Jump to content

Would you be upset or have I overreacted
Christmas dinner invited then uninvited - update post 100


  • Please log in to reply
95 replies to this topic

#1 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 04:52 PM

I'll try and keep this short and to the point but am very upset and need outside opinions....

Ages ago, months and months my best friend suggested it would be nice to spend Xmas together this year. We've known each other for 6 years but have never done Xmas as they often go back to the UK or we've been elsewhere etc.  We're both from UK have practically no family here (just my brother).

Recently we've had several discussions about it, they have her DHs parents and nephew here but they've know about that for ages and the insinuation was it would be a big happy family Xmas (we've met them before no drama). They are going through some money troubes and we even offered to pay for all the food to help out. In another discussion I gently asked whether they woud consider putting their Jack Russell in kennels for the day as it has bitten my DS twice and me and other people several times. Offerred to pay but said if they weren't comfortable (appreciate the feral thing is their pet) maybe it coud be kept on a leash as the kids will be so excited and I don't want to have to watch them and the dog every second like I normally do. She agreed it was a great idea and best for all. (dog not the issue just showing that it had been discussed at length).

Anyway, I get a text from her today saying could we not do Christmas day and do boxing day instead as her DH just wants it to be family. I feel very hurt, I think it's beyond rude to invite people and then uninvite them. When I said as much she basically said she coud never even remember inviting us in the first place and had been just going along with it as she didn't want to upset me!!!

What's basically happened is she asked us and then never discussed it with her DH till today and he doesn't want us to come, she won't admit this so has tried to turn it around onto me.

I'm hurt and very angry. Both my parents are dead and Xmas is a difficult time of year, I was looking forward to a big family Xmas and feel kicked in the teeth and very angry that shes lying about inviting us. sad.gif

Would you be upset? (excuse mistakes DD ripped some letters off the keyboard so hard to type).

Edited by jo-v, 05 December 2012 - 02:02 PM.


#2 Mumma_G

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:03 PM

To be honest if they are having a tough time financially that is probably the real reason they have declined Christmas. Perhaps to embarrassed to admit this thought. I must admit that like the PP I find it rude that you asked her to put the dog in the kennel, yes i can understand your concern but kennel?

#3 Floral Arrangement

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:03 PM

The dog issue you actually lost me. I do agree that your friend has acted poorly and it all seems a bit weird. My oldest dd's boyfriend is from Scotland and has no extended family here it is quite common for them to organise and spend Christmas with other ex pats. Maybe you have made her upset re the dog and payment maybe a bit over zealous and is using her dh as an excuse??

#4 NunSoFeral

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:06 PM


I'd be upset.
She suggested it, you had discussed plans at length.
You were considerate to offer food money to offset the cost, especially given their money troubles
I agree - sounds like a backflip as she had not discussed it with her husband and he has put the kybosh on it.


She screwed up - she knows it and you know it.

If the friendship is dear to you, try and let it go, if you can.


#5 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:08 PM

We consider each other family and the kids call them auntie/uncle. She was fully in agreement re the dog as knows it has a tendancy to bite kids.

They had asked us for money a few weeks ago which we were happy to lend, have done before and visa versa. We oferred to pay for food on top of this to help out more.



#6 dulcinea

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:08 PM

I don't think the dog thing was rude, but that is not what the OP was asking anyways. I do think you just have to find some other way to celebrate and forgive your friend, Jo-V.

I would be feeling a bit hurt as well. However it is their prerogative how they want to spend Christmas, and plans can change. At least there is plenty of time to arrange something else. Just the way things are really.

#7 starfire

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:10 PM

To be honest, it went both ways - I think it was rude that you stipulated that SHE put her dog in the kennels just so your family could enjoy the day. Um, if someone ever told me that, I would have been offended. It also sounds like you were making the whole day sound like too much work, offering to pay money to do things etc.

So in saying that I can understand her DH deciding not to do the whole friends plus family xmas thing and deciding to just keep it family only.

Why can't you just have Christmas day with your own family by yourselves? It will still be a lovely special occassion even if its not a BIG family affair like you said you would have liked.

I would apologise to your friend and if she is still keen on doing boxing day, I would turn up and bring a plate.

#8 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:15 PM

My issue is is less that they want to do just family and more that she lied about inviting us, who the hell would invite themselves to someone else's house for Xmas? I get that her DH wans't happy with the plan and if she'd worded it differently maybe I wouldn't feel so hurt, I sure as hell don't owe her an apology.

