Jump to content

Dropping in without calling first - rude or ok?


  • Please log in to reply
47 replies to this topic

#1 porcupine

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:43 PM

Hi EBers

DP's family drive me crazy - always "popping" round without calling/texting/letting us know first. His brother has ALWAYS done this but once our DD came along, his mother & his sister also do it too. Between the three of them, we have one of them dropping in close to every night of the week!!

DP agrees me with that it's a pain but says his family is welcome to come round anytime, as is my family. Except my family ALWAYS calls & organises a visit in advance, to check it's a good time for us. I have very politely asked DPs family not to visit at 6pm (which is dinner, bath & bedtime for our 12 month old) because it hypes her up before bed. But they come at 6pm anyway!! Grrr!!

I am happy for DD to see her extended family as much as possible but the "popping" in (& staying for at least an hour) is really upsetting me & it's starting to cause problems between DP & myself. He thinks I am overreacting.

DPs sister has just dropped in at 6pm for the fifth night in a row & I think I'm about to exlode!!

Advice?? Any ideas on how to discuss this with DP without sounding like I'm family-bashing his family??

TIA x

Edited by porcupine, 07 January 2013 - 05:45 PM.


#2 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:49 PM

There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

#3 AntiBourgeoisie

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:51 PM

I'm sorry, but I'm with your DP on this.
I actually don't think there is a right or wrong, just what you grew up with/are used to.
My husbands family are the call and arrange type. Even asking them to stay for dinner is a pain because they have to moan and wail about how much they will be inconveniencing us before they agree to stay (which is only maybe 10% of the time) - dammit, I wouldn't invite you if I didn't mean it!
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.
I have no real advice apart from - maybe just be grateful you have so many loving people in your life who want to drop by? I know that's just platitudes, but that's all I got.

#4 JustBeige

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:55 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 06:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

I would do this.  I would explain it like this too.  I would also add in how much you do love their company etc and how much DD loves them etc etc.

otherwise explain it to DP like this and ask for a compromise.  ie: once a week they can all come together.  or get together with them during the day (at their house, so you can leave).  

You both have to compromise on this one.

#5 MGB

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:56 PM

I prefer people to call- mainly so I can rush around and tidy up if there is a bit of a mess,  but I don't get upset if they don't.

Perhaps chat to them and let them know how you feel about it.

#6 imamumto3

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:00 PM

my inlaws drop in too, they let themselves in if I happen to leave the door unlocked.

I try and keep my house in a state of 3/4 tidy-tidy as I will often have friends drop over after school pick up.  most dont worry about untidiness, but a small mess is easier to blame on the kids  biggrin.gif

#7 Jembo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:05 PM

I don't mind the odd drop in at all, but what you are experiencing with so much regularity would drive me bonkers and at that time of day nearly every day.

When we lived near DP's parents they would do similar, and no matter how many times we asked them to let us know, they wouldn't, so we started going out when they would be likely to pop in (probably not helpful with a young baby and dinner, bed for you), they would then call to say well where are you, they did half get the hint of being stood up a few times.

I would definately let them know that it would be great if they could txt or call as sometimes taht time of night sucks and it stresses you out.

#8 Sallystwo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:09 PM

I dont drop in, but am happy to accommodate dropper inners here!  Weird right  huh.gif

#9 cinnabubble

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:11 PM

I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.

#10 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:12 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 07/01/2013, 06:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.


hahaha, see, you're in camp 2. I'm in camp 1, I LOVE drop-ins, makes me feel loved original.gif But my husband hates them so I don't encourage my friends to 'just drop in'...

#11 password123

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:14 PM

My MIL deliberately doesn't call because if she does, she knows I will run around cleaning like a crazy person. She thinks I have enough on my plate. I love her.
Though, if I were in your situation OP, I would say something.

#12 The Exposer

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:16 PM

You've asked them not to come at a particular time, yet they do anyway. that's rude.



The least they could do is come an hour earlier and entertain your DD while you cook dinner then bugger off at 6 when it's time to eat.



If it was a neighbour who popped in to say hi because they were dropping off something there's no need to call first.

