Jump to content

Handling newborns after miscarriage
around teh same due date


  • Please log in to reply
19 replies to this topic

#1 Riotproof

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:12 PM

My best friend and I got pregnant within weeks of each other. We have similarly aged children and had confided in each other about TTC. Everything was going fine, we were both so excited to be doing together and having another pair of peers.
Then at 17 weeks, I lost my baby. They don't know why, but it was a fairly traumatic labour at home. My due date has been and gone, and I felt almost a sense of peace. It was like I could finally say goodbye..
But now it's hitting me, she will be a mother of two in a couple of weeks, she will be left holding a baby and I won't.

I'm wondering whether anyone else has experienced something similar. How do I steel myself? I don't want to lose her, and she's been so understanding and trying hard not to hurt me.

#2 SuburbnJournalista

Posted 18 December 2012 - 10:30 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.

#3 ggirl30

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:49 PM

[/size]Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a similar issue.I had a 7 week MC in August, but was due on the same say as a very closefriend. In fact 7 of my 8 closest friends were pregnant in 2012. Five havehealth babies, two are due in April and May. I have just had a 11 week missedMC (is that whats its called where the baby dies but you still have pregsymptoms, even on the day of D&C?). Its a tough gig dealing with other'sbabies, when your arms are empty. I ask myself what I need. Sometime I need to justcatch up with my friends with no babies, and sometime holding a baby is therapeutic.Close friends are usually pretty good at understanding, but importantly, youneed to look after yourself in this.

[size="3"]


#4 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:59 PM

QUOTE (SuburbnJournalista @ 18/12/2012, 10:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.


Have you actually lost a baby?  Because you sound utterly naive about how hard it is to be around dear friends who have the baby alive.  Focusing on how happy she is and how happy you are for her when your baby is gone?

OP it's going to hurt, it's going to be painful and it's OK to be real about that.  You can be joyful she has her wanted baby while still knowing it really sucks your baby died.  Except sometimes the being joyful bit is hard.

#5 FurryTongue

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:11 PM

My thoughts are with you in this difficult period of your life. I have had several miscarriages and it took years for me to be able to even LOOK at a pregnant woman and not feel like I was being stabbed in the heart. I can't begin to imagine the turmoil you are feeling.
Don't beat yourself up about how you feel and grieve. Could you explain to your friend you just find it too hard to be arouund newborn babies? I am sure as your best friend she wold have considered you may be feeling like this. Don't feel ashamed of your emotions. You are entitled to them and miscarriage is such a cruel, cruel thing.
I wish you all the best.

#6 **Anna**

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:22 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

#7 livingos

Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:39 PM

I am sorry for your losses.  It is a crappy time so just let yourself feel what you are feeling and try to find a "safe " person to vent to.
I have a group of friends formed from a pregnancy group with our first kids. As you can image we were all TTC #2 about the same time, unfortunately I was the first to fall and the first to lose.  Like you one of my friends was due within a few weeks of me. I even steeled myself and went to see her in hospital when they had the baby. One day they kid of thrust the baby on me . I could deal with visiting but not with holding the baby. I am sure they were well intentioned.  In that situation it isn't easy to say " ummm please take your baby back".  
One of the girls in my group wasn't planning to ttc and she was my rock. She knew I was taking about my pain not  being unhappy for our other friends per se.
That loss was a molar pregnancy so I couldn't even start TTC until the EDD, that and the health implications had me in a very dark place for a while.
Do your best and be honest.  I met another friend when her boy was 7 months old and our baby would have been around that age too, plus I had another loss in the mean time.  It was very hard to be around them at that time.  Luckliy she understood why I was so detached.

Only time helps and it is a hard line to walk between not  getting lost in the pain but giving yourself the space you need to grieve and work through it.
Lots of hugs.

#8 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 06:32 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

It hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sometimes I think the anticipation is worse than the event because we have so much more time to mull over the possibilities, imagining the very worst.
I arranged to meet her new baby at a time when our dh's could be there, because I figured at least if I fell apart, dh could do the driving home. And it was okay, I felt a bit weird, but otherwise okay. She offered me a hold and I declined.
I am a sahm, and she is coming from work, so I invited her to my Playgroup where because she knew no one else, I did end up holding her baby while she went out to her car. And again, it wasn't how I thought it would be, I didn't actually bother cooing or engaging, but it didn't hurt me.
I can now willingly pick her up and talk to her.

