Edited by Lickety Split, 25 December 2012 - 05:02 PM.
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Would you tell your friend enough is enough?
12 replies to this topic
Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:16 AM
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Edited by Lickety Split, 25 December 2012 - 05:02 PM.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:21 AM
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Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:23 AM
I'd say you should hang in there. She needs your friendship. If you care about her then be there for her despite your annoyance.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:23 AM
Find out the numbers of the womens refugee near her and give her them. They can help her physically get out of the situation.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:25 AM
She needs to arrive at the conclusion to leave him herself.
The more people tell her to leave him, the more she will stick up for him and stay with him. She then gets stuck in the us vs the rest of the world trap. When in the trap its even harder to leave because she's told herself the rest of the world is against her (not true).
Next time she calls instead of offering her advice or suggestions ask her what SHE is going to do about the situation. Help her work through her options and ask her what the consequences are of staying vs leaving.
She also needs professional help, suggest that you may not be the best person to speak to and refer her to the professionals. That in the capacity as a friend you will be there but not as a counsellor.
Until she is ready to leave him, there isn't much anyone can do. Domestic abuse is one sick cycle.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:29 AM
OP I know this is hard for you but I recommend not cutting ties. Your friend is caught in a cycle of abuse and her mind would be centred on that. You can support her but not make decisions for her. It is good that she at least contacts you when things go bad although I know this would be very draining for you. Arm yourself with as much information and resources to help her as you can.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:35 AM
If Grey Matter sees this she will be able to give you advice as she was you and I was 'Gemma'.
I got out eventually. I could have lost her though. I am just so glad she never gave up on me, as hard as it was for her to watch.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 09:39 AM
Please don't give up on her. That is all classic DV stuff. She needs her friends and he will be isolating her as much as possible.
Stick by her when she is ready to make the decision. Only she can but she'll need you when she decides to leave.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 10:07 AM
Please don't give up on her.
An abusive man will isolate the woman from everyone to ensure he has full control.
From what you have said he has already isolated her from her family and I'm guessing she doesn't have friends near by to call and that is why she is calling you.
It's really hard to leave a relationship like that because you truly believe that you can't survive without the person.
Therapy may not have helped because she may not have fully disclosed what is going on. Believe me, covering for the abusive person is all part in parcel of this kind of relationship.
I know it's hard and I hope someone can give you some ideas. I wish I had a friend like you to talk to when I was in this woman's shoes. Other PPs are right unfortunately when they say only she can make the decision to leave.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 01:44 PM
I've been Gemma, and now I'm you in another situation. Be patient, take a step back emotionally, and just let her know you're there. One thing my friend did with me was some basic safety planning- what would happen if... Type situations. So, I left copies of important documents at his place, had some emergency money left at his place to cover a cab fare there plus some basic expenses, a change of clothes, and list of phone numbers. We also had a safe word for me to call him if I wanted him to call the police on my behalf. He made it clear that he would help, but would also involve police for his own safety if he felt it was required (the subtext being- you want my help, that's fine, but I WILL call the cops). I've done the same thing for my friend, she has left a few times, has gone back, but the police and a DV service are involved so as much as I worry about her and the kids I'm pleased with the incremental improvements. She has also learned something each time she has left, which was my experience too. It's not easy to leave, or to stay gone...
Posted 23 December 2012 - 02:09 PM
PP's have all said it brilliantly, so I won't repeat except to say don't give up contact with her. She probably hasn't decided she doesn't need her family, it's part of the isolation that a comes part and parcel with an abusive relationship. You may just be her only "link" that she can call on when she needs it. Please please please let her know you are there whenever she needs help.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 02:16 PM
Pooks has mentioned some invaluable steps for you to work thru with your friend (the stash of money, documents, clothes, somewhere to go). If you really struggle with feeling you know how to do this, there are a couple of services your friend can call that will also get your friend thinking in these terms. The women who work at these services will not tell your friend what to do, but they will empathise, and work thru practical steps your friend can take based on what info or wishes your friend discloses. Also, these services will calmly and in a non-confrontational manner name what is happening in your friend's relationship. I.e. they will use terms like domestic violence slipped into the conversation, and they will try to express to your friend that the actions of her partner, whilst common, are not normal in a loving relationship. It can take women many many calls to places for support, checking their options and countless conversations about what is going on for them before they even start to believe they may have another option then to stay. DV is insidious, and the perpetrators of such violence are adept at manipulation and coercion. I hope this ends well for your friend.
Victoria: http://www.wire.org.au/, http://www.dvrcv.org.au/
Sorry I don't know enough about the services in other states to know which to recommend.
Posted 24 December 2012 - 09:08 AM
You've done all you can, again and again. I got to the point with a friend of mine where I had just had enough of her dramas, and years of doing nothing about it, that I honestly had to cut her off. I was sick to death of the victim mentality.
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