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Just having a moment
(depression mentioned)

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#1 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:11 AM

I'm not really sure what I am hoping to achieve with this post.  Just sharing I guess, and hoping someone might be able to give me some hope.

I'm going through a rough time at the moment, and am just struggling a bit.

A brief history:

My husband left me after a 10 year marriage fraught with many problems.  He left me on Valentine's day, for another woman that he lined up via online dating.  During our marriage I had 4 miscarriages.  Finally we had our beautiful DS.  And then XH became suicidal and wanted to take both his life and our DS's.  Long story, lots of other issues.

After he left I lost our house.  Our DS was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (amongst a lot of other issues).

I had a head on collision into a tree (in the wet) and wrote off my car.

I have 20+ breast tumours which require constant monitoring, testing, biopsies etc.

Then earlier this year I met someone fantastic - 18 months after XH left.  For the first time in my life I felt genuine happiness.  And hope.  

Then he "discontinued our relationship" via email.  On our anniversary, and while I had gastro.

I was crushed.  More so than even when XH left.

Then later this year I met someone else.  He seemed fantastic, I liked him a lot.  Trusted him.  On Monday I found his profile on an online dating site.  And we broke up.

I'm in no way feeling sorry for myself with the above.  Just trying to explain how I have gotten to this point.

I guess I just look at everyone around me.  With partners, and families.  Happy and stable.

I am just struggling to find hope anymore.  When I look at the future I just see an endless struggle day in day out.  

I do have a long history of depression and anxiety.  I'm currently on anti-depressants.  I've seen more psychiatrists and psychologists than I can count.

So I guess I'm looking for stories of hope.  Of happy endings.  Of positivity.

Just trying to find reasons to keep battling through.

Thank you for reading if you have gotten this far  original.gif

(please please don't quote me.  There is a lot of identifying information which I will probably delete later.  Thank you)

Edited by ♥~Bodhichitta~♥, 09 December 2012 - 08:12 AM.

#2 Cherish

Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:26 AM

I'm sorry you've had such a sh*t time sad.gif
Life's unfair sometimes.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve very soon.

#3 JRA

Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:34 AM

OP: I really don't know what to say, my heart goes out to you.

I do have to admit I read through some of your old posts, and found your blog. I love the benefits of minimilastion. I am going to show it to DH.

#4 RichardParker

Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:35 AM

Please go to your doctor and get s referral to a psychologist.  There is hope- you've just had a pile of sh*t thrown at you. It may take some assistance and therapy for you to be able to see that.  


#5 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:40 AM

Thank you for these replies - that does help.

It's ironic - after reaching breaking point last year I dedicated my life to helping others.  And spreading kindness.  And it's still something I believe passionately about (hence my blog).

I guess I'm just finding it hard right at this moment to keep going.

Thank you everyone  hheart.gif

#6 NunSoFeral

Posted 09 December 2012 - 09:03 AM

Please have hope.

You are making many ripples with each kind word and action.
Touching lives, which in turn, touch others.

These ripples will return ten-fold.

Hang in there Bodhichitta - the tide will turn.

#7 Chelli

Posted 09 December 2012 - 09:39 AM

Thinking of you OP and hoping that things turn around for you very soon.  hhugs.gif

#8 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 09 December 2012 - 11:14 AM

Thank you everyone  wub.gif

I was having a moment (as per my thread title).  I've realised it's time to put on my big girl pants again (worn on the outside) and get back to what I do best - helping others and trying to spread light and love and kindness.

For some reason it's my karma to go through lots of yucky stuff.  However that horrible stuff has also deepened my compassion and empathy and ability to help others.  And I truly think that is the reason behind it.

Sometimes I just get a bit overwhelmed with it all.

#9 kadoodle

Posted 09 December 2012 - 11:22 AM

You are so strong and so brave, OP.  The world needs more souls like you.

#10 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 09 December 2012 - 11:25 AM

Thank you Kadoodle  wub.gif

#11 Feral*Spikey*

Posted 09 December 2012 - 11:26 AM

OP, its just an observation from your post, and it could be entirely wrong of course...

You seem to have set your 'benchmark for happiness' as being the same as your partnered friends and family, that is, you seem to think you need a partner for happiness.

I suspect part of the reason you're struggling is that you feel the need or obligation to be partnered, and this is impacting on how you view your life.

The truth is of couse very different. The only meaningful benchmark is that which makes you truly happy - and you have yet to discover what that is, perhaps. But it has to come from inside you, and not from an externality.

While dating and being with people is fun, maybe you should be looking more closely at a different benchmark - one that celebrates your inner-strength and your lovely soul. When you're getting joy and satisfaction from helping others, I think you may be closer to your own 'truth' than you could imagine.

#12 trebambinibelli

Posted 09 December 2012 - 11:32 AM

OP you are stronger and more brave than you realise.  I don't know why we get hardships when we're already down, it's not fair sad.gif The fact that you're trying to turn hard times into a positive by helping others is to be greatly admired

#13 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 09 December 2012 - 11:51 AM

Spikey - thank you, that is incredibly insightful.  And something that I am trying to work with, as I have realised this myself.  Particularly in light of the last relationship ending.  I'm working towards being strong and comfortable in my own skin.  Without the need for anyone else.  It's a process  happy.gif

Thank you again everyone for being there.  I think I just needed the hugs today.

Have been inspired to write this post... as a reminder to myself as well  original.gif

Don't give up

#14 R2B2

Posted 09 December 2012 - 12:18 PM

bbighug.gif  you sound like an incredibly strong woman.

#15 raindotdot

Posted 09 December 2012 - 12:28 PM

You sound brave to put that out there, I hope sharing your story can help you share the load just a little. Sending virtual hugs and support <3

#16 BearBait

Posted 09 December 2012 - 12:39 PM

You are amazingly strong. Your son is blessed to have you for your love and example. I hope you also have some good friends IRL who can support you practically. Keep going, only you can do this.

#17 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 09 December 2012 - 01:22 PM

Thank you so much for the beautiful comments and support  hheart.gif

#18 AprilEthereal

Posted 09 December 2012 - 04:12 PM

I'm really sorry that you have had so many difficult times and as others have pointed out, you are a resilient and strong person.

I agree with this though  
The only meaningful benchmark is that which makes you truly happy - and you have yet to discover what that is, perhaps. But it has to come from inside you, and not from an externality.

There is SO much to be taken from that and I encourage you to delve into this further.  Often in life people place their happiness, self worth on external things which is fraught with danger. The person is vulnerable, like a leaf being blown about in the forever changing windsof life and relationships.  Instead, I encourage you to be your own best friend, treat yourself with the love,kindness and compassion you afford to others. Everything starts with the self, the acceptance of the self, the whole self.

#19 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 09 December 2012 - 06:44 PM

QUOTE (AprilEthereal @ 09/12/2012, 04:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Instead, I encourage you to be your own best friend, treat yourself with the love,kindness and compassion you afford to others. Everything starts with the self, the acceptance of the self, the whole self.

Actually this is something that I am really interested in exploring further, and something that I do want to able to do for myself.  

For me it's a matter of figuring out how best to do that.  Any suggestions or ideas are very welcome  original.gif

#20 AprilEthereal

Posted 09 December 2012 - 10:16 PM

This works for me.   :-)   http://yogavic.org.au/retreats/living_consciously .

#21 ♥~Bodhichitta~♥

Posted 10 December 2012 - 06:33 AM

QUOTE (AprilEthereal @ 09/12/2012, 10:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This works for me.   :-)   http://yogavic.org.au/retreats/living_consciously .

Thank you!!!!  biggrin.gif

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