Jump to content

How to do with unwanted (bad) advice
PPL telling you the 'wrong' things are actually ok?


  • Please log in to reply
39 replies to this topic

#1 Winning

Posted 10 December 2012 - 11:56 PM

.

Edited by HoneyPumpkin, 04 January 2013 - 10:07 PM.


#2 Roselet

Posted 11 December 2012 - 12:25 AM

People are emotional about the decisions they made with their children, and tend to feel like you making different decisions is a slur on theirs. With older women I used to say "well they didn't know about the risks then, I'm sure you would have done things differently if you had known". With younger women (where they had the same information I had and chose not to be on the safe side) I would usually explain that due to my personal health problems I needed to be super careful - that way my choice is about me and enables them to make different choices without feeling like they are being less careful.

Truth is, same as we all feel like inadequate mothers sometimes, (at least every mother I know says they doubt themselves from time to time), we all worry that we didn't do things as well as we could have during pregnancy, so if someone else is doing it "better" there is a risk it will make us feel inadequate and then we overcompensate.

#3 rabbit hyde

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:21 AM

Just have a reply prepared and ready.  A simple "I've decided to err on the safe side of caution" is fairly unoffensive.

I find that people aren't so much concerned about choices you've made so much as they can tend to take your actions as a judgment on their own.  Regardless of whether you've intended this or not.


#4 ~buzz~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:56 AM

I just say pretty much what you have written that I am not comfortable about it and would rather be on the safe side.

Your body, your baby, your choice

#5 Preg_in_RSA

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:57 AM

I just say yes and then completely ignore everything they say - I hate confrontations.

#6 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:23 AM

Just dont engage, i get comments about food on occasion and i just smile and change the topic. Its not worth worrying about.

#7 Cacti

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:47 AM

I would say, "This is what I'm comfortable doing."

#8 Jo-Anna

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:58 AM

I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.




#9 MrsLexiK

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:07 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.

I agree! It irks me even more when the person is still TTCing and going on and on about. People you can have caffeine!

#10 Fr0g

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:07 AM

Same as I do receiving any unsolicited advice; smile, nod, ignore and move on.

I rarely try to defend my choices to those who obviously disagree.

#11 Chchgirl

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:20 AM

Yep ignore it, best thing! I found the older generation (such as parents etc) will say this more, but because they didn't know and also things were different.

It won't stop, everyone will throw in their two bob's worth, my oldest is nearly 15 and I still hear what they did differently (although I know it's not critiscm)..

I learned just to smile, nod and not worry!

#12 ~Winter~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:40 AM

I said the same thing to my husband last night. I'm dreading that part of it. I will do as suggested and say I'd rather be cautious. Better safe than sorry. Anecdata isn't proof to me.

#13 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:51 AM

As a PP said, just decline anything you don't wish to eat and if questioned say that you have just gone off lettuce  since becoming pregnant. This will be a learning experience for you as you will be judged on ALL decisions you make for the rest of your life once you have children.

#14 WithSprinkles

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:57 AM

While pregnant I was regularly told that I was being overly cautious or quizzed about why i wasnt eating the potato salad or having just a sip of champagne etc. I agree with PPs, people do take it as a personal attack on their own decisions.

I found that if I responded with something along the lines of "I'm a paranoid worrier so would prefer not to" then people wouldn't make any more comments (to my face anyway, I'm sure they may have called me paranoid behind my back but since I had already told them that I WAS paranoid I really didn't care!)

#15 Fright bat

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:00 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


This. It's actually fairly annoying to have someone bang on about how they're not doing something because they are pregnant, as if they are the first person in the history of the world to find themselves in such a state.

Don't want to et salad? Don't tell the person who has perhaps lovingly made it that you're don't trust their hygiene and you only eat salad made with leaves hand picked and hand washed by yourself. That's a douchey thing to do. Jus tell them you don't feel like any salad today, thanks, but it sure looks lovely. If you said that non-pregnant, no one would bat an eyelid. Why would you say anything otherwise?

Similarly, for the 'just one drink is ok, go on' people, again just say you don't feel like it. You don't have to spout unproven scientific facts at people to turn down a drink.

