Jump to content

Big Difference in Incomes / Paying for ... stuff


  • Please log in to reply
72 replies to this topic

#1 Bedge

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:08 PM

Hi All,

Here's the story ....

I pay my phone bill, business expenses, do food shopping each week, pay rego & insurance, pay for most incidentals (stuff for our dog, medicines, gifts for family/friends ...) .. I can basically ‘pay’ for myself plus some extras. DH pays my car repayment and our family private health insurance.

Apart from that, he pays for the rest of the bills and rent. He also sometimes helps me out with big bills, like car repairs and such.

Of course I appreciate all of this, he works very hard and we live in a nice home and have nice things.

Although ... there is often an undertone ... and I am reminded, often ... that I should be paying for these things and contributing more .... and that “other couples ........” Which is fine ... once upon a time I could and did. Although circumstances have changed and I do the very best I can. On the other hand, I do the majority of the house work and cooking.

I was just wanting understand how it works in other people homes, when one earns much more than the other?

Added Info:

So .. don't know if I explained this part ...

I have my own small business ... so I have my business account where all my business income and expenses come in and out from. I have had my own biz since we met. As I claim my phone, car and everything on tax, it all just comes and goes from my biz account.

And we haven't really evolved since then!

I don't really draw a wage from my income ... as some weeks are good weeks and some are quite weeks ... so I just live from my business account ..

We have talked about when I become a SATM, and things will be different then which he knows.

It just seems ... now .. frustration that I'm not earning 'more' when I should be ... and semi joking comments about his money and that I should be paying this and that ...

I feel a bit .... frustrated .. for quite a few reasons you have all mentioned.

Edited by Bedge, 05 January 2013 - 05:26 PM.


#2 Stellajoy

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:14 PM

We have quite a massive difference in incomes but it all goes into one bank account and is "our" money. All of our expenses are joint expenses, except maybe clothes which I spend more on. I do t think either of us have laid personal claim to money coming in since a year after we started dating.



#3 barrington

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:15 PM

Any money either of us earns goes into a joint bank account and all bills are paid from that account.  There is absolutely no separation of different bills paid by different members of the family.


#4 GoodGollyMolly

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:16 PM

We pool our income do its "ours" not one persons or the others. This has worked for lots of stages of our relationship from me being a student and earning half what DH earns, to us earning about the same, to me earning twice as much.

We still have (an equal amount) of money that's put into our personal accounts every fortnight for each of us to spend how we please, but all the rest of the income goes into our joint mortgage offset account. We both agree that's our top priority for our income at the moment.



#5 Julie3Girls

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:19 PM

Both our incomes go into the savings offset account. Everything comes out of that.

There is NO my money or his money. There is NO "I pay for this, you for that"

We've done since the moment we got married. So at first, we were probably on equal incomes. Now, due to me changing to part time, I earn only a fraction of what he does. Thankfully, my husband appreciates that I bring a lot more to our family that just a financial amount, and it's never been an issue.

I could not live with what you are describiing.


#6 TenYears

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:19 PM

We have family money rather than his money and my money.  We discuss big purchases, (of stuff for just one of us or household stuff), before we go ahead with them.


Do sort this out before you have children so that expectations are very clear.  It'd be awful to discover later, for example, that childcare is 'your' expense and suddenly your contribution to the household funds will be considered even lower than it is now.

#7 JECJEC

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:22 PM

That would be a red flag for me. I have earned and brought more into my relationship financially BUT we are building OUR future together.

Other people do it and I have seen one member of a family struggle whilst the other buys a boat, cigarettes and in the other example motorbikes.

#8 CoconutBaby

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:26 PM

Money in this house is our money. Has been this way since we purchased our house and combined our bank accounts. However, even prior to that we still never considered it as a "yours" or "mine" thing, despite having different accounts. We each worked, sure the pay was uneven, but we both contributed and generally whoever had their card out first would pay.


