Jump to content

Lending Money to Family


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:57 PM

I just found out last week that DH is still continuously lending money to BIL.  He slipped out jokingly something like "I better put some money in this account just in case BIL need cash to pay the bill?"  I was pretty angry when I found out that I didn't know that we are still lending money to them.  

The thing is:
They originally owned 2 investment properties however now we owned them 50/50 with them because we have been paying the mortgages of the houses that they couldn't pay and if they had to give up the house then they would incurred a big loss; so that we ended up paying it and saying after a long while that you won't be able to pay us back, we would rather half owned the house rather than risking not getting anything back.  

We also had shares in the company that BIL's partnered coz at one point they needed the fund for it to continue and until now, 4-5 years along, we still had not seen any profit or return from that.  

I just found out last week as well that on top of DH occasional paying of their house bills, BIL owes a few other family and friends money.

But this is their lifestyle; Their kids just went to holiday camp that cost $2000, they went to races in lovely outfits and hats and bet for horses three days in a week at one time, they have a spa in their backyard, $2000 lounge chair, their pet goes to pet hotel when they go for holiday, their house is full of gadgets, wii and whatever else.  

I am happy if DH helps out if they need to put food on table, or the kids don't have clothing or something to that degree. What I was angry at was the fact that we can't even afford a deposit to put for our own place while they were living like royals.  Don't get me wrong we live comfortably, but there are things that we want to have like our own house, that we need to wait to get because we don't have the money for it at the moment.  And I have been wanting to buy our own house since we got engaged some 5 years ago, just because the money that we have been saving to buy that house has been paying those mortgages.  So last week we decided last week no more.

Yesterday however, (as if he knows we were talking bout them), BIL sent a msg to DH again saying they don't have any cash or credit and he doesn't know how to get through until he gets paid (considering it it his own business he doesn't seem to get paid regularly) with bills and rent not paid yet.  He does sound really stressed out and at his really low point (I can't imagine him being that stressed out as he looks so carefree every time I see him).  I do feel sorry for him being stuck in a place that they had dug themselves.  Now DH is suggesting to me that we pay the bills and rent that necessary to be paid on terms that FIL is in charge of their finances until they can pay us back in full whatever they owe us.  This means they don't have access to their money, they are to be given allowance for food and whatever necessary weekly and bills are paid straight away by FIL.  DH is now asking me to whether I agree to that this is the best way to go.  

On one side I feel enough is enough, this has been going on for as long as I know DH.  They have to learn how to cope without help anymore.  They surely earn enough, they just don't spend wisely.  if they don't find ways to increase their income, they must find a way to decrease their spending.  And I don't want to be put in a situation that basically I can't do what I want with our money because we need to help them out. On the other side though, I do feel sorry and bad that they now don't know how to pay rent and bills.  

I need suggestion of what would you do if this happens to you?  In theory I would say don't help anymore, but if it is your siblings wouldn't you help?  So help with terms attached or just let them figure it out themselves?

Thanks for reading this ladies.


#2 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:58 PM

Just realised how long it was, sorry!

#3 Tigerdog

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:07 PM

Oh my God OP, that's outrageous!  I think it's time they cut their losses and paid the consequences for dodgy financial decisions.  Put the properties on the market, get your money back and that's the end of it.  They won't curtail their lifestyle whilever someone else is paying!

#4 QueenElsa

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:08 PM

Stop paying them now. Just cut financial ties with them. Put money aside in an account for your home deposit so you can't touch it and there's not spare cash to give away. Are you on the title deeds for the investments? If not get your names on it now.

BIL can sell the lounge chairs, gadgets, cancel holidays and sell investment properties to get by.  FIL can keep cash for them if necessary but it shouldn't be your cash.  However professional help would be better for them.

My BIL asks for money too despite living the high life...we say no we can't help you, we don't have it.

Edited by doctorseuss, 17 December 2012 - 02:10 PM.


#5 boatiebabe

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:09 PM

It's time for them to sink or swim on their own.

No you, no Dh, no FIL being responsible.

BIL and SIL need to go it alone, otherwise you are all enabling them.

