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When your husband tells you you're overweight

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#1 overweightanon

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:40 AM

My husband who is very lovely, caring and devoted husband and father last night told me the awful truth.
He said he was concerned for my health and well being as I was now very overweight sad.gif he is right, I'm 108kg and a size 22 (omg that hurts to write that) and have put on 25kg since we met. We have 3 young children and run a business from home. He said he has noticed that while I don't eat the best, I seem to eat a lot and spend a lot of my time on the couch and computer (again also correct) and that I seem to of lost my spark. I pretty much polished of a cake on my own the other day cry1.gif
I realise it took a lot for him to say it and it wasn't said in a way to be hurtful or in an argument.
I think I've tried everything over the years to get rid of the weight, I really struggled after the births of each of my children and used food as a comfort, we have a 9 month old, 2yr old and 5yr old. I lack the ability to follow through and makes any changes for longer than a week, even just simple small 'swap it' changes. I'm so worried I am going to be one of those women who needs a crane to remove her from her house or something blink.gif
I know what to do to lose weight, like I said I lose focus easily. I'm a smart woman and know how it all works, but I'm just not motivated to do it.
I'm now wondering if I'm motivated enough to do it for my family...and even then the lure of food is too tempting. I feel like a sh*t mum because I have no energy, and not fit enough to play with the kids. I feel awful so never want to have sex with my husband.
I think I've been in denial for a long time about how big I am, but my body is being punished I can tell in every area, and the other day I could barely fit comfortably in a seat at a cafe. We recently flew to Melbourne for a family trip and I was so uncomfy in the seat as my thighs were digging into the arm rest.

I really don't know what to do, I'm not looking for ideas at the moment, like I said I know what I need to do, but I'm so devastated my husband has told me this and it must be bad enough for him to think he needed an intervention.

#2 ubermum

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:43 AM

Perhaps you need to see a counsellor and work out why you are so unhappy that you need food to comfort you.

#3 Funwith3

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:46 AM

I think your husband is to be commended for telling you the truth, like you said, it would have been so hard for him to say because he knew it would hurt you. But by not telling you, he would be setting you up for severe health problems in the future.

He has a duty of care to you.

Why don't you see a dietician to start off with or join a club (Jenny Craig etc). It's very true what they say (almost too good to be true) - exercise and healthy eating REALLY DOES WORK! Not just mostly healthy eating. ALL healthy eating. It works. You have to start somewhere. I think the hardest part would be just getting started.

Good luck, and good on you for knowing you have to do something.  original.gif

#4 HRH Countrymel

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:47 AM

Same thing happened to me last night.

I had given DP the letter I had written to my Auntie to read and it had mention in it to how I had got "Very Fat" this year.

He read that out and said "Yep!  You are going to lose some weight next year aren't you baby?"  

Our problem is that I am a really great cook, and lazy, I put more in than I burn off.  

I don't know how it got to this... I am the fattest I have ever, ever been - and I am not 'jolly' about it at all.

#5 erindiv

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:49 AM

I'm sorry sad.gif That can't have been an easy thing to hear from someone you love so much.

I lack motivation too. I have a terrible, terrible diet. I can't even remember the last time I ate a vegetable. I make vows that I will change, but I never do. I KNOW what I NEED to do, but I just can't stick with it... which sounds like your trouble too, and a problem that is very difficult to overcome.

I hope you find your solution soon. There are some wonderful support groups here.

#6 ~RM~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:55 AM

You know there are so many things you can do with this, all of them positive, all of them will feel like a weight off your shoulders, all of them will inspire you.

You dont need to tackle this hurdle on your own, and you dont need to tackle it all at once.

Have a think about what option appeals to you most, a dietician? A weight loss group (weight watchers etc)? A counsellor? A personal trainer? An online system (biggest loser club/michelle bridges etc)?

You will probably find the motivation will come slowly, but more so once you find something that you feel comfortable with, and something you feel good about doing.

The only way is up!!!!! You can change your life, small steps, one by one.

Good luck original.gif

Edited by ~RM~, 11 December 2012 - 10:56 AM.

#7 MadamDivine

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:55 AM

I find joining a program where you check in/weigh in makes me more accountable plus the added support of people who are going through the same as I am is a bonus.

