Jump to content

I need a laugh..
Tell me the funniest thing you know


  • Please log in to reply
57 replies to this topic

#1 3'sACharm

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:08 PM

As per title...I need a laugh.

Please??

#2 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:17 PM

This made me laugh.
This morning before going out I asked DD if she wanted to get changed, she says yes and then lists of clean bum, pants, top, shoes.
By the shoes and socks I was just yes'ing without really listening, she must have picked it cos then she goes sunnies, happy meal?
.
She was so close to getting a yes, then I clicked and just burst out laughing and said 'good try'
I swear I heard her say damn as she walked of.
I swear to smart for her own good some days!

#3 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:25 PM

Not the funniest but made me chuckle.

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"


#4 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:36 PM

I'll teach you a Christmas song we sang as a kid

Joy to the world, the teacher's dead
we barbecued her head
what happened to her body
we flushed it down the potty
and around and around it goes
and around and around it goes
and around, and a round, and around it goes

#5 snortle

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:17 PM

Ok this is seriously the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me- I am blushing and cringing right now just remembering it.

This better make you feel better lol

Ok so after I had DS I was a mess "downstairs". I had a prolapse party going on and all my internal organs were invited.

Well after a few months post birth I realised things weren't going back to normal so I went off to the GP who referred me to a colorectal surgeon for an assessment of what she believed was a rectal prolapse, so off I went to meet this chap.

I had to take off my skirt and knickers and he began to feel around- yeah not fun I can tell you!
So he was having some difficulty finding my supposed rectal prolapse (because -thanks a lot GP- turns out it WASN'T that at all), so he got quite close up to my butt and asked me to cough really hard.

So.... I did and he was right there and I let out this ripper fart right in his face.
I swear to all that is holy his hair swished in the wind from the force of this fart and it was so loud I'm certain that they heard it in the unusually quiet waiting area.

So his eyes went wide  oomg.gif but he was so professional he just acted LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Then I was like OMG what do I do?! Should I apologise- of course I just farted IN THIS GUYS MOUTH practically. But he was ignoring it- should I ignore it also?! This convo happened in my head (totally normal...) in a matter of moments, I ended up apologising profusely and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

He still acted like it was nothing and the whole thing was SO excruciating I felt like I wanted to burst out laughing and crying. He finished up after that- can you blame him? And as I was getting dressed I got the biggest case of the giggles. I was trying to stifle my laughter and my whole body was shaking because I kept thinking he would see me laughing and think what kind of SICK FREAK farts fresh and directly into someones face when they are 2cm away from their bunghole and then LAUGHS about it?!!!?!?! This awful awful experience lasted another 5 minutes which might as well have been 17.5 hours to me, I want to die thinking about it!

I have had fertility treatments and three babies vaginally- dont get me wrong I have had more than my share of people look up my clacker but there is a difference when your fart is directed right up your doctors nostrils.

Thank God it didnt smell thats all I can say!



#6 **Xena**

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:19 PM



#7 kez71

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:21 PM

snortle..im crying with laughter here..thanks!!

#8 Poughkeepsie

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:22 PM

Oh snortle, I don't know about the OP, but I just cracked up reading that! My kids think I'm mental, I laughed that hard....thank you for sharing original.gif

#9 R2B2

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:25 PM

holy crap Snortle - I laughed until I cried.
that is one of the funniest things i've ever heard!
You have made my year!

and here I was thinking letting one rip in the bath during labour was humiliating  grin.gif


#10 Feral Madam Mim

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:30 PM

Snortle DH and I thank you for that amazing story  roll2.gif

#11 FluffyOscar

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:31 PM

Snortle, that was hilarious, I have tears on my face!

#12 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:32 PM

snortle, that is HILARIOUS.... so awesome... maybe not for the Dr, but for the rest of us, pure gold!

#13 Lazycow

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:33 PM

Oh snortle, I'm laughing so hard I've got tears streaming down my face. roll2.gif

#14 notjustyet

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:54 PM

Xena, I literally laughed til I cried.

Thank you for the LOTR Meme!

#15 SkyeMummy

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:56 PM

Oh Snortle - priceless!!

#16 Froger

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:25 PM

If your friends were cats and dogs.

Cat friend vs dog friend.

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2012/11...dog-friend.html

#17 *-*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:43 PM

Can't type, laughing.  Gold, pure gold Snortle!

