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I need a laugh..
Tell me the funniest thing you know


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#1 3'sACharm

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:08 PM

As per title...I need a laugh.

Please??

#2 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:17 PM

This made me laugh.
This morning before going out I asked DD if she wanted to get changed, she says yes and then lists of clean bum, pants, top, shoes.
By the shoes and socks I was just yes'ing without really listening, she must have picked it cos then she goes sunnies, happy meal?
.
She was so close to getting a yes, then I clicked and just burst out laughing and said 'good try'
I swear I heard her say damn as she walked of.
I swear to smart for her own good some days!

#3 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:25 PM

Not the funniest but made me chuckle.

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"


#4 The Awesome One

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:36 PM

I'll teach you a Christmas song we sang as a kid

Joy to the world, the teacher's dead
we barbecued her head
what happened to her body
we flushed it down the potty
and around and around it goes
and around and around it goes
and around, and a round, and around it goes

#5 snortle

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:17 PM

Ok this is seriously the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me- I am blushing and cringing right now just remembering it.

This better make you feel better lol

Ok so after I had DS I was a mess "downstairs". I had a prolapse party going on and all my internal organs were invited.

Well after a few months post birth I realised things weren't going back to normal so I went off to the GP who referred me to a colorectal surgeon for an assessment of what she believed was a rectal prolapse, so off I went to meet this chap.

I had to take off my skirt and knickers and he began to feel around- yeah not fun I can tell you!
So he was having some difficulty finding my supposed rectal prolapse (because -thanks a lot GP- turns out it WASN'T that at all), so he got quite close up to my butt and asked me to cough really hard.

So.... I did and he was right there and I let out this ripper fart right in his face.
I swear to all that is holy his hair swished in the wind from the force of this fart and it was so loud I'm certain that they heard it in the unusually quiet waiting area.

So his eyes went wide  oomg.gif but he was so professional he just acted LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Then I was like OMG what do I do?! Should I apologise- of course I just farted IN THIS GUYS MOUTH practically. But he was ignoring it- should I ignore it also?! This convo happened in my head (totally normal...) in a matter of moments, I ended up apologising profusely and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

He still acted like it was nothing and the whole thing was SO excruciating I felt like I wanted to burst out laughing and crying. He finished up after that- can you blame him? And as I was getting dressed I got the biggest case of the giggles. I was trying to stifle my laughter and my whole body was shaking because I kept thinking he would see me laughing and think what kind of SICK FREAK farts fresh and directly into someones face when they are 2cm away from their bunghole and then LAUGHS about it?!!!?!?! This awful awful experience lasted another 5 minutes which might as well have been 17.5 hours to me, I want to die thinking about it!

I have had fertility treatments and three babies vaginally- dont get me wrong I have had more than my share of people look up my clacker but there is a difference when your fart is directed right up your doctors nostrils.

Thank God it didnt smell thats all I can say!



#6 **Xena**

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:19 PM



#7 kez71

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:21 PM

snortle..im crying with laughter here..thanks!!

#8 Poughkeepsie

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:22 PM

Oh snortle, I don't know about the OP, but I just cracked up reading that! My kids think I'm mental, I laughed that hard....thank you for sharing original.gif

#9 R2B2

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:25 PM

holy crap Snortle - I laughed until I cried.
that is one of the funniest things i've ever heard!
You have made my year!

and here I was thinking letting one rip in the bath during labour was humiliating  grin.gif


#10 The Awesome One

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:30 PM

Snortle DH and I thank you for that amazing story  roll2.gif

#11 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:32 PM

snortle, that is HILARIOUS.... so awesome... maybe not for the Dr, but for the rest of us, pure gold!

#12 Lazycow

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:33 PM

Oh snortle, I'm laughing so hard I've got tears streaming down my face. roll2.gif

#13 notjustyet

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:54 PM

Xena, I literally laughed til I cried.

Thank you for the LOTR Meme!

#14 SkyeMummy

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:56 PM

Oh Snortle - priceless!!

#15 Froger

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:25 PM

If your friends were cats and dogs.

Cat friend vs dog friend.

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2012/11...dog-friend.html

#16 *-*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:43 PM

Can't type, laughing.  Gold, pure gold Snortle!

#17 *-*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:43 PM

Can't type, laughing.  Gold, pure gold Snortle!

#18 #YKG

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:51 PM

OMG Snortle I'm in tears laughing. That was priceless!

#19 lynneyours

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:53 PM

QUOTE (snortle @ 01/12/2012, 10:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
he was right there and I let out this ripper fart right in his face.
I swear to all that is holy his hair swished in the wind from the force of this fart and it was so loud I'm certain that they heard it in the unusually quiet waiting area.

