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Somebody help :( Im desperate and dont know what to do


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159 replies to this topic

#1 MEEP1989

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:43 PM

I'm in a very difficult position at the moment and I'm not sure where to turn or what to do.
I'm due to give birth very soon to a little boy and I'm not 100% sure about who his father is.

It's a slightly complicated situation Im in, so, please bear with me. I have been with my husband for three years and we TTC many times resulting in several miscarriages and a stillbirth. Before I found out I was pregnant, we seperated as everything just seemed to of took its toll on us both and I needed some space to grieve and so did my husband. It was a very hard time and during our separation, I stupidly met someone else and slept with him.

Anyway, forward a week or two, me and my OH had some serious talking to do and we decided to get back together. We love one another and blaming each other and taking it out on each other about what had happened was wrong of us both and we knew we really needed each other. A week or so later, I missed my period. I was so elated and ran off to buy a test. It came back positive, I told my OH and we were absolutely over the moon. We had our twelve week scan and it was real;ly only then that this sudden , horrible realization sunk in that in fact, this wonderful little baby may not in fact be my OH.

Now, Im so close to giving birth (gone slightly over due) and Im petrified. I've never told him this possibility because of all what had happened before. I could never find the words or bring myself to tell him. All I wanted was to have a family with my husband and I'm so scared I know how wrong I've been and I've dealt with it the wrong way. He's so happy and he'd be the worlds best Dad.
I'm so scared of giving birth to my little boy and seeing him in case I dont see any of my OH in him. Its like I dont want to meet my baby which is a horrendous feeling.
I really feel at a loss. I don't know where to turn. My OH is my best friend and he's the one person I cant talk to about this. I've discussed it with my midwife but she just said ''Ill just know'' when the babys born which wasnt much help really.

I feel like I've right royally messed everything up. I wish we'd never broken up and I'd been so bloody stupid but obviously there's nothing I can do about that now. What's done is done. I just don't want to break my OH heart and I feel that no matter WHAT I do, I'm going to hurt him. I want what's best for my family and right now, I dont know what that is. I feel like Im a terrible wife and Im going to be a horrible Mother and my little boy deserves better than this

I'm not sure if the pregnancy hormones are making everything seem a lot worse and making it harder to think straight about everything.

Please, Im not looking for criticism. I already beat myself up enough about the whole thing as it is, believe me. I just need some help and advice. All I wanted was a baby and a family with my OH and now the little guy is nearly here, Im dreading it when I should be so so happy that Im going to be a Mummy

#2 Bluestocking

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:52 PM

What a horrible situation to be in OP. I feel for you. You've been through a very tough time, as has your OH.

I think your going to have to tell him. Yes he is probably going to be very upset about it, but I think he will com around. Your going to have to tell him so that some DNA testing can be done after the baby is born. I think that is the best solution. Tell him ASAP so hopefully he gets some time to come to terms with it before the baby is born. Good luck.

#3 erindiv

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:53 PM

You have to tell him. It will only eat away at you if you don't.  Please don't wait until after the baby is born.

#4 Ireckon

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:54 PM

This exact same thing happened to my sister.

Her and her DH were still sleeping together whilst they were 'separated'. Slightly different, because as soon as she found out she was pregnant, she told both him and the other guy that it could be either one of them. It ended up being the catalyst for sister and her DH getting back together. they were most likely looking at needed a donor of some sort to have children, as it were.

They are still together now and have a gorgeous 2 y.o. They chose not to get dna tests done to confirm the father - not something I agree with, but it is their choice. As far as BIL is concerned, he may NOT be the father, but he damn well is the dad (his words). It was not without a huge amount of heartache and angst though.

I realise that this may not help you in your current situation. Normally I would advocate for honesty - as I did with my sister. No matter what, you need to allow your DH to go through the entire range of feelings with this, if you choose to be truthful with him. I would also suggest, if you choose not to bring this up, that you seek counselling to help process that choice, because the guilt may just be too much for you to hold in. No judgement here, just offering some advice.

All the best for your impending birth.

#5 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:56 PM

You need to fess up, the sooner the better.

#6 Illiterati

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:58 PM

It is a much wanted child for you - nothing is going to change that. What ever else happens.

Once your baby is born, arrange for a DNA test without your partners knowledge.

If the baby is his, then it is up to you if you tell him about what happened when you split.

If the baby is not his, then I think, you need to tell your husband. That is the right thing to do for him, your child and you. And you go from there. You dont want to live a lie. You dont want your child to live in a lie.