#18 *-*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:43 PM

Can't type, laughing.  Gold, pure gold Snortle!

#19 #YKG

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:51 PM

OMG Snortle I'm in tears laughing. That was priceless!

#20 lynneyours

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:53 PM

QUOTE (snortle @ 01/12/2012, 10:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
he was right there and I let out this ripper fart right in his face.
I swear to all that is holy his hair swished in the wind from the force of this fart and it was so loud I'm certain that they heard it in the unusually quiet waiting area.

So his eyes went wide  oomg.gif but he was so professional he just acted LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Then I was like OMG what do I do?! Should I apologise- of course I just farted IN THIS GUYS MOUTH practically. But he was ignoring it- should I ignore it also?! This convo happened in my head (totally normal...) in a matter of moments, I ended up apologising profusely and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

He still acted like it was nothing and the whole thing was SO excruciating I felt like I wanted to burst out laughing and crying. He finished up after that- can you blame him? And as I was getting dressed I got the biggest case of the giggles. I was trying to stifle my laughter and my whole body was shaking because I kept thinking he would see me laughing and think what kind of SICK FREAK farts fresh and directly into someones face when they are 2cm away from their bunghole and then LAUGHS about it?!!!?!?! This awful awful experience lasted another 5 minutes which might as well have been 17.5 hours to me, I want to die thinking about it!

I have had fertility treatments and three babies vaginally- dont get me wrong I have had more than my share of people look up my clacker but there is a difference when your fart is directed right up your doctors nostrils.

Thank God it didnt smell thats all I can say!


roll2.gif   oh, I have tears rolling down my face.  I'm only surprised you didn't get the giggles straight away.  Think I would have...  ph34r.gif

#21 lynneyours

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:00 AM

My most recent funny:  

We took DD's to the swimming pool a few weeks ago, and went into the family change room in the middle afterwards, surrounded by all the other single change rooms.  We've changed and showered together many times, this is not new.

So, DH is having a shower, and DD1 (4.5) LOUDLY exclaims "Daddy - your bottom isn't the same as Mummy, Taylor or me!  Your bottom is like a snake!"
roll2.gif  
cue snorts, sniggers and stiffled laughter from surrounding cubicles and me bent double with tears rolling down my face laughing, whilst DH is preening going "hear that? snake!" and nodding his head.  
Cue more sniggers and snorts, especially from me.

When we exited, there were a few people lingering who looked DH up and (rather especially) down.  roll2.gif  perhaps they wanted to see old trousersnake ph34r.gif

#22 **Xena**

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:19 AM

snortle your story reminded me of this one:
QUOTE
It was about five years ago.  I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs.  That’s when I met my husband, Rob.  On our first date, he booked the next two.  He liked me.  I liked him.  Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked.  I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry.  Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing.  Was this love?

That’s when it happened.  Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying.  I thought I was dying.  Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it.  The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.  Then I realized …

My God, help me.  I have a horrendous fart on deck.  I’m in trouble.  Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs.  I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad?  What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me.  There was nothing I could do.  As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands.  Slowly, it eeked out.  The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door.  However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound.  I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip.  Ok, maybe I got away with it.  Maybe I’m home free.  Then it hit me.  Not an idea, a cloud.  A horrific, fart cloud.  Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way.  More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked.  “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it!  UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him.  I could see it in his eyes.  Was it surprise?  Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!”  As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably.  I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped.  Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos.  We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire.  We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.  We both gulped in fresh air.  I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home.  Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it.  Rob’s voice.  Right.  Outside.  My.   Bathroom.  Door.

“Anna?  You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open.  Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry.  Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there.  I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re …”

“I’m fine!  Get away from the door!”

This man!  I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away.  I thought that was the last I’d hear from him.  I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did.  A couple days later, actually.  Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs.  You saved us.  You saved our destiny.

Edited by **Xena**, 02 December 2012 - 12:19 AM.


#23 CretaceousFeral

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:31 AM

OMG I have tears streaming down my face. Priceless.

#24 lynneyours

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:31 AM

Xena.   roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif    
can't see, can't breathe.  OMG. funniest thing I've read on the internet. Ever.

#25 Glowworm80

Posted 02 December 2012 - 02:31 AM

Well my story is not as funny as Xena's, I mean how can one top that?!

