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How do I become less judgy?
Feel like I'm becoming a b&&ch


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14 replies to this topic

#1 JudgyJudger

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:12 PM

Lately (over the last 6 months or so??) I can't stop myself becoming jugemental and well...bitter towards people.
Nothing has happened, nothing has changed within my life but my tolerance to people making what I think are stupid decisions has lowered dramatically.
The sad thing is that I am becoming very jugemental of my friends and its starting to come out in conversation. I will lose my friends if I don't pull my head in.
Last night at dinner I said to my friend 'you should be doing blah blah' and you husband turned to me and said in a kind of joking way 'I don't believe we asked for your RSVP on an invitation for advice'. It really hit home for me that I was feeling quite bitter towards these people. I know in this senario it's because we constantly invite them out and they 90% of the time say no. They do do this to everyone though. The first time I heard from them in around a month was for them to ask me to look after their pets while they went away.
I guess that is why I'm feeling so bitter lately, so often we are called apon to do favours. W are known as the people to call apon to look after pets, go on committees, help garden/pack etc but not good enough to invite over just for a cuppa.
I know I'm sounding like an awful person but truly l haven't started giving unsolicited advice until very recently and I hate the way I'm feeling around people - if someone calls now all I think is 'what do they want us to do?'
I actually don't know what I'm trying to ask here, well done if you have made it this far. I guess I don't want to feel bitter towards people and I certainly don't want to judge my friends anymore. Help?



#2 Feral Becky

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:19 PM

Did you just post on my thread "Who do I report these people to? laughing2.gif

#3 LambChop

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:21 PM

1)  If you want to give of your time, give unconditionally, don't look around expecting anything in return, that way you can enjoy your giving.

2) If you want help, ask for it, don't just expect people to know that the 'always available' person needs a hand too.  The way you get to help people, is that they ask you... how about you do the same in return ?

3) Consciously stop yourself from being judgey, challenge yourself to find the real cause of the issue - are you tired ?  Lonely ?  Bored ?

Maybe you are in the habit of doing what you do in life and are a bit bored ?  Is it time for stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something that energises you for your own sake and not just giving to others ?

#4 mintjoolips

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:24 PM

If you are truly happy with who you are, you know who you are and are confident about that, judgement of others falls away.

Judging others comes when you are looking for justifications for your own situations, decisions, views, lifestyle etc or in my experience an unhappy marriage.

I would be seeing a counsellor to work through this you sound like you are not in a happy place.

#5 Feral Becky

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:24 PM

Proper answer- I say don't worry, it happens when you are getting older haha. I don't think I am judgy but I am opinionated and I really don't give a toss.
You are starting to stand up to people treating you like a doormat. Some people won't like that. Tough for them.

#6 BetteBoop

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:25 PM

It's okay to have those thoughts in your head OP. Just don't say them out loud!

I find some of my friends frustrating because they do the same self destructive things over and over again and then wonder why they get the same outcome.

But no one is perfect. Remind yourself of that.

They're annoying because they refuse invites and you're annoying because you give unsolicited opinions. Everyone has a thing they do that sh*ts you. Just remember why they're in your life in the first place and try to let go of the little things that annoy you.

They're probably on another forum right now asking "How do I tell friend to keep her opinions to herself"  wink.gif

#7 IsolaBella

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:28 PM

QUOTE (mintjoolips @ 16/12/2012, 03:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you are truly happy with who you are, you know who you are and are confident about that, judgement of others falls away.

Judging others comes when you are looking for justifications for your own situations, decisions, views, lifestyle etc or in my experience an unhappy marriage.

I would be seeing a counsellor to work through this you sound like you are not in a happy place.



It sound tee but when. Had the greatest judgements and not happy with other was when I was really unhappy with myself.

Changed things and became happier with myself and then less critical of others ( in a bad verbal way). Very happy to judge inside my head.



#8 KA

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:30 PM

Get rid of all the people in your life who seem to be draining you. It's time to put yourselves first,learn to politely but firmly say 'no'.

I guarentee you'll feel a lot better and won't be judging because they will no longer be a part of your life and therefore won't get on your nerves.

Good luck OP it's not easy but so liberating once you have made that decision.

#9 elle-M

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:32 PM

I'm the same, the older I get the more I judge and I couldn't give a rats a$$. My husband and I are rock solid and we have the same values and beliefs for our children and we are a support team together. I am, however, more judgemental than he is so he often pulls me up.

I think my increased judgyness comes from two years of almost zero sleep. And if one more friend tells me to try leaving my babies cry until they fall asleep I WILL punch them  biggrin.gif

#10 snuffles

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:37 PM

The same for me as for some PPs.  WHen I'm unhappy within myself, I become much more judgemental of others.  I am aware of this tendency now though so usually can halt myself and start looking for the root of my problem before it becomes a major issue.



#11 Feral Nicety

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:43 PM

One question is whether you are judgy because you are unhappy or whether you are judgy because you don't feel valued or cared for in the friendship.

Friendships should not be a ledger of who does what for whom but it's reasonable to take stock occasionally and decide whether or not the friendship is working for you.

#12 elle-M

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:44 PM

I don't think being a judgemental person makes you inherently unhappy - not at all. Humans are just all different! I have the unfortunate tendancy of thinking I'm right a lot of the time, which naturally means I judge those who do things I believe to be "wrong". I'm working on it, and the number one thing is to be tactful, which is always important no matter what.

#13 Cat People

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:52 PM

QUOTE (Balzac @ 16/12/2012, 02:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
or whether you are judgy because you don't feel valued or cared for in the friendship.


It sounds like this is the case with the OP.  Speak up when it's relevant OP and then you might not sweat the small stuff.  You sound like you might be trying to get back at these people in a roundabout way for past hurts.


#14 snuffles

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:53 PM

I do agree tht if the judginess is only in that particular friendship, it probably says a lot about your feelings about the friendship itself.

And TACT, my goodness, I am hopeless at that, LOL.

#15 PurpleWitch

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:00 PM

I'm less judgy the older I get!!


Maybe they are saying no to invites because they feel judged by you?

I'd remember that everyone has their own story. And you don't always know what goes on behind closed doors.





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