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Dropping in without calling first - rude or ok?


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#1 porcupine

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:43 PM

Hi EBers

DP's family drive me crazy - always "popping" round without calling/texting/letting us know first. His brother has ALWAYS done this but once our DD came along, his mother & his sister also do it too. Between the three of them, we have one of them dropping in close to every night of the week!!

DP agrees me with that it's a pain but says his family is welcome to come round anytime, as is my family. Except my family ALWAYS calls & organises a visit in advance, to check it's a good time for us. I have very politely asked DPs family not to visit at 6pm (which is dinner, bath & bedtime for our 12 month old) because it hypes her up before bed. But they come at 6pm anyway!! Grrr!!

I am happy for DD to see her extended family as much as possible but the "popping" in (& staying for at least an hour) is really upsetting me & it's starting to cause problems between DP & myself. He thinks I am overreacting.

DPs sister has just dropped in at 6pm for the fifth night in a row & I think I'm about to exlode!!

Advice?? Any ideas on how to discuss this with DP without sounding like I'm family-bashing his family??

TIA x

Edited by porcupine, 07 January 2013 - 05:45 PM.


#2 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:49 PM

There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

#3 AntiBourgeoisie

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:51 PM

I'm sorry, but I'm with your DP on this.
I actually don't think there is a right or wrong, just what you grew up with/are used to.
My husbands family are the call and arrange type. Even asking them to stay for dinner is a pain because they have to moan and wail about how much they will be inconveniencing us before they agree to stay (which is only maybe 10% of the time) - dammit, I wouldn't invite you if I didn't mean it!
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.
I have no real advice apart from - maybe just be grateful you have so many loving people in your life who want to drop by? I know that's just platitudes, but that's all I got.

#4 JustBeige

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:55 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 06:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

I would do this.  I would explain it like this too.  I would also add in how much you do love their company etc and how much DD loves them etc etc.

otherwise explain it to DP like this and ask for a compromise.  ie: once a week they can all come together.  or get together with them during the day (at their house, so you can leave).  

You both have to compromise on this one.

#5 MGB

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:56 PM

I prefer people to call- mainly so I can rush around and tidy up if there is a bit of a mess,  but I don't get upset if they don't.

Perhaps chat to them and let them know how you feel about it.

#6 imamumto3

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:00 PM

my inlaws drop in too, they let themselves in if I happen to leave the door unlocked.

I try and keep my house in a state of 3/4 tidy-tidy as I will often have friends drop over after school pick up.  most dont worry about untidiness, but a small mess is easier to blame on the kids  biggrin.gif

#7 Jembo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:05 PM

I don't mind the odd drop in at all, but what you are experiencing with so much regularity would drive me bonkers and at that time of day nearly every day.

When we lived near DP's parents they would do similar, and no matter how many times we asked them to let us know, they wouldn't, so we started going out when they would be likely to pop in (probably not helpful with a young baby and dinner, bed for you), they would then call to say well where are you, they did half get the hint of being stood up a few times.

I would definately let them know that it would be great if they could txt or call as sometimes taht time of night sucks and it stresses you out.

#8 Sallystwo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:09 PM

I dont drop in, but am happy to accommodate dropper inners here!  Weird right  huh.gif

#9 cinnabubble

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:11 PM

I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.

#10 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:12 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 07/01/2013, 06:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.


hahaha, see, you're in camp 2. I'm in camp 1, I LOVE drop-ins, makes me feel loved original.gif But my husband hates them so I don't encourage my friends to 'just drop in'...

#11 password123

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:14 PM

My MIL deliberately doesn't call because if she does, she knows I will run around cleaning like a crazy person. She thinks I have enough on my plate. I love her.
Though, if I were in your situation OP, I would say something.

#12 The Exposer

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:16 PM

You've asked them not to come at a particular time, yet they do anyway. that's rude.



The least they could do is come an hour earlier and entertain your DD while you cook dinner then bugger off at 6 when it's time to eat.



If it was a neighbour who popped in to say hi because they were dropping off something there's no need to call first.

#13 je m'en vais

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:17 PM

I'm with you OP. it would drive me crazy. I don't mind if anyone wants to visit but l appreciate ten minutes to clean up & make sure l am presentable. Although, five nights in a row by one person seems a bit much.
I also think your DH should speak with his family. It'd come across better.
All the best.

#14 niggles

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I don't let it bother me too much but I'm pretty good at carrying on as planned if the drop in would otherwise interfere. Yesterday the inlaws dropped in as I was locked away getting the baby off to sleep so I didn't see them and they didn't get to see the baby.

