Jump to content

Kids being told to hug another child after hurting them


  • Please log in to reply
58 replies to this topic

#1 indigogirl

Posted 05 December 2012 - 07:49 AM

Ive had ths issue come up a few times lately and am interested in peoples thoughts.

So child A is regularly aggressive towards other children, so much so that other children are scared of Child A. Child A hits out at Child B. Parent of Child A then says "go and give Child B a hug to say sorry". Child B then stands there rigid and looking scared while forced to endure a hug that she doesnt want or appreciate.

I'm all for encouraging children to acknowledge that they have hurt another child. But I really hate this approach!

I am a strong believer in never forcing children to be affectionate towards anyone and that children have the right to decide how, when and who they want physical contact with. I consider it an important message in keeping kids safe and learning protective behaviours. I feel really passionate about it but also know that I can get worked up about an issue that noone else worries about!

So just interested - is this important to you too or just a "meh whatever" issue.

And if it is important to you how would you address it with other parents or would you just let it slide? In this instance Child B was not my child but could just have easily been. It will definitely keep happening and I'll have to keep seeing it every week! Dont know if I can keep sucking it up!

#2 katrina24

Posted 05 December 2012 - 07:55 AM

Hi, I think that if you feel this way:

a. don't ask your child to hug another child if they hurt them.
b. if Child A hurts your child and his/her parent tells them to hug your child, politely decline
c. if neither child involved is your child, look away.

I agree that it's not the best approach but if your child is not directly involved then I don't think it's a big enough deal to say something about.

#3 MarigoldMadge

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:00 AM

I don't like that approach at all... My SIL does that when her son does something and it grates as I can see dd doesn't like being hugged by by most people - only nana, dh and I seem to be allowed to cuddle her.

I also don't like it because some people just do not like a lot of physical affection - like me! My circle of friends are always kissing and hugging hello/goodbye and I endured it for years until I finally said something.... The relief of just saying bye and hello! I'm sure it looks weird when I'm the only one being excluded in a sea of kisses and hugs, but it really bothered me.

And I see dd has inherited a little of that trait from me, so hence my dislike of the forced hug, as well as the reasons the OP listed above.

#4 ~~HappyMummy~~

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:01 AM

QUOTE (20%Cooler @ 05/12/2012, 08:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's just setting child A up to believe it's okay to hit out at people as long as you follow up with a bit of affection.

Child B is also being set up to believe it's okay to be hurt as long as the abuser hugs you afterwards.

Doesn't bode well for the long term I'm afraid.


I agree with this.  Well said.

#5 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:06 AM

I haven't thought about it before but I think I agree with you.

I guess you can say "B is still a bit upset and isn't ready for a hug right now but he/she knows you are sorry"   Would it be too old fashioned to shake hands to show the apology is accepted?

#6 lozoodle

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:06 AM

Yeah I'm not a real fan of that. I have a friend who gets her 4.5 year old to do that. He is super rough all the time and always hurts other kids (whether it be intentional or not) and this is her reaction to everything. It drives me crazy as the kid he has hurt is usually upset and a bit scared at the time, and its so forced as well. I'd rather she spend time diciplining her child and following through on consequences than forcing hugs.

#7 archythepeasant

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:06 AM

QUOTE (20%Cooler @ 05/12/2012, 08:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it's just setting child A up to believe it's okay to hit out at people as long as you follow up with a bit of affection.

Child B is also being set up to believe it's okay to be hurt as long as the abuser hugs you afterwards.

Doesn't bode well for the long term I'm afraid.


Agree.  Child B is also being taught that they have to put up with physical contact they don't want for fear of rocking the boat.

#8 toosenuf

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:08 AM

Op: in the instance that you gave IMO it just show Child A that they still have power over Child B, as Child A will feel/see that Child B is uneasy.

#9 BadCat

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:09 AM

I think it's an awful approach.  I don't want my child to endure a hug from someone who just hurt them.  The long and short of it is this:  My child should not be imposed on so you can discipline yours.

#10 mez70

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:12 AM

I don't like this approach at all,
I would be very upfront and say no need to hug, just saying sorry is enough...

I am also the same parent who doesn't force my child to say "that is ok" when they are given an apology. I will insist on them thanking the person giving the apology for giving it, but I do not make then say it is ok as I feel in saying that they are condoning the action..I will allow my child to accept/ forgive in their own time (which often means they need time to reflect and calm down from inital action)


#11 JJ

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:12 AM

Yeah, it's just silly, for all the various reasons already mentioned by PPs. Physical contact should never be forced, we all have our own boundaries and a forced hug can seriously violate those.

Also, in a little while child A and B will go to school where, if they're (un-)lucky, hugging may be banned altogether.

