Jump to content

I cut off my mother
and I'm so glad I did

  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 12:54 PM

So, without boring you all too much, and trying not to be too rambly.

My mother has a long history of being a terrible parent, she's negative, jealous and nasty for the sake of it. I was kicked out of home at 15 and after a few years our relationship got better, mostly because I just used to try and be nuetral if she got into a crazy rant about something, we live in different states, so the fact I don't have to see her much helps.

But today I have had enough, she was abusing me (over text message, because she's very mature) over a $400 gift my Dad got my sister for her 21st. This is the sort of thing she does. Every time something really exciting happens for me (getting married, buying a house, graduating from uni, my birthdays etc etc) she always does something totally outrageously nasty just for the sake of it. So I'm just about to start a new job and have been on an extended overseas holiday with Dad, I knew something like this was coming.

I know she is deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with her life, but she blames everyone for her problems (actually mostly she blames all of her life problems on the fact my Dad owes her $15 k in child support - this money would have changed her life apparently). I just can't deal with it anymore, it's so much negative energy and I'm sick of her ruining the events I should be happy about!

So while I am currently relieved to have made the decision to end contact with her, my friends are telling me in a couple of months it will all be over and I'll be back in contact with her. I know she won't change, so when she breezes back in after a few months and wants everything to go back to normal, how do I stop myself being sucked back into this crazy drama filled life she lives in?

any and all advice or experiences much appreciated.

#2 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:05 PM

Have you told her that you're cutting off contact with her?

Would she be receptive if you - calmly and rationally - told her how it makes you feel when she is negative and nasty (keeping it relative to you and your relationship with her)?

Does she feel left out that you seem to have a better relationship with your dad than with her?

I know I don't know all the details, but I can see how a mother would be resentful if her ex husband and her daughter just went on an extended holiday overseas - while he still owed her 15k.

#3 Drowninginferal

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:15 PM

I'm sorry you feel like you are left with no option other than to cut her off but I'm have to agree that seeing my daughter and ex have a long holiday and my other daughter get a $400 birthday present from a man who owed me $15k would upset me too.

Why didn't he pay her child support?

#4 yummymummycakes

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:15 PM

I cut off my mother a number of years ago - best thing I ever did, for me at least.

She was totally toxic - unsupportive to no end.

Even when i was diagnosed with cancer, she was useless, I would be vomiting for days and she would ring to whinge about a fight she had with a neighbour and then when I said I couldnt discuss it I was ungrateful.

As far as I am concernd if a relationship causes more tears of pain then joy - its not worth it.

#5 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:16 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 08/01/2013, 02:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Have you told her that you're cutting off contact with her?

Would she be receptive if you - calmly and rationally - told her how it makes you feel when she is negative and nasty (keeping it relative to you and your relationship with her)?

Does she feel left out that you seem to have a better relationship with your dad than with her?

I know I don't know all the details, but I can see how a mother would be resentful if her ex husband and her daughter just went on an extended holiday overseas - while he still owed her 15k.

I have tried telling her about how her constant negativity makes me feel, and that I don't like personal attacks, and that I really just want to celebrate this one event without negativity etc, she just doesn't understand. I think she's too caught up in her own negativity to focus on how her actions really hurt other people.

I know she does feel left out, but she spent the whole of my childhood denying him access visits, changing our phone number so he couldn't contact us and putting him down to me.

I appreciate the point about how she would feel about the holiday, I have considered it. I actually paid for Dad's holiday with me, it was a present to myself for graduating.
I have offerred to pay for her flights etc to visit me interstate for years and she won't accept, I lived a 20 minute drive away from her for 4 years and she didn't once take that journey, she can't be upset at Dad for taking me up on an offer she wouldn't want for herself.

She doesn't work, so I have often paid for emergency vet bills, house repairs and a new car for her. I do it without wanting anything other than to make her life comfortable, but it's not like I have spent more on Dad than her either for her to be resentful about.

Edited by Apageintime, 08 January 2013 - 01:20 PM.

#6 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:20 PM

QUOTE (thestylemanual @ 08/01/2013, 02:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Why didn't he pay her child support?

They had an ongoing dispute over access visits. Mum denied him access, he denied her child support basically. It was petty from both of them, which Dad has now acknowledged. He is currently paying the debt off.

Its not the cause of all of her problems though, she doesn't work, and never has. She refuses to attend her newstart meetings because they 'patronise' her. She occasionally will get a job she feels is befitting of her status, but finds a reason to quit in 2 weeks.

#7 Drowninginferal

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:24 PM

QUOTE (Apageintime @ 08/01/2013, 02:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
They had an ongoing dispute over access visits. Mum denied him access, he denied her child support basically. It was petty from both of them, which Dad has now acknowledged. He is currently paying the debt off.

