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Birthday party angst
trivial, i know


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#1 Scarlett O

Posted 29 December 2012 - 01:20 PM

DS and i were quite hurt recently when ds was not invited to his friend's birthday party. This is the first time this has happened. Ds is 6. We are part of a small group that meets at the playground every friday after school. Mums and kids. The kids are in the same class at school. It appears that everyone else in the group was invited, they all talked about what a great party it was the following friday in front of me! Until the mum of the birthday boy started shushing everyone while looking at me.

Anyway DS' birthday is coming up in a couple of months and DS says he doesn't want to invite that boy. Understandable, I feel the same. I just wonder though if I will look petty and childish to the other mums though. It will be very noticeable, as as it is quite a tight group. Ds doesnt really have friends outside of that group. I know this is a silly thing to get stressed about, but i am ridiculously over sensitive and suffer from anxiety. I didnt have many friends before this and was so happy to be part of this group. This birthday thing really threw me for a loop, i'm so upset about it and cant stop thinking about it. (Dumb, i know). Also, all the kids will be in the same class in 2013, so i will be seeing these people all the time.

What would you do????

(Sorry for any errors - sent from my phone).

Edited by Mamma_mia, 29 December 2012 - 01:30 PM.


#2 mrsvee

Posted 29 December 2012 - 01:25 PM

I think invite him and be the bigger person esp if you can convince you son to invite him, I know it is hurtful and maybe you can ask her why he wasn't invited as in is it a behaviour thing etc. I have a child who is quite popular but isnt always invited to things and have explained that sometimes there are number limits and parties can be expensive, otherwise maybe ask him to choose two or so close friends and go to a movie and lunch rather than do a whole party thing and then do a cake at the park with the other friends.

#3 SplashingRainbows

Posted 29 December 2012 - 02:19 PM

I would be encouraging my son to invite him.

Acknowledge his feelings but encourage him to be the bigger person.

#4 Baggy

Posted 29 December 2012 - 02:19 PM



I'd definitely be tempted not to invite him - but I wouldn't want to play in to petty games. If you are going to invite everyone else then invite him too and try not to worry about the party you weren't invited to. Pretend it never happened and just be the bigger person.

Or if your DS really doesn't want him there then maybe have a smaller party with only a couple of friends?



#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 29 December 2012 - 03:03 PM

I wouldn't bother inviting him if your DS doesn't want to.

#6 LittleRB

Posted 29 December 2012 - 03:10 PM

Wouldn't bother inviting him either if your DS has specifically asked.

If it is"very noticeable" when you don't invite this child to your DS' party, it should have been "very noticeable" when he was not invited to the other child's party. Not sure why you didn't even get an explanation if the children/parents are part of a tight knit group.

I understand the not getting an invite part, but the mum could have at least told you why considering you hang out every Friday.

#7 Phascogale

Posted 29 December 2012 - 03:26 PM

As much as you may want to be the bigger person, chances are that if you invite the boy your son will have a miserable time for his birthday.

I'd probably encourage a small party ie 2-3 kids.  You can see a movie or just have a special dinner with them.

If you invite the whole class then you probably do need to invite him.

Do you know why your child wasn't invited?  Did any of the other mums tell you?

#8 MrsWidget

Posted 29 December 2012 - 03:34 PM

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 29/12/2012, 04:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Don't play her game OP.  What she did was incredibly rude and hurtful.  Invite the boy.  Assuming your son gets along with this boy, I would explain it's rude not to invite everyone in the group.

This. Although I do understand how you and DS are feeling.


#9 beaglebaby

Posted 29 December 2012 - 03:42 PM

Your sons birthday isn't for a few months, a lot can change in that time, school will start again and DS will have forgotten about the party and it is quite likely the group dynamic will have changed.  Focus on having play dates with children your son likes over the holidays and don't stress about what to do until closer to his birthday.

FWIW for the most part I let my children choose who to invite to their parties, I'll just limit numbers so that there isn't ever just one or two people singled out to miss out.

#10 Arthur or Martha

Posted 29 December 2012 - 03:42 PM

...................

Edited by ambwrose, 07 September 2013 - 11:08 AM.


