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sleeping in separate rooms = doomed marriage?

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#1 imamumto3

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:06 AM

was having a discussion last night with dh.  He has just discovered that his sister sleeps in a separate room to her DH and has done for the last few years.  I knew about it, but he only just found out.  The reason they do this is because her DH needs to have a good nights sleep so if she sleeps in a different room she wont disturb him when she has to get up to the kids or feed the baby.  The only time they share  a bed is when they are staying in a hotel room.

DH thinks that  their marriage is basically over because you should share a bed/bedroom if you are happily married.  I was pointing out other reasons why people might not share a room, such as one partner having to get up early for work etc but he still thinks it is odd.

so WDYT, does sleeping in separate rooms mean your marriage is doomed or is it quite a normal occurrence?

#2 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:09 AM

We've had separate bedrooms for the past 18 years.

Works for us.

#3 Feral*Spikey*

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:12 AM

I have to say, there are times when I really enjoy camping out in the spare room (which is also my study/dressing room and has a double bed). No noise, an entire bed to myself.... aaaah, the serenity.

I know of people who enjoy their separate rooms - usually some sort of health issues are involved - and still enjoy getting up to mischief. wink.gif Happy marriages in those cases.

#4 Just a marshmallow

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:13 AM

I don't see why it would mean a death knell.

I would say most marriages that end had the couple sleeping in the same room.

How much less stress could there be if you didn't have to worry about snoring, for example? I know I certainly sleep better when my DH is not in the bed.  

#5 Kay1

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:16 AM

I am sleeping in the baby's room most nights at the moment. Its just easier for me when I'm half asleep to get him from across the room as he still wakes frequently. It also allows DH to sleep all night before he goes to work.

I don't like it much though and we generally at least start out in the same bed but I don't think on its own it means anything much.

#6 dynamitee

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:17 AM

Our friends have been sleeping in separate rooms since before they were married.  Seems to work for them fine.

Probably could have done with a separate room myself last night.  DH keeps rolling over to my side.

#7 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:18 AM

I don't the it's the end of a marriage. What if one partner epically snores or something? I know I would t be able put up with that and would rather sleep in a separate room.

#8 aussierach

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:18 AM

my grandparents.. slept in seprate rooms for all bar the first 10 years of their marriage.. had 4 children.. and were married for over 50 yrs when my granddad passed certainly did their marriage no harm.. me well I prefer sleeping beside my hubby.. but we have friends who married in their late 30's and have never shared a bed they have been married 10 + yrs

#9 Mitis angelam

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:19 AM

Hhmm, depends.  Do I end up making both beds?   wink.gif

I think it's a silly question.  A happy marriage is about so much more than where and how you sleep.

#10 baddmammajamma

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:20 AM

Ill informed comment from your husband, OP.

Separate rooms doesn't have to mean lack of connection, respect, or intimacy.

My husband & I rarely share the same bed (kids with sleep issues, and I find that co-sleeping with them is what works right now), but I'm pretty confident that our marriage and our sex life are way healthier than many who DO share beds with their partners.

It really depends on the couple.

#11 Charri36

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:22 AM

We don't sleep in the same bed, well we kind of do....
We have a bed arrangement called a "double double" - we laugh about it.

It's two double beds pushed together, with matching bedding, we LOVE IT. We are both light sleepers and we'd both wake up if either one of us moved in bed, it was awful. We have been doing this for 13 years. Very happy.

#12 elco

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:24 AM

I don't necessarily think it means doomed marriage but I know two couples who have slept in separate rooms and both of their relationships failed. I am lucky that other than DH hogging the bed sometimes I much prefer him in the bed than not... I cannot sleep properly unless we are in bed together... he is a lovely sleeping companion.

#13 Oriental lily

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:24 AM

DH and I have had seperate beds and seperate rooms for nearly five years.

I believe hat DH and I have one of the strongest, happiest marriages within our group familes and friends.
It started wen I was pregnant with our second child and continued when I co slept with baby and then when I got pregnant with our third child.

Now I have the master bedroom and he has a double bed in the back room with his pc and many video games and 'stuff'.

It's great not needing to deal with his 'stuff' and his snoring.

I also snore so likewise I don't annoy him.

We share my bed at night while reading, snuggling and being intimate biggrin.gif .

But once it's time for serious zzzzzzzzs he pops into his bed.

And I can stretch out and enjoy my nice queen size bed wth my own chosen bed lines and sleep by myself in

Until the the hoard of children invade both our beds in the middle of the night lol.

Op it's about why they are not saring a bed compared if.

If its due to hostility and tension then of course is a significant sign of problems.

But if it's due to convenience and both mutually preffer then it's great!

I reccomend it to all if you have the space.

Edited by Oriental lily, 04 January 2013 - 11:28 AM.

#14 dulcinea

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:25 AM

We don't share a bed most nights, lots of reasons, kids, DH is a light sleeper etc.

We do enjoy sleeping in the same bed occasionally, it's like a special treat. But we do go back to our separate bedrooms after a few nights together, it just works better. We both get more rest and are happier for it.

And it doesn't stop us having "relations". That's what weekend daytime ABC2 is for, no?

