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I cut off my mother
and I'm so glad I did


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#1 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 12:54 PM

So, without boring you all too much, and trying not to be too rambly.

My mother has a long history of being a terrible parent, she's negative, jealous and nasty for the sake of it. I was kicked out of home at 15 and after a few years our relationship got better, mostly because I just used to try and be nuetral if she got into a crazy rant about something, we live in different states, so the fact I don't have to see her much helps.

But today I have had enough, she was abusing me (over text message, because she's very mature) over a $400 gift my Dad got my sister for her 21st. This is the sort of thing she does. Every time something really exciting happens for me (getting married, buying a house, graduating from uni, my birthdays etc etc) she always does something totally outrageously nasty just for the sake of it. So I'm just about to start a new job and have been on an extended overseas holiday with Dad, I knew something like this was coming.

I know she is deeply unhappy and unsatisfied with her life, but she blames everyone for her problems (actually mostly she blames all of her life problems on the fact my Dad owes her $15 k in child support - this money would have changed her life apparently). I just can't deal with it anymore, it's so much negative energy and I'm sick of her ruining the events I should be happy about!

So while I am currently relieved to have made the decision to end contact with her, my friends are telling me in a couple of months it will all be over and I'll be back in contact with her. I know she won't change, so when she breezes back in after a few months and wants everything to go back to normal, how do I stop myself being sucked back into this crazy drama filled life she lives in?

any and all advice or experiences much appreciated.

#2 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:05 PM

Have you told her that you're cutting off contact with her?

Would she be receptive if you - calmly and rationally - told her how it makes you feel when she is negative and nasty (keeping it relative to you and your relationship with her)?

Does she feel left out that you seem to have a better relationship with your dad than with her?

I know I don't know all the details, but I can see how a mother would be resentful if her ex husband and her daughter just went on an extended holiday overseas - while he still owed her 15k.

#3 shutterspeed

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:15 PM

I'm sorry you feel like you are left with no option other than to cut her off but I'm have to agree that seeing my daughter and ex have a long holiday and my other daughter get a $400 birthday present from a man who owed me $15k would upset me too.

Why didn't he pay her child support?

#4 yummymummycakes

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:15 PM

I cut off my mother a number of years ago - best thing I ever did, for me at least.

She was totally toxic - unsupportive to no end.

Even when i was diagnosed with cancer, she was useless, I would be vomiting for days and she would ring to whinge about a fight she had with a neighbour and then when I said I couldnt discuss it I was ungrateful.

As far as I am concernd if a relationship causes more tears of pain then joy - its not worth it.


#5 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:16 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 08/01/2013, 02:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Have you told her that you're cutting off contact with her?

Would she be receptive if you - calmly and rationally - told her how it makes you feel when she is negative and nasty (keeping it relative to you and your relationship with her)?

Does she feel left out that you seem to have a better relationship with your dad than with her?

I know I don't know all the details, but I can see how a mother would be resentful if her ex husband and her daughter just went on an extended holiday overseas - while he still owed her 15k.


I have tried telling her about how her constant negativity makes me feel, and that I don't like personal attacks, and that I really just want to celebrate this one event without negativity etc, she just doesn't understand. I think she's too caught up in her own negativity to focus on how her actions really hurt other people.

I know she does feel left out, but she spent the whole of my childhood denying him access visits, changing our phone number so he couldn't contact us and putting him down to me.

I appreciate the point about how she would feel about the holiday, I have considered it. I actually paid for Dad's holiday with me, it was a present to myself for graduating.
I have offerred to pay for her flights etc to visit me interstate for years and she won't accept, I lived a 20 minute drive away from her for 4 years and she didn't once take that journey, she can't be upset at Dad for taking me up on an offer she wouldn't want for herself.

She doesn't work, so I have often paid for emergency vet bills, house repairs and a new car for her. I do it without wanting anything other than to make her life comfortable, but it's not like I have spent more on Dad than her either for her to be resentful about.

Edited by Apageintime, 08 January 2013 - 01:20 PM.


#6 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:20 PM

QUOTE (thestylemanual @ 08/01/2013, 02:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Why didn't he pay her child support?



They had an ongoing dispute over access visits. Mum denied him access, he denied her child support basically. It was petty from both of them, which Dad has now acknowledged. He is currently paying the debt off.

Its not the cause of all of her problems though, she doesn't work, and never has. She refuses to attend her newstart meetings because they 'patronise' her. She occasionally will get a job she feels is befitting of her status, but finds a reason to quit in 2 weeks.

