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Am I being a precious sookie lah-lah?
family related question


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#1 GlitterFeralFarts

Posted 27 December 2012 - 02:42 AM

First off, with titles like these, i always say yes even before I read the post  biggrin.gif , so I definitely understand how annoying they can be, but I am honestly wondering. And sorry, it's loooong.

Background - Christmas last year, My parents changed christmas line up from dinner to lunch. So MIL kindly swapped as well. Got to parents only to find we had to wait for my sister and her family to be ready before we could eat. We didn't end up even getting any nibbles before we had to leave for MILs as sister didn't want lunch when they had arranged. So of course, they waited for sister and we missed out - Mum and Dad wouldn't start anything earlier because something about Christmas is really for and about the kids (sister has three kids all over 10yrs). So presents were really rushed and we got a plate of nibbles thrust at us for the kids as they were starving. Hour drive to MILS and we get there to find that they had had lunch anyway (instead of dinner) and we were given leftovers and had to leave early because they were exhausted from having StepFILs adult-kids showing up early. We ended up getting Maccas on the way home rolleyes.gif

So this year, we went back to the old arrangement of Cold Lunch at MILs - this was organised ONE week after Christmas and Checked periodically throughout the year - then Hot Dinner at my parents (after they come back from Their Family Lunch). Then, my Nan passed away. Checked again in Nov, all still ok.

Then about a week or so before Christmas this year, my mum calls and says that they are going to do lunch at their house as they have decided that as Dad's mum is no longer here, they aren't going to the Big Extended Lunch anymore and will start hosting their own for our family (Dad's big into the Hot Christmas Get togethers, loves doing them - as in plans for it all year long) my MIL can't change either so we tell my parents that we will have to stay with what we had already arranged, not fair to change on MIL now.... blah blah blah. So Mum says that's fine, they'll do lunch anyway and we are to just come over for dinner afterwards and we'll do Christmas like normal. Gees thanks Mum rolleyes.gif

Anyway, have a lovely, if somewhat me being ignored, lunch at MILs and head off early to make dinner at my parents. After a quick stop off at home, where I call to find out the time and get told that we didn't have to come if we didn't want too  unsure.gif  We rock up a little after the time told to us, only to find out that nearly everyone had gone to bed.  huh.gif

Anyway, we wait, everyone eventually gets up. We go to do presents and I find out that they had already DONE the presents - all that was left was ours to do. Then dinner was cold leftovers from their Big Lunch - they had also already done the Bonbons/crackers/things that go pop and have hats and pathetic jokes, laughing over hats, etc - all the Christmas party stuff. No one ate much as apparently Dad had done a huge spread and they were all full and done. Apparently it was a great day and they kept 'sharing' inside jokes with each other that we knew nothing about, on what happened at lunch and during the gift opening time.

So apparently Christmas is only important when it involves 10year olds and teenagers, but not 7yr olds  and 3 yr olds sad.gif

I just felt so....second class. Almost like we were simply tacked on the end of a day - an obligation to fulfill.
I was really hurt (as in I was fighting tears when I realised) by the fact that they couldn't wait two whole hours to share the fun bits, the Christmas Family stuff like the carols and Bonbons and the Gift part - I love the gift part - seeing what people give and get, the joy, family all together, all that sloppy stuff sad.gif  The worst bit, I reckon they did the Gift part sometime around the time I called to see when we could come over - so we were home/just around the corner  sad.gif

I was visiting a friend today and told her about it, and she thought that sounded normal and said I was blowing things out of proportion - that they were having their Christmas Dinner and that it was our choice to not go  huh.gif  , so that was fair. And that my feeling hurt about it was a nonpoint and get over it.

WDYT? Am I being a precious sooky sooky Lahlah? Or have I yet again been allocated to the level of second class again?

Oh and to add - everyone is already planning our Christmas next year!  mad.gif  MIL is moving 5-6 hours away and is expecting us to drive and camp there for the week of Christmas (and for me to hold Christmas at a caravan park huh.gif ) and My parents are already planning the Big Family Dinner (Yes, DINNER  mad.gif ) that we are expected to go to...


