Jump to content

Handling newborns after miscarriage
around teh same due date


  • Please log in to reply
19 replies to this topic

#1 Riotproof

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:12 PM

My best friend and I got pregnant within weeks of each other. We have similarly aged children and had confided in each other about TTC. Everything was going fine, we were both so excited to be doing together and having another pair of peers.
Then at 17 weeks, I lost my baby. They don't know why, but it was a fairly traumatic labour at home. My due date has been and gone, and I felt almost a sense of peace. It was like I could finally say goodbye..
But now it's hitting me, she will be a mother of two in a couple of weeks, she will be left holding a baby and I won't.

I'm wondering whether anyone else has experienced something similar. How do I steel myself? I don't want to lose her, and she's been so understanding and trying hard not to hurt me.

#2 SuburbnJournalista

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:30 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.

#3 ggirl30

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:49 PM

[/size]Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a similar issue.I had a 7 week MC in August, but was due on the same say as a very closefriend. In fact 7 of my 8 closest friends were pregnant in 2012. Five havehealth babies, two are due in April and May. I have just had a 11 week missedMC (is that whats its called where the baby dies but you still have pregsymptoms, even on the day of D&C?). Its a tough gig dealing with other'sbabies, when your arms are empty. I ask myself what I need. Sometime I need to justcatch up with my friends with no babies, and sometime holding a baby is therapeutic.Close friends are usually pretty good at understanding, but importantly, youneed to look after yourself in this.

[size="3"]


#4 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:59 PM

QUOTE (SuburbnJournalista @ 18/12/2012, 10:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.


Have you actually lost a baby?  Because you sound utterly naive about how hard it is to be around dear friends who have the baby alive.  Focusing on how happy she is and how happy you are for her when your baby is gone?

OP it's going to hurt, it's going to be painful and it's OK to be real about that.  You can be joyful she has her wanted baby while still knowing it really sucks your baby died.  Except sometimes the being joyful bit is hard.

#5 FurryTongue

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:11 PM

My thoughts are with you in this difficult period of your life. I have had several miscarriages and it took years for me to be able to even LOOK at a pregnant woman and not feel like I was being stabbed in the heart. I can't begin to imagine the turmoil you are feeling.
Don't beat yourself up about how you feel and grieve. Could you explain to your friend you just find it too hard to be arouund newborn babies? I am sure as your best friend she wold have considered you may be feeling like this. Don't feel ashamed of your emotions. You are entitled to them and miscarriage is such a cruel, cruel thing.
I wish you all the best.

#6 Percival

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:22 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

#7 livingos

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:39 PM

I am sorry for your losses.  It is a crappy time so just let yourself feel what you are feeling and try to find a "safe " person to vent to.
I have a group of friends formed from a pregnancy group with our first kids. As you can image we were all TTC #2 about the same time, unfortunately I was the first to fall and the first to lose.  Like you one of my friends was due within a few weeks of me. I even steeled myself and went to see her in hospital when they had the baby. One day they kid of thrust the baby on me . I could deal with visiting but not with holding the baby. I am sure they were well intentioned.  In that situation it isn't easy to say " ummm please take your baby back".  
One of the girls in my group wasn't planning to ttc and she was my rock. She knew I was taking about my pain not  being unhappy for our other friends per se.
That loss was a molar pregnancy so I couldn't even start TTC until the EDD, that and the health implications had me in a very dark place for a while.
Do your best and be honest.  I met another friend when her boy was 7 months old and our baby would have been around that age too, plus I had another loss in the mean time.  It was very hard to be around them at that time.  Luckliy she understood why I was so detached.

Only time helps and it is a hard line to walk between not  getting lost in the pain but giving yourself the space you need to grieve and work through it.
Lots of hugs.

#8 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:32 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

It hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sometimes I think the anticipation is worse than the event because we have so much more time to mull over the possibilities, imagining the very worst.
I arranged to meet her new baby at a time when our dh's could be there, because I figured at least if I fell apart, dh could do the driving home. And it was okay, I felt a bit weird, but otherwise okay. She offered me a hold and I declined.
I am a sahm, and she is coming from work, so I invited her to my Playgroup where because she knew no one else, I did end up holding her baby while she went out to her car. And again, it wasn't how I thought it would be, I didn't actually bother cooing or engaging, but it didn't hurt me.
I can now willingly pick her up and talk to her.

