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Why do men regress to being boys and how do I help DH in this situation.


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10 replies to this topic

#1 Ally'smum

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:43 AM

.

Edited by loggedin, 12 December 2012 - 09:26 AM.


#2 *LucyE*

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:43 PM

Why do men regress to being boys?
Not all of them do.

Has anyone else had these issues?
No and I don't think that's normal or acceptable

Should he go back to thecounsellor?
Probably.

What do we do from here?
I don't know. That something for you two to work out.

#3 ellebelle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:49 PM

He obviously kept it largely under control in front of you prior to getting married, I guess to impress you, since the rest of his family say he has always done it, so he is capable of control when not taking you for granted. I'd be sending him back to counselling with a threat about taking a break. There's no way I would want my children to witness those outbursts - it would be very scary for them.

Edited by ellebelle, 11 December 2012 - 03:49 PM.


#4 MintyBiscuit

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:53 PM

He needs more counselling, specifically focussing on managing his anger and dealing with it appropriately. It could also be helpful for you to go together, not because you're the problem but because it could help you to learn how to help him. My DH had sessions to help anxiety earlier this year, and as I've gone through similar for myself I can gently remind him of what he needs to do if things are getting on top of him.

The extreme anger is not ok, especially in front of your child, amd I'd be telling him this and that counselling is a must

#5 niggles

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:14 PM

None of that is okay and you should make that very clear to him. It doesn't actually help him for you to tread on eggshells and may in fact enable his bad behaviour in the long run IMO by giving him a false sense of what is acceptable within a relationship. He needs real help and the best thing you can do for him is to encourage him simply and firmly to get it.

OP you might not be aware that there is a relationships forum on EB that is a little more private than WDYT, which is open to everyone including guest readers to view. Just thought I'd mention it in case you get any unhelpful replies and so you can go and read and see that while this isn't normal and healthy, you are certainly not alone.

All the best in getting the support you all need.

#6 WinterIsComing

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:29 PM

Abusive anger has nothing to do with regressing into boyhood. People abuse because it has benefits to them. In your example, you have become cautious around your H (I would not use the term DH for now), because your requests are met with angry outbursts. Swearing at you, punching walls is himself simply turning to abuse as a tool of control. So that you won't ask much.

I suggest reading "Why Does He Do It? Inside the mind of angry men."

Stop calling it tantrums, this is abuse.

#7 rainycat

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:43 PM

I dont think there is anything little boyish about abusing you and punching walls in front of your child ohmy.gif
I think him going back to the counsellor is the least he can do.  If that behaviour was ongoing, for me, it would be a deal breaker.

Good luck!

#8 Wraith

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:16 PM

So he screams at you over minor things such as "Can you please pick up your socks?", punches the wall in front of your child and then comes back five minutes later all sorry and lovey dovey?

Two words - Domestic Violence.

You walk on eggshells around him waiting for his next outburst.

QUOTE
What steps do we take now?

You leave and take your child. Do you want your child to be around this and learn that this is seemingly normal behaviour?

He can go to counselling all he likes. Until he recognises that he has a problem and going on this
QUOTE
doesn't have anyself control when he gets angry. He doesn't know how or want to stop himself,he can't see anything from anyone else's perspective. He yells at me, swears atme and punches the wall, all in front of our child.

he doesn't see this as a problem.

Why are you staying exactly?

And Tamm - much as I disagree with you over many a topic I'll ask you this - since when do you need to sacrifice your happiness and justify it with
QUOTE
I really am not in THAT bad a situation.

Why are YOU staying as well?

Edited by Beautiful Warlock, 11 December 2012 - 05:20 PM.


#9 gatheringpieces

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:24 PM

QUOTE (It'sallgood @ 11/12/2012, 09:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Beats me!! I wish I could answer that...I really do. It's complicated. It really is NOT as simple as EBers make it out to be.


Sorry OP for going off topic too, but I'm a bit stuck in a similar situation. I know our relationship is a mess and I have tried to convince him to go to counselling but he has zero interest.
Not entirely sure why I'm still here either? I think it's because I'm not great at changes. Makes it a bit hard.

Sorry I can't be any help to you sad.gif

#10 gatheringpieces

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:36 PM

Actually I do have one bit of advice after all. May or may not help you but it has helped me.
I have been going to counselling regularly myself (even though he is not interested) and I have found a bit more of a sense of self, as in I have a better idea of who I am and what I should and should not be accepting in my life. I may still be in this relationship but honestly I do feel like I have made progress.
Might be worth considering anyway.. Best of luck

#11 Ally'smum

Posted 12 December 2012 - 09:25 AM

Thank you everyone for the replies, I realised to a large extent I am kidding myself so we are going to see someone together.
I didn't realise it was so public so am deleting the opening post.




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