...kinda a spin off, kinda not
, Dec 13 2012 10:17 PM
24 replies to this topic
Posted 13 December 2012 - 10:17 PM
I would certainly define myself as socially awkward. I have no close friends outside of my family. Not a one. A few acquaintances and 'catch up for coffee' type friends, but no 'bare your soul' type friends.
I guess a lot of it stems from some bad friend experiences, where I made a huge effort to be there, support said friends through difficult times etc, and then when I fell on emotionally difficult times myself.... *crickets*. I have also been bullied in the past (high school) - here not only did my friends do nothing to support me, some of them actually turned bully themselves.
We also move a lot, my DH is in the RAAF and we move about once every three years ish. I think because of this I'm very protective of my space, whatever house we are in, I do not like having visitors over generally, it makes me feel invaded (even if I invited them). I try not to show it but it probably does come across subconsciously.
I often wonder what it would be like to have a close 'girly' friendship. The friends I have made locally here have mostly known each other for years and often get together without me (which is fine), but get togethers to which I am invited have been slowly declining for the past year or so to the point now that I haven't been invited to anything for more than 6 months, despite my getting in touch and asking them when they were free for a get together, they said they'd let me know. *crickets* I have made a few new friends of late which is nice, here we start the whole getting to know you process again... I wonder what it would be like to just bare your soul to someone who really knows you (other than DH)...
Not sure what I'm asking here actually, except, can you relate??
Posted 13 December 2012 - 10:23 PM
I'm the same. I really am. I'm likeable I think and get on with people but it's all a show. My husband jokingly calls me "socially akward Anni". I get very stressed when we have people over, I struggle with small talk, I hide alot of myself. I have girly friendships but I often wonder how deep they are. I just feel a bit...uncomfortable around people.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 10:25 PM
Absolutely relate. I used to be fine with friends when I was younger but it just seems to have slowly gone away. I too have moved recently and now am trying my hardest to make friends in my mothers group.
I keep getting all those thoughts of why did you say that? You are stupid! No one likes you. My confidence is completely shot and it only makes me withdraw more so I guess that is why am pushing myself more. Being a new SAHM doesn't allow for my old fall back of making friends at work or at least getting to have an adult conversation everyday with someone other than my DH. Just have to keep trying I suppose but it is good to know I am not alone
Posted 13 December 2012 - 10:30 PM
I can relate.
I find social scripts awkward. I know when someone asks how I am I'm supposed to respond with fine thanks but I find it contrived and unnatural. So I often drop the ball in conversations.
I also have no desire to bare my soul to anyone so friends probably feel I am keeping them at arm's length. This might be true. I don't know. What I do know is that it doesn't really bother me very much. I think I'm just a bit of a loner.
Posted 13 December 2012 - 10:33 PM
I am similar. I have worked in the same place for 12.5 years, but still only feel comfortable with a few, although I know alot, and have had 5 different positions. I do know the politics though, so am able to dodge that bullet.
My issue is with complacency. My manager just expects me to be there, with all the answers. Thing id, I have the answers, no-one else will even think of volunterning
Posted 14 December 2012 - 09:44 AM
Yep. I struggle to let people get close and never know the right thing to say. I suck at small talk, can't get my head around gossip and struggle with eye contact.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 09:49 AM
How funny, I thought I was the only one!
I don't really mind, I'm happy hanging out with my family.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 11:43 AM
Me too to all of it, though I have struggled from Primary school.
I have been diagnosed with mild social phobia and am seeing a psychologist to help me overcome this (among other issues I have....sigh). It is hard because I think most people look at me and see a confident, "with it" person who is fine at the small talk etv when really I am a dribbling mess on the inside.
Most of the time I am ok with it, but sometimes I yearn for someone to be able to freely talk to, besides by husband. Unfortunately for me DH has moderate-severe social phobia so he is of no help!
Funnily I am great in a work environment though.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 11:51 AM
Puts hand up.
