Jump to content

Do you give your friends an honest opinion when they meet a new partner?


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:37 AM

I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

Edited by peach*face, 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM.


#2 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#3 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#4 Ninja Lemur

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:41 AM

I wouldn't say I didn't like him but I might bring up any behaviour that worried me.

#5 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:46 AM

I have told a friend what I thought of her new partner.

At that point in time she didn't like it & cut off contact with me, two months later she rang me & apologised for her behaviour, as she finally saw him for the person I did.

He was so controlling & demanding it was scary.

Funny enough it actually strengthened our friendship because she realised I was simply trying to protect her.

#6 CountryFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:47 AM

My friend was shocked when her horrific husband left her to discover how much we all hated him, and how much of the controlling, psychologically abusive behaviour we had witnessed.

After that we all made a pact to SAY SOMETHING!  Middle class politeness can be a curse.

Your friend needs to be told.  

Take the 'praise, praise, criticism, praise' approach and tread carefully.  Don't totally slag him off, otherwise you are going to create a Romeo and Juliet mindset (us against the world!)

Find (however difficult it is) positive things to say about him to bookend the problem behaviours.

Give examples (even if they are from fictional people you make up) of other relationships with the same problems.

She might get upset - and if she does don't YOU get upset back, you will need the door to be open for when she needs you when it all gets worse.

But say something.

#7 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:54 AM

Thank you thank you thank you! Praise, praise, criticism, praise, that sounds sensible. Combined with "I" messages too I think I will try that.

She hasn't asked for opinions from me directly.

but She has asked me what my partner thought when he met him. That was awkward. Had it been an old friend I would have no trouble saying what we all know. But I don't have that level of comfort yet, its still a pretty new friendship (even though I value her very much as a friend).

#8 Cranky Kitten

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM

One of my girlfriends had a new partner I rather disliked and didn't like the way he treated her - I organised a girly catch up for a chance to talk to her without him around. During the catch up I asked her how things were going with Partner, she tried to reassure me that things were fine but said "you don't like him do you?" - I was honest with her about why but said I'd still be there for her as her friend.



#9 WibbleWobble

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:03 AM

Please tell her. It is up to her if she takes what you say on board or not.

My friend was in a relationship like your friend, even though she knew none of us liked him she hung in there for years not thinking she could do better.

Thankfully she finally came to her senses and it was only then, like a pp said, that she realized to the extent he was so disliked by everyone and sadly how badly he had treated her children over the years.

#10 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:00 PM

QUOTE (peach*face @ 11/12/2012, 09:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

If asked, I have said that the person they are seeing is not who I would have pictured them with.  I have also brought up the fact that their patterns/behaviors/habits have changed and is she happy with the level of change happening (sometimes happening so quickly).  Gives them something to think about.

Ultimately, their relationship, their decision.  There are ways of indicating you have concerns without directly saying that you think their partner is a tosser.  You never know, they could end up being together for 56 years and she might be as happy as a pig in mud.

I don't like the partners for 2 of my friends.  But they think they have hit the jackpot.  Nothing I can say will change that (both of them have been with these guys for over 10 years now).  If they are happy, that's all that matters.  And if it ever busts up, I'm here for a friend.

#11 rosie28

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:11 PM

I wish I had with one of my closest friends - she endured three years of hell, him going to prison on child molestation charges, him controlling her every move (even from prison), financial ruin and emotional turmoil before she could see him for the [insert VERY expressive word here] he was and is.

I will never stay silent again, I regret it every day.

#12 netballgirls

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:39 AM

yes, when we were teenagers I told one of my good friends that her bf was an ass hole.  Needless to say we didn't see each other any more after that.  

They got married after a few years and then divorced - I think that she would agree with me now.

#13 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:47 AM

In the situation you've described, yes, I'd say something. Too many alarm bells ringing.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

How I learnt to relax about routines

After many routine-led, tough years, we've realised that being parenting isn't about being perfect. It isn't about following a schedule to a T.

Should you have a third child or not?

I thought our family had been complete with our two boys. I had no idea how much I needed my daughter until she was here.

Helping a toddler embrace an adopted sibling

A single parent by choice, I am preparing to adopt a second baby from Morocco. And I face a special challenge.

When pregnancy messes with your self-esteem

Pregnancy doesn't make all women feel beautiful. It certainly doesn't raise every woman's self-esteem.

Join us in The BIG nappy change

Introducing the new Coles Little Explorer Nappies! You can confidently rely on Coles Little Explorer nappies at each stage of your child's growth, so take the Big Nappy Change and try new Coles Little Explorer nappies for yourself!

Robbie Williams live tweets wife's labour

And the award for most patient woman in labour goes to ... Robbie Williams' wife, Ayda Field.

Vaccine ignorance is deadly and contagious

In the absence of credible, strong political leadership, paranoia about disease can go viral.