I'm not sure how it happened actually, it's like I've healed more than I thought I could. It's as if coming to that due date has meant I've said goodbye to the untapped potential I was grieving. I've stopped wondering who he or she might have been, for the most part. I think I have mostly forgiven myself for all the things I regret about that day, and while I'll never get to forget or stop regretting, it doesn't come to me as often as it did.

Being a meant to be Christmas baby, I bought a tear shaped glass ornament with white feathers inside, and that was a real help. I could see it from the sofa and it was reassuring whenever it caught my eye. . Since we packed up Christmas, I found I really missed it and so have put a 'bear of hope' someone gave me on the bookshelf. It helps just knowing she's there.

What has upset me is my friend is already making plans for number 3. Her ob gave her the clear to start at 6 months, which she's planning on and the whole time she was telling me this I wanted to scream at her. Why can't she appreciate the miracle she has? I do not want to be pregnant when she is, I don't want to wonder why they deserve it and we don't.
It's actually very unreasonable of me to expect her to put her life on hold for my feelings, but I felt she should have chosen her audience better. It really hurt because it was a reminder of the fact that I'm the mother of a baby no one will ever remember.


#9 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:02 PM

I am sure she is not trying to hurt you deliberately. It sounds to me as though you are not handling it as well as you thought you were.
In the first post you say she is being nice and trying not to hurt you, then in your last post you say she is upsetting you with talking about trying to have another baby.
I may be way off base, but maybe it would do you some good to talk to a councillor and try and work things out.

#10 roses99

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:45 PM

I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

#11 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:49 PM

You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

#12 DEVOCEAN

Posted 23 February 2013 - 07:58 PM

QUOTE (Riotproof @ 23/02/2013, 08:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You are off base. I'm not saying she's trying to hurt me, I'm saying that it does hurt me. People hurt people unintentionally all the time, I never said it was malicious.
I may be wrong, but your post reads to me like someone who hasn't experienced anything similar.

I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.



#13 akkiandmalli

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:00 PM

Dear riot proof
It's such a hard and difficult situation to be in.. I was due to have my second son march 20 2012 my brother was due to have his first child on 1 April 2012.like you I had a late miscarriage at 18.5 weeks.. The pain was terrible when my SIL had their son he was beautiful and just made me cry inside. Every milestone is a constant reminder of my DS. It wasn't too long after I got pregnant again and now I am due around the same time so my nephew will have a cousin who's birthday will be close to his..this dd will be an other reminder of my DS..
To help me heal I have a picture of him on my wall ( ultrasound at 13 weeks) with all my other children at the same gestional age.
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you

#14 balletmom4

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:03 PM

I'm so sorry OP. A few years ago (actually 8), my BFF and I were both pregnant with our 4th babies. Our kids were all the same age, and we joked that her baby (boy)would protect my baby (girl) from the bullies at school. I had her kids while she was in labour- we were devastated to learn that the baby had died whilst she was in labour. We had her kids overnight, until the grandparents came to get them (interstate). It was just a horrible horrible time. However, she came to see my baby when she was born and gave us a gift- I don't know how she found the strength, but she did.  I don't think in all honesty i could have done what my BFF did. I have no understanding of pregnancy loss, as I've never been through it. Hope you find the strength you need.

#15 BearBait

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

It's so hard & sometimes you could just burst out crying. Your friend is not trying to rub your nose in it or hurt you, she is just not aware how fragile you are.
Are you able to arrange some counseling to help you through? The grief is awful, a counsellor might help you get through this to a place where your thoughts are more positive. You will never forget the one you lost, but your baby surely would want you to be happy & perhaps try again.

#16 librablonde

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM

I went through something similar to you OP. M/c at 18w and my good friend gave birth a few doors down from my hospital room while I was still recovering from the m/c and d&c. I was happy for her but so grief stricken and in such turmoil that I couldn't visit her. I told the nurse to go in and see my friend and tell her what happened to me and that I loved her and was happy for her. I just couldn't go in and visit her. My son had died and hers was born full-term and healthy. My friend was awesome and I texted her saying I needed time before I saw her and her newborn DS. I saw her for the first time when her DS was about 2 months old. I'd been dreading it but when the time finally came to meet and hold him he was just a jolly, chubby baby and I couldn't help warm to him. I cuddled him and it was nice. When she left my house after the visit I actually felt elated that I was able to cope again and that I could truly feel happy for her while still mourning my son.

