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did anyone think they would be better at this?
being a parent.

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#1 José

Posted 12 January 2013 - 02:32 AM

People say the newborn stage is supposed to be the easiest time. Before I had DS I thought I would make a good parent but I don't feel like I'm doing a very goodjob. I can't tell what DS wants solely by his cry. I had a  tough time grtting feeding established in the early days. I'm doing a terrible job of getting hI'm to sleep well  sometimes he screams his little head off and I just don't know what to do to settle him. I'm exhausted and I think DH thinks he's a better parent than I am. I always tell DH what a great job he's doing and how much DS and I appreciate him but he never says anything similar. When I ask him for help he says I'm being negative or that he can't look after both me and DS  DH says he wants me to tell hIm if things are getting too much but with those reactions I don't feel like I can. We have no family nearby.. Sometimes I regret the choice to have a child. I wish DS had a better mum. He is such a beautiful baby

#2 feral strawberry

Posted 12 January 2013 - 02:57 AM

Having a newborn is such a precious time but you couldn't pay me to go back there. I am enjoying being a parent so much more now my boys are older and 2 are at school. I wasn't a huge fan of the toddler stage either.

Yes newborns are easier is some ways but much more difficult in others. I love that my kids can tell me what is wrong and I can have. Conversation with them. I love thatbit is so much easier to go out these days. I still love looking at old photos and remembering life being simpler in some ways when my kids were little but I am happy I am past that stage.

I bet you are a great Mum. For me I had no idea what different cries meant, fed my kids to sleep for a long time abd they were all bad sleepers til 3....but webgot through it and my kids werent damaged in any way (I hope).

I had no family near by so I had to create a support network by getting out to playgroups etc and meeting people plus it helped my sanity just getting out.

I am sure you DS knows he is loved and remember there is SO much more to parenting than just the newborn stage original.gif Try to enjoy it while you are there original.gif

Sorry for the long reply but I remember feeling the same when DS1 was brand new original.gif

#3 Pssst...

Posted 12 January 2013 - 02:58 AM

First of all, big hugs to you!

Second of all, you're doing a great job!

I, too, had heard how hard the newborn stage was. But I basically just stuck my boob in DD's mouth any time she cried. And if that didn't work then I never knew what else to do. Between 3and 6 months was actually the worst for me - there were lots and lots of tears and lots of self doubt.

I think it's easy for our DH's to feel like they do a great job. Somehow my DH can stay super calm even through the worst of any unsettled period. Maybe it's a hormonal thing and as mothers we're just wired to 'suffer' (for want if a better word) more when our babies are upset?

One thing that really helped me was a book called The Dream Baby Guide. And of course stalking/posting on here.

Sorry for my rambling, am up feeding DD2. Please go a bit easier on yourself. And if you get a quiet, calm moment with your DH, perhaps gently remind him that you need his thanks and appreciation once in a while too.

#4 *lightning

Posted 12 January 2013 - 04:27 AM

Every baby is different, some will cry or scream, some will have difficulty feeding, some will sleep through the night, some will hardly ever cry. You never know what your child will be like until they are born and you can try and help your baby with wind pain, reflux, hunger etc. but you can't fix everything and this doesn't make you a bad parent! Some newborns can be very unsettled and it might improve as your baby gets older.

Speak with your MCHN because they will be able to help you with your baby. Don't be afraid to ask for help, I would have had a difficult time with my newborns if I didn't have my DH who is very good with newborns.

#5 nicknick

Posted 12 January 2013 - 04:51 AM

With my 1st I felt like that, really didn't feel I knew what I was doing - but I can tell you my DS never knew I had my training wheels on and is now at 3 the most beautiful little boy. Talking to others even if it's on EB is the best thing you can do, don't bottle things up. Also do you have any clinics/mothers groups around - if you can get some help that way instead of family?

I am with the PP, I really struggle with the newborn stage to - I find for the 1st 6 months they are exhausting and hard work but then you turn a corner and they start to do a little more each day and I find it gets better.

#6 lucy-lu

Posted 12 January 2013 - 05:37 AM

Hi, I actually think the new born stage was the hardest for me, I now have ds3.5 and dd2.
Ds was a major challenge for me, sleeping mostly, and when you also tired even the smallest job is a struggle.
Dd was that little bit easier, still had dbut only because it wasn't all new to me.

Tell your partner what  are feeling, parenting is so much easier when you don't only a few hrs a dar after work rather than 24/7.

And remember it does get easier!

Edited by lucy-lu, 12 January 2013 - 05:38 AM.

#7 Nobody Cool

Posted 12 January 2013 - 05:42 AM

People can say that the newborn stage is the easiest and it may have been for them but it is highly dependent on each person's baby, personal situation and levels of support.