I'm not sure how it happened actually, it's like I've healed more than I thought I could. It's as if coming to that due date has meant I've said goodbye to the untapped potential I was grieving. I've stopped wondering who he or she might have been, for the most part. I think I have mostly forgiven myself for all the things I regret about that day, and while I'll never get to forget or stop regretting, it doesn't come to me as often as it did.

Being a meant to be Christmas baby, I bought a tear shaped glass ornament with white feathers inside, and that was a real help. I could see it from the sofa and it was reassuring whenever it caught my eye. . Since we packed up Christmas, I found I really missed it and so have put a 'bear of hope' someone gave me on the bookshelf. It helps just knowing she's there.

What has upset me is my friend is already making plans for number 3. Her ob gave her the clear to start at 6 months, which she's planning on and the whole time she was telling me this I wanted to scream at her. Why can't she appreciate the miracle she has? I do not want to be pregnant when she is, I don't want to wonder why they deserve it and we don't.
It's actually very unreasonable of me to expect her to put her life on hold for my feelings, but I felt she should have chosen her audience better. It really hurt because it was a reminder of the fact that I'm the mother of a baby no one will ever remember.


#9 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:02 PM

I am sure she is not trying to hurt you deliberately. It sounds to me as though you are not handling it as well as you thought you were.
In the first post you say she is being nice and trying not to hurt you, then in your last post you say she is upsetting you with talking about trying to have another baby.
I may be way off base, but maybe it would do you some good to talk to a councillor and try and work things out.

#10 roses99

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:45 PM

I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

#11 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:49 PM

You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

#12 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:58 PM

QUOTE (Riotproof @ 23/02/2013, 08:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.



#13 akkiandmalli

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:00 PM

Dear riot proof
It's such a hard and difficult situation to be in.. I was due to have my second son march 20 2012 my brother was due to have his first child on 1 April 2012.like you I had a late miscarriage at 18.5 weeks.. The pain was terrible when my SIL had their son he was beautiful and just made me cry inside. Every milestone is a constant reminder of my DS. It wasn't too long after I got pregnant again and now I am due around the same time so my nephew will have a cousin who's birthday will be close to his..this dd will be an other reminder of my DS..
To help me heal I have a picture of him on my wall ( ultrasound at 13 weeks) with all my other children at the same gestional age.
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you

#14 balletmom4

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:03 PM

I'm so sorry OP. A few years ago (actually 8), my BFF and I were both pregnant with our 4th babies. Our kids were all the same age, and we joked that her baby (boy)would protect my baby (girl) from the bullies at school. I had her kids while she was in labour- we were devastated to learn that the baby had died whilst she was in labour. We had her kids overnight, until the grandparents came to get them (interstate). It was just a horrible horrible time. However, she came to see my baby when she was born and gave us a gift- I don't know how she found the strength, but she did.  I don't think in all honesty i could have done what my BFF did. I have no understanding of pregnancy loss, as I've never been through it. Hope you find the strength you need.

#15 BearBait

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

It's so hard & sometimes you could just burst out crying. Your friend is not trying to rub your nose in it or hurt you, she is just not aware how fragile you are.
Are you able to arrange some counseling to help you through? The grief is awful, a counsellor might help you get through this to a place where your thoughts are more positive. You will never forget the one you lost, but your baby surely would want you to be happy & perhaps try again.

#16 librablonde

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

I went through something similar to you OP. M/c at 18w and my good friend gave birth a few doors down from my hospital room while I was still recovering from the m/c and d&c. I was happy for her but so grief stricken and in such turmoil that I couldn't visit her. I told the nurse to go in and see my friend and tell her what happened to me and that I loved her and was happy for her. I just couldn't go in and visit her. My son had died and hers was born full-term and healthy. My friend was awesome and I texted her saying I needed time before I saw her and her newborn DS. I saw her for the first time when her DS was about 2 months old. I'd been dreading it but when the time finally came to meet and hold him he was just a jolly, chubby baby and I couldn't help warm to him. I cuddled him and it was nice. When she left my house after the visit I actually felt elated that I was able to cope again and that I could truly feel happy for her while still mourning my son.

