Jump to content

Handling newborns after miscarriage
around teh same due date


  • Please log in to reply
19 replies to this topic

#1 Riotproof

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:12 PM

My best friend and I got pregnant within weeks of each other. We have similarly aged children and had confided in each other about TTC. Everything was going fine, we were both so excited to be doing together and having another pair of peers.
Then at 17 weeks, I lost my baby. They don't know why, but it was a fairly traumatic labour at home. My due date has been and gone, and I felt almost a sense of peace. It was like I could finally say goodbye..
But now it's hitting me, she will be a mother of two in a couple of weeks, she will be left holding a baby and I won't.

I'm wondering whether anyone else has experienced something similar. How do I steel myself? I don't want to lose her, and she's been so understanding and trying hard not to hurt me.

#2 SuburbnJournalista

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:30 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.

#3 ggirl30

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:49 PM

[/size]Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a similar issue.I had a 7 week MC in August, but was due on the same say as a very closefriend. In fact 7 of my 8 closest friends were pregnant in 2012. Five havehealth babies, two are due in April and May. I have just had a 11 week missedMC (is that whats its called where the baby dies but you still have pregsymptoms, even on the day of D&C?). Its a tough gig dealing with other'sbabies, when your arms are empty. I ask myself what I need. Sometime I need to justcatch up with my friends with no babies, and sometime holding a baby is therapeutic.Close friends are usually pretty good at understanding, but importantly, youneed to look after yourself in this.

[size="3"]


#4 sad small umbrella

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:59 PM

QUOTE (SuburbnJournalista @ 18/12/2012, 10:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.


Have you actually lost a baby?  Because you sound utterly naive about how hard it is to be around dear friends who have the baby alive.  Focusing on how happy she is and how happy you are for her when your baby is gone?

OP it's going to hurt, it's going to be painful and it's OK to be real about that.  You can be joyful she has her wanted baby while still knowing it really sucks your baby died.  Except sometimes the being joyful bit is hard.

#5 FurryTongue

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:11 PM

My thoughts are with you in this difficult period of your life. I have had several miscarriages and it took years for me to be able to even LOOK at a pregnant woman and not feel like I was being stabbed in the heart. I can't begin to imagine the turmoil you are feeling.
Don't beat yourself up about how you feel and grieve. Could you explain to your friend you just find it too hard to be arouund newborn babies? I am sure as your best friend she wold have considered you may be feeling like this. Don't feel ashamed of your emotions. You are entitled to them and miscarriage is such a cruel, cruel thing.
I wish you all the best.

#6 **Anna**

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:22 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

#7 livingos

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:39 PM

I am sorry for your losses.  It is a crappy time so just let yourself feel what you are feeling and try to find a "safe " person to vent to.
I have a group of friends formed from a pregnancy group with our first kids. As you can image we were all TTC #2 about the same time, unfortunately I was the first to fall and the first to lose.  Like you one of my friends was due within a few weeks of me. I even steeled myself and went to see her in hospital when they had the baby. One day they kid of thrust the baby on me . I could deal with visiting but not with holding the baby. I am sure they were well intentioned.  In that situation it isn't easy to say " ummm please take your baby back".  
One of the girls in my group wasn't planning to ttc and she was my rock. She knew I was taking about my pain not  being unhappy for our other friends per se.
That loss was a molar pregnancy so I couldn't even start TTC until the EDD, that and the health implications had me in a very dark place for a while.
Do your best and be honest.  I met another friend when her boy was 7 months old and our baby would have been around that age too, plus I had another loss in the mean time.  It was very hard to be around them at that time.  Luckliy she understood why I was so detached.

Only time helps and it is a hard line to walk between not  getting lost in the pain but giving yourself the space you need to grieve and work through it.
Lots of hugs.

#8 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:32 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

It hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sometimes I think the anticipation is worse than the event because we have so much more time to mull over the possibilities, imagining the very worst.
I arranged to meet her new baby at a time when our dh's could be there, because I figured at least if I fell apart, dh could do the driving home. And it was okay, I felt a bit weird, but otherwise okay. She offered me a hold and I declined.
I am a sahm, and she is coming from work, so I invited her to my Playgroup where because she knew no one else, I did end up holding her baby while she went out to her car. And again, it wasn't how I thought it would be, I didn't actually bother cooing or engaging, but it didn't hurt me.
I can now willingly pick her up and talk to her.

