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Why would my brother do this?


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#1 Blairizz

Posted 10 December 2012 - 02:46 PM

To make the telling of this a little less confusing, I will initial my siblings so you can keep track of who I'm referring to:
A (sister, 21)
R (brother, 20)
W (sister, 10)
P (brother, 8)

W & P each had their birthday late last month. R bought W a nice pair of earrings. I've just received a phone call from A stating that R is 'furious' as P went into W's room, grabbed her earrings and put them down the bathroom sink.

Obviously, completely unacceptable. I can't even begin to understand why he would think it ok to do that. But I can't help but feel like he is trying to get some attention/reach out.

As a bit of background, our mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in Feb. & finished treatment in September. She is completely fine, but over those few months she's had several different people help her out with the kids, including me. Since completing her treatment, she has felt like it's her time to focus on her. So she is currently working 6 hours away, & W & P are being taken care of by our Nan. They do see their Dad, but he is not what I would call the world's greatest father. Mum drove the 6 hours back to pick up a family friend who was at her house looking after W & P, but only stayed for an hour despite not having seen the kids for two weeks. P also ran away from his Aunty's house on Saturday, & turned up at A's house crying.

So I guess my question is, how would you discipline him? What is the right thing to do in this situation?


#2 snuffles

Posted 10 December 2012 - 02:57 PM

I have a nearly 8 yo and if he did that, I'd make him give his pocket money to me, and do extra jobs around the house, to 'earn' replacement earrings.



#3 WithSprinkles

Posted 10 December 2012 - 02:57 PM


It does sound like he is trying to get some attention/reach out. It must be very hard on him not having his mother around (and to have multiple people looking after him..not a stable carer).

As for how I would discipline him? Does he have any pocket money or birthday money? Perhaps he could use that to replace the earrings (though I guess it depends on how much they were.. I'm guessing not overly expensive if they were for a 10 year old)

Someone might have to have a chat to your mum..it's a difficult situation as I can understand why she would feel the need to focus on herself right now, at the end of the day those two kids are her responsibility.

#4 elmo_mum

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:01 PM

maybe hes just being an 8 year old boy and being a t*at!

#5 Mumof32b!

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:02 PM

I think because he is 8 and his mum isn't with him and he is  being looked after by a number of people with no real structure.

Whilst he obviously did the wrong thing I would be loathe to punish him too much, poor thing he mustn't really know what is going on.  Hopefully your Mum will be back soon and he can return to some kind of normality.

#6 Ladyinnogen

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:02 PM

Tell your mum to get her butt home and look after her kids. He's feeling deserted and is acting out for attention. He's already been deserted by his father now his mother is doing the same thing. Kids need stability. I remember how lost I felt went my father died when I was young, I can't imagine how bad it would have been if he'd chosen to leave. Your mum will have time for herself when the kids are older and if god forbid she passes before then does she really want her children's memories of her to be tainted by feelings of desertion.

Sorry to sound so harsh but I've had a bit of experience with this. It can have a huge impact.

#7 boatiebabe

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:02 PM

I think the right thing to do is for your mother to come back and look after her children.

I can imagine the little ones have been very affected by your mum's cancer treatment etc and he is acting out.

I would worry less about discipline and worry more about the family dynamic at the moment.

If you were not there when it happened you really don't know the full story of what happened in the lead up to the ear ring flushing either.

Sounds like a bad situation.

#8 Awesome101

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:02 PM

Maybe just ask him? Perhaps P did something to pi$$ him off and this is how he got revenge? Their just kids afterall. Sounds like something my brother would have done just to annoy me.

#9 Ferelsmegz

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:09 PM

QUOTE (Ladyinnogen @ 10/12/2012, 01:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell your mum to get her butt home and look after her kids. He's feeling deserted and is acting out for attention. He's already been deserted by his father now his mother is doing the same thing. Kids need stability. I remember how lost I felt went my father died when I was young, I can't imagine how bad it would have been if he'd chosen to leave. Your mum will have time for herself when the kids are older and if god forbid she passes before then does she really want her children's memories of her to be tainted by feelings of desertion.

Sorry to sound so harsh but I've had a bit of experience with this. It can have a huge impact.


This.


#10 mummabear

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:10 PM

Your mother has her priorities screwed up and her son is showing it!

Sorry, but while I can understand grabbing life by the balls after surviving cancer, abandoning your childrens needs in the process is selfish.

#11 Blairizz

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:16 PM

I'm up in QLD, so pretty far removed from the situation in VIC. I will get R to see if it's still in the drain. Not a plumber myself, so no idea what it's called.

He doesn't earn pocket money, but rather stickers that add up to certain rewards or privileges.

I agree with PP re: mum coming home. I certainly don't deny that she's had a hard year, & deserves a mini-break. But the kids have had a tough year too, & regardless of cancer or no cancer, they are still her responsibility. But Mum is a pretty self-centred person. When she was told about P leaving his Aunty's on the weekend, & how it doesn't seem like he's handling everything too well, her response was 'Well we all have issues'.

There is a good chance too that he is just being a brat. I certainly struggle to look after him as I just find myself saying the same thing over and over and over again. Still, him doing this is pretty shocking.

