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Handling newborns after miscarriage
around teh same due date


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#1 Riotproof

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:12 PM

My best friend and I got pregnant within weeks of each other. We have similarly aged children and had confided in each other about TTC. Everything was going fine, we were both so excited to be doing together and having another pair of peers.
Then at 17 weeks, I lost my baby. They don't know why, but it was a fairly traumatic labour at home. My due date has been and gone, and I felt almost a sense of peace. It was like I could finally say goodbye..
But now it's hitting me, she will be a mother of two in a couple of weeks, she will be left holding a baby and I won't.

I'm wondering whether anyone else has experienced something similar. How do I steel myself? I don't want to lose her, and she's been so understanding and trying hard not to hurt me.

#2 SuburbnJournalista

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:30 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.

#3 ggirl30

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:49 PM

[/size]Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a similar issue.I had a 7 week MC in August, but was due on the same say as a very closefriend. In fact 7 of my 8 closest friends were pregnant in 2012. Five havehealth babies, two are due in April and May. I have just had a 11 week missedMC (is that whats its called where the baby dies but you still have pregsymptoms, even on the day of D&C?). Its a tough gig dealing with other'sbabies, when your arms are empty. I ask myself what I need. Sometime I need to justcatch up with my friends with no babies, and sometime holding a baby is therapeutic.Close friends are usually pretty good at understanding, but importantly, youneed to look after yourself in this.

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#4 Laborious Nicety

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:59 PM

QUOTE (SuburbnJournalista @ 18/12/2012, 10:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.


Have you actually lost a baby?  Because you sound utterly naive about how hard it is to be around dear friends who have the baby alive.  Focusing on how happy she is and how happy you are for her when your baby is gone?

OP it's going to hurt, it's going to be painful and it's OK to be real about that.  You can be joyful she has her wanted baby while still knowing it really sucks your baby died.  Except sometimes the being joyful bit is hard.

#5 FurryTongue

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:11 PM

My thoughts are with you in this difficult period of your life. I have had several miscarriages and it took years for me to be able to even LOOK at a pregnant woman and not feel like I was being stabbed in the heart. I can't begin to imagine the turmoil you are feeling.
Don't beat yourself up about how you feel and grieve. Could you explain to your friend you just find it too hard to be arouund newborn babies? I am sure as your best friend she wold have considered you may be feeling like this. Don't feel ashamed of your emotions. You are entitled to them and miscarriage is such a cruel, cruel thing.
I wish you all the best.

#6 **Anna**

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:22 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

#7 livingos

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:39 PM

I am sorry for your losses.  It is a crappy time so just let yourself feel what you are feeling and try to find a "safe " person to vent to.
I have a group of friends formed from a pregnancy group with our first kids. As you can image we were all TTC #2 about the same time, unfortunately I was the first to fall and the first to lose.  Like you one of my friends was due within a few weeks of me. I even steeled myself and went to see her in hospital when they had the baby. One day they kid of thrust the baby on me . I could deal with visiting but not with holding the baby. I am sure they were well intentioned.  In that situation it isn't easy to say " ummm please take your baby back".  
One of the girls in my group wasn't planning to ttc and she was my rock. She knew I was taking about my pain not  being unhappy for our other friends per se.
That loss was a molar pregnancy so I couldn't even start TTC until the EDD, that and the health implications had me in a very dark place for a while.
Do your best and be honest.  I met another friend when her boy was 7 months old and our baby would have been around that age too, plus I had another loss in the mean time.  It was very hard to be around them at that time.  Luckliy she understood why I was so detached.

Only time helps and it is a hard line to walk between not  getting lost in the pain but giving yourself the space you need to grieve and work through it.
Lots of hugs.

