Jump to content

Would you be upset or have I overreacted
Christmas dinner invited then uninvited - update post 100


  • Please log in to reply
97 replies to this topic

#1 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 04:52 PM

I'll try and keep this short and to the point but am very upset and need outside opinions....

Ages ago, months and months my best friend suggested it would be nice to spend Xmas together this year. We've known each other for 6 years but have never done Xmas as they often go back to the UK or we've been elsewhere etc.  We're both from UK have practically no family here (just my brother).

Recently we've had several discussions about it, they have her DHs parents and nephew here but they've know about that for ages and the insinuation was it would be a big happy family Xmas (we've met them before no drama). They are going through some money troubes and we even offered to pay for all the food to help out. In another discussion I gently asked whether they woud consider putting their Jack Russell in kennels for the day as it has bitten my DS twice and me and other people several times. Offerred to pay but said if they weren't comfortable (appreciate the feral thing is their pet) maybe it coud be kept on a leash as the kids will be so excited and I don't want to have to watch them and the dog every second like I normally do. She agreed it was a great idea and best for all. (dog not the issue just showing that it had been discussed at length).

Anyway, I get a text from her today saying could we not do Christmas day and do boxing day instead as her DH just wants it to be family. I feel very hurt, I think it's beyond rude to invite people and then uninvite them. When I said as much she basically said she coud never even remember inviting us in the first place and had been just going along with it as she didn't want to upset me!!!

What's basically happened is she asked us and then never discussed it with her DH till today and he doesn't want us to come, she won't admit this so has tried to turn it around onto me.

I'm hurt and very angry. Both my parents are dead and Xmas is a difficult time of year, I was looking forward to a big family Xmas and feel kicked in the teeth and very angry that shes lying about inviting us. sad.gif

Would you be upset? (excuse mistakes DD ripped some letters off the keyboard so hard to type).

Edited by jo-v, 05 December 2012 - 02:02 PM.


#2 Lady Garden

Posted 03 December 2012 - 04:57 PM

No I wouldn't be upset, most people generally want to spend Christmas with family.

I do think that it was rude that you asked her to put her dog in a kennel for the day. And making it seem about money, ie. offering to pay, makes it kind of worse.

And I'm not even a fan of dogs...

#3 Mumma_G

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:03 PM

To be honest if they are having a tough time financially that is probably the real reason they have declined Christmas. Perhaps to embarrassed to admit this thought. I must admit that like the PP I find it rude that you asked her to put the dog in the kennel, yes i can understand your concern but kennel?

#4 Floral Arrangement

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:03 PM

The dog issue you actually lost me. I do agree that your friend has acted poorly and it all seems a bit weird. My oldest dd's boyfriend is from Scotland and has no extended family here it is quite common for them to organise and spend Christmas with other ex pats. Maybe you have made her upset re the dog and payment maybe a bit over zealous and is using her dh as an excuse??

#5 NunSoFeral

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:06 PM


I'd be upset.
She suggested it, you had discussed plans at length.
You were considerate to offer food money to offset the cost, especially given their money troubles
I agree - sounds like a backflip as she had not discussed it with her husband and he has put the kybosh on it.


She screwed up - she knows it and you know it.

If the friendship is dear to you, try and let it go, if you can.


#6 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:08 PM

We consider each other family and the kids call them auntie/uncle. She was fully in agreement re the dog as knows it has a tendancy to bite kids.

They had asked us for money a few weeks ago which we were happy to lend, have done before and visa versa. We oferred to pay for food on top of this to help out more.



#7 dulcinea

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:08 PM

I don't think the dog thing was rude, but that is not what the OP was asking anyways. I do think you just have to find some other way to celebrate and forgive your friend, Jo-V.

I would be feeling a bit hurt as well. However it is their prerogative how they want to spend Christmas, and plans can change. At least there is plenty of time to arrange something else. Just the way things are really.