In saying that, the weeks after my m/c were unbelievably hard, OP. I had to have various ultrasounds and examinations after the birth and each time the waiting rooms were packed with pregnant women. I'd just sit here scowling with my arms folded and stare at the carpet, it was the only way I could cope. However one time I lost it in the waiting room and starting crying so hard that the nurses moved me to a private room to howl by myself. I just lost my ability to cope at that point and felt so weak and pathetic for doing so.

OP, it will probably be very hard for a long time until you move through your grief. No matter how wonderful your friend is it will still be hard. I think the main thing is to be honest about how you feel and set boundaries for yourself and others. Give yourself time and take it day by day. I'm really sorry for your loss, OP sad.gif

Edited by librablonde, 23 February 2013 - 08:09 PM.


#17 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:16 PM

QUOTE (roses99 @ 23/02/2013, 08:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?

Thanks for understanding, rationally I know that her choices do not impact on me, but it was just too much.

i do have some people at playgroup that I've spoken about it to, more at the time than as an ongoing thing, but it's something I'll think about.

#18 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:22 PM

QUOTE (akkiandmalli @ 23/02/2013, 09:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tread lightly OP be kind to yourself.. Try and explain to your friend that sometime it is hard for you.
I hope that you have others to support you at this time
Big hugs for you


Thanks A&M, I know it will be fine. It was just a shock to hear it from her, I think.

I really hope it all goes well for you.

Balletmum, you must be a really good friend. When I was talking to DH about it, I said that I don't think I would have tried had it been anyone else. It would have just been easier to drift apart.

Librablonde, I'm so sorry for your loss, you're right about boundaries, and I'm getting better at that.. just saying no to things I cant handle has made it easier I think.

Edited by Riotproof, 23 February 2013 - 08:26 PM.


#19 opethmum

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:24 PM

I am sorry for your loss and I am another one for getting some help and to try and work through your feelings and perhaps a little distance from your friend or just tell her point blank how you feel. Don't suffer in silence you are worth it and you are not alone.

#20 Riotproof

Posted 23 February 2013 - 08:39 PM

QUOTE (fairyflossfart @ 23/02/2013, 08:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was not nasty or uncaring and I never said you said she is trying to hurt you. I just said I didn't think she was trying to hurt you. Which yes, usually means it is unintentional.
I never said it was malicious, those were all your words.
Oh and yes, I did lose a baby whilst my SIL was in hospital having hers. Yes it hurts, I know.
I also never said your feelings were not right. I just think maybe you need to talk to someone such as a councellor who may be able to help you sort your feelings out better.


The thing that got me about your post was the implication that intent should change my reaction, her lack of intent doesn't make it hurt me any less, not in the moment. Sure, I can look back and see that it wasn't deliberate, but that doesn't mean I can't say it stung.

I'm sorry for your loss. Part of why I wanted posted so much, when I haven't previously is because I had no idea how lineal grief can be. I didn't realise that just because you start feeling human again, doesn't mean there won't be setbacks and regressions.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Finding baby name inspiration in unusual places

Sometimes the greatest baby name ideas come from the most unexpected places, as these EB members show.

The case for inducing at 37 weeks

While we often think of pregnancy as a 40 week affair, experts agree that 37 weeks is actually “full term". So is there an argument for inducing all births at 37 weeks?

Does controlled crying really work?

Controlled-crying techniques may help some babies sleep through the night, but for many exhausted new parents, it's just a recipe for more tears all round.

How I taught my infant to use a toilet

As people become more aware of these benefits, I hope more parents will practice this method, so we can cut down on nappies and improve baby bonding.

'I thought it was impossible': Emily Symons pregnant at 45

Aussie actress Emily Symons has announced she is pregnant with her first baby.

Shallow water blackout kills fit, healthy dad

A little girl will grow up without her father after the fit and healthy 34-year-old passed away while doing something he had practised his whole life.

Afternoon naps may be bad for toddlers' sleep

You could be doing yourself a disservice by encouraging your toddler to have an afternoon nap, according to new research.

Best gifts for newborns, new mums and christenings

We've compiled a guide to some of the most popular presents for newborns and new mums, and for christenings and naming days.

Jaime King to be a mum again

Actress Jaime King is pregnant with her second child, giving 16-month-old James a sibling.

