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Would you be upset or have I overreacted
Christmas dinner invited then uninvited - update post 100

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#1 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 04:52 PM

I'll try and keep this short and to the point but am very upset and need outside opinions....

Ages ago, months and months my best friend suggested it would be nice to spend Xmas together this year. We've known each other for 6 years but have never done Xmas as they often go back to the UK or we've been elsewhere etc.  We're both from UK have practically no family here (just my brother).

Recently we've had several discussions about it, they have her DHs parents and nephew here but they've know about that for ages and the insinuation was it would be a big happy family Xmas (we've met them before no drama). They are going through some money troubes and we even offered to pay for all the food to help out. In another discussion I gently asked whether they woud consider putting their Jack Russell in kennels for the day as it has bitten my DS twice and me and other people several times. Offerred to pay but said if they weren't comfortable (appreciate the feral thing is their pet) maybe it coud be kept on a leash as the kids will be so excited and I don't want to have to watch them and the dog every second like I normally do. She agreed it was a great idea and best for all. (dog not the issue just showing that it had been discussed at length).

Anyway, I get a text from her today saying could we not do Christmas day and do boxing day instead as her DH just wants it to be family. I feel very hurt, I think it's beyond rude to invite people and then uninvite them. When I said as much she basically said she coud never even remember inviting us in the first place and had been just going along with it as she didn't want to upset me!!!

What's basically happened is she asked us and then never discussed it with her DH till today and he doesn't want us to come, she won't admit this so has tried to turn it around onto me.

I'm hurt and very angry. Both my parents are dead and Xmas is a difficult time of year, I was looking forward to a big family Xmas and feel kicked in the teeth and very angry that shes lying about inviting us. sad.gif

Would you be upset? (excuse mistakes DD ripped some letters off the keyboard so hard to type).

Edited by jo-v, 05 December 2012 - 02:02 PM.

#2 Mumma_G

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:03 PM

To be honest if they are having a tough time financially that is probably the real reason they have declined Christmas. Perhaps to embarrassed to admit this thought. I must admit that like the PP I find it rude that you asked her to put the dog in the kennel, yes i can understand your concern but kennel?

#3 Floral Arrangement

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:03 PM

The dog issue you actually lost me. I do agree that your friend has acted poorly and it all seems a bit weird. My oldest dd's boyfriend is from Scotland and has no extended family here it is quite common for them to organise and spend Christmas with other ex pats. Maybe you have made her upset re the dog and payment maybe a bit over zealous and is using her dh as an excuse??

#4 NunSoFeral

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:06 PM

I'd be upset.
She suggested it, you had discussed plans at length.
You were considerate to offer food money to offset the cost, especially given their money troubles
I agree - sounds like a backflip as she had not discussed it with her husband and he has put the kybosh on it.

She screwed up - she knows it and you know it.

If the friendship is dear to you, try and let it go, if you can.

#5 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:08 PM

We consider each other family and the kids call them auntie/uncle. She was fully in agreement re the dog as knows it has a tendancy to bite kids.

They had asked us for money a few weeks ago which we were happy to lend, have done before and visa versa. We oferred to pay for food on top of this to help out more.

#6 dulcinea

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:08 PM

I don't think the dog thing was rude, but that is not what the OP was asking anyways. I do think you just have to find some other way to celebrate and forgive your friend, Jo-V.

I would be feeling a bit hurt as well. However it is their prerogative how they want to spend Christmas, and plans can change. At least there is plenty of time to arrange something else. Just the way things are really.

#7 starfire

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:10 PM

To be honest, it went both ways - I think it was rude that you stipulated that SHE put her dog in the kennels just so your family could enjoy the day. Um, if someone ever told me that, I would have been offended. It also sounds like you were making the whole day sound like too much work, offering to pay money to do things etc.

So in saying that I can understand her DH deciding not to do the whole friends plus family xmas thing and deciding to just keep it family only.

Why can't you just have Christmas day with your own family by yourselves? It will still be a lovely special occassion even if its not a BIG family affair like you said you would have liked.

I would apologise to your friend and if she is still keen on doing boxing day, I would turn up and bring a plate.

#8 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:15 PM

My issue is is less that they want to do just family and more that she lied about inviting us, who the hell would invite themselves to someone else's house for Xmas? I get that her DH wans't happy with the plan and if she'd worded it differently maybe I wouldn't feel so hurt, I sure as hell don't owe her an apology.

I don't think gently asking if they would consider putting the dog in kennels to protect my kids is wrong, they have done this many times for parties because it can't be trusted.

#9 epl0822

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:16 PM

I'm sorry to hear...xmas holds a significant meaning for you and having a big get together obviously meant a lot too. And your friend has made plans with you, even going into specific discussions about food and dog etc - then went back on her word, didn't even have the decency to apologise, and now trying to blame you as a "misunderstanding."

Your friend acted poorly and should have clarified with her DH before making all the arrangements with you. Here's another thought though. Don't let this bother you or ruin your xmas. You don't necessarily need to have a big Christmas to have a good Christmas. Maybe from your childhood xmas has always been a big event but it doesn't always have to be like that. Invent your own xmas traditions and do something fun amongst your own DH and kids. Or invite people who don't have family around and see if they want to do something.

PS- I'm not really sure why the dog issue is being debated here. If a dog has bitten a child before and is prone to be unruly, it's not unreasonable for a guest to politely ask about keeping it away from children. It's not like you kidnapped the dog. What is wrong with making polite enquiries?

#10 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:21 PM

Maybe some posters are right and her DH got upset over the dog thing but she could have said that and as I said it's not like it's unusal for them to put it in kennels when small children will be around. I actually feel pretty guilty that I frequently allow my kids to be around the dog for the sake of our friendship but that's a whole other post.

