Jump to content

Parents of an ONLY child....
Do you sometimes feel different?


  • Please log in to reply
90 replies to this topic

#1 MannersPlease

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:15 PM

As a mum of an only child I sometimes feel like I'm treated differently by other mums (not always).  Almost as though I'm only half a mum.  Am I being ridiculous - as in, is it just my imagination, or have any of you parents of only children felt similarly?

#2 Maple Leaf

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:18 PM

I am an only child (but have 2 kids myself) and have experienced people telling me that I'm not part of a real family as I had no siblings.

Complete and utter idiots. Try to rise above it.

#3 TillyTake2

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:25 PM

I'm currently a parent of an only child but we do plan to have more.

I can only give the perspective of what I think when I see parents of only children... I don't think they are "half" parents or look down on them or anything but I do sometimes wonder if they had an only child by choice or circumstance original.gif

#4 Mishu

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:37 PM

QUOTE
I can only give the perspective of what I think when I see parents of only children... I don't think they are "half" parents or look down on them or anything but I do sometimes wonder if they had an only child by choice or circumstance


And therein lies the assumption that there is something odd/wrong about only having one child, that there must be a reason for it.

I have one child, by circumstance. I would have loved more. But I don't look at parents with 2 or more kids and wonder, did they choose to have that many or was one of them an 'oops'. It bugs me when people question why I have only had one; I don't ask them why they had two or more. A parent is a parent, regardless of whether you have one, a dozen or look after a child not born of you.

OP, I think I understand what you are saying. I have received a few 'oh, it must be easy with just one' from some I meet. I think I was far more tolerant of these comments when I was younger, I get shirty now that I am old and grumpy lol.

#5 MarigoldMadge

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:43 PM

I'm a mum of only one child, and I'm not happy about that, would love to have more but am slowly working towards accepting this is it.

I have felt some things etc from others, everyone I know has 3+ kids, but I'm also realising that I'm seeing that through my own prism of not being happy.

I think I'm over-interpreting/amplifying what is really not there, and it's my negative thoughts that I'm actually hearing, not other peoples.

Not saying that you are unhappy with having an only child, that's just my experience.

#6 Brrrroooce!

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:50 PM

I have thought at times that people view having only one child as "Parenting Lite"

Comments like "how can you be tired" and "wait till you have another one" (especially when you're not having another one).



#7 lucky 2

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:50 PM

I have one child (and no more for me) and I did tend to feel this more when dd was more dependant (she is 8 now) as I could see the heavier work loads of my friends who have more than on child and feel the comparison with myself, less of a workload.
I did get some comments (one child is a hobby!) but I really think it was mostly me who was doing the comparision and finding myself wanting.
I don't think of it much now.
Actually, I did think of it this morning in school assembly,
I was thinking of how the parents of 2 or more kids tend to be more prominent at the school, they can be more visible, be more active across many areas.
I supposed this was because they are often at the primary school for longer than 7 years (with 2 or more kids moving through) and get more contact with different teachers and parents.
It made sense to me.
I know less of what is going on probably because of this but I'm ok with that.
I think it is quite different having one to having more children in all sorts of ways, obvious and subtle.
I try to enjoy my lighter workload (though that doesn't mean it is always easy, I wish it was) rather than feel "less".

#8 MannersPlease

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:50 PM

Thanks for all the responses so far.  I just wanted to add that I often feel that people want an explanation as to why I've only got one.  I've actually been asked why.  I agree with Mishu, I don't ask others why they've had 2, 3, 4 or more kids.  I guess I'm being a bit precious over being asked why.  I just don't like talking about why.

#9 Phasmatis angelam

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:56 PM

I get a lot of comments about how selfish I am and how much damage this is going to do DD.

I wish I were imagining it!

#10 TillyTake2

Posted 17 December 2012 - 12:59 PM

QUOTE (Mishu @ 17/12/2012, 01:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And therein lies the assumption that there is something odd/wrong about only having one child, that there must be a reason for it.


No my assumption isn't that it is odd/wrong. Just that it is unusual.

For example, if I meet someone who tells me that they have a 16 year old, a 14 year old and a 6 month old I may wonder if the 6 month old was a surprise. It isn't "wrong" that they have a large gap, just unusual. I'm not "judging" having one child (or a large gap) as right or wrong, good or bad, I'm just observing. FWIW I would obviously never actually ask or say anything!

