Jump to content

Random WDYT - Ettiquette

  • Please log in to reply
30 replies to this topic

#1 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:36 PM

I’ll warn you now this is a random question, but my friend has gotten me wondering lol

So my good friend is getting married and we’re discussing her invitations. There is a friend of her partner’s that have been married a few months and she doesn’t know if the wife has kept her own name, taken on her husbands or hyphenated. She asks her partner, he doesn’t know either.

Anyways, I know many women who keep their surname on marriage get annoyed at receiving mail addressed to “Mr & Mrs His Surname”.  What I’m wondering is, would most women who take their husband’s name find it annoying/offensive to get an invitation addressed to “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

Personally I wouldn’t give a rats either way, but what do you think the correct etiquette would be if you couldn’t find out? (I’ve told my friend she should get her partner to find out for sure, but lets say hypothetically you couldn’t)

WDYT? Safer to address things to “Mr & Mrs His Surname” or “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

Edited by JBaby, 10 January 2013 - 03:39 PM.

#2 HRH Countrymel

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:43 PM

My partner and I aren't married - we tend to get joint invitations/letters/etc. addressed to our first names only.

I think for some people it is because they can't remember my or DP's surname though!

#3 50ftqueenie

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:44 PM

How hard is it for her partner to send a text to his friend saying "what is X's last name.  Need to know for invitations"

If we're playing hypotheticals then just use first names.

Edited by 50ftqueenie, 10 January 2013 - 03:46 PM.

#4 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:46 PM

QUOTE (JBaby @ 10/01/2013, 03:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What I’m wondering is, would most women who take their husband’s name find it annoying/offensive to get an invitation addressed to “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

As one married woman who has taken her husband's name, I wouldn't be offended.  

Why doesn't your friend (or her partner) just ask the woman in question?

QUOTE (JBaby @ 10/01/2013, 03:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Personally I wouldn’t give a rats either way, but what do you think the correct etiquette would be if you couldn’t find out? (I’ve told my friend she should get her partner to find out for sure, but lets say hypothetically you couldn’t)

WDYT? Safer to address things to “Mr & Mrs His Surname” or “Mr His Surname & Ms Her Maiden Name”?

If I couldn't find out prior to sending out the invitations, I'd probably address it as “Mr & Mrs His Surname” , because it is more conventional to do that.

A couple of girlfriends have keep their maiden names.  They don't get offended if they receive mail for Mr and Mrs His Surname".  Just as their husbands don't get offended if they received mail address to "Mr and Mrs Her Surname", which does happen occasionally.

#5 MrsLexiK

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:47 PM

Failing sending a text message when in doubt I do not assume and would go with Mr and Ms or like in my case I just used the first name of our friends and resereved the Mr and Mrs for the older people.

ETA: I realised I would leave the DH's first name off because I cannot stand being addressed as basically nothing more then an extension of my DH.  I have since changed my name (finally) but I would be peeved to receive an invite with only his first name. If using the same last name I always put Mr W and Mrs F Smith for example.

Edited by MrsLexiK, 10 January 2013 - 03:54 PM.

#6 Mpjp is feral

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:48 PM

We get mail from our real estate agent addressed to:

"Mr and Mrs His Surname and Ms Her Maiden Name".

That way they are covering all bases!!!

I don't have my dh's name....but I don't care if I get mail addressed to me as that! Doesn't ruin my day or anything!!

#7 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:48 PM

Most people are probably adult enough not to get sniffy if an inviter assumes they have taken their husband's surname. All they have to do is reply to the invitation using their preferred name.

#8 Bunsen the feral

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:50 PM

I'd say assuming she changed her name was more likely to offend than using her maiden name but most people I know only really get offended if they get referred to as Mrs His first name His surname.

Personally I would either address it to Mr His Name and Ms Maiden name or Mr and Mrs Hername-Hisname. Either way I would include a little note saying "we just realised we don't know if you have changed your name, please let us know what you prefer to be known as"

#9 StinkyFeet

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:50 PM

I don't have my husband's surname - I absolutely HATE when I get mail to Mr & Mrs Bill Smith.  I don't mind it addressed to Mr & Mrs Smith (even though I'm not a Mrs nor am I a Smith) - we're married and it doesn't worry me at all.

You'd be safe going for Mr & Mrs HisSurname.

Sometimes we do get mail to Mr & Mrs MySurname (which makes me chuckle - it doesn't worry DH at all).

#10 *LucyE*

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:52 PM

The correct thing to do would be to show the respect to ask and address it correctly.

I personally don't care - I still get some things in my maiden name as well as my married name. I get mildly annoyed at Mr and Mrs DH first name and surname. I also get mildly annoyed at the Ms title but that's because it demonstrates a lack of care or understanding of me.

#11 JRA

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:55 PM

Why not just ask them. Surely they are
Friends if they are being invited to the wedding. Why is that so hard?

#12 BatDog

Posted 10 January 2013 - 03:58 PM

If she can't find out, I would address the envelope to Mr and Mrs His Surname and on the actual invitations, use their first names.

