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DD seems very vain, how to reduce her focus on looks?
She is not even 8 yet!

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11 replies to this topic

#1 Still-here!

Posted 29 December 2012 - 08:53 AM

As the topic says, DD will be 8 in a few months and has this focus (obsession?) with how she looks. Now I know many girls love fluffing in front of the mirror and are keen on trying out make up etc.
But in this case, I find it becomes a bit obsessive and to be frank, it irritates me a little. The constant talk about how this or that would look and about if people will like her hair/dress/face etc.

I'm not overly girly when it comes to these things and certainly don't talk about them much.

How can we discourage this focus on looks? Can we?

Have you DDs gone through phases like these? Or is it likely to remain a focus for her?

#2 raone

Posted 29 December 2012 - 08:59 AM

If you aren't that way are her friends?

#3 fruitbat72

Posted 29 December 2012 - 09:03 AM

With my girls, I try to reinforce that a person's worth is not HOW they look but what they are like as a person.  We also try and make sure they realise that being pretty is not the be all and end all, that being a decent person (kind, considerate, thoughtful, ethical) will make you a lot more friends.

Any hint of excessive vanity is dealt with swiftly. I personally blame those ridiculous tween magazines - I have banned them from the house, unless they pay for them themselves

#4 Cranky Kitten

Posted 29 December 2012 - 09:04 AM

My DD went through a stage at about that age where she loved trying on clothes and fluffing in front of the mirror etc.

These days I'm lucky if I can get her to brush her hair and pick a clean t-shirt before we go out without umpteen reminders.

Relax, reassure her that she's pretty but also compliment other things (she's clever, kind, helpful etc) and hopefully one day we'll both have a DD that falls somewhere in between.

#5 snuffles

Posted 29 December 2012 - 09:04 AM

DD is nine and has gone through stages of thinking a lot about her appearance.  I just try to make sure that I don't put a lot of emphasis on appearances myself (besides I am a real tomboy as well).

So if DD asks if I like how she looks, I just say yes, do you like it?  If she says yes then I tell her, that's all that matters, as long as you like it, it doesn't really matter what I think.  If she asks, will other people like it?  I say, I don't know, do you like it?  And so on.  I keep deflecting the conversation back to her own opinion of her appearance, emphasising that her opinion is the one that matters.

I am also careful not to focus too much on people's appearances myself, when talking to the kids.  Or mine.  Appearances are secondary to me anyway so it doesn't take much effort on my behalf.

Don't know if that helps but that's all I got!

#6 Mitis angelam

Posted 29 December 2012 - 09:05 AM

Is she old enough to read Little Women?  As I recall some of the characters have to deal with the same issues in that.

#7 lucky 2

Posted 29 December 2012 - 10:13 AM

My dd does the same at times and I do have twinges of concern about vanity.
I do what pp's have said, just talk about it openly.
It comes and goes, I also restrict movies/tv etc away from ones that focus on these things, she doesn't have fashion toys or games (not that interested anyway), I avoid music videos and the magazines as pp mentioned.
But even if a child is exposed to all things teenage it still doesn't mean they will grow up hyperfocused on appearance, it depends on the child.

#8 Iliketoflounce

Posted 29 December 2012 - 11:39 AM


Edited by Minnieme4me, 29 December 2012 - 11:40 AM.

#9 wombat

Posted 29 December 2012 - 11:47 AM

DD is 11 and has never been through this stage.  The only rason I can think, apart from personality is that we have been very strict about what she is allowed to watch/listen to. No music videos unless viewed by us first (eg most Tayloe Swift we are fine with, absolutely no Beyonce), definately no australias top model, mean girls, beauty pageant shows etc. She still likes to look nice when she goes out but is by no means obsesive about it.  I have always tried to be really laid back about how I look when she is around, if I'm getting ready to go somewhere I try to play down the whole 'how do I look" thing.

#10 AMPSyd

Posted 29 December 2012 - 11:53 AM

I was reading a book called something like - raising girls.

The authors said it is really important to focus on daughter's strengths - like their trustworthiness, cleanliness, kindness, ability to draw lovely pictures, dancing, musical ability, how well she reads or does her school work, swims, etc. It takes away from their need to focus upon their own looks for self approval. It moves her from the - I am a great person because I look beautiful - to - I am a very talented/ kind .....

Girls do need approval and sometimes look to their own looks for that.

I have a 7 yr old DD who loves makeup but get her to brush her hair - arghhhhh.

#11 Kafkaesque

Posted 29 December 2012 - 12:25 PM

My DD is nearly nine but for the last six months has been fixated on her looks. I'm not at all into appearance so not really sure where she gets it from.

QUOTE (fruitbat72 @ 29/12/2012, 07:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Any hint of excessive vanity is dealt with swiftly. I personally blame those ridiculous tween magazines - I have banned them from the house, unless they pay for them themselves

But how do you deal with it swiftly? We don't have tween magazines here either but the vanity is out of control.

#12 Still-here!

Posted 29 December 2012 - 02:32 PM

Some great points here, thank you so much.

Magazines certainly don't help. They even have them at the library so are not easy to ban. Tween shows on ABC3 also seem to be along those lines... Will have to be a little firmer on them I think.

Good to read other girls have similar phases, as it gives hope that it may be just that: a phase.

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