#12 bubblegummum

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:13 AM

I don't like it but I'd handle it carefully.  The parent of the child being aggressive is probably feeling awful, and judged and is trying to make things better.  So if you go against the hugging do it with compassion.

#13 katpaws

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:37 AM

There was a boy in my mothers' group like that; he'd hurt other kids and his mother would be "hug them and say sorry" but she never seemed disturbed by her son's behaviour, as she never actually stopped him from hurting other children and often after her son "hugged" the children he had just hurt  they would still be crying (and they became terrified of him) so it was pretty obvious that her approach was not doing anything to help the situation and her son's behaviour got worse. After it happened to my daughter, i never left her alone with or near him unless i was right there so i could stop him hurting her. I would, though, if need be say something to the parent if they continued to let their child bully and hurt mine and then got that child to force my daughter in a hug. That is not acceptable behaviour.

This approach is not proper parenting; it puts the onus on the victim to be the "responsible one" as they have to hug the person who just hurt them back and they are expected to stop crying and feeling hurt as it might make the bully feel bad.

Edited by katpaws, 05 December 2012 - 08:39 AM.


#14 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:58 AM

Is a terrible approach, but then I'm not a fan of forcing children to hug other people anyway.

In this case it is sending both children the wrong message.

#15 Froger

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:00 AM

I agree with you OP.

Nothing worse than some grotty, snotty toddler punching yours, then the mother coming up and saying, "Johnny, hug the little boy and say sorry." NOOOOOOOOOO, I don't want your filthy child to touch my child again!

I just ignore and quickly take my child away when I see this situation might arise.

#16 Escapin

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:04 AM

Yeah, I hate it too. If DD has just been shoved or bitten or whatever, then she doesn't want any more full body contact! But I'm not quite sure how to say so to the mothers, especially as they happen to be my really good friends. Any good ideas as to how to broach it?

#17 JoMarch

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:15 AM

I agree with you OP & am not a fan of the forced hug.  As another PP suggested, maybe politely say that the hug isn't necessary.

#18 Just Another Cat

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:16 AM

QUOTE (indigogirl @ 05/12/2012, 08:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I am a strong believer in never forcing children to be affectionate towards anyone and that children have the right to decide how, when and who they want physical contact with. I consider it an important message in keeping kids safe and learning protective behaviours. I feel really passionate about it but also know that I can get worked up about an issue that noone else worries about!


I agree with you OP. I dislike this approach.
DD doesn't like hugs from random people (especially if they just hit her) so I just tell the other child 'no, she doesn't want a hug thank you'.
If my child wasn't involved I would just leave it be.



#19 Julie3Girls

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:24 AM

Definitely not an approach I like.
I'm not even keen on making them shake hands.

If I was the mother of the agressive child, it would be case "A, I want to you say you are sorry, and then we are going to talk".

If I was the mother of B (which I have been just recently), the last thing I would want is to have child A anywhere near my child.
I'd simply say "I don't think B is going to want a hug right now, an apology and some space would be better"

#20 katpaws

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:29 AM

QUOTE
Any good ideas as to how to broach it?


Mary, when Burt hurts Sue-Anne and you get Burt to hug and say sorry to her afterwards, it actually makes the situation worse... see Sue-Ann is still upset, she is scared of Burt, and this is not the first time Burt has done this to her. Maybe doing it this way, Burt doesn't understand that hurting someone else is wrong and he might think it is ok to hurt someone as long as you say sorry to them. It may be better to get him to avoid hurting others, so I was wondering if you could just watch him a bit more closely when he plays with the other children.

????



#21 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:32 AM

QUOTE (Escapin @ 05/12/2012, 09:04 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yeah, I hate it too. If DD has just been shoved or bitten or whatever, then she doesn't want any more full body contact! But I'm not quite sure how to say so to the mothers, especially as they happen to be my really good friends. Any good ideas as to how to broach it?


Not the same but I have a friend who is always forcing her son to hug and kiss mine. He is usually reluctant to so after she has asked him again (she is quite bossy and forceful) I just say "it's okay, let's not make them do anything they're not comfortable with" and I leave it at that and take my son away.

She hasn't got the hint though because she's always forcing him to hug and kiss DS.

#22 opethmum

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:37 AM

I don't like that premise for reconciliation. It make it awkward for all parties concerned and sends the wrong message to all concerned. I think a simple verbal apology is all that is needed and it is up to the offended party to accept and not to put pressure on the victim to automatically accept. I think by hugging them is wrong and invades personal space and can make the child feel violated just to make the offender feel better and it sends the wrong message.
I think we are placing to much emphasis in making the offender feel better and children should be made to feel sorry and experience the negative emotions that come from wrong doing because that builds empathy and helps them to learn from their misdeed and try not to do it again.
In the same step the offended party should not hold a grudge and not drag the process out and making the process of reconciliation hard for the offender.