#2 Fillyjonk

Posted 27 December 2012 - 02:56 AM

Nah, not being a sook. I would be sad if that happened to me, especially when there was a definite plan for you to be there. Not only is there the disappointment of missing out on the exciting bits of Christmas but there is the hurt that you were overlooked by your family.

sorry and hug

#3 WithSprinkles

Posted 27 December 2012 - 03:04 AM

I would be hurt too, considering the previous year they waited for your sister and you missed out. Especially when you were ringing and confirming plans with them. Did you let your mum know that you were sad they couldn't have waited to do presents?

You might have to do alternative years with each family so you don't miss out. If they kick up a fuss just point out that you've had 2 years with no food/leftovers/missing presents etc.

#4 Pssst...

Posted 27 December 2012 - 04:24 AM

I would be upset too. After two years of visits going poorly, I would be making plans to do my own Xmas celebrations at home next year!

#5 Nora.

Posted 27 December 2012 - 05:32 AM

Yep, I'd be doing what Pssssst suggested.

Makes me glad I don't have family here.

#6 Funky Cold Ribena

Posted 27 December 2012 - 05:46 AM

QUOTE (Pssst... @ 27/12/2012, 05:24 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would be upset too. After two years of visits going poorly, I would be making plans to do my own Xmas celebrations at home next year!


I agree with this.
I don't think you are being sooky at all.

My family are overseas and we are excluded from any family event on DP's side so it makes for very peaceful, uneventful Christmases at home.

#7 laridae

Posted 27 December 2012 - 05:59 AM

I think you are tryig to squeeze too much in one day.

Alternate sides each year - or do boxing day with one, xmas day with the other.

#8 Sallystwo

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:15 AM

I would be upset too.

I think you should start to think about alternate sides each year or celebrate with just your immediate family next year!

#9 FearsomeFeralFreak

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:15 AM

Definitely not a Sooky la la.
I think your mother is being especially mean.
Next year I would just go to your MIL, spend the whole time there.
Or , alternatively why don't you hold Christmas day for everyone?



#10 elizabethany

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:28 AM

I think you were upset when they waited for your sister, but then expected them to wait for you.  Being a hypocrite a bit.  Yes, I would be disappointed too, but they did say that they were doing lunch, and you CHOSE not to go.

I think laridae is right, you are trying to do too much in one day.  Do Christmas eve or Boxing Day for one side, and swap it around each year, or host your own with both sides invited.

#11 Princess.cranky.pants

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:32 AM

You are not being precious. I think what they did was quite mean. Tell them to bugger off for next year and have the day at home with your little family. We decided to stay home this year and it was the best Christmas we have had in years. We usually split.up the visiting and see his family Christmas Day and mine Boxing Day.

#12 Cacti

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:39 AM

Not being precious, that is not normal, and next year I'd tell both sides that you're going away and then just stay at home and enjoy your day with just your family.

#13 HubbaBubbaMumma

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:41 AM

QUOTE (Pssst... @ 27/12/2012, 05:24 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would be upset too. After two years of visits going poorly, I would be making plans to do my own Xmas celebrations at home next year!


I'm with others, I don't think you're being precious about your family behaving in such an insensitive way.
Our Christmases have become far more relaxed when we stopped trying to run around to all the relatives and just had lunch at home with the immediate ones and Boxing Day with DH family.
That's what I'd be doing.

#14 mum201

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:45 AM

Alternate families each year. I think you are just trying to fit too much in.

#15 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 27 December 2012 - 06:52 AM

I don't think you're being a sook. If it were me, I'd feel like an after thought to both sides of the family. I agree with the PPs either do one side on each day or host it yourself.

We have a similar thing, but it also involves a whole bundle of travel (my family is 3 hours north and DF's are 3 hours south) and also DSDs living in another state to consider. Somehow we make it all work. We are REALLY hoping that next year we will be living down near DF's family and I've already talked to my sister about them coming down for Christmas and she is excited about it!

Up until now we do my sisters on the weekend before Christmas and then DF's family on Christmas, though they were away this year, so we just had a nice quiet year at home.

#16 Feral_Pooks

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:02 AM

Yep, after doing the run from one to the other, we would now either have alternate Christmas/boxing days with different sides, or host here for both sides. We did our first Xmas here for both sides and it went, overall, lovely. And I avoided the 'extendeds'.

#17 liveworkplay

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:14 AM

QUOTE
was visiting a friend today and told her about it, and she thought that sounded normal and said I was blowing things out of proportion - that they were having their Christmas Dinner and that it was our choice to not go huh.gif , so that was fair. And that my feeling hurt about it was a nonpoint and get over it.


