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Random WDYT - Ettiquette


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30 replies to this topic

#1 FeralPerthFembo

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:36 PM

I’ll warn you now this is a random question, but my friend has gotten me wondering lol

So my good friend is getting married and we’re discussing her invitations. There is a friend of her partner’s that have been married a few months and she doesn’t know if the wife has kept her own name, taken on her husbands or hyphenated. She asks her partner, he doesn’t know either.

Anyways, I know many women who keep their surname on marriage get annoyed at receiving mail addressed to “Mr & Mrs His Surname”.  What I’m wondering is, would most women who take their husband’s name find it annoying/offensive to get an invitation addressed to “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

Personally I wouldn’t give a rats either way, but what do you think the correct etiquette would be if you couldn’t find out? (I’ve told my friend she should get her partner to find out for sure, but lets say hypothetically you couldn’t)

WDYT? Safer to address things to “Mr & Mrs His Surname” or “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

Edited by JBaby, 10 January 2013 - 03:39 PM.


#2 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:43 PM

My partner and I aren't married - we tend to get joint invitations/letters/etc. addressed to our first names only.

I think for some people it is because they can't remember my or DP's surname though!

#3 50ftqueenie

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:44 PM

How hard is it for her partner to send a text to his friend saying "what is X's last name.  Need to know for invitations"

If we're playing hypotheticals then just use first names.

Edited by 50ftqueenie, 10 January 2013 - 03:46 PM.


#4 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:46 PM

QUOTE (JBaby @ 10/01/2013, 03:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What I’m wondering is, would most women who take their husband’s name find it annoying/offensive to get an invitation addressed to “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

As one married woman who has taken her husband's name, I wouldn't be offended.  

Why doesn't your friend (or her partner) just ask the woman in question?


QUOTE (JBaby @ 10/01/2013, 03:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Personally I wouldn’t give a rats either way, but what do you think the correct etiquette would be if you couldn’t find out? (I’ve told my friend she should get her partner to find out for sure, but lets say hypothetically you couldn’t)

WDYT? Safer to address things to “Mr & Mrs His Surname” or “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

If I couldn't find out prior to sending out the invitations, I'd probably address it as “Mr & Mrs His Surname” , because it is more conventional to do that.

A couple of girlfriends have keep their maiden names.  They don't get offended if they receive mail for Mr and Mrs His Surname".  Just as their husbands don't get offended if they received mail address to "Mr and Mrs Her Surname", which does happen occasionally.

#5 MrsLexiK

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:47 PM

Failing sending a text message when in doubt I do not assume and would go with Mr and Ms or like in my case I just used the first name of our friends and resereved the Mr and Mrs for the older people.

ETA: I realised I would leave the DH's first name off because I cannot stand being addressed as basically nothing more then an extension of my DH.  I have since changed my name (finally) but I would be peeved to receive an invite with only his first name. If using the same last name I always put Mr W and Mrs F Smith for example.

Edited by MrsLexiK, 10 January 2013 - 03:54 PM.


#6 Mpjp is feral

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:48 PM

We get mail from our real estate agent addressed to:

"Mr and Mrs His Surname and Ms Her Maiden Name".

That way they are covering all bases!!!

I don't have my dh's name....but I don't care if I get mail addressed to me as that! Doesn't ruin my day or anything!!

#7 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:48 PM

Most people are probably adult enough not to get sniffy if an inviter assumes they have taken their husband's surname. All they have to do is reply to the invitation using their preferred name.

#8 Bunsen the feral

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:50 PM

I'd say assuming she changed her name was more likely to offend than using her maiden name but most people I know only really get offended if they get referred to as Mrs His first name His surname.

Personally I would either address it to Mr His Name and Ms Maiden name or Mr and Mrs Hername-Hisname. Either way I would include a little note saying "we just realised we don't know if you have changed your name, please let us know what you prefer to be known as"

#9 Herewecome...

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:50 PM

I don't have my husband's surname - I absolutely HATE when I get mail to Mr & Mrs Bill Smith.  I don't mind it addressed to Mr & Mrs Smith (even though I'm not a Mrs nor am I a Smith) - we're married and it doesn't worry me at all.

You'd be safe going for Mr & Mrs HisSurname.

Sometimes we do get mail to Mr & Mrs MySurname (which makes me chuckle - it doesn't worry DH at all).



#10 *LucyE*

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:52 PM

The correct thing to do would be to show the respect to ask and address it correctly.

I personally don't care - I still get some things in my maiden name as well as my married name. I get mildly annoyed at Mr and Mrs DH first name and surname. I also get mildly annoyed at the Ms title but that's because it demonstrates a lack of care or understanding of me.

#11 JRA

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:55 PM

Why not just ask them. Surely they are
Friends if they are being invited to the wedding. Why is that so hard?

#12 BatDog

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:58 PM

If she can't find out, I would address the envelope to Mr and Mrs His Surname and on the actual invitations, use their first names.