I don't think gently asking if they would consider putting the dog in kennels to protect my kids is wrong, they have done this many times for parties because it can't be trusted.

#9 epl0822

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:16 PM

I'm sorry to hear...xmas holds a significant meaning for you and having a big get together obviously meant a lot too. And your friend has made plans with you, even going into specific discussions about food and dog etc - then went back on her word, didn't even have the decency to apologise, and now trying to blame you as a "misunderstanding."

Your friend acted poorly and should have clarified with her DH before making all the arrangements with you. Here's another thought though. Don't let this bother you or ruin your xmas. You don't necessarily need to have a big Christmas to have a good Christmas. Maybe from your childhood xmas has always been a big event but it doesn't always have to be like that. Invent your own xmas traditions and do something fun amongst your own DH and kids. Or invite people who don't have family around and see if they want to do something.

PS- I'm not really sure why the dog issue is being debated here. If a dog has bitten a child before and is prone to be unruly, it's not unreasonable for a guest to politely ask about keeping it away from children. It's not like you kidnapped the dog. What is wrong with making polite enquiries?

#10 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:21 PM

Maybe some posters are right and her DH got upset over the dog thing but she could have said that and as I said it's not like it's unusal for them to put it in kennels when small children will be around. I actually feel pretty guilty that I frequently allow my kids to be around the dog for the sake of our friendship but that's a whole other post.

I guess I need to calm down a bit as it's all very fresh at the moment and I am so hurt by her attitude.

#11 Guest_- Poppy -_*

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:22 PM

I can understand why she cancelled but it was bit lame to do it over a text message.

If I invited someone over for Chrissy lunch and they said yes but you have to put your dog in a kennel I would cancel too.

#12 Missy Shelby

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:24 PM

Who knows what pressure her dh has put on her about Christmas day?  Maybe she really wanted you guys there but he wasn't keen at all.

I think your friend is probably feeling like crap that she cancelled with you but it would be pretty hard if her dh just wants family.

I get the dog thing, if it has bitten your kids and other people if really should be secured on the day so it doesn't bite someone with all the excitement Christmas day can bring.

I would be upset and disappointed OP, you were looking forward to it and it would have been lovely for your family to have a big Christmas day but I am sure your Christmas day together will be just as special.

#13 Cranky Old Woman

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:28 PM

I would feel hurt and angry as well so I don't think you are overreacting.  And since I am a cranky old woman I would suddenly have other plans for Boxing Day as well.

Oh, and I would also stop lending them money.  I guess it all depends on how much you value her friendship but my life is too short to be dealing with people who think I'm good enough to borrow money from but not good enough to share a special day.  Yeah, I'm cranky.

#14 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:29 PM

I didn't say "you have to put your dog in kennels" I said "what are we going to do about K it's going to be so hard to keep an eye on the kids when they are running around excited", it was a discussion not an order.

#15 strawberry blondes

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:29 PM

I would be a bit upset and confused but I would try and carry on as normal and not let it effect the friendship.

#16 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:31 PM

Yes Cranky that's exactly how I feel, we're substitute family and alright to be leaned on, borrow from etc. when it suits but suddenly not family when it comes to Xmas day and can be blatantly lied about and made to look like idiots who invited themselves over.



#17 jo-v

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:35 PM

I get that she's in a difficult position too and stuck between a rock and a hard place but instead of owning her mistake she's blatantly lied to try and cover her a**e with her DH.

Will we survive it? Probably, we've fallen out before and do tend to sort things out but right now I'm done and will be making special plans with my little family.

#18 emnut

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:40 PM

it doesn't actually sound to me like she has lied to you about it - you said that she suggested it would be nice to spend together but not necessarily that she directly invited you.  Then you have had conversations where you have made insinuations that it would all be going ahead at her place because of them having Xmas there with her DH's family so it is possible that she was just going along with what you said because she wasn't sure how to say no.  In turn, her DH has decided he wants to spend it with his family which is understandable.

If there was direct invitation made it would be different but your first post certainly didn't seem to indicate that.

ETA - I would have no problem with someone asking for my dog to be contained away from people visiting as she can be a PIA but would have a huge issue with a suggestion of putting a dog in a kennel for the day (I don't know of anyone who it is "normal" to do this for a day because people are visiting)

Edited by emnut, 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM.