#11 Kreme

Posted 29 December 2012 - 03:47 PM

I understand completely why you are feeling the way you are, and why it is so tempting to follow your son's lead and not invite him.
But, it was unkind to exclude your son from the party and it would be unkind to exclude this little boy from your son's celebration. 2 wrongs don't make a right, and all that.
As parents it is our job to teach kids not to give in to the desire to retaliate. Be the bigger person OP and you'll feel better for it.

#12 Spa Gonk

Posted 29 December 2012 - 04:28 PM

Kids can't get invited to all parties and I would not make a big deal about him missing out.  I would be careful you are not projecting your own stuff onto him ( eg him feeling hurt ) and instead try and foster an attitude around it not mattering and there will be other parties.

If your son is good friends with him I would encourage an invite.  If your son only wants to exclude him because he was excluded, I think that is petty and would be trying to reframe it to him.  

My 6 yo has somewhat of a strong personality and has not been invited to several parties.  She invited who she wanted to hers as it was about who she wanted, not about keeping score.  And we have been to some parties where the kids were not invited to hers.  We just don't make a big deal out of not being invited.

Edited by chatem, 29 December 2012 - 05:38 PM.


#13 Gudrun

Posted 29 December 2012 - 05:35 PM

It's your son's party, it's for his pleasure.  He should choose who he wants to come within the number limit you set.   But it's not an immediate question anyway.  Every kid can't go to every party and that's something they learn.

Edited by Gudrun, 29 December 2012 - 05:36 PM.


#14 DontKnowDontCare

Posted 29 December 2012 - 06:19 PM

QUOTE
DS says he doesn't want to invite that boy


Assuming that is totally coming from him, that would be the deciding factor for me - if he still feels that way when his birthday comes around.

Then again, I don't go in for this "be the bigger person" crap.  All it usually means is you having to play nice to someone who couldn't give a crap about you.

QUOTE
Do you know why your child wasn't invited? Did any of the other mums tell you?


yes, did she?  Given her reaction to your discussion, I wonder if something's going on that you're unaware of.

Edited by RillyBilly, 29 December 2012 - 06:35 PM.


#15 mumto3princesses

Posted 29 December 2012 - 06:23 PM

It's his Birthday. I would make sure it's coming from him though and not a case of him feeling you were uncomfortable. I would also ask him why he doesn't want to invite him. If it was just because he wasn't invited to his or some other reason.

If he still doesn't want to invite him when you are ready to do the invitations then I wouldn't invite him. I would make sure he's not the only boy in the class not invited though.


#16 jo-v

Posted 29 December 2012 - 06:43 PM

I'm sorry you and your son were excluded OP, it also sounds like it was intentional which is really sad and mean of the other Mum.  Do you get along with her usually? Does your son play nicely with her DS or have there been problems between them?  I really hate when people purposefully exclude others for no reason, so childish and mean.

I wouldn't stress about your DS's party if it's not for a while, see how the land lies closer to the time and if the boys are getting along and your DS wants to invite him then do so.



#17 Scarlett O

Posted 29 December 2012 - 06:49 PM

Thanks for your replies. They seem to be getting on ok at the moment and were mates before this happened. I suspect ds will want to invite him closer to the time. He just hates missing out or being left out of things, so is being a bit stubborn about it, even though he still likes the other boy.

I hadn't fallen out with the mum and she and the other mums never said anything to me about it. even though they knew i knew. So it's a bit of a mystery. It was at their house, not one of those expensive play centres. dh thinks we shouldn't invite the boy, but he doesnt really care either way. I think i am more upset about this than DS !! I just need to let go of it. Thanks again.



#18 Holidayromp

Posted 29 December 2012 - 08:12 PM

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 29/12/2012, 04:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I wouldn't bother inviting him if your DS doesn't want to.


This.  Follow your son's cues.  It could well turn out that the boy did not like your son and it had nothing to do with cliques or 'playing games'.

#19 Holidayromp

Posted 29 December 2012 - 08:14 PM

Also don't buy into that crap either.  If your son wasn't invited don't invite the kid.  We had this exact same thing happen with DD and the little madam didn't invite DD out of pure spite (and she was the only girl that wasn't invited) so DD didn't invite her.  If the boy doesn't care or the mother doesn't care enough about your son then why force a relationship?  Maybe when they are older things may change but don't beat your head up against the wall about it.
Plus you have got no idea what is going on behind your back.

