Jump to content

Lending Money to Family


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:57 PM

I just found out last week that DH is still continuously lending money to BIL.  He slipped out jokingly something like "I better put some money in this account just in case BIL need cash to pay the bill?"  I was pretty angry when I found out that I didn't know that we are still lending money to them.  

The thing is:
They originally owned 2 investment properties however now we owned them 50/50 with them because we have been paying the mortgages of the houses that they couldn't pay and if they had to give up the house then they would incurred a big loss; so that we ended up paying it and saying after a long while that you won't be able to pay us back, we would rather half owned the house rather than risking not getting anything back.  

We also had shares in the company that BIL's partnered coz at one point they needed the fund for it to continue and until now, 4-5 years along, we still had not seen any profit or return from that.  

I just found out last week as well that on top of DH occasional paying of their house bills, BIL owes a few other family and friends money.

But this is their lifestyle; Their kids just went to holiday camp that cost $2000, they went to races in lovely outfits and hats and bet for horses three days in a week at one time, they have a spa in their backyard, $2000 lounge chair, their pet goes to pet hotel when they go for holiday, their house is full of gadgets, wii and whatever else.  

I am happy if DH helps out if they need to put food on table, or the kids don't have clothing or something to that degree. What I was angry at was the fact that we can't even afford a deposit to put for our own place while they were living like royals.  Don't get me wrong we live comfortably, but there are things that we want to have like our own house, that we need to wait to get because we don't have the money for it at the moment.  And I have been wanting to buy our own house since we got engaged some 5 years ago, just because the money that we have been saving to buy that house has been paying those mortgages.  So last week we decided last week no more.

Yesterday however, (as if he knows we were talking bout them), BIL sent a msg to DH again saying they don't have any cash or credit and he doesn't know how to get through until he gets paid (considering it it his own business he doesn't seem to get paid regularly) with bills and rent not paid yet.  He does sound really stressed out and at his really low point (I can't imagine him being that stressed out as he looks so carefree every time I see him).  I do feel sorry for him being stuck in a place that they had dug themselves.  Now DH is suggesting to me that we pay the bills and rent that necessary to be paid on terms that FIL is in charge of their finances until they can pay us back in full whatever they owe us.  This means they don't have access to their money, they are to be given allowance for food and whatever necessary weekly and bills are paid straight away by FIL.  DH is now asking me to whether I agree to that this is the best way to go.  

On one side I feel enough is enough, this has been going on for as long as I know DH.  They have to learn how to cope without help anymore.  They surely earn enough, they just don't spend wisely.  if they don't find ways to increase their income, they must find a way to decrease their spending.  And I don't want to be put in a situation that basically I can't do what I want with our money because we need to help them out. On the other side though, I do feel sorry and bad that they now don't know how to pay rent and bills.  

I need suggestion of what would you do if this happens to you?  In theory I would say don't help anymore, but if it is your siblings wouldn't you help?  So help with terms attached or just let them figure it out themselves?

Thanks for reading this ladies.


#2 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:58 PM

Just realised how long it was, sorry!

#3 Tigerdog

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:07 PM

Oh my God OP, that's outrageous!  I think it's time they cut their losses and paid the consequences for dodgy financial decisions.  Put the properties on the market, get your money back and that's the end of it.  They won't curtail their lifestyle whilever someone else is paying!

#4 ReadySetRace

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:08 PM

Stop paying them now. Just cut financial ties with them. Put money aside in an account for your home deposit so you can't touch it and there's not spare cash to give away. Are you on the title deeds for the investments? If not get your names on it now.

BIL can sell the lounge chairs, gadgets, cancel holidays and sell investment properties to get by.  FIL can keep cash for them if necessary but it shouldn't be your cash.  However professional help would be better for them.

My BIL asks for money too despite living the high life...we say no we can't help you, we don't have it.

Edited by doctorseuss, 17 December 2012 - 02:10 PM.


#5 boatiebabe

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:09 PM

It's time for them to sink or swim on their own.

No you, no Dh, no FIL being responsible.

BIL and SIL need to go it alone, otherwise you are all enabling them.

#6 fatbelly

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:15 PM

They need to step up for themselves and you need to be in sole charge of your familys finances so your DH can't slip money to BIL (because he will)

Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.

#7 JECJEC

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:28 PM

QUOTE (fatbelly @ 17/12/2012, 03:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
They need to step up for themselves and you need to be in sole charge of your familys finances so your DH can't slip money to BIL (because he will)

Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.


Agree with this.