I lost 9 kg in 9 weeks doing the Michelle Bridges program and I found it awesome. But in saying that you do have to be 110% committed.

Also with any weight loss program, expect to fall off the rails. The trick is getting back on them.

i hope you can find a way to help you help yourself, best of luck xox

#8 *Finn*

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:55 AM

Op I could have written this same post word for word. I have actually attempted to write this a few times over the last few weeks but deleted it. My husband has made a few comments over the years which have hurt me greatly but I know he is speaking the truth. I am 91kg now so have put on 20-25kg over the last 7 years.

Definitely the bulk of that has been in the last 3 years since having kids. We run a small business out of the home that is extremely stressful and tiresome. That along with 2 kids 14 months apart who have been sick with tonsil/ear problems since birth and terrible sleeping patterns I have muddleld my way through the fog and just tried to do the best I can.

I know I haven't made the right choices. And I am terrible at sticking with things. I also have a real issue with getting organized with food for the week. As my husband  is at work 6 days a week I usually rush through the shopping and miss half of the food I need. I spend a huge amount of time creating healthy Lunchs for my children but can't seem to stick with a plan for myself.

I don't feel good about myself, I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight but yet I have no motivation to stick with it???
For the last few weeks I have had thoughts like why bother.......I'm only going to fail again.
I have to make some changes. I have a really great friend who msg's all the time to see how I am going so I need to utilize her more. I don't have any spare time for the gym but I could be out walking with the kids more often.

Sorry for the ramble but I wanted you to know you're not the only one who feels like you do. I imagine it would feel pretty damn amazing to lose 10-20kg so I'm trying to keep that positive thought in my head.

Edited by *Finn*, 11 December 2012 - 10:56 AM.

#9 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:59 AM

I think the first step is addressing the emotional issues behind the unhealthy eating habits. You can make all the changes in the world, but nothing will stick until you deal with the reasons behind it.

I agree with a PP suggesting a counsellor might be a good first step?

I hope things improve for you OP. It must have been very tough to hear (and difficult for him to say also) original.gif

In terms of weight loss programs, I found weight watchers wonderful. I'm actually a life time member now (though on a break due to pregnancy) but it really helped me address the reasons behind my bad eating / lifestyle habits and broke the cycle a bit. Plus the support and friends I have made there are wonderful.

Edited by lozoodle, 11 December 2012 - 11:00 AM.

#10 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:01 AM

My DH has started telling me how fat I am but he doesn't do it out of concern for my health, more that he wants a "thin wife", I tell him all the time that he is welcome to go and find a thin wife if that is what is important to him.

I comfort eat and have problems with depression and unhappiness. I want to exercise more and be better and eat healthier but right now I am ovwhelmed by everything and all the stress going on.

Good luck OP, I hope you Are able to overcome your demons.

#11 Guest_- Poppy -_*

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:02 AM

First of all you are not alone, I know what you are going through because im the same.

In fact 62% of Australian adults are either overweight or obese and 25% of kids are. http://www.healthyweightweek.com.au/index....geid=2145881908

I know what to do and I can do it for a little while but soon life gets in the way and I slowly abandon it and forget about it for a while but its always at the back of my mind.

I wish I had the solution so I could give it to you but I dont.

I have tried everything and when I mean I have tried everything - I have tried everything! Diets, counselling, personal trainers - ive spent thousands over the years and it helps for a little while but not long term.

People that are not obese dont understand, they just dont. Food is a drug just like alcohol, gambling etc but the thing is with food - you cant go cold turkey.

You cant just stop eating and there is temptation everywhere.

Ive got GD at the moment and I have to be on a strict diet otherwise ill be put on insulin and while I was waiting in the line at the supermarket and I was looking at all of the shelves and I thought to myself most of the things on these shelves I cant eat.

It dawned on me that the majority of food that is sold in the shops really isnt good for you. Most of the food when we go out really isnt good for us and the portion sizes are way too big. Its hard to make good choices when there are so many bad choices and the information we get is conflicting and confusing.

My GD diet seems to be working for me at the moment. Its really basic and pretty boring but I really dont want to have diabetes anymore! If I cant stick to it after I have the baby and 6 months from now if I have put back on all the weight I have lost im having stomach surgery.

