Jump to content

How to tell friend's your pg when they've suffered losses and ttc?


  • Please log in to reply
7 replies to this topic

#1 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:41 PM

I'm just after some opinions from people who may have been through this themselves...

I have two friends who I work with but also socialise outside of work. We are not extremely close, but close enough to share some personal things.

Friend 1 and I were pregnant with our first at the same time which we bonded a lot over. Friend 1 had a miscarriage about a year ago but hasnt been able to fall pg again since and may not be able to have more children sad.gif

Friend 2's first child is roughly the same age as ours as well which we have bonded over, she has been ttc for about 18m but suffered 2 mc and has said they may stop trying due to her age and not being able to cope with any more losses sad.gif

I am 12 wks pg now and ready to tell people but I'm not sure the best way to go about it with these two friends. Although we ttc for 11 months, I can't imagine what they have gone through with mc's and possibly not being able to have more children. I desperately don't want to hurt them and I'm afraid of handling it the wrong way.

Should I tell them in person one to one or is that making it too big a deal? Should I send them a private email or facebook message or is that too impersonal? WWYD?

Just to add, my most common communication with both friends is emails at work or facebook.

Any advice is very appreciated.

Edited by JBaby, 08 January 2013 - 02:47 PM.


#2 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:53 PM

Personally, I would choose email. But send it to her at home, not at work. Just be brief and sensitive. The benefit of not doing it in person is that your friends get time to process the news without having to give a reaction then and there.

When I was TTC (3 years with the first), I would go home and have a good cry when I found out a friend was pregnant. I'd be happy for them but sad for me. I'd get that out of my system, and then when I saw them again I'd be ready to put on a brave face and be excited for them.

The second best way is to tell them over the phone or in person, with just the two of you.

The worst way, is in a big group of people. But it sounds like you're a kind, sensitive friend. And I think your friends will appreciate that.

#3 AmberNut

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:57 PM

I second email sent to home. Its hard over the phone and in person. I have been genuinely happy for people but not able to express it at the time so ended up embarrassed as well as hurt and all the other feelings....
On behalf of your friends... thank you for being so thoughtful.

#4 it'stime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:20 PM

Don't send an email. Id send a nice card acknowledging their journey and breaking he news.

I say this as someone who may nit be able to have children.

#5 AllyK81

Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:21 PM

I have a good friend who has just come to the end of an unsuccessful 12 year journey to conceive.

You are so kind to think of these girls. I have watched my friend over the years as people at work get pregnant and have babies and it has been so hard for her. I have only had one loss, but I understand the mixed up happiness and jealously of an announcement.

It depends on the closeness of your friendship. With my friend, I will tell her personally and say something like 'I know this will be hard for you, but I also know you will be happy for me'. We have talked about loss together, so the dynamics of our friendship would mean face to face would be best.

If you feel that a face to face discussion might be too difficult for them, then e-mail would be fine, too.

If you can avoid it, try not to tell them in a group situation. That is the most hurtful as it will give them no time to process the information privately.

HTH

#6 Mose

Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:25 PM

Sounds like e-mail is the go, and is consistent with how you normally communicate.  

To me (over 4 years TTC), the things that made it easiest for me were finding out somewhere private (ideally via e-mail at home) and if in person, somewhere with an escape route.  My worst possible experience was when a couple took us out for lunch in their car and we couldn't get away even for a moment to collect our thoughts!  Not that we weren't happy for them, just that we needed a bit of space to manage our own emotions about our situation as well.

The other thing is ideally to be sensitive, but not overwhelmingly so.  Remember, as much as you care for them, the response this person WANTS to have is "happy for you, but sad for me".  If when you tell them you spend too much time dwelling on their situation rather than explaining yours, it makes it more likely to just turn into "sad for me", and then also maybe "feeling bad that my situation is detracting from my friend's happiness".  A simple acknowledgement of their situation is enough.  For example

I understand this news may have been difficult for you to hear.

Doesn't need to be any longer or more complex than that.  Is just an acknowledgement that they have feelings too, and that you understand your news might affect them.

As with PPs, you are a lovely, kind friend to even think of this.  And 11 months is quite a while to wait, so I do think you have some understanding of what they are going through - and are very gracious to realise you don't understand ALL of what they are going through.

Aforementioned couple of the disastrous pregnancy announcement, at the same lunch informed us they had been trying for 12 months so they "deserved it"!!  As far as I can tell he was trying to tell us he knew everything about what we were going through.  But he's just that sort of person.  Now we are TTC#2, and  after 2 failed IVF cycles, he gave me a lecture on how I shouldn't wait too long to try again because I'm getting old!!  Unfortunately we are closely related to this person.  if he was just a friend I think we would ditch him!

I think you are lovely for realising that you don't know exactly what your friends are feeling, nor how they will respond to your news.  They are lucky to have you.

#7 MsFeralPerthFembo

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:12 PM

Thanks for all the replies ladies, they're very helpful.

I think I’m going to go with an email to their homes. Any suggestions on wording?

I'm thinking keep it short and brief, maybe something like  “I know this may be sensitive for you, but just wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant. I’ll be letting people in the office know on Wednesday”. WDYT?

Edited by JBaby, 11 January 2013 - 01:12 PM.


#8 Especially*K*

Posted 11 January 2013 - 01:19 PM

When i fell pregnant by suprise one of my initial thoughts went straight to a friend/co-worker. She had been TTC for years and years with a number of miscarriages. She FINALLY fell pregnant after tens of thousand of dollars spent on IVF. I literally BALLED my eyes out seeing her baby for the first time

I felt so guilty just being all 'oopsydaisy, im pregnant' after seeing her struggle.

I chose to tell her face to face and to tell her alone away from others. Not to make it a big deal because i didnt even go into detail about how i felt bad, just so it was personal. I think just by doing that she could tell in my eyes what i was feeling. I wouldnt do it any other way!!




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win a copy of 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

To celebrate the launch of EB member and contributor Julia's Watson's first book, we have five copies of Breakfast, School Run, Chemo give away.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGO DUPLO Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.