#20 ~BumbleBeeeee~

Posted 29 December 2012 - 08:21 PM

Have you approached any of them about why your little one wasn't invited?

Perhaps you could find out if it was the parents that did the inviting, or if it was their little boy who said not to? That might put it into perspective a little better, and give you an idea of what to do?

#21 Daisy Goat

Posted 29 December 2012 - 08:40 PM

For goodness sake why didn't you ask why your son was not invited.?  Given the supposed close knit group that meet once a week I would assume that this would be something you could ask.

I would actually be put out by the Mother of the child for not being mature enough to come and say to you prior to the party "look , my little Johnny seems to have had a falling out at the moment with your little Johnny so doesn't want to invite him to his party.  This has nothing to do with you and. I and our friendship just how little  boys behave. I am sure they will be friends again in a couple of weeks"

I am also a bit disgusted  that the  other friends said nothing to you or her either.

Perhaps you need to look at how close a group of women they really are. It is not hard to be kind to people and frankly none of them seem to have cared how you felt. Especially as it was a party at home and therefore it  would not have been a cost implication.

Edited by Daisy Goat, 29 December 2012 - 08:42 PM.


#22 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 29 December 2012 - 08:50 PM

Why don't you ask why your DS wasn't invited? I don't think I'd be terribly impressed if my son was excluded from the entire peer group and none of the other friends bothered to say anything to me. In fact unless there was a reason, such as I'm a horrible b**ch or my son makes all the other kids cry, I don't think I'd be wasting my time with these people, other than to be civil for the sake of DS's friendships.

If he doesn't want to invite them, then don't, if he changes his mind later on, then do.

#23 Justaduck

Posted 29 December 2012 - 09:22 PM

It is your son's birthday party so imo he can choose who he wants to invite, or not invite. They obviously weren't too concerned about your son missing out on their party so don't concern yourself too much if he chooses not to invite their child. He may feel differently when the time comes to finalise his invite list and invite the other child anyway

#24 DontKnowDontCare

Posted 29 December 2012 - 09:29 PM

QUOTE (Daisy Goat @ 29/12/2012, 08:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
For goodness sake why didn't you ask why your son was not invited.?  Given the supposed close knit group that meet once a week I would assume that this would be something you could ask.

I would actually be put out by the Mother of the child for not being mature enough to come and say to you prior to the party "look , my little Johnny seems to have had a falling out at the moment with your little Johnny so doesn't want to invite him to his party.  This has nothing to do with you and. I and our friendship just how little  boys behave. I am sure they will be friends again in a couple of weeks"

I am also a bit disgusted  that the  other friends said nothing to you or her either.

Perhaps you need to look at how close a group of women they really are. It is not hard to be kind to people and frankly none of them seem to have cared how you felt. Especially as it was a party at home and therefore it  would not have been a cost implication.


+ 1.

#25 Lifesgood

Posted 29 December 2012 - 09:34 PM

QUOTE (Daisy Goat @ 29/12/2012, 09:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
For goodness sake why didn't you ask why your son was not invited.?

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 29/12/2012, 09:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Why don't you ask why your DS wasn't invited?

As the OP said in her first post:
QUOTE
i am ridiculously over sensitive and suffer from anxiety. I didnt have many friends before this and was so happy to be part of this group.
This is probably why she didn't ask. Not everyone is able to face confrontation.

QUOTE (Madame Catty @ 29/12/2012, 10:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It may not have been the b'day boy's decision to not invite the OP's son, which is why the OP should invite the boy.  I have a 6 year old and there's no way I would take his lead on who he likes/wants invited; they change their mind every 5 seconds.  The boy may have said on a whim "I don't want X at my party" and the silly mum took his lead, or the mum may just be a b**ch.  Either way it's not worth the angst and I would invite the boy.  I guarantee you'll feel better for it.  If for no other reason than to show the other mum you're not malicious.

I agree with Madame Catty completely. You are the parent, you should do the right thing and guide your DS on this.




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