Its my last resort and its the lesser of two evils. Id rather take the risk with stomach surgery than become morbidly obese and get type 2 diabetes and heart disease.

I know stomach surgery isnt the be all and end all, its just a tool to help me. Its very hard to make good food choices when your body is screaming at you for food all the time. Im constantly hungry and want to eat so hopefully stomach surgery will help me control that.

Good luck to you!

Edited by - Poppy -, 11 December 2012 - 11:03 AM.

#12 overweightanon

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:07 AM

How would I go about finding a counsellor for eating issues? are there there particular people? I'm not even sure really why I eat for comfort as in someone would have to dig around and help me find it out because there isn't any obvious thing to me at the moment.

But I like that idea...I had PND after the birth of my daughter 5yrs ago and it got really bad then. But I haven't relapsed or anything.

to Poppy, I have thought about that surgery, but i'd be mortified for my family to find out I had to have something like it, I think its by way of admitting just how bad things were

Edited by overweightanon, 11 December 2012 - 11:09 AM.

#13 RealityBites

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:08 AM

I lost weight for the first time ever earlier this year using My Fitness Pal after injuring my hip and finally getting the motivation to lose it. Instead of thinking 'I'll start tomorrow' it was just a case of doing it, now. I went for a beach walk every day, 20 minutes on my exercise bike every day, and logged my food. I wasn't perfect, but still managed to lose about 6kg (of the 20 extra I am carrying!) before I got pregnant.  The best thing was that my emotional/mental state improved out of sight  original.gif

#14 #YKG

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:15 AM

OP i am massively overweight i previously got to a certain kg off and i would stop it's like for me 10kg gone is a road block in my own mind.

I know its hard, its painful too. OP maybe start off slow like going for an hour walk with hubby & kids after school, then cleaning up everyone in the houses diet.

Maybe have an sccountability buddy where you check in and talk openly about the good and bad. Maybe keep a food diary of everything you eat for 7 days and review it.

#15 CallMeFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:21 AM

Sympathies OP sad.gif
I'm not fat yet but I've gotten to that age where it's starting to happen, and as I'm EXTREMELY undisciplined about food I'm having a lot of trouble reversing it. The problem for me I guess is the psychological side - food as a treat, boredom eating, sugar addiction, laziness (in terms of putting more effort into cooking healthy stuff).
I agree with the others re seeing a counsellor, sounds like a good first step.
And then what I'm trying to do is replace food that I'm not really 'tasting'. Like when I eat junk food at my desk at work, I'm not really tasting it, it's boredom eating. So I've started buying bags of snow peas and eating them instead. I don't even like the buggers. But, as it turns out, I don't really care - if they are there I eat them, because they are easy and handy. When I get REALLY sick of them then I eat something else, but I make that hard to do - I don't keep the junk in my drawer anymore, so that I have to really WANT to eat something unhealthy and actually go and get it. It's amazing how many snow peas I get through before I get sick enough of them to go get something unhealthy.
Gradual replacement of these sorts of things is a bit easier than trying to cold turkey it and just craving all the stuff you like.
I'm trying to give up sugar too (you could give 'Sweet Poison' a read - it's quite motivating!) so I'm gradually swapping out my biscuits for nuts. And I tell you what - swapping out my main meals for a salad - I don't even LIKE salad - so half the time I find I'm so full of snow peas and don't feel like eating leaves, so I skip the meal altogether - which is no bad thing.

Sorry all random stuff, I haven't been on this bandwagon very long, I'm sort of new to needing to lose weight, I'm sure the experts will have way better advice.
But what I'm trying to say is - I think there is a way to do it, for everyone, if you look at the cause of each issue, and then develop a workaround.
In my case laziness was an issue - snow peas solved it (snow peas because they can sit at my desk and be eaten as is - I don't have the patience to go and chop up carrot sticks). Snacking is an issue - nuts are helping. Sugar is an issue - I'm gradually reducing the sugar in my tea and coffee, and I've found that I quite like oat milk so I'm replacing chocolate milk with that.
In my case my 'diet' is not that hard as I'm just trying to give up fructose, so I can replace it with other yummy stuff, but I know that it's not just a sugar issue with me, it's the habits. And tbh the more I think about avoiding sugar, the more I crave it... but even then, I'm doing stuff like replacing normal coke with coke zero - which I HATE - which in turn ensures I drink very little of (which is the outcome I want as aspartame is evil too).