#8 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:32 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

It hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sometimes I think the anticipation is worse than the event because we have so much more time to mull over the possibilities, imagining the very worst.
I arranged to meet her new baby at a time when our dh's could be there, because I figured at least if I fell apart, dh could do the driving home. And it was okay, I felt a bit weird, but otherwise okay. She offered me a hold and I declined.
I am a sahm, and she is coming from work, so I invited her to my Playgroup where because she knew no one else, I did end up holding her baby while she went out to her car. And again, it wasn't how I thought it would be, I didn't actually bother cooing or engaging, but it didn't hurt me.
I can now willingly pick her up and talk to her.

I'm not sure how it happened actually, it's like I've healed more than I thought I could. It's as if coming to that due date has meant I've said goodbye to the untapped potential I was grieving. I've stopped wondering who he or she might have been, for the most part. I think I have mostly forgiven myself for all the things I regret about that day, and while I'll never get to forget or stop regretting, it doesn't come to me as often as it did.

Being a meant to be Christmas baby, I bought a tear shaped glass ornament with white feathers inside, and that was a real help. I could see it from the sofa and it was reassuring whenever it caught my eye. . Since we packed up Christmas, I found I really missed it and so have put a 'bear of hope' someone gave me on the bookshelf. It helps just knowing she's there.

What has upset me is my friend is already making plans for number 3. Her ob gave her the clear to start at 6 months, which she's planning on and the whole time she was telling me this I wanted to scream at her. Why can't she appreciate the miracle she has? I do not want to be pregnant when she is, I don't want to wonder why they deserve it and we don't.
It's actually very unreasonable of me to expect her to put her life on hold for my feelings, but I felt she should have chosen her audience better. It really hurt because it was a reminder of the fact that I'm the mother of a baby no one will ever remember.


#9 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:02 PM

I am sure she is not trying to hurt you deliberately. It sounds to me as though you are not handling it as well as you thought you were.
In the first post you say she is being nice and trying not to hurt you, then in your last post you say she is upsetting you with talking about trying to have another baby.
I may be way off base, but maybe it would do you some good to talk to a councillor and try and work things out.

#10 roses99

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:45 PM

I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

#11 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:49 PM

You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

#12 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:58 PM

QUOTE (Riotproof @ 23/02/2013, 08:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.



#13 akkiandmalli

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:00 PM

Dear riot proof
It's such a hard and difficult situation to be in.. I was due to have my second son march 20 2012 my brother was due to have his first child on 1 April 2012.like you I had a late miscarriage at 18.5 weeks.. The pain was terrible when my SIL had their son he was beautiful and just made me cry inside. Every milestone is a constant reminder of my DS. It wasn't too long after I got pregnant again and now I am due around the same time so my nephew will have a cousin who's birthday will be close to his..this dd will be an other reminder of my DS..
To help me heal I have a picture of him on my wall ( ultrasound at 13 weeks) with all my other children at the same gestional age.
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you

#14 balletmom4

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:03 PM

I'm so sorry OP. A few years ago (actually 8), my BFF and I were both pregnant with our 4th babies. Our kids were all the same age, and we joked that her baby (boy)would protect my baby (girl) from the bullies at school. I had her kids while she was in labour- we were devastated to learn that the baby had died whilst she was in labour. We had her kids overnight, until the grandparents came to get them (interstate). It was just a horrible horrible time. However, she came to see my baby when she was born and gave us a gift- I don't know how she found the strength, but she did.  I don't think in all honesty i could have done what my BFF did. I have no understanding of pregnancy loss, as I've never been through it. Hope you find the strength you need.

#15 BearBait

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

It's so hard & sometimes you could just burst out crying. Your friend is not trying to rub your nose in it or hurt you, she is just not aware how fragile you are.
Are you able to arrange some counseling to help you through? The grief is awful, a counsellor might help you get through this to a place where your thoughts are more positive. You will never forget the one you lost, but your baby surely would want you to be happy & perhaps try again.

