Jump to content

Do you give your friends an honest opinion when they meet a new partner?


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:37 AM

I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

Edited by peach*face, 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM.


#2 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#3 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#4 Ninja Lemur

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:41 AM

I wouldn't say I didn't like him but I might bring up any behaviour that worried me.

#5 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:46 AM

I have told a friend what I thought of her new partner.

At that point in time she didn't like it & cut off contact with me, two months later she rang me & apologised for her behaviour, as she finally saw him for the person I did.

He was so controlling & demanding it was scary.

Funny enough it actually strengthened our friendship because she realised I was simply trying to protect her.

#6 Country (deci)Mel

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:47 AM

My friend was shocked when her horrific husband left her to discover how much we all hated him, and how much of the controlling, psychologically abusive behaviour we had witnessed.

After that we all made a pact to SAY SOMETHING!  Middle class politeness can be a curse.

Your friend needs to be told.  

Take the 'praise, praise, criticism, praise' approach and tread carefully.  Don't totally slag him off, otherwise you are going to create a Romeo and Juliet mindset (us against the world!)

Find (however difficult it is) positive things to say about him to bookend the problem behaviours.

Give examples (even if they are from fictional people you make up) of other relationships with the same problems.

She might get upset - and if she does don't YOU get upset back, you will need the door to be open for when she needs you when it all gets worse.

But say something.

#7 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:54 AM

Thank you thank you thank you! Praise, praise, criticism, praise, that sounds sensible. Combined with "I" messages too I think I will try that.

She hasn't asked for opinions from me directly.

but She has asked me what my partner thought when he met him. That was awkward. Had it been an old friend I would have no trouble saying what we all know. But I don't have that level of comfort yet, its still a pretty new friendship (even though I value her very much as a friend).

#8 Cranky Kitten

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM

One of my girlfriends had a new partner I rather disliked and didn't like the way he treated her - I organised a girly catch up for a chance to talk to her without him around. During the catch up I asked her how things were going with Partner, she tried to reassure me that things were fine but said "you don't like him do you?" - I was honest with her about why but said I'd still be there for her as her friend.



#9 WibbleWobble

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:03 AM

Please tell her. It is up to her if she takes what you say on board or not.

My friend was in a relationship like your friend, even though she knew none of us liked him she hung in there for years not thinking she could do better.

Thankfully she finally came to her senses and it was only then, like a pp said, that she realized to the extent he was so disliked by everyone and sadly how badly he had treated her children over the years.

#10 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:00 PM

QUOTE (peach*face @ 11/12/2012, 09:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

If asked, I have said that the person they are seeing is not who I would have pictured them with.  I have also brought up the fact that their patterns/behaviors/habits have changed and is she happy with the level of change happening (sometimes happening so quickly).  Gives them something to think about.

Ultimately, their relationship, their decision.  There are ways of indicating you have concerns without directly saying that you think their partner is a tosser.  You never know, they could end up being together for 56 years and she might be as happy as a pig in mud.

I don't like the partners for 2 of my friends.  But they think they have hit the jackpot.  Nothing I can say will change that (both of them have been with these guys for over 10 years now).  If they are happy, that's all that matters.  And if it ever busts up, I'm here for a friend.

#11 rosie28

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:11 PM

I wish I had with one of my closest friends - she endured three years of hell, him going to prison on child molestation charges, him controlling her every move (even from prison), financial ruin and emotional turmoil before she could see him for the [insert VERY expressive word here] he was and is.

I will never stay silent again, I regret it every day.

#12 netballgirls

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:39 AM

yes, when we were teenagers I told one of my good friends that her bf was an ass hole.  Needless to say we didn't see each other any more after that.  

They got married after a few years and then divorced - I think that she would agree with me now.

#13 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:47 AM

In the situation you've described, yes, I'd say something. Too many alarm bells ringing.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

How a baby can survive alone for days on end

The baby found abandoned in a Sydney drain may have been alone for up to six days without being fed, leaving many asking how he could have survived.

When it begins to look a lot like Christmas

A child's excitement at Christmas time is a beautiful thing, but one dad ponders whether his toddler daughter is getting into the festive mood a bit too soon.

Hospital lets dads the experience some of the pain of childbirth

A new experience is radically altering men's views of childbirth.

Italian doctors questioned over formula bribes

Italian police have placed 12 doctors under house arrest on suspicion of promoting baby milk formula over breastfeeding.

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Those special moments of sibling bonding

Every now and then your child does or says something that is truly memorable.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Baby monitor footage posted online

Footage of Australian babies and children sleeping in their bedrooms are among the images on a Russian site showing live feeds from thousands of homes and businesses around the world.

Did this new dad really hit on his wife's midwife?

Was there really a man who was actually there by his wife’s side as she laboured and gave birth to his child, all while he was making what he perceived to be meaningful eye contact with a midwife?

Keep calm and ignore the Tantrum Trolls

Tantrum Trolls are a small but growing species of predatory bottom-feeders who delight in picking on parents at their most vulnerable.

It's okay to never 'get over' the death of a loved one

The death of children, siblings, and parents has long term impacts on the rest of our lives.

What Mark Latham needs to know about depression and motherhood

In a bizarre bid for relevancy, Former Opposition leader Mark Latham has deduced that because one female journalist had this week light-heartedly thanked antidepressants and caffeine for getting her through a medical degree while raising two small children, that ergo, all 'inner-city feminists' are selfish harridans who despise their offspring.

'We're just trying to keep our child alive': life with FPIES

We have a beautiful seven-month-old son, and his allergy rules our life.

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reactions to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

Metal shards hidden in playground

Pieces of sharp metal have been seemingly deliberately placed in rubber matting and across equipment at a kids' playground.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.