Jump to content

Do you give your friends an honest opinion when they meet a new partner?


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:37 AM

I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

Edited by peach*face, 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM.


#2 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#3 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#4 Ninja Lemur

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:41 AM

I wouldn't say I didn't like him but I might bring up any behaviour that worried me.

#5 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:46 AM

I have told a friend what I thought of her new partner.

At that point in time she didn't like it & cut off contact with me, two months later she rang me & apologised for her behaviour, as she finally saw him for the person I did.

He was so controlling & demanding it was scary.

Funny enough it actually strengthened our friendship because she realised I was simply trying to protect her.

#6 CountryFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:47 AM

My friend was shocked when her horrific husband left her to discover how much we all hated him, and how much of the controlling, psychologically abusive behaviour we had witnessed.

After that we all made a pact to SAY SOMETHING!  Middle class politeness can be a curse.

Your friend needs to be told.  

Take the 'praise, praise, criticism, praise' approach and tread carefully.  Don't totally slag him off, otherwise you are going to create a Romeo and Juliet mindset (us against the world!)

Find (however difficult it is) positive things to say about him to bookend the problem behaviours.

Give examples (even if they are from fictional people you make up) of other relationships with the same problems.

She might get upset - and if she does don't YOU get upset back, you will need the door to be open for when she needs you when it all gets worse.

But say something.

#7 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:54 AM

Thank you thank you thank you! Praise, praise, criticism, praise, that sounds sensible. Combined with "I" messages too I think I will try that.

She hasn't asked for opinions from me directly.

but She has asked me what my partner thought when he met him. That was awkward. Had it been an old friend I would have no trouble saying what we all know. But I don't have that level of comfort yet, its still a pretty new friendship (even though I value her very much as a friend).

#8 Cranky Kitten

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM

One of my girlfriends had a new partner I rather disliked and didn't like the way he treated her - I organised a girly catch up for a chance to talk to her without him around. During the catch up I asked her how things were going with Partner, she tried to reassure me that things were fine but said "you don't like him do you?" - I was honest with her about why but said I'd still be there for her as her friend.



#9 WibbleWobble

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:03 AM

Please tell her. It is up to her if she takes what you say on board or not.

My friend was in a relationship like your friend, even though she knew none of us liked him she hung in there for years not thinking she could do better.

Thankfully she finally came to her senses and it was only then, like a pp said, that she realized to the extent he was so disliked by everyone and sadly how badly he had treated her children over the years.

#10 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:00 PM

QUOTE (peach*face @ 11/12/2012, 09:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

If asked, I have said that the person they are seeing is not who I would have pictured them with.  I have also brought up the fact that their patterns/behaviors/habits have changed and is she happy with the level of change happening (sometimes happening so quickly).  Gives them something to think about.

Ultimately, their relationship, their decision.  There are ways of indicating you have concerns without directly saying that you think their partner is a tosser.  You never know, they could end up being together for 56 years and she might be as happy as a pig in mud.

I don't like the partners for 2 of my friends.  But they think they have hit the jackpot.  Nothing I can say will change that (both of them have been with these guys for over 10 years now).  If they are happy, that's all that matters.  And if it ever busts up, I'm here for a friend.

#11 rosie28

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:11 PM

I wish I had with one of my closest friends - she endured three years of hell, him going to prison on child molestation charges, him controlling her every move (even from prison), financial ruin and emotional turmoil before she could see him for the [insert VERY expressive word here] he was and is.

I will never stay silent again, I regret it every day.

#12 netballgirls

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:39 AM

yes, when we were teenagers I told one of my good friends that her bf was an ass hole.  Needless to say we didn't see each other any more after that.  

They got married after a few years and then divorced - I think that she would agree with me now.

#13 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:47 AM

In the situation you've described, yes, I'd say something. Too many alarm bells ringing.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Trying to speed up the inevitable

As the waiting game of late pregnancy continues, this mum considers a few things that might hurry things up a little.

One month later: where is William Tyrell?

It has been a little over a month since William Tyrell disappeared from his grandmother's home, 33 long sleepless nights for his family as they mourn the absence of their cheeky young boy.

Winter's child less likely to be moody: study

Babies born in the summer are much more likely to suffer from mood swings when they grow up, while those born in the winter are less likely to become irritable adults, scientists claim.

Single mum of two creates award-winning baby app

Suddenly single with a baby and an 11-year-old son, Tara O?Connell developed an app to improve the lives of mothers who were similarly overwhelmed.