I'm not sure how it happened actually, it's like I've healed more than I thought I could. It's as if coming to that due date has meant I've said goodbye to the untapped potential I was grieving. I've stopped wondering who he or she might have been, for the most part. I think I have mostly forgiven myself for all the things I regret about that day, and while I'll never get to forget or stop regretting, it doesn't come to me as often as it did.

Being a meant to be Christmas baby, I bought a tear shaped glass ornament with white feathers inside, and that was a real help. I could see it from the sofa and it was reassuring whenever it caught my eye. . Since we packed up Christmas, I found I really missed it and so have put a 'bear of hope' someone gave me on the bookshelf. It helps just knowing she's there.

What has upset me is my friend is already making plans for number 3. Her ob gave her the clear to start at 6 months, which she's planning on and the whole time she was telling me this I wanted to scream at her. Why can't she appreciate the miracle she has? I do not want to be pregnant when she is, I don't want to wonder why they deserve it and we don't.
It's actually very unreasonable of me to expect her to put her life on hold for my feelings, but I felt she should have chosen her audience better. It really hurt because it was a reminder of the fact that I'm the mother of a baby no one will ever remember.


#9 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:02 PM

I am sure she is not trying to hurt you deliberately. It sounds to me as though you are not handling it as well as you thought you were.
In the first post you say she is being nice and trying not to hurt you, then in your last post you say she is upsetting you with talking about trying to have another baby.
I may be way off base, but maybe it would do you some good to talk to a councillor and try and work things out.

#10 roses99

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:45 PM

I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

#11 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:49 PM

You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

#12 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:58 PM

QUOTE (Riotproof @ 23/02/2013, 08:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.



#13 akkiandmalli

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:00 PM

Dear riot proof
It's such a hard and difficult situation to be in.. I was due to have my second son march 20 2012 my brother was due to have his first child on 1 April 2012.like you I had a late miscarriage at 18.5 weeks.. The pain was terrible when my SIL had their son he was beautiful and just made me cry inside. Every milestone is a constant reminder of my DS. It wasn't too long after I got pregnant again and now I am due around the same time so my nephew will have a cousin who's birthday will be close to his..this dd will be an other reminder of my DS..
To help me heal I have a picture of him on my wall ( ultrasound at 13 weeks) with all my other children at the same gestional age.
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you

#14 balletmom4

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:03 PM

I'm so sorry OP. A few years ago (actually 8), my BFF and I were both pregnant with our 4th babies. Our kids were all the same age, and we joked that her baby (boy)would protect my baby (girl) from the bullies at school. I had her kids while she was in labour- we were devastated to learn that the baby had died whilst she was in labour. We had her kids overnight, until the grandparents came to get them (interstate). It was just a horrible horrible time. However, she came to see my baby when she was born and gave us a gift- I don't know how she found the strength, but she did.  I don't think in all honesty i could have done what my BFF did. I have no understanding of pregnancy loss, as I've never been through it. Hope you find the strength you need.

#15 BearBait

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

It's so hard & sometimes you could just burst out crying. Your friend is not trying to rub your nose in it or hurt you, she is just not aware how fragile you are.
Are you able to arrange some counseling to help you through? The grief is awful, a counsellor might help you get through this to a place where your thoughts are more positive. You will never forget the one you lost, but your baby surely would want you to be happy & perhaps try again.

#16 librablonde

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

I went through something similar to you OP. M/c at 18w and my good friend gave birth a few doors down from my hospital room while I was still recovering from the m/c and d&c. I was happy for her but so grief stricken and in such turmoil that I couldn't visit her. I told the nurse to go in and see my friend and tell her what happened to me and that I loved her and was happy for her. I just couldn't go in and visit her. My son had died and hers was born full-term and healthy. My friend was awesome and I texted her saying I needed time before I saw her and her newborn DS. I saw her for the first time when her DS was about 2 months old. I'd been dreading it but when the time finally came to meet and hold him he was just a jolly, chubby baby and I couldn't help warm to him. I cuddled him and it was nice. When she left my house after the visit I actually felt elated that I was able to cope again and that I could truly feel happy for her while still mourning my son.

In saying that, the weeks after my m/c were unbelievably hard, OP. I had to have various ultrasounds and examinations after the birth and each time the waiting rooms were packed with pregnant women. I'd just sit here scowling with my arms folded and stare at the carpet, it was the only way I could cope. However one time I lost it in the waiting room and starting crying so hard that the nurses moved me to a private room to howl by myself. I just lost my ability to cope at that point and felt so weak and pathetic for doing so.