In saying that, the weeks after my m/c were unbelievably hard, OP. I had to have various ultrasounds and examinations after the birth and each time the waiting rooms were packed with pregnant women. I'd just sit here scowling with my arms folded and stare at the carpet, it was the only way I could cope. However one time I lost it in the waiting room and starting crying so hard that the nurses moved me to a private room to howl by myself. I just lost my ability to cope at that point and felt so weak and pathetic for doing so.

OP, it will probably be very hard for a long time until you move through your grief. No matter how wonderful your friend is it will still be hard. I think the main thing is to be honest about how you feel and set boundaries for yourself and others. Give yourself time and take it day by day. I'm really sorry for your loss, OP sad.gif

Edited by librablonde, 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM.


#17 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:16 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 23/02/2013, 08:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

Thanks for understanding, rationally I know that her choices do not impact on me, but it was just too much.

i do have some people at playgroup that I've spoken about it to, more at the time than as an ongoing thing, but it's something I'll think about.

#18 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:22 PM

QUOTE (akkiandmalli @ 23/02/2013, 09:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you


Thanks A&M, I know it will be fine. It was just a shock to hear it from her, I think.

I really hope it all goes well for you.

Balletmum, you must be a really good friend. When I was talking to DH about it, I said that I don't think I would have tried had it been anyone else. It would have just been easier to drift apart.

Librablonde, I'm so sorry for your loss, you're right about boundaries, and I'm getting better at that.. just saying no to things I cant handle has made it easier I think.

Edited by Riotproof, 23 February 2013 - 08:26 PM.


#19 opethmum

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:24 PM

I am sorry for your loss and I am another one for getting some help and to try and work through your feelings and perhaps a little distance from your friend or just tell her point blank how you feel. Don't suffer in silence you are worth it and you are not alone.

#20 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:39 PM

QUOTE (fairyflossfart @ 23/02/2013, 08:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.


The thing that got me about your post was the implication that intent should change my reaction, her lack of intent doesn't make it hurt me any less, not in the moment. Sure, I can look back and see that it wasn't deliberate, but that doesn't mean I can't say it stung.

I'm sorry for your loss. Part of why I wanted posted so much, when I haven't previously is because I had no idea how lineal grief can be. I didn't realise that just because you start feeling human again, doesn't mean there won't be setbacks and regressions.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

'I will defend my son's right to wear a tutu'

Three-year-old boy Roo likes to wear tutus and, until now, it hasn't been a problem.

Chinese sign up toddlers for chief executive classes

CHILDREN as young as three are being enrolled in "chief executive courses" in China as pushy parents become obsessed with giving their offspring an advantage over their young peers.

Free ticket offer

Pinky Mckay joins us again at the Essential Baby & Toddler Show presented by Blackmores with her expert baby settling advice. Register now for your free ticket.

The 'best little baby' and the police officer who rescued him

"And just in my head, I'm a father myself, and I couldn't sit there and let him ... I couldn't let him sit in that."

Olympian sells medal to pay for child's cancer treatment

An Olympian has sold his medal to help fund cancer treatment for a 3-year-old boy.

Family of mum who took her own life speak out about PND

From the outside it looked like Allison Goldstein was blissfully happy. She had a new baby, a loving husband, and was part of a close knit-family.

For the festival lover in all of us

Pre-book & Save 50%. Get your tickets now for Kidtopia Festival. 7-9 October 2016 Parramatta Park, Sydney.

BuggyCart solves the dilemma of shopping with a pram

Ducking to the shops for some groceries is a whole other ballgame once you have a baby.

Viral photo shows powerful moment before second baby's arrival

While our second baby was very much wanted, I wondered if I could love another baby as much as I loved my first.

What does a baby with whooping cough sound like? Sometimes like this

It's a heartbreaking video that's difficult to watch, but that's just what Sydney mum of two Sandra wants people to do.

Cheers! Why we're all happy to be bad mothers now

A new generation of mums is resisting the pressure to be "perfect" - and revelling in their naughty side?

Dealing with mealtime fussiness: mums share their tips

It can be frustrating, worrying, and turn into a battle of wills - but it doesn't have to be like that

Why having a puppy is like parenting a child

Despite being a dog owner and a parent, I've never been able to relate to the idea that the two have many similarities – until now.

