Jump to content

Dropping in without calling first - rude or ok?


  • Please log in to reply
47 replies to this topic

#1 porcupine

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:43 PM

Hi EBers

DP's family drive me crazy - always "popping" round without calling/texting/letting us know first. His brother has ALWAYS done this but once our DD came along, his mother & his sister also do it too. Between the three of them, we have one of them dropping in close to every night of the week!!

DP agrees me with that it's a pain but says his family is welcome to come round anytime, as is my family. Except my family ALWAYS calls & organises a visit in advance, to check it's a good time for us. I have very politely asked DPs family not to visit at 6pm (which is dinner, bath & bedtime for our 12 month old) because it hypes her up before bed. But they come at 6pm anyway!! Grrr!!

I am happy for DD to see her extended family as much as possible but the "popping" in (& staying for at least an hour) is really upsetting me & it's starting to cause problems between DP & myself. He thinks I am overreacting.

DPs sister has just dropped in at 6pm for the fifth night in a row & I think I'm about to exlode!!

Advice?? Any ideas on how to discuss this with DP without sounding like I'm family-bashing his family??

TIA x

Edited by porcupine, 07 January 2013 - 05:45 PM.


#2 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:49 PM

There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

#3 AntiBourgeoisie

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:51 PM

I'm sorry, but I'm with your DP on this.
I actually don't think there is a right or wrong, just what you grew up with/are used to.
My husbands family are the call and arrange type. Even asking them to stay for dinner is a pain because they have to moan and wail about how much they will be inconveniencing us before they agree to stay (which is only maybe 10% of the time) - dammit, I wouldn't invite you if I didn't mean it!
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.
I have no real advice apart from - maybe just be grateful you have so many loving people in your life who want to drop by? I know that's just platitudes, but that's all I got.

#4 JustBeige

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:55 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 06:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

I would do this.  I would explain it like this too.  I would also add in how much you do love their company etc and how much DD loves them etc etc.

otherwise explain it to DP like this and ask for a compromise.  ie: once a week they can all come together.  or get together with them during the day (at their house, so you can leave).  

You both have to compromise on this one.

#5 MGB

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:56 PM

I prefer people to call- mainly so I can rush around and tidy up if there is a bit of a mess,  but I don't get upset if they don't.

Perhaps chat to them and let them know how you feel about it.

#6 imamumto3

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:00 PM

my inlaws drop in too, they let themselves in if I happen to leave the door unlocked.

I try and keep my house in a state of 3/4 tidy-tidy as I will often have friends drop over after school pick up.  most dont worry about untidiness, but a small mess is easier to blame on the kids  biggrin.gif

#7 Jembo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:05 PM

I don't mind the odd drop in at all, but what you are experiencing with so much regularity would drive me bonkers and at that time of day nearly every day.

When we lived near DP's parents they would do similar, and no matter how many times we asked them to let us know, they wouldn't, so we started going out when they would be likely to pop in (probably not helpful with a young baby and dinner, bed for you), they would then call to say well where are you, they did half get the hint of being stood up a few times.

I would definately let them know that it would be great if they could txt or call as sometimes taht time of night sucks and it stresses you out.

#8 Sallystwo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:09 PM

I dont drop in, but am happy to accommodate dropper inners here!  Weird right  huh.gif

#9 cinnabubble

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:11 PM

I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.

#10 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:12 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 07/01/2013, 06:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.


hahaha, see, you're in camp 2. I'm in camp 1, I LOVE drop-ins, makes me feel loved original.gif But my husband hates them so I don't encourage my friends to 'just drop in'...

#11 password123

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:14 PM

My MIL deliberately doesn't call because if she does, she knows I will run around cleaning like a crazy person. She thinks I have enough on my plate. I love her.
Though, if I were in your situation OP, I would say something.

#12 The Exposer

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:16 PM

You've asked them not to come at a particular time, yet they do anyway. that's rude.



The least they could do is come an hour earlier and entertain your DD while you cook dinner then bugger off at 6 when it's time to eat.



If it was a neighbour who popped in to say hi because they were dropping off something there's no need to call first.

#13 je m'en vais

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:17 PM

I'm with you OP. it would drive me crazy. I don't mind if anyone wants to visit but l appreciate ten minutes to clean up & make sure l am presentable. Although, five nights in a row by one person seems a bit much.
I also think your DH should speak with his family. It'd come across better.
All the best.

