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The Choice between family first or career


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#51 bluebirdbaby

Posted 11 January 2013 - 12:21 PM

We sound like kindred spirits OP (minus the medical history that is...) I'm 21, and my partner is 26; we are expecting our first (surprise) baby in four weeks. As every PP has said, if you definitely want a family in the future go for it. You appear to be very mature, in a stable and loving relationship and financially capable of supporting yourselves. Considering you already have numerous qualifications, it seems that re-entering the workforce will be much less complicated for you the earlier you have children as you will still only be in your mid-twenties by the time your child is in full-time school. (Presuming you don't start work before that time). This would enable you to continue your career uninterrupted, long into your adulthood (when other women would have to break to start their families). It's a well-worn clichè, but I do believe that age is just a number... maturity and age infrequently correlate! To an outsider who doesn't know me (or indeed- you), 21 may sound very young to be bringing another person into the world, but for anyone who has met me or watched me grow up, emotionally I've been middle-aged since before I began high school! I too skipped all of the typical teenage partying etc. It never interested me and still doesn't. I have much more in common with the 30-40 year old mothers I know than the 21 year olds I went to school with. You know what you want, I think it is more a case of 'what will it look like to the outside world' and your trepidation stems from that and what others may think. Sorry this has turned into such a novel! In short, if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.  original.gif

#52 MrsLexiK

Posted 11 January 2013 - 12:27 PM

QUOTE (Koda1991 @ 11/01/2013, 12:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Wow... you have really had a rough run... I feel for you and congratulations original.gif Mine is a really interesting case... i have endometriosis however with every period i have i get more scarring rather then getting the tissue adhereing to outside the uterus this is trying to re adhere to the womb... and it gets pulled off during the period causing the trauma (im over internal ultrasounds they hurt really bad...) the treatment that my gyno recommended (he sent me to a FS for clarification before prescribing) was the pill my GP had put me on implanon and i had suffered a constant period for 3 months (she wouldnt remove it until the "adjustment period of 3 mths" was over) my FS said that implanon causing the continuous period basically kicked the scarring into top gear and the only treatment he could think of with out operating and removing as much as possible internally and externally (uterine and abdominally) was the pill monophasic for 3months then take sugar pills then 3 months again so i am getting less periods to minimise the damage that was occuring monthly... however finding the pill my body actually likes is difficult

Thank you, sorry I am trying to understand and it is after lunch on a fri afternoon so not going very well.  Is it sticking to your uterine muscles? (ie inside) because if it is that is adeno which is a form of endo, and I would highly recommend seeing a gyno who specialises in it. Many do not think it plays that much part in infertility and the main issue is implanting and staying implanted and then the location of the placenta.  Bear in mind that some women with this condition are still in constent pain durning pregnancy and there is nothing they can take for the pain. (they have already gone way past the point of the safe drugs which are available to pregnant and breast feeding women)

I know people who have gone on implanon and yes they have had endo, adeno or PCOS or a combi of all and they have had the issues for 3 months.  One of these girls is actually on another pill ontop of the implanon and is finally having more normal periods.  Everything needs to be tried for 3 months even natural medicine it is advised for 3 months when I have gone to see any improvement (when talking about an inbalance in hormons)

I am just coming from a similar position and wouldn't have dreamed of having a child that young because I may not get a chance. (and yes I always wanted to be a mother)  If you are going to go through the process of TTC you need to be ready to (different if there is a surprise or something) but to actively try you need to be emontionally ready (especially if you know that you have a higher risk of not getting to the end of the pregnancy with a healthy baby), you also need to factor in that not all children are born healthy and how you are going to deal with that.  just because you get to 12 weeks or 24 weeks or 38 weeks doesn't mean you will get to take your baby home.  I don't mean to scare you and probably you will go onto have a healthy baby I have just witnessed friends and family be dealt some surprises, and some tragic news in the last 5 years so it is something that plays on your mind that this does actually happen to people you know and could very easily happen to you.  

Maybe that is why at 21 when two people in my DH's family had still borns one due to an abnormality and one due for no reason at all, his friends baby was born premature, another friend had a child that was born with a horrible genetic condition that was never picked up on and will mean that sometime within the next 15 years she will no longer be here, a relative in my family had only just made it to 21 about 10 years earlier with a genetic condition and a few months passed way, andother friend of mine went into pre term labour and her daughter was born tiny as her placenta had started to disappare (weight loss was put down to healthy eating.) Maybe I listened to my dr who said "don't just have kids just because you think you may not get them in the future, or because you are scared.  I will help you get them whenever you choose to have them" I listened to him. Because there was no way that I would have been able to deal with the above very well at 21, not just emontionally but financially as well.

