Jump to content

Do we place unreasonable expectations on ourselves and others at xmas?


  • Please log in to reply
47 replies to this topic

#1 blackbird

Posted 25 December 2012 - 12:06 AM

Ive just been reading all the venting and most of it seems to be about all the effort we put into xmas and how little it is appreciated.
I mentioned this to my aspy BF who dosent really get xmas and finds it confusing that we all gather around to show love to people we don't like and if we care about spending time with the others we should do it regardless of needing a special occasion.
He said maybe we aren't being appreciated in our efforts because we are actually imposing ourselves on others who did not ask for it despite our good intentions.

I think he has a point, so many people are working hard for nothing and feeling like crap and as if those around them should be grateful for the effort but maybe they just aren't that into it so its hard to pretend gratefulness when the effort to do so feels like an unwanted chore that wasn't wanted in the 1st place? It seems like xmas has gotten big and messy and in trying to "capture the spirit of xmas" we are actually taking the fun out of it. Making it hard work and painful.

Was just contemplating it all really..

#2 emma_jean

Posted 25 December 2012 - 12:24 AM

Yes I tend to agree.

#3 CupOfCoffee

Posted 25 December 2012 - 05:43 AM

I agree, I do think that we do put huge expectations on ourselves.  Trying to make everything perfect and putting so much pressure on ourselves (and ultimately we feel disappointed, and crap about ourselves if we fail).

But my husband is also Aspie, so our house is super relaxed at Christmas (because he also doesn't understand all the 'stuff' that happens).  So today for lunch we will probably have cheese grilled sandwiches, because that is what he loves to eat.

Or maybe we are just lazy... which is likely also true (I am NT so my only excuse is lazy) laugh.gif

#4 credence

Posted 25 December 2012 - 06:04 AM

Yes I'd agree to an extent.

I've scaled down my Christmas this year considerably.

We're hosting lunch today and I've done no preparation for it yet (other than buying the food yesterday). This morning we've had some pannetone for breakfast. Soon we'll get dressed and go to church because for our family the meaning of Christmas is a religious one.

When we get back, I'll start getting lunch ready and we'll eat a simple but tasty meal with a few relatives.

That's it. I haven't hyped it up at all. I really hate all the consumerism. Somewhere between the presents, the preparation and the build up, the message of Christmas is lost.

#5 =R2=

Posted 25 December 2012 - 06:04 AM

QUOTE (Rawr @ 25/12/2012, 12:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I totally agree. I was tempted to post on fb tonight, 'yay, tomorrow this will finally all be over'.

The reason I didn't is because it's my man's bday and it'd be rude to him.

The reason I feel that way, is it's one bloody day. All this nonsense has been in our faces since October.

Since october, I've been hearing people say, 'have you started your xmas shopping?'  then it was, 'have you got much xmas shopping done?', then, 'have you finished your xmas shopping?' Argh! Is that ALL we're able to talk about for all these months? For one day?

Then, you have all the fighting about who does what and where for months before the event that is ONE DAY.

You have parents who've hyped their kids up on the santa thing, then wonder they won't sleep tonight. Not one parent I know who's whinging about it on the net has turned around and said, 'well, you know what? *I* did that, because I decided it was best.' And that's fine. It's a parent's choice and I respect that. But why be surprised at the extra stress it creates on a night when you have to get SO much done?

And on facebook, everyone's talking about how poor they are now, how they have too much food, not enough food for ONE DAY! How tired they are, how they still have wrapping to do, photos of the kids to do, photos of the tree, parents putting up the tree and hating the mess it makes, then not looking forward to taking the bloody thing down.

You've got people being ungrateful, people taking advantage of the goodwill of others. People getting sh*t presents they hate, bought by someone who probably couldn't afford, then they've given that person a sh*t present they can't afford too, and round and round it goes.

And then everyone is broke, and needs to declutter their houses of all the sh*t they have, which, depending on how motivated people are, may or may not end up in landfill.

I respect that people choose to celebrate xmas. I do. I just don't understand why people will go on and on about all this STRESS of xmas, then in the next breath, ask me why I don't celebrate, or think I'm somehow missing out on all this^^^^

Gosh you poor thing  sad.gif . Sucks to be you eh?