#14 niggles

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I don't let it bother me too much but I'm pretty good at carrying on as planned if the drop in would otherwise interfere. Yesterday the inlaws dropped in as I was locked away getting the baby off to sleep so I didn't see them and they didn't get to see the baby.

#15 jill1972

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I personally hate it when people drop in.  I've always been like that.  I think because I like it when I'm prepared ie house tidy, cake in the oven etc.  I think every time I have had a drop in I've been having an arvy nap or the house hasn't been as tidy as I like it when people come over.



______________

#16 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:22 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 03:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.


This.

QUOTE (AntiBourgeoisie @ 07/01/2013, 03:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.


And this.

It's a tough one.  Mixing respect, boundaries, flexibility and the ideals of two different upbringings can be difficult.

We have a big electric gate, with an intercom.   biggrin.gif

#17 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

I do think this is a perfect example of 'treat others how you would like to be treated' can be so, so wrong! It should be 'treat others the way THEY would like to be treated'.

In all seriousness, your inlaws should respect you enough to call before if that's what you would prefer. It really sh*ts me when people just do whatever THEY want on the basis that that's what THEY would like.

#18 Holidayromp

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

It is a PITA especially with young kids.  They can swan in, disrupt everything and swan back on out leaving the parents, well usually the mother to deal with the aftermath.

OP does your husband organise dinner and do the bath and bed routine?  If he doesn't and he is not the one to settle your DD then perhaps it will become his 'job' when his family drops in then he can see how much of a PITA they are all being.

#19 Monkey_Mind

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:25 PM

I'm having a similar situation with someone dropping around and it's driving me crazy. Our families always call before they come over though and I think it's common courtesy. Luckily I talked to my DP and it helped.

Maybe you can meet halfway? If you can sit down with your DH and lay out some ground rules for drop ins and find some middle ground. 6pm is a really bad time to drop in so maybe suggest some hours that would suit better. If the rules aren't followed you could have a few ways you could both use to fob them off like not answering the door, or say you're sick etc

It may be his home, but it's yours too so you should be comfortable in your own home and not have to worry about someone dropping in at any time, it would make me a nervous wreck!

#20 BVB09

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I don't get drop ins at all ! They all know DH is a shift worker so they never dare ! biggrin.gif

But, on the other side of the question, I don't mind people dropping in. Sometimes drop ins can be at a really bad time, but I would hardly call it RUDE !

#21 Jax12

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I like a good drop in too...generally if I'm the dropper though I will call and see if the person is free first before and then tell them I'm only five mins away.  But...if it's become so disruptive that you've had to say something and they still aren't respecting your boundaries, I'd be upset.  If someone told me even once that they needed decent prior warning before a visit or a particular time was no good that would burn itself into my brain and I would make damned sure I didn't impose.  Hope you can find a solution that suits all parties OP.

#22 mum201

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

HATE drop ins. I don't even drop in on my mother. I have ALWAYS called first.

But then again, the amount of family togetherdness your DH has (5 nights in a row) would drive me bat sh*t crazy. I am a once a week catch up type person

#23 notorico

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:33 PM

I think family and close friends it is fine to drop in.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to get some warning as they usually drop in when the house looks like a bombs hit, but when I think about it I am glad we have that type of relationship. I drop in on my sister all the time and there a couple of friends I am comfortable dropping in on. We have the kind of relationship where you barely knock, just a quick knock and open the door while calling out "hello" and walk in.

Outside of these few people I would always call first and would appreciate a call as well. I have had a random mother from school, whose daughter was having issues at school dropping in at inconvenient times to get advice or have a whinge and that was a bit of a pain, but I wouldn't actually say anything because I tend to avoid confrontation.



#24 Oriental lily

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

My family are call and arrangers and DS family and vast extended family are drop inners.

Dhs family also don't believe in 'stay in nightwear/pj days' so if I was caught out not fully dressed and 'busy' by noon it would raise eyebrows and considered lazy and wasteful.

Dhs nanna however still thinks reading novels is wasteful and slothfull. She never encouraged any of her five daughters to read for enjoyment.

DH from a very farming salt of the earth family and drop inners. Extended families have worked together and stayed very close.