#19 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

I would be a bit miffed especially the fact that she has pretended you invited yourselves over!

I don't think the dog thing is a big deal you ate obviously close with her and know her dog well.

I'm sorry you are disappointed sad.gif

#20 9ferals

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

I'd be a bit upset because I like to have plans and I would be disappointed that the plans have changed.
Having said that - now you've let off some steam and expressed your disappointment, probably the best thing to do is to accept that it isn't your choice, more than likely isn't about you - and just get on with planning something nice to do on Christmas day itself.


#21 mallowpuff

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:43 PM

I get your post OP - I'd be upset too. Try to put it behind you and concentrate on making Christmas with your own family a wonderful
day.

#22 Gudrun

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:44 PM

1. Christmas really is so overrated and the cause of many tears.  Just give it up OP.  Looks like it's not compulsory for you.

2. Your 'friend' whoopsed big time not consulting her DH first re the guest list. Spousal rule broken.

3. It is wrong to uninvite, real wrong. Cross her off your list.

4. The dog is probably the real issue. The DH could have gone on about how the dog was family but you aren't or whatever and how dare you say their dog should be tied up.

5. I would have turned down the invite in the start on account of the dog but I would not have said anything.  Their place, their dog, their Xmas.   I keep well away from dogs and cats but I don't expect other people to adjust for me, especially for Xmas which is already full of stresses.


Have a happy Unxmas!   They can be the best.

#23 duran

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:45 PM

I can understand why you're upset as well, OP. It is disappointing that she's cancelled when you were looking forward to it.

I hope you and your family have a lovely day regardless.



#24 Foogle

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:46 PM

QUOTE
I'd be a bit upset because I like to have plans and I would be disappointed that the plans have changed.

This is probably how I would feel as well.  I completely understand her husband though not agreeing and wanting it to be a family thing.  That's just the way some people feel about Christmas.

As for the dog, I don't think that's the issue.  I have also farmed out both my dogs (to dog-loving friends) for the day when we have thrown a birthday party for DS here and I have known that some of the children attending are extremely frightened of dogs.  It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.


#25 Funwith3

Posted 03 December 2012 - 05:48 PM

Maybe its just a big miscommunication. Maybe she really doesn't remember inviting you? Maybe she got caught up in the excitement and now her husband isn't impressed. She has to side with her husband, even if she'd rather have you over. Maybe she finds it easier to let you think that you read too much into it, than to tell you the truth?

Anyway, its their prerogative to celebrate Christmas any way they chose. I'm sure its caused arguments for her at home. I'm sure she feels guilty about not having you on Christmas day... don't make it any harder by sulking. Just enjoy your own family Christmas and see them on boxing day.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Natural pain relief in the early stages of labour

While managing labour pains on your own can be daunting, there are a number of natural pain relief options to help you cope until you are admitted to hospital.

Chinese woman gives birth to quintuplets

After six years of trying for a baby, a couple’s dreams have come true many times over after the mum gave birth to quintuplets this week.

Five-year-old shoots nine-month-old brother dead

A nine-month-old baby boy died on Monday after he was shot in the head by his five-year-old brother in their grandfather's home.

'Is that baby yours?'

She is my daughter. I gave birth to her. I nurse her. But she doesn't have any of my genes.

Episiotomy in childbirth: not just 'a little snip'

Episiotomies have a place in maternity care – and can occasionally save lives – but should not be performed routinely.

Toddler aggression not caused by language delays after all: study

The logic was that children who don’t have the language to fully express themselves will lash out when they’re misunderstood. Not anymore.

Why we chose to adopt a child with Down sydrome

Everyone in foster care (and really in life) has something that makes them more vulnerable. We just know what our son's is.

Object of desire

Curvy mums make clever babies

Scientists appear to have discovered why women have evolved to have more curves than men – shapely thighs and bottoms lead to healthier babies.

'We'll make sure they know how much she loved them'

A first-time mum will never get to hold her four newborns, dying shortly after giving birth to the quadruplets.

The baby names NZ knocked back in 2014

A New Zealander has tried to name their baby Senior Constable but didn't get away with it - and numbering children is also a no-no.

How can you go into labour without knowing you're pregnant?

For most of us, the idea that a woman could carry a child to full-term without knowing she is pregnant is mind-boggling.