Nannies should receive government funding

The Abbott government should extend funding to nannies, and direct childcare payments to low and middle income families, a landmark study on childcare has found. 

Common skin irritations in newborns (and how to treat them)

As many as one in two newborn babies suffer from skin irritations in their first few weeks. So what are the most common rashes and irritations to look out for?

10 wall decals for the nursery or playroom

Wall decals are the answer to creating a beautiful nursery or children's space without lifting a paint brush, a spirit level or even a hammer.

Preschooler walks 2.4km home alone

Three-year-old Cain Trainor headed off home after his first day at a new preschool without telling anyone.

Video: Why mums get nothing done

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

The middle name game

The middle name is no longer an afterthought, and parents' inspiration comes from many places.

Have a baby or your money back - but there's a catch

A new IVF scheme offers couples the chance to fall pregnant and give birth - or get their money back. But there's more to it than you might think.

A rare glimpse inside the womb

A baby born still inside the amniotic sac gave US doctors a rare glimpse at life inside the womb.

Battered mum forced to write to her attacker ex in jail

Three years ago Jason Hughes viciously attacked his ex-partner. Now she has to write to him three times a year.

Woman pleads not guilty to ultrasound scam

A West Australian woman will fight allegations that she scammed expectant mums by selling them fake ultrasound pictures of babies.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Brain damaged mum receives compensation

A Sydney mother who suffered brain damage when she was hit by a car while pushing her newborn baby in a pram has reached a confidential out-of-court settlement with the driver's insurance company.

Indigenous midwives break down the barriers

A culturally sensitive midwifery service has gained the trust and respect of Aboriginal women.

The Katering Show's next big delivery

Most mums-to-be plan to take things easy and perhaps have a little break from work as the birth of their baby draws near. Not Kate McCartney.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

Why I have mixed feelings about Cindy Crawford's leaked photo

Last week an un-retouched photo of model Cindy Crawford surfaced, showing the 48-year-old mother-of -two posing in underwear.

How to create a Peppa Pig pancake

Thought your toddler could not love pancakes any more than they already do? How about if the breakfast treat came in the shape of every two-year-old's favourite cartoon character?

'It's a little life, not a little loss': pregnancy after miscarriage

I thought I was never going to be able to have a successful pregnancy. I decided that I wasn't going to form an emotional attachment with this baby.

Bonds Baby Search 2015: what you need to know

February 18 marks the start of one of the most prolific annual baby competitions in Australia: the Bonds Baby Search. And this year is going to be more special than ever.

Who will manage your Facebook account when you're gone?

This is not something that people like to talk about, but Facebook has announced that it will grant users more control over what happens to their pages after they die.

Struggling mum of four wins $188 million

Mother of four Marie Holmes was financially struggling after quitting her jobs at Walmart and McDonald's in order to care for her children.

Pregnant obese women a 'relatively new problem', coroner hears

A first-time mother whose daughter died hours after her frightening birth insists she was never told of the risks of being obese and pregnant.

'I'm angry as hell': the story behind mum's passionate vaccination plea

She has labelled parents who do not vaccinate their children "misinformed imbeciles" - and for that, she makes no apologies.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

8 different kinds of tantrums

I never thought I’d say this, but for a brief moment last week, Kim Kardashian and I had something in common: both our kids had public tantrums.

Polycystic ovary syndrome: symptoms, treatment and your fertility

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female hormonal condition, affecting roughly one in 12 Australian women.

What's the best position for giving birth?

If doing it on your back is out, what's the best position for labour and birth?

Wife forgives snake catcher husband for car surprise

With Valentine's Day coming up, Nat Gilbert could be forgiven for thinking her husband might be planning a surprise for her.

Kids who meet milestones at their own pace

We usually only hear the success stories: tales of the two-year-old who’s talking, running and completely toilet trained. But other stories need to be told too.

Ruby shines as Bonds Baby

Sarah Kiss has a word of advice for proud mums and dads who are keen to enter their babies in this year's Bonds Baby Search Competition - just have fun.

Why dads should go to sleep school

If your family needs to go to sleep school, go with them. You are part of that family and you are part of the solution.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Win a KitchenAid Mixer

Let's celebrate 300,000 fans on Facebook

To celebrate, and to thank our amazing fans, we?re giving away a KitchenAid Artisan Tilt-Head Stand Mixer.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.