Jump to content

Lending Money to Family


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:57 PM

I just found out last week that DH is still continuously lending money to BIL.  He slipped out jokingly something like "I better put some money in this account just in case BIL need cash to pay the bill?"  I was pretty angry when I found out that I didn't know that we are still lending money to them.  

The thing is:
They originally owned 2 investment properties however now we owned them 50/50 with them because we have been paying the mortgages of the houses that they couldn't pay and if they had to give up the house then they would incurred a big loss; so that we ended up paying it and saying after a long while that you won't be able to pay us back, we would rather half owned the house rather than risking not getting anything back.  

We also had shares in the company that BIL's partnered coz at one point they needed the fund for it to continue and until now, 4-5 years along, we still had not seen any profit or return from that.  

I just found out last week as well that on top of DH occasional paying of their house bills, BIL owes a few other family and friends money.

But this is their lifestyle; Their kids just went to holiday camp that cost $2000, they went to races in lovely outfits and hats and bet for horses three days in a week at one time, they have a spa in their backyard, $2000 lounge chair, their pet goes to pet hotel when they go for holiday, their house is full of gadgets, wii and whatever else.  

I am happy if DH helps out if they need to put food on table, or the kids don't have clothing or something to that degree. What I was angry at was the fact that we can't even afford a deposit to put for our own place while they were living like royals.  Don't get me wrong we live comfortably, but there are things that we want to have like our own house, that we need to wait to get because we don't have the money for it at the moment.  And I have been wanting to buy our own house since we got engaged some 5 years ago, just because the money that we have been saving to buy that house has been paying those mortgages.  So last week we decided last week no more.

Yesterday however, (as if he knows we were talking bout them), BIL sent a msg to DH again saying they don't have any cash or credit and he doesn't know how to get through until he gets paid (considering it it his own business he doesn't seem to get paid regularly) with bills and rent not paid yet.  He does sound really stressed out and at his really low point (I can't imagine him being that stressed out as he looks so carefree every time I see him).  I do feel sorry for him being stuck in a place that they had dug themselves.  Now DH is suggesting to me that we pay the bills and rent that necessary to be paid on terms that FIL is in charge of their finances until they can pay us back in full whatever they owe us.  This means they don't have access to their money, they are to be given allowance for food and whatever necessary weekly and bills are paid straight away by FIL.  DH is now asking me to whether I agree to that this is the best way to go.  

On one side I feel enough is enough, this has been going on for as long as I know DH.  They have to learn how to cope without help anymore.  They surely earn enough, they just don't spend wisely.  if they don't find ways to increase their income, they must find a way to decrease their spending.  And I don't want to be put in a situation that basically I can't do what I want with our money because we need to help them out. On the other side though, I do feel sorry and bad that they now don't know how to pay rent and bills.  

I need suggestion of what would you do if this happens to you?  In theory I would say don't help anymore, but if it is your siblings wouldn't you help?  So help with terms attached or just let them figure it out themselves?

Thanks for reading this ladies.


#2 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:58 PM

Just realised how long it was, sorry!

#3 Tigerdog

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:07 PM

Oh my God OP, that's outrageous!  I think it's time they cut their losses and paid the consequences for dodgy financial decisions.  Put the properties on the market, get your money back and that's the end of it.  They won't curtail their lifestyle whilever someone else is paying!

#4 ReadySetRace

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:08 PM

Stop paying them now. Just cut financial ties with them. Put money aside in an account for your home deposit so you can't touch it and there's not spare cash to give away. Are you on the title deeds for the investments? If not get your names on it now.

BIL can sell the lounge chairs, gadgets, cancel holidays and sell investment properties to get by.  FIL can keep cash for them if necessary but it shouldn't be your cash.  However professional help would be better for them.

My BIL asks for money too despite living the high life...we say no we can't help you, we don't have it.

Edited by doctorseuss, 17 December 2012 - 02:10 PM.


#5 boatiebabe

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:09 PM

It's time for them to sink or swim on their own.

No you, no Dh, no FIL being responsible.

BIL and SIL need to go it alone, otherwise you are all enabling them.

#6 fatbelly

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:15 PM

They need to step up for themselves and you need to be in sole charge of your familys finances so your DH can't slip money to BIL (because he will)

Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.

#7 JECJEC

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:28 PM

QUOTE (fatbelly @ 17/12/2012, 03:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
They need to step up for themselves and you need to be in sole charge of your familys finances so your DH can't slip money to BIL (because he will)

Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.


Agree with this.

#8 PrincessPeach

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:31 PM

I'm sorry if you can afford a $2,000 holiday, you can afford to put food on the table, unless of course there is an emergency or something, then I would be telling them no. I'd also force their hand at selling the rental properties...there is no way I'd be funding someone elses tax cut.

#9 Mousky

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:36 PM

I personally would (and have) suggested cash converters. My sister always wanted to borrow money off family. It wasn't until we all stopped and suggested she start pawning all her gadgets that she started being financially resposnible.

#10 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 03:08 PM

QUOTE (doctorseuss @ 17/12/2012, 12:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Stop paying them now. Just cut financial ties with them. Put money aside in an account for your home deposit so you can't touch it and there's not spare cash to give away. Are you on the title deeds for the investments? If not get your names on it now.

BIL can sell the lounge chairs, gadgets, cancel holidays and sell investment properties to get by.  FIL can keep cash for them if necessary but it shouldn't be your cash.  However professional help would be better for them.

My BIL asks for money too despite living the high life...we say no we can't help you, we don't have it.