#53 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 12:35 PM

QUOTE (FoxyRetro*Gal @ 11/01/2013, 01:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm intrigued...what do you mean by SWAT? It's a US term. Are you talking millitary or police?
I had a child at 21 (not planned). It wasn't easy but certainly not the end of the world. If I has stopped at 1 child I would have been as free as a bird by 40, there's one plus for you original.gif


Tactical Response Unit... My major for my second degree is going to be hostage negotiation. (I grew up in USA came back to Aus - born here - when i was 10 so still have a 50/50 lingo)

and to the person who seems to be nothing but a grammar nazi! There Their They're you'll be okay... if i miss a spelling error or a punctuation point my apologies to you! If you have nothing better to do then spell check good luck too you cool.gif natangel remember you dont know anyone until you have walked a mile in THEIR shoes... i wont judge you if you dont judge me original.gif everyone has a right to their opinion but dont go out of your way to cut people down!
If you aint got nuffin nice too say dont say nuffin at all....

bluebirdbaby:
Firstly CONGRATS!!!!

We do sound like kindred spirits! I really do think that my hesitation is from all the stigma that is placed on young mums in society...
I dont mind novels! If its the best way to get the point across go for it! My best mate is 31 she is 10yrs older then me and has a 6yr and a 3yr (love those kids)...
From the outside looking in in my town i know how people veiw young mums, guess im just nervous (which i think anyone is when they have to decide where their life is going)

#54 Lishyfips

Posted 11 January 2013 - 12:38 PM

QUOTE (Koda1991 @ 11/01/2013, 12:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks Lishyfips!
I have copped heaps in my life because i never partied i never really dated (a failed in the a*se he can jump off a cliff type of relationship 2yrs ago...) and now with my Mr i have he is perfect too me... i do regret not partying but now all my mates are either married/married with children/or/ just have children... so we are all cooking cleaning talking about the best way to the stain off the lounge (my solution by a washable lounge cover)... very different group of friends...  
I really hope that my life works out... my life has just made sense the last 12mths everything has just fallen into place not having to work hard at my uni i am studying well but its not a struggle, met my OH at a bar when i was trying to party on a rare occasion my bestie can get her hubby to look after kids...

Do you find that there is a strong support network on here??


I'm not sure about finding proper support on a forum as I've only just joined a few days ago. I don't think I'd count on it, but it seems like a good place to get opinions and the odd bit of advice.
When I had my first, none of my friends had or were even considering kids (they're just getting around to it now as I'm having a third, or they're wishing they'd done so sooner as its not so easy in late-thirties). The best support I've had is from the women in the mothers group I was automatically placed in by the maternal and child health nurse. It was a little weird at first - everyone in a strange, sleep-deprived state and all wih different birth/breast feeding/sleeping complications to get our heads around - but over time we became good friends. Now, more than seven years later, those of us still in the group have supported each other through all kinds of difficult and wonderful times.
Thank goodness you've got friends with kids, and once you have kids you'll no doubt make more. Although the world of motherhood can seem like a harsh and judgemental place sometimes, I have to say I really love that it always gives you something to talk to other mothers about. I used to look at men who'd meet complete strangers and strike up a friendly conversation about sport - they had this easy topic to begin a conversation that could lead to other things. Well, being a mum gives you a similar instant way to bond with other women. There's the odd kooky lady who sees motherhood as a competitive sport but the vast majority instantly empathise with each other and want to share the experience with each other and offer support. Maybe you could talk to real women you come across if the forum thing doesn't give you the help you need (actually, I'm sure you're doing this already...).
Best of luck to you. And maybe, if I can offer some advice, be careful about revealing too much about yourself in forums as it looks as though there are people ready to pounce on things with a critical or disbelieving comment. You don't need or deserve that.

#55 FeralPerthFembo

Posted 11 January 2013 - 12:55 PM

Hi OP, sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You are already very accomplished for your age, with a clear career path and trajectory you are well ahead of many late 20’s I know.

The way I look at it, you can start a career at any age, options will always be there. The option to have children won’t be. Many women take a risk by putting off children till late 30’s without really knowing if their body will be capable then. You have this knowledge about your body’s limitations and although you’ve drawn the short straw somewhat, this knowledge is a very valuable thing.

Instead of gambling with the unknown as most of us have to do, you can actually know. Kids young or kids never. When it’s broken down to those two options I think the answer for you will become clear.

I don’t really class myself as a “young” mum, but I have comments to say I was even at 26. I don’t regret for a moment not waiting until my career was further along or I had travelled/partied more or had more money.

