Jump to content

Do you give your friends an honest opinion when they meet a new partner?


  • Please log in to reply
13 replies to this topic

#1 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:37 AM

I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

Edited by peach*face, 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM.


#2 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#3 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#4 Crafty Lemur

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:41 AM

I wouldn't say I didn't like him but I might bring up any behaviour that worried me.

#5 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:46 AM

I have told a friend what I thought of her new partner.

At that point in time she didn't like it & cut off contact with me, two months later she rang me & apologised for her behaviour, as she finally saw him for the person I did.

He was so controlling & demanding it was scary.

Funny enough it actually strengthened our friendship because she realised I was simply trying to protect her.

#6 countrymel

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:47 AM

My friend was shocked when her horrific husband left her to discover how much we all hated him, and how much of the controlling, psychologically abusive behaviour we had witnessed.

After that we all made a pact to SAY SOMETHING!  Middle class politeness can be a curse.

Your friend needs to be told.  

Take the 'praise, praise, criticism, praise' approach and tread carefully.  Don't totally slag him off, otherwise you are going to create a Romeo and Juliet mindset (us against the world!)

Find (however difficult it is) positive things to say about him to bookend the problem behaviours.

Give examples (even if they are from fictional people you make up) of other relationships with the same problems.

She might get upset - and if she does don't YOU get upset back, you will need the door to be open for when she needs you when it all gets worse.

But say something.

#7 Great Dame

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:50 AM

In your case OP, I think I would say something.  It probably won't do any good but maybe she's having some doubts herself and needs to hear it from someone else.

#8 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:54 AM

Thank you thank you thank you! Praise, praise, criticism, praise, that sounds sensible. Combined with "I" messages too I think I will try that.

She hasn't asked for opinions from me directly.

but She has asked me what my partner thought when he met him. That was awkward. Had it been an old friend I would have no trouble saying what we all know. But I don't have that level of comfort yet, its still a pretty new friendship (even though I value her very much as a friend).

#9 Cranky Kitten

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM

One of my girlfriends had a new partner I rather disliked and didn't like the way he treated her - I organised a girly catch up for a chance to talk to her without him around. During the catch up I asked her how things were going with Partner, she tried to reassure me that things were fine but said "you don't like him do you?" - I was honest with her about why but said I'd still be there for her as her friend.



#10 WibbleWobble

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:03 AM

Please tell her. It is up to her if she takes what you say on board or not.

My friend was in a relationship like your friend, even though she knew none of us liked him she hung in there for years not thinking she could do better.

Thankfully she finally came to her senses and it was only then, like a pp said, that she realized to the extent he was so disliked by everyone and sadly how badly he had treated her children over the years.

#11 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:00 PM

QUOTE (peach*face @ 11/12/2012, 09:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

If asked, I have said that the person they are seeing is not who I would have pictured them with.  I have also brought up the fact that their patterns/behaviors/habits have changed and is she happy with the level of change happening (sometimes happening so quickly).  Gives them something to think about.

Ultimately, their relationship, their decision.  There are ways of indicating you have concerns without directly saying that you think their partner is a tosser.  You never know, they could end up being together for 56 years and she might be as happy as a pig in mud.

I don't like the partners for 2 of my friends.  But they think they have hit the jackpot.  Nothing I can say will change that (both of them have been with these guys for over 10 years now).  If they are happy, that's all that matters.  And if it ever busts up, I'm here for a friend.

#12 rosie28

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:11 PM

I wish I had with one of my closest friends - she endured three years of hell, him going to prison on child molestation charges, him controlling her every move (even from prison), financial ruin and emotional turmoil before she could see him for the [insert VERY expressive word here] he was and is.

I will never stay silent again, I regret it every day.

#13 netballgirls

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:39 AM

yes, when we were teenagers I told one of my good friends that her bf was an ass hole.  Needless to say we didn't see each other any more after that.  

They got married after a few years and then divorced - I think that she would agree with me now.

