Jump to content

Advice re ttc followig loved one's late loss?

  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 Rachael2

Posted 01 January 2013 - 01:02 PM

I was looking for some advice. 6months ago my sister gave birth to her beautiful son who was born sleeping. My DH and I had been ttc for a year when my nephew passed away. I have 3 children and struggle to fall pregnant as I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies and now only one tube which is damaged. I stopped ttc when my nephew passed away as I didn't want to hurt my sister more as I knew me having my 4th baby would really upset her understandably. When I told her I was pregnant with my 3rd she was very upset despite the fact it was 3years in the making and 4 early losses. I have a lap coming up (it has been booked since before my nephew was born to do dye studies to see if my remaining tube is opened. If its not the surgeon was going to remove my tube and IVF would be our only option to conceive which we would do in 2014. Now the problem I have is if I go ahead with the lap and dye I need to start ttc again straight away as this will be the most ideal time for me to conceive. Its pointless having my tube flushed if I am not going to ttc straight afterwards. So how do I go about it when I know my sister will be devastated? I want to protect her but realistically the only eay that will happen is if I dont have another child. I am happy to wait another year but my DH is not and my fertility is getting worse all the time (I have recurrent bacterial vaginosis which cause pelvic inflammatory disease which is why I have tubal damage in the first place) I just dont know what to do. Do I go ahead with our original plans or do I wait longer? If I wait longer will it be any better for my sister or not really? I imagine she will be upset and our relationship will suffer weather if occurs in 1yr or 5. Any advice is appreciated or what did others do when they were in this or a similar situation. My sister is unfortunately not able to fall pregnant again at this time so its been especially hard for her. She found out this medical condition caused her son to die and at the moment she is unaware if there is treatment available to help her carry another baby without the same thing happening. I have offered to be her surrogate if she is unable to carry another child due to this but until I have another child with my husband he would never agree (my 2eldest are to my first marriage) and we have 1 together who is 2.

#2 Handsfull

Posted 01 January 2013 - 01:21 PM

hugs to you all in this situation.  Such a terrible thing to happen to her and also for your whole family.

It is a tricky situation but also I think you have to view it as individuals as well.  Your sister has a medical condition which may preclude her from carrying another child and you have medical conditions which have a time limit so to speak.  However your medical conditions might also preclude you from carrying a child for her, depending on how your body goes.

Your sister with time will need to choose what path she travels and how she goes about it.  If you do surrogate for her I can understand your husband saying only when you have finished your own family together.  No matter what happens at the moment your sister is always going to feel her loss immensely and the pain will always be there, especially whether it be you or another family member who is pregnant.

If you go ahead and ttc after your procedure (yes the chances are better after dye injection) then yes she will be upset, probably very upset, but she also needs to understand you have time constraints on you as well and your lives cannot stop because of her loss.  You cannot walk on eggshells forever....

I've been on both sides and its tough.  But you also need to get on with life no matter what path it takes.

Edited by handsfull, 01 January 2013 - 01:22 PM.

#3 Fillyjonk

Posted 01 January 2013 - 02:18 PM

What a beautiful and compassionate woman you are OP. I am sorry, I don't have any advice for you but the fact that you would consider putting off TTC purely because of your sister's situation says a lot.

Personally, I would go ahead with TTC straight away, especially with the fertility issues that you have. However, I would have a heart to heart with your sister about what you are thinking and how you really don't want to hurt or upset her but with the odds against you, you need to take every opportunity you can. Hopefully with the heads up, it will be easier for her to cope with your *fingers crossed* pregnancy and will not affect your relationship so much.

#4 flyingfree

Posted 01 January 2013 - 02:21 PM

Coming from someone who has lost babies every pregnancy annoucnement is hard but we have just be happy for the pregnant lady and hope they have a successful pregnancy.

Of course your sister is going to be upset when you fall pregnancy and even maybe jealous but she will also be happy and excited (overtime) a new family member will be added to the family.

I would go ahead with your original plans and TTC soon especailly if you are having troubles TTC and if you have a good relationship with your sister gently inform her of what is happening so she can prepare herself.

Take her lead on your pregnancy when you fall and don't shut her out but include her on the level she wants to be included depending on where she is in her grief and healing  and please make sure you are the one to tell her of your pregnancy it hurts so much hearing from other people (I found out my SIL to be was pregnant through a message from my SIL on FB)

#5 Rachael2

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

Thank you for your replies. I think I may try and see if I can put my surgery off for a few months to avoid any potential classes with my nephews anniversaries. Then I guess I will ttc again. I honestly don't think I will get pregnant again (seeing as I didnt in the year we were trying before hand and have had the 2 worst cases of BV in the last 6months I have ever had) I hope I am wrong but I just have this feeling IVF will be our only hope. I had my last lap in 2009 which helped me conceive my DD in 2010 and I think 2.5years has been along time for the damage to spread.

I may mention it to my sister next time it gets brought up that we will ttc again this year. She is well aware of my fertility issues from when I was ttc my 3rd and that I was ttc after DD. After her son died she told me she is dreading future pregnancy announcements and how hurt she will be. When I was ttc my 3rd which took almost 3years I remember how shattered I was with every pregnant belly and pregnancy/birth or ttc announcement. I hate the thought that out of everyone to get pregnant I am going to hurt her more then anyone. Although obviously if I were to be her surrogate I would have to have another child first I am sure she will feel me carrying a child for her if it comes to that will be even further away. I'm abit worried about the surrogate bit but obviously will happily do it if it means my sister has the chance to have a living child. Her eggs are fine its a blood disorder which will cause her to loose her babies. My fertility issues seem to only affect me getting pregnant. I should be able to carry a baby for her and another for myself its the getting pregnant part that is the problem. My sister fell pregnant 2nd month trying so I assume she has good eggs.