#8 starfire

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:10 PM

To be honest, it went both ways - I think it was rude that you stipulated that SHE put her dog in the kennels just so your family could enjoy the day. Um, if someone ever told me that, I would have been offended. It also sounds like you were making the whole day sound like too much work, offering to pay money to do things etc.

So in saying that I can understand her DH deciding not to do the whole friends plus family xmas thing and deciding to just keep it family only.

Why can't you just have Christmas day with your own family by yourselves? It will still be a lovely special occassion even if its not a BIG family affair like you said you would have liked.

I would apologise to your friend and if she is still keen on doing boxing day, I would turn up and bring a plate.

#9 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:15 PM

My issue is is less that they want to do just family and more that she lied about inviting us, who the hell would invite themselves to someone else's house for Xmas? I get that her DH wans't happy with the plan and if she'd worded it differently maybe I wouldn't feel so hurt, I sure as hell don't owe her an apology.

I don't think gently asking if they would consider putting the dog in kennels to protect my kids is wrong, they have done this many times for parties because it can't be trusted.

#10 epl0822

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:16 PM

I'm sorry to hear...xmas holds a significant meaning for you and having a big get together obviously meant a lot too. And your friend has made plans with you, even going into specific discussions about food and dog etc - then went back on her word, didn't even have the decency to apologise, and now trying to blame you as a "misunderstanding."

Your friend acted poorly and should have clarified with her DH before making all the arrangements with you. Here's another thought though. Don't let this bother you or ruin your xmas. You don't necessarily need to have a big Christmas to have a good Christmas. Maybe from your childhood xmas has always been a big event but it doesn't always have to be like that. Invent your own xmas traditions and do something fun amongst your own DH and kids. Or invite people who don't have family around and see if they want to do something.

PS- I'm not really sure why the dog issue is being debated here. If a dog has bitten a child before and is prone to be unruly, it's not unreasonable for a guest to politely ask about keeping it away from children. It's not like you kidnapped the dog. What is wrong with making polite enquiries?

#11 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:21 PM

Maybe some posters are right and her DH got upset over the dog thing but she could have said that and as I said it's not like it's unusal for them to put it in kennels when small children will be around. I actually feel pretty guilty that I frequently allow my kids to be around the dog for the sake of our friendship but that's a whole other post.

I guess I need to calm down a bit as it's all very fresh at the moment and I am so hurt by her attitude.

#12 Guest_- Poppy -_*

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:22 PM

I can understand why she cancelled but it was bit lame to do it over a text message.

If I invited someone over for Chrissy lunch and they said yes but you have to put your dog in a kennel I would cancel too.

#13 Missy Shelby

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:24 PM

Who knows what pressure her dh has put on her about Christmas day?  Maybe she really wanted you guys there but he wasn't keen at all.

I think your friend is probably feeling like crap that she cancelled with you but it would be pretty hard if her dh just wants family.

I get the dog thing, if it has bitten your kids and other people if really should be secured on the day so it doesn't bite someone with all the excitement Christmas day can bring.

I would be upset and disappointed OP, you were looking forward to it and it would have been lovely for your family to have a big Christmas day but I am sure your Christmas day together will be just as special.

#14 Cranky Old Woman

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:28 PM

I would feel hurt and angry as well so I don't think you are overreacting.  And since I am a cranky old woman I would suddenly have other plans for Boxing Day as well.

Oh, and I would also stop lending them money.  I guess it all depends on how much you value her friendship but my life is too short to be dealing with people who think I'm good enough to borrow money from but not good enough to share a special day.  Yeah, I'm cranky.

#15 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:29 PM

I didn't say "you have to put your dog in kennels" I said "what are we going to do about K it's going to be so hard to keep an eye on the kids when they are running around excited", it was a discussion not an order.

#16 strawberry blondes

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:29 PM

I would be a bit upset and confused but I would try and carry on as normal and not let it effect the friendship.

#17 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:31 PM

Yes Cranky that's exactly how I feel, we're substitute family and alright to be leaned on, borrow from etc. when it suits but suddenly not family when it comes to Xmas day and can be blatantly lied about and made to look like idiots who invited themselves over.



