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Stopping co-sleeping

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#1 Guest_Amy Ramekin_*

Posted 21 December 2012 - 04:50 PM

Our 14MO DD cosleeps and wakes approximately hourly. I put her down in her cot in the evening then she comes into our bed shortly after I go to bed. I haven't had a decent sleep for over a year. it is affecting my relationship with DH as we have no uninterrupted time together because she wakes so frequently in the evening. I think we need to change something.

Sorry, I know I've asked similar questions before, but I guess I'm still hoping for that magic solution.

How can we make the transition from cosleeping to cot as gently as possible? Any suggestions?

BTW, I feed her to sleep but have, at different times, experimented with patting to sleep and she can be patted to sleep with a bit of effort.

#2 Guest_divineM_*

Posted 22 December 2012 - 07:47 PM

If you want to change things you will have to teach your LO to self settle. This will inevitably involve some protesting. I'm Of the school of thought that says happy mum and dad must be good for bubs so if they have to cry a little to get there so be it. My suggestion would be to find a sleep school or a sleep nanny who can work at your level (I talked to mine before she came out to make sure she wasn't going to suggest anything I wasn't willing to do). Whether you are feeding or patting or whatever al the way to asleep it still means bubs needs you every time they wake overnight.

#3 axiomae

Posted 22 December 2012 - 08:35 PM

You'll have to teach self settling. It will be hard on you, but overall better for everyone. Both you, your DH and your LO will be better rested for it. There is no magic solution, sorry.

#4 sarkazm76

Posted 22 December 2012 - 08:40 PM

You don't HAVE to teach self-settling and if you do please try and find a way that involves as little stress for bubs as possible and as little crying for both you and her too!  Have you tried the No Cry Sleep Solution, for example?
Is she in your in bed?  My DH used to sleep on a mattress on the floor as he didn't like sharing with me and bubs in our bed.  We set the cot up as a co-sleeper and it's much better for all of us.  We took the side off the cot and so DS has his own space but can come over to us if he needs to.  It's fantastic - DH has been back in our bed for ages and DS is still happy and secure being close to us.
Most important thing is not to start forcing her out all of a sudden.  She is used to sleeping close to you and suddenly expecting her to lay down and sleep on her own in another lcoation is going to be very stressful for her.  She will not understand in any sort of logical way at her age.  Sorry, I'm not trying to guilt you original.gif as I know the pain of sleep deprivation... but you need to be careful of how you do things too.
What happens if you leave her in her cot?  If' she's waking hourly in your bed what does she do in the cot?

#5 ruth79

Posted 22 December 2012 - 08:45 PM

my ds didn't stop doing that till i weaned at 17 months... the actual weaning was much easier than i thought it would be though; i think we were both ready.

#6 Relish*

Posted 22 December 2012 - 08:52 PM

DS was a little younger but I would bring him into our bed to feed like normal, get him fed, burped, and really sleepy, then pop him gently back into his bed. The first few night's he protested a bit but eventually he actually slept better in his own bed, and now sleeps through most nights without a feed. Not sure about a magic solution, though, sorry!

#7 Guest_divineM_*

Posted 22 December 2012 - 09:01 PM

QUOTE (sarkazm76 @ 22/12/2012, 09:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You don't HAVE to teach self-settling and if you do please try and find a way that involves as little stress for bubs as possible and as little crying for both you and her too!

Un fortunately if OP wants to change her circumstances she does have to teach self settling and she is asking how to change things not how to keep the status quo which is clearly causing unhappiness in the family!

#8 sarkazm76

Posted 22 December 2012 - 09:09 PM

I don't think it's OK to tell her there is only ONE option.  Without more info from the OP I don't think you can jump straight to self settling as the only option available.  That's all.

#9 Guest_divineM_*

Posted 22 December 2012 - 09:28 PM

OP is asking how to stop co-sleeping and reduce waking. It's a widely accepted fact that this requires the baby or toddler to learn to self settle. Teaching to self settle is not the same as CC. CC is one way but there are others. Self settling is the outcome not the approach.

#10 libbylu

Posted 22 December 2012 - 09:40 PM

We followed the book 'sleep right sleep tight' at exactly this age, due to exactly the same problem.  I had to feed my DS to sleep hourly and it was really taking its toll.
The book advocates 'controlled comforting' and there was a lot of protesting from DS, but only for 3 nights and then, miraculously, he slept through the night for 9 months + before we had another regression at around age 2, but by that point I had weaned, so it was less of an issue.

I am not an advocate of controlled crying or similar techniques with little babies, but once they are old enough to understand the language and the basic idea that they just need to lie down and go to sleep in their own cot, then I think it doesn't do any harm, as long as you approach it sensibly and they are in a healthy loving environment.  We did the technique where you keep going back in every few minutes to pat and settle until they are calm and relaxed, but leave the room before they fall asleep, so they learn to self settle. It took about 2 hours the first night, 30 minutes the second, 5 minutes the third, and then he slept through.  I just picked three days where I wasn't working, steeled myself, and went for it, and we were both so much happier afterwards as he was much more rested by morning.  His day naps improved too.