OP, it will probably be very hard for a long time until you move through your grief. No matter how wonderful your friend is it will still be hard. I think the main thing is to be honest about how you feel and set boundaries for yourself and others. Give yourself time and take it day by day. I'm really sorry for your loss, OP sad.gif

Edited by librablonde, 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM.


#17 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:16 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 23/02/2013, 08:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

Thanks for understanding, rationally I know that her choices do not impact on me, but it was just too much.

i do have some people at playgroup that I've spoken about it to, more at the time than as an ongoing thing, but it's something I'll think about.

#18 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:22 PM

QUOTE (akkiandmalli @ 23/02/2013, 09:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you


Thanks A&M, I know it will be fine. It was just a shock to hear it from her, I think.

I really hope it all goes well for you.

Balletmum, you must be a really good friend. When I was talking to DH about it, I said that I don't think I would have tried had it been anyone else. It would have just been easier to drift apart.

Librablonde, I'm so sorry for your loss, you're right about boundaries, and I'm getting better at that.. just saying no to things I cant handle has made it easier I think.

Edited by Riotproof, 23 February 2013 - 08:26 PM.


#19 opethmum

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:24 PM

I am sorry for your loss and I am another one for getting some help and to try and work through your feelings and perhaps a little distance from your friend or just tell her point blank how you feel. Don't suffer in silence you are worth it and you are not alone.

#20 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:39 PM

QUOTE (fairyflossfart @ 23/02/2013, 08:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.


The thing that got me about your post was the implication that intent should change my reaction, her lack of intent doesn't make it hurt me any less, not in the moment. Sure, I can look back and see that it wasn't deliberate, but that doesn't mean I can't say it stung.

I'm sorry for your loss. Part of why I wanted posted so much, when I haven't previously is because I had no idea how lineal grief can be. I didn't realise that just because you start feeling human again, doesn't mean there won't be setbacks and regressions.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Teaching our son to say no to violence against women

Today, on White Ribbon Day - and every other day - we're teaching our son to say no to violence against women.

Mothers told to breastfeed in 'spacious' toilet

If there is one thing the owners of Tillings Cafe can be certain of, it is that the eatery won't win the award for Britain's best baby-friendly coffee shop any time soon.

Mother gives name to son dumped down drain

A woman who admitted to dumping her newborn baby down a Sydney drain has reportedly been allowed to give him a name.

Taking small steps to reduce stress

Are you feeling used up by life's stress, family problems and a demanding job you can't turn off? Many people are way beyond work-life exhaustion. They are functioning as robots.

Bad news: we're running out of chocolate

The world's biggest chocolate-maker says we're running out of chocolate.

Born at 23 weeks, 'Chopstick Baby' survives first week

A baby who was born at 23 weeks has survived her first week of life outside the womb.

Manic stations: the nesting instinct in pregnancy

It might sound like temporary insanity, but almost obsessive nesting as you near your due date isn’t uncommon – even if you’re not usually a particularly clean person.

How a baby can survive alone for days on end

The baby found abandoned in a Sydney drain may have been alone for up to six days without being fed, leaving many asking how he could have survived.

When it begins to look a lot like Christmas

A child's excitement at Christmas time is a beautiful thing, but one dad ponders whether his toddler daughter is getting into the festive mood a bit too soon.

Hospital lets dads the experience some of the pain of childbirth

A new experience is radically altering men's views of childbirth.

Italian doctors questioned over formula bribes

Italian police have placed 12 doctors under house arrest on suspicion of promoting baby milk formula over breastfeeding.

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Those special moments of sibling bonding

Every now and then your child does or says something that is truly memorable.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Baby monitor footage posted online

Footage of Australian babies and children sleeping in their bedrooms are among the images on a Russian site showing live feeds from thousands of homes and businesses around the world.

Did this new dad really hit on his wife's midwife?

Was there really a man who was actually there by his wife’s side as she laboured and gave birth to his child, all while he was making what he perceived to be meaningful eye contact with a midwife?

Keep calm and ignore the Tantrum Trolls

Tantrum Trolls are a small but growing species of predatory bottom-feeders who delight in picking on parents at their most vulnerable.

It's okay to never 'get over' the death of a loved one

The death of children, siblings, and parents has long term impacts on the rest of our lives.

What Mark Latham needs to know about depression and motherhood

Love has nothing to do with mental illness. But love may drive a mother to do something about it.

'We're just trying to keep our child alive': life with FPIES

We have a beautiful seven-month-old son, and his allergy rules our life.

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong'

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reactions to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Carers admit to force-feeding children

Two children who were given to the wrong families at birth will soon learn if they will be returned to their biological parents.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.