#18 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:35 PM

I get that she's in a difficult position too and stuck between a rock and a hard place but instead of owning her mistake she's blatantly lied to try and cover her a**e with her DH.

Will we survive it? Probably, we've fallen out before and do tend to sort things out but right now I'm done and will be making special plans with my little family.

#19 emnut

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:40 PM

it doesn't actually sound to me like she has lied to you about it - you said that she suggested it would be nice to spend together but not necessarily that she directly invited you.  Then you have had conversations where you have made insinuations that it would all be going ahead at her place because of them having Xmas there with her DH's family so it is possible that she was just going along with what you said because she wasn't sure how to say no.  In turn, her DH has decided he wants to spend it with his family which is understandable.

If there was direct invitation made it would be different but your first post certainly didn't seem to indicate that.

ETA - I would have no problem with someone asking for my dog to be contained away from people visiting as she can be a PIA but would have a huge issue with a suggestion of putting a dog in a kennel for the day (I don't know of anyone who it is "normal" to do this for a day because people are visiting)

Edited by emnut, 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM.


#20 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

I would be a bit miffed especially the fact that she has pretended you invited yourselves over!

I don't think the dog thing is a big deal you ate obviously close with her and know her dog well.

I'm sorry you are disappointed sad.gif

#21 9ferals

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

I'd be a bit upset because I like to have plans and I would be disappointed that the plans have changed.
Having said that - now you've let off some steam and expressed your disappointment, probably the best thing to do is to accept that it isn't your choice, more than likely isn't about you - and just get on with planning something nice to do on Christmas day itself.


#22 mallowpuff

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:43 PM

I get your post OP - I'd be upset too. Try to put it behind you and concentrate on making Christmas with your own family a wonderful
day.

#23 Gudrun

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:44 PM

1. Christmas really is so overrated and the cause of many tears.  Just give it up OP.  Looks like it's not compulsory for you.

2. Your 'friend' whoopsed big time not consulting her DH first re the guest list. Spousal rule broken.

3. It is wrong to uninvite, real wrong. Cross her off your list.

4. The dog is probably the real issue. The DH could have gone on about how the dog was family but you aren't or whatever and how dare you say their dog should be tied up.

5. I would have turned down the invite in the start on account of the dog but I would not have said anything.  Their place, their dog, their Xmas.   I keep well away from dogs and cats but I don't expect other people to adjust for me, especially for Xmas which is already full of stresses.


Have a happy Unxmas!   They can be the best.

#24 duran

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:45 PM

I can understand why you're upset as well, OP. It is disappointing that she's cancelled when you were looking forward to it.

I hope you and your family have a lovely day regardless.



#25 Foogle

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:46 PM

QUOTE
I'd be a bit upset because I like to have plans and I would be disappointed that the plans have changed.

This is probably how I would feel as well.  I completely understand her husband though not agreeing and wanting it to be a family thing.  That's just the way some people feel about Christmas.

As for the dog, I don't think that's the issue.  I have also farmed out both my dogs (to dog-loving friends) for the day when we have thrown a birthday party for DS here and I have known that some of the children attending are extremely frightened of dogs.  It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Share the little things that make you smile

We're giving away a Mountain Buggy nano, the ultimate travel stroller - and here are some of the great entries so far.

Toddler pleads for return of "stolen" nose

A two-year-old's reaction to a game of "got your nose" shows it doesn't take much to make a toddler cry.

The 15 photos new parents share (and five they don't)

From the first scan photo to the baby covered in cake at their first birthday party, there are 15 photos most parents seem to share - and some they don't.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

Breastfeeding friendly café goes viral

A photo of a breastfeeding-friendly sign in a cafe has been posted to Facebook and shared by hundreds of mums around the world.

First look at the Bugaboo Bee3

The newest Bugaboo Bee ? the Bee3 ? offers a variety of improved features, including a much asked-for bassinet and a rainbow of colour combinations.