I would also ask yourself, do you want more than one child? Do you need to factor in enough time for a sibling as well?

Good luck OP, all the best.

Edited by JBaby, 11 January 2013 - 02:07 PM.


#56 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:06 PM

My partner said that more then one would be nice but agrees with me about counting everything as a miracle if we have one healthy kid and decide to try for another and it doesnt happen it wont be the end of the world....

Lishy... Thanks heaps, i have found everywhere there are people who have nothing better to do then pick at what you think/say/do/type/mistype... Thanks heaps for advice i wish some people would grow up though (yea i know im 21 i shouldnt be allowed to say that)....

But it is a free world and everyone has the right too their opinion, and i accept that...

JBaby original.gif thanks heaps when it is broken down into the long and short of it Baby now or baby Never it really does reflect how precious life is and that i see so many who seem to take it for granted, thanks for the perspective original.gif

#57 Chelli

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:19 PM

Hi,
Please remember our code of conduct when posting in the forums. If you have an issue with a member's story, then the correct avenue is to contact the Moderator of the forum to review the thread, report the thread, or contact a member of the Admin team.

Thankyou
Chelli
Forum Administrator


#58 Becca1605

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:20 PM

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 11/01/2013, 09:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think if I were in your position I would have a baby, especially if it might be your one and only chance.

You can always focus on your career later on.

I agree with this. You can always study later - if now is your best chance for a baby I would say go for it. There is plenty of time to go for your career.

#59 bluebirdbaby

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:44 PM

It's the biggest decision you will ever make OP; you have every right to be nervous! I can say that having started (though unfortunately not completed!) four different bachelors degrees ranging from speech pathology to law; travelled around the world with various volunteer organisations and student conferences and worked god knows how many 'unskilled' jobs since leaving school; I have never felt more comfortable, confident and sure of what I am doing with my future as during this pregnancy and when envisaging myself as a mother. I think it is having that confidence and 'inner peace' (for want of a better word) in knowing that which makes all of the difference. Having the unwavering support of my partner and our family is another incredibly important factor.
To be honest, as soon as we decided to bring this little man into the world any of my concerns about what I would do with my future completely dissipated, it became solely about giving him the best possible future. I have no doubt that I will return to study and pick up one of the degrees I've started, but right now it's not my priority; bringing a healthy and happy baby into the world is. As long as you are emotionally and financially stable the rest will come with time.


QUOTE (Lishyfips @ 11/01/2013, 10:38 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
if I can offer some advice, be careful about revealing too much about yourself in forums as it looks as though there are people ready to pounce on things with a critical or disbelieving comment. You don't need or deserve that.


This is very valuable advice! EB tends to bring out the people who feel the need to delve into everything you mention, rather than just giving the advice which was asked of them in the first place and leaving it at that. Avoid giving away any info that isn't necessary to illicit the advice you're looking for, you'll just end up answering questions/justifying yourself rather than receiving useful advice. Read the 'we are discussing threads' (particularly anything that seems controversial) first and you will soon see what I mean. Good luck!

Edited by bluebirdbaby, 11 January 2013 - 01:46 PM.


#60 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:53 PM

QUOTE (bluebirdbaby @ 11/01/2013, 02:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It's the biggest decision you will ever make OP; you have every right to be nervous! I can say that having started (though unfortunately not completed!) four different bachelors degrees ranging from speech pathology to law; travelled around the world with various volunteer organisations and student conferences and worked god knows how many 'unskilled' jobs since leaving school; I have never felt more comfortable, confident and sure of what I am doing with my future as during this pregnancy and when envisaging myself as a mother. I think it is having that confidence and 'inner peace' (for want of a better word) in knowing that which makes all of the difference. Having the unwavering support of my partner and our family is another incredibly important factor.
To be honest, as soon as we decided to bring this little man into the world any of my concerns about what I would do with my future completely dissipated, it became solely about giving him the best possible future. I have no doubt that I will return to study and pick up one of the degrees I've started, but right now it's not my priority; bringing a healthy and happy baby into the world is. As long as you are emotionally and financially stable the rest will come with time.




This is very valuable advice! EB tends to bring out the people who feel the need to delve into everything you mention, rather than just giving the advice which was asked of them in the first place and leaving it at that. Avoid giving away any info that isn't necessary to illicit the advice you're looking for, you'll just end up answering questions/justifying yourself rather than receiving useful advice. Read the 'we are discussing threads' (particularly anything that seems controversial) first and you will soon see what I mean. Good luck!



