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How to tell friend's your pg when they've suffered losses and ttc?

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#1 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:41 PM

I'm just after some opinions from people who may have been through this themselves...

I have two friends who I work with but also socialise outside of work. We are not extremely close, but close enough to share some personal things.

Friend 1 and I were pregnant with our first at the same time which we bonded a lot over. Friend 1 had a miscarriage about a year ago but hasnt been able to fall pg again since and may not be able to have more children sad.gif

Friend 2's first child is roughly the same age as ours as well which we have bonded over, she has been ttc for about 18m but suffered 2 mc and has said they may stop trying due to her age and not being able to cope with any more losses sad.gif

I am 12 wks pg now and ready to tell people but I'm not sure the best way to go about it with these two friends. Although we ttc for 11 months, I can't imagine what they have gone through with mc's and possibly not being able to have more children. I desperately don't want to hurt them and I'm afraid of handling it the wrong way.

Should I tell them in person one to one or is that making it too big a deal? Should I send them a private email or facebook message or is that too impersonal? WWYD?

Just to add, my most common communication with both friends is emails at work or facebook.

Any advice is very appreciated.

Edited by JBaby, 08 January 2013 - 02:47 PM.

#2 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

Personally, I would choose email. But send it to her at home, not at work. Just be brief and sensitive. The benefit of not doing it in person is that your friends get time to process the news without having to give a reaction then and there.

When I was TTC (3 years with the first), I would go home and have a good cry when I found out a friend was pregnant. I'd be happy for them but sad for me. I'd get that out of my system, and then when I saw them again I'd be ready to put on a brave face and be excited for them.

The second best way is to tell them over the phone or in person, with just the two of you.

The worst way, is in a big group of people. But it sounds like you're a kind, sensitive friend. And I think your friends will appreciate that.

#3 AmberNut

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:57 PM

I second email sent to home. Its hard over the phone and in person. I have been genuinely happy for people but not able to express it at the time so ended up embarrassed as well as hurt and all the other feelings....
On behalf of your friends... thank you for being so thoughtful.

#4 it'stime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:20 PM

Don't send an email. Id send a nice card acknowledging their journey and breaking he news.

I say this as someone who may nit be able to have children.

#5 AllyK81

Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:21 PM

I have a good friend who has just come to the end of an unsuccessful 12 year journey to conceive.

You are so kind to think of these girls. I have watched my friend over the years as people at work get pregnant and have babies and it has been so hard for her. I have only had one loss, but I understand the mixed up happiness and jealously of an announcement.

It depends on the closeness of your friendship. With my friend, I will tell her personally and say something like 'I know this will be hard for you, but I also know you will be happy for me'. We have talked about loss together, so the dynamics of our friendship would mean face to face would be best.

If you feel that a face to face discussion might be too difficult for them, then e-mail would be fine, too.

If you can avoid it, try not to tell them in a group situation. That is the most hurtful as it will give them no time to process the information privately.


#6 Mose

Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:25 PM

Sounds like e-mail is the go, and is consistent with how you normally communicate.  

To me (over 4 years TTC), the things that made it easiest for me were finding out somewhere private (ideally via e-mail at home) and if in person, somewhere with an escape route.  My worst possible experience was when a couple took us out for lunch in their car and we couldn't get away even for a moment to collect our thoughts!  Not that we weren't happy for them, just that we needed a bit of space to manage our own emotions about our situation as well.

The other thing is ideally to be sensitive, but not overwhelmingly so.  Remember, as much as you care for them, the response this person WANTS to have is "happy for you, but sad for me".  If when you tell them you spend too much time dwelling on their situation rather than explaining yours, it makes it more likely to just turn into "sad for me", and then also maybe "feeling bad that my situation is detracting from my friend's happiness".  A simple acknowledgement of their situation is enough.  For example

I understand this news may have been difficult for you to hear.

Doesn't need to be any longer or more complex than that.  Is just an acknowledgement that they have feelings too, and that you understand your news might affect them.

As with PPs, you are a lovely, kind friend to even think of this.  And 11 months is quite a while to wait, so I do think you have some understanding of what they are going through - and are very gracious to realise you don't understand ALL of what they are going through.

Aforementioned couple of the disastrous pregnancy announcement, at the same lunch informed us they had been trying for 12 months so they "deserved it"!!  As far as I can tell he was trying to tell us he knew everything about what we were going through.  But he's just that sort of person.  Now we are TTC#2, and  after 2 failed IVF cycles, he gave me a lecture on how I shouldn't wait too long to try again because I'm getting old!!  Unfortunately we are closely related to this person.  if he was just a friend I think we would ditch him!

I think you are lovely for realising that you don't know exactly what your friends are feeling, nor how they will respond to your news.  They are lucky to have you.

#7 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:12 PM

Thanks for all the replies ladies, they're very helpful.

I think I’m going to go with an email to their homes. Any suggestions on wording?

I'm thinking keep it short and brief, maybe something like  “I know this may be sensitive for you, but just wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant. I’ll be letting people in the office know on Wednesday”. WDYT?

Edited by JBaby, 11 January 2013 - 01:12 PM.

#8 Especially*K*

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:19 PM

When i fell pregnant by suprise one of my initial thoughts went straight to a friend/co-worker. She had been TTC for years and years with a number of miscarriages. She FINALLY fell pregnant after tens of thousand of dollars spent on IVF. I literally BALLED my eyes out seeing her baby for the first time

I felt so guilty just being all 'oopsydaisy, im pregnant' after seeing her struggle.

I chose to tell her face to face and to tell her alone away from others. Not to make it a big deal because i didnt even go into detail about how i felt bad, just so it was personal. I think just by doing that she could tell in my eyes what i was feeling. I wouldnt do it any other way!!

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