#7 shutterspeed

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:24 PM

QUOTE (Apageintime @ 08/01/2013, 02:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
They had an ongoing dispute over access visits. Mum denied him access, he denied her child support basically. It was petty from both of them, which Dad has now acknowledged. He is currently paying the debt off.

Its not the cause of all of her problems though, she doesn't work, and never has. She refuses to attend her newstart meetings because they 'patronise' her. She occasionally will get a job she feels is befitting of her status, but finds a reason to quit in 2 weeks.


Ah, I see. That makes more sense.

How frustrating that she won't work and then calls on you to pay for things for her. It is really quite childish.

#8 bambiigrrl

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:26 PM

change your phone number and get her out of your life. I have always subscribed to the idea that just because someone is family doesnt mean you have to put up with them. You should not have someone toxic in your life just cause you share genetic material. screw that. She sounds like my aunty and my aunty has 7 kids, 5 of which avoid her like the plague.

And its her own fault. your doing the right thing. be strong!


Edited by bambiigrrl, 08 January 2013 - 01:31 PM.


#9 my2earthangels

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:41 PM

I too have a toxic mother! Haven't seen her for a few years and no plans anytime soon! Times like Christmas I wish we were like family again, but then I remember how she treated me and all the lies she spun over the years. She too blamed my dad for many of her own problems, and constantly told me I was not wanted.

She also didn't allow my dad to see me, nor put his name on my birth certificate. Yet when it suited her she would demand money from my dad.

Best thing I ever did was cut ties with her! :-)

#10 CountryFeral

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:44 PM

My BIL has very, very little to do with he and DPs Mum.

This Christmas I was 'lucky' enough to spend 10 days with all of them, together.  It was by all accounts 'the best they had ever got on' !(DP couldn't stop thanking me for all of my soothing and distraction techniques which apparently 'made all the difference')

It was horrid.  

They were so nasty to each other. Not my idea of family at all.  

And yes, here too, the bitterness seems to stem from the split between DP's Father and she and his brother's subsequent 'betrayal' by going to live with his father..  

Now we are talking about a 45 year old man, who left home to live with his Dad at 16! A man who has since died I might add, yet that hasn't seemed to slow her constant snide remarks.

He too 'didn't pay maintenance' but that stemmed from AFTER BIL had left home and MIL had chosen to punish her ex by changing DP's surname to that of his stepdad, refusing to let him visit him anymore and by pretending (as she still does to this day) that DPs step dad was his biological father.

So in one fell swoop destroying not only DPs relationship with his father but that with his brother as well.

Such a horrid toxic situation.

What BIL does is simply not respond to their mother, if he contacts her HE contacts her, he moved early last year and chose to not give her his new number, nor his address, if he suspects that DP is doing a 'fishing trip' for information for their Mum he simply hangs up on him - quite calmly - but with a "If you are doing Mum's bidding here bro' I can't talk to you anymore".

Her emails are deleted unopened.

I used to think he was cruel - but having seen them both in action I see now that (for all his faults - and they ARE MANY) he is simply in self preservation mode.

I wish you strength OP.

#11 Apageintime

Posted 08 January 2013 - 01:56 PM

QUOTE (kymberley @ 08/01/2013, 02:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Times like Christmas I wish we were like family again.


Tomorrow is my birthday - and I think I'll be a bit sad about the whole thing then. I think the 'big events' will be the toughest to try and keep my distance.

#12 roses99

Posted 08 January 2013 - 02:41 PM

Thanks for explaining - makes sense now.

It's awful that you got stuck in the middle of your parents' animosity, but it's great that you've been able to have a relationship with your Dad. It sounds like she's completely unable to move on and is entirely self-absorbed.

I'm definitely not a counsellor, but I think you're right to tell her:

a) how she makes you feel (again, keeping it about you and her. don't let her make it about your dad or anyone else)

b) that you don't want contact from her given the effect that it has on you

You may be able to leave the door open slightly by telling her that you would only be willing to resume contact if she's willing to accept her responsibility for her own life.

There's a branch of cognitive behaviour therapy called 'reality therapy'. Boiled down, it encourages people to look beyond their past and focus on the here and now. And work on what they can do to make their lives better. So, in other words, accepting that only you can determine your own happiness etc.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reality_therapy

Sounds like your mum could use a dose! But of course, she'd have to be willing to change in order to benefit from seeing a psychologist.




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