Will you get to the hospital in time?

Worrying your baby will be delivered by the roadside is a common concern for many mothers-to-be. So how likely are you to be caught short?

Video: Funny 'Lips Are Moving' parody just for mums

Meghan Trainor's song 'Lips Are Moving' was already a hit, but now it's been turned into a hilarious parody that is set to be very popular with frustrated mums everywhere.

Out with the clutter

Decluttering by the numbers: take the 30-day challenge

Forget the 5:2 diet - Twitter's 30-day declutter challenge will have your house back in shape in no time (well, a month).

Parents, don't be too hard on yourselves

We need to stop damning parents of today, and embrace their appetite for knowledge instead.

Is my baby normal?

There are chubby Buddha babies and there are thin, smaller babies. Neither are right or wrong, they are all 'normal'.

When an older sibling starts school

When one child goes to ‘big school’ and leaves the other behind, it can cause deep upset. Here's how to make the transition easier.

Stray cat saves abandoned baby

They say dogs are man's best friend, but one cat has proven felines can be just as devoted to their human companions.

How strangers are helping a mum's wish come true after her death

A mum of five, Liz Marquez wanted to breastfeed her premmie son for a year. So when she passed away suddenly, her friends - and strangers - stepped in to help.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Stars help save choking babies

It's an important lesson to learn, but one that busy new mums and dads might overlook until it's too late.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel pregnant

Actress Zooey Deschanel is expecting her first child with her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik.

16 times 'dad reflexes' saved the day

Of course, in some cases they may be the ones who actually got their child into a precarious position in the first place, but we'll ignore that for now.

Couple's 'non-traditional' pregnancy announcement goes viral

Knowing you are not the father of your pregnant wife's baby would usually indicate a rocky relationship ahead for traditional parents.

The trials and tribulations of identical triplet newborns

Pip Donnelly is still playing spot the difference with her newborn identical triplets, Isabelle, Georgina and Frankie.

Win an Octonauts prize pack

To celebrate the launch of Octonauts Live! Operation Reef Shield, a spectacular underwater adventure live on stage, we are giving away an amazing Octonauts prize pack to one lucky fan.

Earthquake baby thriving five years on

Jenny Alexis is lucky to be alive after spending four days buried in the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, but now she's a thriving five year old.

Please don't say I'm lucky because I was adopted

On the one hand I was having a regular life with friends and sports and sleepovers and school. But I was also always wondering: Did my mother love me? What was wrong with me?

An open letter to non-parents who offer advice on child-rearing

Kitty, when you’re the parent of my child you’re welcome to wade in with an opinion – but until then, I’d prefer you to have a supportive ear and a glass of wine ready.

Couple arrested over baby gun video

A US couple faces charges after investigators say they found mobile phone videos showing the woman's 12-month-old daughter putting a handgun in her mouth.

NSW Health dumps 10-year limit on frozen embryos

A 10-year time limit on storing frozen embryos that were created with donor sperm has been dropped by the NSW government.

How my happy-go-lucky husband became a monster

Sharan Nicholson-Rogers watched her husband change from a happy-go-lucky police officer into an unpredictable man prone to violent and emotional outbursts.

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes, too

Dads-to-be experience hormonal changes in line with their pregnant partners, a new study shows.

'They were just doing their job': mum of toddler killed in police chase gone wrong

"They were just doing their job. I feel so sorry for them. It is all just too sad."

Miscarriages to be formally recognised by NSW government

Women who miscarry will be able to obtain an optional "recognition of loss" certificate as a formal recognition of their often heartbreaking loss.

Cafe cubby house 'too noisy' for neighbours

Teenage parties, domestic disputes, or raucous late night pubs are the things that usually come to mind when you think neighbourhood noise complaints.

Dad films baby playing with snake

Most parents would not consider a snake an appropriate playmate for their baby, but a US dad who filmed his daughter playing with a python has defended himself against criticism.

Clever breastfeeding products

Check out this range of products designed to help make your breastfeeding journey more enjoyable, manageable and convenient.

Win with The Boxtrolls

To celebrate the release of The Boxtrolls on 3D Blu-ray, DVD & Digital with UltraViolet, we're giving you the chance to win a Boxtroll stationary package and DVD.

 

School Term 1

Get after-school care sorted

Wait lists too long at OSHC? Use www.findababysitter.com.au to meet local nannies now.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.