#12 boatiebabe

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:21 PM

QUOTE
Still, him doing this is pretty shocking


No not shocking really. He's 8. My DD (8) threw DSs (6) truck in the garbage bin the other day. He had thrown a toy car at her and it drew blood. Of course I was in the shower at the time of this all happening.

Neither was in the right or wrong. They were just kids have a fight. And both were disciplined.

What's shocking is your mum's attitude to her responsibilities.



#13 casime

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:26 PM

Good lord, your mother is horrible.  Why can't she grab life by the horns and look after her children at the same time?    I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for a woman that can walk away from her children like that (or men either, before someone jumps on me).   Those poor kids, abandoned by the two people that are supposed to be there for them no matter what.   cry1.gif

#14 Blairizz

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:32 PM

He has been disciplined, told not to touch others belongings etc etc.

Also, good to know he's not the only 8 year old who does naughty things to his sister.


Well this would be the same mother who made A's life horrible for dating someone ten years older than her, & refuses to acknowledge his existence despite their over a year long relationship. She tells everyone she sees that her boyfriend is 'ugly', quite often in front of her. Also the same mother who, when I left my job in QLD to go to Vic for 6 months to help her out with the kids and her chemo, sent nasty text messages back and forth about me, calling me a c*^t amongst other things. So really, her attitude is not surprising. We do not talk, as unless you are doing something for her, are you really doing something?


#15 Mpjp is feral

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:35 PM

Oh my gosh - I dont think discipline is the issue here at ALL. At a guess - maybe he's acting out because he's effectively been abandoned by his mother and his father? Even WORSE after his mum is ill - she then disappears? Discipline woudl be the LAST thing on my mind. Poor, poor kid. He is ONLY eight FGS. I'm sorry I know an illness like cancer can do extraordinary things to a person - but what a selfish, selfish woman your mother is (focusing on mother as I didnt get what happened to the father).

Edited by meplainjanebrain, 10 December 2012 - 03:36 PM.


#16 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:38 PM

I think he's probably a very angry and hurt little boy.  Negative attention is better than no attention.  Sometimes kids (and adults) want to hurt someone else's feelings because they can't handle their own feelings.

#17 boatiebabe

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:40 PM

Oh.  ohmy.gif

Considering your last post OP I don't think there is anyone on EB who can help sort out that family mess.

I really feel for your little brother and sister.  sad.gif

#18 Blairizz

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:48 PM

QUOTE (boatiebabe @ 10/12/2012, 03:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Oh.  ohmy.gif

Considering your last post OP I don't think there is anyone on EB who can help sort out that family mess.

I really feel for your little brother and sister.  sad.gif



I agree.


Thank you for your replies. My brother & sister are going to sit down and talk with him tonight, to try and figure out where he's at. Unfortunately not a great deal I can do from here.

Edited by Blairizz, 10 December 2012 - 03:49 PM.


#19 FeralZombieMum

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:50 PM

You need to tell your mum to pull her head in and start acting like a parent.

#20 Mpjp is feral

Posted 10 December 2012 - 03:54 PM

QUOTE (ZombieMum @ 10/12/2012, 04:50 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You need to tell your mum to pull her head in and start acting like a parent.


Maybe if the grandparent was willing to be the 'parent' then this would be a better option, if a permament arrangement...

#21 cinnabubble

Posted 10 December 2012 - 04:00 PM

Poor kid thought his mother was going to die and then she deserted him anyway. What a horrible situation.

#22 SeaPrincess

Posted 10 December 2012 - 04:04 PM

QUOTE (~*Twilight~Zone*~ @ 10/12/2012, 01:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Probably stupid question but has anyone checked the little catchment thing (haha sorry can't thing of the proper name) to see if they have been caught up in there?

Exactly what I was going to say.  And if not, then I would be making him earn them back. If he doesn't get pocket money, by doing jobs around the house. Make it very clear what he has to do and when.

#23 qak

Posted 10 December 2012 - 04:09 PM

QUOTE (cinnabubble @ 10/12/2012, 05:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Poor kid thought his mother was going to die and then she deserted him anyway. What a horrible situation.


I do feel sorry for him, and the younger sister as well (no offence to the older ones, am guessing they may be used to this sort of thing).

#24 Blairizz

Posted 10 December 2012 - 07:20 PM

I suggested they check the drains, but whether they did or not is a different story. A & R do a great job of making sure the kids feel as loved as possible, but I won't deny that mum's absence isn't affecting them. Clearly it would. My own estrangement from her upsets me constantly, & I'm much older than they are.

In the end, he was told that his behaviour wasn't acceptable, Mum has been told what happened, and it really is up to her to realise what her priorities should be. She is very much focused on money & materialistic things, so I think she feels that her working and earning an income is what matters. She did the same thing to me when I was studying Year 12 - went away to work whilst I was left at home to look after A & R and study. It doesn't make it OK, not in the slightest. But just trying to show that she has a habit of going away to work & leaving her children behind.

#25 Funwith3

Posted 10 December 2012 - 09:32 PM

He doesn't need any discipline. He needs love, guidance, a good child psychologist or counsellor....and he needs his mum to take responsibility for him and not abandon him. Poor little mite.

I feel for your mum but she needs to take ownership for her children. It's not her children's fault that she got sick.




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