So maybe a) see a counsellor, to develop these sort of strategies for your own issues, and/or b) just start with the worst offender/issue habit-wise, and tackle that first, not by trying to cut out altogether, but by developing a feasible alternative - not necessarily a food alternative it could be an action. Let that become habit for a few weeks, and then tackle the next one.
Rinse, repeat original.gif Good luck - I'm hoping that strategy works for me too!

Edited by CallMeAliG, 11 December 2012 - 11:21 AM.

#16 Feral-Lausii

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:23 AM

I have struggled with my weight up and down the past 10 or so years. Finally a few months ago something clicked in my head and I decided I had to do something now or I would be miserable for the rest of my life. My reflux/gord was playing up big time. I could hardly get out of bed in the mornings. I had no energy for anything. I was miserable.

I started by slowly cutting down sugar. I joined MFP http://www.myfitnesspal.com/
I track every single thing I put in my mouth. I no longer drink soft drink. I found some nice tasting diet soft drinks I get on the occasions I want something fizzy. I still have little bits of chocolate here and there. I try not to deny myself anything and make it fit in the daily calories if I want it.

I started at 125 kg. I am now hovering around 100. Can hardly wait to get to double digits!

I exercise 4-5 times a week, cardio plus weight training. I think the weight training has really helped a lot with the weight loss, I can feel muscles everywhere!  biggrin.gif

I am no longer miserable. There is light at the end of the tunnel! I can see myself back down at a healthy weight. I guess what I'm trying to say is you can do it!

Start with little goals, make time for yourself a few times a week to do some exercise. Often getting out in the fresh air does wonders for your mood. If I can't get to the gym I put my 3 year old in the pram and push her up and down the hills around here. She loves it!

Start slowly. Before you know it the weight will start dropping off. If you join up MFP please add me, pm me and I will give you my user name.

You can do this!!!

#17 Nasty Jerk

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:25 AM

I'd like to suggest the MB12WBT as well.

A month before it starts you go through 'pre-season' which is all about organising you life and giving you the tools to begin before you start.  There is homework with each activity, and one of the sessions is involving the family.

My weakness (and I'm sure other's as well ) is that if there is junk in the house, I will eat it.  DH and I lived apart for 12 months and I had no issue with my diet, when we moved back in together, he didn't have a weight issue and in came the Pepsi, chips, bacon, etc.

So despite my requests he continued to bring the junk home, and would lovingly buy me chocolate when he knew I'd had a bad day.  When I started the program he watched the weekly activities with me, and made the commitment to me to clean up our diets and plan our exercise.

He's printing the meal plans, and we are shopping from the list provided together.  

Given that you husband has raised it with you, now may good be a good time to have a crack at it together.  Will power may work for some, but you are setting yourself up for failure if you don't have him onside, eating the same as you, and making changes with you.

#18 Nasty Jerk

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:27 AM

Can I add too, DH still gets his junk, he is drinking sarspirella and eating liquorice which I hate, and wouldn't touch.

#19 CallMeFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:28 AM

QUOTE (overweightanon @ 11/12/2012, 12:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
to Poppy, I have thought about that surgery, but i'd be mortified for my family to find out I had to have something like it, I think its by way of admitting just how bad things were

Don't mean to sound harsh but... they probably already think it's that bad, but just don't know how to say anything. Your DH probably did a lot of soul searching before talking to you about it, and it's probably been coming on for a while.

As for counselling, I suspect almost any counsellor could discuss it with you, or if you'd like a specialist in that area, google it in your state/city, like "food addiction counselling Sydney". I suspect actually any sort of addiction counsellor would do a reasonable job.
I did a general google for food addiction counselling and came up with these: http://www.leademcounseling.com/counseling...tion-counseling
no idea whether they are reputable or not or where you are though. Might be an idea to ask your GP whether they know of anyone good - I think a GOOD counsellor will matter more than whether they are specialised in that area.

