Jump to content

How do you disclipine your 13 y/o DD for bad behaviour?


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 Moneypenny2014

Posted 05 January 2013 - 09:58 AM

My DD is generally a sweet girl but from time to time she goes off the rails. She doesnt have her periods but I sometimes wonder whether her addtitude reflects a mimicking of monthly cycles.
She treats everyone in the house badly at this times, is rude and obnoxious and thinks she is the queen.
Over the last 3-4 weeks she has been a gem.
She came back from her fathers house yesterday and its been awful ever since. I often find that when she comes home from his place it takes a few days for her moods to go back to normal - thinking lack of sleep and generally having no boundaries / bedtimes out there. The past few weeks she was living with us as there were issues at her fathers and I suspect thats why her behaviour was so good - because she was here.
This morning she was really rude to myself and her younger brother. She was telling me a story and I was listening but she started yelling at me saying I wasnt listening to her. SHe then said she was hungry so I suggested she eat breakfast to which she refused but said she would eat something but not breakfast. I told her she wasnt allowed to eat anything from the cupboard/fridge until after she had eaten a proper breakfast and it skyrocketed from there.
I had promised to take her to Sydney shopping this coming Wednesday and today I told her that unless her behaviour improved I would not be taking her.
She went off at me yelling and saying really awful things including that she'd rather her step mother was her real mother because I'm so awful and mean and treat her like a baby. She expects to be treated like a 16 year old whereas we treat her like the 13 year old she is, including bedtimes. She says all her friends can stay up late etc but when I chat to their parents, they in fact dont, though most of them sneak phones etc into their rooms and text at night which their parents get cross over.
Anyway, the reason for my post is, how do you discipline someone of this age?
I have taken both her mobile phone and laptop away from her so she has no electronic devices in her room to play with or contact others.
I told her to stay in her room all day but she has just come out to play with her baby sister.
I know I should tell her to go back in but know it will also cause yet another fight.
Every time she walks past me or I ask her something she makes this huffing noise at me.
I'd really love to just send her back to her fathers today but I'm not going to. She can stay here and learn the right way to behave.
I know she will calm down after a few hours and apologise but the way she carries on and treats everyone shouldnt happen in the first place.
And I also dont want to take her shopping as I know she'll be really nice to me and want me to buy her lots of things and why should I after the way she treated me today?



#2 JustBeige

Posted 05 January 2013 - 10:12 AM

DD (same age) would definitely not be going into town.  She would be sent back to her room each time she comes out and reminded that until she can be civil and polite like the rest of the family then she can stay there.   She would definitely loose the electronic equipment and she would need to 'earn it back'.

We have many many conversations about her attitude and why she thinks its OK to treat me/everyone the same way.

You are most definitely right in the fact that leading up to getting her period the first time they are hideous with their mood swings.

We found that sometimes we need to yell to be heard and to stop the arguing back.  Then when they have had 1hr in their rooms we go in and talk to them about their behaviour and why they are behaving this way and try and get them to reason it through.

I find this age, that they need as many boundaries as a 3yr old.  The only difference is that we encourage them to be mature and negotiate different things with us.

#3 gina70

Posted 05 January 2013 - 10:17 AM

I can totally relate to your pain!  I could have written this word for word for my dd1 who is 15 now.  We have regular blow ups.  And I got told she would rather live with her friend's mum as she is a much better mum than me.  Okay a few things I am learning.  Don't take it personally, it is the hormones talking and she loves you.

In regards to discipline and I am by no means an expert, but I am trying to learn to preempt.  So I think about what I agree to/ fits into my life.  For example how often she can sleep at friends or go to the movies, dances etc. before she asks.  As dd is getting older I am involving her more in the process.

Let the little things go, I no it is easier said then done.  Breakfast (especially while on holidays) is not worth getting into an argument about.  For dd wearing mascara to school, again, I ignore as it is just not worth all the arguments.

I keep an open line of communication and I take her out regularly on her own for milkshakes etc.  Give her attention, tell her I love her company.

I give her privacy (knock on her door to enter etc) and respect.  She is not allowed to yell at me or her sister, if that happens I would tell her to go to her room and cool down, when she had calmed down she can come out.  

I think threatening to not take her shopping is probably not the right way to go about it, only because she could be really needing your one on one attention (unless of course you already do this regularly)   Set a budget, for example, she has $50 to spend, when this runs out she doesn't get anymore.

I say sorry to my daughter after a row, although sometimes she beats me to it.

My other dd who is 13 (so far) has not been any trouble, although she has always been an easier child.

Good luck and remember you will get through this!

#4 AntiBourgeoisie

Posted 05 January 2013 - 10:38 AM

I don't have a 13 year old daughter, but I have a lot of sympathy for my mother who had the job of raising several of them.

