DS being bullied by his own making
Time for a fresh start
, Dec 20 2012 07:25 AM
10 replies to this topic
Posted 20 December 2012 - 07:25 AM
DS8 is currently in the round about of ADHD diagnosis.
However his behaviour is misunderstaood at school and he comes across as annoying with his peers.
Understandably there are days when no one wants to play with him, which is fair enough, but the way they treat him is just plain cruel.
They think its great fun to run away from him in the playground and leave him with no one ot play with.
His older sister says they speak meanly to him and yell at him all the time. He has been hit and had rocks thrown at him. And they taunt him until he blows his fuse, which they know he will do, and then he gets in trouble.
We are consequently changing schools next year and I'd like to be able to help him learn some social skills over the summer break so that he can make the most of his fresh start and make some solid friendships.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Has anyone else been through a similar situation?
Posted 20 December 2012 - 07:35 AM
I know it isn't the long term solution, and now that school is finished no solution at all. But did anyone ever do anything about the hitting and throwing rocks, because that goes beyond bullying. If the other kids see they get away with it with your DS, they will most likely keep doing it with others.
There are some wonderfull women in here who will have more ideas for you. I hope he has a better time at the new school.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 07:41 AM
Does he see a psychologist? They can work on social skills and interaction with others. They can also teach him ways to diffuse his anger before he acts out.
My girls are in speech and have been in psychology. Both of them were teaching them social skills ie. being tactful and not just saying what comes to mind. Also roleplaying is a good thing as well as it shows how interaction should be. Sometimes it is better coming from a professional rather than parent as we get a bit too emotional and clouded in our judgement IYKWIM.
Its a tough thing and obviously the payback is getting out of hand and you are having to switch schools. Such a shame. Does he feel if he acts nicer to them they might be nicer to him or did too much water go under the bridge?
Hope he gets some help soon and he settles into the new school. Hopefully they might be more helpful in working with him and the new kids he will meet. But I would def get him some help before starting the new school as transition might be daunting to him and he might feel a bit out of it already.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 08:10 AM
My SS has ADHD and he had the same issues of being "annoying", it's kind of like he outstays his welcome. He tries to take over when playing with other kids and change the rules to suit himself. He would get angry a lot too. Half way through Prep he started being friends with one of the "naughty" kids and started playing up to impress this boy. Even after the school put them in separate classes for future years he would still play up and it Wouk irritate the rest of the class who actually wanted to learn, the teacher would spend a lot of time dealing with his behavior during class. He also became one of the "naughty" kids. This is the "H" part of ADHD.
Before having him diagnosed and on medication we tried a few other things to improve his behavior like seeing a psychologist, occupational therapist and an elimination diet (we had taken him to a doctor who did allergy testing) , none of these things improved anything bub we wanted to try other things before looking a diagnosis that would have him on medication. The psycholigist taught him things to do if he was feeling angry or felt like leaving his desk at school to talk to another kid and we told his teacher what they were but he wouldn't do them because ADHD kids have problems with impulse control, they just do what they feel.
He would often come home from school saying that other kids don't want to play with him and we would try to teach him how to play with other kids (follow game rules, don't take over etc) but nothing would change. We changed his schools half way through this year and there has been a huge improvement in his behavior, social skills and learning at school. He still has issues when he is playing with kids in the street because we don't give him medication on weekends or school holidays. it was good to have the fresh new start at the new school where he didn't have the annoying and naughty kid reputation and where he wasn't already friends with the other "naughty" kids.
He is on a medication called Concertia, it's a slow release (appeox 12 hour) medication that is given once a day (I give it to him at around 7am. This tends to work much better than the Ritalin he was in previously on and he doesn't have to go to the office during the day to have another tablet like he did with Ritalin.
Has your son been diagnosed with ADHD or is he still in the process? We did find that medication helped his concentration in class. It not his behavior but I think this is more because playing up became second nature to him along with trying to get acceptance from other kids, the class clown type situation. If we had him on medication before his behaviour became too much of a problem I think the medication would have improved the social side of things too.
Edited by Dylan's Mummy, 20 December 2012 - 08:16 AM.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 08:34 AM
I am the other side of the coin.
My dd is in class with a boy with ADHD. She understands that "He has a different brain so doesn't know how to stop himself doing naughty things sometimes". Understanding doesn't change her opinion. She doesn't like him one little bit and wishes he wasn't in her class (prep). He has hurt her teacher, pulled my daughters hair, spat at her and damaged some of her work that she had worked really hard on. She was so upset, and was even more upset when he didn't get in trouble (some of that was during a meltdown so he was removed to a quiet area away from the rest of them). It's no wonder they avoid him in the playground. I feel sorry for this boy, but at the same time, I have told my daughter to stay away from people that upset or hurt her.
I don't know what your answer is, but until your child can follow some of the social rules that other children of his age follow, changing schools probably won't help.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 08:42 AM
I've contributed on your other thread, but I am cutting and pasting here so that I can also contribute to this dialogue.
I should add that my daughter has ADHD-combined type (impulsive + inattentive). She is not the "naughty" kid, but she is the kid likely to meltdown or get emotional when overloaded. Like Dylan's Mummy's stepson, we have seen wonderful, positive changes with Concerta.
Great ideas above from Ibea.
I'm sorry that you & your son are struggling with this situation. I probably don't have to tell you how imperative it is that he be fully assessed by an appropriate specialist as soon as possible. If I were you, I'd be calling good developmental paeds today -- or good neuropsychologists -- and getting his name down on the waiting list (and follow up with your GP after the fact for the referral while you are waiting). Many medical practices close for the holidays, so you are better off getting the ball rolling NOW.
