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#1 ~vic~

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:05 PM

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Edited by ~vic~, 23 February 2014 - 06:42 PM.


#2 Unatheowl

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:09 PM

Im not sure I understand why you feel so guilty.  How does your sister feel?  Does she care?  Have you hurt her somehow?

#3 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:11 PM

Why do you feel guilty? For ending up in a relationship with him?

Are you insecure about the fact they've been together? Are you happy with him now or are you having other issues presently and have realised that you wouldn't have gotten together with him, had you had the hindsight you have now?

#4 rainycat

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:13 PM

Everybody has a past.
Why would anyone have to know something that happened 16 years ago.  It is ancient history.
Perhaps it is a lot bigger in your mind that it should be because of your depression.  Do you have anyone (professional) that you can talk with to help you deal with it?

Good luck.

#5 ~vic~

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:22 PM

Thanks for your nice comments ladies xxxx. My sister said it did bother her back then but got over it and is very happy we found each other but still I feel bad for ever doing it.  I think it is affecting me more than it should because of the depression.  I know 16 years on I should move on but can't help but dwell on my past which is not getting me anywhere I know.

#6 copham

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:23 PM

My FIL was with my MIL's sister in a relationship for a year, they ended up ending it and he started seeing MIL a year later. They have now been married for 30+ years and have 4 children and no one cares or brings it up even though the whole family knows about it. It's in the past and they are both happily married to other people. Don't feel guilty about it OP even if people knew they wouldn't care.

#7 ~vic~

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:28 PM

Thanks for that EHB.  Nice to hear from someone in a similar situation x.

#8 cattivo lupo

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:34 PM

There are a few relationships like that in our extended family too.  My mum has 4 brothers and 4 sisters, and one brother went out with the woman his brother ended up marrying, and one of the sisters married her sisters boyfriend.  All good, and they all laugh over the ancient history of their giddy youth  original.gif .

#9 affectiion

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:48 PM

I dated my fiance's best best friend before we got together not long afterwards.

I'm not proud of it, but it happened. We don't regret the fact we're together, not for a second. Every second of me thinking about 'what everyone must think' has been worth it. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how it started, what matters is you're together now. Don't let the doubts overrun your mind- it could drive you crazy. 6 years later, the only one who remembers how we started dating is me, and frankly, with how happy I am now, I can live with it Tounge1.gif

#10 JustBeige

Posted 31 December 2012 - 03:56 PM

QUOTE (~vic~ @ 31/12/2012, 04:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks for your nice comments ladies xxxx. My sister said it did bother her back then but got over it and is very happy we found each other but still I feel bad for ever doing it. I think it is affecting me more than it should because of the depression. I know 16 years on I should move on but can't help but dwell on my past which is not getting me anywhere I know.

Yeah I think it is too (bit in bold)

Are you getting counselling as part of your treatment for your depression OP?  If not, then I think it would really help as you can talk about everything involved in what happened back then and they can give you tools to help you move past your guilt.


As PP said, everyone has a past.  everyone has a OMG *cringe* moment when they look back at their life and its perfectly normal.   Learning from this experience is what life is truly about.

#11 BadCat

Posted 31 December 2012 - 04:34 PM

These sorts of things are more common than you imagine.  My second brother is married to a woman our oldest brother slept with before him.  I slept with my DH's best friend before I got together with DH.  The guy was best man at our wedding.

Perhaps a counsellor can help you move on..

#12 lucky 2

Posted 31 December 2012 - 04:48 PM

QUOTE
I shouldn't have let myself fall for him out of respect for my sister
.
You were 16 yo, 16 yo's don't have that much control over who they fall for, do they?
As for respect, there are a lot of things I shouldn't have done (but did) when I was young but I don't see it as being disrespectful as such, just impulsive and some questionable decision making on my part, which is pretty normal for that age.
Respect is a pretty heavy word, what does it mean to you? I think it can mean different things in different situations.
I hope you can lend an ear to your 16 yo self and give her a big hug.
There isn't one proper way to start a long term relationship, if there was then none of my previous or my current relationships should have happened.

#13 Lishyfips

Posted 31 December 2012 - 04:56 PM

Dear Vic, I had PND after my second baby. I would lie awake at night dredging up memories from years earlier - nothing happy, just things that made me feel bad about myself. Old, irrelevant things that in retrospect are just absurd. I would mentally draft letters of apology to the mothers of boyfriends from fifteen years earlier; I'd feel extreme shame and embarrassment over long ago situations with boys that were just part of growing up. I felt like such a rotten person, and I'd torment myself by ruminating over the past to find more evidence of my crapness.
Look, the thing is - it's not you, it's the depression making you think this situation from the past is so terrible. Please get some help with it. I found mindfulness to be extremely helpful - learning to switch off unhelpful ruminating thoughts at times.
Good luck to you. I really sympathise with how you're feeling and hope soon you can look back and see you have nothing at all to be ashamed of.
(By the way, my sister married a guy who was with my other sister first. All ancient history for everyone. None of them did anything wrong in anyone's eyes.)

#14 Maple Leaf

Posted 31 December 2012 - 06:36 PM

Dh's brother dated M for awhile, it didn't work out and then ended up marrying M's sister. No one mentions it or cares.

#15 luke's mummu

Posted 02 January 2013 - 07:18 PM

DH's uncles first wife died. Her sister moved in 6 weeks after her death. They have never gotten married, but have been partners for about 15 years now. Everyone in the family just seems to accept it as "oh well he could have done worse, at least we know her, and know her family background."




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