I have wonderful memories of Christmas growing up and now we're doing the same for our kids. It doesn't have to be stressful although a handful of people do make it that way. Our Christmases are all about food, drink and being with family (with presents on the side  wink.gif  ). We don't spend a lot of money on presents but teach the joy of giving to our children. Fancy that mine went to bed on time last night because they couldn't wait for Christmas Day to come. They have just woken up next door giggling to each other as they found their Santa sacks bulging.  original.gif

#6 Floki

Posted 25 December 2012 - 06:27 AM

What a bunch of Scrooges. If you only did things with the expectations of gratuitous thanks then no wonder you are let down.



#7 Holidayromp

Posted 25 December 2012 - 06:37 AM

QUOTE (Beautiful Warlock @ 25/12/2012, 07:27 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What a bunch of Scrooges. If you only did things with the expectations of gratuitous thanks then no wonder you are let down.


Bloody hear hear.  

If you don't want to do - don't.  It is simple as that.  Don't bring other people down with your attitudes.

#8 cinnabubble

Posted 25 December 2012 - 06:50 AM

I think, come 8pm, the Venting board will be littered with those whose family and friends failed to deliver the amount of enthusiasm commensurate with their expectations. Chances are, it won't be the family and friends' fault.

We are so going away next year.

#9 mummame

Posted 25 December 2012 - 07:05 AM

Christmas for us is wonderful as we do it simply with just immediate family. We don't join all the families together cousins, aunty's uncles. We also just buy gifts for kids. Christmas is for children anyway I see so many people making it about EVERYONE so I can see how it can blow out to be in the thousands of dollars. Christmas is always a relaxed and fun day.

My kids also went to bed early, the early start was a bit tiring but like you said PP its just ONE DAY!!! I am sure I can deal with it.

Merry Christmas

#10 Dionysus

Posted 25 December 2012 - 07:07 AM

If people are banging on like pork chops (like Rawr's family and friends) then yes, they are missing something important in the whole picture.

Everyone I know, though, loves the fuss, is thankful to hang with family and friends, and enjoys putting some 'magic' in their kids' lives or enjoys doing the church and kids in nativity play type things.

I even enjoyed the IL's Christmas on Sunday, and would only have one small vent about one thing that happened

My family and friends are sensible and down-to-earth.

#11 snuffles

Posted 25 December 2012 - 09:34 AM

Perhaps some do have unreasonable expectations.  

I don't and I'm not interested in anyone who does.  We do Christmas, we do it the way we like it, and we have a great day!!!  I do not expect anything from anyone else (well ok, I expect DH to cook the turkey, as he insists that we have one), and if anyone is expecting anything from me that they haven't received, they certainly haven't mentioned it.

I love Christmas, for us it's not about going overboard on anything, just about having a nice day together.   xmas_cool.gif

#12 littleboysmum

Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:00 AM

I agree with Mel. Christmas for our family is about putting some magic in our children's lives. Like a pp, I too have wonderful memories of Christmas growing up. I know it's only 1 day, but that one day holds some of my best childhood memories. I can only hope that my children feel that way when they grow up and in turn, create the same magic for their own children.

I seem to be the opposite of others on EB for I genuinely, whole heartedly, LOVE christmas- all of it! The shopping, crowds, carols, wrapping, strangers wishing me a merry christmas, church, Christmas plays, cooking, eating, family, in laws, cousins, decorating the tree, Christmas lights. The whole entire lot!

I have bought thoughtful gifts and so far received beautiful gifts from my gorgeous DH, kids and beautiful in laws. We've had a special, traditional family breakfast, DS is playing with his new toys and DD is sleeping. Then off to SIL's for way too much food, a nice glass of bubbly, cousins laughing and playing and general fun.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but my family really enjoy the day all round. My DS has probably been "spoiled" according to EB's exacting standards, but watching his little face light up as he opened his gifts and the joy he is having playing with things makes it all worth it. He keeps thanking everyone and has given me a zillion hugs and kisses.

I guess some people have unrealistic expectations and are disappointed. All I expect is family, laughter, a nice meal and giving gifts to those I love. Never been disappointed yet. Just supremely grateful for my DH, beautiful children and wonderful extended family.

Edited by littleboysmum, 25 December 2012 - 10:02 AM.


#13 Jenferal

Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:06 AM

I don't believe Christmas is just for kids, or maybe I'm still a kid at heart, because I still like getting gifts at the grand age of 38.
Who doesn't like people giving them something they think the receiver will like? If you don't then that's pretty sad frankly.