I moved interstate to be with DH. So I have no long standing friends. Even when one of my old highschool friends moved to the same city I am in, we only get together once every 4-6m. I am busy with my family. She is busy with her Medical career (working ED so crazy shift hours plus studying).
I don't like to feel that I am imposing on people (I like quiet time myself) so feel like I am imposing if I ask people to coffee etc.
I also dislike having people in my personal space (ie my house). It creates major anxiety for me.
I have a few 'quick chat at the school gates' friends with DS1 starting school, but that has been put on hold this year as DS2 4yo Kinder conflicts with school pickup/dropoff so I am constantly running around.
So yes my DH is the only one I have major D&Ms with. When he is interstate/overseas for work I just hate it (he is currently away in Mongolia). I miss having some to complain to.
As I said I moved interstate to be with DH, so my family is all a state away.
Why do you think I spend so much time on EB?
Posted 14 December 2012 - 11:53 AM
I don't think you are odd or should feel like an outsider just bc you are not interested in the BS which passes for a lot of social interaction. I know lots of people, I only have about 3 real friends who have got my back (outside of family).
Posted 14 December 2012 - 11:56 AM
Yeah me too. Although I don't keep people at arms length - if anything I'm overly open. But I'm crap at keeping touch with my best friends, I feel affronted/rejected really easily, and I'm probably just a bit socially awkward in that people don't usually confide in me. Maybe I'm self absorbed, and it shows, I'm not sure. I'm definitely slack at making an effort.
But I miss having close friends
Posted 14 December 2012 - 12:01 PM
I've only had one close friend, but we had a falling out many years ago, as friend said some nasty things to me. I think we were too competitive with each other, and when I was further ahead in life, she got narky.
I've not let any friends become to close since, I have noticed that I do push them away if they want to be chummy. I'm really quite happy to only really open up to my family and husband.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 12:19 PM
Oh gosh yes. I am a no-friends-Nellie!
I've only ever had one close friend, she died 5 years ago and I don't know how to make friends. I don't see what anyone would get out of being friends with me. I don't want to bother people and be a pest in trying to build friendships as I know I wouldn't want to be friends with me so why would anyone else.
My husband is the opposite, he is always wanting to invite people around (his friends), I hate it. He enjoys going out with his friends, I don't.
I certainly don't open up to anyone outside of home and even then it has to be something big for me to talk about with H. I'm more likely to talk to myself. <whoop whoop> - there goes the crazy person siren!
Posted 14 December 2012 - 12:29 PM
Same here OP.
One thing I've always wondered is who'll be my bridesmaid when I get married? What friends will attend my wedding?
Posted 14 December 2012 - 12:44 PM
I wonder whether it's fairly common to not have the sort of friendships where you can just tell someone everything and spend lots of time together? I'm not saying that people don't have these relationships, because I'm sure many do.
I had those sort of very deep, spend hours on the phone friendships in high school and for a few years after that, but since then most of my friendships are the kind where you catch up to go to specific events, for coffee, or invite people over for dinner occasionally. They're not the kind where you just drop in any time you like. I'm pretty open, so I'd probably tell most people most things, but I tend to keep conversation fairly light-hearted. Friendships seem to be less about emotional sharing and more about entertainment and company, as I grow older, but maybe that's just me. In my teens and early twenties, we spent a lot of time dissecting our various emotions, but now when I talk to people, even fairly minor expressions of negative emotions are sort of dismissed. I don't find this necessarily a bad thing, though, and it may just be my experience.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 01:08 PM
While not classically socially awkward (if the people I'm with are cool, at least) but I get the moving around/protective thing. I have a bad tendency to avoid making close ties if I don't feel like I'll be somewhere for very long. My road-runner nature tends to make this true quite often, unfortunately. I also used to tend to turn my home into Awesome-land even if not staying long. Like I ALWAYS put pictures up on the very first night and that sort of thing. It was my haven away from people and I didn't terribly much like having to disturb the flow. I think very few people manage to make BFFs when living a fully mobile lifestyle. Luckily, a few people have managed to win my heart along the way.