Its not the cause of all of her problems though, she doesn't work, and never has. She refuses to attend her newstart meetings because they 'patronise' her. She occasionally will get a job she feels is befitting of her status, but finds a reason to quit in 2 weeks.

Ah, I see. That makes more sense.

How frustrating that she won't work and then calls on you to pay for things for her. It is really quite childish.

#8 bambiigrrl

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:26 PM

change your phone number and get her out of your life. I have always subscribed to the idea that just because someone is family doesnt mean you have to put up with them. You should not have someone toxic in your life just cause you share genetic material. screw that. She sounds like my aunty and my aunty has 7 kids, 5 of which avoid her like the plague.

And its her own fault. your doing the right thing. be strong!

Edited by bambiigrrl, 08 January 2013 - 01:31 PM.

#9 my2earthangels

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:41 PM

I too have a toxic mother! Haven't seen her for a few years and no plans anytime soon! Times like Christmas I wish we were like family again, but then I remember how she treated me and all the lies she spun over the years. She too blamed my dad for many of her own problems, and constantly told me I was not wanted.

She also didn't allow my dad to see me, nor put his name on my birth certificate. Yet when it suited her she would demand money from my dad.

Best thing I ever did was cut ties with her! :-)

#10 HRH Countrymel

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:44 PM

My BIL has very, very little to do with he and DPs Mum.

This Christmas I was 'lucky' enough to spend 10 days with all of them, together.  It was by all accounts 'the best they had ever got on' !(DP couldn't stop thanking me for all of my soothing and distraction techniques which apparently 'made all the difference')

It was horrid.  

They were so nasty to each other. Not my idea of family at all.  

And yes, here too, the bitterness seems to stem from the split between DP's Father and she and his brother's subsequent 'betrayal' by going to live with his father..  

Now we are talking about a 45 year old man, who left home to live with his Dad at 16! A man who has since died I might add, yet that hasn't seemed to slow her constant snide remarks.

He too 'didn't pay maintenance' but that stemmed from AFTER BIL had left home and MIL had chosen to punish her ex by changing DP's surname to that of his stepdad, refusing to let him visit him anymore and by pretending (as she still does to this day) that DPs step dad was his biological father.

So in one fell swoop destroying not only DPs relationship with his father but that with his brother as well.

Such a horrid toxic situation.

What BIL does is simply not respond to their mother, if he contacts her HE contacts her, he moved early last year and chose to not give her his new number, nor his address, if he suspects that DP is doing a 'fishing trip' for information for their Mum he simply hangs up on him - quite calmly - but with a "If you are doing Mum's bidding here bro' I can't talk to you anymore".

Her emails are deleted unopened.

I used to think he was cruel - but having seen them both in action I see now that (for all his faults - and they ARE MANY) he is simply in self preservation mode.

I wish you strength OP.

#11 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE (kymberley @ 08/01/2013, 02:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Times like Christmas I wish we were like family again.

Tomorrow is my birthday - and I think I'll be a bit sad about the whole thing then. I think the 'big events' will be the toughest to try and keep my distance.

#12 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:41 PM

Thanks for explaining - makes sense now.

It's awful that you got stuck in the middle of your parents' animosity, but it's great that you've been able to have a relationship with your Dad. It sounds like she's completely unable to move on and is entirely self-absorbed.

I'm definitely not a counsellor, but I think you're right to tell her:

a) how she makes you feel (again, keeping it about you and her. don't let her make it about your dad or anyone else)

b) that you don't want contact from her given the effect that it has on you

You may be able to leave the door open slightly by telling her that you would only be willing to resume contact if she's willing to accept her responsibility for her own life.

There's a branch of cognitive behaviour therapy called 'reality therapy'. Boiled down, it encourages people to look beyond their past and focus on the here and now. And work on what they can do to make their lives better. So, in other words, accepting that only you can determine your own happiness etc.


Sounds like your mum could use a dose! But of course, she'd have to be willing to change in order to benefit from seeing a psychologist.

2 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 2 guests, 0 anonymous users


How to talk about your pregnancy at work

The workplace isn't always a friendly place for pregnant women. Yet working women inclined to conceal a pregnancy from prying coworkers may be better off opening up and carrying on, according to a new study.

Tell us your story to win!

To celebrate Mother's Day this year we are giving you the chance to win one of five great prizes simply by telling us your story.

Where to get help to help your baby sleep

There is so much pressure about having a baby who sleeps 'all night' , it's no wonder you worry about your baby if she wakes in the night.

Vintage baby names having a comeback

What makes some names have comebacks while others silently fade into oblivion? A few factors come into play.

When your partner doesn't want you to breastfeed

Dads can have many reasons for not wanting their partners to breastfeed their baby, but both parents should learn more about it before making a final decision.