I also like the idea of my Dd learning it's not just about getting, but giving as well, so she doesn't grow into  the kind of child who says MORE MORE MORE at Christmas like her cousins did.
I do think there can be high expectations though, people wanting the day to be PERFECT which is impossible to achieve.

I think the media has a bit to do with that. The pictures of the perfectly decorated trees, the food laden tables(of all the expensive foods and turkey which is never eaten at any other time of year really) and the happy smiley faces or everyone getting along. I don't see why we need to spend time with people we don't like, but most of us to it to not upset people we DO care about.


#14 Chchgirl

Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:18 AM

Yes I do think people have unreasonable expectations etc..They are lucky they have family and dh's to spend it with, my kids don't have their father this year and I have my first christmas in 21 years without him. But hey, it's not woe is me, we woke up happy and had lots of pressies and now will be having family for lunch that everyone has contributed to.

I know I am fortunate that neither family is like this.

wait for the post christmas vents now... happy.gif

#15 lizzzard

Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:19 AM

I have also noticed a lot of disappointment and resentment around events like Christmas and birthdays and always find it weird! I don't know whether I just have no expectations in general, or am not particularly critical but I'm surprised every time by how well everything turns out laughing2.gif. We certainly spoil the kids, and end up going overboard on everyting...but I never find myself disappointed at all!! This year is no exception - we're having a beautiful day today biggrin.gif

#16 PigNewton

Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:27 AM

I like Christmas, but I like my extended family. If I didn't, we'd go and have it by ourselves somewhere, not that hard really.
I like thinking about presents and finding bargains over the course of a few months. I also like making presents which don't cost much but taste great!
I like Christmas lunch, everyone brings something so no-one finds it too hard.
I like playing cricket in the park after lunch and family games in the evening.
Last night I stayed at my parents' house with my two brothers there too and it was lovely to be under one roof with them again.
I liked putting out biscuits and juice with DS for Father Christmas and reindeer food on the front lawn.
I like the fact that when DH took DS for a walk to the firestation near the church we were at last night, the fireman saw them and invited them in for a chat. Owen got to sit in a firetruck and was just enraptured original.gif

The only thing I don't like is having to serve idiots in the weeks before Christmas who think their world will come crashing down if they don't find the perfect prawn ring.

#17 littleboysmum

Posted 25 December 2012 - 10:57 AM

I'm sorry your DH can't be with you today Chchgirl. May you and your children have a day filled with love and a peaceful year ahead. Merry Christmas.

#18 JRA

Posted 25 December 2012 - 11:12 AM

ChcGirl: All the best to you and your children on this very difficult christmas.

I hope you have a good day with your family around you. I know it will never be the same without your DH.

#19 Freddie'sMum

Posted 25 December 2012 - 11:23 AM

xmas_cool.gif We have just had Christmas lunch - the 4 of us - and I didn't cook anything !!

Yah for salads and cold cuts and lots and lots of berries that are in season original.gif

The girls have had a wonderful time, DH is probably asleep on the sofa by now, and Miss-7-and-a-half along with Miss-5 are watching a Christmas DVD - it's all good.

I did take a step back this year and thought to myself - "it doesn't have to be perfect" - and that's the way it's rolling right now.

Merry Christmas everyone !!



#20 sad small umbrella

Posted 25 December 2012 - 11:29 AM

Our Xmas is low key.  One of the people with autism has been beside himself with excitement for weeks, my DH with autism has after years of social skills training learned to behave himself and keep his inner grinch to himself (FFS! dude?!! what's not to love about carefully chosen presents and food he likes) and the other person with autism is happy with food and presents.

Left to my own devices Xmas would be a much bigger deal and a lot more formal but it's about everyone including me--DH would cancel Xmas cheerfully but we compromise.

I don't get the imposing of ourselves on others and their expectations at all.  Just because nobody seems to meet anyone's expectations it is not about imposition to me.

#21 FiveAus

Posted 25 December 2012 - 04:41 PM

I streamlined ours this year by going on strike in the kitchen. For me, the biggest bugbear on Christmas Day is the food. My kids are grown up but they want their mum to cook the meal. Unfortunately mum works full time.

