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Do you give your friends an honest opinion when they meet a new partner?


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#1 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:37 AM

I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

Edited by peach*face, 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM.


#2 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#3 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:40 AM

Hmm it depends. Are they asking opinions?

A friend of mine has recently started "seeing" a guy that does not seem interested at all (disappears for days, doesn't contact her, then says they will have to catch up "soon" but life is so busy so it will have to be "after Christmas" - sorry, he's just not that into you!)

And I've gently said that perhaps he isn't all that keen, but that was when she asked what I thought.

Other than that I tend to keep opinions to myself unless specifically asked.

#4 Feral Lemur

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:41 AM

I wouldn't say I didn't like him but I might bring up any behaviour that worried me.

#5 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:46 AM

I have told a friend what I thought of her new partner.

At that point in time she didn't like it & cut off contact with me, two months later she rang me & apologised for her behaviour, as she finally saw him for the person I did.

He was so controlling & demanding it was scary.

Funny enough it actually strengthened our friendship because she realised I was simply trying to protect her.

#6 CountryFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:47 AM

My friend was shocked when her horrific husband left her to discover how much we all hated him, and how much of the controlling, psychologically abusive behaviour we had witnessed.

After that we all made a pact to SAY SOMETHING!  Middle class politeness can be a curse.

Your friend needs to be told.  

Take the 'praise, praise, criticism, praise' approach and tread carefully.  Don't totally slag him off, otherwise you are going to create a Romeo and Juliet mindset (us against the world!)

Find (however difficult it is) positive things to say about him to bookend the problem behaviours.

Give examples (even if they are from fictional people you make up) of other relationships with the same problems.

She might get upset - and if she does don't YOU get upset back, you will need the door to be open for when she needs you when it all gets worse.

But say something.

#7 Cat People

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:50 AM

In your case OP, I think I would say something.  It probably won't do any good but maybe she's having some doubts herself and needs to hear it from someone else.

#8 peach*face

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:54 AM

Thank you thank you thank you! Praise, praise, criticism, praise, that sounds sensible. Combined with "I" messages too I think I will try that.

She hasn't asked for opinions from me directly.

but She has asked me what my partner thought when he met him. That was awkward. Had it been an old friend I would have no trouble saying what we all know. But I don't have that level of comfort yet, its still a pretty new friendship (even though I value her very much as a friend).

#9 Cranky Kitten

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:55 AM

One of my girlfriends had a new partner I rather disliked and didn't like the way he treated her - I organised a girly catch up for a chance to talk to her without him around. During the catch up I asked her how things were going with Partner, she tried to reassure me that things were fine but said "you don't like him do you?" - I was honest with her about why but said I'd still be there for her as her friend.



#10 Feral WibbleWobble

Posted 11 December 2012 - 10:03 AM

Please tell her. It is up to her if she takes what you say on board or not.

My friend was in a relationship like your friend, even though she knew none of us liked him she hung in there for years not thinking she could do better.

Thankfully she finally came to her senses and it was only then, like a pp said, that she realized to the extent he was so disliked by everyone and sadly how badly he had treated her children over the years.

#11 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:00 PM

QUOTE (peach*face @ 11/12/2012, 09:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have good friend I've known for a couple of years who has met someone who is possessive, demanding and quite abrasive. She is very intelligent but has low self esteem when it comes to men. He is over the top with PDA to the point of causing discomfort in others who are present, he insists on going everywhere with her and will even take the day off work to do so. He now wants to quit his job and live with her. Overall he is insecure, rude and possessive and I know of two of her other friends who are equally as worried but we are hesitant to say anything because she is quite sensitive and will no doubt be hurt.

Do you say something to her about it or leave it be? If so how would you approach the topic without hurting her?

If asked, I have said that the person they are seeing is not who I would have pictured them with.  I have also brought up the fact that their patterns/behaviors/habits have changed and is she happy with the level of change happening (sometimes happening so quickly).  Gives them something to think about.

Ultimately, their relationship, their decision.  There are ways of indicating you have concerns without directly saying that you think their partner is a tosser.  You never know, they could end up being together for 56 years and she might be as happy as a pig in mud.

I don't like the partners for 2 of my friends.  But they think they have hit the jackpot.  Nothing I can say will change that (both of them have been with these guys for over 10 years now).  If they are happy, that's all that matters.  And if it ever busts up, I'm here for a friend.

#12 rosie28

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:11 PM

I wish I had with one of my closest friends - she endured three years of hell, him going to prison on child molestation charges, him controlling her every move (even from prison), financial ruin and emotional turmoil before she could see him for the [insert VERY expressive word here] he was and is.

I will never stay silent again, I regret it every day.

#13 netballgirls

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:39 AM

yes, when we were teenagers I told one of my good friends that her bf was an ass hole.  Needless to say we didn't see each other any more after that.  

They got married after a few years and then divorced - I think that she would agree with me now.

#14 FeralProudSwahili

Posted 16 December 2012 - 08:47 AM

In the situation you've described, yes, I'd say something. Too many alarm bells ringing.




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