Childcare costs, not paid leave, the real issue for parents

Given the choice between maintaining their wage for six months to have a child, or having a reduced rate of pay for a time but a better deal on childcare when returning to work, there are no odds on what most working parents would choose.

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

We lost three babies in two years

Our first pregnancy ended the way we all expected it to - with a healthy, happy baby in our arms. What a true blessing he was, for we were not to know the heartache we were about endure.

Family turned back from doomed flight MH17

'There must have been someone watching over us and saying, 'You must not get on that flight,' says mother who narrowly avoided boarding the Malaysian Airlines flight which exploded in mid-air over the Ukraine last night.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Adorable Skeanie loafers for kids

Your little toddler or preschooler can now get their nautical on with a new range of classic loafers by Australian show brand Skeanie.

My baby is hypermobile

For months, I have been telling myself not to worry that Jasmin isn't crawling or walking. This week I heard the term hypermobile for the first time.

When you don?t bond with your baby

They say that there is no bond greater than the bond between a mother and her child. But for some women, the mother-baby bond takes more time and effort to develop.

Yumi Stynes: Having a baby after a 10-year break

After a long break, Yumi Stynes gets a reminder of the pain - and the pleasure - of giving birth.

Grieving father asks for help to Photoshop his daughter's image

When Nathan Steffel's daughter Sophia died from a liver condition at just 6 weeks old, he reached out for someone to create a beautiful image of his little girl.

Raising kids in a 'low media' home

Can you imagine a life without TV or computers? Some parents are opting for a low-tech, screen-free life for their kids.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win a Mountain Buggy nano

We?re giving away the new Mountain Buggy Nano - the lightweight travel buggy! So show us the little things that make you smile for your chance to win.

Be careful what you say, your baby is listening

The importance of speaking to your baby even if they are not old enough to answer back has been highlighted by new research.

WIN two Sea-Bands plus $1000

Three lucky fans can win a Sea-Band Prize Pack valued at over $1000 each, which includes two Sea-Bands plus a $1000 Eftpos Gift Card!

The beautiful moment a baby was born at the side of a road

It's not where she expected to give birth, but mum Corrine Cinatl is delighted that her daughter's roadside arrival was captured in a series of beautiful photos.

Doctor sings first Happy Birthday to newborns

His job is to deliver babies, but this US obstetrician also has a unique way of celebrating the miracle of life.

The Nappy Collective starts new drive

It's that time of year when the dedicated volunteers at The Nappy Collective do their bit to help out mums and children in need - and they need your help.

Baby shower cake wrecks

From misshapen cake babies to questionable text, from odd colour choices to internal organ recreation, these are the baby shower cakes that taste forgot.

Photographer captures the beauty of adoption

The love of a family is usually tough to capture on camera. This is an exception.

Pregnancy progression photo ideas

Want to record your pregnancy as your belly grows? Here are some creative, fun ideas for photo shoots along the way.

The myths and facts about "normal" breastfeeding

When it comes to successful breastfeeding, there is a wide variety to what is "normal", according to new research.

Tin can craft and DIY ideas

Got a few old formula, Milo or coffee cans around the house? Use these fantastic upcycling ideas to create items for around the house and yard.

Dads meet their newborn for the first time

Emotional photos of two fathers meeting their newborn son have resonated with viewers worldwide, attracting thousands of Facebook likes and shares.

Skin safety isn't just a summer worry

Lax about the slip slop slap with your kids as weather turns cooler? Here's a reminder as to why we have to remain vigilant for our children?s future health.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

Creative sleeping baby photoshoots

See how some parents and photographers have captured sleeping babies in unusual positions and using different props.

DIY kitchen and food hacks

DIY your way to a better kitchen and make cooking easier with our clever hacks. (Some content reproduced with permission from mashable.com.)

Winter warmers for babies and toddlers

Your baby or toddler will be nice and snug in these beautiful and fun winter pieces. Most are hand-made or knitted, and they're all designed to keep your little one toastie - and adorable!

 

Mind, body, beauty, life

Making time for me

We look at your wellbeing, covering health, relationships, beauty and fashion, mind and body.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.