Jump to content

Advice re ttc followig loved one's late loss?


  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 Rachael2

Posted 01 January 2013 - 01:02 PM



I was looking for some advice. 6months ago my sister gave birth to her beautiful son who was born sleeping. My DH and I had been ttc for a year when my nephew passed away. I have 3 children and struggle to fall pregnant as I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies and now only one tube which is damaged. I stopped ttc when my nephew passed away as I didn't want to hurt my sister more as I knew me having my 4th baby would really upset her understandably. When I told her I was pregnant with my 3rd she was very upset despite the fact it was 3years in the making and 4 early losses. I have a lap coming up (it has been booked since before my nephew was born to do dye studies to see if my remaining tube is opened. If its not the surgeon was going to remove my tube and IVF would be our only option to conceive which we would do in 2014. Now the problem I have is if I go ahead with the lap and dye I need to start ttc again straight away as this will be the most ideal time for me to conceive. Its pointless having my tube flushed if I am not going to ttc straight afterwards. So how do I go about it when I know my sister will be devastated? I want to protect her but realistically the only eay that will happen is if I dont have another child. I am happy to wait another year but my DH is not and my fertility is getting worse all the time (I have recurrent bacterial vaginosis which cause pelvic inflammatory disease which is why I have tubal damage in the first place) I just dont know what to do. Do I go ahead with our original plans or do I wait longer? If I wait longer will it be any better for my sister or not really? I imagine she will be upset and our relationship will suffer weather if occurs in 1yr or 5. Any advice is appreciated or what did others do when they were in this or a similar situation. My sister is unfortunately not able to fall pregnant again at this time so its been especially hard for her. She found out this medical condition caused her son to die and at the moment she is unaware if there is treatment available to help her carry another baby without the same thing happening. I have offered to be her surrogate if she is unable to carry another child due to this but until I have another child with my husband he would never agree (my 2eldest are to my first marriage) and we have 1 together who is 2.



#2 Handsfull

Posted 01 January 2013 - 01:21 PM

hugs to you all in this situation.  Such a terrible thing to happen to her and also for your whole family.

It is a tricky situation but also I think you have to view it as individuals as well.  Your sister has a medical condition which may preclude her from carrying another child and you have medical conditions which have a time limit so to speak.  However your medical conditions might also preclude you from carrying a child for her, depending on how your body goes.

Your sister with time will need to choose what path she travels and how she goes about it.  If you do surrogate for her I can understand your husband saying only when you have finished your own family together.  No matter what happens at the moment your sister is always going to feel her loss immensely and the pain will always be there, especially whether it be you or another family member who is pregnant.

If you go ahead and ttc after your procedure (yes the chances are better after dye injection) then yes she will be upset, probably very upset, but she also needs to understand you have time constraints on you as well and your lives cannot stop because of her loss.  You cannot walk on eggshells forever....

I've been on both sides and its tough.  But you also need to get on with life no matter what path it takes.

Edited by handsfull, 01 January 2013 - 01:22 PM.


#3 Fillyjonk

Posted 01 January 2013 - 02:18 PM

What a beautiful and compassionate woman you are OP. I am sorry, I don't have any advice for you but the fact that you would consider putting off TTC purely because of your sister's situation says a lot.

Personally, I would go ahead with TTC straight away, especially with the fertility issues that you have. However, I would have a heart to heart with your sister about what you are thinking and how you really don't want to hurt or upset her but with the odds against you, you need to take every opportunity you can. Hopefully with the heads up, it will be easier for her to cope with your *fingers crossed* pregnancy and will not affect your relationship so much.






#4 flyingfree

Posted 01 January 2013 - 02:21 PM

Coming from someone who has lost babies every pregnancy annoucnement is hard but we have just be happy for the pregnant lady and hope they have a successful pregnancy.

Of course your sister is going to be upset when you fall pregnancy and even maybe jealous but she will also be happy and excited (overtime) a new family member will be added to the family.

I would go ahead with your original plans and TTC soon especailly if you are having troubles TTC and if you have a good relationship with your sister gently inform her of what is happening so she can prepare herself.

