Jump to content

some marriage advice please


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 imop

Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:11 PM

old member going anon.

Please bare with me. I am highly emotional right now. I am writing this as part vent but mostly for advice. I tend to be sporadically emotional meaning, I act like I am always happy and then let one little thing pull me right down emotionally.

A bit of background. Married to DH for 10 years. Have a beautiful DS 2 years. TTC for 7 months unsuccessfully. 2 chemical pregnancies. Life is generally good, we have enough money to live comfortably, a good relationship, a beautiful house and have had lots of travel opportunities.

We both work and parent roughly 50:50. We own 2 businesses and work for salaries also.

I am feeling horribly lonely. I am going through the motions with DH but feel numb and mostly sad. He does nothing wrong in particular, although in my head I pick what he does/or does not do to pieces. I am constantly conflicted as to whether I am being picky or within my rights to be annoyed. This constantly plays on my mind.

I feel like we don't talk. He thinks we constantly do. I feel we don't laugh enough, he thinks we get on better than most couples we know. I don't feel he appreciates things I do around the house, he feels that he constantly compliments me (he really doesn't) I feel we go through the motions, he thinks our lives are better than most (to be honest we are very lucky and I realise that) I would love sex much more often, he has never been particularly sexual - this really bothers me especially as we are ttc. My DH is not much of a talker so getting his feelings out is a lot of hard work.

He used to be romantic. Not in grand gestures, but in small acts such as a random bunch of flowers, a sweet text and random backrub. Now if reminded he will always try for a while, but it with wither up and be forgotten within a few days. I miss feeling like I am the number one person in his life.

The other factor is my DH is quite an anxious person. He internalises stress and tends to let little things bother him. Unfortunately when I bring this topic up, he will bottle up even further and it makes things even worse. He is also an insomniac which makes emotions even more highlighted.

I realise that many other members have much tougher circumstances and I hope I am not coming across as precious. I am far from it. Today he snapped at me over something quite minor. It was nothing and he turned it into a joke straight afterwards (as a kind of apology I guess) I have been crying and stewing over it ever since and blew it completely out of proportion. This is always a problem as he thinks I am overreacting over the comment, while I am reacting to a much wider range of issues.


WDYT

#2 KatakaGeoGirl

Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:16 PM

I believe that relationships change. I see a lot of people get to the stage you are describing, and we are there or have been there, and quit. But to be honest I choose to keep going and accept that change has occurred. I think it is that things are now more a companionship than the romance, and yes life's busyness does get in the way.

I probably wouldn't be TTC though under those circumstances though.

I think life just changes.

#3 Agnodice the Feral

Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:35 PM

Send DH out for a night with his mates. Put DS to sleep. Get take away and alcohol of your choice and watch "Friends with Kids".

It's a total B (maybe C) grade rom com with a soppy Hollywood ending, but it also describes what I think is a pretty universal scenario of life as a couple with young kids, establishing careers etc.

I'm suggesting this because most relationship advice is inane and tiresome and not necessarily suited to your situation exactly. Whereas you sound like you have enough insight to watch a crappy movie and make of it what you will.

#4 Agnodice the Feral

Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:39 PM

PS I don't think you are over reacting, I think maybe some change of perspective might be helpful.

It doesn't sound like there is anything ominous in your relationship and its death knell is distantly sounding, but if you want to make it work (which it sounds like is probably the most desirable outcome), then you just need to get your head around this phase of your lives (which includes knowing that it will pass!)

#5 SaintJoe

Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:52 PM

bbighug.gif   Not much advice but hope you are okay.

#6 ASDivine

Posted 08 December 2012 - 03:06 PM

Do you have friends? From what you're writing it looks as though you're totally focused on your work, your child, your Husband and TTC. First thing I would do is stop TTC for a while until you get things sorted out. I feel you need to shift some of your focus from your DH and onto other things. It sounds like you're relying on DH to provide you with praise, appreciation and worth. He can do this a little, but you can't rely on him for it solely. A strong friendship circle, time with supportive family and time doing activities away from work (gym, hobbies) can also provide you with some other outlets to goal set and achieve from.
I not think you're being needy or clingy, but relationships do evolve and change, and your DH might think that he is providing adequate support but clearly you need more.

Edited by ASDivine, 08 December 2012 - 03:08 PM.


#7 lizzzard

Posted 08 December 2012 - 03:15 PM

Big hugs!

Firstly, do you think you might be depressed, and looking for an external explanation when it's really a chemical issue? I'm just wondering because you mention your emotionality and teariness... It might be worth having a chat to your GP.

Secondly, I agree with the PP who said this is probably quite a common phase for relationships. I know my relationship has certainly gone through it. I do think your husband should take your concerns seriously though. Would you consider some couples counselling? It would be a shame for the situation to deteriorate if it doesn't need to.


