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#1 **Tiger*Feral**

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:03 PM


Edited by Tyrone Finkelmeyer, 26 March 2013 - 08:17 PM.

#2 ~sydblue~

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:08 PM

I wouldn't force her. Not everyone goes to theirs.

What state are you in?
Because all the formals I have ever known or heard of, are held late in the year. Around november early december.

#3 Apageintime

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:08 PM

QUOTE (**Tiger*Filly** @ 13/01/2013, 03:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The Yr 12 formal is in March. DD#1 is adamant she isn't going.
My first instinct is to try and convince her (not 'make' her as I can't make her do anything).
DH says to leave her be and it's up to her.
Why doesn't she want to go? She is a through and through intellectual, nerdy type who has zero interest in socialising, dressing up, dancing etc. She hasn't worn a dress or skirt apart from her school uniform in years. She has four good friends who make up her entire social set at school and has no connection with the rest of her year level.

What would you do?

I'd suss out why she doesn't want to go - if its just wearing a dress, would she wear a nice suit instead? or is it because her other firends aren't going?

I had a friend in highschool who said the same thing, turns out she thought her parents couldn't afford a dress for her.

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to. Would she have her 4 besties around a few weeks later for an activity she does enjoy? (maybe a night in a really nice hotel room for all of them or somethiong?)

#4 hoohoobump

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:09 PM

Leave it up to her. It's not like it's the last day of school and tied up to her graduation.

Give her a date to make her final decision - wouldn't want a change of heart at the 11th hour and have to scramble for dress etc.

#5 Avogadro

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:10 PM

I'd sit down and chat with her about it.  What exactly are her concerns?  It might be that she's worried about asking you to spend $$ on a dress she'll never wear again - in which case you can discuss between you about the money (just an example).

Ask her if her other friends are going.  

But no, I wouldn't try to convince her but just make sure that she's saying "no" for legitimate reasons.

#6 BadCat

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:11 PM

I'd leave her be.

She sounds very much like me.  I went to the formal against my better judgement because my friends wanted to go.  Hell, I even wore a dress.  oomg2.gif

It was rubbish.  I have no fond memories of it at all and wish I had stayed home.

Edited by BadCat, 13 January 2013 - 02:13 PM.

#7 Propaganda

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:11 PM

I wouldn't make her go. If she's going to be bored and uncomfortable surrounded by people she doesn't really know or like, doing something she doesn't really enjoy, wearing clothing she would rather not be wearing, then I can't see that there'd be any benefit whatsoever.

#8 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:11 PM

Why make her go and spend an excruciating evening and a load of cash pretending to be nice to a load of people she possibly doesn't like and in most cases will never have to see again?

#9 Frockme

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:12 PM

Are her friends going? If so I'd encourage her. If not I'd also encourage her and her friends to go. Does she get on with the rest of the year? No issues?

It's not the end of the world not to go but you don't want to regret not going either. If its not her usual thing I'd suggest going even more strongly. I'll go anywhere and do most things that may seem boring or unusual to some or something that tests my comfort zone. because you just never know what you're going to get out of it. More than likely it'll have a positive outcome.  original.gif original.gif  

Hope im making sense.

#10 choccy2

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:15 PM

Do ? I wouldn't do anything.

It's up to her - it's her formal surely she can decide for herself if she wants to go or not?

#11 Wigglemama

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:15 PM

I wouldn't make her or pressure her to go.

She probably feels awkward about the whole thing and feels like going to the formal will make her differences from her class mates even more apparent. Maybe her friends and herself also get a bit of grief for being "nerdy" and she doesn't want to line herself up for a possible night of teasing from the popular, b**chy girls.

She may also change her mind and go, but I would let her make that decision.

#12 Soontobegran

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:16 PM

Are her friends going? If they are then I'd probably try to encourage her to go. I can't help feel that there could be a negative backlash from the rest of the children who could be seeing her as anti social?
If she'd be going without her support group I am not sure I would try and convince her as these formal can be so excrutiatingly awful for children who have not bonded with anyone and March is so early to have been able to do that. It would be even worse for kids who don't actually do the dressing up and make up thing normally.
Our kids' school had a two day early year 12 camp pretty soon after they started to help them all mix and get to know each other and this proved pretty successful for some who were struggling with or simply not wanting to socialise.
Tough one but I understand why she'd hesitate, I guess she is old enough to know what she is comfortable doing but probably too young to understand the positives that could come from going. sad.gif

#13 ImpatientAnna

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:16 PM

I would let her be.