The polite thing to do would be to find out though.

#13 bakesgirls

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:02 PM

I have never used my married name, I still go by my 'maiden' name. We get mail all the time addressed to Mr and Mrs HisSurname. I couldn't care less.

#14 elizabethany

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:11 PM

I would ask, and try to get it right, but given the hypothetical of not being able to find out, I would go with Mr & Mrs His Surname.  I am currently trying to think of ANY married couple that I am friends with where she did not take his name.  Yup, one, because she has the title Dr, and people would always assume the Dr is male.

#15 Jane Jetson

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:14 PM

I'd just text and ask her what she prefers.

We get all sorts of permutations here, the most common incorrect one being Mr and Mrs Myoldsurname. Neither of us mind - usually. The one that bothers us is Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Oursurname.

#16 YandiGirl

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:16 PM

Friends of mine who aren't married often get mail addressed to Dr and Mrs Surname.

The funny thing though is that She's the Dr.....  biggrin.gif

Oh, and neither of them care either way which surname is used. They know who each is.

#17 BadCat

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:23 PM

I prefer my mail to be addressed to The Mighty Overlord.

#18 namie

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:28 PM

DP and I often get mail addressed to Mr & Mrs MySurname HisSurname. Admittedly it is usually from his family, lol! Mostly we get things addressed to MyFirstName & HisFirstName

If we were married and I hadn't taken his surname (my intention is to not change if we do marry) it wouldn't bother me to be addressed as Mr & Mrs HisSurname. I could see this happening with more old school people in my family.

It would greatly annoy me to be Mr & Mrs HisFirstName HisSurname. I have my own first name which has been mine from birth and will never change.

But I agree with the others - good etiquette, whether close friends or not, would be to find out for sure so you can address it correctly. A Christmas card envelope may not matter so much, but a pre-printed wedding invitation is a pretty big deal to have incorrect.

#19 Chief Pancake Make

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:32 PM

On my wedding invitations I adressed the envelope to Mr Smith and on the invite put John & Jayne.

When they RSVPed yes I foundout her surname for the table places.

It really Peeves me when I get mail adressed to Mrs Ben Smith*  (not my real name).  Yes I took his surname, but I dont recall changing my first name to Ben.   The only person who does this is my mother and I have threatened to return her mail.

#20 ~Nic~

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:34 PM

I would just address the envelope in his name, and then put both first names on the invite.

#21 HappyWomble

Posted 10 January 2013 - 04:44 PM

Our wedding invitations went out to first names (and it gave me room to have the kids names on the envelope too). Wasn't a super formal wedding but super formal hand addressed invites biggrin.gif (I'm a designer, did them all myself. Unfortunately it was all so neat, people thought my handwriting was a fancy typed font sad.gif )

And I HATE with a passion being referred to as Mrs HisLastName. I'm Ms MyLastName.

Edited by HappyWomble, 10 January 2013 - 04:46 PM.

#22 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:15 PM

QUOTE (BadCat @ 10/01/2013, 03:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I prefer my mail to be addressed to The Mighty Overlord.


QUOTE (~Nic~ @ 10/01/2013, 03:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would just address the envelope in his name, and then put both first names on the invite.

Brilliant, can't be wrong!

To clarify my friend has never met the woman and the husband is an old school friend of her fiancee’s she’s only met once (lives interstate) which is why she hasn't just asked directly, but like I said in OP I’m sure she will l get the correct name before invitations go out. I was just curious about the hypothetical situation original.gif

Also, only thinking of the names on the envelope, I don't think I've ever recieved a wedding invite with first and last name on it...? Guess my friends/family's weddings arent that fancy lol

I have NEVER been addressed “Mrs his firstname his last name” and if I did I would think the person addressing it was from the dark ages! I'm surprised anyone does this...

Edited by JBaby, 10 January 2013 - 05:18 PM.

#23 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:21 PM

My aunt routinely sends us a Xmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs His First Name and then a surname that belongs to neither of us.

#24 Bel Rowley

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:22 PM

QUOTE (*LucyE* @ 10/01/2013, 04:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The correct thing to do would be to show the respect to ask and address it correctly.

I agree.

I am someone who is very proud to be Ms G S____, but I am not deeply offended at wedding invitations addressed to Mr and Mrs D____  or M & G D_____. What does offend me is when I RSVP with "G S____ and M D____" will attend, and my placecard at the wedding still says "G D_____".

#25 ImpatientAnna

Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:28 PM

QUOTE (50ftqueenie @ 10/01/2013, 04:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How hard is it for her partner to send a text to his friend saying "what is X's last name.  Need to know for invitations"

If we're playing hypotheticals then just use first names.

This - DP should just txt friend and say 'what's your wife's surname?'

Me, personally, well I couldn't give a sh*t but even my parents thought I switched names until we named our son with my surname. They are a bit traditional and didn't think to ask.

1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users


Two children fall from second storey window

Two young boys have been rushed to hospital after falling out a second-storey window of a home in Eastwood.

Awards 2015: Vote now for a chance to win $2000

Vote for your favourite pregnancy, baby and toddler products for your chance to win your share of $2500 in cash prizes.