I guess I need to calm down a bit as it's all very fresh at the moment and I am so hurt by her attitude.

#11 Guest_- Poppy -_*

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:22 PM

I can understand why she cancelled but it was bit lame to do it over a text message.

If I invited someone over for Chrissy lunch and they said yes but you have to put your dog in a kennel I would cancel too.

#12 Missy Shelby

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:24 PM

Who knows what pressure her dh has put on her about Christmas day?  Maybe she really wanted you guys there but he wasn't keen at all.

I think your friend is probably feeling like crap that she cancelled with you but it would be pretty hard if her dh just wants family.

I get the dog thing, if it has bitten your kids and other people if really should be secured on the day so it doesn't bite someone with all the excitement Christmas day can bring.

I would be upset and disappointed OP, you were looking forward to it and it would have been lovely for your family to have a big Christmas day but I am sure your Christmas day together will be just as special.

#13 Cranky Old Woman

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:28 PM

I would feel hurt and angry as well so I don't think you are overreacting.  And since I am a cranky old woman I would suddenly have other plans for Boxing Day as well.

Oh, and I would also stop lending them money.  I guess it all depends on how much you value her friendship but my life is too short to be dealing with people who think I'm good enough to borrow money from but not good enough to share a special day.  Yeah, I'm cranky.

#14 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:29 PM

I didn't say "you have to put your dog in kennels" I said "what are we going to do about K it's going to be so hard to keep an eye on the kids when they are running around excited", it was a discussion not an order.

#15 strawberry blondes

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:29 PM

I would be a bit upset and confused but I would try and carry on as normal and not let it effect the friendship.

#16 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:31 PM

Yes Cranky that's exactly how I feel, we're substitute family and alright to be leaned on, borrow from etc. when it suits but suddenly not family when it comes to Xmas day and can be blatantly lied about and made to look like idiots who invited themselves over.

#17 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:35 PM

I get that she's in a difficult position too and stuck between a rock and a hard place but instead of owning her mistake she's blatantly lied to try and cover her a**e with her DH.

Will we survive it? Probably, we've fallen out before and do tend to sort things out but right now I'm done and will be making special plans with my little family.

#18 emnut

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:40 PM

it doesn't actually sound to me like she has lied to you about it - you said that she suggested it would be nice to spend together but not necessarily that she directly invited you.  Then you have had conversations where you have made insinuations that it would all be going ahead at her place because of them having Xmas there with her DH's family so it is possible that she was just going along with what you said because she wasn't sure how to say no.  In turn, her DH has decided he wants to spend it with his family which is understandable.

If there was direct invitation made it would be different but your first post certainly didn't seem to indicate that.

ETA - I would have no problem with someone asking for my dog to be contained away from people visiting as she can be a PIA but would have a huge issue with a suggestion of putting a dog in a kennel for the day (I don't know of anyone who it is "normal" to do this for a day because people are visiting)

Edited by emnut, 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM.

#19 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

I would be a bit miffed especially the fact that she has pretended you invited yourselves over!

I don't think the dog thing is a big deal you ate obviously close with her and know her dog well.

I'm sorry you are disappointed sad.gif

#20 9ferals

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

I'd be a bit upset because I like to have plans and I would be disappointed that the plans have changed.
Having said that - now you've let off some steam and expressed your disappointment, probably the best thing to do is to accept that it isn't your choice, more than likely isn't about you - and just get on with planning something nice to do on Christmas day itself.

#21 mallowpuff

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:43 PM

I get your post OP - I'd be upset too. Try to put it behind you and concentrate on making Christmas with your own family a wonderful

#22 Gudrun

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:44 PM

1. Christmas really is so overrated and the cause of many tears.  Just give it up OP.  Looks like it's not compulsory for you.

2. Your 'friend' whoopsed big time not consulting her DH first re the guest list. Spousal rule broken.

3. It is wrong to uninvite, real wrong. Cross her off your list.

4. The dog is probably the real issue. The DH could have gone on about how the dog was family but you aren't or whatever and how dare you say their dog should be tied up.

5. I would have turned down the invite in the start on account of the dog but I would not have said anything.  Their place, their dog, their Xmas.   I keep well away from dogs and cats but I don't expect other people to adjust for me, especially for Xmas which is already full of stresses.

Have a happy Unxmas!   They can be the best.

#23 duran

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:45 PM

I can understand why you're upset as well, OP. It is disappointing that she's cancelled when you were looking forward to it.

I hope you and your family have a lovely day regardless.

#24 Foogle

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:46 PM

I'd be a bit upset because I like to have plans and I would be disappointed that the plans have changed.

This is probably how I would feel as well.  I completely understand her husband though not agreeing and wanting it to be a family thing.  That's just the way some people feel about Christmas.

As for the dog, I don't think that's the issue.  I have also farmed out both my dogs (to dog-loving friends) for the day when we have thrown a birthday party for DS here and I have known that some of the children attending are extremely frightened of dogs.  It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

#25 Funwith3

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:48 PM

Maybe its just a big miscommunication. Maybe she really doesn't remember inviting you? Maybe she got caught up in the excitement and now her husband isn't impressed. She has to side with her husband, even if she'd rather have you over. Maybe she finds it easier to let you think that you read too much into it, than to tell you the truth?

Anyway, its their prerogative to celebrate Christmas any way they chose. I'm sure its caused arguments for her at home. I'm sure she feels guilty about not having you on Christmas day... don't make it any harder by sulking. Just enjoy your own family Christmas and see them on boxing day.

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