Jump to content

Dropping in without calling first - rude or ok?


  • Please log in to reply
47 replies to this topic

#1 porcupine

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:43 PM

Hi EBers

DP's family drive me crazy - always "popping" round without calling/texting/letting us know first. His brother has ALWAYS done this but once our DD came along, his mother & his sister also do it too. Between the three of them, we have one of them dropping in close to every night of the week!!

DP agrees me with that it's a pain but says his family is welcome to come round anytime, as is my family. Except my family ALWAYS calls & organises a visit in advance, to check it's a good time for us. I have very politely asked DPs family not to visit at 6pm (which is dinner, bath & bedtime for our 12 month old) because it hypes her up before bed. But they come at 6pm anyway!! Grrr!!

I am happy for DD to see her extended family as much as possible but the "popping" in (& staying for at least an hour) is really upsetting me & it's starting to cause problems between DP & myself. He thinks I am overreacting.

DPs sister has just dropped in at 6pm for the fifth night in a row & I think I'm about to exlode!!

Advice?? Any ideas on how to discuss this with DP without sounding like I'm family-bashing his family??

TIA x

Edited by porcupine, 07 January 2013 - 05:45 PM.


#2 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:49 PM

There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

#3 AntiBourgeoisie

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:51 PM

I'm sorry, but I'm with your DP on this.
I actually don't think there is a right or wrong, just what you grew up with/are used to.
My husbands family are the call and arrange type. Even asking them to stay for dinner is a pain because they have to moan and wail about how much they will be inconveniencing us before they agree to stay (which is only maybe 10% of the time) - dammit, I wouldn't invite you if I didn't mean it!
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.
I have no real advice apart from - maybe just be grateful you have so many loving people in your life who want to drop by? I know that's just platitudes, but that's all I got.

#4 JustBeige

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:55 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 06:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.

I would do this.  I would explain it like this too.  I would also add in how much you do love their company etc and how much DD loves them etc etc.

otherwise explain it to DP like this and ask for a compromise.  ie: once a week they can all come together.  or get together with them during the day (at their house, so you can leave).  

You both have to compromise on this one.

#5 MGB

Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:56 PM

I prefer people to call- mainly so I can rush around and tidy up if there is a bit of a mess,  but I don't get upset if they don't.

Perhaps chat to them and let them know how you feel about it.

#6 imamumto3

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:00 PM

my inlaws drop in too, they let themselves in if I happen to leave the door unlocked.

I try and keep my house in a state of 3/4 tidy-tidy as I will often have friends drop over after school pick up.  most dont worry about untidiness, but a small mess is easier to blame on the kids  biggrin.gif

#7 Jembo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:05 PM

I don't mind the odd drop in at all, but what you are experiencing with so much regularity would drive me bonkers and at that time of day nearly every day.

When we lived near DP's parents they would do similar, and no matter how many times we asked them to let us know, they wouldn't, so we started going out when they would be likely to pop in (probably not helpful with a young baby and dinner, bed for you), they would then call to say well where are you, they did half get the hint of being stood up a few times.

I would definately let them know that it would be great if they could txt or call as sometimes taht time of night sucks and it stresses you out.

#8 Sallystwo

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:09 PM

I dont drop in, but am happy to accommodate dropper inners here!  Weird right  huh.gif

#9 cinnabubble

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:11 PM

I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.

#10 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:12 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 07/01/2013, 06:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's unspeakably rude and demonstrates a disturbing lack of boundaries.


hahaha, see, you're in camp 2. I'm in camp 1, I LOVE drop-ins, makes me feel loved original.gif But my husband hates them so I don't encourage my friends to 'just drop in'...

#11 password123

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:14 PM

My MIL deliberately doesn't call because if she does, she knows I will run around cleaning like a crazy person. She thinks I have enough on my plate. I love her.
Though, if I were in your situation OP, I would say something.

#12 The Exposer

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:16 PM

You've asked them not to come at a particular time, yet they do anyway. that's rude.



The least they could do is come an hour earlier and entertain your DD while you cook dinner then bugger off at 6 when it's time to eat.



If it was a neighbour who popped in to say hi because they were dropping off something there's no need to call first.

#13 grohl's chewy

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:17 PM

I'm with you OP. it would drive me crazy. I don't mind if anyone wants to visit but l appreciate ten minutes to clean up & make sure l am presentable. Although, five nights in a row by one person seems a bit much.
I also think your DH should speak with his family. It'd come across better.
All the best.

#14 niggles

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I don't let it bother me too much but I'm pretty good at carrying on as planned if the drop in would otherwise interfere. Yesterday the inlaws dropped in as I was locked away getting the baby off to sleep so I didn't see them and they didn't get to see the baby.

#15 jill1972

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:19 PM

I personally hate it when people drop in.  I've always been like that.  I think because I like it when I'm prepared ie house tidy, cake in the oven etc.  I think every time I have had a drop in I've been having an arvy nap or the house hasn't been as tidy as I like it when people come over.



______________

#16 Ruf~Feral~es

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:22 PM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 07/01/2013, 03:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
There are two types of people in this world - dropperinners and non-dropperinners. And never the twain shall meet.

