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UPDATED AGAIN - BFP #3 and not OK (M/C mentioned)

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#1 namesnamesnames

Posted 03 December 2012 - 07:28 PM

We had been TTC #3 for over two years, with 3 miscarriages in that time (four in total) as well as the death of my best friend to cancer. She was my biggest support and an amazing Mum, and I miss her very much. The last miscarriage without her was the hardest.

I truly felt that my 2nd child was not my last. It's taken me months to feel comfortable with not trying again - I don't think I could take another loss, especially without her. My two are 3 and 5, and are at a stage of real independence - no more dressing, no more nappies and just lovely to be around (most of the time!).

In the last two weeks I feel okay about no more kids. I'm okay with not wearing the maternity clothes I bought before the miscarriages. I'm okay with giving away the baby clothes (some of which are new). I'm okay with just two. I'm okay with moving on.

But yesterday I got a BFP. I can't feel happy about it. It's the first time in seven pregnancies that I don't know my dates. I'm not holding out any hope that this one will continue, and part of me can't wait for the 8-10 wk mark when all the other M/C have happened. And today, I just want to cry.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe someone feeling the same way will read it, and know they aren't alone...

Edited by namesnamesnames, 08 January 2013 - 09:18 AM.

#2 TillyTake2

Posted 03 December 2012 - 07:37 PM

I'm so sorry sad.gif Big hugs xx Maybe this one will be a fresh start, is it possible you are past the 8-10 week stage?

#3 namesnamesnames

Posted 03 December 2012 - 08:08 PM

Thanks. No chance to be that far along - more like 5ish+ weeks. This year has been such a blur that I really don't know...

#4 namesnamesnames

Posted 31 December 2012 - 07:58 PM

We had a scan today and heard a heartbeat, which just made me cry (and not in a good way). The sonographer was really nice and jovial, and jokingly said 'so, is this number 7 or 8?'. I wanted to reply with 'well actually, it is 7, but I only have 2 kids', but couldn't get the words out so DH had to answer for me. The sonographer really was sweet about it though...  

Tonight, I'm just sad. I've been waiting for this year to be over for a long time. Now it's over, I don't feel any better. I keep reading all this 'what was the best thing in 2012' and I can't think of one single thing. I have noone to share this secret or my feelings with, so anonymously over the internet seems to be my only option...

#5 jobo77

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:06 PM

bbighug.gif  I am sorry I have no wise words or advice from you but I hope that 2013 brings you some much deserved happiness and peace. A new year and hopefully a new beginning for your family xx

#6 flyingfree

Posted 01 January 2013 - 05:56 PM

I was in your position nearly 4 years ago.
After DS2 in 2004 I always wanted a fourth child, it took me just over 4 years to be happy and content with my 3 children and within 2 months I was pregnant.  It took a bit of adjusting but we were excitingly awaiting the arrival of our little girl.  Unfortunatley she was stillborn at 28 weeks.  With another 2 losses after her I know my family is now complete.
How are you now feeling about your pregnancy after seeing your baby

#7 namesnamesnames

Posted 08 January 2013 - 09:27 AM

I figured I might as well update this so it doesn't become one of those 'I wonder what happened' threads.

Yesterday was the start of my 5th M/C. I'm just over this. I didn't even bother pulling out the pregnancy guide books this time. I knew there was no reason to get excited and hope this one would stick, but we had started to talk about mat leave, and where the baby would sleep etc because you just can't help thinking about these things.

Thanks for your support rubylilysmum, jobo77 and tillytake2 and anyone else reading along with this train-wreck of a thread.

#8 little lion

Posted 08 January 2013 - 03:28 PM

I'm very sorry to hear your update. One mc is awful, that I know. I cannot imagine five. I understand you start to plan and dream and it is so hard when that's taken away.

#9 jobo77

Posted 08 January 2013 - 05:22 PM

I am so sorry to read your update and wish it could have been a better start to the year for you sad.gif

#10 Acidulous Osprey

Posted 08 January 2013 - 05:29 PM

I'm so sorry to read this.  It can be so bloody unfair sad.gif

#11 flyingfree

Posted 08 January 2013 - 08:17 PM

I am so sorry to read this heartbreaking news.

Its so hard not to start making plans for your baby to be and then have it taken from you, my last miscarriage I tried not to make plans but still did even if they were just in my head.

Take care of yourself and if you would like to catch feel free to PM me.

Mandy xxx

#12 Taystee

Posted 08 January 2013 - 08:28 PM

oh hon, i am so sorry sad.gif

#13 namesnamesnames

Posted 12 January 2013 - 09:41 PM

Doctors are idiots. I've had to answer the question 'why do you think you are having a miscarriage?' three times now. I've been here 4 times before. I know what is happening. Do you really need me to spell it out to you? Thank goodness for the midwives at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Service at the hospital. No stupid questions.