It does not sound as though she is the type to enjoy that sort of thing, and school formats really are overrated.

If she is a bit nerdy, it will probably be excruciating for her.

#14 LynnyP

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:17 PM

I didn't make my son go.  He had (by that stage) no issues with the rest of his year but he really didn't enjoy big parties.  He and his friends had a games night at one of their houses (it might even have been my house!).

From what I have seen of these parties and what I remember from my son's (mine are so long ago to be irrelevant) I wouldn't expect it would be something she would enjoy at all and may even be something she would look back on with uncomfortable memories as yet another example of not fitting the typical successful high school stereotype.

I'd have a good chat to her though, ask her if her friends are going, if she wants to do an alternative, if she wants to go for some of it, if she wants to go to a pre-party only etc.

#15 namie

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:18 PM

Everyone has made great suggestions which I can't add to but...

If you're 100% sure that she doesn't want to go and won't regret it, could she and her 4 good friends do something else together instead? Not the night of, if the others want to go, but could you put the cost of a dress or suit towards a fun night out doing something else? Staying in a hotel or seeing a gold class movie or something else exciting?

#16 **Tiger*Feral**

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:22 PM


Edited by Tyrone Finkelmeyer, 26 March 2013 - 08:17 PM.

#17 Maple Leaf

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:23 PM

Her formal, her choice. If she is forced she will definitely hate it and have zero happy memories of it anyway!

#18 StopTheGoats

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:28 PM

What's your gut feel? Sometimes kids, particularly shy kids, need a bit of a nudge and a bit of reassurance. Even if she sticks with her immediate group it will be a nice evening out with her 4 friends. I wouldn't force the issue but I'd perhaps lubricate things as much as possible so when she finally does make the decision it will be based on her comfort level, not the circumstances.

I was only at my school for the final year so I wasn't popular. My school was huge and had the usual groups. However the formal was a really nice night when the walls between the groups broke down and I remember it fondly as a bit of a rite of passage, despite the fact I don't speak to anyone from that school anymore. This was 14 years ago when school formals were a bit less of a production though.

Edited by JuniorSpies, 13 January 2013 - 02:42 PM.

#19 librablonde

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:33 PM

I didn't go to my Yr 12 formal and didn't really care. Well, actually, I cared for about 5 minutes simply b/c I wanted to see all the shenanigans that went on with everyone else, but otherwise I got through my life quite happily without it.

#20 casime

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

I wasn't going to go to my formal.  Not many close friends in my year level, and no boyfriend to take along.  My mother made me buy a couple of tickets anyway and said I could make up my mind closer to the time.   I only decided the night before when one of the guys from the dance studio offered to go along with me.  A few other girls were taking some of the other guys from the studio as well, so I agreed.  It was kindof fun, mainly because we could all dance so spent the night on the dance floor, but we did all leave as soon as they let us and ended up in a coffee shop in town instead.  It ended up being a fun night, but I don't look back on it as the "greatest night of my young life" or anything like that.  I could live with it if I hadn't gone.

Maybe suggest she buys the tickets (if money isn't a huge deal) and makes up her mind closer to the time.  When every single person in your grade spends the weeks leading up to it talking about nothing but the formal, she might decide that she wants to go, and it would be a shame not to have the tickets.  Does she have a friend that would go along with her that would make it a fun night out?

#21 mumofsky

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:35 PM

it sounds to me like she would feel really uncomfortable, awkward and nervous. for the popular, athletic kids these are a great chance to just dress up and feel confident and have fun. if youre a shy, unpopular kid they can just be an excrutiating experience.

#22 SplashingRainbows

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:36 PM

I did go to mine and most definitely regret it. It was an excruciating evening. Mind you we had all actually finished year 12, and the HSC. I don't think I've seen more than half a dozen of my class mates since. I may have felt differently if there was still a whole year to go.

Edited by brighton14, 23 January 2013 - 07:33 PM.

#23 Holidayromp

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:49 PM

Don't force her.  I never went to mine.  I couldn't imagine spending time at a formal with people I didn't really like anyway and normally never associated with at school.  Few of my friends went.  I didn't see the point of spending all the money to go to something I would not enjoy.

#24 Libster

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:57 PM

No I wouldn't try to convince her to go. My parents tried to guilt me into going to the debutante ball at my school and I just didn't want to go. I don't regret not going at all.

#25 toosenuf

Posted 13 January 2013 - 03:06 PM

No not at all.

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