#11 Mishu

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:03 PM

Sorry TillyTake2, I wasn't actually having a go at you (tho I can see it may have read like that). It was more that having just one child is often questioned, whereas having more is not questioned. Well, until you reach that point where people think you are having too many. It wasn't directly at you personally original.gif

#12 robot sm

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:03 PM

I'm still pregnant with our first child, and already I get the 'wait until you're pregnant with the second!' type comments.

We only plan on having one child for a few reasons, and people tend to assume that we will automatically change our minds and have heaps of kids because it's what they've done.  As if there would be something wrong with me if I don't want to have another child after meeting my first.  I'm sure we will both absolutely love our child, but that doesn't mean we have to have more.

My belief is that it's nobody's business to pressure you or make you feel inferior about the number of children you have, regardless of the reasons.

#13 alphamummy

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:28 PM

I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been told to "have another one" and asked multiple times when the next one will be due. (One person asking even asked if we'd been "hard at work" trying for another already!) My child is only 5 months old! Personally, I don't even want a second one. I would rather focus my energy on perfecting one child than spreading myself thin over two or three and never having enough time for all of their needs like I see so many other families do.

#14 casime

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:32 PM

I get it a lot.  People seem to like to tell you about how you're damaging your child by making them an only child, or the "you'll change your mind" comments.  But don't you DARE question someone with a large family for their choices.  That's none of your business of course.   glare.gif

I have a standard response now to the "when are you having the next one."  It's "oh, gosh, I'm not.  This one's perfect, so the next one would probably be a turd."  Cue walking away.  



#15 Llama in Pyjamas

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:34 PM

Yep, I understand this feeling, the "yes, it's so much harder with two" and kinda wonder if those with 3 or 4 or 5 etc look down on those with two...
Or even being told "oh you wouldn't understand, you've on,y got one" - even if my one had the same issue.

#16 aztecblue

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:38 PM

I'm an only child, and have a DS and not planning any more (by choice).

Although only child families are alot more common in Australia nowadays, we're still in the minority. I don't think I've been treated differently yet because DS is not yet 2 and everyone probably just assumes that I'm going to have another one. It will be interesting though to see if I am treated any differently once DS is older and is obvious that he'll be an only.

For me now, the problem is more about how I feel about the issue - I am always feeling extremely guilty about not wanting a second especially as DH wants one badly.

I also dont like people asking if or when I'll have a second, probably because I"m so touchy on the subject. When I stop to think about it they're probably just asking cause they're curious. I have a hard time explaining why I don't want a second one though - a huge part of the reason why is because I had very bad PND with my first to the point where I was hospitalised and was considering taking my own life. I dont really feel like divulging that to ever person who asks me when I'm having my second. but if I tell them that I"m not having another because I don't have much parental support and love having the freedom to be able to work (also true), then they think I'm being selfish.

#17 Liz Lemon

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:39 PM

QUOTE (casime @ 17/12/2012, 02:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I get it a lot.  People seem to like to tell you about how you're damaging your child by making them an only child, or the "you'll change your mind" comments.  But don't you DARE question someone with a large family for their choices.  That's none of your business of course.   glare.gif

I have a standard response now to the "when are you having the next one."  It's "oh, gosh, I'm not.  This one's perfect, so the next one would probably be a turd."  Cue walking away.


Lol lol lol. Must use this one myself!

Another child would really stretch me emotionally, financially (and vaginally!) and I don't want to do it.

I tend to say I love my daughter but do not love being a parent - hence I won't be doing it again ...

Edited by Liz Lemon, 17 December 2012 - 01:39 PM.


#18 VintageEyes

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:41 PM

I think you get asked about the number of kids regardless of how many you hsve. I got asked when I only had DS if we were having another and I get asked again now I have two. The only ifference is that before the answer was yes, now it is no. People are just curious.

#19 maurie

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:45 PM

Yep and add to that that you had that only child by choice and she is now an easy-going quiet well-mannered self-sufficient 11-year-old, then you really get dismissed as having it way too easy and what would you know about parenting - your kid has never given you any trouble!


#20 wish*upon*a*star

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:46 PM

My DD will be an only child by choice.
Do I feel different? Without a doubt, I know very few people who have only one child and it is often expected by people the we must be planning a second soon, if not now.
Is it the right decision for us? Absolutely, and everyday I am happier with the choice we are making.
I do get asked 3-4 times a week about the next one and it does not worry me unless someone is rude and questions me about my selfish choice and lectures how I "have" to have another one. Most people are just making conversation or curious.
However, it did hurt when someone said to me that I must not love my daughter much if I don't want another. What a seriously dumb thing to say.

