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Gift for my daughter from my NPD mother


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#1 Divine MsM

Posted 05 December 2012 - 04:35 PM

My NPD mother promised my daughter she would see her on her birthday which is on Sunday.  I just got a phone call from her to say she's going away and she has left DD's birthday present at the back door (which I hadn't noticed).  If it is what my mother has promised, it is a 'saya' which is a traditional filipino dress.

If you saw my post yesterday in 'venting' you'll see that I have a multitude of issues, namely that everything in her life is far more important than me.  Her reason for not seeing DD on Sunday is because "she has things to do".  Yeah, whatever.

All that aside, my question is:  Should I give DD her present?  If so, when?  I want to have a look at it first.  Last year she bought DD some dresses for Christmas.  They were SO inappropriate.  They were more appropriate if DD was 17, not 7!

WDYT?

#2 Fr0g

Posted 05 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

Is there really a need to look at it first? If you don't approve of the dress, surely it'd be ok for a dressup?

And ETA; give it to her on Sunday with an 'apology' from Nanna.

Edited by FrogIsAFrogIsAFrog, 05 December 2012 - 04:52 PM.


#3 MrsLexiK

Posted 05 December 2012 - 04:52 PM

QUOTE (FrogIsAFrogIsAFrog @ 05/12/2012, 05:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Is there really a need to look at it first? If you don't approve of the dress, surely it'd be ok for a dressup?


I would do this. I would give my daughter the present, even if I hated my mother I would still want my daughter or son to make up their own mind.

#4 Cerridwen

Posted 05 December 2012 - 05:14 PM

QUOTE (~*Twilight~Zone*~ @ 05/12/2012, 06:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
what does NPD stand for?


Narcissistic personality disorder?

#5 Queen Yoda

Posted 05 December 2012 - 05:17 PM

QUOTE (FrogIsAFrogIsAFrog @ 05/12/2012, 04:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Is there really a need to look at it first? If you don't approve of the dress, surely it'd be ok for a dressup?

And ETA; give it to her on Sunday with an 'apology' from Nanna.

agree with this.

Why wouldn't you give your daughter the gift on Sunday?  (assume that is her birthday)

If you are that concerned about the appropriateness of the gift, open it up, check it out. Wrap it back up if okay and give to your DD on Sunday.  If not okay, what would you do???

#6 Team Awesome

Posted 05 December 2012 - 06:40 PM

I completely understand the unwrapping and checking a present. Most likely I'd give it to her to avoid additional issues that may arise from not giving it to her and just say "sorry DD Lola had to go away but she left me this to give you".

Don't lie and add the "Lola's very sorry she couldn't be here because she really wanted to" an NPD mother/grandmother is never anywhere she doesn't want to be as you well know wink.gif. Your DD will sadly learn one way or the other what Lola's really like and how much she truly wants to be a part of her life instead of swooping in as super granny with presents rather then her presence.

I haven't had anything to do with my NPD mother for 5.5 years but this time of year I found mine would do things to play up the PLOMs (Poor Little Old Me) and make any event about her whether with her presence or lack of it, making sure it was well noted. (my birthday is the day before your DDs birthday so I know this well) and of course made the stories about the horrible DD I am and how big a martyr she is even greater.

#7 Canberra Chick

Posted 05 December 2012 - 06:46 PM

I fully understand 'vetting' presents. Mum has sent the kids toys this year. Luckily they come in a box unwrapped so I have to see them to wrap them up. She has bought DD a nail art kit. DD is three! She has also bought DS a 'make edible slime and brains' kit, which is 1. Not his thing and 2. Has egg white in some of the mixes (DS is allergic to egg).  

I agree with an OP though, worst case scenario is let her use it as a dress up dress.

#8 JustBeige

Posted 05 December 2012 - 07:11 PM

Absolutely unwrap and rewrap if you are worried about it being inappropriate.   Heck, if you wreck the paper, you can always wrap it in something else as its not like your mum will know as she wont be there.

I agree with PP too.   Now is the time to stop making excuses for her to your kids.  If they start to ask why, then just say "I dont know" and divert them.    They will eventually be old enough to figure her out by themselves.

#9 BearBait

Posted 05 December 2012 - 07:59 PM

I figured out my relatives instinctively from a very early age - my first recollections are from when I was 3. You can't fool kids, I'm sure they use their instincts more than listen to adults deluded explanations.

#10 raindotdot

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:06 PM

QUOTE (BearBait @ 05/12/2012, 08:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I figured out my relatives instinctively from a very early age - my first recollections are from when I was 3. You can't fool kids, I'm sure they use their instincts more than listen to adults deluded explanations.


So true!

#11 =R2=

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:15 PM

QUOTE (Divine MsM @ 05/12/2012, 04:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My NPD mother promised my daughter she would see her on her birthday which is on Sunday.  I just got a phone call from her to say she's going away and she has left DD's birthday present at the back door (which I hadn't noticed).  If it is what my mother has promised, it is a 'saya' which is a traditional filipino dress.

If you saw my post yesterday in 'venting' you'll see that I have a multitude of issues, namely that everything in her life is far more important than me.  Her reason for not seeing DD on Sunday is because "she has things to do".  Yeah, whatever.

All that aside, my question is:  Should I give DD her present?  If so, when?  I want to have a look at it first.  Last year she bought DD some dresses for Christmas.  They were SO inappropriate.  They were more appropriate if DD was 17, not 7!

WDYT?

Mother issues aside, a saya is quite conservative IMO. I don't think it will be inappropriate for your daughter at all.

If your daughter is expecting a present from her grandmother, how will you explain to her that you chose not to give it to her?



#12 Funwith3

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:44 PM

Your daughter is expecting a present, so you have to give it to her regardless don't you? So why bother checking it? And if it's inappropriate, can't you just explain that to your daughter after she's opened it?

#13 Queen Yoda

Posted 06 December 2012 - 08:46 AM

If your daughter asks where Granny is, just tell her the truth and move on to another topic. "Sorry hon, but Granny had other plans today, but she did think of you - remember the gift? How about we go outside for a ride/swing/run around?"  I'd just keep it short and sweet with no elaboration.




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