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How to do with unwanted (bad) advice
PPL telling you the 'wrong' things are actually ok?


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39 replies to this topic

#1 Winning

Posted 10 December 2012 - 11:56 PM

.

Edited by HoneyPumpkin, 04 January 2013 - 10:07 PM.


#2 Roselet

Posted 11 December 2012 - 12:25 AM

People are emotional about the decisions they made with their children, and tend to feel like you making different decisions is a slur on theirs. With older women I used to say "well they didn't know about the risks then, I'm sure you would have done things differently if you had known". With younger women (where they had the same information I had and chose not to be on the safe side) I would usually explain that due to my personal health problems I needed to be super careful - that way my choice is about me and enables them to make different choices without feeling like they are being less careful.

Truth is, same as we all feel like inadequate mothers sometimes, (at least every mother I know says they doubt themselves from time to time), we all worry that we didn't do things as well as we could have during pregnancy, so if someone else is doing it "better" there is a risk it will make us feel inadequate and then we overcompensate.

#3 rabbit hyde

Posted 11 December 2012 - 03:21 AM

Just have a reply prepared and ready.  A simple "I've decided to err on the safe side of caution" is fairly unoffensive.

I find that people aren't so much concerned about choices you've made so much as they can tend to take your actions as a judgment on their own.  Regardless of whether you've intended this or not.


#4 ~buzz~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:56 AM

I just say pretty much what you have written that I am not comfortable about it and would rather be on the safe side.

Your body, your baby, your choice

#5 Preg_in_RSA

Posted 11 December 2012 - 04:57 AM

I just say yes and then completely ignore everything they say - I hate confrontations.

#6 lozoodle

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:23 AM

Just dont engage, i get comments about food on occasion and i just smile and change the topic. Its not worth worrying about.

#7 Cacti

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:47 AM

I would say, "This is what I'm comfortable doing."

#8 Jo-Anna

Posted 11 December 2012 - 05:58 AM

I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.




#9 MrsLexiK

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:07 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.

I agree! It irks me even more when the person is still TTCing and going on and on about. People you can have caffeine!

#10 Fr0g

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:07 AM

Same as I do receiving any unsolicited advice; smile, nod, ignore and move on.

I rarely try to defend my choices to those who obviously disagree.

#11 Chchgirl

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:20 AM

Yep ignore it, best thing! I found the older generation (such as parents etc) will say this more, but because they didn't know and also things were different.

It won't stop, everyone will throw in their two bob's worth, my oldest is nearly 15 and I still hear what they did differently (although I know it's not critiscm)..

I learned just to smile, nod and not worry!

#12 ~Winter~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:40 AM

I said the same thing to my husband last night. I'm dreading that part of it. I will do as suggested and say I'd rather be cautious. Better safe than sorry. Anecdata isn't proof to me.

#13 Feral Grey Mare

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:51 AM

As a PP said, just decline anything you don't wish to eat and if questioned say that you have just gone off lettuce  since becoming pregnant. This will be a learning experience for you as you will be judged on ALL decisions you make for the rest of your life once you have children.

#14 WithSprinkles

Posted 11 December 2012 - 06:57 AM

While pregnant I was regularly told that I was being overly cautious or quizzed about why i wasnt eating the potato salad or having just a sip of champagne etc. I agree with PPs, people do take it as a personal attack on their own decisions.

I found that if I responded with something along the lines of "I'm a paranoid worrier so would prefer not to" then people wouldn't make any more comments (to my face anyway, I'm sure they may have called me paranoid behind my back but since I had already told them that I WAS paranoid I really didn't care!)

#15 No-pants Agnodice

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:00 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


This. It's actually fairly annoying to have someone bang on about how they're not doing something because they are pregnant, as if they are the first person in the history of the world to find themselves in such a state.

Don't want to et salad? Don't tell the person who has perhaps lovingly made it that you're don't trust their hygiene and you only eat salad made with leaves hand picked and hand washed by yourself. That's a douchey thing to do. Jus tell them you don't feel like any salad today, thanks, but it sure looks lovely. If you said that non-pregnant, no one would bat an eyelid. Why would you say anything otherwise?

Similarly, for the 'just one drink is ok, go on' people, again just say you don't feel like it. You don't have to spout unproven scientific facts at people to turn down a drink.

#16 Feral Mozzie

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:00 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


You were lucky. I have found when I am offered something, particularly at a work function, and I say 'no thanks', I get a barrage of questions. 'are you being funny about food now that you are pregnant' 'oh no, you are not on that stupid 'pregnancy diet' are you'  etc.... It's painful.

OP, my response is usually that everyone has to do what they are comfortable with. It doesn't always work, but eventually they will move on. I have also found that the worst offenders are those who aren't ready to have kids yet/don't want kids, as opposed to those with older kids.