Personally I found it very difficult with both my boys and my second son was way harder than my first. The second is meant to be easier, right? I was also lucky enough to have my parents stay with me for weeks. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Short version is that DS2 was a high needs baby who hated everything and cried all the time. DS1 wasn't exactly easy either but DS2 made him look like a trip to Disneyland.

I didn't really think I would be better at it but nothing prepared me for how difficult it was going to be. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Those first 12 months are tough.

#8 MummaBirdy

Posted 12 January 2013 - 05:44 AM

My choice would be to give birth to a one year old!
The newborn stage is hard! Especially when you don't have a lot of support. We were overseas with no family backup and I was just exhausted and therefore my emotions were raw and it was difficult to rationally process things!
One important thing to note, not all babies are the same! Some arrive placid and sleep all the time and barely cry, and so their mums seem amazing, and others are very difficult to settle, cry a lot and never sleep. My DD was like that so I felt like a huge failure.
Use your MHN and know that there are places like sleep school for later if things get tough.
You are doing an amazing job, your baby is very lucky to have you. Be kind to yourself and know that many of us felt the same way!

#9 ~Supernova~

Posted 12 January 2013 - 05:54 AM

QUOTE (MummaBirdy @ 12/01/2013, 06:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My choice would be to give birth to a one year old!
The newborn stage is hard!


It is only now, at 10mths, that I am FINALLY seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and starting to really enjoy DS. He is a very difficult baby (and I thought DD was bad, she had nothing on him!). His sleep is still shocking, but he is getting so much easier. I have often thought "omg WHY did I have another baby?!?!".

Give yourself a break, some babies are damn hard work.

#10 MooGuru

Posted 12 January 2013 - 06:04 AM

I haven't had a newborn but I reckon I'll feel similarly if I ever do"it doesn't look that hard on the nappy ads right, how hard can it possibly be?!" (An example from a very stressed friend who had never seen let alone changed a nappy before she gave birth smile1.gif)

Depending on where you are there are parenting centres around where you stay for a few days that give advice etc if things don't improve for you and DS, especially re sleep.

Also there's been research done that shows that if we were say patting a baby on the back whilst carrying it we unconsciously tap at our heartrate, so if we're stressed, heartrates up, patting faster, then babys heartrate increases which escalates them physically when you are trying to emotionally calm them.
I haven't met anyone except professionally who knows this and so many people seem to have a moment of "i do that! That makes sense" and have found even if bub whoever doesn't calm down, they do because they are pretending to be calm with slow patting

#11 Madnesscraves

Posted 12 January 2013 - 06:22 AM

Hi OP.

it's impossible to tell what a baby wants in newborn stage. I was so worried that I'd have no idea what my baby would want. Especially as I am profoundly deaf. But I ended up establishing a system for crying. (In no order)

- check nappy
- cuddles ( gentle pats on back or bum)
- feed
- different room
- distract with toy
- check for wind (esp not long after a feed)
- chat to child (even if its reading paper or book you're reading)

Often one of these things would stop the crying. original.gif
I tried not to stress why she was crying. She could just have been overwhelmed with having visitors through or heard a new sound that seemed weird. Having to rely on watching body language was really hard. I couldn't differentiate between cries with my cochlear implant.

When things got hard, I'd let DH take over (he's not deaf), take 5 get a drink etc and come back. If your DH is offering support take it with both hands and use it! It's hard to accept at first, but remember, in no way is this you failing at all. This is you being a better mum giving yourself 5 minutes to regain composure and destress.

DD is 13 months now and I am only just getting to understand her now! Finally when I ask a questing she says 'yes!' And makes facial gestures to what she wants.

#12 MrsWidget

Posted 12 January 2013 - 06:31 AM

You sound like you're having a really rough time without a lot, if any, support. Do you have a GP or anyone you could talk to?

Also I know this gets bandied around a lot but it might be worth checking to see if you have post natal depression.

Big hugs, you are doing an amazing job. Being a mum is the hardest job in the world.

#13 livvie7586

Posted 12 January 2013 - 06:38 AM

QUOTE (MummaBirdy @ 12/01/2013, 06:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My choice would be to give birth to a one year old!

mine would have to be 2-3 years old, i'm not really a fan of the under 2, even taking tantrums into consideration.

OP, newborns are hard.  yes all ages/stages are hard, but give me an older child any day.  all you can do is check to make sure that everything has been checked (a pp had a good checklist), and also be aware that there are some times when a baby will cry for no apparent reason, and all you can do is hold them as they do so.  ask for help if you need it, and if it gets to much put bub where they can't hurt themselves and walk away for a while.