#23 EsmeLennox

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:39 AM

Yes, I don't like this approach either for the reasons already outlined.

#24 Frau Farbissina

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:42 AM

interesting!

What about between siblings? Both my boys get into rough and tumble play which can end in tears or they fight over a toy and one hits the other, etc. I ask them to apologise to the other and give a cuddle to make up.  They usually comply. I don't force them to give a cuddle if they don't want to. Similarly, if the other doesn't want to receive a cuddle I say to just leave it for now.  So is this sending them the "it's ok to be mean as long as you show affection afterwards" and "if you get hurt, you should accept affection afterwards"  message if it's not enforced? Is it different between friends/strangers and family?

Edited by Frau Farbissina, 05 December 2012 - 09:43 AM.


#25 Julie3Girls

Posted 05 December 2012 - 09:57 AM

QUOTE
What about between siblings? Both my boys get into rough and tumble play which can end in tears or they fight over a toy and one hits the other, etc. I ask them to apologise to the other and give a cuddle to make up. They usually comply. I don't force them to give a cuddle if they don't want to. Similarly, if the other doesn't want to receive a cuddle I say to just leave it for now. So is this sending them the "it's ok to be mean as long as you show affection afterwards" and "if you get hurt, you should accept affection afterwards" message if it's not enforced? Is it different between friends/strangers and family?

I do think siblings can be a little bit different. Admittedly, most of the physical injuries between my girls tend to be accidental.

I have always encouraged them to say sorry, and make sure their sister is ok. That a hug can sometimes be nice IF the other person wants one.

Now as they are older, and can understand more, I'm helping them learn how to judge when a hug might be welcome, and when it might be a good idea to simply say sorry and give a bit of space.

I guess the difference I see with MY girls, is that there isn't that fear factor involved. They are usually either angry (in which a hug won't go down well), or upset (where a hug is sometimes ok)
With a child that don't know, who they are comfortable with, or who might have actually scared them, hugging would definitely be off limits.

Edited by Julie3Girls, 05 December 2012 - 10:01 AM.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Funny Father's Day cards

A little fun never goes astray when celebrating special occasions and Father's Day is no different. We've rounded up some funny Father's day cards for your husbands, fathers and other important men in your lives.

Electronic tags may keep newborns safe

The possibility of using electronic bracelets for mothers and their newborn babies is being investigated by Adelaide's Women's and Children's Hospital. 

Baby steps: when your little one starts walking

As a parent there are so many milestones to look forward to. That first smile, first word - and, of course, that first step.

Julia Watson's new book 'Breakfast, School Run, Chemo'

Tomorrow my friend Julia launches her first book. And while we're all overjoyed, the success is tinged with sadness. You see, Julia has stage 4 bowel cancer.

How not to name twins

Call me boring, but I don't think that when it comes to choosing my twins' names is the right time to use a good pun.

Fun Sunny Life pool inflatables just for babies

The babies of 2015 will thus be thrilled to paddle their happy baby legs in these brand new flamingo and swan baby inflatables.

Baby and bulldog born on the same day are best friends

When Chicago mum Ivette Ivens saw a French bulldog puppy who had the same birthdate as her son Dilan, she "just knew it?s meant to be" and took him home. Five months later, puppy Farley and Dilan are the best of friends - as Ivens says, "I?m pretty sure Dilan thinks they?re both the same species, as they walk at the same level and are both going through the stage of chewing on everything.?

Breastfeeding basics for beginners

Here are 10 tips to help make breastfeeding successful and stress free for both you and your baby as quickly as possible.

Girl smothers baby brother with peanut butter

This mum had a big clean up job on her hands.

How to hide those under eye shadows

Pandas are the only ones who benefit from under-eye shadows. If you're not fluffy and cute, you'll just look tired.

Young mum dies after being denied pap smear

A mother has died after she was denied a pap smear because she was deemed "too young" to need it.

Birthday cakes banned at childcare centre

A childcare centre in Sydney has banned birthday cakes after parent complaints about excessive sugar and children with allergies being left out.

Triplet surprise for newlyweds

As the radiographer moved the wand over her abdomen, Shelley King got the surprise of her life.

3 yummy Thermomix baby and toddler recipes

Louise Fulton Keats shares her recipes for babies and toddlers, including corn and sweet pikelets, pumpkin and pea risotto, and cheesy bunny biscuits.

