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Privacy in a relationship.
Trust or not to trust?

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#1 PurpleWitch

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:29 PM

I was reading a thread the other day and I was struck with how many women go through their SO's phone and have their email passwords and fb passwords.

I never went through my husbands phone or fb. It had nothing to do with trust! I just didn't see the need.

What's the deal? Is it a trust issue? Or something else?

#2 Single.mum.nz

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:34 PM

Convienance in my case...

We knew passwords as occasionally needed to check for the other... The one day I snooped (call it gut instincts) I found out about the latest affair (3rd), he left 2 hours later. When and if I am in a relationship again I worry about my level of trust.

#3 bikingbubs

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:35 PM

No idea, I dont feel the need to either.  If I really wanted to I could log into his email etc as I know the password for our joint stuff

#4 Expelliarmus

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:37 PM

I never saw the need. Until I had a reason not to trust him.


So now I try and trust but without the passwords/codes it's actually quite difficult. So I try not to care.

#5 Daisy Chain

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:45 PM

I know all of Dhs passwords as I have to set everything up for him. (Technically Challenged).  But I have never had the need to go looking for anything.

#6 beakie

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:45 PM

We don't touch each others phones unless we've been asked too. No Facebook, and shared email. I won't even go into DPs wallet looking for money unless I ask him, I'd usually just hand it to him. I think this is common courtesy pretty much. Just because we're together does not negate the right to privacy. Same goes for the kids going through my handbag without asking etc. not on.
I think if you have to look at phones, emails etc there are probably other issues (trust) at play.

#7 Fenrir

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:47 PM

From my own anecdata(from here, magazines, friends conversations etc) there doesn't seem to be the need to have that information unless there is something that creates that need IYKWIM

Some women are inherently suspicious and need to have it in order to fulfil the trust.

What I DO see a lot of is that for a woman to expect access to her partners email/phone is not seen as something out of the ordinary but for a man to expect the same thing is seen as controlling, invasive and abusive.

DH and I have no secrets. We know each others passwords and can demand access at any time for any reason. We do not feel the need to check up on each other and have nothing to hide.

#8 bambiigrrl

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:50 PM

i have dhs password for email cause ive had to check for him sometimes, but i dont go log into his account, there would be nothing intresting there! lol I dont know his facebook password and he doesnt know mine but thats cause we both would probaly hack in to each others accounts and put up status updates like "gee i have a wonderful wife, shes truely something special and i dont appreciate her enough" lol
I dont go through his phone cause i do trust my husband compleatly and there would not be anything intresting on there either!

Sounds like if you do make a habit of doing that then maybe thre is a trust issue..

#9 Kitty Fantastico

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:52 PM

I don't go through DH's phone, I have no need to, but he wouldn't be upset if I looked through it for a phone number or something. However I do usually ask, as a respect thing.

Email, well we both have the same passwords. I've never needed to log into his email, but I could if I needed to for banking etc.

DH has a fb account, only because he kept using mine to see what friends were up to. I know the password because I set it up for him, but I don't go into it because there's probably nothing to see there.

#10 JRA

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:54 PM

QUOTE (PurpleWitch @ 30/12/2012, 12:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was reading a thread the other day and I was struck with how many women go through their SO's phone and have their email passwords and fb passwords.

I never went through my husbands phone or fb. It had nothing to do with trust! I just didn't see the need.

What's the deal? Is it a trust issue? Or something else?

We tend to have most emails set up on most computer devices, so by default we see most of each others mail. Simply because that is more convenient, I only look at his mail if he needs me to search through it, or I need to find details of a bill to pay

Thankfully I can't imagine being in a relationship where I had such trust issues that I would feel the need to do the "checking of phone or email".  It must be so hard to live that way

#11 Tired Feral too

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:54 PM

What is the saying " once burnt , twice shy"?
I think that once you have had your trust broken it is hard to trust again even if it is a new person. Having the passwords, etc means that if you are concerned you can check and there is no need to snoop as it is out in the open. It does also mean that the other person/ partner is more careful as they know that their partner has access.

Giving each other passwords can be a means of creating trust when trust has been previously broken. Just because the other person/ partner has the passwords does not mean that they ever check. If they do not have any concerns then they may never look.

I have also heard that having your partners passwords, etc can be helpful when your partner gets sick or dies as you can put notes on or cancel accounts such as email addresses and facebook.

#12 Cyaira

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:55 PM

I know all DP's passwords but have never felt the need to snoop or anything like that. It wouldn't really matter if I did because there's nothing there I don't know about, sometimes I check his email/Facebook/phone for him and vice versa. We trust each other very much.

#13 nothing123

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:56 PM

QUOTE (Single.mum.nz @ 30/12/2012, 12:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Convienance in my case...

We knew passwords as occasionally needed to check for the other... The one day I snooped (call it gut instincts) I found out about the latest affair (3rd), he left 2 hours later. When and if I am in a relationship again I worry about my level of trust.

Same here.  First time I snooped I found a sexually explicit text he'd just sent to another woman.  I don't know what made me check.

It was the beginning of the end for us and the next 2 years together were hell because I couldn't trust him.

#14 Maple Leaf

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:57 PM

They have probably been burnt in the past and have trust issues. If there is nothing to find, nothing to worry about I suppose and each time they snoop and find nothing, it probably makes them feel better? I find that people that snoop it's usually the last relationship that messed them up and caused them to snoop with their current one. Tough habit to break.

