Jump to content

How to do with unwanted (bad) advice
PPL telling you the 'wrong' things are actually ok?


  • Please log in to reply
39 replies to this topic

#1 Winning

Posted 10 December 2012 - 11:56 PM

.

Edited by HoneyPumpkin, 04 January 2013 - 10:07 PM.


#2 Roselet

Posted 11 December 2012 - 12:25 AM

People are emotional about the decisions they made with their children, and tend to feel like you making different decisions is a slur on theirs. With older women I used to say "well they didn't know about the risks then, I'm sure you would have done things differently if you had known". With younger women (where they had the same information I had and chose not to be on the safe side) I would usually explain that due to my personal health problems I needed to be super careful - that way my choice is about me and enables them to make different choices without feeling like they are being less careful.

Truth is, same as we all feel like inadequate mothers sometimes, (at least every mother I know says they doubt themselves from time to time), we all worry that we didn't do things as well as we could have during pregnancy, so if someone else is doing it "better" there is a risk it will make us feel inadequate and then we overcompensate.

#3 rabbit hyde

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:21 AM

Just have a reply prepared and ready.  A simple "I've decided to err on the safe side of caution" is fairly unoffensive.

I find that people aren't so much concerned about choices you've made so much as they can tend to take your actions as a judgment on their own.  Regardless of whether you've intended this or not.


#4 ~buzz~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:56 AM

I just say pretty much what you have written that I am not comfortable about it and would rather be on the safe side.

Your body, your baby, your choice

#5 Preg_in_RSA

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:57 AM

I just say yes and then completely ignore everything they say - I hate confrontations.

#6 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:23 AM

Just dont engage, i get comments about food on occasion and i just smile and change the topic. Its not worth worrying about.

#7 Cacti

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:47 AM

I would say, "This is what I'm comfortable doing."

#8 Jo-Anna

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:58 AM

I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.




#9 MrsLexiK

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:07 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.

I agree! It irks me even more when the person is still TTCing and going on and on about. People you can have caffeine!

#10 Fr0g

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:07 AM

Same as I do receiving any unsolicited advice; smile, nod, ignore and move on.

I rarely try to defend my choices to those who obviously disagree.

#11 Chchgirl

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:20 AM

Yep ignore it, best thing! I found the older generation (such as parents etc) will say this more, but because they didn't know and also things were different.

It won't stop, everyone will throw in their two bob's worth, my oldest is nearly 15 and I still hear what they did differently (although I know it's not critiscm)..

I learned just to smile, nod and not worry!

#12 ~Winter~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:40 AM

I said the same thing to my husband last night. I'm dreading that part of it. I will do as suggested and say I'd rather be cautious. Better safe than sorry. Anecdata isn't proof to me.

#13 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:51 AM

As a PP said, just decline anything you don't wish to eat and if questioned say that you have just gone off lettuce  since becoming pregnant. This will be a learning experience for you as you will be judged on ALL decisions you make for the rest of your life once you have children.

#14 WithSprinkles

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:57 AM

While pregnant I was regularly told that I was being overly cautious or quizzed about why i wasnt eating the potato salad or having just a sip of champagne etc. I agree with PPs, people do take it as a personal attack on their own decisions.

I found that if I responded with something along the lines of "I'm a paranoid worrier so would prefer not to" then people wouldn't make any more comments (to my face anyway, I'm sure they may have called me paranoid behind my back but since I had already told them that I WAS paranoid I really didn't care!)

#15 Fright bat

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:00 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


This. It's actually fairly annoying to have someone bang on about how they're not doing something because they are pregnant, as if they are the first person in the history of the world to find themselves in such a state.

Don't want to et salad? Don't tell the person who has perhaps lovingly made it that you're don't trust their hygiene and you only eat salad made with leaves hand picked and hand washed by yourself. That's a douchey thing to do. Jus tell them you don't feel like any salad today, thanks, but it sure looks lovely. If you said that non-pregnant, no one would bat an eyelid. Why would you say anything otherwise?

Similarly, for the 'just one drink is ok, go on' people, again just say you don't feel like it. You don't have to spout unproven scientific facts at people to turn down a drink.

#16 Mozzie1

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:00 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


You were lucky. I have found when I am offered something, particularly at a work function, and I say 'no thanks', I get a barrage of questions. 'are you being funny about food now that you are pregnant' 'oh no, you are not on that stupid 'pregnancy diet' are you'  etc.... It's painful.

OP, my response is usually that everyone has to do what they are comfortable with. It doesn't always work, but eventually they will move on. I have also found that the worst offenders are those who aren't ready to have kids yet/don't want kids, as opposed to those with older kids.