DH and i just keep reminding ourselves that we're not doing this for the baby, we doing this to bring another person into our family, and that the little baby soon grows up.

#14 TopsyTurvy

Posted 12 January 2013 - 06:41 AM

Oh this was so me.  

I went into motherhood thinking I would be this cross between Mary Poppins and Martha Stewart, that my days would be spent lovingly gazing at my newborn and singing and dancing around with him, that I'd cook gourmet meals every night etc.

Oh boy how wrong was I.

I do second the PP that suggested having a chat to your GP as it sounds like you might have some PND as my thoughts were in a very negative space like yours sound, and it made a big difference to my level of coping once I was established on AD's.

Truthfully I will never choose to have another child, a big part being that I don't think I could cope with the newborn phase again.

However now though, I love about 98% of being mother original.gif
DS is the funniest, loveliest little best friend and we have the life together now that I envisaged.  Just look a lot longer to get there.

Good luck OP original.gif

#15 caitiri

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:17 AM

OP I think alot of people who tell you this stage was the easiest this stage was the hardest are doing it in hindsight, and we tend to forget what it was like in the moment so to speak.  

My oldest is almost 4 and when I look back i think oh god he was easy then, but really when he was little I was completely lost I remember going for a walk with him at about 3 months  (only way he would stop crying) and another mum was talking to me at the traffic lights asking how old and made a comment that she loved the 3 month stage because everything just came together and she knew what to do I was like  ohmy.gif.  Then I walked home DS woke up and started screaming and I just cried.

I m sure that when DS is a teenager I will look back at now and think wow life was simple but currently I am completely overwhelmed dealing with a difficult child.

What stands out in your post is that you really feel unsupported,  you may or may not have PND but whether you do or don't having someone who s there just for you to talk to and to support you (without judgement) is a good idea so its worth talking to your GP .  

Its also definetly worth looking at playgroups or mothers groups

#16 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:27 AM

Yep, this was me too - with both kids.
And all kids will be different for other people.  My daughter would scream her head off, give her to my dad and it was instant silence.  There was nothing I was doing wrong.

Now my kids are older and the penny only just recently dropped to DH that theyARE different for him, so what I deal with is an entirely different set of circumstances to what he deals with.

He is still amazed by this, but he now knows it to be true, he certainly didn't get it when they were younger.  Frankly, I'm amazed we remained married through the newborn stage.  The expectations and feeling of failure were so strong.

I once crossed the road to people I didn't know well and handed them my baby and went home for an hour - they had kids themselves.  It was after his vaccinations and he spent the first period asleep, but once he woke up he screamed for hours and I could not get him to feed.  My boobs were huge and I needed both physical and headspace relief.

It was the right thing to do.

Go to your GP.  Say these words ”I want to find out if I have PND"

#17 Kailing

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:29 AM

Another one who remembers feeling exactly as you do when my eldest was a newborn.

I found breast feeding incredibly hard, my daughter cried all the time and wouldn't sleep during the day ... And of course always settled the second my husband took her.  I was convinced that every other new parent was completely in control with perfect routines and the ability to settle their baby instantly, and that I was failing miserably at the thing I most wanted to get right.

Luckily for me I had an incredibly supportive mothers group from 6 weeks on and they became my lifeline. I realised that most were similar to me, and some were even finding it harder! I have heard f some competitive mothers groups, but we were all happy to share the problems ( and laugh about them!) which made all the difference to me, and some of us are still good friends almost 6 years later.

Are you able to connect with any other new parents in your area? Otherwise talking on forums can help too.

This parenting business is HARD... But it does get a whole lot easier, and a whole lot more fun.   And really, kids are pretty resilient and can cope amazingly well with parents who have no idea what they're doing. ( just as well for 99% of babies)

in the end the thing a baby needs most is parents who adore him / her - so it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job!

#18 Hypnic Jerk

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:31 AM

And I remember being at a park with my newborn and her 18month old brother.  A lady said to me "2years.  Thing will be better in 2 years". I carried those words with me as though they were fact and that helped me to know that some stranger who didn't know me knew what my life was and that it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing I was doing wrong, that all I could do was get through it.

#19 bubbaboo33

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:38 AM

Dont be so hard on yourself. Trust me your baby doesnt want a different Mum. You are still learning about everything and so is he.
I could never understood how people adore the newborn stage, it was so difficult for me. Started to get easier after 1 and now after 2, Im finding it a breeze compared to a newborn.

I used to feel that my DP was doing such a better job. But its so much easier to walk in fresh and take over than it is after 12+ hours of dealing with crying and trying to work out what they want.

#20 Kay1

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:47 AM

Oh honey I felt exactly the same way with my first! The second and third were just as hard too but by then I knew it would pass.

