Jump to content

Parenting differences


  • Please log in to reply
10 replies to this topic

#1 Wacky Wobbler

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:20 AM

DH and I have a 10 wk old boy. We had been trying for five years to have a baby before we had DS. In that time we discussed how we would like to raise any children we have.

We decided we would like to use cloth nappies, like the sound of BLW (although we don't need to worry about that for a while), we don't like the idea of letting DS cry and he wouldn't be christened and so on.

Lately DH has been doing the opposite to what we had discussed/put in place. When I asked him why he told me that he had been discussing things with his Mum who doesn't always agree with what we are doing.

She thinks I'm a bit of a new age hippy and. Calls me starlight sun bright  rolleyes.gif

I don't mind if DH has a different way of doing things but am a bit annoyed his Mum is putting her two cents in.

How do I go about bringing this up with him.

We needed to use a donor to have DS and I want DH to have an equal say in how we raise DS but I want it o be his own ideas, not someone elses. MIL has made it very clear she thinks it is weird some of the things we are doing, which she has every right to think. Nothing we are doing is causing DS harm so I can't see a problem with it.

Also both DH and I decided from day one that we would tell DS we needed to use a donor, both sets of parents know this is our plan. MIl has told us that she doesn't think it is a good idea. She also told DH that we need to stop telling people we had to do IVF (not sure why as neither DH or myself are embarrassed by this). Both my parents and sister know we used a donor and DH had planned to tell his siblings the same until MIL told him not to.

It is starting to cause some problems between us all.

WWYD in this situation?

#2 melaine

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:31 AM

I think you need to focus on the bigger issue which to me is your MILs opinions on IVF/using a donor.

She is out of line disagreeing with your choices about other stuff, agreed, but I'd let him figure that out himself.

However, he needs to stand up to her about the IVF/donor issue. That is a big decision that you as a couple have discussed and decided on and she doesn't get a say in it.

I think if you mix that issue in with discussions about baby led weaning and controlled crying then you are downplaying the importance of the issue.

I'd pick a time when you were both relaxed and able to concentrate on a discussion about it and ask him what he thinks about his mum's opinions on telling your son and other people. Good luck.

#3 Feral_Pooks

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:05 AM

Being a new parent is a huge adjustment and it's normal to look to our own parents for advice and support in that time. Your DH may be lacking the critical eye to her advice at this time because of emotional reasons. Perhaps it's a good idea to go out for lunch or a coffee or something, and talk about the ways in which you are both noticing the impact of your own childhoods, and opinions of your families now, influencing your parenting. I think gently leading him to reflect on this, himself, is a good start.

I would gently say how you had noticed he had been responding really strongly to influences from his family, which is perfectly normal and understandable, but that you feel you both need to discuss and agree to changes from your initial decisions before making a change, whereever the idea for the change has come from.

Personally, I wouldn't be freaking about the IVF stuff just yet, as there is so much time for this to change back. I think getting some confidence around parenting needs to come first, your DH needs time to bond and adjust to parenthood. I feel that if he feels torn between what you want, and what his mum wants, he might not feel confident in developing his own approach.

Is there an "exception"- something he does really well, that isn't in keeping with his mother's opinions (even better if it is something you haven't really pushed him to do, either)? Maybe use this as a starting point, really heap praise on him for it and explain how it makes you and but feel so safe, secure, happy, etc.

#4 Holidayromp

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:56 AM

QUOTE (Sassy Girl @ 13/01/2013, 10:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell him to tell her that she had a chance to raise her family now it's your turn to do it how you want to. In other words tell him to tell her to butt out and that he has to support your decisions not hers.


This.  MIL is out of line.  Nip in the bud before it becomes a huge problem.  MIL are a pain in the a*se at the best of times and this one sounds like a real beaut in the making if you don't do something about it.

#5 Tesseract

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:17 AM

The crying, BLW stuff is pretty normal new parent adjustment. My MIL and mum thought we were mad for not letting baby cry and not feeding purées, and DH did find it hard to stand by our decisions in the face of new parent sleep deprivation. You guys can figure that stuff out, all new parents do, as long as your DH and you can communicate reasonably enough and your MIL isn't too crazy lol.