A couple of weeks ago I was at the international airport to pick up someone. So while I was waiting I see these two women (looked like mom and daughter)  walk/run excitedly up to this recent arrival saying hi, how are you?! How was the flight? Big hugs and mouth kisses follow Passenger smiles warily, says fine, makes chit chat for about a minute.

Then i think it dawns on the duo that the arrival's not overly friendly. Daughter says Karen..? You are Karen...right? Recent arrival says no...Daughter says did you get off the flight from South Africa? Passenger says no, Bali!

Mother and daughter go beet red, mumble apologies, passenger looks a bit bewilded but gracious enough to say oh I have one of those faces. Mother and daughter blend (quickly) back into the waiting crowd (who are trying to hold back laughter, and look away)

A few minutes later I hear them argueing amongst themselves. The daughter is saying to her mom and teen daughters, I am not the only stupid one here, you hugged and kissed her! And they look so much alike! Don't you think so Mom?

I was very curious to see what Karen would look like. She was at least 10kg heavier and 15 years younger then the poor arrival. And to be honest except for the blonde hair they didn't alike at all!







1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Heartwarming prank gives single mum the house she was hired to clean

Cara Simmons arrived at work to clean a large and beautiful house in time for a party planned for that evening. It was soon hers.

Why we should stop telling new parents to 'enjoy every moment'

A few weeks ago, some dear friends of mine had their first baby. As the proud dad texted me a picture I had to fight the natural instinct to say “Enjoy every moment!”

Transgender dad breastfeeds his babies

A transgender man who breastfed his first baby - despite having his breasts removed as part of his transformation from female to male - has now had a second child.

Couple face $1 million medical bill and bankruptcy after babymoon birth

A Canadian couple were slammed with a million dollar medical bill after their daughter was prematurely during their babymoon.

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Cigarettes, junk food dominate supermarket sales growth

One in every five dollars spent at supermarkets goes on cigarettes or junk food, according to industry data.

Teacher under fire for breastfeeding in class

There is no doubt mums have a right to continue breastfeeding after they have returned to work, but one teacher in the US has taken it to the extreme.

Video: Baby sniffs beardless dad to make sure it's him

She looks him up and down and then touches his chin, but baby Lindsey still isn't sure this clean-shaven man is her dad.

The tragedy of losing a favourite teddy bear

We were green and uninitiated, perhaps a little naïve when it came to the favourite toy responsibility.

It's possible to workout while pregnant

Medical experts say intense fitness routines can be done safely during pregnancy - if the mums-to-be follow some guidelines.

Baby for Asher Keddie and Vincent Fantauzzo

Fans followed every step of her on-screen pregnancy in Offspring, now Asher Keddie is going to be a mum in real life too.

What parents really want for their kids

Are our hopes, dreams and expectations for our children what they really need?

'I had a feeling something was seriously wrong': the fight for Kaden's diagnosis

Before even giving birth, Katie Myers' maternal instincts warned her something was wrong with her baby.

When your pregnancy causes a relationship rift

Some dads-to-be don't miss a beat when their partner is pregnant; others struggle with a range of issues and can become withdrawn, right when their support is needed most.

Couple uses group photo trick to announce pregnancy to loved ones

Katharine and Kris Camilli devised a clever trick to immortalise their family and friends' reaction to their exciting pregnancy news.

Why Tracey Spicer has given up make-up

"After 30 years on television, I had become what I despised: a painted doll who spent an hour a day and close to $200 a week putting on a mask."

Empowering bikini photo of 46-year-old mum goes viral

When a group of teenagers made rude remarks about her body as she walked past them in a bikini at the local beach, Julie Cross refused to cover up.

Devastated widow discovers she's pregnant the day before husband's funeral

They had been trying to conceive a baby for seven years. Tragically Kristy Kirchner found out she was pregnant the day before her husband Royce's funeral.

Win a family pass to Disney Live!

We have 4 family passes to give away to see Disney Live! presents Three Classic Fairy Tales, touring Australia this December/January.

Gabriella Goat sues Peppa Pig

Every toddler's favourite television pig is being sued by an Italian woman who shares a name with a Peppa Pig character.

Meet the Mpregs, the male pregnancy enthusiasts

"Men can't have babies - that's something only women can do! But our community is full of like-minded people who wish otherwise."

Your new motherhood survival kit

Forget about the bright, pretty baby things - while you're in survival mode, all you'll need are the essentials.

