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secondry infertility - regrets?


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#1 sunshinechick

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:53 AM

I am facing secondary infertility - IVF isnt working.  DD is almost 3 and I am a bit distraught at the thought that DD may be an only child.  
Do you ever 'get over' not being able to have another baby?  Anyone really regret not being able to continue with fertility treatment many many yrs down the track? I guess most people do........
I have had  many people tell me i should perhaps just be thankful we have a beautiful, healthy DD but my heart is breaking for her, for me, and for my DP who has proven that he was born to be a dad. When does this hurt go away? It is starting to consume me.
Thanks for reading.

#2 CourtesanNewton

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:59 AM

This is something we've been thinking about. We needed AC for DS and will be trying IVF in the new year since IUI didn't work. I'm also closing in on 40.
Yes, it is upsetting at times, but basically I've been planning for the things I will be doing if I don't get pregnant....going back to study, volunteering at DS's kindy/school, joining a gym, going to more hours at work. So, yeah, having a Plan B. I guess my reasoning is that if my life is filled up with doing things I enjoy, I won't have too much time to be sad.

#3 Chelli

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:17 AM

Hi,
I've just moved this thread out of the baby names forum.

Regards
Chelli

#4 My3Squishees

Posted 05 December 2012 - 11:30 AM

Facing exact same scenario - trying for two years, been down the whole OI and IUI route but DH who goes clucky at the sight of every baby does not want to go down IVF because it's too much heartache .... despite it, in my opinion, being no worse than all the interference that we've already been through.

I'm an only child myself, so as much as I would like to give DS a sibling, I know that if he ends up growing up an only child, like me he won't know life any other way and will still have a great childhood.

I'm scared we might regret not doing IVF later down the track.

In the meantime, I'm starting TCM next week so at least I feel like I'm doing something. Otherwise I have a great job, which I probably wouldn't have if I had more children and we have a bit of a 'cake and eat it too' kind of lifestyle with just one. These are all the things I remind myself when I'm feeling down about only one.

However, occasionally there's an announcement from someone who has had three in the time it's taken you to try for one more or a baby shower that you can't get out of or you see a heavily pregnant woman wandering down the street with a cigerette hanging out of her mouth and times like that you have no choice but to let the emotion wash over you that life's not fair.

Good luck x

#5 JazzyWeasel

Posted 07 December 2012 - 07:10 PM

If you find the answer I would love to know.
DD was a clomid baby after 3yrs TTC. We started TTC again when she turned 1yr old. Rounds of IVF and still no baby. We have not used protection in 8yrs  cry1.gif .
I am just taking a month at a time. I went back to work but hurt my back this year and have had time to myself to think and it is not pretty but you get that. Next year I am going to study and move my life along. I feel like I have been on hold. Decided if it happens it happens and our savings we use for holidays instead.
I do feel sad that DD will not get that sibling but she is surrounded by family and friends and is the sweetest girl.

#6 Otis the Pug

Posted 07 December 2012 - 09:00 PM

have you considered adoption? I know it's nice raise your own children, but after many years of ttc I'd imagine that it would be easier to accept that you are raising someone elses child as your own, instead the stress and heartbreaks of ongoing ttc. I think happiness comes first. I'd consider it at 3 years.

Edited by Otis the Pug, 07 December 2012 - 09:02 PM.


#7 cinnabubble

Posted 07 December 2012 - 09:03 PM

Adoption isn't just like dropping in to Coles for some milk.

#8 Shellby

Posted 10 December 2012 - 08:45 AM

QUOTE (Otis the Pug)
have you considered adoption? I know it's nice raise your own children, but after many years of ttc I'd imagine that it would be easier to accept that you are raising someone elses child as your own, instead the stress and heartbreaks of ongoing ttc. I think happiness comes first. I'd consider it at 3 years.


Have you actually seen the process - like PP its not like going to Coles and buying milk. For Australian adoption - well we are written off as we have kids straight up - but even if we didn't there is only about 4-6 babies given up for adoption a year in the whole country - the waiting list is so long the chances are you will reach the age limit to adopt well before you get offered a child.

Then overseas, my cousin who hasn't been able to have any kids and the only baby they finally had through IVF was stillborn, finally adopted a baby from China - it took them 10 years and about $50,000+ to finally have  the dream of having a child - and she is beautiful I must say. It takes many years for Australians to adopt overseas compared to say countries like the US which can be done in a year and for less money - we have many hoops to go through here.

Unless you have looked into it and seen the research etc don't just offer 'Why don't you adopt' like its some magic easy pill when in Australia its not.

As for the OP's question....I always regret...why didn't I start treatment earlier....why did I wait so long....why did I have that stupid mirena put in which the doctors agree was most likely my downfall. How do I move on, I just enrolled to study, I try and enjoy the new stages of parenting such as today watching my boys walk to school together without needing me and meeting up with friends along the way to walk with, I finally turned the would be nursery into a new study and giving the old study to my eldest so I still get to make a new room. Really I'm getting on with enjoying what I DO have and try not to focus on what I have missed out on. I also focus on the extras I can give my boys by only have 2 and the experiences we enjoy together that would be limited back with more kids to pay for.

Yes its hard like when my friend found out last week that she is 24 weeks pregnant with the mirena in. Or my niece having her 3rd baby on Saturday night and seeing all the photos from my sister, and knowing she has had basically 3 babies in the time I was trying for my 3rd. The other hard bit is being asked if I will have more - I live in a town where most people have 4+ kids so they think I'm strange for stopping at 2, especially when they are both boys. All I do now is smile and then have a small cry in the shower to allow myself to have those feelings then just move on the next day - I can't change what other people do and have, but  can change myself.


#9 Otis the Pug

Posted 31 December 2012 - 06:56 PM

I now know not to mention 'adoption' again. I'm sorry that I offended you. I haven't looked into adoption before, so I didn't know that it was that difficult to get anywhere with it.


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