The polite thing to do would be to find out though.

#13 bakesgirls

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:02 PM

I have never used my married name, I still go by my 'maiden' name. We get mail all the time addressed to Mr and Mrs HisSurname. I couldn't care less.

#14 elizabethany

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:11 PM

I would ask, and try to get it right, but given the hypothetical of not being able to find out, I would go with Mr & Mrs His Surname.  I am currently trying to think of ANY married couple that I am friends with where she did not take his name.  Yup, one, because she has the title Dr, and people would always assume the Dr is male.

#15 Jane Jetson

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:14 PM

I'd just text and ask her what she prefers.

We get all sorts of permutations here, the most common incorrect one being Mr and Mrs Myoldsurname. Neither of us mind - usually. The one that bothers us is Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Oursurname.

#16 YandiGirl

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:16 PM

Friends of mine who aren't married often get mail addressed to Dr and Mrs Surname.

The funny thing though is that She's the Dr.....  biggrin.gif

Oh, and neither of them care either way which surname is used. They know who each is.

#17 BadCat

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:23 PM

I prefer my mail to be addressed to The Mighty Overlord.



#18 namie

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:28 PM

DP and I often get mail addressed to Mr & Mrs MySurname HisSurname. Admittedly it is usually from his family, lol! Mostly we get things addressed to MyFirstName & HisFirstName

If we were married and I hadn't taken his surname (my intention is to not change if we do marry) it wouldn't bother me to be addressed as Mr & Mrs HisSurname. I could see this happening with more old school people in my family.

It would greatly annoy me to be Mr & Mrs HisFirstName HisSurname. I have my own first name which has been mine from birth and will never change.

But I agree with the others - good etiquette, whether close friends or not, would be to find out for sure so you can address it correctly. A Christmas card envelope may not matter so much, but a pre-printed wedding invitation is a pretty big deal to have incorrect.

#19 Chief Pancake Make

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:32 PM

On my wedding invitations I adressed the envelope to Mr Smith and on the invite put John & Jayne.

When they RSVPed yes I foundout her surname for the table places.

It really Peeves me when I get mail adressed to Mrs Ben Smith*  (not my real name).  Yes I took his surname, but I dont recall changing my first name to Ben.   The only person who does this is my mother and I have threatened to return her mail.

#20 ~Nic~

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:34 PM

I would just address the envelope in his name, and then put both first names on the invite.

#21 HappyWomble

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:44 PM

Our wedding invitations went out to first names (and it gave me room to have the kids names on the envelope too). Wasn't a super formal wedding but super formal hand addressed invites biggrin.gif (I'm a designer, did them all myself. Unfortunately it was all so neat, people thought my handwriting was a fancy typed font sad.gif )

And I HATE with a passion being referred to as Mrs HisLastName. I'm Ms MyLastName.

Edited by HappyWomble, 10 January 2013 - 04:46 PM.


#22 FeralPerthFembo

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:15 PM

QUOTE (BadCat @ 10/01/2013, 03:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I prefer my mail to be addressed to The Mighty Overlord.

LOL


QUOTE (~Nic~ @ 10/01/2013, 03:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would just address the envelope in his name, and then put both first names on the invite.

Brilliant, can't be wrong!


To clarify my friend has never met the woman and the husband is an old school friend of her fiancee’s she’s only met once (lives interstate) which is why she hasn't just asked directly, but like I said in OP I’m sure she will l get the correct name before invitations go out. I was just curious about the hypothetical situation original.gif

Also, only thinking of the names on the envelope, I don't think I've ever recieved a wedding invite with first and last name on it...? Guess my friends/family's weddings arent that fancy lol

I have NEVER been addressed “Mrs his firstname his last name” and if I did I would think the person addressing it was from the dark ages! I'm surprised anyone does this...

Edited by JBaby, 10 January 2013 - 05:18 PM.


#23 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:21 PM

My aunt routinely sends us a Xmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs His First Name and then a surname that belongs to neither of us.

#24 Bel Rowley

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:22 PM

QUOTE (*LucyE* @ 10/01/2013, 04:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The correct thing to do would be to show the respect to ask and address it correctly.

I agree.

I am someone who is very proud to be Ms G S____, but I am not deeply offended at wedding invitations addressed to Mr and Mrs D____  or M & G D_____. What does offend me is when I RSVP with "G S____ and M D____" will attend, and my placecard at the wedding still says "G D_____".

#25 ImpatientAnna

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:28 PM

QUOTE (50ftqueenie @ 10/01/2013, 04:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How hard is it for her partner to send a text to his friend saying "what is X's last name.  Need to know for invitations"

If we're playing hypotheticals then just use first names.

This - DP should just txt friend and say 'what's your wife's surname?'

Me, personally, well I couldn't give a sh*t but even my parents thought I switched names until we named our son with my surname. They are a bit traditional and didn't think to ask.




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