#16 Feral Mozzie

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:00 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


You were lucky. I have found when I am offered something, particularly at a work function, and I say 'no thanks', I get a barrage of questions. 'are you being funny about food now that you are pregnant' 'oh no, you are not on that stupid 'pregnancy diet' are you'  etc.... It's painful.

OP, my response is usually that everyone has to do what they are comfortable with. It doesn't always work, but eventually they will move on. I have also found that the worst offenders are those who aren't ready to have kids yet/don't want kids, as opposed to those with older kids.

#17 WithSprinkles

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:07 AM

QUOTE (Mozzie1 @ 11/12/2012, 08:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You were lucky. I have found when I am offered something, particularly at a work function, and I say 'no thanks', I get a barrage of questions. 'are you being funny about food now that you are pregnant' 'oh no, you are not on that stupid 'pregnancy diet' are you'  etc.... It's painful.


I also found this to be the case. Many people were not happy with a general answer of "I don't want it/don't feel like it/no thanks for the offer but I'm fine" etc. Funnily enough I never had a man quiz me further after saying no thanks, it was always a woman.

#18 Unatheowl

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:16 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


This.

If you turn up to a BBQ and start asking "who made the salad?  Did they wear gloves?  We're they drunk at the time?  Have they ever smoked?  Had they been near soft cheese in the last 12 months? Have they visited any farms in South America during the last 4 years?"  You are going to cop it from people.  Just go about your business eating what makes you feel comfortable.  You won't get any confrontation if you don't go looking for it.

If you do get anything particularly unsolicited and confronting like "are you just being silly because you're pregnant". Just say "yes, I'm too stupid to make my own decision so I tend to follow what my doctor has told me".  I keep this sort of response for any  of these situations.   It may be a little passive aggressive but it sure stops the comments and the person asking doesn't know what to do next original.gif

#19 SnazzyFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:42 AM

QUOTE (Roselet @ 11/12/2012, 01:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
People are emotional about the decisions they made with their children, and tend to feel like you making different decisions is a slur on theirs. With older women I used to say "well they didn't know about the risks then, I'm sure you would have done things differently if you had known". With younger women (where they had the same information I had and chose not to be on the safe side) I would usually explain that due to my personal health problems I needed to be super careful - that way my choice is about me and enables them to make different choices without feeling like they are being less careful.

Truth is, same as we all feel like inadequate mothers sometimes, (at least every mother I know says they doubt themselves from time to time), we all worry that we didn't do things as well as we could have during pregnancy, so if someone else is doing it "better" there is a risk it will make us feel inadequate and then we overcompensate.


I think that this is a well balanced answer that is worth repeating.

If people kept on banging on about it I just said that I had developed and aversion to eating whatever it was although I didn't take too much notice of the guidelines. I did genuinely have an aversion to chicken and minced meat. I did cop the precious label because I was worried about getting a sick. I would change carriages if someone was coughing and hand sanitiser became my best friend but that was because I knew someone whose baby had contracted a common cold in utero so it was to my mind completely reasonable and I didn't feel the need to defend myself.


#20 Sweet like a lemon

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:50 AM

Take in what you think is relevant and disregard the rest. I don't think that people sharing their own experiences is really unsolicited advice though. You really don't need any barriers in place to go "meh, good on you but that's not for me."


#21 ~polly~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:04 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.


This is so true.  When I was pg (even tho it was just for a couple of weeks) I went to a wedding, engagement and bday party.  I was worried it would be really obvious that I wasnt drinking (cos I do like my wine) but no one even noticed.  I didnt say 'oh Im only drinking mineral water today' I just drank it without comment.

#22 Phascogale

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:06 AM

With the food thing just say you've developed an aversion to the particular food since becoming pregnant and it makes you nauseous and you really don't want to throw up and ruin the party.  Including alcohol.

Or depending on the food you can say you're worried about the listeria risk and would rather not take the chance.

With the other stuff then I'd just listen to the advice, nod and disregard when they leave.  If they go on about it then say the current recommendations don't recommend what you are suggesting.  Things have changed since your children were little.