#6 fatbelly

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:15 PM

They need to step up for themselves and you need to be in sole charge of your familys finances so your DH can't slip money to BIL (because he will)

Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.

#7 ///

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:28 PM

QUOTE (fatbelly @ 17/12/2012, 03:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
They need to step up for themselves and you need to be in sole charge of your familys finances so your DH can't slip money to BIL (because he will)

Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.


Agree with this.

#8 PrincessPeach

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:31 PM

I'm sorry if you can afford a $2,000 holiday, you can afford to put food on the table, unless of course there is an emergency or something, then I would be telling them no. I'd also force their hand at selling the rental properties...there is no way I'd be funding someone elses tax cut.

#9 Mousky

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:36 PM

I personally would (and have) suggested cash converters. My sister always wanted to borrow money off family. It wasn't until we all stopped and suggested she start pawning all her gadgets that she started being financially resposnible.

#10 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 03:08 PM

QUOTE (doctorseuss @ 17/12/2012, 12:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Stop paying them now. Just cut financial ties with them. Put money aside in an account for your home deposit so you can't touch it and there's not spare cash to give away. Are you on the title deeds for the investments? If not get your names on it now.

BIL can sell the lounge chairs, gadgets, cancel holidays and sell investment properties to get by.  FIL can keep cash for them if necessary but it shouldn't be your cash.  However professional help would be better for them.

My BIL asks for money too despite living the high life...we say no we can't help you, we don't have it.


Yup, we have our name on the properties.  We are, because of his last msg as well, now in discussion on letting go of these properties

Thanks for the suggestion on them selling their stuff to cover.  This is something I have not thought about and worth discussing with DH.  I'm pretty sure DH may see this is a drastic suggestion for them and I think BIL and SIL would have a really hard time doing this (ego thing and the realisation that it has gone this bad).  But worth discussing and somehow can't see how BIL would learn how to get out of it if this is not the way.

QUOTE (fatbelly @ 17/12/2012, 12:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.


TBH, I probably expect by now that there is a big chance that what we lend them may never come back to us.  Too much for too long already.  

Problems just seem much simpler now. Haha.  Thanks ladies.  




#11 Ally'smum

Posted 17 December 2012 - 03:23 PM

I would be cutting them off as well.

You are just enabling them and at your own expense.

When we have been asked to lend money we just say 'no we don't have it' we do have it but it is for our families future, not to prop up relatives who are living in fantasy land.

#12 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:00 PM

I just quickly told DH that I think we shouldn't help anymore, but discuss further when he gets home.  TBH, I do feel really bad in making that decision although I know that it is the right one.  I feel mean and somehow think how would DH feels if it is my siblings in reverse situation that I wanna help.  

This is the problem, it wasn't even my problem. Now I feel like the bad guy.  Just venting now ..

#13 katpaws

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:27 PM

OP, if these people were starving and looking like they were being tossed on to the streets to live it would be a different matter but they aren't. It sounds like they live a comfortable life. You are not doing anything wrong by saying enough is enough.



#14 Freddie'sMum

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:31 PM

OP

If I was you - I would be very angry with my DH first and foremost.

Your BIL is big enough and ugly enough to sort out his own finances.  Your DH is enabling him to throw his hands up in the air and say "it's just too hard / it's too unfair" (which is what my children say to me all the time when I ask them to tidy their rooms).

Step away from lending / giving him money and ask your DH to do the same.



#15 steppy

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:40 PM

I think you are in a bad position. The family obviously chooses to enable this ridiculous behaviour by your BIL and treat him like a child - no wonder he is always carefree - children really are.

I can't see how you can deal with it without causing a rift between your husband and FIL and BIL.

Honestly, no, I don't think I could continue to put up with it while my own needs continued to be put on the back burner. I think I would try this idea with FIL paying them an allowance only, but if FIL has spent this long enabling this behaviour, do you think it will really work? And will you have the opportunity at the end to stop any further paying out when the arrangement is over?

#16 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 06:32 PM

QUOTE (steppy @ 17/12/2012, 02:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I can't see how you can deal with it without causing a rift between your husband and FIL and BIL.

