Jump to content

What's more selfish


  • Please log in to reply
31 replies to this topic

#1 nobodyreally

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:11 PM

Going anon.

What is more selfish, doing something you know will hurt somebody you love and they've asked you not to do it and you've promised a long time ago not to do it... or staying and dragging them down with you, wearing on them with your problems?

Is it sometimes right to hurt someone in the short term so they can get on with their lives after awhile? I always said I would never break a promise to the person I love, and I haven't yet, but what if its bad for them?

Both ways hurt me I only just want to do right by them.



#2 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:14 PM

Sounds tough OP. I do believe sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. If you are not in love with the person and they have asked you not to leave then I wouldn't stay, I would set them free.

I hope it is nothing too serious and you are not suicidal or anything. Please seek help if you need it.

#3 raone

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:15 PM

Depends on the situation. But it sounds like you would be taking a decision out of someone elses hands an that isn't fair.

#4 nup

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:17 PM

I'm ignoring your scenarios as I'm confused by them, but I think failing to negotiate is selfish.

#5 bakesgirls

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:17 PM

It's hard to know OP because there's not much information to go off.

Don't do anying rash OP. It sounds as though you could do with someone to talk to.

Edited by bakesgirls, 01 December 2012 - 11:30 PM.


#6 nobodyreally

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:18 PM

If I didn't love them it would be easy because I wouldn't be so afraid of making them sad or hurting them.

I worry that whatever I do I will hurt them and that I might twirl issues around to justify anything I decide to do. I don't  know what is truly best. I would just like a way to know what is truly in their best interest because then I would do that.

#7 ms flib

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:20 PM

It sounds like you need to get perpective on this. Sometimes we feel that people would be better off without us for all the wrong reasons.

If you love this person, then you need to find a way to work this out without hurting them.

Can you tell us more? Maybe we can help? Are you OK?

Otherwise see a counsellor or your GP or talk to a close friend before making any big decisions. Of call Lifeline etc.

All the best

#8 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:20 PM

QUOTE (nobodyreally @ 01/12/2012, 11:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If I didn't love them it would be easy because I wouldn't be so afraid of making them sad or hurting them.

I worry that whatever I do I will hurt them and that I might twirl issues around to justify anything I decide to do. I don't  know what is truly best. I would just like a way to know what is truly in their best interest because then I would do that.


It's  hard for us to answer without any information.

What is the best decision for you?

#9 raone

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:22 PM

Is this a you think he would be better off without you situation or a you don't feel happy in the relationship situation?

#10 nobodyreally

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:29 PM

I don't know if I am okay or not.

I used to know what I wanted and not do it because I promised them I wouldn't. They said it would hurt them too much and I figured I owed them that much, I didn't want to make them sad, and in time hell they'd probably change their mind anyway and then I'd have an out.

They never did change their mind.

I don't know if I'm getting better or getting more selfish. I don't want to be without them. I love everything about being with them. I can actually see a future. But is that what's good for them or just what's good for me?

#11 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:31 PM

Maybe some sort of counselling would help you?

#12 raone

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:34 PM

I agree with sunnycat sounds like you have alot of thoughts and feelings you need work out with someone not involved in the situation.

#13 nobodyreally

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:42 PM

The hilarious thing is I'm fairly up from where I was for a long time. At least I was used to down there!

I'm still an awfully messed up person. Would they be better off single? Able to get with someone less physically damaged and mentally odd? They could do soooo much better. I want to make sure that I'm not just being a vampire.

#14 KeepTheFaith

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:44 PM

Warning: discussion of suicidal ideation.


OP, I hope I am wrong about this, but to me your post reads like 'someone' who is considering suicide. Perhaps 'someone' who has considered it for a long time, but has tried to not think about it because it would hurt their partner. But now feels the partner is more hurt by them being around.

I'm really sorry if I've read this wrong. But if I'm right, even vaguely, please please please talk to a professional IRL. This sort of thinking is not necessarily the real "truth" of the situation- depression and suicidal ideation can cloud the best of times, and really mess with a persons judgement and ability to make helpful decisions.

Good on you for starting to reach out though original.gif

#15 Bob-the-skull

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:52 PM

QUOTE (KeepTheFaith @ 01/12/2012, 11:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Warning: discussion of suicidal ideation.


OP, I hope I am wrong about this, but to me your post reads like 'someone' who is considering suicide. Perhaps 'someone' who has considered it for a long time, but has tried to not think about it because it would hurt their partner. But now feels the partner is more hurt by them being around.