#21 Lagom

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:47 PM

I totally don't belong in this thread but I have to laugh at people who say, 'Oh, just wait 'til you have another one.'   I've found two sooo much easier than one 'so there!' to them.  DD1 is so full on and having a sister gives her someone else to annoy other than me.  ph34r.gif
I have a 3yr 3mth gap between my two and would often get asked before I was pregnant with DD2 when we were having #2.  It is a little annoying but I think it's often small talk.  It's so hard not to offend people these days.  wink.gif

Maybe they are just jealous of the perceived easiness of your life compared to theirs?  Maybe you are paranoid?  Maybe they are judgey cows?  Don't over think it OP.  happy.gif

#22 pinkcupcakes

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:47 PM

QUOTE (hoppingllama @ 17/12/2012, 01:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yep, I understand this feeling, the "yes, it's so much harder with two" and kinda wonder if those with 3 or 4 or 5 etc look down on those with two...
Or even being told "oh you wouldn't understand, you've only got one" - even if my one had the same issue.


yes, that's something i noticed before we had ds. there also seems to be ... a difference, with those whose kids are going to school and those whose arent.in real life at least. and i think it's mostly unintentional. its just that they are in a different genre, if you like, and have had different experiences, that mostly those in the same genre can relate to. of course, now that i have had my second child, i can understand that it does add a different dynamic to daily life, but having said that i dont feel superior to those who chose to have one child and not more.

for myself and dh, we chose to have 2 kids and no more. i am in awe of ppl who have more than that, simply because i imagine there must be soooo much work involved and i wonder how these supermums fit it in their day. i admire them. but i would never ever want more, simply because i feel that 2 kids is right for our family.for me personally i couldnt cope with more, although i love kids.

but whether you have 1 child or a hundred, there are still experiences and advice to share with others. you are still a parent, going through the same stuff as everyone else.

#23 *Lib*

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:48 PM

I have an only child. Never ever have I been questioned as to why....or made to feel inferior for only having one child.

#24 dolcengabbana

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:51 PM

I often get told I don't realise how difficult it is having 2, 3 or 4 children as I have it so easier with DS10 being an only child and being a really great kid at that.

It breaks my heart !!

#25 pinkcupcakes

Posted 17 December 2012 - 01:57 PM

aww, d&g you poor thing. ddown.gif i  dont really belong in this forum either, just wanted to be understanding. hhugs.gif




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

How to talk about your pregnancy at work

The workplace isn't always a friendly place for pregnant women. Yet working women inclined to conceal a pregnancy from prying coworkers may be better off opening up and carrying on, according to a new study.

Tell us your story to win!

To celebrate Mother's Day this year we are giving you the chance to win one of five great prizes simply by telling us your story.

Where to get help to help your baby sleep

There is so much pressure about having a baby who sleeps 'all night' , it's no wonder you worry about your baby if she wakes in the night.

Vintage baby names having a comeback

What makes some names have comebacks while others silently fade into oblivion? A few factors come into play.

When your partner doesn't want you to breastfeed

Dads can have many reasons for not wanting their partners to breastfeed their baby, but both parents should learn more about it before making a final decision.

Model mum Sarah Stage shares post-baby selfie

Most new mums would recoil at the thought, but Sarah Stage has shared a post-pregnancy selfie just four days after giving birth.

I'll admit it: I have last child parenting fatigue

If you're a new mum and feeling ignored by the older mum/the old hand/the has-been, please know, it's not you, it's me. Blame the last child parenting fatigue.

Exhaustion is not the same as tiredness

Having a new baby isn't tiring - it can be downright exhausting.

Five posterior babies, four home births

I was on a high. I'd done it all by myself with no help from anyone.

Mum's list of birthday gift demands goes viral

We're big fans of kids' birthday parties - but this is one bash we're glad we didn't get an invite to.

Kate Middleton to receive 'loyalty discount' for second birth

Everybody loves a bargain - including the Duchess of Cambridge.

Fish & chip shop owner's sad note goes viral

A lengthy note put on the window of a fish & chip shop has gone viral due to the writer's serious doubts about the romance of travel.

Pregnant women need good nutrition advice, not judgment

Pregnant women are under pressure to do all the "right things" to have a healthy child. It results in women feeling judged about their decisions.