Man arrested over toddler Nikki's death

A 31-year-old man has been arrested over the death of two-year-old Nikki Francis-Coslovich in Mildura.

Adoption ban on pregnant women to be lifted

Pregnant women will no longer be barred from adoption waiting lists in NSW, after the Baird Government decided the practice was discriminatory.

Are you getting enough magnesium?

Magnesium is the fourth most abundant mineral in the body, but we don't talk enough about it and the vital role it plays in great health and energy, as well as disease prevention.

5 workplace lessons for new parents

Take heart in these principles that will transfer seamlessly from the workplace into your new life as a parent.

Mums to follow on Instagram

A creative outlet for many, there are some savvy women complementing their blogs and businesses with riveting Instagrams feeds. We've chosen a few which have bucketloads of appeal; there are some big time players and some smaller local ones, and they each bring their special brand of magic to the Instagram experience.

Review: The Volvo 2015 XC90 SUV has all the safety features your family needs

The new Volvo XC90 SUV's focus on keeping you safe does not come at the expense of comfort in the XC90.

Kim Kardashian reveals she may have hysterectomy

Kim Kardashian has revealed complications during pregnancy means she might have to have a hysterectomy after the birth of her second child.

Why late night snacks wreak havoc on weight loss

 Loath as you may be to admit it, chances are that at some point you have found yourself in the kitchen late at night, devouring food.

Toddler twins pretend to be asleep to fool mum

They say twins have a unique connection. If this cute clip is anything to go by, these toddler sisters like to use their special bond to try to fool their mother.

Dad bags: 10 picks for out and about

Getting out of the house is a big priority in the early years of parenthood and you need to take a well-stocked kit with you. We've chosen 10 of the best nappy bags sure to appeal to dads in style and function.

Win a Mountain Buggy Swift

To celebrate Essential Baby reaching half a million Facebook fans, we have a Mountain Buggy Swift to giveaway to a lucky fan.

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Dads who do their share have more sex: study

For women trying to encourage their partners to take more interest in fatherhood, it could be the ultimate incentive.

Think you might have IBS, coeliac disease or Crohn's?

Conditions affecting the gastrointestinal tract are common in modern humans, and many are on the rise - including irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and coeliac disease.

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer.

The exercises you know you should be doing (but probably aren't)

I bet your to-do list today is long. But somewhere on that massive list, are you making time for your pelvic floor?

This baby really loves the family cat

Some babies get excited when mum or dad come to get them from their cot after a nap.

Designer kids clothing good enough to eat by Oeuf

Even if you aren't heading to the Northern hemisphere in the next six months, you can't help but love the amazing food-themed knits for babies and kids by cult kids brand Oeuf.

Early exposure to peanuts recommended for allergy prevention

A paediatricians' group is recommending that infants at high risk of peanut allergies be given foods containing peanuts before they turn one.

Home brand foods contain less salt than pricier rivals

Supermarket home brand foods, long derided as cheap and inferior, contain far lower levels of salt than pricier, branded rivals, new research shows.

Nannies for hire, wherever you're flying

Ever dreaded the prospect of a long flight, dreaming about how wonderful it would be for a nanny to entertain the kids?

Couple poses for newborn shoot with adorable puppy

Tired of being asked about their baby-making plans, Australian couple Matt and Abby decided to give a creative answer: with an unusual photo shoot with their 'baby', a groodle (poodle/golden retriever cross) named Humphrey. The talented Elisha from Elisha Minnette Photography caught all the precious shots.

Is it okay to name your baby with a sense of humour?

My husband was sure that Danger was a good option for a boy. And as the pregnancy progressed, it actually started to sound really good.

Woman gives birth after having her own mother's uterus transplanted

In a world first, a healthy baby has been born from the same womb that nurtured his own mother.

So hot right now: double-barrelled baby names on the rise

It's one way to make your baby stand out from the pack – giving them not one, but two first names.

Second time around: is it really better the devil you know?

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was, naturally, very excited. Then it all started to come back to me - and I freaked.

Shopping with kids: breaking the pester-power cycle

You're out shopping with your little one and they're incessantly whining that they want a treat. It's easy to say no ... the first time, at least.

How did we have babies before apps came along?

Three months ago, my wife, Chrysta, and I were driving along Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles when she let out a harrowing cry.

When your toddler disagrees

There comes a time when your child starts having different views to you. I didn't realise that time would come so soon.

Win a Pacapod this Father's Day

To celebrate dads and families, we are giving away a Picos Pack from Pacapod Australia filled with a few extra goodies ENTER NOW

 

FREE TICKET

Discover the magic of the LEGOŽ DUPLOŽ Play Area in Sydney

Get your free ticket to The Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.