#8 seaside_feral

Posted 08 December 2012 - 03:25 PM

Hi there

Firstly please don't feel like you are being precious, you are going through a difficult time with TTC and have suffered two losses along the way, which has no doubt affected both of you.

Maybe you could try organising a few things to bring back a bit of the romance?  See if a family member or friend could mind your DS and have a date night with your DH?  Or even just organise a nice night for you both at home after DS has gone to bed if it's not possible to organise a babysitter?

Also you mentioned you feel like you nit pick everything that he does, and you also sound very busy with work & of course parenting... do you make time to do things to take your mind elsewhere, like exercise, yoga, sewing etc?  I have an anxious mind which is always working at a million miles an hour so I know the feeling of overthinking things, but I find exercise really good for taking me out of my mind.  
And if your DH is an anxious person, maybe he would also benefit from some similar stress relief??

If these things don't help then like PP I would suggest talking to your doctor or a counsellor, maybe you might be clinically depressed, even if just mildly so.  I have been there too and for me anti-depressants worked wonders for a period of time, and now I am very well without them.  It is worth considering.

Sending you hugs.




#9 MrsShine

Posted 08 December 2012 - 04:18 PM

I don't think there are any underlying issues here - I think you've just hit a tough patch.

Very normal in ALL relationships original.gif

Not that it makes it any easier to deal with/process right now.

DH doesn't sound like a bad guy, I think you explained yourself well when you said you not pick everything, again most women do this - I know I do!

As PP have said what you've been through with TTC and the losses is very real, and I'm not surprised you're emotional. Sometimes I have to remind myself to look a the good things in my life and stop focussing on the bad, try and remember what brought you & DH together in the first , take some time out together - and on your own. Sounds like you could both do with some space as well. Sometime I like to remind myself that the bad patch will only make the good one feel extra good when it comes - and as for the sex thing, same goes for that as well. I, like you would like sex a bit more, but now I look forward to when we do have sex, and we always make it a good long session and then I don't mind so much original.gif
Lol, I'd prefer that than more sex that was just mindless him grabbing me and theirs over.

My DH isn't much of a talker either - try and just have quality time together without pushing the issue and he'll probably naturally open up.


Look after yourself and try to relax and things will get better.



#10 KatakaGeoGirl

Posted 08 December 2012 - 04:30 PM

I just wanted to add, we've been married now for nearly 13 years. We did and have gone through this stage at about the 10-11 year mark. I think how this has changed now is that we have both accepted that we have both changed, but we still accept each other for those changes.

Coming through this I have just stepped out a little to find 'myself' again. For me this means I've joined a sport, made some other friends and have a life that isn't just in the home. Now going out 1-2 days a week gives me a focus and makes me whole. DH however is fine still being a homebody. But if one day he decides he needs something outside the home he is free to do so. I think it is a time of change and adaptation and I think it is normal. I think the question is do you push through and get through to the other side, or do you give in now in search of other happiness. It sounds like there is enough in your relationship that is good, that is worth pursuing.


#11 Floral Arrangement

Posted 08 December 2012 - 05:34 PM

imop my dh is amazing he is a simply marvelous and beautiful person. When I was in my early 30's I felt a lot of what you describe. I was having a lot of gynecological issues, anemia, hugely hormonal and I felt like you. When I got this sorted to a degree I started feeling a lot better about things.

Marriages, even good ones, ebb and flow and sometimes it is what one person is going through not the couple. I have the type of husband who sees me through my stuff and I see him through his. It means that we are just about to hit 22 years of marriage, I went through my stuff about 10-12 years ago.

If the basis of your relationship is still strong keep working at things, have counselling for yourself maybe (I did this) as a start.



#12 imop

Posted 08 December 2012 - 09:28 PM

Thankyou PP's for your kind and helpful words.

I think you are all correct. I need to realise this is a normal phase of a relationship and that I must try and focus on the positives more
.
I truly love him and would never contemplate leaving our otherwise happy life. I guess I have to realise it will never be like the honeymoon period again.

For those who mentioned depression, I highly doubt it Most of the time I am relatively happy with my lot. I was just emotional today after he snapped at me and it bought out all my emotions. I also know I have barely acknowledged the chemical pregnancies to anyone including myself which probably is not helping matters.

I truly thank those who took the time to respond. It is nice to know others have experienced the same thing.

#13 Floral Arrangement

Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:38 AM

QUOTE
I truly love him and would never contemplate leaving our otherwise happy life. I guess I have to realise it will never be like the honeymoon period again.


No but there are excellently romantic bits as well. Even with 5 kids.

#14 Excentrique Feral

Posted 09 December 2012 - 09:17 AM

To me it sounds like your both really busy. Maybe you just need to organize some time to spend together, with no expectation of sex (ttc can really unromanticise that). Get a babysitter for the night, go out and have dinner together, go for a nice walk, etc.

