Jump to content

Taking off the wedding ring...when?


  • Please log in to reply
66 replies to this topic

#1 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 05 January 2013 - 08:58 PM

So I have been stewing about this since the 27th, I went to a christmas function in Sydney - very la di dah, with lots of la di dah folks. I had a good time. The next day my friend who invited me called to have a go about still wearing me wedding ring. Apparently as it has been well over a year since DH passed I need to lose the ring and 'move on' and she was wanting to set me up with available men but my wedder was sending the wrong message. I did get asked out at the party. Apparently she made it clear to at least one man I was a widow and I declined. I don't feel ready. I still feel married. I still want to be married, preferably to the wonderful man I married many years ago.... but I am conflicted.
Am I hanging on for the sake of hanging on?
I don't want to date, as a matter of fact after the party it suddenly hit me that there is the vaguest possibility I could have sex again. I had a panic attack at the thought of it. So not ready for any of that nonsense... but the wedder.... when should it go?

#2 erindiv

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:01 PM

It's up to you and don't let anyone tell you when it 'should' come off.

#3 SCARFACE CLAW

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:04 PM

Only when you feel ready to, and your friend is out of line pressuring you to take it off and start dating sad.gif  I wouldn't consider a year very long to "get over" your husband dying. Do what feels right, keep the ring on if it gives you some comfort and tell your friend to pull her head in.

#4 MrsLexiK

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

When you are ready. I am sorry your friend is a twit! I know someone who still wears hers, sometime in the last 6 months they have gone onto her other fingers but they are still there. Her husband passed away about 4 years ago and she has dated and been in a relationship with someone but it didn't mean she didn't want the rings still on.

#5 MummyIHK

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

I'm shocked that anyone would feel that they have a right to comment on you wearing a ring that your DH gave you as a token of his love.  You wear it for as long as you want to, don't worry for even 1 millisecond what anyone else thinks/says.

#6 TinyTeddys

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

Sounds like your not ready...don't let anyone rush you, do it in your own time when it feels right for you.

#7 jojonbeanie

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

What should go is the interfering by your friend. Tell her to mind her own bees wax and keep your ring on for as long as you like.

#8 I'msoMerry

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:06 PM

When you are ready and not before!!

There are no rules. Who has the right to make them?

Live your life the way you want. I wore my wedding ring for over a year after my exH left because I didnt want my marriage over.

Why on earth should you move on because someone else says you should? Most counsellors say it takes at least two years to get over a real love.

#9 CallMeFeral

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

It goes whenever you're ready for it to. Whether that's tomorrow, or never, or anything in between, is fine.

#10 la di dah

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

I think your friend is out of line.

There might come a time when you don't want to wear it anymore but only keep it safe somewhere, or you might want to wear it every day but on your right hand, to keep it close but not say "married" the same way. But you don't have to rush those feelings and you're not wrong to not feel them.

I think having your feelings is at least as valid as her wanting to set you up with people.

She's probably trying to help and doing it from a well-meaning place but you don't have to be cool with it. I'd tell her to step off.

#11 jayskette

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

This is not stopping you from making friends (of either sex)!

#12 Beth E

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:12 PM

You will know when you feel ready.

I lost my first DH in 1997, and I wore my wedding ring for well over a year, and then after that I wore it on a chain around my neck.

I had people ask me about it too - like "why are you still wearing it?".  Annoying I know, but you just have to stand your ground and do it when you feel right about it.

You will know when.

And so sorry for your loss..  x


#13 ELKO

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:14 PM

When YOU are ready.  My MIL husband passed away 35 years ago and she still wears hers as she is just not interested in another relationship and I guess has never felt ready. My mother stopped wearing hers about 2 years after my step father died as she was feeling like she was ready to move on.

Don't let anyone tell you it's time, you make that decision for yourself.

#14 bandbub

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:18 PM

as pp have said when ever you feel ready   my dad passed away 22 years ago and my mum still wears his wedding band and she has also remarried my step father respects this



#15 MintyBiscuit

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:19 PM

Your friend is way out of line. My FIL is still wearing his ring, and my MIL passed a little over two years ago. My mum wore her ring for ages after Dad died, then one day just stopped - she wasn't sure why, it just felt ok not to wear it anymore.

I don't think a year sounds like long at all to be honest. That first year after a death is so hard, with the initial shock of grief and then all those firsts without your loved one. The subsequent year for me had always been the time of coming to terms with the new normal. I'm amazed your friend could be so rude - please don't let her or anyone else dictate how you grieve.

#16 peckingbird

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:21 PM

My FIL died 20 years ago when my DH was only 12 years old, and my MIL still wears her wedding ring.  In her view, they are still husband and wife, even though he is not here in body, she believes he is with her always in spirit. I find this lovely.

It is totally up to you to make this decision, don't be pressured by anyone. They have not been through what you have been through.

Sorry for your loss.

#17 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:21 PM

Thanks everyone...
I know she is coming from a place of love, she sort of thinks setting up the farm is the beginning of some kind of seculsion for me. Mind you she is the sort of person who thinks county australia is Bowral if you know what I mean.
But I am not ready, so not ready I can not actually imagine a time when I am.... thats what you get for being in love eh?

#18 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:24 PM

Your friend needs a good kick in the chops.  A year is no time at all to grieve a partner.



#19 Propaganda

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:30 PM

I thought you were going to say since you divorced... in which case I would agree that's weird. But you didn't divorce... this is totally different.

What a rude and insensitive thing for that person to say to you. You do it when you're ready... IF you're ever ready.