#11 tick

Posted 22 December 2012 - 09:43 PM

My DD1 went from waking 2-3 hourly and co-sleeping to sleeping alone and through the night without self settling.... In fact she still doesn't really self settle at 3.5 years. It can be done!

For us it was a case of relocating the co-sleeping to DD1's own bed, a double in her room. We did this at 15 months. It was a lot easier to remove myself from her bed gradually than it was to remove her from mine iykwim. We also night weaned at about 18 months using a bit of a dr jay Gordon approach with done daddy co-sleeping as well. She continued to wake overnight for a long time, but a lot less frequently after that. I always co-slept in her bed after her first waking but it got later and later until it stopped all together at about 2.5.

#12 greenthumbs

Posted 22 December 2012 - 09:54 PM

No idea OP. Will be watching with baited breath for the magic solution.

QUOTE (sarkazm76 @ 22/12/2012, 09:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We set the cot up as a co-sleeper and it's much better for all of us.  We took the side off the cot and so DS has his own space but can come over to us if he needs to.

We have this set up. It doesn't really work for us anymore, DS (16mths) always ends up in between us. The cot is only support for my butt when I have to shift over to make more room for DS sad.gif . Was great in the earlier days, but I suspect DS is waking because of us most of the time and I'm the handy 'soother' so get woken multiple times a night as well.

I'm actually planning on changing his cot tomorrow and putting the 4th side back on and separate from our bed as I'm not enjoying the co-sleeping anymore. I need better sleep and importantly DP and I need time and space for one another, it's becoming a problem. Invariably one of us is always at our wits end with DS and it's not fun. He is only just going to bed now at 10.45 (screaming in DP's arms) and this is the same most nights unless I go to bed earlier (then having absolutely zero time to myself all day).

I assume it's going to be very very tough to do, but hopefully we'll stick with it as it's beginning to make me question my parenting skills or lack of them and causing quite a lot of grumpiness and frustration in our house.

Sorry to hijack OP, hopefully someone can suggest something. I'm going to find my copy of No Cry Sleep Solution tomorrow and attempt to get a plan together.

Try your library for the book (author is Elizabeth Pantley) and a big Good Luck to you! Hoping for better sleep for you asap! original.gif

#13 sarkazm76

Posted 22 December 2012 - 10:16 PM

Our DS was very hard to put to sleep for a long time.  He's massively attached to his bedtime routine so that's the most important thing - that it's maintained.... and right now all he wants is me so I'm doing nearly all the putting to bed.  If DH does it then he has to take a book with him and they read a story before lights out and that seems to keep him happy - if DH just tries to take him to bed when I finish giving him his bottle then DS gets VERY upset... it's not worth it - having him get so stressed out when we want him to be calming down for nigh nighs original.gif
We also have music playing or I will sing (badly) to him - 4 songs then the night light goes off.  The time he needs to relax and drift off varies each night but mostly we just lay there and he talks to himself and sings and stuff.  it can feel like a lot of work, that's for sure.  We plan on keeping it this way as long as it works.... but also plan to move bubs number 2 (due in May) into the cot when he/ she is too big for the bassinet.  At that time we plan to get DS a toddler bed and alos have it in our room... we just don't want to push him out before he's ready and especailly not because of a new addition.
He has nights where he stirs quite a bit and others where he barely wakes all night.... and now I'm pregnant I'm up 2 times to pee as well.  Exhausting - we usually get Wednesdays off if he stays at my mums place thank god.

I digress... you can alos "like" Pink McKay on Facebook - she often posts messages from mums looking for advice so you might get more tips there too.
DS settles for us with making sure he has his dummy and some "sssshhh mummy is here" and patting.

#14 MummaBirdy

Posted 22 December 2012 - 11:34 PM

This was our family until we went to sleep school at 11.5 months. It was truly life changing, and, while it was a tough few days for us, a year of great sleep later we are a much happier family for it.

We co-slept out of necessity but I now truly feel it did more harm than good for DD's sleeping. I don't think there is much you can or should do in the first 6 months, but once your baby can understand what is going on, and by 14 months she will be able to, I think sleep training done in the right way can be very effective.

Leaving a baby crying in distress is never the right thing, but the approach at sleep school was about reassuring without rewarding, and in essence boring your baby back to sleep by being very consistent with the settling technique, for hours and hours if necessary the first few nights.

We needed professional help to get there but it's one of the most positive things we have ever done.

Wishing you all the best whatever approach you take. Sleep is golden.

#15 Guest_Amy Ramekin_*

Posted 24 December 2012 - 02:05 PM

Thankyou so much everyone. I will re-read your replies when I have a bit more time.

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