Jump to content

I cut off my mother
and I'm so glad I did


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 12:54 PM

So, without boring you all too much, and trying not to be too rambly.

My mother has a long history of being a terrible parent, she's negative, jealous and nasty for the sake of it. I was kicked out of home at 15 and after a few years our relationship got better, mostly because I just used to try and be nuetral if she got into a crazy rant about something, we live in different states, so the fact I don't have to see her much helps.

But today I have had enough, she was abusing me (over text message, because she's very mature) over a $400 gift my Dad got my sister for her 21st. This is the sort of thing she does. Every time something really exciting happens for me (getting married, buying a house, graduating from uni, my birthdays etc etc) she always does something totally outrageously nasty just for the sake of it. So I'm just about to start a new job and have been on an extended overseas holiday with Dad, I knew something like this was coming.

I know she is deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with her life, but she blames everyone for her problems (actually mostly she blames all of her life problems on the fact my Dad owes her $15 k in child support - this money would have changed her life apparently). I just can't deal with it anymore, it's so much negative energy and I'm sick of her ruining the events I should be happy about!

So while I am currently relieved to have made the decision to end contact with her, my friends are telling me in a couple of months it will all be over and I'll be back in contact with her. I know she won't change, so when she breezes back in after a few months and wants everything to go back to normal, how do I stop myself being sucked back into this crazy drama filled life she lives in?

any and all advice or experiences much appreciated.

#2 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:05 PM

Have you told her that you're cutting off contact with her?

Would she be receptive if you - calmly and rationally - told her how it makes you feel when she is negative and nasty (keeping it relative to you and your relationship with her)?

Does she feel left out that you seem to have a better relationship with your dad than with her?

I know I don't know all the details, but I can see how a mother would be resentful if her ex husband and her daughter just went on an extended holiday overseas - while he still owed her 15k.

#3 Drowninginferal

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:15 PM

I'm sorry you feel like you are left with no option other than to cut her off but I'm have to agree that seeing my daughter and ex have a long holiday and my other daughter get a $400 birthday present from a man who owed me $15k would upset me too.

Why didn't he pay her child support?

#4 yummymummycakes

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:15 PM

I cut off my mother a number of years ago - best thing I ever did, for me at least.

She was totally toxic - unsupportive to no end.

Even when i was diagnosed with cancer, she was useless, I would be vomiting for days and she would ring to whinge about a fight she had with a neighbour and then when I said I couldnt discuss it I was ungrateful.

As far as I am concernd if a relationship causes more tears of pain then joy - its not worth it.


#5 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:16 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 08/01/2013, 02:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Have you told her that you're cutting off contact with her?

Would she be receptive if you - calmly and rationally - told her how it makes you feel when she is negative and nasty (keeping it relative to you and your relationship with her)?

Does she feel left out that you seem to have a better relationship with your dad than with her?

I know I don't know all the details, but I can see how a mother would be resentful if her ex husband and her daughter just went on an extended holiday overseas - while he still owed her 15k.


I have tried telling her about how her constant negativity makes me feel, and that I don't like personal attacks, and that I really just want to celebrate this one event without negativity etc, she just doesn't understand. I think she's too caught up in her own negativity to focus on how her actions really hurt other people.

I know she does feel left out, but she spent the whole of my childhood denying him access visits, changing our phone number so he couldn't contact us and putting him down to me.

I appreciate the point about how she would feel about the holiday, I have considered it. I actually paid for Dad's holiday with me, it was a present to myself for graduating.
I have offerred to pay for her flights etc to visit me interstate for years and she won't accept, I lived a 20 minute drive away from her for 4 years and she didn't once take that journey, she can't be upset at Dad for taking me up on an offer she wouldn't want for herself.

She doesn't work, so I have often paid for emergency vet bills, house repairs and a new car for her. I do it without wanting anything other than to make her life comfortable, but it's not like I have spent more on Dad than her either for her to be resentful about.

Edited by Apageintime, 08 January 2013 - 01:20 PM.


#6 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:20 PM

QUOTE (thestylemanual @ 08/01/2013, 02:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Why didn't he pay her child support?



They had an ongoing dispute over access visits. Mum denied him access, he denied her child support basically. It was petty from both of them, which Dad has now acknowledged. He is currently paying the debt off.

Its not the cause of all of her problems though, she doesn't work, and never has. She refuses to attend her newstart meetings because they 'patronise' her. She occasionally will get a job she feels is befitting of her status, but finds a reason to quit in 2 weeks.

#7 Drowninginferal

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:24 PM

QUOTE (Apageintime @ 08/01/2013, 02:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
They had an ongoing dispute over access visits. Mum denied him access, he denied her child support basically. It was petty from both of them, which Dad has now acknowledged. He is currently paying the debt off.