Parenting differently based on birth order

All children have unique personalities, but keeping birth order in mind could help when parenting.

How to get rid of the mum guilt

Motherhood and guilt seem to go hand in hand, but there are ways to focus

Paid parental leave scheme grinds to a halt

The future of Prime Minister Tony Abbott's paid parental leave scheme appears to be up in the air, despite the fact it is due to begin in less than nine months.

The devastation of foetal alcohol spectrum disorders

No one's sure how many Australians are affected by foetal alcohol spectrum disorders, but the consequences for those who are can be devastating.

The pros and cons of finding out the sex of your unborn baby

It’s often one of the biggest choices parents make during the course of their pregnancy; to find out, or not to find out, the sex of their baby before it’s born.

Toddler's awesome dress up month

Two-year-old Willow and her photographer mum, Gina Lee, made October "Dress Up Willow Month". She posted photos of Willow's costumes on her Instagram account, and her creative takes on popular culture are simply adorable.

Childhood around the world

It can be easy to assume our ideas around childhood are universal, but they are particular to where we live, as these practices show.

Best picks for baby and toddler shoes

Here's a great selection of footwear from pre-walker to walker ensuring comfort and style for growing feet.

I lost my wife and daughters to Ebola - then it came for my son

Sunday, September 21, is a day I will never forget.

The 'yucky' illness that took over my life

I have a chronic illness nobody likes to discuss. It involves toilet talk, and probably caused my miscarriage. But it needs to be talked about.

Prenatal testing: the facts

Prenatal testing is done to check if a baby has certain medical conditions before birth. Here is some important information about what the tests are for and the risks involved.

5 things to do with your baby?s old clothes

Did you think your only option for your baby?s old clothes was to pack them away or give them to the Salvos? Think again.

Why it's possible to not realise you're pregnant until the baby arrives

After hearing about 'surprise babies' born to mums who didn't know they were pregnant, it's common to ask "how did she not realise?" But experts say it's entirely possible for it to happen.

'My miracle is finally here'

How has the world continued on its pace when mine has been altered so drastically?

Dairy can help older women fall pregnant: study

Ice cream may be the ultimate comfort food, but a study suggests it could also help older women to have children.

Megan Gale goes topless for 'sexiest people' cover

Six months after a heavily pregnant Megan Gale posed nude for Marie Claire, the glowing new mum has gone topless for the cover of another magazine.

A new perspective on life from living with two diseases

A mother shares her personal story about the difficulty of living with two conditions, one of which stops her from being able to see her daughter's face.

Warning about Children's Panadol dosage

The Therapeutic Goods Administration has issued a safety advisory warning parents about confusion when using the dosing syringe supplied with Children's Panadol.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Take 'The Coles Big Nappy Change' Challenge

You could become part of our Test Drive team and win one of 200 packs of Coles Little Explorer Nappies as part of our 5-day challenge.

Win 1 of 5 Canon Powershot D30 cameras

Capture life more easily with the Canon Powershot D30. Shockproof, waterproof and dustproof, you can take it almost anywhere and shoot beautiful images, time after time. Enter now!

16 parenting truths you won't find in the baby books

I am five years into this parenting gig and I’ve learnt that sleepless nights and changing dirty nappies are child’s play.

Best and worst potty party cakes

It's nice to celebrate a child making the shift from nappies to 'big kid' undies, but do we really need a semi-realistic used toilet cake to do it? Here are some of the best and worst cakes parents have used at 'potty parties' around the world.

7 tips for a financially festive Christmas

Plan ahead - and do it now - to ensure festive season expenses don't break the bank.

'Go the F*** to Sleep' author's new book for frustrated parents

A sequel is coming soon to the 2011 hit book 'Go the F*** to Sleep' - and this time, it's about mealtimes.

Great birthday party buys from Etsy

Handmade crafts to decorate and personalise your child's next birthday - from banners to cake decorations, we've got gorgeous party finds from Etsy.

Join us in The BIG nappy change

Introducing the new Coles Little Explorer Nappies! You can confidently rely on Coles Little Explorer nappies at each stage of your child's growth, so take the Big Nappy Change and try new Coles Little Explorer nappies for yourself!

Creative storage ideas for the kids' rooms

Creative and practical storage ideas for the kids' toys and books can also add some stylish decor to your home. Visit babyology.com.au for more stylish modern finds for hip kids & parents.

Weird trend

Couple has five babies in 14 months

Julie and David Grygla weren't sure they'd ever have kids - but their dreams have now well and truly come true.

To the mum in the doctor's waiting room

Maybe the mum I saw in that waiting room, seemingly disconnected from her baby, doesn’t have the support she needs.

10 space-saving nursery ideas

Starting a family doesn't always mean moving into a bigger house - not yet, anyway.

 

What's in a name?

Baby Names

Looking for a classic name, or an unusual name? Our Baby Name Finder is for you, search or browse to refine your shortlist.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.