Dh and I know each others passwords as the apple account is in his name and he has set up my email. So not a big deal with us.

#15 nothing123

Posted 30 December 2012 - 12:58 PM

QUOTE (JRA @ 30/12/2012, 12:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thankfully I can't imagine being in a relationship where I had such trust issues that I would feel the need to do the "checking of phone or email".  It must be so hard to live that way

It's hard when you feel you have to live that way.  When someone puts you in the position of being suspicious of everything they do.  It's something close to pure torture.

#16 SeaPrincess

Posted 30 December 2012 - 01:02 PM

QUOTE (Beautiful Warlock @ 30/12/2012, 10:47 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DH and I have no secrets. We know each others passwords and can demand access at any time for any reason. We do not feel the need to check up on each other and have nothing to hide.

This.  DH is so unimaginative that all his passwords are the same but I don't feel any need to check his emails or anything.  He uses my bank login if he ever does any banking but he has to call me for it every time. All my emails come directly onto our home computer, so he can see them anytime.  Our phones both sync with the computer so we have all the same contacts.  We haven't got anything to hide from each other.

#17 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 30 December 2012 - 01:11 PM

I know all his passwords, we share phones as needed, there's no issue with any of it.

However it is such a non-issue because there's nothing to hide.  He's not going to see anything in my emails, texts or FB that is hidden deliberately--well some of my FB chats would not thrill him wink.gif.

We very rarely go into each other's stuff though, it only happens when the other asks because there is a need.  He's actually pathologically private about my online privacy which can be annoying.  JUST OPEN THE UNPASSWORD PROTECTED GMAIL AND FIND THE EMAIL AND TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW! wink.gif.

#18 MooGuru

Posted 30 December 2012 - 01:13 PM

I have been known to snoop occasionally but it hasn't been to catch DH or past partners out. I 'm just insanely nosy whereas DH isn't, so say on FB, DH is friends with people I'm not (because I don't know them) and he'll mention something that posted on FB but no further information because he's not interested at all whereas I'm practically falling over myself wanting to find out more.

I don't know if that counts?!

#19 Hayleymumof3

Posted 30 December 2012 - 01:14 PM

Dh and I share the same email address(his email) but I rarely look at it.  I actually almost missed a job interview because I so rarely look at it.  I know the code to unlock his phone never use it.  He has mine but never uses it.  I have no idea what his facebook password is but I am sure he knows mine but never uses it.

I trust him I have no need to read his emails, his text messages or his facebook messages.

#20 DontKnow2015

Posted 30 December 2012 - 01:34 PM

We know all the passwords.

We have a shared home email account which he reads to catch up on the gossip from the family as such.  Both families tend to send personal emails home and will only send stuff to work if involves practical things like arrangements.

Like others here we have IPADs and phones set up to access email so it would be easy to look at his work email...

I don't tend to look other than to help DH with obtaining information that he asks/needs me too...

I have known friends who have been through an affair that have made it a condition that they have access to all the passwords etc....  Yes people can go set up another account but for some of them it was important that the partner who cheated be open to increased scrutiny while they decided whether or not to rebuild the relationship...

#21 123tree

Posted 30 December 2012 - 01:50 PM

I open all my husband's mail.  He was always forgetting to pay bills, file imported letters etc.  It was a disaster we were getting charged late fees and fines etc.

I don't have my own email address so we just share.

He doesn't care and I don't care.  The second he asks me to stop I will.

#22 Sancti-mummy

Posted 30 December 2012 - 01:55 PM

I cannot imagine being in that position, but I really feel for all of those who have had their trust compromised so much by actions of others in the past that they need this level of security - all that double-guessing would do my head in.

DH and I have had a lot of conversations regarding this, and we both know that any form of cheating is a dealbreaker on either side of the fence.

That being said, I don't have his passwords, he doesn't have mine, I never look through his phone nor he mine, we don't snoop on each others facebooks/forums/emails - it wouldn't cross my mind to do so.  And I am so glad that it doesn't.

#23 back*again

Posted 30 December 2012 - 02:00 PM

I absolutely trust DH.....but if I'm really bored (like if we're doing a 6h drive) and his phone is handy I might have a snoop through the messages, and I usually end up sending some oddly homo-errotic messages to his friends from his phone.  I have his FB password, but I don't snoop there (I guess it's never handy when I'm bored).  He has a work email account, which I have no access to, but no 'home' email account

#24 *Lib*

Posted 30 December 2012 - 02:05 PM

In my first really serious relationship I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He never gave me a reason not to I just didn't. I guess it was insecurity? I was with him from 17-21. I used to snoop through everything. Never found anything. This was pre FB and regular use of email.

With my now husband I guess I felt more secure. I've never ever snooped through his stuff. He got deported and left all his stuff at my house, and I didn't go anywhere near it. I dont know his passwords to his email or FB. I don't need to. I've never been through his phone. Ever.

So I'd say its down to self confidence and security of the relationship. Although my first relationship I felt secure.....I really don't know!!

#25 Soontobegran

Posted 30 December 2012 - 02:06 PM

I don't know my DH's password to his email account, nor does he know mine.
I have never picked up his mobile to check who he has rung or messaged and he has not checked mine either.
I do not feel the need, I trust that after all this time we know each other well enough and respect each other enough to realise that some things should be private.

I do know his PIN number to his CC but he is aware of this :-)

I have never checked my kids FB, emails, diaries etc either.

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