#20 Mumma Mash

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:37 PM

I don't think you can put a time on these things can you? If it were me, I personally would never take them off. That would be very hard.
I think you do things in youre own time and when you're ready. A year is too soon in my eyes.

#21 Mumma_G

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:42 PM

When you and only you are ready to do so ... IF you ever are!

#22 cinnabubble

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:44 PM

QUOTE
Mind you she is the sort of person who thinks county australia is Bowral if you know what I mean.

That's not country. It's outback.

Tell your friend you have no interest in dating for her convenience.

#23 Chchgirl

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:45 PM

QUOTE (3Keiki @ 05/01/2013, 09:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So I have been stewing about this since the 27th, I went to a christmas function in Sydney - very la di dah, with lots of la di dah folks. I had a good time. The next day my friend who invited me called to have a go about still wearing me wedding ring. Apparently as it has been well over a year since DH passed I need to lose the ring and 'move on' and she was wanting to set me up with available men but my wedder was sending the wrong message. I did get asked out at the party. Apparently she made it clear to at least one man I was a widow and I declined. I don't feel ready. I still feel married. I still want to be married, preferably to the wonderful man I married many years ago.... but I am conflicted.
Am I hanging on for the sake of hanging on?
I don't want to date, as a matter of fact after the party it suddenly hit me that there is the vaguest possibility I could have sex again. I had a panic attack at the thought of it. So not ready for any of that nonsense... but the wedder.... when should it go?


No, you don't have to lose the ring and quite frankly it's nobodies business! My dh has been gone 6 months and in my opinion nobody can understand unless they have been through the same. Some days I wear mine and some I don't.

I have no interest in dating nor marrying again, more for the fact I don't want to share my things nor do I want someone moving in and then taking half of my children's house and what we had worked so hard for for over 20 years..I am happy to date someone who has no interest in moving in or getting married..

Wear it and don't let anyone pressure you into dating when you are not ready. I know of people in the same boat who don't do so for years!


Edited by Chchgirl, 05 January 2013 - 09:49 PM.


#24 Chchgirl

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:47 PM

QUOTE (3Keiki @ 05/01/2013, 10:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks everyone...
I know she is coming from a place of love, she sort of thinks setting up the farm is the beginning of some kind of seculsion for me. Mind you she is the sort of person who thinks county australia is Bowral if you know what I mean.
But I am not ready, so not ready I can not actually imagine a time when I am.... thats what you get for being in love eh?


I don't see the problem, I like seclusion!

#25 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:49 PM

QUOTE (Balzac @ 05/01/2013, 10:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Your friend needs a good kick in the chops.  A year is no time at all to grieve a partner.


Not so much a kick in the chops but a hug for wanting you to be happy with a new partner. Tell her 'thanks for your concern but I'm fine as I am right now".




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Why I breastfed my son until he was three

The fact that I not only breastfed my son, but breastfed him for three and a half years, seems pretty incredible in retrospect.

Do babies and young children see ghosts?

Do babies and young children see ghosts? If you’ve pondered the question, you’re not alone.

15 years with Essential Baby: meet Therese

"Life has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it the most."

Mum causes a stir by taking a stand against leggings

A mum has found herself the subject of debate after claiming tight bottoms cause lustful thoughts in men.

Don't set a parenting goal for 2015 - do this instead

The problem with goal setting as a parent is the measure. How do we really know if we’re succeeding?

5 pregnancy myths that just won't go away

When you're expecting, it often seems like everyone is keen to offer advice about what you should and shouldn't do in the interests of your health and wellbeing.

RPA hospital contacting mums after discovering vaccine storage fault

Sydney's Royal Prince Alfred Hospital (RPA) is trying to contact women who had babies at the facility after discovering a fault in a refrigerator containing vaccines.

'Nutella' not a baby name, French court says

A French court has blocked parents from naming their baby girl after the hazelnut spread Nutella, arguing it would make her the target of mockery.

Why I'm never calling myself 'just a mum' again

I’ve grown three human beings. I feed them, dress them, teach them, care for them and love them 24 hours a day. Yet for eight years, when I meet new people and they’ve asked me what I do, I tell them: “I’m just a mum”.

Rosie Batty named 2015 Australian of the Year

One year ago, Rosie Batty could not have imagined she'd be where she is. Tonight the grieving mum who put domestic violence on the national agenda was named Australian of the Year.

Five reasons to hug more

Hugging – some of us thrive on it, even depend on it – and then there are those who don't care for it really. So, are they missing out?

Help - my three-year-old has started throwing tantrums

My daughter never went through the "terrible twos" but began throwing wild tantrums shortly after her third birthday.

That's commitment

First peek at Sonia Kruger's daughter Maggie

"She smells so good, I could eat her," Kruger tells co-host David Campbell.

Mum assists in own caesarean surgery

A mum who partly delivered her own twins during a caesarean has encouraged other women to take control of their birthing experience.

How to handle common childhood regressions

Regression can be a natural and common part of development prompted by a variety of factors, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

Disgruntled dad's pram ad goes viral

When buying a second hand pram, there are lots of things to take into consideration. 

Man discovers he's a dad after finding 55-year-old letter

Discovering you are about to father a baby is startling enough - never mind finding out you have a 61-year-old son.

15 thoughts mums have during a tantrum

Ranging from mild to feral and triggered by events both minor and major, tantrums certainly keep life interesting.

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Forgotten Baby Syndrome claims the life of toddler

One baby dies every eight days in the back of a car in the US, victims of 'forgotten baby syndrome'.

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel. You stole my heart, and changed me into the women I am today.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Chrissie Swan has reached her "sex quota"

Chrissie Swan says she and her partner have sex once a year due to her fear of falling pregnant.

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.