#15 llg

Posted 09 December 2012 - 01:13 PM

Your depressed go and see a proper psychologist.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Win $1000 with Sea-Bands!

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

Misery loves Facebook

Facebook users are often criticised for only showing the positive, fun parts of their lives. But what about when it swings the other way, when someone uses it for the purposes of ranting about their children all the time, never posting anything positive?

Toddler's adorable impersonation of pregnant mum

Little Ellis has noticed his mum is walking differently lately, and his impersonation of her is hilarious.

'Forgotten baby syndrome' can happen to any one of us

When my third child was two months old, I strapped her into her car seat, then promptly forgot all about her. But she survived, unharmed, because it was winter, and I was lucky.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

Ten things I've learned about motherhood

Never take a good night's sleep for granted. There is no logic like toddler logic. Standing on Lego hurts every time. These are the truths of parenthood.

Parenting past the toddler years: what's next?

Your baby has grown into a toddler, and now your toddler is fast approaching the preschooler stage. What can you expect as a parent?

Tips on what to pack in your hospital bag

Before giving birth I read countless lists, ended up overpacking just a little, and now know what I'll actually want to pack next time.

New app keeps tabs on your kids at childcare

Popular new technology lets parents know what their children are up to at childcare - but not everyone is a fan.

21 things I love about newborns

There?s an irresistible magic about newborns. Of course they're not all smiles and rainbows, but they are undeniably cute and remarkable in so, so many ways.

Kid-friendly hairdressers: who says haircuts can?t be fun?

I?ve found some salons who boast setups ideal for children ? you name it, they?ve thought of it. All are designed to make haircuts fun rather than stressful.

Labour pain relief may reduce risk of postnatal depression: study

Postnatal depression is a complex condition, but researchers say pain relief during labour may help some women.

Why we need better support for men after miscarriage

In a recent study, 85 per cent of men admitted feeling sadness after their partner miscarried, but almost half said they didn't share their feelings at all. What can be done to help them?

Mum in business: Kristy Chong

Kristy Chong is the managing director of Australian-made Modibodi underwear and a mum to Lucas, 6, Jason, 4, and Isaac, 6 months. She shares her advice for other mums thinking about starting their own businesses.

From toddler to preschooler: a developmental roadmap

So your toddler is growing up and will soon be entering the preschooler years. Here are a few ways to frame their development that will help you understand what?s going in those beautiful, funny, clever little heads of theirs.

Mum sacrifices an eye for her unborn baby

Motherhood is full of sacrifices, but this woman has made a life-altering one - and her baby hasn't even been born.

A grandparent by any other name

A growing number of grandparents are shunning tradition and going against conventional names - but a grandparent by any other name still gives the same awesome cuddles and kisses.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

When labour just doesn't happen

After three healthy kids, I can?t help feeling I?ve been a little ripped off. I missed out on something I had always wanted to experience, and now I?ll never get the chance.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Share the little things that make you smile

We're giving away a Mountain Buggy nano, the ultimate travel stroller - and here are some of the great entries so far.

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

Win $1000 with Sea-Bands!

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band prize pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos gift card!

The beautiful moment a baby was born at the side of a road

It's not where she expected to give birth, but mum Corrine Cinatl is delighted that her daughter's roadside arrival was captured in a series of beautiful photos.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

Join the Real Mums Test Drive Team

Five mums or mums-to-be will join the EB Test Drive Team and discover great items at an exclusive Big W event. (Sydney only.)

The Nappy Collective starts new drive

It's that time of year when the dedicated volunteers at The Nappy Collective do their bit to help out mums and children in need - and they need your help.

Baby shower cake wrecks

From misshapen cake babies to questionable text, from odd colour choices to internal organ recreation, these are the baby shower cakes that taste forgot.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

Pregnancy progression photo ideas

Want to record your pregnancy as your belly grows? Here are some creative, fun ideas for photo shoots along the way.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Tin can craft and DIY ideas

Got a few old formula, Milo or coffee cans around the house? Use these fantastic upcycling ideas to create items for around the house and yard.

Dads meet their newborn for the first time

Emotional photos of two fathers meeting their newborn son have resonated with viewers worldwide, attracting thousands of Facebook likes and shares.

Skin safety isn't just a summer worry

Lax about the slip slop slap with your kids as weather turns cooler? Here's a reminder as to why we have to remain vigilant for our children?s future health.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

Creative sleeping baby photoshoots

See how some parents and photographers have captured sleeping babies in unusual positions and using different props.

DIY kitchen and food hacks

DIY your way to a better kitchen and make cooking easier with our clever hacks. (Some content reproduced with permission from mashable.com.)

Winter warmers for babies and toddlers

Your baby or toddler will be nice and snug in these beautiful and fun winter pieces. Most are hand-made or knitted, and they're all designed to keep your little one toastie - and adorable!

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.