Model mum Sarah Stage shares post-baby selfie

Most new mums would recoil at the thought, but Sarah Stage has shared a post-pregnancy selfie just four days after giving birth.

I'll admit it: I have last child parenting fatigue

If you're a new mum and feeling ignored by the older mum/the old hand/the has-been, please know, it's not you, it's me. Blame the last child parenting fatigue.

Exhaustion is not the same as tiredness

Having a new baby isn't tiring - it can be downright exhausting.

Five posterior babies, four home births

I was on a high. I'd done it all by myself with no help from anyone.

Mum's list of birthday gift demands goes viral

We're big fans of kids' birthday parties - but this is one bash we're glad we didn't get an invite to.

Kate Middleton to receive 'loyalty discount' for second birth

Everybody loves a bargain - including the Duchess of Cambridge.

Fish & chip shop owner's sad note goes viral

A lengthy note put on the window of a fish & chip shop has gone viral due to the writer's serious doubts about the romance of travel.

Pregnant women need good nutrition advice, not judgment

Pregnant women are under pressure to do all the "right things" to have a healthy child. It results in women feeling judged about their decisions.

When your child wants you to have another baby

Giving your child a sibling when you don't want to have another baby can be a complex issue.

William Tyrrell's mum speaks out: 'We hope he is still alive'

The mother of missing toddler William Tyrrell says she has a vision that somebody "picked him up and moved him on ... that's the only way ... to explain for him not to be there".

Family comes first for 23-year-old Tommy Connolly

Most 23-year-old blokes spend their hard earned cash on fun times with mates or romantic dinners with their girlfriend, but not Tommy Connolly.

Newborn all-girl quintuplets 'doing great'

The first all-female quintuplets born in the United States were delivered last week, at 28 weeks and two days.

Model mum's big baby silences critics

He may be less than a week old, but baby James Hunter has already helped his model mum silence her critics.

Jammy, Hula Hoop, Rage: Reddit reveals most unusual baby names

A recent Reddit thread has revealed some of the more creative names in the world.

Woman awakens from coma, learns she gave birth

A US woman awakened this week from a four-month-long coma that doctors had feared would be permanent and learned that she had given birth to a baby boy, according to her family.

'Give us a break': mum sent shocking letter over Facebook baby pics

Posting a lot of baby photos doesn't make you a bad person. It may make your Facebook feed a little irritating, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

In defense of the dads who do so much

It's time to shift the focus off what dads aren’t doing and shine it on what they are.

The modern cloth nappies too cute to cover up

If you're only just joining the modern cloth nappy movement, or would like to spruce up your collection, we have to introduce you to Designer Bums.

How breastfeeding can affect your libido

When you’ve just had a baby, having sex isn’t usually top priority. In fact, for a lot of women it rates about as appealing as changing another dirty nappy.

Should pregnant women be allowed to use 'parent and child' car parking spots?

Is it acceptable to use these car parking spots when pregnant? How many of us would admit to doing it?

Healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man died

Fertility doctors have described their "most extraordinary case" - creating a healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man had died.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.


What's hot on EB

Last chance to win a year's supply of toys

You have less than a week left to win your child one of five Fisher-Price toy packs valued at over $600 each - hurry, enter today!

Childcare is a big problem, but there's more to it

Let’s keep talking about these issues and not allow them to be put into a neat little box that’s labelled ‘Fix childcare and everything is solved’.

Pink's awesome response to body-shaming trolls

When trolls felt the need to comment on 35-year-old singer-songwriter Pink's weight, her answer was an awesome ode to body love.

Fertility clinic offers egg donors $5000

A national chain of fertility clinics is offering egg donors a $5000 payment to cover their expenses, a first for Australia which is raising concerns the money could act as an inducement.

Baby boy abandoned in India amid fresh surrogacy concerns

Australian officials could do nothing to stop an Australian couple from abandoning their baby son, born through surrogacy in India, after they decided they did not want to bring him to Australia.

Herd immunity and community responsibility: how free-riders can make kids suffer

Individual choice works for haircuts and handbags, but not for preventing infectious diseases that kill kids.

Photographer captures 'unexpected beauty' of birth

If there is one thing Leilani Rogers knows about childbirth, it is that no two deliveries are ever the same.

Expectations vs the reality of making a toddler's clothes

Note to self: less sewing, more life. Not the party dress, but the party. The toddler, as usual, has it all figured out.

Mum meets 'dead' daughter 49 years after birth

In 1965, Zella Jackson-Price was told her premature baby girl had died shortly after birth.

How pregnancy probiotics can help you and your baby

New research suggests that taking specific pregnancy probiotics could be the answer to a range of common pregnancy side effects.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.



Win a year's worth of toys

Last week to submit a picture of your baby at play for your chance to win. Visit the Play Wall to view our recent entries.

Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.