I'm really sorry if I've read this wrong. But if I'm right, even vaguely, please please please talk to a professional IRL. This sort of thinking is not necessarily the real "truth" of the situation- depression and suicidal ideation can cloud the best of times, and really mess with a persons judgement and ability to make helpful decisions.

Good on you for starting to reach out though original.gif


this was my first thought as well.

I hope i am wrong but please if this person could be intending self harm and feels that they are only not doing it to hurt someone then they need to get some help IRL.

They need to ring life line, mental health crisis team or someone who can come and be with them whilst these feelings are so strong and they can get in to see a professional.

#16 nobodyreally

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:58 PM

Is it normal to see everything sort of split-screened? I swear everything is split down the middle and I can see both realities and both look equally plausible all the time.

Things I am scared of are
a) completely ridiculous
and
b) completely plausible

at the same time.

I am normal looking and that makes sense in one way okay sort of just person-looking. Oh and I am also hideous. Things are pretty much okay and things will never be okay.

Have you ever had a panic attack while you knew it wasn't scary? Or refused to go to the mall because you'll be the ugliest thing there and people will be afraid of looking at you while you could simultaneously think "no that isn't right probably no one will notice you at all also objectively you aren't that astonishing-looking."

People always talk about go with your gut or trust your feelings and that doesn't make any sense. I almost never have just one set of feelings.

#17 KeepTheFaith

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:01 PM

Just in case: the number for Lifeline is 13 11 14. Calling them does not 'fix' the situation, but it can be a step in the right direction.

#18 nobodyreally

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:02 PM

QUOTE (KeepTheFaith @ 02/12/2012, 12:01 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just in case: the number for Lifeline is 13 11 14. Calling them does not 'fix' the situation, but it can be a step in the right direction.



For a long time I knew exactly what I wanted to  do and I only didn't because I promised not to. It hurt so bad to keep that promise but if it only hurts me I don't care.

I can't abide it hurting them though.

And now like I said I'm a little more up and I can see futures and things and that actually scares me. Isn't that screwed up? To be scared I don't always 100% have my exit plan. To worry what's wrong that I can't soothe on that image anymore and that I can go weeks without thinking of it.

I'm pretty sure that's not normal. Now I'm actually frightened that I don't always want what I wanted anymore. But I'm not sure if that's good.

I don't need to call Lifeline, I feel absurd using their time, what would I say "help, I'm scared, I'm not sure I want to kill myself anymore and I don't know what to do!!!"



#19 ALittleBitter

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:06 PM

OP, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time at the moment.

I can relate to alot of what you are saying, if you ever just want to have a chat feel free to PM me anytime.

And please, look after yourself. Lifeline definitely won't think you are absurd for calling them.

#20 Bob-the-skull

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:06 PM

they are not just there for those that are on the brink of self harm... they are there to help people who are having a hard time and need someone to just talk to so they can help you talk about what is happening in your head.

This is for everyone, please never feel like you would be wasting their time!

#21 KeepTheFaith

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:11 PM

OP, that sounds typical for someone who has experienced what is called an "invalidating environment". Most typically (but may not be your situation, so again, my apologies if I get it wrong), this occurs when a child has been abused.

Basically, the child learns that, although they have feelings on the abuse (be it physical, sexual or emotional), their feelings are "invalidated" by the perpetrator of the abuse, who effectively tells the child that THEY are wrong for feeling this way.

As an adult, it can mean that 'you' have thoughts and feelings you think are 'real', but you have not learnt to trust your ability to accurately judge the situation. So 'you' have multiple conflicting thoughts, all of which cause you to doubt yourself and your ability to 'know' anything.

Again, if this in any way sounds familiar to you, please seek help IRL.

#22 KeepTheFaith

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:21 PM

Ah, OP, I think I'm getting my head around where you are at.

I could tell you that Lifeline are there precisely to help people such as yourself, and that you deserve help, and a future, and I think you might struggle with that idea. A lot.

I think you are very frightened of losing your 'escape hatch'. Perhaps it has always been there, in the back of your mind, as a safety net, just in case things got too much. And now, instead of getting worse, things are getting better, meaning that you have less reason to keep the 'escape hatch' option- and this leaves you feeling like you are losing your safety net.

Do you have a counsellor, or doctor, who you can speak with?

#23 nobodyreally

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:32 PM

QUOTE (KeepTheFaith @ 02/12/2012, 12:21 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you are very frightened of losing your 'escape hatch'. Perhaps it has always been there, in the back of your mind, as a safety net, just in case things got too much. And now, instead of getting worse, things are getting better, meaning that you have less reason to keep the 'escape hatch' option- and this leaves you feeling like you are losing your safety net.