You will want someone who can do a full developmental assessment -- to validate (or rule out) the initial diagnosis of ADHD, look into other potential issues (like ODD, for instance) -- and recommend a treatment plan. Do not settle for random generalist paed who doesn't know the behavioral disorder space well.
The other time sensitive thing I'd recommend is lining up some good psychological support, as Ibea suggests. Again, your GP can refer you (so that you can get Medicare rebates), but you should be able to book immediately (assuming you have some idea of who to call).
You are in the Perth metro area, right? Perhaps some of the mums here who are in your area could recommend some specialists. I will send you a few names that have been passed along by fellow EBers in WA.
Our daughter has ADHD-combined type (along with ASD + giftedness, so we are dealing with a lot of forces!) Behavioral intervention has been essential. OT has been very helpful in addressing sensory overload and working on things related to self help and fine motor skills. Fish Oil has also been helpful.
Like Ibea, we host A LOT of playdates/small group events at our house and act as parent supervisors for activities outside of school. I try to put my daughter in situations where she will be successful -- for instance, hosting a friend or two to come over to jump on the trampoline (a fav activity) or play a cool new computer game. If I help direct the flow toward things she is comfortable doing, then her behavior and social confidence seems to improve.
Lastly, and very significantly...although not every family managing ADHD goes the medication route, medication CAN make a very positive difference to people with ADHD. I would have never considered medication for our daughter if the diagnosis had been made in passing or done by someone who wasn't an expert in developmental issues. I feel very comfortable with our decision to medicate. It has made our daughter so much happier and able to manage her impulses better.
Good luck with the new school -- I really hope 2013 is a better year for your son and you.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 08:44 AM
When ds was younger and socially a bit backward/awkward, I looked into social classes for kids. There was quite a bit available so have a hunt around - perhaps speak to your State Child Development Centre for ideas. I also found some good books at the library. If you google, "teaching kids social skills" quite a bit comes up. Having ADHD makes it more difficult but you might find some ideas help out.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 10:00 AM
Thank you for your responses. Dylan's Mummy you could have been talking about my son in your post, word for word.
DS was diagnosed by a paed as ADHD, by his school as not ADHD, and I wasn't convinced with the paed's diagnosis (no assessments, just my word on his behviour). So we are currently trying to get in elsewhere for another opinion. ADHD or not, there are certainly behavioural issues there which need to be dealt with. ODD was another term mention by the GP which my sister also went through.
The schoole we are leaving take the warm fuzzy approach to discipline which means the kids who throw rocks, run away from him in the play ground, give him a hard time etc simply get put in time out for a bit. They are then spoken to about their behaviour and very gentle way and sne ton their way to do it all again. To the point where my son doesn't bother to even tell the teacher any more because it makes no difference. He just takes himself to the office for an icepack then sits goes back to the playground.
The new school has a very string anti-bullying policy and much more support for the kids so I'm hoping that will help.
As for medication, I am not totally anti-meds, I'm just cautious because I don't want him taking them unnecessarily so will wait for a more thorough diagnosis. I can certainly appreciate the merits of it and will consider it in due course.
Thanks again for your support and advice ladies
Posted 20 December 2012 - 10:36 AM
Cherub, when my SS was diagnosed, the paedatrician gave us a long form to fil out with a lot of questions where you rate from 1 to 5 (from memory) on it and one for his teacher to fill out too. The doctor said that our answers were very similar to his teachers so that assured her it wasn't just an at home issue. The form wasn't specifically for ADHD but to diagnose various things, so some questions didn't relate to SS at all, for example, some related to depressive type characteristics.
I thinl that SS also has issues with ODD but only while at home, but I think that it is more a dissapline issue than a disordwr as SS will argue with us when he doesn't want to do something and husband doesn't do anything about it where as I want to teach him to do what we ask him to do. Husband doesn't comes home and goes on the iPad and doesn't notice anything so it is always me who has to get SS organised so he often doesn't think he should do anything (because it's only of us doing the parenting) and will argue about everything.
Something else to be aware of is that there were times that SS would tell us that another kid threw a ball at his head, but he leaves the it out where he threw a ball at the other kitd's head first. We know that he did it first because we would get calls from the school sometimes telling us what happened, they had asked other kids who were around at the time what happened too, so they did have the facts. We would ask SS what happeed and he would tell us that the other kid threw the ball, we would then tell him that we know what really happened because the school called us. I'm sure your son doesn't start the rock throwing but there may be times where he may have started things (they like to play innocent)
I hope that your son has a better time at the new school. It is such a relief ot to be contacted by the school yet again or have to be in regular contact with his teacher. Changing schools is the best thing we have done for him.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 11:30 AM
Again you wrote my story for me. DH is very head in the sand about it all and we often have conflict over discipline.
And also yes, DS does spin wonderful stories and it's often hard to get the full gist of what really happened.
The new school is also very good at contacting parents immediately whereas the old school would often not bother to let me know what has happened
Posted 20 December 2012 - 11:50 AM
My friend's little boy (who is on the spectrum) was very poor at playing with others. A rather spiteful little bully who would utterly lose it if things stopped going his way, not afraid of lashing out physically, even to children much younger than he.
My DP (in a breathtaking example of 'un pc') often mentioned that it would be good when he got to school as the "Other kids will knock that out of him" - well obviously that didn't happen as schools on the whole are very good at intervening in the playground fisticuffs that our generation endured.
This lad was - as you describe your son, working hard against his own interests, and had few, if any, friends.
He now goes to see a psychologist (the 'play doctor' is what they call her) and the difference (along with medication) has been spectacular.
They role play, practice 'What should I do if I feel like this' and talk about all sorts of things. He is now so much better at playing with other children and has got several 'friends' this year. (even got asked on a sleep over which was a moment of great pride to his parents)
The difference to him, to the family, to his school experience and to the level of happiness of them all has been a joy to behold.
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