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Is/was your child a bully?
And how did you find out?


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#1 ~~~

Posted 18 December 2012 - 05:28 PM

Evening all,
As the title says, have you had a child who is a bully? Or a teaser? Or just not very nice to other kids?

How did you find out?

Was it very overt bullying or more subtle? Was it by excluding the victim, or verbal "niggling"?

I'd especially love to hear from parents whose children were "nice kids", "good kids" and who didn't hear about it necessarily through the school or "official" channels.....

And for those who are willing to share, what did you do when you found out? Did your child admit or acknowledge it or were they evasive and you never quite got the details/full story etc?

Thank you mellow.gif

Edited by ~~~, 18 December 2012 - 05:32 PM.


#2 Lady Excentrique

Posted 18 December 2012 - 07:17 PM

bumping cause this is something i'm curious about. evidently both my pair are very good at school.

#3 ~~~

Posted 18 December 2012 - 07:19 PM

Excentrique - sorry, just clarifying, do you mean that you have suspicions that they are bullying but are little angels at school etc or something else?

#4 brazen

Posted 18 December 2012 - 07:30 PM

he has had a go at it - excluding and calling names - the school found out and told me.

it's very disappointing but he's now being bullied himself, hopefully he will learn from that experience and not do it to anyone else again sad.gif

#5 ~~~

Posted 18 December 2012 - 07:35 PM

The reason I ask is that I had an interesting conversation with another parent today and it appears that the school isn't doing anything about her DD's situation. When I asked if my DD was involved, I received a reply in the affirmative but she declined to give further details..... I would have hoped if it had been raised at the school and DD mentioned, that I would have been notified.... is this naive?

#6 JustBeige

Posted 18 December 2012 - 07:53 PM

QUOTE (~~~ @ 18/12/2012, 08:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The reason I ask is that I had an interesting conversation with another parent today and it appears that the school isn't doing anything about her DD's situation. When I asked if my DD was involved, I received a reply in the affirmative but she declined to give further details..... I would have hoped if it had been raised at the school and DD mentioned, that I would have been notified.... is this naive?

Not naive I dont think.

You have only the parents side of events.

Its hard to know if the school isnt truly doing something about it or if the parents are overreacting.  Your friend wasnt forthcoming with any details, so how are you supposed to address this with your child?  and it also makes me wonder what is truly happening.  

For example - We had a child at school who was saying one thing to her parent and behaving another way entirely at school (I had a big long story written out, but deleted it as it could possibly ID a child). The mother didnt believe the school or the childs teacher at all.

I guess you could talk to the teacher specifically about your own DDs behaviour or you could gently broach it with your DD - ie: ask her how her day went? was everyone OK?  anyone have any fights? Is such and such well?   try and approach it from gentle questoning POV

#7 ~~~

Posted 18 December 2012 - 08:37 PM

Justbeige - I agree with what you are saying, its just that my parental spidey senses are tingling and I know that DD isn't keen on this other little girl. I just hadn't thought that it would extend to exclusive behaviour etc.

I have heard through the school grapevine that where bullying is an issue, it's not necessarily dealt with appropriately or proactively, esp when the alleged perpetrators are "smart, nice kids" .....

Oh, and when I was talking to DD about this girl and any difficulties etc, she was rather evasive (which is unlike her unless she's not telling me the whole story)

ETA - we don't try and push DD into friendships with everyone, obviously there are personality differences that happen, but I honestly never thought that she would be actively (or passively) involved in bullying, even if she isn't keen on another kid. We're taking this situation as an opportunity to discuss what is involved with hurting other people's feelings etc, what to do when you are in a group that is doing that kind of stuff and a few topics like that.

Edited by ~~~, 18 December 2012 - 08:51 PM.


#8 JustBeige

Posted 19 December 2012 - 07:10 PM

QUOTE
ETA - we don't try and push DD into friendships with everyone, obviously there are personality differences that happen, but I honestly never thought that she would be actively (or passively) involved in bullying, even if she isn't keen on another kid. We're taking this situation as an opportunity to discuss what is involved with hurting other people's feelings etc, what to do when you are in a group that is doing that kind of stuff and a few topics like that.
  Its hard to get the balance right isnt it?  

