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some marriage advice please
14 replies to this topic
Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:11 PM
old member going anon.
Please bare with me. I am highly emotional right now. I am writing this as part vent but mostly for advice. I tend to be sporadically emotional meaning, I act like I am always happy and then let one little thing pull me right down emotionally.
A bit of background. Married to DH for 10 years. Have a beautiful DS 2 years. TTC for 7 months unsuccessfully. 2 chemical pregnancies. Life is generally good, we have enough money to live comfortably, a good relationship, a beautiful house and have had lots of travel opportunities.
We both work and parent roughly 50:50. We own 2 businesses and work for salaries also.
I am feeling horribly lonely. I am going through the motions with DH but feel numb and mostly sad. He does nothing wrong in particular, although in my head I pick what he does/or does not do to pieces. I am constantly conflicted as to whether I am being picky or within my rights to be annoyed. This constantly plays on my mind.
I feel like we don't talk. He thinks we constantly do. I feel we don't laugh enough, he thinks we get on better than most couples we know. I don't feel he appreciates things I do around the house, he feels that he constantly compliments me (he really doesn't) I feel we go through the motions, he thinks our lives are better than most (to be honest we are very lucky and I realise that) I would love sex much more often, he has never been particularly sexual - this really bothers me especially as we are ttc. My DH is not much of a talker so getting his feelings out is a lot of hard work.
He used to be romantic. Not in grand gestures, but in small acts such as a random bunch of flowers, a sweet text and random backrub. Now if reminded he will always try for a while, but it with wither up and be forgotten within a few days. I miss feeling like I am the number one person in his life.
The other factor is my DH is quite an anxious person. He internalises stress and tends to let little things bother him. Unfortunately when I bring this topic up, he will bottle up even further and it makes things even worse. He is also an insomniac which makes emotions even more highlighted.
I realise that many other members have much tougher circumstances and I hope I am not coming across as precious. I am far from it. Today he snapped at me over something quite minor. It was nothing and he turned it into a joke straight afterwards (as a kind of apology I guess) I have been crying and stewing over it ever since and blew it completely out of proportion. This is always a problem as he thinks I am overreacting over the comment, while I am reacting to a much wider range of issues.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:16 PM
I believe that relationships change. I see a lot of people get to the stage you are describing, and we are there or have been there, and quit. But to be honest I choose to keep going and accept that change has occurred. I think it is that things are now more a companionship than the romance, and yes life's busyness does get in the way.
I probably wouldn't be TTC though under those circumstances though.
I think life just changes.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:35 PM
Send DH out for a night with his mates. Put DS to sleep. Get take away and alcohol of your choice and watch "Friends with Kids".
It's a total B (maybe C) grade rom com with a soppy Hollywood ending, but it also describes what I think is a pretty universal scenario of life as a couple with young kids, establishing careers etc.
I'm suggesting this because most relationship advice is inane and tiresome and not necessarily suited to your situation exactly. Whereas you sound like you have enough insight to watch a crappy movie and make of it what you will.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 02:39 PM
PS I don't think you are over reacting, I think maybe some change of perspective might be helpful.
It doesn't sound like there is anything ominous in your relationship and its death knell is distantly sounding, but if you want to make it work (which it sounds like is probably the most desirable outcome), then you just need to get your head around this phase of your lives (which includes knowing that it will pass!)
Posted 08 December 2012 - 03:06 PM
Do you have friends? From what you're writing it looks as though you're totally focused on your work, your child, your Husband and TTC. First thing I would do is stop TTC for a while until you get things sorted out. I feel you need to shift some of your focus from your DH and onto other things. It sounds like you're relying on DH to provide you with praise, appreciation and worth. He can do this a little, but you can't rely on him for it solely. A strong friendship circle, time with supportive family and time doing activities away from work (gym, hobbies) can also provide you with some other outlets to goal set and achieve from.
I not think you're being needy or clingy, but relationships do evolve and change, and your DH might think that he is providing adequate support but clearly you need more.
Edited by ASDivine, 08 December 2012 - 03:08 PM.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 03:15 PM
Firstly, do you think you might be depressed, and looking for an external explanation when it's really a chemical issue? I'm just wondering because you mention your emotionality and teariness... It might be worth having a chat to your GP.
Secondly, I agree with the PP who said this is probably quite a common phase for relationships. I know my relationship has certainly gone through it. I do think your husband should take your concerns seriously though. Would you consider some couples counselling? It would be a shame for the situation to deteriorate if it doesn't need to.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 03:25 PM
Firstly please don't feel like you are being precious, you are going through a difficult time with TTC and have suffered two losses along the way, which has no doubt affected both of you.