When your child wants you to have another baby

Giving your child a sibling when you don't want to have another baby can be a complex issue.

William Tyrrell's mum speaks out: 'We hope he is still alive'

The mother of missing toddler William Tyrrell says she has a vision that somebody "picked him up and moved him on ... that's the only way ... to explain for him not to be there".

Family comes first for 23-year-old Tommy Connolly

Most 23-year-old blokes spend their hard earned cash on fun times with mates or romantic dinners with their girlfriend, but not Tommy Connolly.

Newborn all-girl quintuplets 'doing great'

The first all-female quintuplets born in the United States were delivered last week, at 28 weeks and two days.

Model mum's big baby silences critics

He may be less than a week old, but baby James Hunter has already helped his model mum silence her critics.

Jammy, Hula Hoop, Rage: Reddit reveals most unusual baby names

A recent Reddit thread has revealed some of the more creative names in the world.

Woman awakens from coma, learns she gave birth

A US woman awakened this week from a four-month-long coma that doctors had feared would be permanent and learned that she had given birth to a baby boy, according to her family.

'Give us a break': mum sent shocking letter over Facebook baby pics

Posting a lot of baby photos doesn't make you a bad person. It may make your Facebook feed a little irritating, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

In defense of the dads who do so much

It's time to shift the focus off what dads aren’t doing and shine it on what they are.

The modern cloth nappies too cute to cover up

If you're only just joining the modern cloth nappy movement, or would like to spruce up your collection, we have to introduce you to Designer Bums.

How breastfeeding can affect your libido

When you’ve just had a baby, having sex isn’t usually top priority. In fact, for a lot of women it rates about as appealing as changing another dirty nappy.

Should pregnant women be allowed to use 'parent and child' car parking spots?

Is it acceptable to use these car parking spots when pregnant? How many of us would admit to doing it?

Healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man died

Fertility doctors have described their "most extraordinary case" - creating a healthy baby from sperm taken 48 hours after a man had died.

Sign up to our 30 days of #PlayIQ challenge

Sign up to receive 30 amazing tips and ideas for play with baby during the month of April and submit a picture or tip on our social wall for a chance to win an amazing Fisher-Price prize pack.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Last chance to win a year's supply of toys

You have less than a week left to win your child one of five Fisher-Price toy packs valued at over $600 each - hurry, enter today!

Childcare is a big problem, but there's more to it

Let’s keep talking about these issues and not allow them to be put into a neat little box that’s labelled ‘Fix childcare and everything is solved’.

Pink's awesome response to body-shaming trolls

When trolls felt the need to comment on 35-year-old singer-songwriter Pink's weight, her answer was an awesome ode to body love.

Fertility clinic offers egg donors $5000

A national chain of fertility clinics is offering egg donors a $5000 payment to cover their expenses, a first for Australia which is raising concerns the money could act as an inducement.

Baby boy abandoned in India amid fresh surrogacy concerns

Australian officials could do nothing to stop an Australian couple from abandoning their baby son, born through surrogacy in India, after they decided they did not want to bring him to Australia.

Herd immunity and community responsibility: how free-riders can make kids suffer

Individual choice works for haircuts and handbags, but not for preventing infectious diseases that kill kids.

Photographer captures 'unexpected beauty' of birth

If there is one thing Leilani Rogers knows about childbirth, it is that no two deliveries are ever the same.

Expectations vs the reality of making a toddler's clothes

Note to self: less sewing, more life. Not the party dress, but the party. The toddler, as usual, has it all figured out.

Mum meets 'dead' daughter 49 years after birth

In 1965, Zella Jackson-Price was told her premature baby girl had died shortly after birth.

How pregnancy probiotics can help you and your baby

New research suggests that taking specific pregnancy probiotics could be the answer to a range of common pregnancy side effects.

53 creative pregnancy announcements

Announcing that you're expecting can be a time to express your creativity, sense of humour and imagination. Check out how other parents and parents-to-be have broken the news to friends and family.

IKEA hacks for the nursery and kids' rooms

Are you one of those that know the whole IKEA catalogue by heart? Love their stuff but want to personalise it? Here's some inspiration to help you realise the potential of IKEA furniture and fittings.

36 baby names inspired by food and drinks

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.

 

ENTER NOW!

Win a year's worth of toys

Last week to submit a picture of your baby at play for your chance to win. Visit the Play Wall to view our recent entries.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.