#15 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:27 AM


Edited by lifehacker, 13 January 2013 - 11:32 AM.

#16 dulcinea

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:27 AM

QUOTE (Charri36 @ 04/01/2013, 12:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We don't sleep in the same bed, well we kind of do....
We have a bed arrangement called a "double double" - we laugh about it.

It's two double beds pushed together, with matching bedding, we LOVE IT. We are both light sleepers and we'd both wake up if either one of us moved in bed, it was awful. We have been doing this for 13 years. Very happy.

ohhh, I love this, this might work for us, too!

#17 Jane Jetson

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:28 AM

I think separate rooms is *good* for our marriage. DH is a sweaty, sweaty man in summer and I do not like sleeping with someone that's going to roll on me and cover me in a generous layer of their stinking, wet perspiration.

Also, he snores and I suffer from very bad allergies, so we probably sleep separately about three-quarters of the time in order to get some sleep! And anyway, sleeping separately does not at all mean ruling out nookie prior to lights out time so I don't see the issue.

#18 Three Of Hearts

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:28 AM

I am a very light sleeper.  Takes me hours to get to sleep and I wake up at the slightest noise.  DH on the other hand is asleep within minutes, snores, coughs, talks, kicks and pats me all through the night.  Can make for a very grumpy Allie sometimes!!  

I've been telling him if it keeps up he may just be moving to the spare room!  Doesn't mean I love him any less, I just need a good nights sleep!

#19 Bluemakede

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:29 AM

My parents have slept in separate rooms for about 10 years now, my dad snores like he's trying to demolish the house (though mums hearing is so bad now she can't hear him), and mum has some health issues so is always up and down through the night. She takes the room closest to the living areas so she doesn't wake anyone else up. Has worked great for them, they both now dread when they are away and have to share a bed, they prefer the space.

I spend more time at my parents over night to help them, than I do sleeping in the bed with my other half (not that there's much sleeping at the same time he works nights) and quite enjoy having a bed to myself, and also having a whole other house to go to when he's giving me the irrits. We have a better relationship all round than I had with my ex who took offence to me even staying up later than him, let alone sleeping in a separate bed.

I don't really think sleeping in the same bed = death knell for the marriage, there's so many other variables.

#20 Maple Leaf

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:30 AM

Dh and I generally sleep apart now. He suffers from insomnia off and on and there is no way I feel like dealing with that!

It works better for both of us.

#21 MarigoldMadge

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:31 AM

when we renovate and will finally have a spare room, I'm definitely going to sleep there 3-4 nights a week.

My husband tosses and turns all night, scratches all night, often wakes up at 3,4am, and invariable wakes me up. He's also a cuddler, and I'm not - most nights I end up perched on the side of the bed as I subconsciously move away, but then he moves too in his sleep.... so I end up pinned on the edge, with a twitching husband spooning my back, leg over my hip, pinning me there until I wake up and give him a massive shove back to his side... and then it starts all over again.

I'm so tired - he was away for two nights in December - made me realise how exhausted I was, and much quality sleep I'm missing out on. It will probably do wonders for our marriage, me less tired/resentful/irritated!

#22 No girls here

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:34 AM

It's a no from me.  I have sleeping problems and if I had to share a bed with DH every night I would probably start to resent him keeping me awake.

We have a spare bedroom, which I move into a few nights a week.  I nearly always start out in the same bed though, unless I am extremely tired or one of us is sick.  It was probably more frequent when DH used to snore every night.

#23 Feral timtam

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:35 AM

Whenever they had the room for it my PIL's have had separate rooms, FIL's clutter drives MIL spare! She also has restless leg syndrome and is impossible to share a bed with. They're still going strong after 35 years of marriage.

My BIL and his wife share a bed every night, they've only been married a year and already their marriage is on the rocks. Their couch isn't very comfortable so they have to share that bed.

DH and I sleep together most nights but have options for when of us is not in the mood to share a bed or the situation calls for separate beds. We're experiencing a lot more marital harmony than BIL and his wife!

#24 zande

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:37 AM

DH and I have had separate rooms for years now, and our marriage is fine! I started occasionally sleeping in the spare room when I was pregnant as I must have started sleeping lighter and couldn't bear DH's snoring. Then babies and co-sleeping came along, and it went from there. We bought a new house last year that has enough bedrooms for me to have my own! I love it. DH and I have completely different night and morning routines, I would never get any sleep if we slept together.

#25 LittleRB

Posted 04 January 2013 - 11:38 AM

Depends on the circumstances.

I co-slept with DS. DH is a very heavy sleeper and when has a few beers before bed, he easily would have rolled over and crushed poor DS. So he slept in the spare room.

Also - he has back problems. When DH's back plays up, he sleeps on a futon in the lounge.

DH says he finds it harder to get out of bed on time when he has to start work early if he's in the bed with me because we snuggle and no one listens to the alarms. We've slept in several times doing this. Oops.

As long as you are still *ahem* doing the deed with your partner, love them e.t.c. I don't see the big issue.

I couldn't sleep permanently away from DH but I will admit it's soooooooooo nice having a queen size bed to yourself and stretching out like a starfish... original.gif

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