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The Choice between family first or career


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#1 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:12 AM

Hi i dont know if i am putitng this in the right place... but as i am only 21 i think this is the place for me...
6mths ago i got told that i have moderate to severe endometrial scarring, and that i have to make the choice between a baby or my career... i have seen 4 different specialists and all have given me the same time frame (baby before you turn 25 or not at all...)... My partner (Not married) is incredibly supportive, (i have a career goal that was/is going to be criminal justice) however i am torn between being a young mum (financially i think we can cope... we are selling one of our houses anyway) or persuing my career (im looking at 3yrs before i would be elegable for mat leave (12mths training, 12mths probationary employement (no mat leave) and it is clearly stated that employment can be terminated in initial 6mths of full employment (in under a cadetship) if i state that i am pregnant... I am going to be in a high risk job so i wouldnt be able to not tell them... Im a fully qualified massage therapist (i can work and be a mum)...
My dr informed us yesterday that the longer we wait the lower our chances of having a rugrat is going to be... they have anticipated 97% of my uterus to be scared by the time i turn 26. so putting this off is something that will have an impact because in 2 yrs time my chances of miscarriage is nearly doubled as too what it is now... I suffered a miscarriage 2mths ago (didnt know i was pregnant, was doing fitness training - self defence - i do MMA; took a kick to the gut) we worked through it i was 5wks along.
I just need some guidance from other young mums and mums to be on how they coped, was there any loss of friends (my 3 closest friends all have kids anyway) but one of my great friends is all about career and it has us divided... Sorry this is so long i am just struggling with what my options are and if i wait will it be too late...

#2 Fluster

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:25 AM

I fell pregnant at 19, had my baby at 20.  My employer went bankrupt when I was three months along, I had no car or license, had long since dropped out of uni, my then partner was chronically unemployed and I didn't even own a kitchen table.  

I picked up temporary work throughout the pregnancy, landed f/t work out of it, and went from there.  At 31, I have a license, car, house, degree, career, husband (not my son's father) and am TTC #: 2.  Also managed to fit in a few trips overseas.  For me, having a child gave me an impetus to succeed - I had someone to look after, so was prepared to do 'whatever it took' to make it happen. I went back to work 2 weeks after my son was born, and there was a period where I was a single mother with two jobs, studying part time.  

I don't regret a thing, but having a child meant the loss of several friendships (largely because I was too busy and too poor to maintain them!).  It's obviously also a restriction on travel, lifestyle and, if you end up a single parent, on who is willing to date you and what sort of jobs you can hold down.

I guess what I am saying is that being a young parent has challenges, because you are less likely to be established, but I don't think they are insurmountable.  Good luck, whatever you choose.

#3 Lishyfips

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:29 AM

I'm not a young mum, I had my first at thirty. Until then I was very much into my exciting, high pay, lots of travel, glamorous career. It never occurred to me to have kids when I was having such a ball - not till my husband raised it and I thought, 'might as well.'  But my goodness, having kids is soooooooo much more rewarding than my job ever was. I wish I'd started younger and I know I'll be telling my daughters not to wait as long as I did.
You can make it work! You sound very switched on, with a clear idea of what you want to do with your life - you can make that happen when your kids are at an age to make it possible. And you'll still be young! With all that energy and enthusiasm. You'll be back in the workforce while other women your age are leaving in droves to have their kids.
Kids are hard work but they're way more fun than you could ever imagine. And the career stuff, it can wait. You'd regret it so much if you miss the chance of kids.

#4 Harmonica

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:32 AM

I would never choose to have a baby that young EXCEPT for the circumstance that you describe - I would then much rather have a child young, than not have a child ever due to medical indications.

#5 Nofliesonme

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:39 AM

You joined today and you are up with all the slang already............. Hmmmm I will bite.

In the circumstances you describe I'd choose being a young mum.

#6 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:39 AM

Thanks original.gif
I bought my first house at 19 (3 bedroom on acreage close to town; have it rented out paying for itself - the irony i bought it through my uncle (real estate agent) in his home town which turns out where my partner lived, I bought the house next door)... Everyone of my friends (my best mate is 31 and she had her first at 23) has been a young mum they keep telling me that being younger you have the energy and that you bounce back really quick... I already study uni via correspondence... my life is basically set up to just add baby... i am just a bit unsure being so young, living in a small town (i was Miss Showgirl 2 times running, so i am well known) i hate gossip... just need to find people who know the struggle that im facing...

