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My DD keeps taking things that aren't hers!


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#1 Excited One

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:00 PM

My DD is 6 going on for 7 and we have had a recent spate of her taking things that aren't hers.

She has taken lollies and chocolates from the pantry when she knows she shouldn't, she has taken her younger bothers money. She has taken lipstick and lollies from my bag, she has taken my makeup and lipsticks without asking. She has snuck money in her pocket and bought stuff from the school canteen and she also took a schoolmates biscuits! She also took lollies from the teachers lolly jar and got caught.

Today I was helping her clean up her room and in her new handbag (which she got for christmas) I find $70 which she took from DHs wallet this morning!!!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!!

We have been down this path a lot lately and had discussions about trust, ie her actions make it hard for us to trust you, it's very wrong to take things that don't belong to you, when you do this it hurts the person you have taken from and also shows you dont have respect for their belongings and feelings.

When she has taken the lollies etc we have said she is not able to have treats for x number of days as a consequence.  She was made to replace the teachers lollies and her school mates biscuits with a purchase from her own money.

I know she gets it, she is a very clever girl.

I asked her why she took the money and she said she wanted money for her new bag and said if she Asked us we would say no!!!!  I said that is not always the case there are times when we may be able to and times when we can't and as her parents we are allowed to make those judgments. She needs to understand and respect our no! This is the same for a lolly etc, sometimes we say yes other times no ad she needs to respect our decisions.

It's getting to the point where we cant trust her at all. For example we cannot both be outside working in the yard and have her inside as she is sneaky and tries  to get into things. If I am upstairs I cannot trust what she is dong downstairs etc.

I love her very dearly and I am at my wits end with this dishonesty.  She really does not miss out and we are very fair all round.

I am floored that she she has taken this money and I am stuck as to what type of consequence I should give. I feel this is getting much more serious now and want to really get through to her.

So, what would you do with a child at this age? Does anyone have any advice or experience with this???

Would appreciate your help. Thank you.

Edited by Excited One, 27 December 2012 - 07:35 PM.


#2 CCLady

Posted 27 December 2012 - 11:03 PM

QUOTE
It's getting to the point where we cant trust her at all. For example we cannot both be outside working in the yard and have her inside as she is sneaky and tries to get into things. If I am upstairs I cannot trust what she is dong downstairs etc.


The only thing I can think of is to not leave her alone for a second, make he stay by your side for a few days and when she wants to go do her own thing, say she can't. And remind her that THIS is what it feels like to not be trusted. Take her outside to do yard work (or to watch you do yard work), make her sit outside your door while you shower etc, make her go everywhere with you.  When she gets upset about you questioning her, checking her pockets etc, remind her that THIS is what it feels like not to be trusted.

Give her no opportunity to take things for a few days and see if that makes a difference? Then let her go off on her own for small amounts of time, constantly checking on her and praise her when she doesn't take anything. Remind her that you are trusting her to go play in her room/be downstairs. Then praise that trust. I would be very matter of fact about it - she may get upset at you 'accusing' her if you need to check but again, remind her that this is what happens when she cannot be trusted.

That's probably what I would do in your situation, I have done similar with my eldest and it did work for her. She had to feel what it was like rather than me telling her she was untrustworthy.

#3 ~ky~

Posted 28 December 2012 - 01:38 AM

My 9yo aspie DS is very similar. He only ever takes from us thankfully, but he seems to have absolutely no sense that he is doing anything wrong.

He has absolutely no impulse control hence everything in our house either being locked or passworded otherwise he would eat everything treat like and be on the computer at all hours of the night.

He was allowed the computer with no password yesterday as he had been very helpful and basically earned a "treat". I caught him downstairs on the computer at 3am - he just couldn't resist the knowledge that he had computer he could access and it meant he was unable to stay in bed. I reinstated the password in front of him (I type fast enough that he can't see it) and he went upstairs and immediately fell asleep as if it was a relief to not have the temptation hanging over his head.

So, in summary, I'm sorry but I have no advice for you at all, just empathy.

