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Advice re ttc followig loved one's late loss?

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#1 Rachael2

Posted 01 January 2013 - 01:02 PM

I was looking for some advice. 6months ago my sister gave birth to her beautiful son who was born sleeping. My DH and I had been ttc for a year when my nephew passed away. I have 3 children and struggle to fall pregnant as I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies and now only one tube which is damaged. I stopped ttc when my nephew passed away as I didn't want to hurt my sister more as I knew me having my 4th baby would really upset her understandably. When I told her I was pregnant with my 3rd she was very upset despite the fact it was 3years in the making and 4 early losses. I have a lap coming up (it has been booked since before my nephew was born to do dye studies to see if my remaining tube is opened. If its not the surgeon was going to remove my tube and IVF would be our only option to conceive which we would do in 2014. Now the problem I have is if I go ahead with the lap and dye I need to start ttc again straight away as this will be the most ideal time for me to conceive. Its pointless having my tube flushed if I am not going to ttc straight afterwards. So how do I go about it when I know my sister will be devastated? I want to protect her but realistically the only eay that will happen is if I dont have another child. I am happy to wait another year but my DH is not and my fertility is getting worse all the time (I have recurrent bacterial vaginosis which cause pelvic inflammatory disease which is why I have tubal damage in the first place) I just dont know what to do. Do I go ahead with our original plans or do I wait longer? If I wait longer will it be any better for my sister or not really? I imagine she will be upset and our relationship will suffer weather if occurs in 1yr or 5. Any advice is appreciated or what did others do when they were in this or a similar situation. My sister is unfortunately not able to fall pregnant again at this time so its been especially hard for her. She found out this medical condition caused her son to die and at the moment she is unaware if there is treatment available to help her carry another baby without the same thing happening. I have offered to be her surrogate if she is unable to carry another child due to this but until I have another child with my husband he would never agree (my 2eldest are to my first marriage) and we have 1 together who is 2.

#2 Handsfull

Posted 01 January 2013 - 01:21 PM

hugs to you all in this situation.  Such a terrible thing to happen to her and also for your whole family.

It is a tricky situation but also I think you have to view it as individuals as well.  Your sister has a medical condition which may preclude her from carrying another child and you have medical conditions which have a time limit so to speak.  However your medical conditions might also preclude you from carrying a child for her, depending on how your body goes.

Your sister with time will need to choose what path she travels and how she goes about it.  If you do surrogate for her I can understand your husband saying only when you have finished your own family together.  No matter what happens at the moment your sister is always going to feel her loss immensely and the pain will always be there, especially whether it be you or another family member who is pregnant.

If you go ahead and ttc after your procedure (yes the chances are better after dye injection) then yes she will be upset, probably very upset, but she also needs to understand you have time constraints on you as well and your lives cannot stop because of her loss.  You cannot walk on eggshells forever....

I've been on both sides and its tough.  But you also need to get on with life no matter what path it takes.

Edited by handsfull, 01 January 2013 - 01:22 PM.

#3 Fillyjonk

Posted 01 January 2013 - 02:18 PM

What a beautiful and compassionate woman you are OP. I am sorry, I don't have any advice for you but the fact that you would consider putting off TTC purely because of your sister's situation says a lot.

Personally, I would go ahead with TTC straight away, especially with the fertility issues that you have. However, I would have a heart to heart with your sister about what you are thinking and how you really don't want to hurt or upset her but with the odds against you, you need to take every opportunity you can. Hopefully with the heads up, it will be easier for her to cope with your *fingers crossed* pregnancy and will not affect your relationship so much.

#4 flyingfree

Posted 01 January 2013 - 02:21 PM

Coming from someone who has lost babies every pregnancy annoucnement is hard but we have just be happy for the pregnant lady and hope they have a successful pregnancy.

Of course your sister is going to be upset when you fall pregnancy and even maybe jealous but she will also be happy and excited (overtime) a new family member will be added to the family.

I would go ahead with your original plans and TTC soon especailly if you are having troubles TTC and if you have a good relationship with your sister gently inform her of what is happening so she can prepare herself.

Take her lead on your pregnancy when you fall and don't shut her out but include her on the level she wants to be included depending on where she is in her grief and healing  and please make sure you are the one to tell her of your pregnancy it hurts so much hearing from other people (I found out my SIL to be was pregnant through a message from my SIL on FB)

#5 Rachael2

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

Thank you for your replies. I think I may try and see if I can put my surgery off for a few months to avoid any potential classes with my nephews anniversaries. Then I guess I will ttc again. I honestly don't think I will get pregnant again (seeing as I didnt in the year we were trying before hand and have had the 2 worst cases of BV in the last 6months I have ever had) I hope I am wrong but I just have this feeling IVF will be our only hope. I had my last lap in 2009 which helped me conceive my DD in 2010 and I think 2.5years has been along time for the damage to spread.

I may mention it to my sister next time it gets brought up that we will ttc again this year. She is well aware of my fertility issues from when I was ttc my 3rd and that I was ttc after DD. After her son died she told me she is dreading future pregnancy announcements and how hurt she will be. When I was ttc my 3rd which took almost 3years I remember how shattered I was with every pregnant belly and pregnancy/birth or ttc announcement. I hate the thought that out of everyone to get pregnant I am going to hurt her more then anyone. Although obviously if I were to be her surrogate I would have to have another child first I am sure she will feel me carrying a child for her if it comes to that will be even further away. I'm abit worried about the surrogate bit but obviously will happily do it if it means my sister has the chance to have a living child. Her eggs are fine its a blood disorder which will cause her to loose her babies. My fertility issues seem to only affect me getting pregnant. I should be able to carry a baby for her and another for myself its the getting pregnant part that is the problem. My sister fell pregnant 2nd month trying so I assume she has good eggs.

#6 Holidayromp

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:42 PM

Whilst everything that has happened is sad - life must go on.  I would carry on ttc because your fertile time is finite plus you don't know if you are going to fall pregnant straight away.  They don't  need to know that you are actively ttc either.

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