Yes. This. With a side of not being sure if I am becoming more okay or just more selfish. If it's true I can't trust how I've been feeling all this time (this is years remember) I can't trust how I am feeling now either. Am I dressing up draining the life out of people trying to help me?

If I had done it four and a half years ago would they be in a totally different, better place by now? Would everyone?

I had a strange childhood but not an abusive one really. Mostly as far as invalidating I only remember being told there was nothing to be afraid of, which at the time was actually untrue and there was plenty to be afraid of and I was aware of it.

Other stuff has happened between childhood and now and I don't know if it was abusive or if I'm spinning. I don't think it was all malicious it was just exactly what I didn't need, and I ripped along the seams?

I don't have anyone to speak with I haven't wanted to look for that but maybe that is weird too. I am just trying to think tonight, sorry for the self-indulgent thread.

Edited by nobodyreally, 01 December 2012 - 11:34 PM.


#24 Guest_Sunnycat_*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:37 PM

Please, please speak to someone, please call Lifeline.

#25 KeepTheFaith

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:47 PM

You are placing an awful weight on yourself, trying to work out whether people would be better off with or without you. I would suggest, scary as this may be to hear, that this is just as much THEIR choice as it is yours. And 'they' (in particular your partner) have chosen to stay. That says a lot about what your partner values in you, and your relationship, even if you are unable to see it.

Right now, it is really important that you focus on what you can do for yourself. Again, probably not where you want to direct your attention (well, possibly not in the context of "being kind to yourself"), but it is so important. You are, ironically, in a risky situation now that you feel somewhat better. And I'm guessing that 'better' feels quite strange, at times. But at least you know it is possible.

Sorry if this is starting to sound like a ramble- and please feel free to discard whatever I get wrong.

Do you have someone, a professional, you can talk to IRL?

Edited by KeepTheFaith, 01 December 2012 - 11:49 PM.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Get your FREE Baby & Toddler Show ticket!

Get your free ticket to the Sydney Essential Baby & Toddler Show for September 25-27 - register online now.

A solo birth, a wasp swarm and a forest fire: mum and baby's amazing story of survival

Desperate, out of petrol and low on food, a new mother lit a fire in the hope of attracting attention.

Boy found on swing died of hypothermia and dehydration, autopsy finds

The story was chilling and heartbreaking: a three-year-old boy was found dead in a Southern Maryland park, his mother pushing him on the swing.

Child's play and laughter help battle fatigue

Feeling fatigued? Uh-huh, thought as much. Join the queue.

Dad shares entertaining 'how to hold a baby' clip

For many new dads, their own child is the first baby they have ever held. So one dad has posted an instructive YouTube video titled "How to Hold a Baby".

The Australian baby with 100,000 Facebook fans

She may be only eight months old, but Egypt has already amassed more than 100,000 fans and received a letter from royalty - Hollywood royalty that is.

Public welcome outside church for Princess Charlotte's christening

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have invited well-wishers to see Princess Charlotte outside church in Sandringham on day of her baptism.

Tongue tie: what you need to know

Tongue and lip tie can lead to many problems for babies - and their parents. Here are the signs of tongue tie and how it's treated.

My daughter is small but that doesn't matter

My daughter may be small, but it's my job as her parent to refocus back where it belongs - on who she is as a person

Wet wipes linked to rise in allergic reactions

The government has issued a health warning after a rise in allergic skin reactions has been linked to a preservative found in some wet wipes.

Gay couple in their 80s first to wed in Dallas after Supreme Court ruling

Love may have won, but it came with quite the wait.

William Tyrrell's family marks birthday with cake and renewed appeal

The family of missing boy William Tyrrell will mark his fourth birthday on Friday making a cake to share with friends and family as NSW police renewed their public appeal for information on his disappearance.

What all parents should know about safe babywearing

A picture of Ryan Reynolds always gets the girls talking, and a recently shared photo has done exactly that - but this time, it's for all the wrong reasons.

Baby's head shape reveals potentially fatal condition

Thinking her baby just had an unusually shaped head, a mother was shocked to discover it was instead linked to a dangerous condition.

'Help - my toddler hits me!'

My toddler has started hitting when he gets frustrated, is feeling ignored, or just thinks it might be fun.

Why IVF success rates may not be what you think

Transparency, accountability and responsibilityare essential measures to protect IVF vulnerable patients.

On the 10th anniversary of my son's death

This day marks a significant day. Today marks 10 years since I lost my son Kai.

Mother-in-law 'from hell' inspires survival guide

The happily ever after Nicola Milan had imagined wasn't to be – and she blames her mother-in-law.

Name your baby Quinoa, win a $10K gift card

Choosing a name for your little bundle of joy is always a major decision. It can be something traditional, trendy, creative … or inspired by the menu of your favourite chain restaurant.