#17 WithSprinkles

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:07 AM

QUOTE (Mozzie1 @ 11/12/2012, 08:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You were lucky. I have found when I am offered something, particularly at a work function, and I say 'no thanks', I get a barrage of questions. 'are you being funny about food now that you are pregnant' 'oh no, you are not on that stupid 'pregnancy diet' are you'  etc.... It's painful.


I also found this to be the case. Many people were not happy with a general answer of "I don't want it/don't feel like it/no thanks for the offer but I'm fine" etc. Funnily enough I never had a man quiz me further after saying no thanks, it was always a woman.

#18 Unatheowl

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:16 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.
Nothing irks me more than hearing a pregnant woman harp on about what she's eating to who ever will listen.
I just eat what I eat and no one is generally interested. If I am offered something that I choose not to eat when pregnant I simply say 'no thanks'. In my mind there is no need to explain my choices and this way I have never had a issue with any of the 'older generation'.


This.

If you turn up to a BBQ and start asking "who made the salad?  Did they wear gloves?  We're they drunk at the time?  Have they ever smoked?  Had they been near soft cheese in the last 12 months? Have they visited any farms in South America during the last 4 years?"  You are going to cop it from people.  Just go about your business eating what makes you feel comfortable.  You won't get any confrontation if you don't go looking for it.

If you do get anything particularly unsolicited and confronting like "are you just being silly because you're pregnant". Just say "yes, I'm too stupid to make my own decision so I tend to follow what my doctor has told me".  I keep this sort of response for any  of these situations.   It may be a little passive aggressive but it sure stops the comments and the person asking doesn't know what to do next original.gif

#19 SnazzyFeral

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:42 AM

QUOTE (Roselet @ 11/12/2012, 01:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
People are emotional about the decisions they made with their children, and tend to feel like you making different decisions is a slur on theirs. With older women I used to say "well they didn't know about the risks then, I'm sure you would have done things differently if you had known". With younger women (where they had the same information I had and chose not to be on the safe side) I would usually explain that due to my personal health problems I needed to be super careful - that way my choice is about me and enables them to make different choices without feeling like they are being less careful.

Truth is, same as we all feel like inadequate mothers sometimes, (at least every mother I know says they doubt themselves from time to time), we all worry that we didn't do things as well as we could have during pregnancy, so if someone else is doing it "better" there is a risk it will make us feel inadequate and then we overcompensate.


I think that this is a well balanced answer that is worth repeating.

If people kept on banging on about it I just said that I had developed and aversion to eating whatever it was although I didn't take too much notice of the guidelines. I did genuinely have an aversion to chicken and minced meat. I did cop the precious label because I was worried about getting a sick. I would change carriages if someone was coughing and hand sanitiser became my best friend but that was because I knew someone whose baby had contracted a common cold in utero so it was to my mind completely reasonable and I didn't feel the need to defend myself.


#20 Sweet like a lemon

Posted 11 December 2012 - 07:50 AM

Take in what you think is relevant and disregard the rest. I don't think that people sharing their own experiences is really unsolicited advice though. You really don't need any barriers in place to go "meh, good on you but that's not for me."


#21 ~polly~

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:04 AM

QUOTE (Jo-Anna @ 11/12/2012, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I find that if you don't draw attention to what you 'can and cannot' eat people generally keep their noses out.


This is so true.  When I was pg (even tho it was just for a couple of weeks) I went to a wedding, engagement and bday party.  I was worried it would be really obvious that I wasnt drinking (cos I do like my wine) but no one even noticed.  I didnt say 'oh Im only drinking mineral water today' I just drank it without comment.

#22 Phascogale

Posted 11 December 2012 - 08:06 AM

With the food thing just say you've developed an aversion to the particular food since becoming pregnant and it makes you nauseous and you really don't want to throw up and ruin the party.  Including alcohol.

Or depending on the food you can say you're worried about the listeria risk and would rather not take the chance.

With the other stuff then I'd just listen to the advice, nod and disregard when they leave.  If they go on about it then say the current recommendations don't recommend what you are suggesting.  Things have changed since your children were little.

#23 Therese

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:16 AM

Just say this is what I choose to do and move on from it. Don't make a big deal about it and hopefully the other person will move on from it then.

#24 PrincessPeach

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:20 AM

QUOTE (Phascogale @ 11/12/2012, 08:06 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
With the food thing just say you've developed an aversion to the particular food since becoming pregnant and it makes you nauseous and you really don't want to throw up and ruin the party.  Including alcohol.


I noticed my SIL did this for her second pregnancy & our very opinionated in-laws didn't take the questioning any further.

#25 Ally'smum

Posted 11 December 2012 - 09:22 AM

QUOTE (Therese @ 11/12/2012, 09:16 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just say this is what I choose to do and move on from it. Don't make a big deal about it and hopefully the other person will move on from it then.



This is what I did. No need to lie/justify/explain yourself.


I got really sick of the "I ate..." comments and felt it was people justifiying their own behaviour. I didn't care what risks other people were prepared to take and I wasn't interested in what they thought of me!




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