#9 I'msoMerry

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:27 PM

I dont know why you would consider having a child in this relationship. You are making a family and home together.
I earn nothing as I am a SAHM. My DH supports me, our child, and my two sons!!

I would think VERY carefully about a future with someone like that.

#10 Guest_AllegraM_*

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:29 PM

I am a SAHM now but until then, we both worked fulltime and DH earned 8-10 times my wage.

From my wage and rental income I paid the mortgage and rates on my own pre-marriage rental property and paid the rego, service and running costs of my own car and paid my own phone bill. Everything else was pooled with DH and it has always been our money, without caveat.

DH would have been happy to assist or pay all of my bills but it was a matter of pride that I continue to pay them myself as I did as a single woman. Furthermore, despite having a wonderful marriage to DH, I think it is important to protect your assets and show that they were maintained independently by yourself in the event of a relationship breakdown. I paid off my own mortgage prior to becoming a SAHM and the repairs and rates on my own property continue to be paid from my rental income.

Otherwise, what is his is mine. I am pretty tight with money though, so DH has never been in a situation where he has to go all caveman on me and tell me to reign it in.

#11 bikingbubs

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:30 PM

Everything is our money.  At the moment I contribute $0 and I would be furious if he implied I need to contribute more at any time!

#12 Expelliarmus

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:30 PM

We also have 'our' money. It's not flawless but it all goes into one account and when we need to pay a bill, we pay it. When we need to buy food, we buy it. If my car needs petrol I put it in, if his car needs petrol he puts it in.

I see very little point in having 'our own bills' because very few of them are truly anything but family bills. It's been this way since well before we got married, even though we weren't living together. If something 'of mine' needed paying he would pay it, especially if I didn't have the funds. (I had a casual job and his was full time)

Usually he earns more than me, for a time I earned more than him. Right now it's about equal. I'm never going to catch up - I spent a number of years as a SAHM, studying or working part time. I would be very annoyed if he was keeping score like that. It's not something that CAN be made even because you never really know when someone is going to go through a period of unemployment, will retrain or who is going to be the at home parent.

It's my experience that 'other couples' pool some or all of the money that comes into the home and that the majority of bills, especially as regards to the house/rent/utilities/food are paid for from the pooled money.

#13 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:30 PM

Yep OUR money here too, years ago when I earned more than dh it was ours, now I don't earn anything it's still ours, when it stops being ours there will be problems.

#14 Klinkalink

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:35 PM

We have split finances (both due to need as DP runs his own business and it's also how we like it). Our incomes are quite different, but we do have a joint account.

Each fortnight we each pay an amount of money (the same amount) into the joint account, which covers PHI, groceries, utilities, everything for the kids (inclusing childcare), contents insurance, the kids' investment fund contributions and all medical/pharmaceutical things. All of those expenses get paid out of that account.

We each pay for our own petrol, car insurance and mobile phone bills (and I pay the mortgage and rates as the house is in my name - again, this needs to be this way because of DP's business). Anything apart from what we put into the joint account is our individual play money to pay for our own clothes, hobbies, etc..

It works well for us and I love not having to ask for permission to buy something for myself, as is causing a lot of friction with one set of friends we have. One of us has quite a bit more money left over than the other on a fortnightly basis, but that's OK with both of us. One of us worked their butt off living poor at Uni for years to end up with a well paid profession, and the other, well, didn't  cool.gif . The one who earns more does get the 'big' new toys for the household when they're needed though, like TVs, large appliances, holidays, so it evens itself out in the end. They do all the housework and cooking too.

#15 JuliaD

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:37 PM

Joint account here too - ever since we got engaged 6-7 yrs ago.
Couldn't stand the idea that we had to split costs of everything, when it was "our" house; "our" families, 'our' bills etc.
We negotiate if either DH or myself wants to spend a large amount (more than a couple hundred dollars) on something for ourselves (eg extras for DH's car, clothes/shoes etc for myself), but other than that, it's just our money and we do what we need to with it.

#16 Ally'smum

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:39 PM

All joint accounts here, everything is ours.