Thanks Heaps... i have found people just want to bring you down... so far everyone who has had career waited for baby has said that they wish they had done it sooner... having 2 qualifications that allow me to work from home (i enjoy my massage and makeup) is also something that has worked in my favor... i wont have to worry about employment as such as i can get back into a working routine without having to throw my resume at 100+ places....

The magnitude of the decision and the way the situation will look from the outside are the biggest things causing me nerves... the "her life is ruined" judge before you know the situation stigma that is seemingly more popular then i had ever thought.

#61 bluebirdbaby

Posted 11 January 2013 - 02:25 PM

QUOTE (Koda1991 @ 11/01/2013, 11:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The magnitude of the decision and the way the situation will look from the outside are the biggest things causing me nerves... the "her life is ruined" judge before you know the situation stigma that is seemingly more popular then i had ever thought.

To a certain extend this is true, although DP (darling partner in EB language) and I attended antenatal classes at our hospital last weekend and much to our shock (it's a private hospital in a wealthy suburb) we were neither the youngest nor the least mature couple there. We had the pleasure of sitting behind a 30-something couple who where actually giggling during the breastfeeding film... REALLY PEOPLE!? We appeared to be the only couple who had done any research into many of the topics covered (especially anything relating to breastfeeding, demand feeding and anything relating to attachment style parenting) prior to the class and it definitely resulted in a confidence boost for us knowing that we are far more prepared than we thought!
As I said, it's more about how you present and conduct yourself to those around you than anything else, if you conform to the negative stereotypes about young mums, then of course people are going to judge; (I still do!) but if you establish early on that you are an eloquent and educated young woman who is making the decision to start a family then people will surprise you with their kindness and geniuine happiness for you. I hear from almost every woman I come into contact with how they wish they hadn't waited so long to start a family and how excited they are for me. I am yet to hear any negative comments or anything at all relating to how old they think I may be, and if I anticipate that they may be the kind of person who would make a comment such as that I am sure to quash any question of my ability to parent by bombarding them with baby book jargon as soon as I'm given the opportunity  wink.gif

#62 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 02:46 PM

bluebirdbaby you my friend are AWESOME!!

the level of maturity is something that amazes me to this day...

Some people are young and mature others are older and immature... it is really strange...
My mate had her baby at 20... my own parents were ranting on about how her life is over etc etc etc and that she will never have a life... i think in honesty (my mother told me career dont even both about babies have a histo) im more scared of the reaction i get from my mother... she likes my partner but just i have a feeling if i fall pregnant she isnt gonna like anyone....

Good Luck with bubs



#63 niggles

Posted 11 January 2013 - 02:58 PM

What are your mothers concerns specifically? It's a big decision and I think it's worth listening to the people who know you.



#64 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 04:52 PM

QUOTE (niggles @ 11/01/2013, 03:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What are your mothers concerns specifically? It's a big decision and I think it's worth listening to the people who know you.

My mother doesn't want me to have a kid (we don't talk anymore) as having a kid was her biggest mistake

#65 Jessie_T

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:47 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 11/01/2013, 01:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would not have a baby under those circumstances.  It's not just the career, which can be picked up later.  It's living life, exploring the world, and the fact I don't believe at 21 you can pick a life partner and more importantly, the father of your children.  I wouldn't do it in a pink fit.  If it meant not having children later in life, so be it.



Totally disagree with this. I have been with Dh 8years, we met when I was 17 and he was 20. You can pick a life partner.

#66 cinnabubble

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:06 PM

OP, you appear to be mistaking the trappings of adulthood (property ownership, a degree) for maturity. You strike me as being incredibly young and overly concerned with the opinions of others (your boyfriend's parents, your mother, your boyfriend) and not strong on what you stand for yourself.

It also seems like retreating into having a baby is an ideal way of ensuring that you never have to step out of being the big fish in the little pond that you seem to be (some kind of agricultural queen two years running etc) and test what you're really made of. A peer group where the 22 year olds all have toddlers is not a representative sample of how most people live their lives. Nor is staying in the country and studying by correspondence a good way of experiencing the wings-stretching feeling that goes along with being an on-campus uni student out in the world for the first time.

If you're really serious about your future TRG career,  how on earth can you be satisfied with living in a country town where even 19 year old uni students can afford to buy property, doing massages out of your spare room?

And all those people who wish they'd had babies earlier? If we're doing anecdata, I had my first at 36 and my second at 40 and I have no regrets about being old. It very much worked for me. In fact, I was vehemently anti-children until I was 35.

I get that you feel hemmed in by your potential loss of fertility, but feeling like you're in the last chance saloon is not the best reason to make a person.

And this:
QUOTE
Totally disagree with this. I have been with Dh 8years, we met when I was 17 and he was 20. You can pick a life partner.

