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Child not wanting to go to play date....
Help! Need advice quickly!

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#1 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 09 January 2013 - 11:29 AM

....do you make them go anyway?

DD has a play date with a friend from school but doesn't want to go as the last time they met up, the friend, along with another friend, excluded DD from playing with them and told her she was wearing an ugly dress. Previous to that time, DD and this friend have gotten along well.

The play date is today and DD is adamant she does not want to go. I think she should go and give the friend another chance, but I don't know if it's the right thing to force her to go. And what would I say to the Mum if I cancel (have already cancelled once, due to DD being sick).

What would you do?

Edited by Swahili, 09 January 2013 - 11:29 AM.

#2 Cath42

Posted 09 January 2013 - 11:40 AM

If only they weren't at school together, you could just knock the friendship on the head and tell your daughter she never had to play with this girl again. But given that your daughter will encounter this girl again at school this year, I think it might be best to let the play date go ahead. It's a hard one, isn't it? I guess at the back of your mind is, "What if this girl is mean again, and then my daughter has to go to school knowing this girl is going to be there?"

Does the mother of this other girl know about the previous incident? If she does, it might be worth calling her and explaining that (a) your daughter was quite badly affected by the incident and is expressing concerns about having another play date and (b) you're really concerned that this play date go well so that the problem is sorted out before school starts. That puts the onus on the other mother to supervise her daughter and make sure that her daughter understands that exclusion is not okay. If she doesn't know, she'd probably want to know. I'd certainly want to be told if my daughter was mean to another child like that.

*Edited to add: I do have some experience of this kind of situation, from the other side of the fence. My 8-year-old (A) and a girl in her class (B) were mean to a third girl in their class © last year at school. The three girls had always been such good friends prior to this incident. I didn't know anything about what had been happening at school until C's mother spoke to me at a swimming lesson and told me what had been happening. I was so upset that I cried, and I apologised profusely to C's mother. My daughter had never done anything like that before that I knew of (and has never done anything like it since). What I suggested to this mother that we do was that (a) I would speak to my daughter and tell her that her behaviour was completely unacceptable, (b) I would speak to the parents of B, who I know well, and tell them what had been happening and © my daughter would invite C over to play one on one and we would get the friendship back on track. The upshot was that I did what I said I would do, and everything was fine again. Unfortunately, the parents of B didn't think the bullying was a big deal and didn't do anything with B to address it. In fact, they thought the incidents were "funny". The end result has been that B has gone on to bully other children at school and is beginning to struggle socially. Very sad for B.

Edited by Cath42, 09 January 2013 - 11:53 AM.

#3 ~littlebirdy~

Posted 09 January 2013 - 11:42 AM

I think it depends on their age too. My 5 yr DD had a similar thing yesterday and didn't want to go at first (not as strongly as yours though) but we did go and she had a good time. Previous issues have been because of a 3rd friend in the mix which never works.

#4 SylviaPlath

Posted 09 January 2013 - 11:44 AM

I wouldn't make her go. I know that you can't cotton wool them forever, but as an adult, I wouldnt go to something knowing that I would be excluded. It would be like torture. So why would it be any different for a child. She made the decision, she owns it.

My suggestion would be to talk to the parent and tell them what DD told you. Any decent parent would be horrified and would have a good stern talk to their child about it and make sure that this behaviour stops. They can also keep an eye out. I would then tell DD what I have done and give her the option of choosing to go or not.

I wouldn't lie to the parent. The only way anything can be corrected, is if the person, or in this case, the parent of the person is aware of the situation.

#5 JapNFeral

Posted 09 January 2013 - 11:50 AM

Is the additional friend going to be there? Three never works IMO especiallty with girls.

Yes, I think that you should talk to the parent and then your DD should give child another chance.

Resiliance is a life skill needed by us all.

#6 fifi-trixibelle

Posted 09 January 2013 - 12:01 PM

Is there just going to your DD and the one other girl there this time?

#7 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 09 January 2013 - 12:02 PM

I wouldn't send her if the other girl is going to be there as well and I'd just tell the mum she doesn't want to go.

If the other friend isn't going to be there I'd try to encourage her to go but wouldn't force it.

#8 Holidayromp

Posted 09 January 2013 - 12:05 PM

Why force the issue?  It is meant to be fun for all concerned.  If she doesn't want to go don't.  Be up front and tell the other mum why and leave it at that.  If the Mum says that the girl won't be there then take it from there but follow your daughter's lead.  It is not much fun being on a playdate and feeling leftout and unwanted.

#9 Natttmumm

Posted 09 January 2013 - 12:13 PM

I wouldn't force her and I'd tell the mum she didn't seem herself and wasn't up for it today

#10 protart roflcoptor

Posted 09 January 2013 - 12:19 PM

As pps have said, I found that 3 girls playing together mostly ended in tears. The dynamic seemed to be 2 against 1, didn't matter which 2 or 1.

So if there are the 3 of them playing today it could very well happen again, but if it is a one on one playdate she will probably be ok.