Owning a pair of nail scissors does not make me a hairdresser

It's been a whole year since sleeping in until 10am. A whole year since having a peaceful shower.

The 83 children who were tragically let down in the last decade

Over a 10-year period, 83 children died from domestic violence abuse in NSW, with three quarters of the victims aged five years or under, the NSW Ombudsman has revealed.

Expert Q&A: Gross motor skill development in toddlers and preschoolers

Dr Katie Heathershaw answers questions about jumping, toe walking, riding a bike and being pigeon toed.

Is it reasonable to expect your partner to give up drinking in pregnancy?

From the moment that I fell pregnant with my son, I realised just how much my life had already started to change.

Stroke victim joins class action against makers of popular contraceptive pill

"I was terrified I would always be this way. The pill needs to come with a much higher warning."

Sexy time

Why you should get excited about scheduling sex

Unfortunately, the belief that sex should always be spontaneous is a myth. It just isn't.

When newborn photoshoots get messy

When it comes to newborn photoshoots, it is all about the timing.

Orphaned baby daughter Ayla wakes from coma

Former All Black Jerry Collins' critically injured orphaned daughter has awoken from her coma and is able to bottle-feed.

Dad takes miraculous catch while feeding baby

One American father has taken multitasking to a new level at a Cubs-Dodgers baseball game at Wrigley Field.

'Samuel is our firstborn, and he will never be forgotten'

Having lost their firstborn at one day old, the Carrolls were overjoyed to welcome their daughter Isobel into the world a year later.

Channel 10's Sarah Harris expecting first child

The Studio host Sarah Harris doesn't mind if her first baby is a boy or girl, but she does hope it is born with one thing in particular.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

27 funny ultrasound pictures

Ultrasounds give you a look at your growing baby ... and sometimes what appears to their womb-buddy, or your bub in an amusing position.

The top 6 misleading parenting terms

From 'morning sickness' to 'the terrible twos', there are many parenting terms that are misleading.

When 'good' nannies go bad

While most nannies take pride in their work, there can be some who have a hidden side.

Woman hospitalised for skinny jeans injury

Beware: skinny jeans might be bad for your health.

Gauze seeding: the bacteria-breeding birth trend

A number of women having caesarean deliveries are now taking steps to give their baby a better 'microbiome' start in life.

Jimmy Fallon writes new children's book for dads

Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC's The Tonight Show, recently wrote a children's book about every father's secret wish for their baby's first word to be "dada" - not "mama".

28 names for babies born in winter

Looking for some baby name inspiration for a bub born during the colder months? Here are 28 options from around the world to consider.

The horrible act that sparked a brawl at child's birthday party

The uncle of the seven-year-old girl at the centre of the brawl at child's birthday party in Sydney's west has described the events leading up to the alarming show of violence.

Babies 'benefit from iPads at a young age': study

More often than not, you'll read that screen time for children should be kept to a minimum - but some scientists are now challenging this way of thinking.

Do mums really just obsessively talk about their children?

Natalie Reilly describes three main types of conversations mothers have. And, surprise, they're not all about kids.

Why some dogs might attack babies or young kids

A baby's smell, the noises it makes and even its gaze can contribute to the potential for a dog attack.

Mum demands refund for 'beargina' christening cake

It was meant to be a tasteful cake to help celebrate a three-year-old's christening.

5 things no one warns you about after giving birth

How many times have you been warned about all the sleepless nights you have to 'look forward to' when you become a parent?

Police officer sang nursery rhyme as heartbreaking photo was taken

A police officer arrived at a devastating scene on Thursday: a car crash resulting in all passengers being thrown from the vehicle.

Don't worry, working mums: Just leave Dad in charge at home

Want to open the boardroom doors for women? Encourage - heck, praise - dads who stay home with their children.

Hilaria Baldwin shares post-baby selfie

Just two days after giving birth, actor Alec Balwin's wife posted a post-baby picture on social media.

'Help - my child won't ever do what I ask!'

Compliance is part of the parent-child relationship, but so is resistance. It's all natural.

Postnatal depression support gets $23 million boost in NSW

The Baird government will include $22.8 million in Tuesday's NSW budget to expand a program designed to help parents at risk of postnatal depression (PND).

'I'm just as tired, scared and stressed as you': stay-at-home dad's plea

I'm really lucky to have two great kids, but I found it really tough with so much being aimed at the mothers and not the fathers.

 

Win $500

WIN A $500 VISA DEBIT CARD

Are you are parent or planning to be? We want to know what you think - let us know and you'll be in the draw to win a $500 gift card.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.