#13 je m'en vais

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:17 PM

I'm with you OP. it would drive me crazy. I don't mind if anyone wants to visit but l appreciate ten minutes to clean up & make sure l am presentable. Although, five nights in a row by one person seems a bit much.
I also think your DH should speak with his family. It'd come across better.
All the best.

#14 niggles

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I don't let it bother me too much but I'm pretty good at carrying on as planned if the drop in would otherwise interfere. Yesterday the inlaws dropped in as I was locked away getting the baby off to sleep so I didn't see them and they didn't get to see the baby.

#15 jill1972

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I personally hate it when people drop in.  I've always been like that.  I think because I like it when I'm prepared ie house tidy, cake in the oven etc.  I think every time I have had a drop in I've been having an arvy nap or the house hasn't been as tidy as I like it when people come over.



______________

#16 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:22 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 03:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.


This.

QUOTE (AntiBourgeoisie @ 07/01/2013, 03:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.


And this.

It's a tough one.  Mixing respect, boundaries, flexibility and the ideals of two different upbringings can be difficult.

We have a big electric gate, with an intercom.   biggrin.gif

#17 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

I do think this is a perfect example of 'treat others how you would like to be treated' can be so, so wrong! It should be 'treat others the way THEY would like to be treated'.

In all seriousness, your inlaws should respect you enough to call before if that's what you would prefer. It really sh*ts me when people just do whatever THEY want on the basis that that's what THEY would like.

#18 Holidayromp

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

It is a PITA especially with young kids.  They can swan in, disrupt everything and swan back on out leaving the parents, well usually the mother to deal with the aftermath.

OP does your husband organise dinner and do the bath and bed routine?  If he doesn't and he is not the one to settle your DD then perhaps it will become his 'job' when his family drops in then he can see how much of a PITA they are all being.

#19 Monkey_Mind

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:25 PM

I'm having a similar situation with someone dropping around and it's driving me crazy. Our families always call before they come over though and I think it's common courtesy. Luckily I talked to my DP and it helped.

Maybe you can meet halfway? If you can sit down with your DH and lay out some ground rules for drop ins and find some middle ground. 6pm is a really bad time to drop in so maybe suggest some hours that would suit better. If the rules aren't followed you could have a few ways you could both use to fob them off like not answering the door, or say you're sick etc

It may be his home, but it's yours too so you should be comfortable in your own home and not have to worry about someone dropping in at any time, it would make me a nervous wreck!

#20 BVB09

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I don't get drop ins at all ! They all know DH is a shift worker so they never dare ! biggrin.gif

But, on the other side of the question, I don't mind people dropping in. Sometimes drop ins can be at a really bad time, but I would hardly call it RUDE !

#21 Jax12

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I like a good drop in too...generally if I'm the dropper though I will call and see if the person is free first before and then tell them I'm only five mins away.  But...if it's become so disruptive that you've had to say something and they still aren't respecting your boundaries, I'd be upset.  If someone told me even once that they needed decent prior warning before a visit or a particular time was no good that would burn itself into my brain and I would make damned sure I didn't impose.  Hope you can find a solution that suits all parties OP.

#22 mum201

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

HATE drop ins. I don't even drop in on my mother. I have ALWAYS called first.

But then again, the amount of family togetherdness your DH has (5 nights in a row) would drive me bat sh*t crazy. I am a once a week catch up type person

#23 notorico

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:33 PM

I think family and close friends it is fine to drop in.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to get some warning as they usually drop in when the house looks like a bombs hit, but when I think about it I am glad we have that type of relationship. I drop in on my sister all the time and there a couple of friends I am comfortable dropping in on. We have the kind of relationship where you barely knock, just a quick knock and open the door while calling out "hello" and walk in.

Outside of these few people I would always call first and would appreciate a call as well. I have had a random mother from school, whose daughter was having issues at school dropping in at inconvenient times to get advice or have a whinge and that was a bit of a pain, but I wouldn't actually say anything because I tend to avoid confrontation.



#24 Oriental lily

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

My family are call and arrangers and DS family and vast extended family are drop inners.