#15 jill1972

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I personally hate it when people drop in.  I've always been like that.  I think because I like it when I'm prepared ie house tidy, cake in the oven etc.  I think every time I have had a drop in I've been having an arvy nap or the house hasn't been as tidy as I like it when people come over.



______________

#16 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:22 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 03:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.


This.

QUOTE (AntiBourgeoisie @ 07/01/2013, 03:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.


And this.

It's a tough one.  Mixing respect, boundaries, flexibility and the ideals of two different upbringings can be difficult.

We have a big electric gate, with an intercom.   biggrin.gif

#17 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

I do think this is a perfect example of 'treat others how you would like to be treated' can be so, so wrong! It should be 'treat others the way THEY would like to be treated'.

In all seriousness, your inlaws should respect you enough to call before if that's what you would prefer. It really sh*ts me when people just do whatever THEY want on the basis that that's what THEY would like.

#18 Holidayromp

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

It is a PITA especially with young kids.  They can swan in, disrupt everything and swan back on out leaving the parents, well usually the mother to deal with the aftermath.

OP does your husband organise dinner and do the bath and bed routine?  If he doesn't and he is not the one to settle your DD then perhaps it will become his 'job' when his family drops in then he can see how much of a PITA they are all being.

#19 Monkey_Mind

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:25 PM

I'm having a similar situation with someone dropping around and it's driving me crazy. Our families always call before they come over though and I think it's common courtesy. Luckily I talked to my DP and it helped.

Maybe you can meet halfway? If you can sit down with your DH and lay out some ground rules for drop ins and find some middle ground. 6pm is a really bad time to drop in so maybe suggest some hours that would suit better. If the rules aren't followed you could have a few ways you could both use to fob them off like not answering the door, or say you're sick etc

It may be his home, but it's yours too so you should be comfortable in your own home and not have to worry about someone dropping in at any time, it would make me a nervous wreck!

#20 BVB09

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I don't get drop ins at all ! They all know DH is a shift worker so they never dare ! biggrin.gif

But, on the other side of the question, I don't mind people dropping in. Sometimes drop ins can be at a really bad time, but I would hardly call it RUDE !

#21 Jax12

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I like a good drop in too...generally if I'm the dropper though I will call and see if the person is free first before and then tell them I'm only five mins away.  But...if it's become so disruptive that you've had to say something and they still aren't respecting your boundaries, I'd be upset.  If someone told me even once that they needed decent prior warning before a visit or a particular time was no good that would burn itself into my brain and I would make damned sure I didn't impose.  Hope you can find a solution that suits all parties OP.

#22 mum201

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

HATE drop ins. I don't even drop in on my mother. I have ALWAYS called first.

But then again, the amount of family togetherdness your DH has (5 nights in a row) would drive me bat sh*t crazy. I am a once a week catch up type person

#23 notorico

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:33 PM

I think family and close friends it is fine to drop in.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to get some warning as they usually drop in when the house looks like a bombs hit, but when I think about it I am glad we have that type of relationship. I drop in on my sister all the time and there a couple of friends I am comfortable dropping in on. We have the kind of relationship where you barely knock, just a quick knock and open the door while calling out "hello" and walk in.

Outside of these few people I would always call first and would appreciate a call as well. I have had a random mother from school, whose daughter was having issues at school dropping in at inconvenient times to get advice or have a whinge and that was a bit of a pain, but I wouldn't actually say anything because I tend to avoid confrontation.



#24 Oriental lily

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

My family are call and arrangers and DS family and vast extended family are drop inners.

Dhs family also don't believe in 'stay in nightwear/pj days' so if I was caught out not fully dressed and 'busy' by noon it would raise eyebrows and considered lazy and wasteful.

Dhs nanna however still thinks reading novels is wasteful and slothfull. She never encouraged any of her five daughters to read for enjoyment.

DH from a very farming salt of the earth family and drop inners. Extended families have worked together and stayed very close.

No real boundaries.

Different to my family who are more used to privacy.

#25 cheekymonkeysmum

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:36 PM

Yeah annoys me and even when someone calls dp, dp always says it's ok even when i don't want visitors or when our house is a mess.
Though if it's a good friend we haven't seen in a while or i don't mind ppl dropping in it's fine (with our friends they are usually like 5 minutes from our door step when they ring to say they are on their way over.)

We used to be serial drop inners we don't do it so much anymore now we have ds but most of our friends were still living at home with mum and dad or we went to visit our parents and they never ever minded we were always welcome and still are.




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