Just wondering why this is only coming up now? Ours were combined once we bought a house together.What discussions do you have about money/shared goals?

We sit down once a month and go through the budget so DH can catch up with everything as I seem to do most of the financial side of things.

If he is holding anything over you I would be sorting that out quickly before it develops into bigger problems.



#17 jks91

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:40 PM

We each get our pay split into three lots by payroll - mortgage acct, bills/joint savings acct, personal acct.  

We definitely don't have the same income level so it works out that DP's income pays more of the mortgage (as we are paying a good 1.5 times the minimum), he probably gets slightly more spending money (only because he's had some payrises since we lodged the forms and haven't changed it) but I would say that our personal spending works out equal.  Our contribution to the bills account is exactly the same.  

Before we had this system we had individual accounts and would generally say his income pays mortgage and half of some bills and mine would pay groceries and other expenses - similar to what the OP described.  My DP would sometimes make comments about him being the greater income earner but never in a malicious way.  It was easier to think about our income as shared money when we each organised our pays to contribute to each account, we did this after about 12-18 months after moving in together.



#18 Kreme

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:40 PM

Once we bought a house together we got a joint bank a/c and all of "our money" goes into that and all bills are paid out of it. We've operated this way for 10 years now.
If anyone should be talking about what "other couples" do I think it should be you because in my experience the way you are operating is quite unusual in marriage.

#19 CallMeFeral

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:40 PM

Our money is combined. There is no he pays for I pay for.

Once we had kids and I was off work/working part time because of this, it's not really fair to split money, as one person's income is heavily dependent on the other person providing the non financial contribution of labour.

#20 marnie27

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:42 PM

You definitely need to sort this out before kids come along.

DP and I have separate accounts plus joined accounts, but we each have access to all of them. She's always earned more money than me though we came into the relationship with similar assets. We talk about what needs paying first, and that's what happens. Petrol, groceries and stuff for the kids is bought as needed with whichever bank card is easiest/has more money on it at the time. DP tends to buy herself more stuff than I do, when I want things it's usually a big outlay all at once (new camera and lenses etc).

I couldn't be with someone who resented my earning capacity.

#21 KBM

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:45 PM

If that was how it worked in my house, I wouldnt have a car, a phone, any new clothes, a gym membership, DH would never get any birthday/chrissy presents etc - cos Im a SAHM and I have NO income whatsoever.

As DH likes to joke/moan to people 'I earn the money, she spends it'.  Yes I spend it - on the mortgage, the food shopping, the bills.  I buy clothes for me, DH and the kids.  I buy whatever I want/need.  DH wouldnt have a clue how much gets spend on bills, insurance, rates, mortgage etc.

However, there must be trust in this sort of relationship, I wouldnt dream of making a major purchase without discussing it with him, and ditto the other way around.

QUOTE
that I should be paying for these things and contributing more .... and that “other couples ........


Urgh, this just made me cringe - firstly, you do contribute bu doing the cleaning, cooking, managing the household etc.  If he had to pay someone to do this, it would cost a fortune.  Secondly, I dont know what other couple hes been speaking to, all the 'other couples' I know do not have seperate bank accounts, do not have your bills and my bills.  You are in a partnership, be partners - not two individuals.  Sounds like hes treating you like a tenant and room mate who needs to pay their own way.

#22 RainRain

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:46 PM

Good topic Bedge...

Well we are probably in the phase of adjusting to that situation. It had always been discussed that if we have a child and I stopped working he would support the family...but personally I'm still getting my head around it. I have always earned quite a lot more money than him and not had to really think about what i spent. I enjoy having financial options while I make a good wage. If that was to stop i would have to give up some of my investments along with personal financial freedom...the idea of asking for money makes me feel really uncomfortable. BUT...this is just where I am in my mind as we transition from ME to US I suppose, life is forever changing.

#23 Escapin

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:48 PM

Your husband needs to grow up. To be honest, no matter how fab he is in other areas, this is only going to get worse when you have kids. Like a few other PPs, I think you need to seriously consider if this is what you want FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

#24 mum850

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:50 PM

ooh. I would be unhappy about that.