Maybe you could try organising a few things to bring back a bit of the romance? See if a family member or friend could mind your DS and have a date night with your DH? Or even just organise a nice night for you both at home after DS has gone to bed if it's not possible to organise a babysitter?
Also you mentioned you feel like you nit pick everything that he does, and you also sound very busy with work & of course parenting... do you make time to do things to take your mind elsewhere, like exercise, yoga, sewing etc? I have an anxious mind which is always working at a million miles an hour so I know the feeling of overthinking things, but I find exercise really good for taking me out of my mind.
And if your DH is an anxious person, maybe he would also benefit from some similar stress relief??
If these things don't help then like PP I would suggest talking to your doctor or a counsellor, maybe you might be clinically depressed, even if just mildly so. I have been there too and for me anti-depressants worked wonders for a period of time, and now I am very well without them. It is worth considering.
Sending you hugs.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 04:18 PM
I don't think there are any underlying issues here - I think you've just hit a tough patch.
Very normal in ALL relationships
Not that it makes it any easier to deal with/process right now.
DH doesn't sound like a bad guy, I think you explained yourself well when you said you not pick everything, again most women do this - I know I do!
As PP have said what you've been through with TTC and the losses is very real, and I'm not surprised you're emotional. Sometimes I have to remind myself to look a the good things in my life and stop focussing on the bad, try and remember what brought you & DH together in the first , take some time out together - and on your own. Sounds like you could both do with some space as well. Sometime I like to remind myself that the bad patch will only make the good one feel extra good when it comes - and as for the sex thing, same goes for that as well. I, like you would like sex a bit more, but now I look forward to when we do have sex, and we always make it a good long session and then I don't mind so much
Lol, I'd prefer that than more sex that was just mindless him grabbing me and theirs over.
My DH isn't much of a talker either - try and just have quality time together without pushing the issue and he'll probably naturally open up.
Look after yourself and try to relax and things will get better.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 04:30 PM
I just wanted to add, we've been married now for nearly 13 years. We did and have gone through this stage at about the 10-11 year mark. I think how this has changed now is that we have both accepted that we have both changed, but we still accept each other for those changes.
Coming through this I have just stepped out a little to find 'myself' again. For me this means I've joined a sport, made some other friends and have a life that isn't just in the home. Now going out 1-2 days a week gives me a focus and makes me whole. DH however is fine still being a homebody. But if one day he decides he needs something outside the home he is free to do so. I think it is a time of change and adaptation and I think it is normal. I think the question is do you push through and get through to the other side, or do you give in now in search of other happiness. It sounds like there is enough in your relationship that is good, that is worth pursuing.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 05:34 PM
imop my dh is amazing he is a simply marvelous and beautiful person. When I was in my early 30's I felt a lot of what you describe. I was having a lot of gynecological issues, anemia, hugely hormonal and I felt like you. When I got this sorted to a degree I started feeling a lot better about things.
Marriages, even good ones, ebb and flow and sometimes it is what one person is going through not the couple. I have the type of husband who sees me through my stuff and I see him through his. It means that we are just about to hit 22 years of marriage, I went through my stuff about 10-12 years ago.
If the basis of your relationship is still strong keep working at things, have counselling for yourself maybe (I did this) as a start.
Posted 08 December 2012 - 09:28 PM
Thankyou PP's for your kind and helpful words.
I think you are all correct. I need to realise this is a normal phase of a relationship and that I must try and focus on the positives more
I truly love him and would never contemplate leaving our otherwise happy life. I guess I have to realise it will never be like the honeymoon period again.
For those who mentioned depression, I highly doubt it Most of the time I am relatively happy with my lot. I was just emotional today after he snapped at me and it bought out all my emotions. I also know I have barely acknowledged the chemical pregnancies to anyone including myself which probably is not helping matters.
I truly thank those who took the time to respond. It is nice to know others have experienced the same thing.
Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:38 AM
I truly love him and would never contemplate leaving our otherwise happy life. I guess I have to realise it will never be like the honeymoon period again.
No but there are excellently romantic bits as well. Even with 5 kids.
Posted 09 December 2012 - 09:17 AM
To me it sounds like your both really busy. Maybe you just need to organize some time to spend together, with no expectation of sex (ttc can really unromanticise that). Get a babysitter for the night, go out and have dinner together, go for a nice walk, etc.
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