On the one hand we say to them "well, its OK if you dont like them, you dont have to, just be polite, but dont play with them. play with someone else".... then we get told our child is being exclusive and or nasty.    

They (kids) dont understand that "go away I dont like you" even if said in a nice tone of voice is still hurtful.  and if you have a situation where the school is generally useless, they arent getting class lessons on how to be nice and inclusive.      Some schools are so behind in their policies that they just think "oh yay they arent punching or stabbing someone with a pair of scissors, all is good"  when its actually not.  

I would (and have done and continue to do) is really make the "how would you feel" lesson the main one.   I would probably also talk to the teacher and ask them to include some friendship lessons as part of the class.






#9 Expelliarmus

Posted 19 December 2012 - 07:14 PM

QUOTE (~~~ @ 18/12/2012, 07:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The reason I ask is that I had an interesting conversation with another parent today and it appears that the school isn't doing anything about her DD's situation. When I asked if my DD was involved, I received a reply in the affirmative but she declined to give further details..... I would have hoped if it had been raised at the school and DD mentioned, that I would have been notified.... is this naive?

It's been my experience that families frequently claim the school isn't doing anything when this is far from the case.

Initial attempts to resolve the situation are not always done with family involvement. If it is in the early stages you may not yet be involved.

School's pretty much over in most places by now but checking in with the teacher would be appropriate. "How's DD going? Is she having any difficulties, I know she was not enjoying a friendship with X."


#10 ~~~

Posted 19 December 2012 - 09:21 PM

Howdo - I actually managed to have a quick word with the teacher today, asking outright if DD had been involved in bullying this other girl. The teacher was pretty straight up about it and said no. With this information, I have adjusted my ideas. I think perhaps DD was a more passive participant, and that she knows what was happening wasn't nice, hence the evasive behaviour.
I did find a link to a government anti-bullying website http://www.takeastandtogether.gov.au and will be showing DD some of it during the holidays.

I guess I feel kind of relieved that she hasn't been directly implicated as a bully, but the sensitivity (or lack thereof) is something that does concern me. The one positive thing though is that this is opening a new avenue to discuss for our family, which is very valuable, as it really wasn't on our radar before.

ETA - Justbeige - the other problem is that although I was bullied at primary school for years, I've grown up and moved on and am a much more confident adult etc. Its hard to put oneself in the mindset of a school age child. If I was dealing with a bully as an adult, I would have a totally different reaction to when I was younger. Plus I wasn't generally mean to other kids (we've just had this conversation the other night - DD was asking me, and I honestly couldn't remember being nasty other than a couple of times - maybe I'm having memory loss or maybe its an accurate reflection of my personality then). But yes, advising on and getting a certain balance can be tricky. I'd like to assume common sense, but then DD comes out with some doozies sometimes that makes me wonder if I sounded like that at her age laughing2.gif

Edited by ~~~, 19 December 2012 - 09:30 PM.


#11 handsfull

Posted 19 December 2012 - 09:49 PM

I know my DDs were bullied by one child over the past 2 years, in fact both girls and boys were....but because she was very clever, did it very quietly and was hardly caught, the teacher said she couldn't see  it happening when I brought it to her attention, however when multiple parents complained she started to notice things.  Funny though after I asked the teacher this child stuck like glue to the teacher whenever I came into class and had a word regarding anything, to the point the teacher had to ask her to move away all the time.  Obviously very guilty and was trying to find out if she was going to get into trouble...

However I ended up taking my DD to psych for anxiety as she was picking at herself and her twin was saying this girl was mean to DD.  It came out in watching them reinact things that had happened at school while I was slightly away from them.  They thought I was reading a book but I was watching.  What they re-enacted was incredible and they couldn't have made it up as it was just so wrong and mean.  I had another mother come up to me at the shops and mention that she was going to the teacher after she had spoken to me as her daughter was really upset at what this child had done to my DDs and to her.

So yes they can be evasive if something has happened and I think it needs to get "out" of them and they understand how to handle situations whether they be the bully or the bullied.

Hopefully this child won't be in your daughter's case next year and it settles down.  If not make sure it is dealt with as you don't want patterns to be put in place for future friends or years at school.

Edited by handsfull, 19 December 2012 - 09:50 PM.





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