I earn four times as much as my husband.
It's all OUR money.
He works less. He does more pickups of our three kids, more shopping and more cooking. I do more cleaning and all the organising of Stuff. I complain that I do it all but when he goes away for work (often) I do notice it.

we have both been SAHP when our kids were small. Him more than me cos i earn a lot more. Though I had to do the whole expressing at work thing. Nother story.

#25 kpingitquiet

Posted 05 January 2013 - 04:50 PM

All our money is shared, no matter who is earning or receiving it. It's all ours. I honestly think it would be such a stress to divide out who covers what and who contributes more/most/enough. I'm not employed and I control all the finances. That gives him power of earning and me power of financial control. We find it an easy arrangement and low-stress on each of us in that regard. When I go back to work it will still all be our money, even though I'll be out-earning him by nearly as much as he does now. Who cares? The bills have to get paid no matter whose name is on the account. Why not just merge?

Reminds me of that one couple in Joy Luck Club who had a list on the fridge of things they "shared". Everything 50/50, despite him making 3x more than her.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Five-year-old shoots nine-month-old brother dead

A nine-month-old baby boy died on Monday after he was shot in the head by his five-year-old brother in their grandfather's home.

'Is that baby yours?'

She is my daughter. I gave birth to her. I nurse her. But she doesn't have any of my genes.

Episiotomy in childbirth: not just 'a little snip'

Episiotomies have a place in maternity care – and can occasionally save lives – but should not be performed routinely.

Toddler aggression not caused by language delays after all: study

The logic was that children who don’t have the language to fully express themselves will lash out when they’re misunderstood. Not anymore.

Why we chose to adopt a child with Down sydrome

Everyone in foster care (and really in life) has something that makes them more vulnerable. We just know what our son's is.

Object of desire

Curvy mums make clever babies

Scientists appear to have discovered why women have evolved to have more curves than men – shapely thighs and bottoms lead to healthier babies.

'We'll make sure they know how much she loved them'

A first-time mum will never get to hold her four newborns, dying shortly after giving birth to the quadruplets.

The baby names NZ knocked back in 2014

A New Zealander has tried to name their baby Senior Constable but didn't get away with it - and numbering children is also a no-no.

How can you go into labour without knowing you're pregnant?

For most of us, the idea that a woman could carry a child to full-term without knowing she is pregnant is mind-boggling.

Will you get to the hospital in time?

Worrying your baby will be delivered by the roadside is a common concern for many mothers-to-be. So how likely are you to be caught short?

Video: Funny 'Lips Are Moving' parody just for mums

Meghan Trainor's song 'Lips Are Moving' was already a hit, but now it's been turned into a hilarious parody that is set to be very popular with frustrated mums everywhere.

Out with the clutter

Decluttering by the numbers: take the 30-day challenge

Forget the 5:2 diet - Twitter's 30-day declutter challenge will have your house back in shape in no time (well, a month).

Parents, don't be too hard on yourselves

We need to stop damning parents of today, and embrace their appetite for knowledge instead.

Is my baby normal?

There are chubby Buddha babies and there are thin, smaller babies. Neither are right or wrong, they are all 'normal'.

When an older sibling starts school

When one child goes to ‘big school’ and leaves the other behind, it can cause deep upset. Here's how to make the transition easier.

Stray cat saves abandoned baby

They say dogs are man's best friend, but one cat has proven felines can be just as devoted to their human companions.

How strangers are helping a mum's wish come true after her death

A mum of five, Liz Marquez wanted to breastfeed her premmie son for a year. So when she passed away suddenly, her friends - and strangers - stepped in to help.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

Win with The Boxtrolls

To celebrate the release of The Boxtrolls on 3D Blu-ray, DVD & Digital with UltraViolet, we're giving you the chance to win a Boxtroll stationary package and DVD.

 

School Term 1

Get after-school care sorted

Wait lists too long at OSHC? Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.