I knew that I'd be working Xmas eve this year so booked a table at a local pub for lunch today, two of the kids, one partner and my 15mo granddaughter joined us, and it was absolutely lovely. A very stress free meal, and absolutely delicious.

My youngest daughter hosted for the present giving and that was fun. One other child and her  partner joined us there.

We're home now, just the two of us and we're playing with our new toys. I have ham, potato salad and pav for our evening meal then we'll settle down to watch some new DVD's  

A lovely day, no expectations, no work, the kids all loved their gifts and we are enjoying ours. It's turned out better than I ever imagined.

Edited by FiveAus, 25 December 2012 - 04:45 PM.


#22 FiveAus

Posted 25 December 2012 - 04:41 PM

.

Edited by FiveAus, 25 December 2012 - 04:42 PM.


#23 FiveAus

Posted 25 December 2012 - 04:41 PM



.

Edited by FiveAus, 25 December 2012 - 04:43 PM.


#24 FiveAus

Posted 25 December 2012 - 04:41 PM

.

Edited by FiveAus, 25 December 2012 - 04:43 PM.


#25 BadCat

Posted 25 December 2012 - 04:49 PM

Yes, some people seem to have this vision of the perfect xmas scene and then get bent out of shape when their relatives don't follow the script.

And some people are grinches that could have the perfect christmas and wouldn't know it because they forgot to fold the napkins into swans.

But by and large I think most people try to make it nice and shrug off the bits that go wrong.  

We shunted the least favoured duties, like visiting relos, on to other days to leave today for what we wanted to do.  We had friends over for lunch.   One of the kids was surly but so what?  Someone spilt a glass of wine all over the table.  No biggie.  A massive christmas decoration fell off the ceiling and ended up covering half the table and dropping tinsel in the food.  We all just about fell off our chairs laughing.  That's what xmas is meant to be like.  Having a good laugh with friends and family.  It's not about getting the perfect photo of the perfect children in their perfect clothes with the perfect present in their perfectly presented house.






1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reaction to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Empowering bikini photo of 46-year-old mum goes viral

When a group of teenagers made rude remarks about her body as she walked past them in a bikini at the local beach, Julie Cross refused to cover up.

Devastated widow discovers she's pregnant the day before husband's funeral

They had been trying to conceive a baby for seven years. Tragically Kristy Kirchner found out she was pregnant the day before her husband Royce's funeral.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Gabriella Goat sues Peppa Pig

Every toddler's favourite television pig is being sued by an Italian woman who shares a name with a Peppa Pig character.

Meet the Mpregs, the male pregnancy enthusiasts

"Men can't have babies - that's something only women can do! But our community is full of like-minded people who wish otherwise."

Your new motherhood survival kit

Forget about the bright, pretty baby things - while you're in survival mode, all you'll need are the essentials.

More than 100,000 cars recalled globally after death of pregnant woman

The announcement of a mass recall comes as Malaysian police investigate the death of pregnant woman in July.

I had a 'good baby' but still suffered from postnatal depression

I had a much wanted precious baby girl, a 'good baby' who slept well, self settled and was mostly content. It just seemed implausible to think I could succumb to depression.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Eating ice may give mental boost to the iron deficient: study

A new study proposes that, like a strong cup of coffee, ice may give those with insufficient iron a much-needed mental boost.

Tiny lives in caring hands: Thank U NICU Day

Each year in Australia, over 40,000 newborns need the help of a special care nursery or neonatal intensive care unit. One day a year, the staff are honoured by the parents they help through those dark days.

I paid $50,000 to have a girl

This time my husband and I hadn't taken any chances. We had paid $50,000 and travelled 13,000 kilometres to make sure the baby growing inside me was female.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you're doing.

A trace of sesame could kill my son

Helen Richardson son's had two anaphylactic reactions in a month. It's traumatic for everyone.

When you know before the test says yes

It wasn't a pregnancy test or missed period that told me I was pregnant with my second baby; it was too early for those things. A doner kebab told me I was going to be a mum again.

What not to do when your partner is in labour

Robbie Williams stole the show during his wife Ayda's labour, pretty much demonstrating everything on the "what not to do when your partner is in labour" list.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

'Chopstick Baby' born at 23 weeks

Given the nickname of 'Chopstick Baby' by local media, a baby born weighing 660g has survived a week outside the womb.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.