#23 Therese

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:16 AM

Just say this is what I choose to do and move on from it. Don't make a big deal about it and hopefully the other person will move on from it then.

#24 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:20 AM

QUOTE (Phascogale @ 11/12/2012, 08:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
With the food thing just say you've developed an aversion to the particular food since becoming pregnant and it makes you nauseous and you really don't want to throw up and ruin the party.  Including alcohol.


I noticed my SIL did this for her second pregnancy & our very opinionated in-laws didn't take the questioning any further.

#25 Ally'smum

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:22 AM

QUOTE (Therese @ 11/12/2012, 09:16 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just say this is what I choose to do and move on from it. Don't make a big deal about it and hopefully the other person will move on from it then.



This is what I did. No need to lie/justify/explain yourself.


I got really sick of the "I ate..." comments and felt it was people justifiying their own behaviour. I didn't care what risks other people were prepared to take and I wasn't interested in what they thought of me!




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special Ticket Offer, Save $8!

The Essential Baby & Toddler Show is back this April! Save $8 off the door price for a limited time only!

Why I breastfed my son until he was three

The fact that I not only breastfed my son, but breastfed him for three and a half years, seems pretty incredible in retrospect.

Do babies and young children see ghosts?

Do babies and young children see ghosts? If you’ve pondered the question, you’re not alone.

15 years with Essential Baby: meet Therese

"Life has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it the most."

Mum causes a stir by taking a stand against leggings

A mum has found herself the subject of debate after claiming tight bottoms cause lustful thoughts in men.

Don't set a parenting goal for 2015 - do this instead

The problem with goal setting as a parent is the measure. How do we really know if we’re succeeding?

5 pregnancy myths that just won't go away

When you're expecting, it often seems like everyone is keen to offer advice about what you should and shouldn't do in the interests of your health and wellbeing.

RPA hospital contacting mums after discovering vaccine storage fault

Sydney's Royal Prince Alfred Hospital (RPA) is trying to contact women who had babies at the facility after discovering a fault in a refrigerator containing vaccines.

'Nutella' not a baby name, French court says

A French court has blocked parents from naming their baby girl after the hazelnut spread Nutella, arguing it would make her the target of mockery.

Why I'm never calling myself 'just a mum' again

I’ve grown three human beings. I feed them, dress them, teach them, care for them and love them 24 hours a day. Yet for eight years, when I meet new people and they’ve asked me what I do, I tell them: “I’m just a mum”.

Rosie Batty named 2015 Australian of the Year

One year ago, Rosie Batty could not have imagined she'd be where she is. Tonight the grieving mum who put domestic violence on the national agenda was named Australian of the Year.

Five reasons to hug more

Hugging – some of us thrive on it, even depend on it – and then there are those who don't care for it really. So, are they missing out?

Help - my three-year-old has started throwing tantrums

My daughter never went through the "terrible twos" but began throwing wild tantrums shortly after her third birthday.

That's commitment

First peek at Sonia Kruger's daughter Maggie

"She smells so good, I could eat her," Kruger tells co-host David Campbell.

Mum assists in own caesarean surgery

A mum who partly delivered her own twins during a caesarean has encouraged other women to take control of their birthing experience.

How to handle common childhood regressions

Regression can be a natural and common part of development prompted by a variety of factors, but that doesn't make it less frustrating.

Disgruntled dad's pram ad goes viral

When buying a second hand pram, there are lots of things to take into consideration. 

Man discovers he's a dad after finding 55-year-old letter

Discovering you are about to father a baby is startling enough - never mind finding out you have a 61-year-old son.

15 thoughts mums have during a tantrum

Ranging from mild to feral and triggered by events both minor and major, tantrums certainly keep life interesting.

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Forgotten Baby Syndrome claims the life of toddler

One baby dies every eight days in the back of a car in the US, victims of 'forgotten baby syndrome'.

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel

For a brief time, I was touched by an angel. You stole my heart, and changed me into the women I am today.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Chrissie Swan has reached her "sex quota"

Chrissie Swan says she and her partner have sex once a year due to her fear of falling pregnant.

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

 

Back to School Offer

Findababysitter.com.au

We've got you covered for this school year. Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.