Edited by winterlong, 05 December 2012 - 11:05 PM.


#7 erindiv

Posted 05 December 2012 - 10:59 PM

OP, are you afraid that if it isn't his, he will leave you? I can understand being frightened of that.

#8 MEEP1989

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:02 PM

QUOTE (erindiv @ 05/12/2012, 10:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OP, are you afraid that if it isn't his, he will leave you? I can understand being frightened of that.


A combination of things really. Plus, after all what we've been through, I feel like Im taking another child from him if that makes sense? He was extremely depressed afetr our stillbirth and tried to commit suicide. Hes been so happy lately and back to his old self. I just dont know what to do.
I never set out to hurt or decieve anyone, Ive just got myself in a position I dont know how to deal with. I want this baby to be my husbands so much sad.gif

#9 roses99

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:03 PM

I think it would be best to tell him before the baby is born. It would be absolutely devastating to watch your child be born and then find out you might not be the father. BUT seeing as though you're overdue, I don't think you'd be giving him enough time to come to terms with it. Your baby would be born literally within days of this bombshell revelation.

So, given how late it is, you should tell him after the baby is born. Maybe even get DNA testing first so that you know.

But either way - whether he is or isn't the father - you need to tell him the truth. And give him the space to deal with it as he needs to.


#10 mumofsky

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:03 PM

I think, OP, that although this will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life - you need to bite the bullet and find a way to tell him. There will probably be tears, screaming, maybe threats about the future, and yes it may come to an end. But there's no other viable option here - it's not just an inconsequential one night stand, this is a child and so many situations can arise in the future where he may find out - medical issues, etc. If he does, that's when it'll be really, truly traumatic. For the child too. It will be horrible now, but nowhere near as bad as when the baby is already born and he falls in love with him or her.

I think you should just find a time when you know you won't be interrupted and tell him straight out. Reassure him you only want to be with him, and the rest is up to him. But don't read too much into what he says on the first night - give it time. This may all be ok and such a weight will be lifted when you're not holding onto this anymore.

#11 erindiv

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:08 PM

QUOTE (MEEP1989 @ 06/12/2012, 12:02 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A combination of things really. Plus, after all what we've been through, I feel like Im taking another child from him if that makes sense? He was extremely depressed afetr our stillbirth and tried to commit suicide. Hes been so happy lately and back to his old self. I just dont know what to do.
I never set out to hurt or decieve anyone, Ive just got myself in a position I dont know how to deal with. I want this baby to be my husbands so much sad.gif



I don't believe for a second that you set out to hurt or decieve anyone. You just made a mistake, that's all. There is no point beating yourself up about the things that are past, all you can do now is the right thing by yourself, your baby and your OH. You do not deserve to carry this sort of guilt around. Your OH does not deserve to be lied to.

I can understand the fear. I have never been in a situation like yours but have feared for my relationships so I know how crippling that fear can be and it leads you to do things you never thought yourself capable of - such as lying for months on end.

He really needs to know. Each day will only make it harder, and personally I believe it will hit him worse if the baby is already born.

You must be very, very careful when dealing with someone who has been suicidal, and I think you know that, that's probably why you've held this in for so long. You're scared for yourself, and for him. But nothing changes the fact that if this baby is not his, it is not his, and you will live a lie forever if you do not tell him now.

mumofsky said it very well.

#12 bakesgirls

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:09 PM

OP, you need to tell your husband. He has a right to know. So does the other guy if he is the father.

I know you are scared your husband may leave, but imagine how it could turn out if he finds out at a later time that this child may not be his. It won't just be him that is hurt, but also the child and the guy that is the actual father. There are more people involved than just you. Do the right thing and fess up.

#13 Madnesscraves

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:10 PM

OP, speak to your midwife/hospital/GP and request a counselling session firstly for you to explain to the counsellor then for the counsellor to assist in you telling your DH.

May be worth considering with all the stress you're under and pregnant that you have an experienced counsellor to assist you and your OH through this difficult time.

Best of luck OP.

#14 monkeys mum

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:13 PM

So you met someone and slept with him, a week or two later slept with your dh, did you have an early dating scan? Or is there an indication from dates of who's it's more likely to be?

Tbh I would go with the truth before you give birth unless you were convinced dates favoured dh. I say this because dna testing can take time and your dh may react better before birth.