#6 Holidayromp

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:42 PM

Whilst everything that has happened is sad - life must go on.  I would carry on ttc because your fertile time is finite plus you don't know if you are going to fall pregnant straight away.  They don't  need to know that you are actively ttc either.

1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users


How a raisin can predict a toddler's IQ

All you need to assess a child's future intelligence is a plastic cup and a raisin, according to new research.

Kate Walsh: 'I can't have kids'

Grey's Anatomy star Kate Walsh has revealed she is unable to have children because she has experienced early menopause.

The parasite that could boost fertility

The Tsimane women of Bolivia are often revered as among the most fertile in the world - on average having 10 children in their lifetimes -- but some are even more fertile than others.

Family may sue cousin over genetics

A Melbourne couple is suing the Royal Children's Hospital for failing to diagnose a genetic disorder in their first child - an error they allege caused them to have another child with severe disabilities.

Strange things mums have done in labour

While most women in labour focus on the upcoming birth of their baby, some women do more interesting things.

Michael Clarke reveals baby's name

When Michael Clarke said he was wrapped around the finger of his little princess, he wasn't joking.

The logistics of breastfeeding twins

Our life is more or less divided into neat four hour parcels of time and it's hard to get much of anything done in the time between feeds.

How to stop people ruining Christmas

We can make a conscious effort about how we react to those curly Christmas day scenarios that can send us up the wall, or should we say chimney.

Lots of formula offers for desperate mum

The mum who was down to her last three tins of baby formula said she had received hundreds of calls and offers to send her formula.

Surviving breast cancer while pregnant

It was last thing Rebecca O'Donnell expected at 30 weeks' pregnant. One morning, while putting on her bra, she felt a pea-sized lump in her right breast.

Cot sheet brands for the nursery

With so many awesome cot sheet options these days, we thought we'd put together a list of go-to brands for you to seek out for your baby's bed.

The Bugaboo by Diesel Denim launch

Essential Baby attended the launch and it got messy!

Father's letter to Bataclan terrorists

A grieving father whose wife was killed in the attacks on the Bataclan Theatre last weekend has written an open letter to her killers.

Adele's new song to sing along to

Singer follows up success of Hello with new belting ballad When We Were Young.

Major retailers restrict formula sales

Coles and Woolworths have imposed tighter buying bans on baby formula amid a shortage blamed on Chinese consumers.

Three-year-old breaks family's news

If you are three-years-old and an only child, then news doesn't get much bigger than this.

Swapped babies stay with families

A boy and girl accidentally swapped on the day they were born will stay with the families who have raised them, a South African court has ruled.

How life is different with three kids

I knew having a third child would alter our lives, but it's had so many impacts - both tiny and enormous.


What's hot on EB

Win one of two ABC Shop prize packs in time for Christmas

What a boon it would be to have your toddler's Christmas gifts covered this year. We have two awesome ABC Shop prize packs to give away to two lucky winners.

Beautiful 'now and then' images of premature babies

They are stunning photos that the parents of these beautiful no doubt feared they may never see.

Physios warn pregnant women not to crunch like Michelle Bridges

Experts are urging pregnant women not to do exactly as Michelle Bridges does when exercising, or they risk developing rectus abdominus diastasis.

Penny-pinching supermarket shoppers switching in droves

Half of Australia thinks it can get cheaper groceries by switching supermarkets, and about one in four of us have already switched.

Baby breastfed by wrong mother after hospital mix up

A newborn baby has been breastfed by a stranger after a NSW hospital bungled the identities of two newborns, devastating one mother and potentially exposing the newborn to health risks.

Nurses invent skin to skin c-section drape

The determination of three US nurses to provide immediate skin to skin contact to mothers delivering their babies by caesarean section has led to the invention of a unique surgical drape.

Baby's first photo shoot features a special guest

You can always be sure of a few things not entirely going to plan during a newborn shoot – little accidents are almost par for the course – but this shoot was memorable for a whole other reason.

We are not the family you think we are, I promise

Kids have a way of presenting a completely inaccurate impression of you, as parents, and as a family.

The hidden harm of foetal alcohol syndrome disorder

Experts believe many children diagnosed with ADHD might actually have FASD and that the number of people suffering from the condition across the country could be as high as 500,000.

Anaesthetist facing charges after ignoring woman's pain during caesarean

An anaesthetist could be punished after telling a woman enduring an "excruciating" painful C-section that she was not actually in pain.

When your baby starts life in NICU

Our daughters are finally home after spending nearly four weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at Wellington hospital.

How to save for a deposit while renting

As hard as it sounds, it is possible to save money when you rent, and certain things can be done to build a deposit faster.

Medications pregnant women should take, avoid, and think about

There are actually very few medications that must be absolutely avoided during pregnancy.

Paid parental leave uncertainty a growing concern

Eight months out from the due date of the government's PPL cut, some expectant parents are facing an uncertain time.

7 commandments of using the internet as a parent

What you need is careful, objective and repeatable science. Not anecdotes or old wives' tales, but data.

A rethink on screen ban for kids under two

With new guidelines being developed, the discouragement of use below two years of age is being revised.

10 things I want my wife to know

It's on those crazy days that I must remember to stop and let her know some things she needs to hear.

Better education about SIDS needed as deaths plateau

The number of sudden and unexpected deaths in infancy has decreased in NSW for the past 15 years but the most recent report into child deaths reveals the decline has plateaued.



Can't decide?

Check out the Essential Baby Names section for some inspiration

Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.