The donor/IVF stuff is a completely different kettle of fish. You and your DH need to be completely on the same page and present a united front. If you guys feel that your DH needs to tell his siblings then he should tell them, I can only imagine that the longer it goes on the more of a shock and a "big secret" it will be. This may be what MIL is wanting because it sounds like she doesn't want people to know DS was donor conceived because deep down she worries that this makes her not his "real" grandma. Her feelings need to be acknowledged and dealt with, but they must not be the deciding factor in how you two proceed. The idea of telling your siblings but not his is farcical, it will come out eventually and it is better it comes from you. His siblings will be devastated if they were kept in the dark about something your siblings knew, and the whole thing adds to this atmosphere of shame that is completely inappropriate and not what you guys want for your family.

#6 password123

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:30 AM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 13/01/2013, 10:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That must be incredibly hard for your partner.  His mother telling him to hide how your child was conceived implies there's something to be ashamed about.  I would say that has really knocked his confidence.  Did you guys have some counselling when you used ivf/donor?  Perhaps get in touch with your counsellor if you did.


I agree with this.
There is nothing to be ashamed of and she needs to get that. DH and I are proud about ivf. It would be no different if we needed a donor. Science is a marvellous thing!


#7 password123

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:31 AM

QUOTE (Sassy Girl @ 13/01/2013, 10:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell him to tell her that she had a chance to raise her family now it's your turn to do it how you want to. In other words tell him to tell her to butt out and that he has to support your decisions not hers.

This too.

#8 Domestic Goddess

Posted 13 January 2013 - 12:45 PM

Counseling was the first thing that popped up in my mind. Not for your DH though. More for your MIL.

I dunno, I am just spit balling here. But about the cloth nappies, ask her what she used when your DH was little? Ask her what they did with introducing solids 200 years ago?
Im no "hippy", but I do care about the environment AND saving money and therefore I started using MCN's.
She should but out. Like a PP said, she has had her chance to raise kids, now she should leave it upto you and your DH.

Have you tried to talk to your DH and/or MIL about this? Told him that she had her chance with him and that its nice to give advice, but it does not always have to be taken?

#9 strawberrycakes

Posted 13 January 2013 - 01:30 PM

QUOTE
She also told DH that we need to stop telling people we had to do IVF (not sure why as neither DH or myself are embarrassed by this).
  DH & I conceived our DD via IVF/ICSI, DH, myself & my family have no issues with making it publicly known however my MIL is the opposite & thinks we shouldn't tell people because in her words "it's just too personal".

When MIL has been asked when DH & I will give her another grandchild she just tells them she doesn't know or we have chosen not to have more children rather rhan just saying that although we'd like more kids we unfortuantley are unable to conceive natually.  DH & I then get questions & 'helpful' advice from her friends when we see them about how much better it is for children to grow up with siblings. we have no issue telling the truth & then everything justs gets awkward & MIL has even upped DH for embarrassing her by telling people that DD is from IVF.

I find it so offensive that she has such an issue with it, especially since she & FIL tried 8 years for children before being told that adoption was their only option. They adopted BIL then very fortunatley went on to have 3 children naturally.

OP I think you need to talk to your DH & tell him that he needs to tell his Mum to back off.  I know it's hard but just ignore her advise.

#10 Romeo Void

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:09 PM

QUOTE (Tesseract @ 13/01/2013, 11:17 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The donor/IVF stuff is a completely different kettle of fish. You and your DH need to be completely on the same page and present a united front. If you guys feel that your DH needs to tell his siblings then he should tell them, I can only imagine that the longer it goes on the more of a shock and a "big secret" it will be. This may be what MIL is wanting because it sounds like she doesn't want people to know DS was donor conceived because deep down she worries that this makes her not his "real" grandma. Her feelings need to be acknowledged and dealt with, but they must not be the deciding factor in how you two proceed. The idea of telling your siblings but not his is farcical, it will come out eventually and it is better it comes from you. His siblings will be devastated if they were kept in the dark about something your siblings knew, and the whole thing adds to this atmosphere of shame that is completely inappropriate and not what you guys want for your family.


I agree with this.  I think your MIL is not really thinking of the impact of the 'secret' stuff on your child, she's thinking of herself.  My DD is donor/donor conceived and I understand the desire to keep it quiet...but over riding that is the strong feeling having everything out in the open and how much easier it will be for her to live with it knowing it's just part of our shared family story.  I also agree with whoever suggested maybe MIL could benefit from some counseling.  Most clinics have counselors who are very well versed in donor issues, bet they could help.