Honestly, no, I don't think I could continue to put up with it while my own needs continued to be put on the back burner. I think I would try this idea with FIL paying them an allowance only, but if FIL has spent this long enabling this behaviour, do you think it will really work? And will you have the opportunity at the end to stop any further paying out when the arrangement is over?


I don't know if this arrangement would really work, until we give it a go.  In my brief discussion with DH over the phone before, he seems to think that WE don't have any option but to help him, he is leaning towards helping him.  This is what I don't like, HE is put in a situation where it looks like WE have no option.  Although FIL would help if the arrangement goes, I would feel then he thinks this becomes HIS problem as well.  

And I don't want this to become some source of "argument" between me and DH, just because we can't agree.  Obviously this is not OUR problem.  

TBH, I somehow can't see how they would stop borrowing money coz they have been doing it for so long.  As PP said I think it needs a lot more 'intervention' or professional help than just terms and conditions on loans.  






1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Dealing with a toddler's morning tantrums

Your schedule is not important to your two-year-old, and you cannot convince her otherwise. So what can you do?

Child in suitcase 'could have died eight years ago'

A child whose remains were dumped in a suitcase in the South Australian bush is believed to have been a girl aged between two-and-a-half to four.

MP breastfeeds baby during parliamentary session

An Argentinian mum and politician has caused a stir on social media after being filmed breastfeeding her baby.

My baby's first seizure

It was 1am on a cold winter's night when I woke suddenly to the screams of my 12-month-old son. Our lives were about to change forever.

Portable pools 'more dangerous than permanent ones'

Inflatable and portable children's pools may be required to be sold with compulsory fencing to prevent backyard drownings, with some experts even floating the idea of a ban.

Heartbreaking moment mum kisses her one-week-old goodbye

At 11.07am on April 2 this year, Sarah Marriott welcomed baby Sebastian into the world.

The amazing Tee Pee bed and kid-friendly Frankie Bunk bed

These kids' beds definitely fit the brief of providing personality and personal space for little people who are moving up in the world.

The funny things kids say when you're pregnant

Since becoming noticeably pregnant, my son has taken more of an interest in the sibling he'll soon have.

The real problem with having one child

In this age of political correctness, it seems the one subject still subject to discrimination is that of the Only Child.

Six-week-old baby found dead, believed stabbed

A neighbour heard a child screaming before a baby was found dead, believed to have been stabbed, in a house in Newcastle.

The fire hazard in more than 70,000 Australian homes

So far, 206 Samsung washing machines have caught fire and some have exploded. But many remain in people's homes.

How having a baby can bring on OCD

We all know that having a baby can turn your life upside down - and it can also bring a raft of new anxieties and worries.

IVF gender selection being considered for Australian parents

Couples using IVF may be able to choose the gender of their babies and women could be financially compensated for donating their eggs.

The best age to get married (according to the latest study)

Not too young, and not too old. That's reportedly the best age to get married. Not everyone agrees.

Yes, you can get pregnant before your period returns post-baby

After giving birth, the last thing you want to think about is contraception. But you can get pregnant before your period comes back.

Fellow diner rewards mum after toddler's tantrum

Parents of toddlers everywhere know the feeling. After working up the courage to take your child out for lunch or dinner in public you are rewarded with a mid-meal meltdown. 

IKEA begins massive safety campaign after two toddler deaths

Two children were killed when pieces from their Malm furniture line tipped over.

Beaneasy: sweet nursery furniture with a twist

If you're looking to introduce an organic element into your baby's nursery but want to step away from natural timber, we have the perfect alternative.

A dad's guide to hyperemesis

I am in no way qualified to advise women on how to cope with hyperemesis, but I've learnt some lessons that might be worth sharing with other partners.

Woman adopts best friend's four daughters after cancer tragedy

Best friends share everything - and for these two life-long friends, that includes family.

Baby Leo's mum excluded from $500K trust 'for her own protection'

Samuel Forrest didn't want his wife as a trustee of their baby Leo's half million dollar trust for her own "protection", it has emerged.

Confirmed: men gain weight when they become dads

Men who become fathers experience weight gain and an increase in body mass index, a measurement of body fat based on height and weight, according to a new, large-scale study

Carer investigated over washing machine photo posted 'for a laugh'

She said the photo of a boy with Down syndrome in a washing machine was taken just for fun, but no one else was laughing.