#11 maurie

Posted 09 January 2013 - 12:31 PM

I wouldn't make her go.   I was in a similar situation last year and I mentioned the exclusion problem to the other parent (who was my best friend of 20 years).   She took offence, said her child would never do such a thing and my child should just suck it up and get over herself, that she shouldn't be so quiet when other kids are there and that her dd could have other friends over to play when we came.

We rarely see them now - sometimes I wish I'd just said I was ill and couldn't make it that day.

#12 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 09 January 2013 - 12:49 PM

It's just the two of them, and DD was wavering a bit, so I've dropped her off. I've told DD to let the friend's Mum know if she wants to be picked up early. The friend is usually lovely, so hopefully it was just a one off. I'll steer clear of play dates with just 3 in the future.

#13 Team Awesome

Posted 09 January 2013 - 03:45 PM

I'm reading little girls can be men at the moment as girl bullying is (mosty) emotional and exclusion/inclusion backwards and forwards behaviour I kept changing friends myself as part of the "just ignore it and find someone else to play with then" type mindset so I don't know how to empower and give my girls the tools to deal with it.

Unfortunately, in my experience at least, the mums who were instigators of the behaviors when they have children perpetuate and don't see it as a problem.

I'm not very far into it but hoping to get it finished before school goes back with two girls at school this year and strong non conformers at that I need all the ideas I can get hold of.

#14 mumandboys

Posted 09 January 2013 - 03:55 PM

I wouldn't make my child go on a playdate if they didn't want to.

I would probably be honest and say "X doesn't want to, for some reason".  Kids are often flaky - I wouldn't be offended if I got this response from another mum.

#15 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 09 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

She had a great time and wants to meet up with her friend for another play next week. I'm glad I trusted my gut instinct.

#16 Missy Shelby

Posted 09 January 2013 - 05:43 PM

QUOTE (Swahili @ 09/01/2013, 06:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
She had a great time and wants to meet up with her friend for another play next week. I'm glad I trusted my gut instinct.

Awesome result OP!  My DD1 has a friend that she never wants to go on play dates with but when we go she always ends up having a great time and I like her playing with this little girl as I think she is a great influence on my dd1.

By this I mean she is very confident socially and as my DD1 is quite anxious in social situations this little girls confidence seems to rub off onto my girl (for the play date anyway original.gif ).

#17 mumto4boys

Posted 09 January 2013 - 05:45 PM

QUOTE (Team Awesome @ 09/01/2013, 03:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm reading little girls can be men at the moment as girl bullying is (mosty) emotional and exclusion/inclusion backwards and forwards behaviour I kept changing friends myself as part of the "just ignore it and find someone else to play with then" type mindset so I don't know how to empower and give my girls the tools to deal with it.

Unfortunately, in my experience at least, the mums who were instigators of the behaviors when they have children perpetuate and don't see it as a problem.

I'm not very far into it but hoping to get it finished before school goes back with two girls at school this year and strong non conformers at that I need all the ideas I can get hold of.

Track down a copy of the book, Queen Bees and Wanna Bees, it is full of excellent advice for parents of girls.

OP- I was going to suggest staying for a coffee when you drop DD off, to get a bit of a feel for how things were starting out and picking up early, just in case. Glad to hear that it went well though. This is also a good lesson for kids. Sometimes we all face situations we are worried about and it can all end well.

Edited by mumto4boys, 09 January 2013 - 05:46 PM.

#18 vanessa71

Posted 09 January 2013 - 06:17 PM

I would definitely have made her go. DD has not wanted to go certain places before, however there are times when she just doesn't have the choice, she has always had a great time and has been thankful that she went.

Edited by vanessa71, 09 January 2013 - 06:17 PM.

#19 lucky 2

Posted 09 January 2013 - 06:26 PM

QUOTE (JAPN2 @ 09/01/2013, 12:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Is the additional friend going to be there? Three never works IMO especiallty with girls.

Yes, I think that you should talk to the parent and then your DD should give child another chance.

Resiliance is a life skill needed by us all.

I agree with this, that's what I'd do.
My dd has a "threesome" problem at school (it will likely continue into this year) and it can get pretty mucked up and emotional.
You could work out some strategies ie if there are any hurtful, rude or exlusive comments/behaviour, perhaps the 3 step rule like at some schools or going to see the mum.
I hope it works out well, kids can change their minds and feelings in an instance if they feel like it.
All the best.

#20 howdoyoudoit

Posted 09 January 2013 - 09:24 PM

glad you sent her..I would have as well.

I don't see how today generation will learn skills if their decision to not do something means that they get to do what they want. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like and sometimes kid's learn from this experience as your daughter did and had fun. Ofcourse there are situations I wouldn't let my child go to but that is from a safety point of view

#21 Aruneh

Posted 10 January 2013 - 06:12 AM

Glad she had a good time. original.gif

I want to know why girls do this ganging up thing though.
DD had just turned 3 when this (2 against 1) started happening and she was very upset. She meets the same set of girls at preschool so hopefully she is learning how to deal with it.

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