Baby Joey is sleeping star in adorable photos

When photographer mum Laura Izumikawa puts her baby daughter down to sleep, the last thing on her mind is rest.

The necessity of 'Do not disturb' signs for napping babies

Needless to say, the last thing any mum wants is for someone to loudly knock on the door and wake their sleeping cherub.

Mum's brutal truth about c-section: 'This is not the easy way out'

A new mum has shared photos of her caesarean section scar to prove she did not "take the easy way out" when giving birth to her son.

Twins give birth in same hospital just hours apart

Leanne went into labour on July 28, and remarkably, her twin sister Natalie soon followed.

Goki Ride-On cars for toddlers

Toddlers just love to ride on anything with wheels but will often reject the pram once they can walk.

Letting your health slide as you look after the kids? Here's how to get out of the trap

It's time to start prioritising our own health, as well as the health of our children, to avoid longer lasting health challenges.

How to child-proof every room in your house

A guide to making your home a safer place for little ones.

Portable pool safety reminder after toddler's death

The drowning of a Hobart toddler has prompted a coroner to remind the community that even inflatable and portable pools must be fenced.

I have a clingy toddler - help!

"Nothing stops the clinginess - he cries when I put him down, no matter how long I hold him."

Woman sues after botched termination leads to motherhood

A 23-year-old mother is suing her GP and the public health system for thousands of dollars to support her son after her termination went wrong.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

For the festival lover in all of us

Pre-book & Save 50%. Get your tickets now for Kidtopia Festival. 7-9 October 2016 Parramatta Park, Sydney.

Ex-Perth model stuck with 12kg leg after limb doubles in size during pregnancy

"I often have strangers coming over to me when I'm out asking bluntly what's wrong with my leg. I often just laugh now and tell them I've been attacked by a shark and walk off, it definitely stumps people."

Same sex couple 'blessed' with triplets via surrogacy

They feared they would never get to be parents, but a same sex couple is now adjusting to life with newborn triplets.

Should children be given antibiotics in their first year?

Here are the the pros and cons of giving antibiotics to young babies.

Baby born on mum AND dad's birthday

The birth of a baby is always a special occasion, but one couple who welcomed their first child earlier this week had more reason to celebrate than most.

The joys (and benefits) of show and tell

Show and tell has been around for donkey's years. Well, at least since I was a kid, and according to my own children, I'm pretty old.

Loyal dog dies saving baby's life during fire

A baby was rescued from a house fire after her family's loyal dog used his body to shield the little girl from the flames.

How having a young baby or toddler changes your home decor

What to expect when living with an older baby or toddler - and how to manage the chaos.

I'm trying to keep my child-free friends in my life, but it's tough

I tried to prove to my single friends that I was the same I'd always been. But marriage did change me - and motherhood has, too

'There's a giant picture of BOOBS but I can not feed my child'

A mum was ushered out of an US department store's underwear section after discreetly breastfeeding her baby.

How baby Evelie was saved after being born without a heartbeat

Bethanie Millar didn't believe in miracles - until baby Evelie was born, that is.

How an Aldi staff member made one exhausted mum's day

It was a simple act of kindness, but one that made an exhausted mother's day.

OvuSense: the new internal monitor helping predict ovulation

When a couple is trying to conceive it is easy for a woman to become obsessed about when she ovulates.

Mum-to-be surprises husband with big news in joy-filled photoshoot

When Bri Dow learnt that she was expecting, she immediately knew she wanted to break the news to her husband Brandon in a special way.

How a homemade wheelchair is giving baby Evelyn freedom

Like all one-year-olds, Evelyn Moore is keen to get moving and explore the world around her. But a battle with aggressive cancer left the little girl paralysed from the waist down.

Adorable: App captures special moments of pregnancy and motherhood

There's something about motherhood that turns even the most reluctant photographer into a keen shutterbug as they strive to capture all the best moments of life with a baby.

Dad shares horror tale after Roomba's run-in with dog poop

It's the poop story that's been shared hundreds of thousands of times around the world.

What I miss about commuting

A recent long commute for a job reminded me there are some potential positives to the experience.

 

SYDNEY SHOW - 23-25 Sept

Essential Baby & Toddler Show - Sydney

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show, presented by Blackmores, will be held in Sydney on 23-25 September. Register for your free ticket now to save $20!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.