You're 25 FFS. You're at the beginning of your life. You can pick a life partner, but there's no way to know if you'll have the same partner for life.

Edited by cinnabubble, 11 January 2013 - 09:06 PM.


#67 Jenferal

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:19 PM

I met my husband at 18, we've been together 20 years next month.
Age doesn't have that much to do with it. Plenty of relationships fail no matter what the age of the couple.


Personally OP, I'd have a baby. The way I see it, on your deathbed many years in the future what will you regret more? Not having a child and possibly grandchildren, or not having a career until later in life? No one ever on their deathbed says"Gee I wish I'd worked more", do they?

Though you do need to stop worrying about what other people think and do what YOU think is right. There will ALWAYS be people who doubt you, always, no matter what age you have a child or don't.

#68 Jenferal

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:22 PM

And I agree with Cinabubble's post above. She puts it very well.

#69 Feral_Pooks

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:25 PM

DP and I started TTC earlier than we would have otherwise because of fertility issues. We both felt completely ready, and we both wanted a family more than anything else. We had been great friends for many years, a "couple" for a couple of years, and I don't think either of us felt we could get "more ready".

Perhaps if we had not known about fertility issues we would have waited another year or two, bought our house and got married first, but we just reversed the order somewhat original.gif

I was 24 and he was 27 when we began TTC and now I'm 27 with an almost 11 month old.

I have found the journey through pregnancy, birth and the first 6 months of DS's life to be the hardest thing I have ever done. My body, my mental and physical health, my emotions, my self esteem, my finances, my relationships with everyone, my living arrangements, my sleeping patterns, my tastes, my everything has completely changed. Nothing could have prepared me for it. It has been rough.

I am so, so glad that I have my best friend and love of my life by my side, and a small number of family and friends who have been there for us.

If I had my time again... Honestly, I have no regrets. I still think we made the right decision.

#70 Jane01

Posted 11 January 2013 - 10:37 PM

I'm sad that in 2013 we still have to choose between a baby and a career, or think we need to.  

I think you will find it is an advantage to have a child early.  They will be more independent when you want to ramp up your career in your 30's - this is typically when women's careers fall behind mens.  Many people are still at uni in their early 20's, so it is not like you'll be behind the rat race if you take some time off.

#71 cinnabubble

Posted 12 January 2013 - 06:55 AM

QUOTE
I'm sad that in 2013 we still have to choose between a baby and a career, or think we need to.

We're only discussing it because the OP has fertility challenges. The rest of us manage it at some point or another.

Edited by cinnabubble, 12 January 2013 - 06:56 AM.


#72 Jenferal

Posted 12 January 2013 - 11:30 AM

"The 'now or never' ultimatum is never a good way to choose the father/mother of your children."


Fair point Madame Catty.

#73 Jessie_T

Posted 13 January 2013 - 12:24 PM

And this:

You're 25 FFS. You're at the beginning of your life. You can pick a life partner, but there's no way to know if you'll have the same partner for life.
[/quote]


How rude are you....... Have you not had good luck with relationships???? If so, I can think I see the problem......

Edited by jessietroy, 14 January 2013 - 08:47 PM.


#74 DressageQueen

Posted 22 January 2013 - 09:57 AM

I had my first at 23, went back to uni when he was 1, and am now working full time and preg with #2 (uni deferred for now as I'm due at exam time). It's always felt like no issue at all trying to balance work/home/uni but I think this is due to having a fantastic DF who shares the load with me equally.

I would always, always put having kids before developing a career. Having kids has a time limit, having a career does not. That being said  it's important to be set up as well as possible financially which it sounds like the OP is. Working FT/studying PT or vice versa with kids is not as hard as it's made out to be.




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In the excitement and anticipation of a first pregnancy, I ignored the fine print: some women, some of the time.

Child with alcoholic mum who drank while pregnant won't win pay-out

A young child is not entitled to criminal injuries compensation after her mother drank excessively while pregnant.

Superbugs killing India's babies, posing wider threat

A deadly epidemic that could have global implications is quietly sweeping India, tens of thousands of newborns dying because antibiotics no longer work.

Can you teach a toddler to sleep in?

Parents share their tips on getting their early risers to sleep in, even for just a little bit longer.

Keeping your relationship on track as new parents

About 70 per cent of couples experience a slump in their relationship within three years of having a baby. Here's how we tried to get back on track.

America's favourite baby names of 2014

Americans are turning to television, Netflix and sports for ideas for what to name their wee ones.

Carers admit to force-feeding children

As Sydney grieves the loss of Sydney siege victims Katrina Dawson and Tori Johnson, reports have suggested that both died as heroes.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
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