Jump to content

Parenting differences


  • Please log in to reply
10 replies to this topic

#1 Wacky Wobbler

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:20 AM

DH and I have a 10 wk old boy. We had been trying for five years to have a baby before we had DS. In that time we discussed how we would like to raise any children we have.

We decided we would like to use cloth nappies, like the sound of BLW (although we don't need to worry about that for a while), we don't like the idea of letting DS cry and he wouldn't be christened and so on.

Lately DH has been doing the opposite to what we had discussed/put in place. When I asked him why he told me that he had been discussing things with his Mum who doesn't always agree with what we are doing.

She thinks I'm a bit of a new age hippy and. Calls me starlight sun bright  rolleyes.gif

I don't mind if DH has a different way of doing things but am a bit annoyed his Mum is putting her two cents in.

How do I go about bringing this up with him.

We needed to use a donor to have DS and I want DH to have an equal say in how we raise DS but I want it o be his own ideas, not someone elses. MIL has made it very clear she thinks it is weird some of the things we are doing, which she has every right to think. Nothing we are doing is causing DS harm so I can't see a problem with it.

Also both DH and I decided from day one that we would tell DS we needed to use a donor, both sets of parents know this is our plan. MIl has told us that she doesn't think it is a good idea. She also told DH that we need to stop telling people we had to do IVF (not sure why as neither DH or myself are embarrassed by this). Both my parents and sister know we used a donor and DH had planned to tell his siblings the same until MIL told him not to.

It is starting to cause some problems between us all.

WWYD in this situation?

#2 melaine

Posted 13 January 2013 - 08:31 AM

I think you need to focus on the bigger issue which to me is your MILs opinions on IVF/using a donor.

She is out of line disagreeing with your choices about other stuff, agreed, but I'd let him figure that out himself.

However, he needs to stand up to her about the IVF/donor issue. That is a big decision that you as a couple have discussed and decided on and she doesn't get a say in it.

I think if you mix that issue in with discussions about baby led weaning and controlled crying then you are downplaying the importance of the issue.

I'd pick a time when you were both relaxed and able to concentrate on a discussion about it and ask him what he thinks about his mum's opinions on telling your son and other people. Good luck.

#3 Feral_Pooks

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:05 AM

Being a new parent is a huge adjustment and it's normal to look to our own parents for advice and support in that time. Your DH may be lacking the critical eye to her advice at this time because of emotional reasons. Perhaps it's a good idea to go out for lunch or a coffee or something, and talk about the ways in which you are both noticing the impact of your own childhoods, and opinions of your families now, influencing your parenting. I think gently leading him to reflect on this, himself, is a good start.

I would gently say how you had noticed he had been responding really strongly to influences from his family, which is perfectly normal and understandable, but that you feel you both need to discuss and agree to changes from your initial decisions before making a change, whereever the idea for the change has come from.

Personally, I wouldn't be freaking about the IVF stuff just yet, as there is so much time for this to change back. I think getting some confidence around parenting needs to come first, your DH needs time to bond and adjust to parenthood. I feel that if he feels torn between what you want, and what his mum wants, he might not feel confident in developing his own approach.

Is there an "exception"- something he does really well, that isn't in keeping with his mother's opinions (even better if it is something you haven't really pushed him to do, either)? Maybe use this as a starting point, really heap praise on him for it and explain how it makes you and but feel so safe, secure, happy, etc.

#4 Holidayromp

Posted 13 January 2013 - 09:56 AM

QUOTE (Sassy Girl @ 13/01/2013, 10:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell him to tell her that she had a chance to raise her family now it's your turn to do it how you want to. In other words tell him to tell her to butt out and that he has to support your decisions not hers.


This.  MIL is out of line.  Nip in the bud before it becomes a huge problem.  MIL are a pain in the a*se at the best of times and this one sounds like a real beaut in the making if you don't do something about it.

#5 Tesseract

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:17 AM

The crying, BLW stuff is pretty normal new parent adjustment. My MIL and mum thought we were mad for not letting baby cry and not feeding purées, and DH did find it hard to stand by our decisions in the face of new parent sleep deprivation. You guys can figure that stuff out, all new parents do, as long as your DH and you can communicate reasonably enough and your MIL isn't too crazy lol.