No real boundaries.

Different to my family who are more used to privacy.

#25 cheekymonkeysmum

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:36 PM

Yeah annoys me and even when someone calls dp, dp always says it's ok even when i don't want visitors or when our house is a mess.
Though if it's a good friend we haven't seen in a while or i don't mind ppl dropping in it's fine (with our friends they are usually like 5 minutes from our door step when they ring to say they are on their way over.)

We used to be serial drop inners we don't do it so much anymore now we have ds but most of our friends were still living at home with mum and dad or we went to visit our parents and they never ever minded we were always welcome and still are.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Abbott's childcare changes will 'reduce access and add complexity'

The government's childcare assistance package threatens to confuse and intimidate many parents, experts say.

Be careful what you wish for

Remember that chubby little baby who rocked on all fours? Remember how you wished he would start to crawl? Then remember how you felt once he did?

William Tyrrell's parents plead for information as anniversary looms

As the one-year anniversary of William Tyrrell's disappearance draws near, the missing four-year-old's parents have again pleaded with the public for information that could help bring their son home.

Family sleepovers: a tribute to my 1970s childhood

My memories of those nights in my childhood are all about fun: sleepover excitement, staying up late, watching movies we probably weren't supposed to watch ... freedom.

43 minutes of terror: family's agonising wait for ambulance for toddler

It was terrifying. As the minutes ticked by little Cooper Harrison's parents felt more and more frantic.

What not to say to a new mum

Some phrases just pop out before you really think about them, but there are some things you should try to not say to a new mum.

Mummydesking: the new hotdesking

It is a paradise that only working parents of small children can understand: a place to sit for three hours without any interruptions while someone looks after the kids.

Charlize Theron adopts baby girl

A few months after splitting from Sean Penn, the actress Charlize Theron has adopted a baby girl.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg shares painful truth behind wife's pregnancy

Facebook chief executive Mark Zuckerberg has shared a brutally honest truth about pregnancy in the hope it will help others through dark periods.  

Sugary drinks blamed for removal of toddlers' rotten teeth

Children as young as 18 months are having multiple rotten teeth pulled out as parents feed toddlers soft drinks through sipper bottles, and chocolate biscuits and Milo as bedtime treats.

Mum accidentally fake tans baby

Many of us have fallen foul of a bad fake tan or two, but this little guy's started a bit earlier than most.

Does this three-month-old say 'I love you'?

YouTube user Ted Moskalenko was filmed by his wife, Michelle, as his baby son, Ben, engaged in some baby chat.

Kids break out of daycare centre, cross busy highway

Two children broke out of an early childhood centre and wandered across a four-lane road.

Why I'm glad to be an indulgent granny

The phone calls started a couple of weeks ago. At about 5.30 each evening - if I am lucky - I will be greeted by a sweet, excited voice declaring: "'Allo Annie".

Newborn found in toilet at German airport

A newborn baby found abandoned and extremely ill in a bathroom in the Munich airport is doing well.

Is this the worst relationship advice ever published?

You sometimes have to wonder whether relationship/sex advice from magazines is designed to help or humiliate.

How you talk to your baby now can impact social skills later

People used to think that social skills were something kids were born with, not taught.

Three truths about C-section mums

Lately I've been thinking about the caesarean stories and the brave women who birth their children with strength and beauty.

Scientists predict when you should start a family

Scientists have calculated at exactly what age you need to start trying to get pregnant to have the best chance of realising your dream. 

Differently abled child

When 'protecting' a child is really a cover for judgement

Why are people so concerned for this happy child and his mother?

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

When toddlers have strange obsessions

When it comes to two-year-olds and birthday cakes there are a few requests that are usually at the top of the list. But a cake featuring a local personal injury lawyer?

When Mama Bear strikes

When we become mums, our instinct to protect our children and keep them safe from harm is so strong we're often likened to a Mama Bear protecting her cubs.  

Immunity boosters for kids

There are no guaranteed ways to avoid the dreaded winter illnesses completely, but there are ways we can boost our children's immunity.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Mum shares portrait of her proudly breastfeeding three-year-old

Jade Beall usually chooses to breastfeed her son, now 3, in private. This week, however, she shared portraits of her breastfeeding her preschooler.

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.