#4 miinii

Posted 28 December 2012 - 06:46 AM

My DD is 7 and we has been having trouble with her lying and taking things. It feels like she is constantly lying. An example would be Yesterday her and her sister were made to clean their bedroom. They got into an argument and DD yelled Dont punch me in the eye, Younger DD (5) Yelled "I didn't". Now i know she didnt because i was hiding near the door watching them. Even when i said to her that she was lying she said "Im not" or
if one of her siblings has something of hers or something she wants she will run to me and say "sibling snatched that out of my hand" its all little lies but the feeling as a parent is horrible.
She has also taken money when she was about 4. I had $400 for rent in my Purse and it disappeared. Never to be seen again. Or so i thought when DD wanted to use her money from her money box to buy something and guess what i found.....$450 Which meant she had taken $50 another time.

We have had the trust talk too and explained to her that the consequences are quite often worse for lying than they are for telling the truth. She no longer takes money but still those constant little lies. Also when stripping her bed yesterday i found chewing gum wrappers at the end of her bed under the sheet. She knows she isn't allowed to have it so she sneaks it from the car or my bag.

I will be watching this thread in the hopes for some ideas also.

Sorry i was no help but wanted to let you know that your not alone on this one.

#5 Holidayromp

Posted 28 December 2012 - 07:02 AM

I would watch your DD like a hawke and keep her with you at all times and don't turn your back on her.  I would do this for a period of time because it will become very boring to have to be glued to mum's side all of the time.  Explain that you cannot trust her anymore and she has to stay there until you can trust again and even then she has to earn that back.
There should be consequences for all of her actions - exclusions from family fun.  Do family activities like picnics, movies, meals out, day trips and if she steals she gets excluded and cared for during the activity.  Doing this means that her anti-social behaviour is not being rewarded and exclusion means her anti-social behaviour has caused her to be excluded from the family.
Remember it is a phase - I did exactly this as a child and my DD1 did it too.  DD1 was attention seeking due to the impending birth and birth of DS and DH handled it by taking her to the police station only because she shoplifted several times from shops - this is a bit extreme for your daughter also because she is younger than my daughter was.

#6 Leee

Posted 28 December 2012 - 07:07 AM

My DD7 has done similar this year. First she took a girls lunch on several occasions (there bags were next to each other on the hooks) and replaced it with hers. Took Textas from my friends house, taken chips from her friend, always takes my things, there is more but I think I have blocked it. She has calmed down a bit. What I did was say that I could no longer trust her, mainly because it took long conversations and threatening to take big things away (like gymnastics training) for her to stop lying and admit she had done it. So I said if something went missing, something was ruined etc and no one owned up (h or her broth) then she would get the blame because she keeps lying and can't be trusted.

I think it has worked a bit and the threat of no gymnastics comps if the stealing continued. It really must be an age thing. I know for her she just wants what she wants, thinks we will say no , so is really deceptive how she gets things.

#7 Franny and Zooey

Posted 28 December 2012 - 07:23 AM

We took DS to the police station and got a police officer to explain why it was wrong.  Never did it again.

Some kids just don't get that it is serious until they see the very serious consequences.

#8 lovingmother

Posted 28 December 2012 - 07:44 AM

QUOTE (CCLady @ 28/12/2012, 12:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The only thing I can think of is to not leave her alone for a second, make he stay by your side for a few days and when she wants to go do her own thing, say she can't. And remind her that THIS is what it feels like to not be trusted. Take her outside to do yard work (or to watch you do yard work), make her sit outside your door while you shower etc, make her go everywhere with you.  When she gets upset about you questioning her, checking her pockets etc, remind her that THIS is what it feels like not to be trusted.

Give her no opportunity to take things for a few days and see if that makes a difference? Then let her go off on her own for small amounts of time, constantly checking on her and praise her when she doesn't take anything. Remind her that you are trusting her to go play in her room/be downstairs. Then praise that trust. I would be very matter of fact about it - she may get upset at you 'accusing' her if you need to check but again, remind her that this is what happens when she cannot be trusted.

That's probably what I would do in your situation, I have done similar with my eldest and it did work for her. She had to feel what it was like rather than me telling her she was untrustworthy.


Yep that is what I was thinking as well. if she has lost the trust you had for her she has to earn it back and this is a great way.


#9 Excited One

Posted 28 December 2012 - 04:33 PM

Thanks everyone for your replies. My DH and I had a big talking to her this morning and we have agreed on keeping herr with us at all times.
I've explained she needs to earn our trust back. She has had to follow me around like a puppy all day and she is hating it.
I have contemplated a trip to the police station as well however thought I would save that as a last resort..
Here's hoping this has an effect, I am finding this the most difficult age by far!  

Thanks again for your replies and time, appreciate it.




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