Did anyone have any issues gaining employment after bub???? where i currently work they dont like to employ mums with young kids as they can be very "unreliable" if they get a sick kid or something....(boss is 47yr old spinster who hates kids)...

Thanks again... Just have to sit down with the main man and see when we want to start... i get a bit emotional because i want to be a mum and i feel like i have been dealt the cards of life direct from hell... seen better hands in a poker game to be honest...

#7 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:42 AM

QUOTE (thunda @ 11/01/2013, 09:39 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You joined today and you are up with all the slang already............. Hmmmm I will bite.

In the circumstances you describe I'd choose being a young mum.


I am slightly intrigued.... there is lingo in baby forums?? please do educate me (i learn fast...!)

#8 kwiggle

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:43 AM

Please remember that doctors can only give you general advice from their experience working with thousands of people, not advice specific to you - whether it is easy for you to conceive, carry a baby and be a mum can only be determined after the fact!  By giving you this advice, they are trying to give you choices.  Noone can say you will never conceive later on, just that it may be difficult for you.  This is why everyone has a story about how their mum was given 6 months to live 5 years ago, or that conceiving would be tough and they got pregnant straight away.

If I were you (unless you have already done so), I would go and see a fertility specialist for their advice - they may have a bigger pool experience with your particular problem than general gynaes or GPs.  

For what it's worth my advice is this - it's harder to study & work with a family, but not impossible.  I'm not young, but have had DS in the middle of a long training program.  He's 7 months old and I've completed 2 uni subjects last semester, am working and will sit a major exam this May.  If you have ambition and an active mind, you may enjoy studying with a little one.  

I do know people who have regretted having children young, but they are the minority in my opinion.  If you really want a family then given yourself the best chance of having one.  You can definitely have a career as well if you want one.

#9 Holidayromp

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:43 AM

I am not a young mum but have your family now.  You are lucky to know now that you have problems rather than wait until later and find out that you can never have children.
No career is that important to take the place of a family (unless of course you don't want children).  If you want children you will not regret taking the step and starting your family as soon as possible.
The amount of people that are waiting until their late 30s to have kids have risen only to realise that they can never have them or would have a hard time conceiving naturally you have been given a chance.  Take it is my advice.
Even though 21 is young coping with a baby is doable - just muddle through day by day like the rest of us do.  biggrin.gif

#10 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:47 AM

QUOTE (kwiggle @ 11/01/2013, 09:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If I were you (unless you have already done so), I would go and see a fertility specialist for their advice - they may have a bigger pool experience with your particular problem than general gynaes or GPs.


The specialists i saw were fertility experts... i didnt trust my gp so referred to Gyno... Gyno referred me directly to fertility expert, then go second opinion then second opinion on the second opinion... I wish i was following the advice of my GP... :'(

#11 kwiggle

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:53 AM

Just reread your original post - just so you are aware, the kick to your guts couldn't cause a MC at 5 weeks because your uterus is protected by the bones of your pelvis at that stage.  Just bad luck OP!  Sounds to me like you might have already decided to go for the family.... so good luck with it!

#12 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 08:58 AM

QUOTE (kwiggle @ 11/01/2013, 09:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just reread your original post - just so you are aware, the kick to your guts couldn't cause a MC at 5 weeks because your uterus is protected by the bones of your pelvis at that stage. Just bad luck OP! Sounds to me like you might have already decided to go for the family.... so good luck with it!


Thanks the dr thinks that due to the scarring the kick and the way i fell made the implant pull away or tear or something it was basically a chain reaction the kick in the guts just pushed the other dominos... Thanks again its amazing the support and advice available to people now days original.gif Thanks again

#13 harryboy

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:06 AM

I had DS at 35. At 21, children were the last thing on my mind...but with the benefit of hindsight.....nothing I have ever done compares to being a Mum to my son and in your situation and knowing what I do now, I would have a child. If you are committed enough you will still have the time and energy for your career. As PP said, you sound pretty switched on!

#14 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:08 AM

QUOTE (harryboy @ 11/01/2013, 10:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I had DS at 35. At 21, children were the last thing on my mind...but with the benefit of hindsight.....nothing I have ever done compares to being a Mum to my son and in your situation and knowing what I do now, I would have a child. If you are committed enough you will still have the time and energy for your career. As PP said, you sound pretty switched on!


Thanks original.gif Everyone has said to me it is challenge but its the most rewarding kind...

#15 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:19 AM

I think if I were in your position I would have a baby, especially if it might be your one and only chance.

You can always focus on your career later on.