More than 100,000 cars recalled globally after death of pregnant woman

The announcement of a mass recall comes as Malaysian police investigate the death of pregnant woman in July.

I had a 'good baby' but still suffered from postnatal depression

I had a much wanted precious baby girl, a 'good baby' who slept well, self settled and was mostly content. It just seemed implausible to think I could succumb to depression.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Win one of 5 Little Tikes Cozy Coupe Sport

Australia?s No 1 selling car is now available in a Sports model and we have 5 to give away to some lucky Essential Baby families.

Join PADDINGTON on the red carpet!

To celebrate the release of PADDINGTON, we are giving five lucky winners the chance to win a family pass to the exclusive Australian Premiere in Sydney on December 7!

Knowing you are one of the lucky ones

I am secure, confident and strong, but the responsibility of protecting my children can almost bring me undone.

Why I am so emotional now I have kids?

There are so many ways in which parenthood changes us as women, but one of the most noticeable, for me, has been the changing state of my emotions.

Baby survives despite sharing womb with 'foreign body'

Baby Maia was conceived against the odds, only to find she was sharing a womb with an ominous "foreign body".

Video: Baby shows dog how to jump - or vice versa

They say dog is man's best friend, but this playful pooch seems to have chosen a jumping baby as her number one buddy.

10 ways to soothe a crying baby

New paernts can get frustrated when their newborn gets fussy and can't settle down. When you're feeling overwhelmed, try some of these simple tips to help soothe your baby.

20 baby names that are becoming more popular every year

The data-lovers at nameberry.com have been at it again – this time, they’ve discovered the names that are continually rising up the ranks, ready to take out some top spots in the next few years.

10 great meals to make for new parents

Ideally, you want to give food that isn’t expensive to make, isn't too difficult to create, and freezes well; stews, bakes, soups and pasta sauces are perfect.

'It's not you, it's me': Boston bombing survivor mum to have leg amputated

Rebekah DiMartino is going through a break-up. She even wrote a farewell love letter. But it's not to her husband.

What it's like to go through early menopause

In a cruel twist, Carla had been breastfeeding and perimenopausal at the same time. But she's far from the only one to go through menopause early.

Restaurant served alcohol to two-year-old

Busy restaurants can be forgiven for getting food and drink orders mixed up from time to time, but not when the confusion leads to a two-year-old being served an alcoholic cocktail instead of the child-friendly beverage they ordered.

Julia Morris tells of miscarriage on a flight

Julia Morris has spoken about the devastation of suffering a miscarriage while on an international flight.

Woman's survival after birth 'a story of two miracles'

A US mother is home and tending to her new baby less than a month after surviving without a pulse for 45 minutes.

Eating ice may give mental boost to the iron deficient: study

A new study proposes that, like a strong cup of coffee, ice may give those with insufficient iron a much-needed mental boost.

Tiny lives in caring hands: Thank U NICU Day

Each year in Australia, over 40,000 newborns need the help of a special care nursery or neonatal intensive care unit. One day a year, the staff are honoured by the parents they help through those dark days.

I paid $50,000 to have a girl

This time my husband and I hadn't taken any chances. We had paid $50,000 and travelled 13,000 kilometres to make sure the baby growing inside me was female.

Weird pregnancy products

Some pregnancy products come to market and are just awesome. Others just leave you scratching your head.

Dear firstborn, I'm sorry

Being a first-time mum is tough for so many reasons – particularly because you really have no idea what you're doing.

A trace of sesame could kill my son

Helen Richardson son's had two anaphylactic reactions in a month. It's traumatic for everyone.

When you know before the test says yes

It wasn't a pregnancy test or missed period that told me I was pregnant with my second baby; it was too early for those things. A doner kebab told me I was going to be a mum again.

What not to do when your partner is in labour

Robbie Williams stole the show during his wife Ayda's labour, pretty much demonstrating everything on the "what not to do when your partner is in labour" list.

Best maternity swimwear and beach cover-ups

Thinking about a tropical babymoon but have nothing to wear? Here are some great swimwear and beach cover-up options for mums-to-be.

Dad breastfeeds his babies

Trevor Macdonald has now been pregnant twice, and is successfully breastfeeding his newest family member.

 

How many weeks til Christmas?

On your To-Do list

Get the "Santa" shopping done without the kids in tow.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.