I have noone to talk to, and feel so desperately lonely. I tried to talk to DH, but he is a man and doesn't understand, and certainly is useless with the right words. I got so mad at him tonight that I left and went to my friend's grave. She can't talk back, but at least she listens...

#14 namesnamesnames

Posted 08 April 2013 - 01:49 PM

What's another update to a complete train-wreck of a thread...

2013 was supposed to be a better year. But here we are in April up to M/C number 6, at 9wks this time... so over this.

When do you just give up? The next one could be 'it' (well, that's what we thought this time...) or we could just be here in this miserable place again...

#15 Bazinga

Posted 08 April 2013 - 01:58 PM


Are you working with a FS? Do you know the reasons behind your MC?

#16 FaithHopeLove

Posted 08 April 2013 - 02:07 PM

bbighug.gif just wanted to say how sorry i am to hear you are going through this. have you talked to a counsellor? sounds like you really need the support.

#17 Libster

Posted 08 April 2013 - 02:15 PM

I am so sorry to hear this news sad.gif I had twins, then 2 miscarriages & if I had a third MC I'm not sure my heart could have taken it so I admire you for trying so many times. Just echoing Bazinga, if you are seeing a FS do they have any answers?

#18 itsmybaby

Posted 08 April 2013 - 08:12 PM

I'm really sorry to read this post. I don't know, how you handle this situation? Hope it will repeat in your life again.sad.gifsad.gif

#19 MissNess

Posted 08 April 2013 - 08:22 PM

I'm so sorry, I wish I had some great words for you. I hope that you get some answers as to why this is happening.

#20 ChilliDog

Posted 08 April 2013 - 09:14 PM

hugs OP ... so sorry to read your devastating news. I hope you get some answers soon xx

#21 TillyTake2

Posted 08 April 2013 - 09:30 PM

Oh I'm so sorry sad.gif

I didn't see your update last time but just saw this.

This is possibly a stupid question but have you had the miscarriages investigated? Seen an ob who specialises in multiple misscarriage? There is likely a reason given this is now 4 in a row. It is likely if they can find it, they can prevent it happening again, if you do decide you'd like to try again.

I have a friend who had 5 misscarriage in a row before being diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. Since starting treatment she has fallen pregnant again and is now 25 weeks so there is hope original.gif

Have you considered going to see a psychologist to talk thins through? I'd really recommend it.

Edited by TillyTake2, 08 April 2013 - 09:30 PM.

#22 namesnamesnames

Posted 09 April 2013 - 02:26 PM

Thanks for your support everyone.

OB has done lots of tests for the 'usual' suspects (lupus, chromosomes etc) but as far as they are all concerned we (DH and I) are 'normal'. Doesn't make you feel much better.

FS appointment on Monday - didn't expect to add another MC to the list before we could see them though.

Unfortunately a counsellor isn't really going to be able to do much. The only things that could make this better was for the one person I could talk to not to have died and these MCs not happen in the first place. Not much they can do for either of those things. Things can't get much worse, here's hoping they get better!

#23 zingy

Posted 11 April 2013 - 05:29 PM

I have only just read this topic and my heart goes out to you  hheart.gif hheart.gif  

I have been where you are. I had 1 child and had been trying to conceive my 2nd since the first was born. I had 4 m/c over 5 years and we had every test known to man but no cause could be found.

Even though I was ovulating naturally it seemed to be quite a late release. My OB ended up giving me Clomid and this regulated my O cycle. We ended up conceiving twins and I started taking progesterone pessaries as early as I could (before 4 weeks). The progesterone was definately the winner for us but I also think my eggs were hanging around too long before coming down for fertilization...the Clomid fixed this.

I have gone on to use progesterone in early pregnancy 2 more times with success. I did lose a bub last August at 29 weeks but this was not to do with any of the above, just a shocking chain of events.

I was wondering how you went with your FS on Monday?

I truly hope that you can find the answers and help that you need to keep going and get your happy ending.

#24 Missy Shelby

Posted 11 April 2013 - 05:36 PM

Life is just not fair sometimes OP, big hugs bbighug.gif xoxo

#25 namesnamesnames

Posted 21 May 2013 - 09:09 PM

Another update for those reading along...

The FS has run just about every possible test on both DH and I, and hasn't found a single thing. We are both 'normal' which would normally be a good thing.

She's given us three options - Clexane injections and progesterone pessaries daily until 12 wks in any future pregnancies, IVF for genetic selection of viable embryos (sorry, don't know the right IVF term for that) or just give up.

Right now, I think we will just wait and see. IVF isn't an option I could consider, so it's either injections that may or may not work or giving up.

Thanks for all your supportive messages...

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