I used to feel that my DP was doing such a better job. But its so much easier to walk in fresh and take over than it is after 12+ hours of dealing with crying and trying to work out what they want.

This exactly! Plus they don't realise how hard we feel it when we are struggling so some times they don't think to be supportive and encouraging. I would encourage you to talk to your partner about how you are feeling.

Hang in there, your baby needs YOU and loves YOU even if it doesn't seem that way right now. This stage will pass, it really does get easier. bbighug.gif

#21 ScarfaceClaw

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:48 AM

I think the problem with the newborn stage is that it's physically demanding, with night waking and baby needing 150% of their needs met and anticipated. I was an emotional wreck the whole time. From 6 months + once I settled into my own skin as a parent, and BF became easier, and I went back to work, I've enjoyed it much more....

I hope that next time round I don't have all the self doubt, that was debilitating at times

#22 winkywonkeydonkey

Posted 12 January 2013 - 07:58 AM

QUOTE (feliz6 @ 12/01/2013, 02:32 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
People say the newborn stage is supposed to be the easiest time. Before I had DS I thought I would make a good parent but I don't feel like I'm doing a very goodjob. I can't tell what DS wants solely by his cry. I had a  tough time grtting feeding established in the early days. I'm doing a terrible job of getting hI'm to sleep well  sometimes he screams his little head off and I just don't know what to do to settle him. I'm exhausted and I think DH thinks he's a better parent than I am. I always tell DH what a great job he's doing and how much DS and I appreciate him but he never says anything similar. When I ask him for help he says I'm being negative or that he can't look after both me and DS  DH says he wants me to tell hIm if things are getting too much but with those reactions I don't feel like I can. We have no family nearby.. Sometimes I regret the choice to have a child. I wish DS had a better mum. He is such a beautiful baby

thats not true (my bold). Its a very hard time! Its a big change, i remember i felt very much the same as you. We also have homones going crazy on us which doesnt help our emotions. I think you need to tell your Dh how overwhelmed you are feeling and also please speak to your GP.

Things will be ok and get better. Your Ds doesnt need a better mum he just needs YOU.
How about some time out for you alone , your dh can take baby out for a drive and you relax.

Your Child health nurse should be able to help you with settling tips and can be a shoulder to cry on .

#23 kpingitquiet

Posted 12 January 2013 - 08:00 AM

Honey, I think you're a normal mother. What your husband is being is unsupportive. Remember, he has none of the hormonal craziness, none of the societal expectations, none of the crap that this is all supposed to be governed by instinct, AND he has a partner telling him how awesome he is.

I can tell ya, I honestly remember next to nothing of kiddo's life until she was 8 or 9 months old. from then until 18 months I remember well and it was amazing...then the tantrums and brattiness kicked in , which I'm hoping I'll block out as well biggrin.gif Really want to enjoy it more the second time around but not getting my hopes up too high!

#24 Dylan's Mummy

Posted 12 January 2013 - 08:03 AM

Little bubs have fussy times each day where they are hard to settle, usually late afternoon and early evening (just when you need to get dinner ready and then want to relax for theday). I remember when mine was about 4 to 8 weeks he has a really fussy stage each night and I couldn't settle him. After that he still had a fussy stage every day, it just wasn't as long. This is a normal thing for young bubs. If it helps calm your bub, try carrying him in a sling/carrier during his fussy times. They like to feed  more often in the afternoons, google information on "cluster feeding". Sometimes understanding why the are doing something can help you feel calmer about it.

I found with my bub that when he would only have a short sleep during the day, he would burp when I picked him up so I tried harder to burp him after I fed him before his sleeps and had sow success with this.

Husbands can often settle bub better than us because they don't associate Daddy with milk.  

Try not to have too many expectations that your bub will have any kind of routine at a young age. They need to feed a lot and need to sleep a lot. Try not to feel as though you have to be a perfect parent. I think most new Mums wonder if they are doing a good job. Lack of sleep and exhaustion don't help. Babies cry and fuss and can be hard to settle.  Don't be afraid to feed to sleep at this stage.

#25 TillyTake2

Posted 12 January 2013 - 08:07 AM

The newborn stage was by FAR the hardest for me!!

Some of what you are saying makes me wonder if you have post natal depression. I had PND but wasn't diagnosed until my son was much older. I just kept telling myself it would get better & I only felt this way because I was tired etc but now I know that isn't true. I saw a psychologist & a perinatal psychiatrist (a dr who specialises in depression in women who've had babies) & I was the best thing I ever did. There is also lots of practical help available through these sources. Please speak to your ob/midwife/GP & DON'T wait it out. xx

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