It's been a while since I was 13, but I do remember it (as I'm sure you do), but as I was a particularly spectacular troll, maybe I can tell you what was going on in my head.

I was profoundly affected by my hormones/periods. Watch out world for those 3 days before.
I often didn't mean to be nasty - just my tongue seemed to run away ahead of me before my brain caught up and said 'hey, don't be mean to your family'
I really really really really really thought I was grown up and it wasn't until I was actually grown up that I realised I wasn't
And (I suspect) just as toddlers go through developmental 'spurts', I think teenagers do too.... I remember sulking and being in a foul mood for a week, and then being surprised that suddenly (for example) I understood the maths problems I had struggled with a week earlier.

My mother really never punished us. And in retrospect, I think she was right. Guilt and being reasonable was a far greater motivator than punishment. Being a troll to your mother over a petty issue like breakfast and then getting sat down to a nice cup of tea where my mother told me she was just by the comments I'd made and she hoped I wouldn't say them again, but that she still loved me  and would still do x with me that day because she loved me really cuts deep, and leaves an impact.

I think if you just ignored it and took her out shopping, that would send the wrong message. But at 13, she's old enough to understand "that was really quite unacceptable behaviour, i was really upset, but as you're important to me and I'll always love you I'll do this nice thing for you - and next time if you don't want a healthy breakfast and want junk food instead, please lets not fight about it (but you still don't get to eat junk food as the first food of the day)" - that way you're reinforcing the message about what she was upset at, reinforcing the notion that her behaviour was unacceptable, and also showing her that her families love transcends that.

Of course this approach won't work with everyone - but if she's come out of her room to play with her sister, despite the huffing and puffing, I suspect she's a good egg on the inside.

#5 mitty82

Posted 06 January 2013 - 08:17 PM

First thought is to chart the behaviour on a calendar to see if it is hormone related. My daughters behaviour is worse when she is tired.

#6 mitty82

Posted 06 January 2013 - 08:22 PM

no shopping for sure.

Send them to their room with no fun tech equipment and cant come out until they have calmed down and can speak nicely. I get the i hate this i hate that, i dont want to live here and never did. That last bit did it for my husband and he told her then leave. He went and got the suitcase and told her that if she doesnt want to then to go. This was at about ten pm at night, she stomped off muttering not now it is too dark. lol well she didnt. It was more of a 5 yr old saying im packing my bag and leaving.
My daughter is 12. I would say it might be lack of boundaries from the dad, tiredness and the difference in homes and rules. etc.

#7 galba

Posted 06 January 2013 - 08:52 PM


Not a DD but my DS who has been the model child until he hit 11 is now 13.  The moods have hit and he can be sullen one minute and laughing the next.

What do I do - remain calm at all times and keep talking to him.  He doesn't get sent to his room in fact he has to stay and socialise with all of us regardless.  I find that this way the mood doesn't fester and build and build as it would if he was stuck in his room with nothing to do.





#8 HarperLeeAndMe

Posted 07 January 2013 - 12:20 AM

My DS is really challenging the first day or so he is back from his dads.  I think it is such a big adjustment for them to constantly have to make.  I try to have lots of conversation about this and let him know I understand.

I am not sure sending children to their rooms is the best idea.  It is sending the message "you have done something wrong and we are going to isolate you for it and keep you away from us", I think a better approach is " you have done something wrong and we still love you and are keeping you close".

I changed our wifi password so DS couldn't access it for a while.

#9 bees-knees

Posted 07 January 2013 - 04:33 AM

My almost-13-yo wrote some nasty messages to a friend on Facebook. Fortunately, the friend's Mum called me to let me know.
She was grounded for a month. This means:
No going to friends houses
No having friends over
No using computer/iPod/phone (she had an iPod at the time - got a phone for Christmas)

This all happened about a week before Christmas which meant that she got this mobile phone (her first one) as a present, got to play with it for half an hour or so, them handed it back.
It was also pretty bad timing for her in that it covers most of the school holidays, and when her grounding finished, she'll be away with her dad & step mum until a day or so before school goes back.

So pretty rough holidays for her, but she is ok, not sulky about it or anything, and finding other things to amuse herself.

So I guess the short answer to that question could have been "we take away her technology"!

#10 Raticataticus

Posted 08 June 2013 - 04:22 PM

I don't have children but I was 13 once and in a similar situation to your DD so perhaps I can offer some input.

Firstly I think that cancelling the shopping trip is a bad idea as she could probably use the attention and time spent with you. Perhaps going out just the two of you could be a good opportunity to talk to her about how she is feeling, her behaviour, etc.