#16 librablonde

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

I went through something similar to you OP. M/c at 18w and my good friend gave birth a few doors down from my hospital room while I was still recovering from the m/c and d&c. I was happy for her but so grief stricken and in such turmoil that I couldn't visit her. I told the nurse to go in and see my friend and tell her what happened to me and that I loved her and was happy for her. I just couldn't go in and visit her. My son had died and hers was born full-term and healthy. My friend was awesome and I texted her saying I needed time before I saw her and her newborn DS. I saw her for the first time when her DS was about 2 months old. I'd been dreading it but when the time finally came to meet and hold him he was just a jolly, chubby baby and I couldn't help warm to him. I cuddled him and it was nice. When she left my house after the visit I actually felt elated that I was able to cope again and that I could truly feel happy for her while still mourning my son.

In saying that, the weeks after my m/c were unbelievably hard, OP. I had to have various ultrasounds and examinations after the birth and each time the waiting rooms were packed with pregnant women. I'd just sit here scowling with my arms folded and stare at the carpet, it was the only way I could cope. However one time I lost it in the waiting room and starting crying so hard that the nurses moved me to a private room to howl by myself. I just lost my ability to cope at that point and felt so weak and pathetic for doing so.

OP, it will probably be very hard for a long time until you move through your grief. No matter how wonderful your friend is it will still be hard. I think the main thing is to be honest about how you feel and set boundaries for yourself and others. Give yourself time and take it day by day. I'm really sorry for your loss, OP sad.gif

Edited by librablonde, 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM.


#17 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:16 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 23/02/2013, 08:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

Thanks for understanding, rationally I know that her choices do not impact on me, but it was just too much.

i do have some people at playgroup that I've spoken about it to, more at the time than as an ongoing thing, but it's something I'll think about.

#18 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:22 PM

QUOTE (akkiandmalli @ 23/02/2013, 09:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you


Thanks A&M, I know it will be fine. It was just a shock to hear it from her, I think.

I really hope it all goes well for you.

Balletmum, you must be a really good friend. When I was talking to DH about it, I said that I don't think I would have tried had it been anyone else. It would have just been easier to drift apart.

Librablonde, I'm so sorry for your loss, you're right about boundaries, and I'm getting better at that.. just saying no to things I cant handle has made it easier I think.

Edited by Riotproof, 23 February 2013 - 08:26 PM.


#19 opethmum

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:24 PM

I am sorry for your loss and I am another one for getting some help and to try and work through your feelings and perhaps a little distance from your friend or just tell her point blank how you feel. Don't suffer in silence you are worth it and you are not alone.

#20 copham

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:25 PM

Oh OP I am sorry for your loss and I really hope your friend realises that whilst she is trying to be a great friend you are naturally hurting. I was in a similar position in Oct 2010 when I have birth to my DD at 40+2 but sadly she passed away. My sister have birth Nov 2010 to a healthy baby girl. I was shattered.

I did go to the hospital once for 30 minutes but it was too much for me and I cried, collapsed on the ground (after leaving the room) and resented my sister and her DD. I was hurting and shouldn't of gone to the hospital (same one I birthed in) so unless you are sure you are ready my best advice is to not see said friend if you don't think you can handle it as it can set you back on your healing process.

I am glad to see you have other friends you can talk to and I hope that the birth isn't too upsetting for you. Take your time, do what you feel comfortable with I am sure your friend will be more than understanding if you don't want to see them or want to leave quickly.

Sending you strength and hugs OP

#21 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:39 PM

QUOTE (fairyflossfart @ 23/02/2013, 08:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.


The thing that got me about your post was the implication that intent should change my reaction, her lack of intent doesn't make it hurt me any less, not in the moment. Sure, I can look back and see that it wasn't deliberate, but that doesn't mean I can't say it stung.

I'm sorry for your loss. Part of why I wanted posted so much, when I haven't previously is because I had no idea how lineal grief can be. I didn't realise that just because you start feeling human again, doesn't mean there won't be setbacks and regressions.




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