#15 nano-tyrannus

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:14 PM

http://www.easydna.com.au/

#16 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:17 PM

I wonder if you can get a DNA test while still pregnant? Maybe it's too risky. I have no idea if they can even do it, I just remember Bridget Jones being in the same predicament and had a DNA test. Of course that is a story (the newspaper series not the books).

#17 MEEP1989

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:18 PM

QUOTE (monkeys mum @ 05/12/2012, 11:13 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So you met someone and slept with him, a week or two later slept with your dh, did you have an early dating scan? Or is there an indication from dates of who's it's more likely to be?

Tbh I would go with the truth before you give birth unless you were convinced dates favoured dh. I say this because dna testing can take time and your dh may react better before birth.


I had a scan at what I thought to be 8 weeks, that said I was 7. I then had my 12 week scan and it put me to how far along Id of judged myself to be going by my LMP. Although it did mean my period would of come a few days earlier than I thought it did? And Im regular as clockwork. The scan dates have confused me greatly.

According to my scan dates, when Ive put my due date into an online calculator, I would of ovulated 22nd. I slept with my partner around this time (Im not 100% sure of dates and how many times) and I slept with the other man on the 19th. :/

I really didnt even think about the other guy until around the time after my scan. I was just so happy that I though me and my partner were having a baby sad.gif

#18 MEEP1989

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:20 PM

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 05/12/2012, 11:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I wonder if you can get a DNA test while still pregnant? Maybe it's too risky. I have no idea if they can even do it, I just remember Bridget Jones being in the same predicament and had a DNA test. Of course that is a story (the newspaper series not the books).



I think it's meant to be quite risky. They have to take a sample of your amniotic fluid. Im not even sure if they do it unless there's a medical reason behind it. xx

QUOTE (Sunnycat @ 05/12/2012, 11:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I wonder if you can get a DNA test while still pregnant? Maybe it's too risky. I have no idea if they can even do it, I just remember Bridget Jones being in the same predicament and had a DNA test. Of course that is a story (the newspaper series not the books).



I think it's meant to be quite risky. They have to take a sample of your amniotic fluid. Im not even sure if they do it unless there's a medical reason behind it. xx

#19 bakesgirls

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:20 PM

OP, when are you due?

#20 MEEP1989

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:23 PM

QUOTE (bakesgirls @ 05/12/2012, 11:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OP, when are you due?


Ive gone slightly overdue. Was due Monday xx

#21 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:24 PM

QUOTE (MEEP1989 @ 06/12/2012, 12:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's meant to be quite risky. They have to take a sample of your amniotic fluid. Im not even sure if they do it unless there's a medical reason behind it. xx


Ah okay then.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament. This doesn't help you but I had a dating scan at 6w3d and they out me at 5w5d which is impossible, but then I had a scan at 8w1d that it me at 8 weeks. I was always under the impression that an 8 week scan would be more accurate than the 12 week scan.

I think the only thing to do is to come clean, i reckon it would be much harder for your DP to find out after the baby is born.

#22 Illiterati

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:26 PM

Can I ask a blunt question? Why didnt you use a condom with a one night stand? Unprotected sex with a casual partner puts you and now your husband and even unborn baby at risk of STIs. Were you at least tested for STI as part of routine tests during pregnancy so you know that is not a potential issue?

#23 mum850

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:26 PM

Gosh I am surprised that everyone would tell now.
I would not tell now. I would wait. Maybe DNA test after. If all good, it never happened. If not all good, well you had better reconsider the not telling thing.

Anecdata but I think I remember seeing from bone marrow testing data taken for the purposes of treating leukaemia, that up to 10% of children are not the natural children of their father.

Yes. Dr wikipedia agrees. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misattributed_paternity
though says the figure is lower than the widely quoted 10% figure. Not that it makes it right but what is done is done. I would not tell him now.

#24 bakesgirls

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:29 PM

Fair enough. I have found your identical OP on a couple of other sites though, and you give a different due date.

#25 MEEP1989

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:33 PM

QUOTE (winterlong @ 05/12/2012, 11:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Can I ask a blunt question? Why didnt you use a condom with a one night stand? Unprotected sex with a casual partner puts you and now your husband and even unborn baby at risk of STIs. Were you at least tested for STI as part of routine tests during pregnancy so you know that is not a potential issue?


I know, I know how stupid I was. It was a drunken, stupid thing I did and believe me, I beat myself up about it.
Yes, I did get tested and again at my first midwife appointment.






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