Dhs family also don't believe in 'stay in nightwear/pj days' so if I was caught out not fully dressed and 'busy' by noon it would raise eyebrows and considered lazy and wasteful.

Dhs nanna however still thinks reading novels is wasteful and slothfull. She never encouraged any of her five daughters to read for enjoyment.

DH from a very farming salt of the earth family and drop inners. Extended families have worked together and stayed very close.

No real boundaries.

Different to my family who are more used to privacy.

#25 cheekymonkeysmum

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:36 PM

Yeah annoys me and even when someone calls dp, dp always says it's ok even when i don't want visitors or when our house is a mess.
Though if it's a good friend we haven't seen in a while or i don't mind ppl dropping in it's fine (with our friends they are usually like 5 minutes from our door step when they ring to say they are on their way over.)

We used to be serial drop inners we don't do it so much anymore now we have ds but most of our friends were still living at home with mum and dad or we went to visit our parents and they never ever minded we were always welcome and still are.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

A solo birth, a wasp swarm and a forest fire: mum and baby's amazing story of survival

Desperate, out of petrol and low on food, a new mother lit a fire in the hope of attracting attention.

Boy found on swing died of hypothermia and dehydration, autopsy finds

The story was chilling and heartbreaking: a three-year-old boy was found dead in a Southern Maryland park, his mother pushing him on the swing.

Child's play and laughter help battle fatigue

Feeling fatigued? Uh-huh, thought as much. Join the queue.

Dad shares entertaining 'how to hold a baby' clip

For many new dads, their own child is the first baby they have ever held. So one dad has posted an instructive YouTube video titled "How to Hold a Baby".

The Australian baby with 100,000 Facebook fans

She may be only eight months old, but Egypt has already amassed more than 100,000 fans and received a letter from royalty - Hollywood royalty that is.

Public welcome outside church for Princess Charlotte's christening

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have invited well-wishers to see Princess Charlotte outside church in Sandringham on day of her baptism.

Tongue tie: what you need to know

Tongue and lip tie can lead to many problems for babies - and their parents. Here are the signs of tongue tie and how it's treated.

My daughter is small but that doesn't matter

My daughter may be small, but it's my job as her parent to refocus back where it belongs - on who she is as a person

Wet wipes linked to rise in allergic reactions

The government has issued a health warning after a rise in allergic skin reactions has been linked to a preservative found in some wet wipes.

Gay couple in their 80s first to wed in Dallas after Supreme Court ruling

Love may have won, but it came with quite the wait.

William Tyrrell's family marks birthday with cake and renewed appeal

The family of missing boy William Tyrrell will mark his fourth birthday on Friday making a cake to share with friends and family as NSW police renewed their public appeal for information on his disappearance.

What all parents should know about safe babywearing

A picture of Ryan Reynolds always gets the girls talking, and a recently shared photo has done exactly that - but this time, it's for all the wrong reasons.

Baby's head shape reveals potentially fatal condition

Thinking her baby just had an unusually shaped head, a mother was shocked to discover it was instead linked to a dangerous condition.

'Help - my toddler hits me!'

My toddler has started hitting when he gets frustrated, is feeling ignored, or just thinks it might be fun.

Why IVF success rates may not be what you think

Transparency, accountability and responsibilityare essential measures to protect IVF vulnerable patients.

On the 10th anniversary of my son's death

This day marks a significant day. Today marks 10 years since I lost my son Kai.

Mother-in-law 'from hell' inspires survival guide

The happily ever after Nicola Milan had imagined wasn't to be – and she blames her mother-in-law.

Name your baby Quinoa, win a $10K gift card

Choosing a name for your little bundle of joy is always a major decision. It can be something traditional, trendy, creative … or inspired by the menu of your favourite chain restaurant.

Owning a pair of nail scissors does not make me a hairdresser

It's been a whole year since sleeping in until 10am. A whole year since having a peaceful shower.

The 83 children who were tragically let down in the last decade

Over a 10-year period, 83 children died from domestic violence abuse in NSW, with three quarters of the victims aged five years or under, the NSW Ombudsman has revealed.