The donor/IVF stuff is a completely different kettle of fish. You and your DH need to be completely on the same page and present a united front. If you guys feel that your DH needs to tell his siblings then he should tell them, I can only imagine that the longer it goes on the more of a shock and a "big secret" it will be. This may be what MIL is wanting because it sounds like she doesn't want people to know DS was donor conceived because deep down she worries that this makes her not his "real" grandma. Her feelings need to be acknowledged and dealt with, but they must not be the deciding factor in how you two proceed. The idea of telling your siblings but not his is farcical, it will come out eventually and it is better it comes from you. His siblings will be devastated if they were kept in the dark about something your siblings knew, and the whole thing adds to this atmosphere of shame that is completely inappropriate and not what you guys want for your family.

#6 password123

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:30 AM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 13/01/2013, 10:11 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That must be incredibly hard for your partner.  His mother telling him to hide how your child was conceived implies there's something to be ashamed about.  I would say that has really knocked his confidence.  Did you guys have some counselling when you used ivf/donor?  Perhaps get in touch with your counsellor if you did.


I agree with this.
There is nothing to be ashamed of and she needs to get that. DH and I are proud about ivf. It would be no different if we needed a donor. Science is a marvellous thing!


#7 password123

Posted 13 January 2013 - 10:31 AM

QUOTE (Sassy Girl @ 13/01/2013, 10:22 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell him to tell her that she had a chance to raise her family now it's your turn to do it how you want to. In other words tell him to tell her to butt out and that he has to support your decisions not hers.

This too.

#8 Domestic Goddess

Posted 13 January 2013 - 12:45 PM

Counseling was the first thing that popped up in my mind. Not for your DH though. More for your MIL.

I dunno, I am just spit balling here. But about the cloth nappies, ask her what she used when your DH was little? Ask her what they did with introducing solids 200 years ago?
Im no "hippy", but I do care about the environment AND saving money and therefore I started using MCN's.
She should but out. Like a PP said, she has had her chance to raise kids, now she should leave it upto you and your DH.

Have you tried to talk to your DH and/or MIL about this? Told him that she had her chance with him and that its nice to give advice, but it does not always have to be taken?

#9 strawberrycakes

Posted 13 January 2013 - 01:30 PM

QUOTE
She also told DH that we need to stop telling people we had to do IVF (not sure why as neither DH or myself are embarrassed by this).
  DH & I conceived our DD via IVF/ICSI, DH, myself & my family have no issues with making it publicly known however my MIL is the opposite & thinks we shouldn't tell people because in her words "it's just too personal".

When MIL has been asked when DH & I will give her another grandchild she just tells them she doesn't know or we have chosen not to have more children rather rhan just saying that although we'd like more kids we unfortuantley are unable to conceive natually.  DH & I then get questions & 'helpful' advice from her friends when we see them about how much better it is for children to grow up with siblings. we have no issue telling the truth & then everything justs gets awkward & MIL has even upped DH for embarrassing her by telling people that DD is from IVF.

I find it so offensive that she has such an issue with it, especially since she & FIL tried 8 years for children before being told that adoption was their only option. They adopted BIL then very fortunatley went on to have 3 children naturally.

OP I think you need to talk to your DH & tell him that he needs to tell his Mum to back off.  I know it's hard but just ignore her advise.

#10 Romeo Void

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:09 PM

QUOTE (Tesseract @ 13/01/2013, 11:17 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The donor/IVF stuff is a completely different kettle of fish. You and your DH need to be completely on the same page and present a united front. If you guys feel that your DH needs to tell his siblings then he should tell them, I can only imagine that the longer it goes on the more of a shock and a "big secret" it will be. This may be what MIL is wanting because it sounds like she doesn't want people to know DS was donor conceived because deep down she worries that this makes her not his "real" grandma. Her feelings need to be acknowledged and dealt with, but they must not be the deciding factor in how you two proceed. The idea of telling your siblings but not his is farcical, it will come out eventually and it is better it comes from you. His siblings will be devastated if they were kept in the dark about something your siblings knew, and the whole thing adds to this atmosphere of shame that is completely inappropriate and not what you guys want for your family.


I agree with this.  I think your MIL is not really thinking of the impact of the 'secret' stuff on your child, she's thinking of herself.  My DD is donor/donor conceived and I understand the desire to keep it quiet...but over riding that is the strong feeling having everything out in the open and how much easier it will be for her to live with it knowing it's just part of our shared family story.  I also agree with whoever suggested maybe MIL could benefit from some counseling.  Most clinics have counselors who are very well versed in donor issues, bet they could help.

#11 kidwrangler

Posted 13 January 2013 - 02:38 PM

It's strange how grandchildren arriving can really create strain with PILs, but the fact that your MIL already disrespects you to your DH with your 'nickname' shows that the problem might go a little deeper still.

