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Would you be annoyed?
Unequal present split


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#1 JessMcA

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:22 PM

My DP is a bit grouchy about this and he's not sure if he's being petty or not. I'm inclined to think not, but... what do you think?

At his work there are two women about to leave on maternity leave (I'll call them A and B). As always, his work did a collection for the girls to buy them something. The woman who did the collection © is friendly with both A and B, though closer to B. Anyway, C collected for both women together (ie combined one collection pool for both) and then went and bought the presents.

DP wasn't super thrilled about the joint collection because he would have ordinarily contributed more for A than B, because he's friendly with her - more than that, she's a very popular person in the office, very warm and generous, always the first person to bake a cake for someone's birthday or bring flowers or whatever. Whereas B has a couple of friends in the office but is otherwise unfriendly to the point of rudeness. Anyway, it wasn't his ideal situation but he thought, whatever, it's fine.

But then my DP found out that C used the joint money to purchase both gifts, and rather than splitting the money in half and buying something for each with half, she bought unequal presents - the one for B substantially more expensive than the one for A. Now he knows there's nothing malicious about it on C's part - she likes both women and she just chose a present she thought would be useful to both. And he reckons A wouldn't care in the slightest about the disparity. But he's still stewing about it because he feels like the office has ended up subsidising a present at a level above what they would have voluntarily done for one person, and given less to a person he thinks 90% of the office would really go out of their way to be generous for.

Anyway, what do you reckon? Is he being petty being annoyed about this? He keeps saying he knows he's unreasonable, spiteful, etc... but I don't know. I think I might have been annoyed in the same circumstances. If I gave money to 2 people I'd expect that money to be split equally. Then again, if the recipient doesn't at all mind, and there's nothing malicious about it, what does it matter?

Any thoughts?

#2 raone

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:25 PM

No that would annoy me heaps and I would probably buy gifts myself from then on. It's not even about not liking the other as much. It's just what is fair.

#3 Holidayromp

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:32 PM

Unfortunately because the gifts were bought by a representative for the whole office using the money there is not alot of say.

In future instead of placing money into a pool and relying on someone else to do the buying I would suggest as a pp did buying a present and handing it to the receiver directly.

Also in your DH's circumstances I am not sure how that would go down in the office as well.  It does reek of favouritism and it will be picked up.  I would be surprised if there wasn't any fallout as a result.

#4 JessMcA

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:38 PM

He doesn't think there'll be any fallout - he only knew about it because he overheard C mentioning it to someone else (she was asking whether they thought A would be offended). The presents were very different, so I guess you'd need to be really up to date with baby stuff to know what was worth what? I wouldn't have guessed the presents were that different in cost if it had been me.

It's always so awkward with these office things - you don't want to look like you're not contributing... but I guess you could just say that you're going to get them something yourself.

Anyway, thanks for the replies - I'll reassure him that other people don't think he's being mean about it!

#5 crackles

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:43 PM

he can pretend his money was split 50/50 but other people's were split a bit different :-P

I agree with pp's

I would be a bit annoyed but not much u can do about it

#6 I'm Batman

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:46 PM

Me, id ask for the lady to put some more money into the other ladies present. Its really rude to create such an obvious disparity. Or I would put in for my own gift.

#7 EsmeLennox

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:52 PM

I would be annoyed, but if there was genuinely not going to be a problem for the women concerned then I would let it go. I would, however, insist on separate collections in future. Even better, separate collections made by two different people.

#8 Funwith3

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:53 PM

QUOTE (JessMcA @ 04/12/2012, 10:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Now he knows there's nothing malicious about it on C's part - she likes both women and she just chose a present she thought would be useful to both.


I disagree. She intentionally spent more on one woman (who she was closer to) than another woman. It sounds malicious. The obvious thing to do was split the money in half. Anyone can see that.

#9 bakesgirls

Posted 04 December 2012 - 09:53 PM

I think the money should have been split equally between the two women for their gifts. I don't think it's OK to have such an obvious difference in gifts. The money people gave towards the gifts was for both women, not for one more than the other.

#10 Yomumma

Posted 04 December 2012 - 10:00 PM

Bit of a white worry.. so long as person A didn't care they got a cheaper present then who cares..

#11 blackbird

Posted 04 December 2012 - 10:14 PM

I would be annoyed but I would also accept the fact that by giving C the money I accepted what ever terms C had come up with, I couldve just said, no I don't think that is fair, I will only give in separate collections or I will just buy a gift myself.

#12 Lyn86

Posted 04 December 2012 - 10:20 PM

What is the difference in price?

#13 blackbird

Posted 04 December 2012 - 10:23 PM

QUOTE (Yomumma @ 04/12/2012, 11:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Bit of a white worry.. so long as person A didn't care they got a cheaper present then who cares..


Well of course A would say she doesn't care, if she did says she cared she would look greedy, if she really is as lovely as suggested she would be grateful for anything out of kindness. original.gif

No one I know would ever admit to disappointment aloud but inside they might feel a little hurt, there might be a new thread soon saying, "The lovely people at my work got me a wonderful baby gift and I am so overwhelmed with joy but I cant help wondering why B got such an expensive gift, maybe some people choose to only contribute to hers not mine? Im wondering if I have upset anyone?..""

#14 erindiv

Posted 04 December 2012 - 10:33 PM

QUOTE (blackbird @ 04/12/2012, 11:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well of course A would say she doesn't care, if she did says she cared she would look greedy, if she really is as lovely as suggested she would be grateful for anything out of kindness. original.gif

No one I know would ever admit to disappointment aloud but inside they might feel a little hurt, there might be a new thread soon saying, "The lovely people at my work got me a wonderful baby gift and I am so overwhelmed with joy but I cant help wondering why B got such an expensive gift, maybe some people choose to only contribute to hers not mine? Im wondering if I have upset anyone?..""