#8 PrincessPeach

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:31 PM

I'm sorry if you can afford a $2,000 holiday, you can afford to put food on the table, unless of course there is an emergency or something, then I would be telling them no. I'd also force their hand at selling the rental properties...there is no way I'd be funding someone elses tax cut.

#9 Mousky

Posted 17 December 2012 - 02:36 PM

I personally would (and have) suggested cash converters. My sister always wanted to borrow money off family. It wasn't until we all stopped and suggested she start pawning all her gadgets that she started being financially resposnible.

#10 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 03:08 PM

QUOTE (doctorseuss @ 17/12/2012, 12:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Stop paying them now. Just cut financial ties with them. Put money aside in an account for your home deposit so you can't touch it and there's not spare cash to give away. Are you on the title deeds for the investments? If not get your names on it now.

BIL can sell the lounge chairs, gadgets, cancel holidays and sell investment properties to get by.  FIL can keep cash for them if necessary but it shouldn't be your cash.  However professional help would be better for them.

My BIL asks for money too despite living the high life...we say no we can't help you, we don't have it.


Yup, we have our name on the properties.  We are, because of his last msg as well, now in discussion on letting go of these properties

Thanks for the suggestion on them selling their stuff to cover.  This is something I have not thought about and worth discussing with DH.  I'm pretty sure DH may see this is a drastic suggestion for them and I think BIL and SIL would have a really hard time doing this (ego thing and the realisation that it has gone this bad).  But worth discussing and somehow can't see how BIL would learn how to get out of it if this is not the way.

QUOTE (fatbelly @ 17/12/2012, 12:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Never lend money with the expectation of getting it back - this is my motto.


TBH, I probably expect by now that there is a big chance that what we lend them may never come back to us.  Too much for too long already.  

Problems just seem much simpler now. Haha.  Thanks ladies.  




#11 Ally'smum

Posted 17 December 2012 - 03:23 PM

I would be cutting them off as well.

You are just enabling them and at your own expense.

When we have been asked to lend money we just say 'no we don't have it' we do have it but it is for our families future, not to prop up relatives who are living in fantasy land.

#12 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:00 PM

I just quickly told DH that I think we shouldn't help anymore, but discuss further when he gets home.  TBH, I do feel really bad in making that decision although I know that it is the right one.  I feel mean and somehow think how would DH feels if it is my siblings in reverse situation that I wanna help.  

This is the problem, it wasn't even my problem. Now I feel like the bad guy.  Just venting now ..

#13 katpaws

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:27 PM

OP, if these people were starving and looking like they were being tossed on to the streets to live it would be a different matter but they aren't. It sounds like they live a comfortable life. You are not doing anything wrong by saying enough is enough.



#14 Freddie'sMum

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:31 PM

OP

If I was you - I would be very angry with my DH first and foremost.

Your BIL is big enough and ugly enough to sort out his own finances.  Your DH is enabling him to throw his hands up in the air and say "it's just too hard / it's too unfair" (which is what my children say to me all the time when I ask them to tidy their rooms).

Step away from lending / giving him money and ask your DH to do the same.



#15 steppy

Posted 17 December 2012 - 04:40 PM

I think you are in a bad position. The family obviously chooses to enable this ridiculous behaviour by your BIL and treat him like a child - no wonder he is always carefree - children really are.

I can't see how you can deal with it without causing a rift between your husband and FIL and BIL.

Honestly, no, I don't think I could continue to put up with it while my own needs continued to be put on the back burner. I think I would try this idea with FIL paying them an allowance only, but if FIL has spent this long enabling this behaviour, do you think it will really work? And will you have the opportunity at the end to stop any further paying out when the arrangement is over?

#16 i_s_a

Posted 17 December 2012 - 06:32 PM

QUOTE (steppy @ 17/12/2012, 02:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I can't see how you can deal with it without causing a rift between your husband and FIL and BIL.

Honestly, no, I don't think I could continue to put up with it while my own needs continued to be put on the back burner. I think I would try this idea with FIL paying them an allowance only, but if FIL has spent this long enabling this behaviour, do you think it will really work? And will you have the opportunity at the end to stop any further paying out when the arrangement is over?


I don't know if this arrangement would really work, until we give it a go.  In my brief discussion with DH over the phone before, he seems to think that WE don't have any option but to help him, he is leaning towards helping him.  This is what I don't like, HE is put in a situation where it looks like WE have no option.  Although FIL would help if the arrangement goes, I would feel then he thinks this becomes HIS problem as well.  

And I don't want this to become some source of "argument" between me and DH, just because we can't agree.  Obviously this is not OUR problem.  

TBH, I somehow can't see how they would stop borrowing money coz they have been doing it for so long.  As PP said I think it needs a lot more 'intervention' or professional help than just terms and conditions on loans.  