Yup, we have our name on the properties.  We are, because of his last msg as well, now in discussion on letting go of these properties

Thanks for the suggestion on them selling their stuff to cover.  This is something I have not thought about and worth discussing with DH.  I'm pretty sure DH may see this is a drastic suggestion for them and I think BIL and SIL would have a really hard time doing this (ego thing and the realisation that it has gone this bad).  But worth discussing and somehow can't see how BIL would learn how to get out of it if this is not the way.

QUOTE (fatbelly @ 17/12/2012, 12:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.


TBH, I probably expect by now that there is a big chance that what we lend them may never come back to us.  Too much for too long already.  

Problems just seem much simpler now. Haha.  Thanks ladies.  




#11 Ally'smum

Posted 17 December 2012 - 03:23 PM

I would be cutting them off as well.

You are just enabling them and at your own expense.

When we have been asked to lend money we just say 'no we don't have it' we do have it but it is for our families future, not to prop up relatives who are living in fantasy land.

#12 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:00 PM

I just quickly told DH that I think we shouldn't help anymore, but discuss further when he gets home.  TBH, I do feel really bad in making that decision although I know that it is the right one.  I feel mean and somehow think how would DH feels if it is my siblings in reverse situation that I wanna help.  

This is the problem, it wasn't even my problem. Now I feel like the bad guy.  Just venting now ..

#13 katpaws

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:27 PM

OP, if these people were starving and looking like they were being tossed on to the streets to live it would be a different matter but they aren't. It sounds like they live a comfortable life. You are not doing anything wrong by saying enough is enough.



#14 Freddie'sMum

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:31 PM

OP

If I was you - I would be very angry with my DH first and foremost.

Your BIL is big enough and ugly enough to sort out his own finances.  Your DH is enabling him to throw his hands up in the air and say "it's just too hard / it's too unfair" (which is what my children say to me all the time when I ask them to tidy their rooms).

Step away from lending / giving him money and ask your DH to do the same.



#15 steppy

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:40 PM

I think you are in a bad position. The family obviously chooses to enable this ridiculous behaviour by your BIL and treat him like a child - no wonder he is always carefree - children really are.

I can't see how you can deal with it without causing a rift between your husband and FIL and BIL.

Honestly, no, I don't think I could continue to put up with it while my own needs continued to be put on the back burner. I think I would try this idea with FIL paying them an allowance only, but if FIL has spent this long enabling this behaviour, do you think it will really work? And will you have the opportunity at the end to stop any further paying out when the arrangement is over?

#16 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 06:32 PM

QUOTE (steppy @ 17/12/2012, 02:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I can't see how you can deal with it without causing a rift between your husband and FIL and BIL.

Honestly, no, I don't think I could continue to put up with it while my own needs continued to be put on the back burner. I think I would try this idea with FIL paying them an allowance only, but if FIL has spent this long enabling this behaviour, do you think it will really work? And will you have the opportunity at the end to stop any further paying out when the arrangement is over?


I don't know if this arrangement would really work, until we give it a go.  In my brief discussion with DH over the phone before, he seems to think that WE don't have any option but to help him, he is leaning towards helping him.  This is what I don't like, HE is put in a situation where it looks like WE have no option.  Although FIL would help if the arrangement goes, I would feel then he thinks this becomes HIS problem as well.  

And I don't want this to become some source of "argument" between me and DH, just because we can't agree.  Obviously this is not OUR problem.  

TBH, I somehow can't see how they would stop borrowing money coz they have been doing it for so long.  As PP said I think it needs a lot more 'intervention' or professional help than just terms and conditions on loans.  






1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

How a baby can survive alone for days on end

The baby found abandoned in a Sydney drain may have been alone for up to six days without being fed, leaving many asking how he could have survived.

When it begins to look a lot like Christmas

A child's excitement at Christmas time is a beautiful thing, but one dad ponders whether his toddler daughter is getting into the festive mood a bit too soon.

Hospital lets dads the experience some of the pain of childbirth

A new experience is radically altering men's views of childbirth.

Italian doctors questioned over formula bribes

Italian police have placed 12 doctors under house arrest on suspicion of promoting baby milk formula over breastfeeding.

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Those special moments of sibling bonding

Every now and then your child does or says something that is truly memorable.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Baby monitor footage posted online

Footage of Australian babies and children sleeping in their bedrooms are among the images on a Russian site showing live feeds from thousands of homes and businesses around the world.

Did this new dad really hit on his wife's midwife?

Was there really a man who was actually there by his wife’s side as she laboured and gave birth to his child, all while he was making what he perceived to be meaningful eye contact with a midwife?

Keep calm and ignore the Tantrum Trolls

Tantrum Trolls are a small but growing species of predatory bottom-feeders who delight in picking on parents at their most vulnerable.

It's okay to never 'get over' the death of a loved one

The death of children, siblings, and parents has long term impacts on the rest of our lives.

What Mark Latham needs to know about depression and motherhood

In a bizarre bid for relevancy, Former Opposition leader Mark Latham has deduced that because one female journalist had this week light-heartedly thanked antidepressants and caffeine for getting her through a medical degree while raising two small children, that ergo, all 'inner-city feminists' are selfish harridans who despise their offspring.

'We're just trying to keep our child alive': life with FPIES

We have a beautiful seven-month-old son, and his allergy rules our life.

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reactions to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

Duchess's letter to grieving mum

The Duchess of Cambridge has written to a grieving mum on a "very difficult" day.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.