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Taking off the wedding ring...when?


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#1 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 05 January 2013 - 08:58 PM

So I have been stewing about this since the 27th, I went to a christmas function in Sydney - very la di dah, with lots of la di dah folks. I had a good time. The next day my friend who invited me called to have a go about still wearing me wedding ring. Apparently as it has been well over a year since DH passed I need to lose the ring and 'move on' and she was wanting to set me up with available men but my wedder was sending the wrong message. I did get asked out at the party. Apparently she made it clear to at least one man I was a widow and I declined. I don't feel ready. I still feel married. I still want to be married, preferably to the wonderful man I married many years ago.... but I am conflicted.
Am I hanging on for the sake of hanging on?
I don't want to date, as a matter of fact after the party it suddenly hit me that there is the vaguest possibility I could have sex again. I had a panic attack at the thought of it. So not ready for any of that nonsense... but the wedder.... when should it go?

#2 erindiv

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:01 PM

It's up to you and don't let anyone tell you when it 'should' come off.

#3 SCARFACE CLAW

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:04 PM

Only when you feel ready to, and your friend is out of line pressuring you to take it off and start dating sad.gif  I wouldn't consider a year very long to "get over" your husband dying. Do what feels right, keep the ring on if it gives you some comfort and tell your friend to pull her head in.

#4 MrsLexiK

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

When you are ready. I am sorry your friend is a twit! I know someone who still wears hers, sometime in the last 6 months they have gone onto her other fingers but they are still there. Her husband passed away about 4 years ago and she has dated and been in a relationship with someone but it didn't mean she didn't want the rings still on.

#5 MummyIHK

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

I'm shocked that anyone would feel that they have a right to comment on you wearing a ring that your DH gave you as a token of his love.  You wear it for as long as you want to, don't worry for even 1 millisecond what anyone else thinks/says.

#6 TinyTeddys

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

Sounds like your not ready...don't let anyone rush you, do it in your own time when it feels right for you.

#7 jojonbeanie

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:05 PM

What should go is the interfering by your friend. Tell her to mind her own bees wax and keep your ring on for as long as you like.

#8 michellew68

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:06 PM

When you are ready and not before!!

There are no rules. Who has the right to make them?

Live your life the way you want. I wore my wedding ring for over a year after my exH left because I didnt want my marriage over.

Why on earth should you move on because someone else says you should? Most counsellors say it takes at least two years to get over a real love.

#9 CallMeProtart

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

It goes whenever you're ready for it to. Whether that's tomorrow, or never, or anything in between, is fine.

#10 la di dah

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

I think your friend is out of line.

There might come a time when you don't want to wear it anymore but only keep it safe somewhere, or you might want to wear it every day but on your right hand, to keep it close but not say "married" the same way. But you don't have to rush those feelings and you're not wrong to not feel them.

I think having your feelings is at least as valid as her wanting to set you up with people.

She's probably trying to help and doing it from a well-meaning place but you don't have to be cool with it. I'd tell her to step off.

#11 jayskette

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:09 PM

This is not stopping you from making friends (of either sex)!

#12 Beth E

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:12 PM

You will know when you feel ready.

I lost my first DH in 1997, and I wore my wedding ring for well over a year, and then after that I wore it on a chain around my neck.

I had people ask me about it too - like "why are you still wearing it?".  Annoying I know, but you just have to stand your ground and do it when you feel right about it.

You will know when.

And so sorry for your loss..  x


#13 ELKO

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:14 PM

When YOU are ready.  My MIL husband passed away 35 years ago and she still wears hers as she is just not interested in another relationship and I guess has never felt ready. My mother stopped wearing hers about 2 years after my step father died as she was feeling like she was ready to move on.

Don't let anyone tell you it's time, you make that decision for yourself.

#14 bandbub

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:18 PM

as pp have said when ever you feel ready   my dad passed away 22 years ago and my mum still wears his wedding band and she has also remarried my step father respects this



#15 HollyOllyOxenfree

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:19 PM

Your friend is way out of line. My FIL is still wearing his ring, and my MIL passed a little over two years ago. My mum wore her ring for ages after Dad died, then one day just stopped - she wasn't sure why, it just felt ok not to wear it anymore.

