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Telling before 12 weeks

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#1 Lcasey

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:06 AM

Hi all original.gif it looks like my MIL is going to come visit from interstate and take the kids one at a time to visit the IL's cattle farm from around Boxing Day. They love it there and we love the break. So that's not the problem.

The problem is that I'm going to be 12w on the 9/1, I've had 2 mc, and didn't want to say anything until January, just in case. But with MIL coming to visit, there is only two ways she is going to take the way I am at the moment: I'm pregnant or seriously sick/lazy. I've known her for 10+ years and am sure of this.

DH is letting me choose what I feel comfortable with but has suggested telling her before she comes (she's under the impression that more than 2 kids is psychotic and is not going to be afraid to speak her mind) so she has time to get over it before she comes. She also scares me a little as she is very dominant and treats us like she thinks we're still teens a lot of the time.

This said, the cattle farm employs 20+ people not including DH's aunts, uncles and grandparents that live and work there too. The kids would find out via station gossip. I want them to find out from us, but I also don't know what I'd tell them or how much they would understand if I lost this one too.

This said, I'm not sure what would be better, letting her think for now I'm lazy/ sick with a possibility she works it out, or telling her and risk something bad happening on top of having to deal with her overt views, having to deal with telling them we lost it. I'm not sure how supportive the IL would be in that case. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what wold be the better way to handle this. So I guess I'm looking for what others might think they'd do in similar circumstances. Tia cheers

#2 Marchioness Flea

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:15 AM

Personally I'd keep quiet. I'm not a fan of telling before 12 weeks, but that's me.
I have no problems with someone thinking I'm lazy, cos I am!
You could claim a flu or virus easily. And after you do tell her your pregnant then she'll hopefully be understanding. If not, bugger her!

#3 Mozzie1

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:16 AM

Ug, we had similar concerns around Mothers Day, and I remember the dilemma (in the end, we told).

If you don't tell her now, but tell her in early January when you hit 12 weeks, she will figure out the reason for your previous "laziness". So her view will only be short term, then you can explain why you were acting the way you were. Obviously, if the pregnancy doesn't work out this won't be the case.

But honestly, it sounds like this woman is impossible to please. Who is she to tell you how many children you are allowed to have? My parents in law treat us like teenagers too, and our response has been to stop pandering to them. Somehow, it actually seems to be changing their behavior somewhat.

#4 HRH Countrymel

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:20 AM

I wouldn't tell, and let her think I was lazy for a few weeks.

Definitely sounds the less complicated option.

#5 epl0822

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:23 AM

Sounds like it'll be less complicated to deny pregnancy and let her sit on her suspicions.

#6 Freddie'sMum

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:27 AM

When I was pregnant with DD#2 - the receptionist at my work guessed before I had told anyone.  I wanted to wait to the 12 week mark - but I was hardly going to deny it.

In your case, I would not tell directly unless asked.

#7 Escapin

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:31 AM

Don't tell. She can think whatever she likes.

#8 namie

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:40 AM

I wouldn't tell. I prefer to wait until after the 12 week mark.

I'd rather she think I was lazy (who cares about her incorrect assumptions) or sick. Your DH can beck you up by letting her know you've been a bit unwell which isn't a lie for most people in the early stages.

#9 QueenElsa

Posted 16 December 2012 - 07:58 AM

I would tell your kids before she comes and then tell her when she comes. At almost 10 weeks and feeling so sick this is likely to be a successful pregnancy. Tell her in a positive way and don't take any negative discussion. "It's our decision, its a much wanted baby and we are thrilled".

I told our kids and family at 6 weeks each time.

#10 Missy Shelby

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:08 AM

TBH she sounds nosey and opinionated, don't tell her and just wait until 12 weeks.

Because of your previous mc I think you would feel more comfortable waiting until then.

Also fact that once she knows she would be telling everyone, would make me keep my news to myself for longer.

#11 ScarfaceClaw

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:08 AM

I had to tell at work, I work in PICU and we had a couple of babies with infections that could cause miscarriage, so given I was telling people who weren't my family at 6 weeks I was pregnant, we told all our family early too.

I'd be inclined in your situation to maybe say you thought you had the flu, when you eventually come out and say you are pregnant, depending on how long she's there for.

In the end I had an honesty policy, don't tell, don't lie if asked directly.

#12 zingy

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:16 AM

I am in the exact same position as you are.

I will be 12 weeks on the 9th Jan too.

We just lost a bub at 29 weeks in August and we haven't told anyone about this pregnancy (it was a massive surprise). I have a history of first trimester loss as well.

We have family coming to Melbourne for Christmas and I'm not sure what to do either!

I'm not ready to handle peoples reaction to this pregnancy and I feel like I want to tell my kids but then I don't want them to have to handle disappointment again if something goes wrong.

I'm thinking that the sick and lazy idea wins over telling your MIL...don't worry about what she thinks of you right now, you can explain it all later. Lay it on thick, like you've had a terrible food poisoning incident that is just hanging around...I think I might do this too.

All the best and fingers crossed for smooth sailing ahead.

#13 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:52 AM

I'd wait until the 12 week scan before telling her.

#14 starfire

Posted 16 December 2012 - 10:12 AM

I wouldn't mention your pregnancy to MIL, it sounds like she would make it more complicated for you if you did tell.