Victorian Labor to introduce same-sex adoption laws

Thousands of same-sex couples with children will have the right to be jointly recognised as parents by Victorian law.

Sneak peek: Maxomorra bee dress, t-shirt and romper for babies

Cutest snap find on the planet - bee rompers, tees and dresses for babies.

Toddler found two days after going missing

A two-year-old girl who disappeared on Friday night from her great-grandparents' home in rural Ohio was found alive Sunday evening in a nearby field.

Dad builds the ultimate bed for his toddler son

The transition from cot to big kid bed might be a little easier if every toddler had a bed like this one.

Is Woolworths now cheaper than Coles?

Woolworths appears to have taken the upper hand in its price battle with Coles after investing millions of dollars lowering the cost of groceries, according to new figures.

Aussie babies and parents stranded in Nepal after surrogacy ban

Parents say Australian babies are being "kept captive" and cannot come home after a ban on commercial surrogacy in Nepal.

Wannabe dads left behind in IVF debate

If virgin women can become mothers through IVF, maybe we're ready for another miracle - genuine equality for men in the parenting debate.

The health and fitness lessons I've learned

What I once assumed about health and fitness is wrong.

Our angel baby story: Hunter James

I have two children: one living, the next an angel baby.

Newlyweds send bill to no-show guests

Planning a wedding can be stressful – and, as most newlyweds can attest, it can be very costly, too.

Your choice or theirs: the tug-of-war over baby names

They had just decided on a name they both agreed on, but then the grandparents threw in an offer of $10,000 in exchange for choosing something else.

Dad-to-be's tearful reaction to pregnancy news goes viral

After 17 years of trying, this man had given up hope of having a family.

Claire Danes: acting out postnatal depression was difficult

Actress Claire Danes found it difficult pretending to have postnatal depression in Homeland, as she had just become a new mother herself.

The moment a 92-year-old meets her great grandaughter

It's a heart-warming photo this family will treasure forever.

How to prepare for breastfeeding when you're still pregnant

While every woman's breastfeeding journey is different, many hurdles are shared. Knowing what to expect will enable you to make informed decisions if - or when - you meet challenges along the way.

Sneak peek: new Love Mae bamboo dinnerware designs

We do love ourselves some brand new designs in tried and true products. The renowned bamboo dinnerware from Love Mae has just had several more members join the family, in addition to a brand new website.

Mum who killed paedophile gets reduced sentence

A mother-of-five who killed a paedophile has had her jail sentence reduced by a judge who described her case as a "truly exceptional" one.

Sneak peek: Geleeo self-cooling pram & high chair liners

We just spotted Geleeo, a brand new self-cooling pram liner you can buy in time for summer.

Toddler's silent debate with mum about naptime

He might not utter a single word - but this toddler is having a great debate with his mother about nap time.


What's hot on EB

Stella McCartney honours mum with lacy bra

Fashion designer Stella McCartney has honoured her late mum, Linda McCartney, by designing a special bra for post-mastectomy patients.

Don't panic: A granddad midwife's guide for dads-to-be

Mark Harris has helped deliver 500 babies. And he's now telling fathers what to expect.

How to be a calm parent when you're feeling anything but

Being a calm parent takes a lot of work, sometimes more than is obvious to those around us.

The joy and isolation of being a stay-at-home dad

It's cool, kind of like a second childhood. I love him to bits and think, on average, I'm an okay dad. But I also want to talk about the other stuff.

How baby Teddy's short life is helping save thousands of lives

He may have only lived for 100 minutes, but that didn't stop baby Teddy from saving the lives of others.

A heartbreaking trail of missed chances in death of baby forgotten in car

A haunting reminder to stay mindful about babies in cars, especially as we approach summer.

What to do if your baby has tongue-tie

Tongue-tie can cause feeding problems. However once it is diagnosed, the condition can be easily treated.

How to move house without losing your mind

Some people move frequently, while others like to stay put. But everyone finds it stressful.

'She had nowhere to go': how new mum's life began to unravel

The birth of her first child should have been happiest of times for Campsie mother Phuong Cao, but friends say it marked the beginning of when her life began to unravel. 

Women giving birth to a son keep some of his Y chromosomes

It was an experiment doomed to failure - they were looking for male cells in female bodies. And their search was stunningly successful.

Photos: How babies fit in the womb

A gorgeous photo series shows babies in the first hours after their birth - as they were positioned in the womb.

Baby tries to persuade stubborn bulldog to walk, fails

We don't know what he's saying, but this baby has a very clear message for his bulldog pal: let's walk - NOW.

The best toddler gift ever? Nine gender-neutral play kitchen picks

Without a doubt, one of the best gifts for a toddler turning two or three is a play kitchen.

9 easy steps to improve your baby photography

With a few simple tips you can take your images from random happy snaps to lovely clean images that create beautiful lasting memories.



What are your favourite baby products?

The Essential Baby Awards are on now, and we need your help! Have your say on your top picks and you'll go in the draw to win a share of $2500.

Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.