I don't think a year sounds like long at all to be honest. That first year after a death is so hard, with the initial shock of grief and then all those firsts without your loved one. The subsequent year for me had always been the time of coming to terms with the new normal. I'm amazed your friend could be so rude - please don't let her or anyone else dictate how you grieve.

#16 peckingbird

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:21 PM

My FIL died 20 years ago when my DH was only 12 years old, and my MIL still wears her wedding ring.  In her view, they are still husband and wife, even though he is not here in body, she believes he is with her always in spirit. I find this lovely.

It is totally up to you to make this decision, don't be pressured by anyone. They have not been through what you have been through.

Sorry for your loss.

#17 Guest_3Keiki_*

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:21 PM

Thanks everyone...
I know she is coming from a place of love, she sort of thinks setting up the farm is the beginning of some kind of seculsion for me. Mind you she is the sort of person who thinks county australia is Bowral if you know what I mean.
But I am not ready, so not ready I can not actually imagine a time when I am.... thats what you get for being in love eh?

#18 Laborious Nicety

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:24 PM

Your friend needs a good kick in the chops.  A year is no time at all to grieve a partner.



#19 Propaganda

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:30 PM

I thought you were going to say since you divorced... in which case I would agree that's weird. But you didn't divorce... this is totally different.

What a rude and insensitive thing for that person to say to you. You do it when you're ready... IF you're ever ready.

#20 Mumma Mash

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:37 PM

I don't think you can put a time on these things can you? If it were me, I personally would never take them off. That would be very hard.
I think you do things in youre own time and when you're ready. A year is too soon in my eyes.

#21 Mumma_G

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:42 PM

When you and only you are ready to do so ... IF you ever are!

#22 cinnabubble

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:44 PM

QUOTE
Mind you she is the sort of person who thinks county australia is Bowral if you know what I mean.

That's not country. It's outback.

Tell your friend you have no interest in dating for her convenience.

#23 Chchgirl

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:45 PM

QUOTE (3Keiki @ 05/01/2013, 09:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So I have been stewing about this since the 27th, I went to a christmas function in Sydney - very la di dah, with lots of la di dah folks. I had a good time. The next day my friend who invited me called to have a go about still wearing me wedding ring. Apparently as it has been well over a year since DH passed I need to lose the ring and 'move on' and she was wanting to set me up with available men but my wedder was sending the wrong message. I did get asked out at the party. Apparently she made it clear to at least one man I was a widow and I declined. I don't feel ready. I still feel married. I still want to be married, preferably to the wonderful man I married many years ago.... but I am conflicted.
Am I hanging on for the sake of hanging on?
I don't want to date, as a matter of fact after the party it suddenly hit me that there is the vaguest possibility I could have sex again. I had a panic attack at the thought of it. So not ready for any of that nonsense... but the wedder.... when should it go?


No, you don't have to lose the ring and quite frankly it's nobodies business! My dh has been gone 6 months and in my opinion nobody can understand unless they have been through the same. Some days I wear mine and some I don't.

I have no interest in dating nor marrying again, more for the fact I don't want to share my things nor do I want someone moving in and then taking half of my children's house and what we had worked so hard for for over 20 years..I am happy to date someone who has no interest in moving in or getting married..

Wear it and don't let anyone pressure you into dating when you are not ready. I know of people in the same boat who don't do so for years!


Edited by Chchgirl, 05 January 2013 - 09:49 PM.


#24 Chchgirl

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:47 PM

QUOTE (3Keiki @ 05/01/2013, 10:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks everyone...
I know she is coming from a place of love, she sort of thinks setting up the farm is the beginning of some kind of seculsion for me. Mind you she is the sort of person who thinks county australia is Bowral if you know what I mean.
But I am not ready, so not ready I can not actually imagine a time when I am.... thats what you get for being in love eh?


I don't see the problem, I like seclusion!

#25 Old Grey Mare

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:49 PM

QUOTE (Balzac @ 05/01/2013, 10:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Your friend needs a good kick in the chops.  A year is no time at all to grieve a partner.


Not so much a kick in the chops but a hug for wanting you to be happy with a new partner. Tell her 'thanks for your concern but I'm fine as I am right now".




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