#17 WithSprinkles

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:07 AM

QUOTE (Mozzie1 @ 11/12/2012, 08:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You were lucky. I have found when I am offered something, particularly at a work function, and I say 'no thanks', I get a barrage of questions. 'are you being funny about food now that you are pregnant' 'oh no, you are not on that stupid 'pregnancy diet' are you'  etc.... It's painful.


I also found this to be the case. Many people were not happy with a general answer of "I don't want it/don't feel like it/no thanks for the offer but I'm fine" etc. Funnily enough I never had a man quiz me further after saying no thanks, it was always a woman.

#18 Unatheowl

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:16 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


This.

If you turn up to a BBQ and start asking "who made the salad?  Did they wear gloves?  We're they drunk at the time?  Have they ever smoked?  Had they been near soft cheese in the last 12 months? Have they visited any farms in South America during the last 4 years?"  You are going to cop it from people.  Just go about your business eating what makes you feel comfortable.  You won't get any confrontation if you don't go looking for it.

If you do get anything particularly unsolicited and confronting like "are you just being silly because you're pregnant". Just say "yes, I'm too stupid to make my own decision so I tend to follow what my doctor has told me".  I keep this sort of response for any  of these situations.   It may be a little passive aggressive but it sure stops the comments and the person asking doesn't know what to do next original.gif

#19 SnazzyFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:42 AM

QUOTE (Roselet @ 11/12/2012, 01:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
People are emotional about the decisions they made with their children, and tend to feel like you making different decisions is a slur on theirs. With older women I used to say "well they didn't know about the risks then, I'm sure you would have done things differently if you had known". With younger women (where they had the same information I had and chose not to be on the safe side) I would usually explain that due to my personal health problems I needed to be super careful - that way my choice is about me and enables them to make different choices without feeling like they are being less careful.

Truth is, same as we all feel like inadequate mothers sometimes, (at least every mother I know says they doubt themselves from time to time), we all worry that we didn't do things as well as we could have during pregnancy, so if someone else is doing it "better" there is a risk it will make us feel inadequate and then we overcompensate.


I think that this is a well balanced answer that is worth repeating.

If people kept on banging on about it I just said that I had developed and aversion to eating whatever it was although I didn't take too much notice of the guidelines. I did genuinely have an aversion to chicken and minced meat. I did cop the precious label because I was worried about getting a sick. I would change carriages if someone was coughing and hand sanitiser became my best friend but that was because I knew someone whose baby had contracted a common cold in utero so it was to my mind completely reasonable and I didn't feel the need to defend myself.


#20 Sweet like a lemon

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:50 AM

Take in what you think is relevant and disregard the rest. I don't think that people sharing their own experiences is really unsolicited advice though. You really don't need any barriers in place to go "meh, good on you but that's not for me."


#21 ~polly~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:04 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.


This is so true.  When I was pg (even tho it was just for a couple of weeks) I went to a wedding, engagement and bday party.  I was worried it would be really obvious that I wasnt drinking (cos I do like my wine) but no one even noticed.  I didnt say 'oh Im only drinking mineral water today' I just drank it without comment.

#22 Phascogale

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:06 AM

With the food thing just say you've developed an aversion to the particular food since becoming pregnant and it makes you nauseous and you really don't want to throw up and ruin the party.  Including alcohol.

Or depending on the food you can say you're worried about the listeria risk and would rather not take the chance.

With the other stuff then I'd just listen to the advice, nod and disregard when they leave.  If they go on about it then say the current recommendations don't recommend what you are suggesting.  Things have changed since your children were little.

#23 Therese

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:16 AM

Just say this is what I choose to do and move on from it. Don't make a big deal about it and hopefully the other person will move on from it then.

#24 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:20 AM

QUOTE (Phascogale @ 11/12/2012, 08:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
With the food thing just say you've developed an aversion to the particular food since becoming pregnant and it makes you nauseous and you really don't want to throw up and ruin the party.  Including alcohol.


I noticed my SIL did this for her second pregnancy & our very opinionated in-laws didn't take the questioning any further.

#25 Ally'smum

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:22 AM

QUOTE (Therese @ 11/12/2012, 09:16 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just say this is what I choose to do and move on from it. Don't make a big deal about it and hopefully the other person will move on from it then.



This is what I did. No need to lie/justify/explain yourself.


I got really sick of the "I ate..." comments and felt it was people justifiying their own behaviour. I didn't care what risks other people were prepared to take and I wasn't interested in what they thought of me!




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Childcare Survey

Win a $100 Coles/Myers gift voucher by completing the 5 minute childcare survey.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Childcare Survey

Win a $100 Coles/Myers gift voucher by completing the 5 minute childcare survey.

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.