#14 Swahili

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:47 AM

In the situation you've described, yes, I'd say something. Too many alarm bells ringing.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Life with anxiety

At times, I feel pretty worthless. In those moments, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and hide in the dark. I can try to quiet my mind, but it won?t shut up.

IVF leaves woman pregnant with another couple's twins

An Italian woman has been told the twins she is three months pregnant with are not hers.

'My mother-in-law found out our baby's gender behind our backs'

My husband and I mutually decided that we didn?t want to know our baby's sex before the birth, but his mother couldn't handle that.

What you need for the 'fourth trimester'

In my opinion, the first three months after the birth are the most intense. Here's what got me through that time after welcoming my baby.

Weaning a toddler off a dummy: a 15-day plan

Weaning your child off the dummy can be a traumatic experience for both of you. Here are some tips to help you through.

Choosing to be a solo parent

Two women share their stories of longing for a baby so much that they each decided not to wait for a partner before becoming a mum.

Asphyxia link another piece of the SIDS puzzle

An Australian study has uncovered information which could lead to a better understanding of why babies die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Rescue dog Zoey and BFF Jasper star in adorable pics

Photographer, self-professed "crazy dog lady" and mum Grace Chon takes photos of rescue dog Zoey and her 10-month-old son Jasper together. The results are just too cute. See more on Instagram @thegracechon.

The ultimate travel stroller: the Mountain Buggy nano

We tried the Mountain Buggy nano and give it an enthusiastic thumbs up. As the ultimate travel stroller, it's practical, has great features, and looks fab, too.

Mum's heartbreak as son dies in road accident

Daly Thomas and her two young sons were walking home from church on Tuesday afternoon. Her youngest son never made it.

New Kate Spade baby bag designs

Don?t adjust your screen: this bright beauty is coming to you in full colour.

Easter gifts for babies, no chocolate in sight!

If this is your little one?s first Easter you might want to mark the occasion with something a little extra special. Here are 10 Easter gift ideas, which won't harm little teeth.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win the brand new phil&teds vibe

Check out the good looking new release of the Vibe 3 and the Verve 4-wheeler inline strollers. To celebrate their release, we have a Vibe with double kit to give away.

Baby sleep

From birth to one year and beyond, read about baby sleep, soothing techniques, routines, and sleep school experiences.

Easter gifts for babies, no chocolate in sight!

If this is your little one?s first Easter you might want to mark the occasion with something a little extra special. Here are 10 Easter gift ideas, which won't harm little teeth.

7 tips for a kid-free trip, not a guilt trip

Although I?m jumping out of my skin to take my child-free holiday, I?m dreading the goodbye. But I?m determined to make the most of it without tarnishing it with guilt or sadness about leaving the kids.

Itchibubs: clothes for babies and toddlers with eczema

Parents of children who suffer from eczema will know only too well the scratching that occurs around the clock. A new clothing range aims to help make everyone more comfortable.

Ear piercing: what age is best?

What is it that shapes our opinions on what?s an 'appropriate' age for our children to get their ears pierced? Parents share their views on how young is too young when it comes to piercing.

Caring for kids helps grandmothers stay mentally alert

Looking after grandchildren can help grandmothers ward off brain disease - but it's also possible to get too much of a good thing, researchers say.

Why I loved my third home water birth

After two water births at home, I was determined to give birth to my son the same way. I just hoped this birth would be quicker than my last two.

Revealed: 7 ways food marketers try to trick consumers

If you?re confused by food labels, you?re not alone. Next time you?re shopping for food, look out for these seven common labelling tricks.

'My mother-in-law found out our baby's gender behind our backs'

My husband and I mutually decided that we didn?t want to know our baby's sex before the birth, but his mother couldn't handle that.

 

Free Printable Activities

Keeping little hands busy

Free printable acitivity pages like colouring in, cutting, word finders, mazes, maths activities and puzzles.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.