Take her lead on your pregnancy when you fall and don't shut her out but include her on the level she wants to be included depending on where she is in her grief and healing  and please make sure you are the one to tell her of your pregnancy it hurts so much hearing from other people (I found out my SIL to be was pregnant through a message from my SIL on FB)

#5 Rachael2

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:37 PM

Thank you for your replies. I think I may try and see if I can put my surgery off for a few months to avoid any potential classes with my nephews anniversaries. Then I guess I will ttc again. I honestly don't think I will get pregnant again (seeing as I didnt in the year we were trying before hand and have had the 2 worst cases of BV in the last 6months I have ever had) I hope I am wrong but I just have this feeling IVF will be our only hope. I had my last lap in 2009 which helped me conceive my DD in 2010 and I think 2.5years has been along time for the damage to spread.

I may mention it to my sister next time it gets brought up that we will ttc again this year. She is well aware of my fertility issues from when I was ttc my 3rd and that I was ttc after DD. After her son died she told me she is dreading future pregnancy announcements and how hurt she will be. When I was ttc my 3rd which took almost 3years I remember how shattered I was with every pregnant belly and pregnancy/birth or ttc announcement. I hate the thought that out of everyone to get pregnant I am going to hurt her more then anyone. Although obviously if I were to be her surrogate I would have to have another child first I am sure she will feel me carrying a child for her if it comes to that will be even further away. I'm abit worried about the surrogate bit but obviously will happily do it if it means my sister has the chance to have a living child. Her eggs are fine its a blood disorder which will cause her to loose her babies. My fertility issues seem to only affect me getting pregnant. I should be able to carry a baby for her and another for myself its the getting pregnant part that is the problem. My sister fell pregnant 2nd month trying so I assume she has good eggs.

#6 Holidayromp

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:42 PM

Whilst everything that has happened is sad - life must go on.  I would carry on ttc because your fertile time is finite plus you don't know if you are going to fall pregnant straight away.  They don't  need to know that you are actively ttc either.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Postnatal depression and the feelings that scare mums most

"I was shocked and horrified that I'd had this thought. That's not me."

A toddler’s step-by-step guide to avoiding bedtime

How many of these tactics does your toddler employ at bedtime?

Melbourne - get your FREE tickets!

Register now for your free ticket (valued at $20) for the Melbourne Essential Baby & Toddler Show, presented by Blackmores.

The great toddler chase: every pregnant mum's nightmare

This is the funniest photo ever. We've all been there!

Would you do this to your baby in a carseat?

One mum looked that fear in the face and shared how important it is to think about adjusting the straps on our kids' car seats.

The secret to fitness after having a baby

It turns out that taking a more flexible approach might be the best way to make it happen.

Frustrated mum's genius plan to stop dinner time battles

Hands up who is sick and tired of cooking dinner for their kids every night only to have them complain about what's on their plate.

Photo shoot captures the dirty work of parenting

What do you do when you want a sweet maternity shoot but it just won't stop raining?

Could this simple thing help you avoid the 'baby blues'?

Researchers are now looking at whether the nutrients you ingest after giving birth can help reduce your likelihood of developing the baby blues.

We face more judgement than our mums did, study finds

We're judged more than our mums were - science says so.

As a mum, it's hard to ask for help. And that needs to change

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I started feeling ill a couple of days ago but battled on, as we do.

Why I don't care about your gender reveal

So you're having a baby? That's great, babies are awesome.

Dad's simple baby soothing hack

When this dad's baby wouldn't stop crying he took matters into his own hands. He also recorded what he did to let other people in on the simple hack and now it's going viral.

Husband gives birth after his wife was unable to fall pregnant

After his wife struggled to conceive, transgender man Chris Rehs-Dupin decided to give it a go.

10 things I thought about motherhood before I actually became a mum

Everyone is a parenting expert until they have kids – right?

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

From our network

Win 1 of 10 awesome Peppa Pig prize packs

Who loves Peppa? We have 10 packs to give away - including family passes to see the brand new movie, in cinemas March 16!

Essential Baby & Toddler Show, presented by Blackmores

28th - 30th April, 2017, Melbourne Royal Exhibition Building, Carlton. Get your FREE ticket now. Save $20.

 

Free ticket offer

Essential Baby & Toddler Show, presented by Blackmores

28th - 30th April, 2017, Melbourne Royal Exhibition Building, Carlton. Get your FREE ticket now. Save $20.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.