We had the same problem with if we should tell my family or not that I was pregnant as we knew that they wouldn't hold back and most definitely wouldn't react well to the news. I caved and ended up telling them the news early as soon as I found out I was pregnant with the slim hope of them being supportive. The news backfired and they abused me telling me that it was a stupid mistake. I regretted it as it took the joy out of sharing the news.

In your case, I think it would be better to let them have the impression that you are lazy for a few more weeks. Stuff them! All the best of luck!

#15 Funwith3

Posted 16 December 2012 - 10:20 AM

Can't you tell her and rely on her to keep it to herself for the time being? Do her entire group of staff have to know too!? And in the same sentence that you tell her just say "we're so excited and when we tell the kids they will be thrilled too...they've wanted a brother or sister for so long". Then let her say what she wants and just shrug it off.

#16 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 16 December 2012 - 01:09 PM

If you weren't planning on telling her before 12 weeks, then I probably wouldn't change the plan.  Just don't volunteer information.  But if she asks you (or your DH) outright, I also wouldn't lie. Once you tell her, you'd need to tell the kids immediately.  Is there any reason you can't tell the kids now anyway??  (Are they old enough to keep their mouths shut?)

If she has a go at you once she finds out, simply say that you knew she wouldn't be supportive and you don't need her negativity, and if she's got nothing nice to say, you'd prefer her to keep it to herself.  And then don't engage in conversation until she starts to behave appropriately.  Mind you, I would actually expect/want your DH to say all of that to his own mother, not you.

I suspect she only treats you like teenagers because it's a habit behaviour for both her, your DH and now you.  Break the habit.

#17 au*lit

Posted 16 December 2012 - 01:47 PM

OP, while my family circumstances aren't the same, I am in a similar situation. I am 8.5 weeks and will be heading home for Christmas. I'll be 10 weeks on Christmas day. It will be pretty noticeable to everyone that I won't be drinking. I can't even use the excuse of driving because my DH hardly drinks (usually has one or none) and always drives.

I've got my first OB appointment tomorrow and I think if everything goes well then (she will do an ultrasound) then we may as well tell everyone early. If it was any other time of year, then we'd wait until the 12 week mark.

If it were me in your shoes, I'd tell the kids before MIL arrives, and tell her when she gets there. Stay positive and tell her how much you want this baby. There's no point in her telling you three kids is madness because number three is already on its way. You can tell her as much.

#18 SusieGreen

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:08 PM

QUOTE (doctorseuss @ 16/12/2012, 08:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would tell your kids before she comes and then tell her when she comes. At almost 10 weeks and feeling so sick this is likely to be a successful pregnancy. Tell her in a positive way and don't take any negative discussion. "It's our decision, its a much wanted baby and we are thrilled".

I told our kids and family at 6 weeks each time.

From extensive experience, this is so not true.

I wouldn't tell. You sound like you kinda want to though. Or have her 'guess'. If that's the case tell. Otherwise, don't. Good luck with whatever you do  original.gif

#19 Lcasey

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:46 PM

Thanks to everyone who replied, I very much appreciate your opinions. She is a wonderful woman, yes hard to please, but her heart is usually in the right place, (she reminds me of Marie from Everybody loves Raymond. Makes me very glad to have roughly 2000 km between us. I am still undecided, but i think I'm leaning towards don't volunteer, don't lie.  
QUOTE (Funwith3 @ 16/12/2012, 10:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Can't you tell her and rely on her to keep it to herself for the time being? Do her entire group of staff have to know too!?

They live in a very spread out, but sparsely populated community. Everyone knows when someone has a cold. And either way, I'm fairly sure she would talk about it. Either to brag if she surprises us and is happy for us, or to vent to DH's aunt and grandmother (her SIL and mother) and GMIL is a terrible gossip. Though I might be able to convince her to keep it to herself for a couple of weeks. Though that's a gamble.

QUOTE (YodaTheWrinkledOne @ 16/12/2012, 01:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
...Once you tell her, you'd need to tell the kids immediately.  Is there any reason you can't tell the kids now anyway??  (Are they old enough to keep their mouths shut?)

...Mind you, I would actually expect/want your DH to say all of that to his own mother, not you.

I suspect she only treats you like teenagers because it's a habit behaviour for both her, your DH and now you.  Break the habit.

The Kids have been asking for a baby for a long time and they haven't developed the whole keep a secret yet. If they know, everyone from Nana to the local coffee shop owner will know.

DH was going to do all the talking. His mum, his responsibility to tell her, the same with my parents are my responsibility. Its the way it has been with the boys as well. He was giving me the choice of when.

I think you are on to something about her perception though. I met her when we were in year 7 and growing up, MIL was a fiercely independent single mother. So she's had to be strong. She just takes the theme too far. I think we've had a bit of trouble moving past that point on all sides.

QUOTE (au*lit @ 16/12/2012, 01:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
...There's no point in her telling you three kids is madness because number three is already on its way.

Good point wink.gif I think I'll use something like this if she start whenever we do tell her.

Edited by Lcasey, 16 December 2012 - 02:49 PM.

#20 Isolabella

Posted 16 December 2012 - 02:52 PM

I would not tell. I listened to mum telling me I was lazy on an overseas trip, even avoided directly answering an " are you PG?" Question and told on schedule. Very happy to do that as the week I arrived home I had heavy bleeding and was put on bed rest. Told everyone at 12 wks as planned.

Eta it was also my third.

Edited by lsolaBella, 16 December 2012 - 02:54 PM.

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