So his eyes went wide  oomg.gif but he was so professional he just acted LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Then I was like OMG what do I do?! Should I apologise- of course I just farted IN THIS GUYS MOUTH practically. But he was ignoring it- should I ignore it also?! This convo happened in my head (totally normal...) in a matter of moments, I ended up apologising profusely and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

He still acted like it was nothing and the whole thing was SO excruciating I felt like I wanted to burst out laughing and crying. He finished up after that- can you blame him? And as I was getting dressed I got the biggest case of the giggles. I was trying to stifle my laughter and my whole body was shaking because I kept thinking he would see me laughing and think what kind of SICK FREAK farts fresh and directly into someones face when they are 2cm away from their bunghole and then LAUGHS about it?!!!?!?! This awful awful experience lasted another 5 minutes which might as well have been 17.5 hours to me, I want to die thinking about it!

I have had fertility treatments and three babies vaginally- dont get me wrong I have had more than my share of people look up my clacker but there is a difference when your fart is directed right up your doctors nostrils.

Thank God it didnt smell thats all I can say!


roll2.gif   oh, I have tears rolling down my face.  I'm only surprised you didn't get the giggles straight away.  Think I would have...  ph34r.gif

#20 lynneyours

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:00 AM

My most recent funny:  

We took DD's to the swimming pool a few weeks ago, and went into the family change room in the middle afterwards, surrounded by all the other single change rooms.  We've changed and showered together many times, this is not new.

So, DH is having a shower, and DD1 (4.5) LOUDLY exclaims "Daddy - your bottom isn't the same as Mummy, Taylor or me!  Your bottom is like a snake!"
roll2.gif  
cue snorts, sniggers and stiffled laughter from surrounding cubicles and me bent double with tears rolling down my face laughing, whilst DH is preening going "hear that? snake!" and nodding his head.  
Cue more sniggers and snorts, especially from me.

When we exited, there were a few people lingering who looked DH up and (rather especially) down.  roll2.gif  perhaps they wanted to see old trousersnake ph34r.gif

#21 **Xena**

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:19 AM

snortle your story reminded me of this one:
QUOTE
It was about five years ago.  I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs.  That’s when I met my husband, Rob.  On our first date, he booked the next two.  He liked me.  I liked him.  Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked.  I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry.  Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing.  Was this love?

That’s when it happened.  Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying.  I thought I was dying.  Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it.  The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.  Then I realized …

My God, help me.  I have a horrendous fart on deck.  I’m in trouble.  Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs.  I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad?  What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me.  There was nothing I could do.  As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands.  Slowly, it eeked out.  The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door.  However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound.  I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip.  Ok, maybe I got away with it.  Maybe I’m home free.  Then it hit me.  Not an idea, a cloud.  A horrific, fart cloud.  Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way.  More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked.  “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it!  UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him.  I could see it in his eyes.  Was it surprise?  Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!”  As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably.  I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped.  Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos.  We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire.  We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.  We both gulped in fresh air.  I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home.  Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it.  Rob’s voice.  Right.  Outside.  My.   Bathroom.  Door.

“Anna?  You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open.  Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry.  Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there.  I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re …”

“I’m fine!  Get away from the door!”

This man!  I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away.  I thought that was the last I’d hear from him.  I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did.  A couple days later, actually.  Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs.  You saved us.  You saved our destiny.

Edited by **Xena**, 02 December 2012 - 12:19 AM.


#22 Cretaceous

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:31 AM

OMG I have tears streaming down my face. Priceless.

#23 lynneyours

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:31 AM

Xena.   roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif    
can't see, can't breathe.  OMG. funniest thing I've read on the internet. Ever.

#24 Glowworm80

Posted 02 December 2012 - 02:31 AM

Well my story is not as funny as Xena's, I mean how can one top that?!

A couple of weeks ago I was at the international airport to pick up someone. So while I was waiting I see these two women (looked like mom and daughter)  walk/run excitedly up to this recent arrival saying hi, how are you?! How was the flight? Big hugs and mouth kisses follow Passenger smiles warily, says fine, makes chit chat for about a minute.

Then i think it dawns on the duo that the arrival's not overly friendly. Daughter says Karen..? You are Karen...right? Recent arrival says no...Daughter says did you get off the flight from South Africa? Passenger says no, Bali!

Mother and daughter go beet red, mumble apologies, passenger looks a bit bewilded but gracious enough to say oh I have one of those faces. Mother and daughter blend (quickly) back into the waiting crowd (who are trying to hold back laughter, and look away)

A few minutes later I hear them argueing amongst themselves. The daughter is saying to her mom and teen daughters, I am not the only stupid one here, you hugged and kissed her! And they look so much alike! Don't you think so Mom?

I was very curious to see what Karen would look like. She was at least 10kg heavier and 15 years younger then the poor arrival. And to be honest except for the blonde hair they didn't alike at all!




#25 Praetor VitaeChel

Posted 02 December 2012 - 02:47 AM

Thank you Snortle and Xena - I needed those giggles! biggrin.gif




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