I think if I were you I would call each of the offendors and explain that you are in camp B. That you love them very much, but that you REALLY need them to call first and check it's OK. It's nothing personal, it's just how you are. It's only 3 phonecalls. And no, I wouldn't make your DH call, as he's in the first camp and simply can't/won't understand what your issue is.


This.

QUOTE (AntiBourgeoisie @ 07/01/2013, 03:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My family always had a open door. I could bring five friends home from school and mum would magically expand dinner to make it sufficient for everyone. I have a similar open door policy now, and the arranging a one hour visit a week in advance drives me batty!
As much as your partner and the family should respect your wishes - it is his home also, and I don't think your POV is necessarily an objectively true one.


And this.

It's a tough one.  Mixing respect, boundaries, flexibility and the ideals of two different upbringings can be difficult.

We have a big electric gate, with an intercom.   biggrin.gif

#17 Escapin

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

I do think this is a perfect example of 'treat others how you would like to be treated' can be so, so wrong! It should be 'treat others the way THEY would like to be treated'.

In all seriousness, your inlaws should respect you enough to call before if that's what you would prefer. It really sh*ts me when people just do whatever THEY want on the basis that that's what THEY would like.

#18 Holidayromp

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:23 PM

It is a PITA especially with young kids.  They can swan in, disrupt everything and swan back on out leaving the parents, well usually the mother to deal with the aftermath.

OP does your husband organise dinner and do the bath and bed routine?  If he doesn't and he is not the one to settle your DD then perhaps it will become his 'job' when his family drops in then he can see how much of a PITA they are all being.

#19 Monkey_Mind

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:25 PM

I'm having a similar situation with someone dropping around and it's driving me crazy. Our families always call before they come over though and I think it's common courtesy. Luckily I talked to my DP and it helped.

Maybe you can meet halfway? If you can sit down with your DH and lay out some ground rules for drop ins and find some middle ground. 6pm is a really bad time to drop in so maybe suggest some hours that would suit better. If the rules aren't followed you could have a few ways you could both use to fob them off like not answering the door, or say you're sick etc

It may be his home, but it's yours too so you should be comfortable in your own home and not have to worry about someone dropping in at any time, it would make me a nervous wreck!

#20 BVB09

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I don't get drop ins at all ! They all know DH is a shift worker so they never dare ! biggrin.gif

But, on the other side of the question, I don't mind people dropping in. Sometimes drop ins can be at a really bad time, but I would hardly call it RUDE !

#21 Jax12

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

I like a good drop in too...generally if I'm the dropper though I will call and see if the person is free first before and then tell them I'm only five mins away.  But...if it's become so disruptive that you've had to say something and they still aren't respecting your boundaries, I'd be upset.  If someone told me even once that they needed decent prior warning before a visit or a particular time was no good that would burn itself into my brain and I would make damned sure I didn't impose.  Hope you can find a solution that suits all parties OP.

#22 mum201

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:27 PM

HATE drop ins. I don't even drop in on my mother. I have ALWAYS called first.

But then again, the amount of family togetherdness your DH has (5 nights in a row) would drive me bat sh*t crazy. I am a once a week catch up type person

#23 notorico

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:33 PM

I think family and close friends it is fine to drop in.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to get some warning as they usually drop in when the house looks like a bombs hit, but when I think about it I am glad we have that type of relationship. I drop in on my sister all the time and there a couple of friends I am comfortable dropping in on. We have the kind of relationship where you barely knock, just a quick knock and open the door while calling out "hello" and walk in.

Outside of these few people I would always call first and would appreciate a call as well. I have had a random mother from school, whose daughter was having issues at school dropping in at inconvenient times to get advice or have a whinge and that was a bit of a pain, but I wouldn't actually say anything because I tend to avoid confrontation.



#24 Oriental lily

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:34 PM

My family are call and arrangers and DS family and vast extended family are drop inners.

Dhs family also don't believe in 'stay in nightwear/pj days' so if I was caught out not fully dressed and 'busy' by noon it would raise eyebrows and considered lazy and wasteful.

Dhs nanna however still thinks reading novels is wasteful and slothfull. She never encouraged any of her five daughters to read for enjoyment.

DH from a very farming salt of the earth family and drop inners. Extended families have worked together and stayed very close.

No real boundaries.

Different to my family who are more used to privacy.

#25 cheekymonkeysmum

Posted 07 January 2013 - 06:36 PM

Yeah annoys me and even when someone calls dp, dp always says it's ok even when i don't want visitors or when our house is a mess.
Though if it's a good friend we haven't seen in a while or i don't mind ppl dropping in it's fine (with our friends they are usually like 5 minutes from our door step when they ring to say they are on their way over.)

We used to be serial drop inners we don't do it so much anymore now we have ds but most of our friends were still living at home with mum and dad or we went to visit our parents and they never ever minded we were always welcome and still are.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Exclusive Black Friday Sale!

Get over 40% off selected products, including prams, baby carriers, cloth nappies, sleeping bags and much more! 24 hours only, on May 6 - register now for your special code.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.