Expert Q&A: Gross motor skill development in toddlers and preschoolers

Dr Katie Heathershaw answers questions about jumping, toe walking, riding a bike and being pigeon toed.

Is it reasonable to expect your partner to give up drinking in pregnancy?

From the moment that I fell pregnant with my son, I realised just how much my life had already started to change.

Stroke victim joins class action against makers of popular contraceptive pill

"I was terrified I would always be this way. The pill needs to come with a much higher warning."

Sexy time

Why you should get excited about scheduling sex

Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth. It just isn't.

When newborn photoshoots get messy

When it comes to newborn photoshoots, it is all about the timing.

Orphaned baby daughter Ayla wakes from coma

Former All Black Jerry Collins' critically injured orphaned daughter has awoken from her coma and is able to bottle-feed.

Dad takes miraculous catch while feeding baby

One American father has taken multitasking to a new level at a Cubs-Dodgers baseball game at Wrigley Field.

'Samuel is our firstborn, and he will never be forgotten'

Having lost their firstborn at one day old, the Carrolls were overjoyed to welcome their daughter Isobel into the world a year later.

Channel 10's Sarah Harris expecting first child

The Studio host Sarah Harris doesn't mind if her first baby is a boy or girl, but she does hope it is born with one thing in particular.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

27 funny ultrasound pictures

Ultrasounds give you a look at your growing baby ... and sometimes what appears to their womb-buddy, or your bub in an amusing position.

The top 6 misleading parenting terms

From 'morning sickness' to 'the terrible twos', there are many parenting terms that are misleading.

When 'good' nannies go bad

While most nannies take pride in their work, there can be some who have a hidden side.

Woman hospitalised for skinny jeans injury

Beware: skinny jeans might be bad for your health.

Gauze seeding: the bacteria-breeding birth trend

A number of women having caesarean deliveries are now taking steps to give their baby a better 'microbiome' start in life.

Jimmy Fallon writes new children's book for dads

Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC's The Tonight Show, recently wrote a children's book about every father's secret wish for their baby's first word to be "dada" - not "mama".

28 names for babies born in winter

Looking for some baby name inspiration for a bub born during the colder months? Here are 28 options from around the world to consider.

The horrible act that sparked a brawl at child's birthday party

The uncle of the seven-year-old girl at the centre of the brawl at child's birthday party in Sydney's west has described the events leading up to the alarming show of violence.

Babies 'benefit from iPads at a young age': study

More often than not, you'll read that screen time for children should be kept to a minimum - but some scientists are now challenging this way of thinking.

Do mums really just obsessively talk about their children?

Natalie Reilly describes three main types of conversations mothers have. And, surprise, they're not all about kids.

Why some dogs might attack babies or young kids

A baby's smell, the noises it makes and even its gaze can contribute to the potential for a dog attack.

Mum demands refund for 'beargina' christening cake

It was meant to be a tasteful cake to help celebrate a three-year-old's christening.

5 things no one warns you about after giving birth

How many times have you been warned about all the sleepless nights you have to 'look forward to' when you become a parent?

Police officer sang nursery rhyme as heartbreaking photo was taken

A police officer arrived at a devastating scene on Thursday: a car crash resulting in all passengers being thrown from the vehicle.

Don't worry, working mums: Just leave Dad in charge at home

Want to open the boardroom doors for women? Encourage - heck, praise - dads who stay home with their children.

Hilaria Baldwin shares post-baby selfie

Just two days after giving birth, actor Alec Balwin's wife posted a post-baby picture on social media.

'Help - my child won't ever do what I ask!'

Compliance is part of the parent-child relationship, but so is resistance. It's all natural.

Postnatal depression support gets $23 million boost in NSW

The Baird government will include $22.8 million in Tuesday's NSW budget to expand a program designed to help parents at risk of postnatal depression (PND).

'I'm just as tired, scared and stressed as you': stay-at-home dad's plea

I'm really lucky to have two great kids, but I found it really tough with so much being aimed at the mothers and not the fathers.

 

FREE TICKET

Get your FREE ticket to the Baby & Toddler Show

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.