This pretty much sums up my opinion too. I wouldn't be offended, per se, but I'd be hurt, wondering why someone had been so obviously favoured.

I think it sounds like a bit of cattiness on C's part. This is why I never 'go in' on presents, I buy things myself.

#15 auldlangsyne

Posted 04 December 2012 - 10:42 PM

.

Edited by auldlangsyne, 03 March 2013 - 04:38 PM.


#16 QueenElsa

Posted 04 December 2012 - 10:50 PM

C is in the wrong.

Who likes who more or has more friends is irrelevant.  The presents should be equal, really it should be the same gift to avoid any suspicion of favouritism.

#17 casime

Posted 05 December 2012 - 04:03 AM

Person C was wrong.

But, that being sid, I think your DH is beinh hypocritical, seeing as he said that he' rather give more money to A than B.  If C had done it the other way around and spent more on A than B, would he still be complaining?

Also, could C have asked A what she wanted and A said she'd really like whateverit was which wasn't tht expensive, thereby leaving more money left over?

#18 Fanny McPhail

Posted 05 December 2012 - 04:34 AM

Ethically, C is in the wrong. She obtained money for both woman and should have split the pool equally. Most people I have worked with over the years would have bought identical presents for both woman thereby making it obvious to everybody that the money was split equally.

Having said that A probably won't notice and, if she is the type of lovely natured person you have described, she will just be pleased to receive a gift from her coworkers regardless of the cost.

#19 vitaechel

Posted 05 December 2012 - 05:12 AM

I would probably be a bit miffed too. C should have split the money equally. I doubt I would say anything as I am not one for confrontation, but it would colour my opinion of "c" from then on. Office politics are the pits sad.gif

#20 HRH Countrymel

Posted 05 December 2012 - 06:09 AM

If they both got something they are going to like then I can't really see a problem.  How big a disparity are we talking about?

If someone got a $150 present and one a $40 then yes that would be a bit obvious and rude, but if one was $100 and one $80 then no issue in my book.

The 'worst' work gift I ever got was one that was just utterly, utterly inappropriate to the reason I was leaving... it was the 'thought' that counted (ie: no thought at all) rather than the monetary worth that left me with a "Huh?" feeling (and left my former co-workers who were not party to the choosing rather annoyed)

#21 Nataliah

Posted 05 December 2012 - 06:25 AM

QUOTE (countrymel @ 05/12/2012, 07:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If they both got something they are going to like then I can't really see a problem.  How big a disparity are we talking about?

If someone got a $150 present and one a $40 then yes that would be a bit obvious and rude, but if one was $100 and one $80 then no issue in my book.

The 'worst' work gift I ever got was one that was just utterly, utterly inappropriate to the reason I was leaving... it was the 'thought' that counted (ie: no thought at all) rather than the monetary worth that left me with a "Huh?" feeling (and left my former co-workers who were not party to the choosing rather annoyed)


What was it?  I'm intrigued...

#22 MintyBiscuit

Posted 05 December 2012 - 06:37 AM

QUOTE (countrymel @ 05/12/2012, 07:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If they both got something they are going to like then I can't really see a problem.  How big a disparity are we talking about?


I tend to agree with this.

Maybe C went out with the intent of buying a specific thing for each that they would like, and the disparity in the money was just bad luck? I really don't see the issue. And I agree with a PP who is saying you're husband is being a hypocrite with regards to wanting to give more to A than to B. Maybe C realised that B was a little less well liked and that's why she combined the collection? I think having heaps collected for A and very little for B would've been a far worse situation.

#23 epl0822

Posted 05 December 2012 - 07:48 AM

Unless he contributed $100 and $95 went to the woman he dislikes, tell him to stop stewing.

If he likes A then he's free to purchase a gift for her himself.

A doesn't care, so why does he? Is he upset that A didn't get the big gift he thought she deserved, or because he hates B so much he doesn't want B to get absolutely anything?

#24 YodaTheWrinkledOne

Posted 05 December 2012 - 08:18 AM

I might be annoyed about it, but not much you could do about it now.  It would have to be a serious amount of unequal spending to make an impression with me though.  Example $40 to A and $60 to B wouldn't bother me.  But $10 to A and $90 to B would annoy me very much.

The person buying the gifts should have split the money 50/50 and spent that amount (or around that amount).  A little bit of wiggle room in the spending is fine though.  But yes, it does have the potential to be awkward for the receivers of the gifts if it is realised that one person received a gift worth much less than another person.  And the fact that person C is conscious of this issue means she does realise it could be awkward.  She knew what she was doing.  She just wanted someone to tell her it was okay (which is why she was confessing/chatting about it afterwards, to make herself feel better about it)

Too late now anyway.  Let it go, move on.

#25 JessMcA

Posted 05 December 2012 - 12:05 PM

Yeah, he wasn't planning  to do anything about it or anything! He just was feeling like he shouldn't be annoyed at all, whereas I didn't think there was anything wrong with him feeling a bit miffed. I'd have been the same I reckon.

To those who said he was being a hypocrite - I didn't mean to say he thought A should have gotten a bigger present than B. He'd still have felt obligated to contribute the same to both if both collections had come round at the same time (but separately) even though he likes A and not B. I just meant, if they hadn't happened to have babies at the same time, he probably would have offered his money differently for the different presents when they came up. Everyone gives different amounts depending on the day and who's being collected for, etc... I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It was more that, having given a 'joint' amount, he felt that at least the money should have been split jointly. And if A had mentioned a cheaper thing she was interested in, he thought C should have used the spare money to buy her some extra stuff to go with it or something.

Anyway, not the end of the world - just wanted to be able to reassure him that he wasn't being a jerk, just pretty normal!

Thanks everyone.




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