Do you work? I've met my closest friends through work, either as coworkers or clients.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 01:18 PM
I can relate to the moving around thing as well. and defence life. its hard to let people in when you know/have known that you will just move along and have to start again.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 01:30 PM
I am socially awkward in the sense that I always say the wrong things and embarrass myself with people other than my closest friends and family. I try and learn from it... 'If it sounds funny in your head, it won't be as funny aloud so don't say it'
Posted 14 December 2012 - 02:00 PM
Not so much socially awkward as socially guarded. The older I get, the fewer my close friends.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 05:43 PM
Maybe BFF's are more of a teenager/early adulthood kinda thing.
Maybe as we get older, we become more private?
Posted 14 December 2012 - 05:49 PM
I find social scripts awkward. I know when someone asks how I am I'm supposed to respond with fine thanks but I find it contrived and unnatural. So I often drop the ball in conversations.
Me too. I just cannot do small talk. Once the conversation gets going and has an actual topic I'm fine, but those little bits of nothing much at the start, I just 'mmm' and nod to get past it. Unfortunately this is making me a bit worried about starting midwifery next year, I don't think any social awkwardness will help.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 05:55 PM
I am socially confident. I am usually centre of attention at a social gathering. People would look at me and be surprised if I admitted I was lonely.
I can completely relate. I have many friends who I catch up with but not someone I have been able to have intimate conversations with in many, many years (since high school if I am being honest) I seem to have trivial and jovial conversations with people but rarely have a real 'heart to heart'
It think it is relatively common.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 06:24 PM
Gosh, your posts make me feel really sad.
I am totally a socially awkward person - I never know what to say, dislike my body, and don't really think I have that much to say to strangers that might make them want to talk to me, HOWEVER I am really fortunate to have four close friends.
They are all very different people and all provide me with support in different ways, and I hope and believe I do the same for them.
As a previous poster has suggested, three of these friendships are "old" friendships - from highschool, highschool part time job and from Uni, however the other friendship has unexpectedly developed in the past two years, with a Mum from Mothers Group.
I am shy, socially awkward, a homebody and not particularly social, but these friendships are a great source of support for me. I can go a year without speaking to them (work, kids, families all do this to you) but the moment we speak, it's exactly the same.
I guess I just wanted to share that these friendships can really be worth nurturing if they are what you looking for. Sometimes you have to go out of your comfort zone for these to develop.
I am certainly no collector of friends - the thought of having lots of friends (and the social obligations that go along with it) makes me want to run and hide forever, whereas others love to have lots of "friends".
Despite these close friendships, I still do feel lonely at times, but I think that is really just my personality.
If you would like a close friend, try to keep an open mind. I think these friendships develop more easily in our youth due to not have so many other distractions in our lives.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 08:18 PM
Did she go evangelistic on you, Freaky? One of my family members turned religious and dumped everyone a couple of years ago.
I find the moving around sucky too. I've joined the kindergarten parents committee in the hope that even if it doesn't result in friendships, at least I'll have something in common and to talk about with the other members.
Posted 14 December 2012 - 08:22 PM
Yeap, offically Nigel No-Friends here - which probably comes as no surprise.
I had a really close friend, my BFF - thought we would be friends forever. However, she found a much "better christian friend" and ended our friendship extremely cruelly. Looking back, that is kinda her MO anyway, but never that badly.
So now i have no one but hubby, don't even have family I can chat to really either. I have FB friends that seem to care more about me IRL than anyone actually IRL
- makes me wonder just how f-ed up am I that people cant stand me. Add that to my social issues and the added sh*t my exfriend unloaded on me and i may as well just give up now. The next 50yrs look very depressing
this made me sad
I know its hard to not let that kind of stuff get to you, but what she has said/done is her hang up, not yours
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