Its not the cause of all of her problems though, she doesn't work, and never has. She refuses to attend her newstart meetings because they 'patronise' her. She occasionally will get a job she feels is befitting of her status, but finds a reason to quit in 2 weeks.


Ah, I see. That makes more sense.

How frustrating that she won't work and then calls on you to pay for things for her. It is really quite childish.

#8 bambiigrrl

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:26 PM

change your phone number and get her out of your life. I have always subscribed to the idea that just because someone is family doesnt mean you have to put up with them. You should not have someone toxic in your life just cause you share genetic material. screw that. She sounds like my aunty and my aunty has 7 kids, 5 of which avoid her like the plague.

And its her own fault. your doing the right thing. be strong!


Edited by bambiigrrl, 08 January 2013 - 01:31 PM.


#9 my2earthangels

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:41 PM

I too have a toxic mother! Haven't seen her for a few years and no plans anytime soon! Times like Christmas I wish we were like family again, but then I remember how she treated me and all the lies she spun over the years. She too blamed my dad for many of her own problems, and constantly told me I was not wanted.

She also didn't allow my dad to see me, nor put his name on my birth certificate. Yet when it suited her she would demand money from my dad.

Best thing I ever did was cut ties with her! :-)

#10 HRH Countrymel

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:44 PM

My BIL has very, very little to do with he and DPs Mum.

This Christmas I was 'lucky' enough to spend 10 days with all of them, together.  It was by all accounts 'the best they had ever got on' !(DP couldn't stop thanking me for all of my soothing and distraction techniques which apparently 'made all the difference')

It was horrid.  

They were so nasty to each other. Not my idea of family at all.  

And yes, here too, the bitterness seems to stem from the split between DP's Father and she and his brother's subsequent 'betrayal' by going to live with his father..  

Now we are talking about a 45 year old man, who left home to live with his Dad at 16! A man who has since died I might add, yet that hasn't seemed to slow her constant snide remarks.

He too 'didn't pay maintenance' but that stemmed from AFTER BIL had left home and MIL had chosen to punish her ex by changing DP's surname to that of his stepdad, refusing to let him visit him anymore and by pretending (as she still does to this day) that DPs step dad was his biological father.

So in one fell swoop destroying not only DPs relationship with his father but that with his brother as well.

Such a horrid toxic situation.

What BIL does is simply not respond to their mother, if he contacts her HE contacts her, he moved early last year and chose to not give her his new number, nor his address, if he suspects that DP is doing a 'fishing trip' for information for their Mum he simply hangs up on him - quite calmly - but with a "If you are doing Mum's bidding here bro' I can't talk to you anymore".

Her emails are deleted unopened.

I used to think he was cruel - but having seen them both in action I see now that (for all his faults - and they ARE MANY) he is simply in self preservation mode.

I wish you strength OP.

#11 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE (kymberley @ 08/01/2013, 02:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Times like Christmas I wish we were like family again.


Tomorrow is my birthday - and I think I'll be a bit sad about the whole thing then. I think the 'big events' will be the toughest to try and keep my distance.

#12 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:41 PM

Thanks for explaining - makes sense now.

It's awful that you got stuck in the middle of your parents' animosity, but it's great that you've been able to have a relationship with your Dad. It sounds like she's completely unable to move on and is entirely self-absorbed.

I'm definitely not a counsellor, but I think you're right to tell her:

a) how she makes you feel (again, keeping it about you and her. don't let her make it about your dad or anyone else)

b) that you don't want contact from her given the effect that it has on you

You may be able to leave the door open slightly by telling her that you would only be willing to resume contact if she's willing to accept her responsibility for her own life.

There's a branch of cognitive behaviour therapy called 'reality therapy'. Boiled down, it encourages people to look beyond their past and focus on the here and now. And work on what they can do to make their lives better. So, in other words, accepting that only you can determine your own happiness etc.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reality_therapy

Sounds like your mum could use a dose! But of course, she'd have to be willing to change in order to benefit from seeing a psychologist.




2 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 2 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Funny Father's Day cards

A little fun never goes astray when celebrating special occasions and Father's Day is no different. We've rounded up some funny Father's day cards for your husbands, fathers and other important men in your lives.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Baby and bulldog born on the same day are best friends

When Chicago mum Ivette Ivens saw a French bulldog puppy who had the same birthdate as her son Dilan, she "just knew it?s meant to be" and took him home. Five months later, puppy Farley and Dilan are the best of friends - as Ivens says, "I?m pretty sure Dilan thinks they?re both the same species, as they walk at the same level and are both going through the stage of chewing on everything.?

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGOŽ DUPLOŽ Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.