#11 kidwrangler

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:38 PM

It's strange how grandchildren arriving can really create strain with PILs, but the fact that your MIL already disrespects you to your DH with your 'nickname' shows that the problem might go a little deeper still.

Unfortunately, this can really come between your relationship if you are not careful. Your DH needs to realise that it is time to move on from being a little boy in his family, and become a father for his new family unit. His Mum is now extended family, and his priority needs to shift to you and bub.

He needs to demand respect for you, for both of your beliefs and find a way to continue to get along with his Mum. I know it might be hard, but he needs to have a long hard think about how to go about it and work on changing the way things are currently.

I understand MCNs, BLW, attachment parenting etc might seem 'hippy' to some older generations (not all fortunately), but it is pretty much mainstream these days. Times have changed and so have belief systems with that.

Perhaps, you just need to stop allowing her to have an opinion for the time being, by not getting into conversations about how your child is going to be raised. No chat, just if she needs to know (because she's offered to change a nappy etc) then tell her how it is done, not this is the option you have chosen IYKWIM? On the other hand, be open to accept her pov, as some people see change as being a criticism on the way they parented so they get a bit defensive about how they think it should be.

I am sorry your MIL is trying to attach secrecy and shame to your baby already in terms of the IVF and donor. If your DH is happy to share the info, then he needs to man up and do it. Secrets wreck and hurt families. All for the sake of one quick honest conversation. Again, it doesn't have to be a big drama. Just like your parenting choices, it is just the way it is.

Hug your bub, hug your DH, enjoy your hard fought for new family and hopefully find the way to gently let him see that he has a new role in life as your family's champion original.gif




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Teaching our son to say no to violence against women

Today, on White Ribbon Day - and every other day - we're teaching our son to say no to violence against women.

Mothers told to breastfeed in 'spacious' toilet

If there is one thing the owners of Tillings Cafe can be certain of, it is that the eatery won't win the award for Britain's best baby-friendly coffee shop any time soon.

Mother gives name to son dumped down drain

A woman who admitted to dumping her newborn baby down a Sydney drain has reportedly been allowed to give him a name.

Taking small steps to reduce stress

Are you feeling used up by life's stress, family problems and a demanding job you can't turn off? Many people are way beyond work-life exhaustion. They are functioning as robots.

Bad news: we're running out of chocolate

The world's biggest chocolate-maker says we're running out of chocolate.

Born at 23 weeks, 'Chopstick Baby' survives first week

A baby who was born at 23 weeks has survived her first week of life outside the womb.

Manic stations: the nesting instinct in pregnancy

It might sound like temporary insanity, but almost obsessive nesting as you near your due date isn’t uncommon – even if you’re not usually a particularly clean person.

How a baby can survive alone for days on end

The baby found abandoned in a Sydney drain may have been alone for up to six days without being fed, leaving many asking how he could have survived.

When it begins to look a lot like Christmas

A child's excitement at Christmas time is a beautiful thing, but one dad ponders whether his toddler daughter is getting into the festive mood a bit too soon.

Hospital lets dads the experience some of the pain of childbirth

A new experience is radically altering men's views of childbirth.

Italian doctors questioned over formula bribes

Italian police have placed 12 doctors under house arrest on suspicion of promoting baby milk formula over breastfeeding.

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Those special moments of sibling bonding

Every now and then your child does or says something that is truly memorable.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Baby monitor footage posted online

Footage of Australian babies and children sleeping in their bedrooms are among the images on a Russian site showing live feeds from thousands of homes and businesses around the world.

Did this new dad really hit on his wife's midwife?

Was there really a man who was actually there by his wife’s side as she laboured and gave birth to his child, all while he was making what he perceived to be meaningful eye contact with a midwife?

Keep calm and ignore the Tantrum Trolls

Tantrum Trolls are a small but growing species of predatory bottom-feeders who delight in picking on parents at their most vulnerable.

It's okay to never 'get over' the death of a loved one

The death of children, siblings, and parents has long term impacts on the rest of our lives.

What Mark Latham needs to know about depression and motherhood

Love has nothing to do with mental illness. But love may drive a mother to do something about it.

'We're just trying to keep our child alive': life with FPIES

We have a beautiful seven-month-old son, and his allergy rules our life.

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong'

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reactions to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Carers admit to force-feeding children

Twin brothers have become dads on the same day ? with their partners giving birth in the same hospital, and even the same birthing pool.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.