#16 madmax1

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:23 AM

I put baby on hold to pursue my career. I loved my job and kept putting my husband off.

Then a colleague went on maternity leave and we had redundancy issues. The whole department was turned on its head. The job I loved so much with a good future didnt exist anymore and the new job was filled by the best mate of the new manager. I was heart broken and to this day feel bitter about the way I was treated. My biggest regret is putting off having a child for my career because within a few weeks with matters out of my control it was all whipped away from me.

I have a son now and I am an older mum. I wish I had started earlier as I want another and time is not on my side.

Considering your position the fact you are settled etc I would say go for it. The career is there after you are done. It can be done. Good luck


#17 axiomae

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:28 AM

Go for it! I'm 27 and although not at young as you am glad that I didn't wait until my early 30s, as we had planned. DD was a surprise, and the most delicious one at that! Being a mum is wonderful, and you will have plenty of time to peruse a career in a few years. If that's the option or never having children, young mum all the way original.gif

#18 Fluster

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:31 AM

QUOTE (Koda1991 @ 11/01/2013, 08:39 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Did anyone have any issues gaining employment after bub???? where i currently work they dont like to employ mums with young kids as they can be very "unreliable" if they get a sick kid or something....(boss is 47yr old spinster who hates kids)...


No, most people will assume that a 23 year old well-dressed woman is footloose and fancy-free.  I've shocked countless people in various spheres when they've learned I'm a mother.

#19 niggles goes feral

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:38 AM

My sister who had children at about that age, before her career kicked off, is 2IC of a large government department. You can acheive whatever you set your mind to and as your children get older and more independent you will have age and energy on your side.

Good luck with your decision.

QUOTE (thunda @ 11/01/2013, 06:39 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You joined today and you are up with all the slang already............. Hmmmm I will bite.


What on earth are you talking about? The OP didn't use any unique jargon.

#20 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:43 AM

QUOTE (Fluster @ 11/01/2013, 10:31 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No, most people will assume that a 23 year old well-dressed woman is footloose and fancy-free. I've shocked countless people in various spheres when they've learned I'm a mother.

I have mulitple degrees behind me...
Law - Criminal Specialist
Massage Therapist (2007 - was still in school)
Make Up Artist (Napoleon Perdis Academy - Best decision i ever made) (2008 - was Still in school)
govt management training qualifications
now studying behavioural science...
I know i have options and plenty... im actually at the point where i am thinking long term into my career (police and counter terrorism) "what if" "what if i get hurt (if i had a baby) what would happen how would my partner cope... etc and i am probably going to do another career change...

#21 julzely

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:47 AM

For me personally it wouldn't even be a question. I have wanted kids for ever and if I was in your situation I would start trying now.  

I guess the question to ask yourself is in 10-20-30 years do you see your life with kids in it?  If the answer is yes than I think you need to go for it now, as the regret would be very hard for me to live with.

In terms of a career plenty of people take a long time to decided what they want to do.  Let say you have a child now at 21, study part time for a degree say 6 years, you will be ready to start full time work by the time you child is in school and you will only be 27.  This is very do-able.

On the friends side of things people come and go.  While you may lose some friends you will also gain more friends.  Friendship rarely lasts for ever. Those that do are extra special but the others are just important, but I wouldn't base my life decisions around them.

#22 Duck.

Posted 11 January 2013 - 09:59 AM

I had DD at 19 (him 25)
Im not going to lie it is hard but...
When she goes to kindy im going back to study.

Its not the end of the world it just makes things harder

#23 Koda1991

Posted 11 January 2013 - 10:04 AM

Thanks original.gif I am starting to look at it from a future perspective... my partner keeps telling me he is wanting to hear the sound of little feet... (it seems there is a plus side to being settled with a 26yr old... Maturity original.gif... )
We are about to make a big move... in 6mth we are moving back to his home town... I hate my town only have 1 friend in it... and most of my family is in QLD and the region we are moving to...
He keeps telling me we should try... i guess i was just unsure as to what to do... can we afford a baby, how will his parents react (they keep asking me when i am going to give them a grand kid)

I think i just needed clarity on the situation... Thanks heaps you are all such an awesome bunch of ladies!



#24 cinnabubble

Posted 11 January 2013 - 10:07 AM

You're 21 and they're nagging you about having a baby? Things really are different in the country.

#25 ubermum

Posted 11 January 2013 - 10:12 AM

The only reason I would ever say baby before career is in the circumstance where babies may not be possible later. They needn't be mutually exclusive either. I have just completed a degree while being at home with young children.




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