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Decisions about more children.....

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#1 MummyHayles

Posted 13 January 2013 - 11:23 PM

Hi everyone,

Sorry if this feels like a repeat (I just saw beck22's post) though our situation is slightly different so wanted any advice.

We have 2 DD's, one almost 6 and the other almost 2 and we had always spoken about having 3 children. I feel like I've been through a lot of drama with pregnancies, miscarriage and births - long stories though so I won't do into detail and adding onto that our youngest is just a little wild child and completely different from DD1, I think I'm still in shock.

I feel done.
DH said he will be disappointed if we don't try for a third, its not a "wanting a boy" thing he is happy either way he just thinks it will feel complete with another child and as he keeps telling me we always discussed 3 so that's what he thought would happen. I feel like I'm being unfair not wanting to have another baby. I thought maybe I would change my mind a year ago but it hasn't happened yet! rolleyes.gif IF there was another child, I don't want a big gap between like we have with the girls now, I miscarried in between them and it took me a long time to want to try again.

Have any of you been in my situation with your DH set on more children and you just not, and what did you end up doing?

#2 IShallWearMidnight

Posted 14 January 2013 - 01:25 AM

in our family I have final say, as Im the one that gestates and then boobs them for a few years.
I want more kids, DH is open to one more and thats it.
But we figure that if we try and it doesnt happen, then it wasnt meant to be

#3 Natttmumm

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:41 AM

I have a 5 yr old, a 3 year old and due with number 3 in a month. My kids are great but have been a handful in different ways over the years.bit hasn't been an easy ride.
I was just thinking that if both of you are not up for it then I wouldn't have a third. As I posted in the other post I have found the pregnancy hard with 2 kids to look after. I'm exhausted!! I think if one of us didn't really want Another it would be hard not to. Blame the other. DH originally left the decision to me although I could see he was happy with2. Eventually I made him decide as I didn't want him resenting me when the baby is hard work.
As you know babies and kids etc are a huge job - especially going back once your sort of out of that stage. If your hearts not in it the I would wait and see how you feel in another year.
If its like in my house where the baby stuff falls on me then I wouldn't go through it unless I wanted to

#4 axiomae

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:46 AM

Im not in your situation at all, but I would imagine the baby would want to be wanted. It would be hard going from 2 - 3, and if your heart is not in it I think that could lead to a whole number of problems.

#5 lozoodle

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:52 AM

DP really wanted to go for a third, I felt fairly done (though DD2 was only a baby at this point in time) but I was still sort of open to it.

We originally agreed that we'd try again when she was 4. But after a few months I decided that no way, if she got to 4 years old, I would be well and truly done and not wanting to go back for more. I felt like I wanted another, but if we did we were going to start trying NOW, because I didn't want to be totally past the baby stage and go back again. So that's what happened and I'm really happy that we went down that road. We both feel done now even before our baby is born so this is most definitely our last.

If you definitely feel like you want no more, you need to listen to that. I don't think anybody should be having another child just because their partner wants one. You need to really want it to, otherwise it will end up causing resentment. If you decide its really not what you want, your partner is just going to have to accept that, and understand that you need to be true to yourself.

Good luck in your decision.

#6 Freddie'sMum

Posted 15 January 2013 - 07:59 AM


This is definitely a tricky question.

In our house - DH was adamant that we should stop at 2 children - we had discussed having a 2nd baby and he was "yes, let's do that" - but as soon as DD#2 arrived (and she was a completely different kettle of fish to her sister - lots of hard work). He went and got a vasectomy after the birth of DD#2.  He was right.

In a perfect world - I would have loved to have had that 3rd baby - but we are only just hanging onto our sanity as it is.  

There is something else to consider as well - and it's taken me this long to figure it out (our girls are now Miss-7-and-a-half and Miss-5).  Even though DH is the most hands on Dad ever - I am not just saying that - he has been in there, boots and all, changing nappies, dealing with screaming babies / toddlers / middle of the night feeds / sickness - the lot ....

Even with him doing all of that - I still seem to do the 'other stuff' - like when I wanted to go back to work after the birth of DD#1 - I was the one that rang up all the daycares / went to the Council to find out about family day care / filled out all the incredibly long forms that daycares all seem to need.

I was the one who door knocked on the daycare doors / went and spoke to the carers / and then when we finally got offered some days - it was up to me to get (as it was then) DD#1 to and from daycare, and me to and from work - when she was sick, the daycare would ring me to go and collect her.

It was only after we had DD#2 - (and I was back at work) that I said to DH that it wasn't fair that I was always taking time off work to look after the kids when they were sick - why couldn't he take time off work ??  It just hadn't occurred to him.

So, now the girls are older - we use before and after school care - plus holiday care.  Again, I am the one that organises all of that.  I seem to be the one who does most of the other stuff too - it's kind of difficult to explain - but with school, they have dress up days and fun food days - there are always notes home, I am forever chasing my tail, and organising / thinking about what is coming up, who has to go where, what are we all doing on day X / day Y / day Z.  

That's what I now find hard - the organising of a home - the constant notes home from school, the bills that need to be paid, the fact that we always run out of food (I am still yet to start that menu plan idea), I still work part time (so have the stress of my own job), just everything really.

Gosh - I have gone off on a tangent haven't I ??  *blush*

Sorry - honestly you and you DH need to sit down and talk about this together - if need be go and see a counsellor and let them help you thru this.  I just don't believe anyone (Mum or Dad) should force the issue of another baby - if the other person in the relationship doesn't want it.

Best wishes.

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