Mum's premature labour nightmare after high tea salmonella outbreak

An opulent high tea at a luxury Melbourne hotel has left 44 people with salmonella poisoning - including a pregnant woman, who went into early labour.

The day my son started a fire

Would you know what to do in a fire emergency? How safe is your home and family?

Prince George celebrates second birthday

Prince George's second birthday has been marked by the release of an official picture showing the toddler smiling as he is held by his proud beaming father.

Which beauty treatments are safe in pregnancy?

Is it safe to use fake tan, hair dye and nail varnish during pregnancy?

The five ways I know my 'baby' is no longer a baby

The truth is, I can no longer deny that my walking, babbling, somewhat-independent little miss is no longer a bona fide 'baby'.

Review: Cybex Platinum PRIAM pram

I'm not usually one who believes in love at first sight but that's exactly what happened when I first saw the Cybex PRIAM.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Tell us what you think

to WIN 1 of 2 $500 Coles/Myer gift cards

Why I'm choosing to be a single mother right from the start

I believe that you get out of families what you put into them, and I will give mine my all.

Mother and baby units are a necessity for mental health, not a luxury

I have had two postnatal psychotic episodes. The first when my eldest child was six weeks old, and another after my second child was born.

30 French baby names

French names are always in fashion, but a few have risen in popularity in recent years.

New mum's Spanish maternity nightmare

A British woman who gave birth in Spain has told of her ordeal after spending weeks trying to convince medics the baby girl was hers.

Preparing Rover to be a good dog with baby

Some friends of ours say that it's dangerous to have a dog around a newborn and that we should start looking for a new home for him. Is it?

Company offers to ship working mums' breast milk home

First Apple and Facebook announced they would pay $20,000 towards the cost of their female employees freezing their eggs, now IBM in the US has come up with an innovative new policy aimed at retaining female employees.

Prince William speaks of his pride at wife Kate and 'little joy of heaven' Charlotte

The Duke of Cambridge opened up about family life and his plans for the future in an interview to mark his first day as an air ambulance pilot.

'Glowing' eye saves baby Mason's life

A simple photo taken in front of an evening fire gave new mother Sarah Bowers the power to save her baby's life. 

Parenting and decision overload

Of all the advice people told me before having a baby, no one warned me about the amount of decisions involved.

Proof that toddlers can't be left unsupervised - ever

Parents of toddlers all know the moment when realise your child is being suspiciously quiet. It can only mean one thing - trouble!

Meet Jeremy Ryan, The Voice contestant with seven kids

If you have trouble recalling the ages of Jeremy Ryan's seven children on The Voice, you're not alone. So does he.

Baby's adorable reaction to wearing glasses for the first time

Getting glasses can be a formative moment in a person's life.

Police officer buys supplies for family after mum of six caught shoplifting

When a mum of six was caught shoplifting nappies, clothes and shoes for her kids, the last thing she expected was for a stranger to pay for her haul.

Why pregnant women on antidepressants shouldn’t panic about birth defect claims

The risk of having uncontrolled depression is far greater than the small increased risk of birth defects that may be associated with specific antidepressants.

Arrests made over children's birthday party brawl

Police have raided properties and arrested a number of people over a brawl at a child's birthday party at a play centre in Sydney's west.

Family shares awesome drone baby announcement

Looking for a creative way to share some big news? Look to the skies, like this family did.

Young warrior Owen defies doctors' predictions

Little Owen DiCandilo's name means "young warrior", and it's a description that perfectly fits the inspiring 18-month-old

Advice for dads: when to approach your wife for sex

The exhaustion that comes with caring for young children often means romance between parents becomes a thing of the past.

I might be fat, but I don't need saving

I've been fat for pretty much most of life, besides a few crazy moments of being less-fat, but for the most part I've existed on this earth with a little more meat on my bones than desirable.

The rookie mistakes we make as parents

Since the dawn of civilisation, generation after generation of new parents have had to rely on instinct, trial and error - and sometimes get it wrong.

 

FREE TICKET

See Pinky McKay live in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.