Unfortunately, this can really come between your relationship if you are not careful. Your DH needs to realise that it is time to move on from being a little boy in his family, and become a father for his new family unit. His Mum is now extended family, and his priority needs to shift to you and bub.

He needs to demand respect for you, for both of your beliefs and find a way to continue to get along with his Mum. I know it might be hard, but he needs to have a long hard think about how to go about it and work on changing the way things are currently.

I understand MCNs, BLW, attachment parenting etc might seem 'hippy' to some older generations (not all fortunately), but it is pretty much mainstream these days. Times have changed and so have belief systems with that.

Perhaps, you just need to stop allowing her to have an opinion for the time being, by not getting into conversations about how your child is going to be raised. No chat, just if she needs to know (because she's offered to change a nappy etc) then tell her how it is done, not this is the option you have chosen IYKWIM? On the other hand, be open to accept her pov, as some people see change as being a criticism on the way they parented so they get a bit defensive about how they think it should be.

I am sorry your MIL is trying to attach secrecy and shame to your baby already in terms of the IVF and donor. If your DH is happy to share the info, then he needs to man up and do it. Secrets wreck and hurt families. All for the sake of one quick honest conversation. Again, it doesn't have to be a big drama. Just like your parenting choices, it is just the way it is.

Hug your bub, hug your DH, enjoy your hard fought for new family and hopefully find the way to gently let him see that he has a new role in life as your family's champion original.gif




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Why I breastfed my son until he was three

The fact that I not only breastfed my son, but breastfed him for three and a half years, seems pretty incredible in retrospect.

Do babies and young children see ghosts?

Do babies and young children see ghosts? If you’ve pondered the question, you’re not alone.

15 years with Essential Baby: meet Therese

"Life has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it the most."

Mum causes a stir by taking a stand against leggings

A mum has found herself the subject of debate after claiming tight bottoms cause lustful thoughts in men.

Don't set a parenting goal for 2015 - do this instead

The problem with goal setting as a parent is the measure. How do we really know if we’re succeeding?

5 pregnancy myths that just won't go away

When you're expecting, it often seems like everyone is keen to offer advice about what you should and shouldn't do in the interests of your health and wellbeing.

RPA hospital contacting mums after discovering vaccine storage fault

Sydney's Royal Prince Alfred Hospital (RPA) is trying to contact women who had babies at the facility after discovering a fault in a refrigerator containing vaccines.

'Nutella' not a baby name, French court says

A French court has blocked parents from naming their baby girl after the hazelnut spread Nutella, arguing it would make her the target of mockery.

Why I'm never calling myself 'just a mum' again

I’ve grown three human beings. I feed them, dress them, teach them, care for them and love them 24 hours a day. Yet for eight years, when I meet new people and they’ve asked me what I do, I tell them: “I’m just a mum”.

Rosie Batty named 2015 Australian of the Year

One year ago, Rosie Batty could not have imagined she'd be where she is. Tonight the grieving mum who put domestic violence on the national agenda was named Australian of the Year.

Five reasons to hug more

Hugging – some of us thrive on it, even depend on it – and then there are those who don't care for it really. So, are they missing out?

Help - my three-year-old has started throwing tantrums

My daughter never went through the "terrible twos" but began throwing wild tantrums shortly after her third birthday.

That's commitment

First peek at Sonia Kruger's daughter Maggie

"She smells so good, I could eat her," Kruger tells co-host David Campbell.

Mum assists in own caesarean surgery

A mum who partly delivered her own twins during a caesarean has encouraged other women to take control of their birthing experience.

How to handle common childhood regressions

Regression can be a natural and common part of development prompted by a variety of factors, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

Disgruntled dad's pram ad goes viral

When buying a second hand pram, there are lots of things to take into consideration. 

Man discovers he's a dad after finding 55-year-old letter

Discovering you are about to father a baby is startling enough - never mind finding out you have a 61-year-old son.

15 thoughts mums have during a tantrum

Ranging from mild to feral and triggered by events both minor and major, tantrums certainly keep life interesting.

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Forgotten Baby Syndrome claims the life of toddler

One baby dies every eight days in the back of a car in the US, victims of 'forgotten baby syndrome'.

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel. You stole my heart, and changed me into the women I am today.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Chrissie Swan has reached her "sex quota"

Chrissie Swan says she and her partner have sex once a year due to her fear of falling pregnant.

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.