1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win $1000 with Sea-Bands!

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

Misery loves Facebook

Facebook users are often criticised for only showing the positive, fun parts of their lives. But what about when it swings the other way, when someone uses it for the purposes of ranting about their children all the time, never posting anything positive?

Toddler's adorable impersonation of pregnant mum

Little Ellis has noticed his mum is walking differently lately, and his impersonation of her is hilarious.

'Forgotten baby syndrome' can happen to any one of us

When my third child was two months old, I strapped her into her car seat, then promptly forgot all about her. But she survived, unharmed, because it was winter, and I was lucky.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

Ten things I've learned about motherhood

Never take a good night's sleep for granted. There is no logic like toddler logic. Standing on Lego hurts every time. These are the truths of parenthood.

Parenting past the toddler years: what's next?

Your baby has grown into a toddler, and now your toddler is fast approaching the preschooler stage. What can you expect as a parent?

Tips on what to pack in your hospital bag

Before giving birth I read countless lists, ended up overpacking just a little, and now know what I'll actually want to pack next time.

New app keeps tabs on your kids at childcare

Popular new technology lets parents know what their children are up to at childcare - but not everyone is a fan.

21 things I love about newborns

There?s an irresistible magic about newborns. Of course they're not all smiles and rainbows, but they are undeniably cute and remarkable in so, so many ways.

Kid-friendly hairdressers: who says haircuts can?t be fun?

I?ve found some salons who boast setups ideal for children ? you name it, they?ve thought of it. All are designed to make haircuts fun rather than stressful.

Labour pain relief may reduce risk of postnatal depression: study

Postnatal depression is a complex condition, but researchers say pain relief during labour may help some women.

Why we need better support for men after miscarriage

In a recent study, 85 per cent of men admitted feeling sadness after their partner miscarried, but almost half said they didn't share their feelings at all. What can be done to help them?

Mum in business: Kristy Chong

Kristy Chong is the managing director of Australian-made Modibodi underwear and a mum to Lucas, 6, Jason, 4, and Isaac, 6 months. She shares her advice for other mums thinking about starting their own businesses.

From toddler to preschooler: a developmental roadmap

So your toddler is growing up and will soon be entering the preschooler years. Here are a few ways to frame their development that will help you understand what?s going in those beautiful, funny, clever little heads of theirs.

Mum sacrifices an eye for her unborn baby

Motherhood is full of sacrifices, but this woman has made a life-altering one - and her baby hasn't even been born.

A grandparent by any other name

A growing number of grandparents are shunning tradition and going against conventional names - but a grandparent by any other name still gives the same awesome cuddles and kisses.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

When labour just doesn't happen

After three healthy kids, I can?t help feeling I?ve been a little ripped off. I missed out on something I had always wanted to experience, and now I?ll never get the chance.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Share the little things that make you smile

We're giving away a Mountain Buggy nano, the ultimate travel stroller - and here are some of the great entries so far.

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Win $1000 with Sea-Bands!

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

The beautiful moment a baby was born at the side of a road

It's not where she expected to give birth, but mum Corrine Cinatl is delighted that her daughter's roadside arrival was captured in a series of beautiful photos.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

The Nappy Collective starts new drive

It's that time of year when the dedicated volunteers at The Nappy Collective do their bit to help out mums and children in need - and they need your help.

Baby shower cake wrecks

From misshapen cake babies to questionable text, from odd colour choices to internal organ recreation, these are the baby shower cakes that taste forgot.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

Pregnancy progression photo ideas

Want to record your pregnancy as your belly grows? Here are some creative, fun ideas for photo shoots along the way.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Tin can craft and DIY ideas

Got a few old formula, Milo or coffee cans around the house? Use these fantastic upcycling ideas to create items for around the house and yard.

Dads meet their newborn for the first time

Emotional photos of two fathers meeting their newborn son have resonated with viewers worldwide, attracting thousands of Facebook likes and shares.

Skin safety isn't just a summer worry

Lax about the slip slop slap with your kids as weather turns cooler? Here's a reminder as to why we have to remain vigilant for our children?s future health.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

Creative sleeping baby photoshoots

See how some parents and photographers have captured sleeping babies in unusual positions and using different props.

DIY kitchen and food hacks

DIY your way to a better kitchen and make cooking easier with our clever hacks. (Some content reproduced with permission from mashable.com.)

Winter warmers for babies and toddlers

Your baby or toddler will be nice and snug in these beautiful and fun winter pieces. Most are hand-made or knitted, and they're all designed to keep your little one toastie - and adorable!

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.