Sending her to her room is also a bad idea as it would make her feel like she is being deprived of attention and like you don't want her around. Also making her stay in her room with little human contact will probably make her mood/outlook on the situation worse as she will be stewing about it and have nothing else to think about.

I also wouldn't take the phone/technology off her for the same reasons I mentioned above. The lack of communication/distraction will cause her to just get angrier and and angrier about the situation.

If I were a parent in this situation I would wait until she calms down and then have a chat to her about why this kind of behaviour is bad, how it makes you feel, how you'd rather not fight with her, etc. etc. and then move on. At this age a lot of their behaviour is the hormones talking. I'm not saying let her get away with everything, but at the same time, don't dwell on things too much. It's a phase that will eventually pass. No matter how often you ground, punish, take away phones and iPods, yell, etc. when it comes down to it they are teenagers and you have to expect bad behaviour and boundary pushing. Also the going between your place and her Dad's is going to cause confusion especially if the rules at each house are different so you do have to expect some bad behaviour as a result of this.

As long as your kid is maintaining decent grades and not out getting drunk and having sex then you're probably doing a good enough job.

Edited by Raticataticus, 08 June 2013 - 04:22 PM.


#11 Chchgirl

Posted 08 June 2013 - 05:39 PM

I have a 15 year old dd and a nearly 12 year old dd..

I can't say I've had the 15 year old talk to me like that nor does she scream and yell at me, but she does get a bit testy before her period. I had to pull her up about it in the car today. I didn't yell, just firmly told her that as her birthday is in three weeks, if she continues this will be cancelled. She knows I mean what I say.

I've only had to take devices off her a couple of times in the last couple of years, but I never give in and stick to my guns.

I would not do the shopping trip. They can't be rewarded for bad behaviour. Some can be hormones, but not all!

#12 blimkybill

Posted 08 June 2013 - 06:00 PM

I have three teens, none of whom have had very bad behaviour problems, but they have been moody and unpleasant at times.
I take the tack of treating them a little more like I would an adult. So, if they are rude and nasty to me, I tell them how it makes me feel hurt, and I usually go another room to get away from the nastiness until it is over. If they have really pushed things, I might withdraw privileges, such as refusing to drive them somewhere they wanted to go. Or withdrawing pocket money. I usually prefer not to come down too hard or hand out the kind of discipline I would for a younger child. I think from around 12 on a child is able to start thinking in a more mature way and seeing themselves as an autonomous person. Their status as growing up people is important to them. I want the way I treat them to reflect that.
I think that modelling a grown up way of handling the inevitable bad moods is important. And also drawing out their empathy, and respecting their yearning for independence and privacy.

#13 JanetRose

Posted 18 June 2013 - 09:40 PM

Can't say my 13yr old is a yeller, but when she gets a bit snippy I usually wait for her to cool off then talk it through with her, I find it works better than direct punishment because she feels like I am not treating her like a little kid, plus it gets my point across much better than her sitting in her room in silence sulking would.

#14 Curly Wurly

Posted 18 June 2013 - 10:00 PM

I send my DD's out for a run/bike ride or a long walk. When they come home, they always apologise and feel much better after getting those happy hormones rolling. We then can talk rationally.  Generally it is something that has been festering and they havent known how to talk about it.

#15 LambChop

Posted 18 June 2013 - 10:17 PM

She's coming of an age now where she will be profoundly affected by her fathers relationship with her.  Why did the two of you break up ?  Does she have similar relationship needs to you ?  Are they not being met at her fathers house ?  Is she perceiving his approach to the relationship to mean 'he doesn't love her' ?

At 13 you're really starting to solidify self identity - she is trying to work out who she is going to be as a woman.  She desperately would be seeking some sort of 'male validation' from her father.  And she'd be swinging from hating you to wanting to sit on your knee and be held.

As others have said,don't take it personally, set boundaries and stick to them, make the time to 'see' her - listen, validate, accept.

The lashing out for me was a cry for attention - I felt so 'invisible' to my parents.  They never got that, Mum in particular took it as a failing on her part... she made it about her at all times.

Good luck, awesome that you are reflecting and seeking advice... you will get there at this rate !!




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Funny Father's Day cards

A little fun never goes astray when celebrating special occasions and Father's Day is no different. We've rounded up some funny Father's day cards for your husbands, fathers and other important men in your lives.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Baby and bulldog born on the same day are best friends

When Chicago mum Ivette Ivens saw a French bulldog puppy who had the same birthdate as her son Dilan, she "just knew it?s meant to be" and took him home. Five months later, puppy Farley and Dilan are the best of friends - as Ivens says, "I?m pretty sure Dilan thinks they?re both the same species, as they walk at the same level and are both going through the stage of chewing on everything.?

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGOŽ DUPLOŽ Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.