Food for thought: looking after yourself as a new mum

As soon as your baby enters the world, everything else takes a back seat - even the necessities of daily life such as eating are severely compromised, right when you need energy the most.

'Grabbable guts' campaign aims to cut toxic fat

The Live Lighter campaign will take people inside the human body to show the internal dangers of being overweight.

The best and worst month of my life

A new mum's first month of motherhood didn't pan out as expected when she lost a family member weeks after her baby's birth.

Facebook and Apple offer to pay female staff to freeze their eggs

Facebook and Apple are hoping to provide women with the freedom to build their careers without the added pressure of having children at or by a certain age.

How a pregnancy contract could work for you and your partner

The idea of making a 'pregnancy contract' with your partner may sound a bit silly at first, but it can help make the transition to parenthood a lot smoother.

Finding a mum-friendly personal trainer

Burping babies vs burpees – yes, new mums and personal trainers live in different worlds. But they can work together - once you find the right match for you and your lifestyle.

Ambulance service under fire: baby seats to go, response times 'worse than ever'

The NSW Ambulance Service is removing child-safety seats from ambulances, while the Victorian service is facing criticism over lengthy response times following the death of a three-year-old.

Alleged baby snatch incident a ?misunderstanding?, say police

Police say that an incident in which a man pulled on a woman?s pram while walking a popular Sydney route late last month was a misunderstanding.

Ebola killed my aunt and is shutting down my country

Three weeks ago, my auntie, a midwife, developed a fever. Sitting here in Sydney basked in Australian sunshine, that shouldn't be big news.

The night my ovary burst

One mum shares her frightening experience and vows to never take her health for granted again.

Is e-reading to your toddler story time or just screen time?

When reading increasingly means swiping pages on a device, and we're advised to read to their children early and often, should parents be turning to e-readers for storytime?

Community mourns inspiring young dad

A young dad who fought a five-year battle with cancer has been remembered for his inspiring legacy at a funeral service attended by hundreds of family and friends this week.

Meningococcal kills Queensland toddler

Public health authorities say the death of a toddler in north Queensland from meningococcal disease highlights the danger the illness poses.

Nicole Kidman: 'I hope every month that I'm pregnant'

Nicole Kidman is hoping to add to her family, but says she's doubtful it will happen.

Recall: Aldi Wooden London Bus play set

Aldi has announced a recall of their popular Wooden London Bus play set.

Great gift ideas for first birthdays

From soft toys to balance bikes, here are some great ideas for first birthday gifts.

Mum learnt she was pregnant hours before giving birth

Kim Walsh arrived at the doctor with abdominal cramps. Hours later, she was cradling the baby experts told her she could never have.

How cancer has made me a better, happier person

I'm a far better person post-cancer than I ever was before. The goal now is to stay around long enough to find out who I can become, and what I can achieve.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

16 parenting truths you won't find in the baby books

I am five years into this parenting gig and I’ve learnt that sleepless nights and changing dirty nappies are child’s play.

Win 1 of 5 Canon Powershot D30 cameras

Capture life more easily with the Canon Powershot D30. Shockproof, waterproof and dustproof, you can take it almost anywhere and shoot beautiful images, time after time. Enter now!

Best and worst potty party cakes

It's nice to celebrate a child making the shift from nappies to 'big kid' undies, but do we really need a semi-realistic used toilet cake to do it? Here are some of the best and worst cakes parents have used at 'potty parties' around the world.

7 tips for a financially festive Christmas

Plan ahead - and do it now - to ensure festive season expenses don't break the bank.

'Go the F*** to Sleep' author's new book for frustrated parents

A sequel is coming soon to the 2011 hit book 'Go the F*** to Sleep' - and this time, it's about mealtimes.

Great birthday party buys from Etsy

Handmade crafts to decorate and personalise your child's next birthday - from banners to cake decorations, we've got gorgeous party finds from Etsy.

Creative storage ideas for the kids' rooms

Creative and practical storage ideas for the kids' toys and books can also add some stylish decor to your home. Visit babyology.com.au for more stylish modern finds for hip kids & parents.

Warnings over child pain relief doses

The Therapeutic Goods Administration has warned parents and carers over a "confusing" pain relief dosage system.

To the mum in the doctor's waiting room

Maybe the mum I saw in that waiting room, seemingly disconnected from her baby, doesn’t have the support she needs.

10 space-saving nursery ideas

Starting a family doesn't always mean moving into a bigger house - not yet, anyway.

 

What's in a name?

Baby Names

Looking for a classic name, or an unusual name? Our Baby Name Finder is for you, search or browse to refine your shortlist.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.