I agree with your friend, sorry. We do alternate years of the "special" lunch/tea with each others family. SO one year we will have the big cooked lunch and present opening with my family at lunch time (always the main event in our family and DH's) the next DH. The "non lunch" family do not wait until we get there to do other peoples presents etc. I think you are thinking christmas is all about you (and your kids) If you can not make the "main" celebration, then sorry, you do get leftovers and only family gift opening. If you want all the wizz bang trimmings, then organise to make the main even, simple.

So no, not a sooky lala, just a self absorbed .......

#18 mumofparis

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:24 AM

I would stay home and have your own lovely Christmas.

#19 Unatheowl

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:31 AM

wow, it sounds as though you are doing an awful lot in one day.  That would stress me out.  I would certainly strip that back to visiting on alternate years.  Ours works well as we always do Christmas Eve with my parents (more important to them) and then have Christmas DAy free for the in laws.  Much less stress and its set every year.

I do have one question though about how everyone was in bed when you arrived - what was the time?  How late were you?  Do they just go to bed early?  I found this odd.

#20 miinii

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:32 AM

QUOTE (elizabethany @ 27/12/2012, 07:28 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you were upset when they waited for your sister, but then expected them to wait for you.  Being a hypocrite a bit.  Yes, I would be disappointed too, but they did say that they were doing lunch, and you CHOSE not to go.

I think laridae is right, you are trying to do too much in one day.  Do Christmas eve or Boxing Day for one side, and swap it around each year, or host your own with both sides invited.


OP didnt just expect them to wait they "Kindly" Said they would do dinner instead of lunch but then had lunch anyway. Thats a bit different to just rocking up late and expecting them to wait. If her MIL had said she cant change the arrangement then im sure OP would have either stayed at her parents to eat or gone to MIL's early.

I can totally understand how you feel OP. Sounds like a very disappointing day. I agree with others i think you might be better of doing Christmas at your house or have one Christmas day and one Boxing day and alternate each year.

#21 FeralBob!

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:34 AM

QUOTE (elizabethany @ 27/12/2012, 07:28 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you were upset when they waited for your sister, but then expected them to wait for you.  Being a hypocrite a bit.  Yes, I would be disappointed too, but they did say that they were doing lunch, and you CHOSE not to go.

Except that they DIDN'T wait for Freaky's family they just went ahead without them.

Again.

Freaky, I'd be upset too, and I fully understand where you're coming from.Apart from anything else, they've got a beautiful brand new grandchild/niece who isn't important enough to wait for? I reckon next year you should tell the lot of them to get to feck and have your own family traditions.

bbighug.gif

#22 DreamFeralisations

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:41 AM

Totally justified SLL there, OP.  I agree with others - a great opportunity to do your own and call the shots, or alternate.  Christmas is about YOU enjoying it also.

#23 Riotproof

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:43 AM

QUOTE (laridae @ 27/12/2012, 06:59 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you are tryig to squeeze too much in one day.

Alternate sides each year - or do boxing day with one, xmas day with the other.

I think so too. We did two Christmas events for ds's first Christmas and then I put my foot down and said we'd alternate. It's too much for me with one child, so I can't imagine how you've coped so far.

Have a chat with them about how you feel, and try and come up with a plan for next year. It doesn't matter if you have Christmas the week before.

#24 ani1

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:46 AM

QUOTE
I think you are tryig to squeeze too much in one day.

Alternate sides each year - or do boxing day with one, xmas day with the other.


This is what I would also recommend original.gif

#25 Dionysus

Posted 27 December 2012 - 07:49 AM

Not exactly precious but you are trying to fit a lot in. And what's with your mum making one lot if arrangements and then just changing?

I would be alternating the main event (lunch) each year, then leftovers for dinner at the other house.

I am so lucky my MIL organizes around what I am doing with my family, so this year was lunch with her side on Sunday, Lunch with my mum's side on Tuesday.

MIL did do presents in the morning (with SIL and her kids who had stayed there overnight) and we missed that, but it simply meant my DD was the centre of the attention for presents at lunch

ETA: every second or third year we host lunch for whoever wants it. My side and DHs side come, or they don't see us. We don't leave our house that year for anyone and we get to 'dictate' what happens on the day

Edited by **Mel**, 27 December 2012 - 07:52 AM.





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