#20 Liv_DrSperm_sh

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:37 AM

QUOTE (overweightanon @ 11/12/2012, 12:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How would I go about finding a counsellor for eating issues? are there there particular people? I'm not even sure really why I eat for comfort as in someone would have to dig around and help me find it out because there isn't any obvious thing to me at the moment.

But I like that idea...I had PND after the birth of my daughter 5yrs ago and it got really bad then. But I haven't relapsed or anything.

to Poppy, I have thought about that surgery, but i'd be mortified for my family to find out I had to have something like it, I think its by way of admitting just how bad things were

Best place is to start with your GP, they can actually get a care plan set up for you where you can get a number of sessions with a counsellor/dietician on medicare. They will also be able to assess you for any depression - getting your mood under control might just be the first step.

There is lots of support out there for people wanting to lose weight, but first you need to make that decision for yourself.

It must have been really hard to hear from your DH, but think how concerned he must be to have gotten up the courage to say it!

#21 overweightanon

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:40 AM

QUOTE (CallMeAliG @ 11/12/2012, 12:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Don't mean to sound harsh but... they probably already think it's that bad, but just don't know how to say anything. Your DH probably did a lot of soul searching before talking to you about it, and it's probably been coming on for a while.

I just burst into tears...because I suspect you're right. cry1.gif

#22 Literary Lemur

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:42 AM

I think talking to a psychologist could be helpful.

Since your husband is supportive could you also form a new family habit such as going for a walk together after dinner?  Exercise is powerful because it has just as much impact on your mood, energy levels as well as your body.  I know when I exercise I am far more upbeat than when I don't.

For me walking also reduces my apetitte I assume because it improves insulin sensativity.

You may also find that just tracking what you are doing right now might be enough to encourage change.  You may discover that one or two of your habits are making all the difference.  If you go into a free website such as www.calorieking.com.au you coudl say log what you ate ysterday.  You could also join us over at "lots to lose"  we are all going through similar struggles.

Edited by amoral lemur, 11 December 2012 - 11:42 AM.

#23 2_little_boys

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:43 AM

I will put my hand up too.

Im a bit bigger than you though.  Im 112kg.  I have gained about 25kg since my eldest was born in 2003.  I now want to lose 32kg which will bring me down to 80kg and while still overweight *I* will be happier with myself.

I have worked out for me to get there (I only started recently and have lost 3kg) I need to make little goals.

First goal is 5kg before Christmas.  And Im well on my way to that.  The other thing I need is support.  I tried to do it on my own and every time I would get to 1-2 weeks then I was bored.  I now have mum, sister, husband (although he works away) on board helping.  Plus I have 3 other ladies at work losing with me and more that are supporting me.

I find Im more accountable because these people know what Im trying to do and are helping and supporting me along the way.

If you want a chat or some support from someone also battling the bulge come find me here - https://www.facebook.com/#!/april.ellis.73

Or PM me and we can work something out.

#24 CallMeFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:55 AM

QUOTE (overweightanon @ 11/12/2012, 12:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I just burst into tears...because I suspect you're right. cry1.gif

Oh crap I'm sorry sad.gif I didn't mean it that way. And I could be wrong - people don't notice changes when they see you daily. Can I take it back?
I was just thinking that my brother is extremely overweight and the people who don't see him daily really notice it when they do see him. They don't say anything but they come to me afterwards with all sorts of questions and suggestions... as if I could somehow solve it for him sad.gif I don't notice anymore, because I see him weekly. Then every now and then it hits me, but I feel so helpless.
I think they would all be massively relieved if he went for surgery, because he's a heart attack just waiting to happen right now sad.gif

#25 Anyway...

Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:59 AM

My husband said the same to me a couple of months ago, the next day I started with a personal trainer and have since lost 14kg's (ticker isn't updated yet I'm still slack)

For me it was the wake up call I needed like you he wasn't saying to hurt me he was just really worried and at the time although Hirt I thank him now!

When you are ready it will happen you just need tat lightning bolt moment and it will
Come. I think as a pp said seeing a counsellor would definitely help.

If you want pm me and we can moan about our husbands good intentions together lol

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