Jump to content

I need a laugh..
Tell me the funniest thing you know


  • Please log in to reply
56 replies to this topic

#1 3'sACharm

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:08 PM

As per title...I need a laugh.

Please??

#2 Squeekums Da Feral

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:17 PM

This made me laugh.
This morning before going out I asked DD if she wanted to get changed, she says yes and then lists of clean bum, pants, top, shoes.
By the shoes and socks I was just yes'ing without really listening, she must have picked it cos then she goes sunnies, happy meal?
.
She was so close to getting a yes, then I clicked and just burst out laughing and said 'good try'
I swear I heard her say damn as she walked of.
I swear to smart for her own good some days!

#3 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:25 PM

Not the funniest but made me chuckle.

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"


#4 The Awesome One

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:36 PM

I'll teach you a Christmas song we sang as a kid

Joy to the world, the teacher's dead
we barbecued her head
what happened to her body
we flushed it down the potty
and around and around it goes
and around and around it goes
and around, and a round, and around it goes

#5 snortle

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:17 PM

Ok this is seriously the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me- I am blushing and cringing right now just remembering it.

This better make you feel better lol

Ok so after I had DS I was a mess "downstairs". I had a prolapse party going on and all my internal organs were invited.

Well after a few months post birth I realised things weren't going back to normal so I went off to the GP who referred me to a colorectal surgeon for an assessment of what she believed was a rectal prolapse, so off I went to meet this chap.

I had to take off my skirt and knickers and he began to feel around- yeah not fun I can tell you!
So he was having some difficulty finding my supposed rectal prolapse (because -thanks a lot GP- turns out it WASN'T that at all), so he got quite close up to my butt and asked me to cough really hard.

So.... I did and he was right there and I let out this ripper fart right in his face.
I swear to all that is holy his hair swished in the wind from the force of this fart and it was so loud I'm certain that they heard it in the unusually quiet waiting area.

So his eyes went wide  oomg.gif but he was so professional he just acted LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Then I was like OMG what do I do?! Should I apologise- of course I just farted IN THIS GUYS MOUTH practically. But he was ignoring it- should I ignore it also?! This convo happened in my head (totally normal...) in a matter of moments, I ended up apologising profusely and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

He still acted like it was nothing and the whole thing was SO excruciating I felt like I wanted to burst out laughing and crying. He finished up after that- can you blame him? And as I was getting dressed I got the biggest case of the giggles. I was trying to stifle my laughter and my whole body was shaking because I kept thinking he would see me laughing and think what kind of SICK FREAK farts fresh and directly into someones face when they are 2cm away from their bunghole and then LAUGHS about it?!!!?!?! This awful awful experience lasted another 5 minutes which might as well have been 17.5 hours to me, I want to die thinking about it!

I have had fertility treatments and three babies vaginally- dont get me wrong I have had more than my share of people look up my clacker but there is a difference when your fart is directed right up your doctors nostrils.

Thank God it didnt smell thats all I can say!



#6 **Xena**

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:19 PM



#7 kez71

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:21 PM

snortle..im crying with laughter here..thanks!!

#8 Poughkeepsie

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:22 PM

Oh snortle, I don't know about the OP, but I just cracked up reading that! My kids think I'm mental, I laughed that hard....thank you for sharing original.gif

#9 R2B2

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:25 PM

holy crap Snortle - I laughed until I cried.
that is one of the funniest things i've ever heard!
You have made my year!

and here I was thinking letting one rip in the bath during labour was humiliating  grin.gif


#10 The Awesome One

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:30 PM

Snortle DH and I thank you for that amazing story  roll2.gif

#11 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:32 PM

snortle, that is HILARIOUS.... so awesome... maybe not for the Dr, but for the rest of us, pure gold!

#12 Lazycow

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:33 PM

Oh snortle, I'm laughing so hard I've got tears streaming down my face. roll2.gif

#13 notjustyet

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:54 PM

Xena, I literally laughed til I cried.

Thank you for the LOTR Meme!

#14 SkyeMummy

Posted 01 December 2012 - 09:56 PM

Oh Snortle - priceless!!

#15 Froger

Posted 01 December 2012 - 10:25 PM

If your friends were cats and dogs.

Cat friend vs dog friend.

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2012/11...dog-friend.html

#16 *-*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:43 PM

Can't type, laughing.  Gold, pure gold Snortle!

#17 *-*

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:43 PM

Can't type, laughing.  Gold, pure gold Snortle!

#18 #YKG

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:51 PM

OMG Snortle I'm in tears laughing. That was priceless!

#19 lynneyours

Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:53 PM

QUOTE (snortle @ 01/12/2012, 10:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
he was right there and I let out this ripper fart right in his face.
I swear to all that is holy his hair swished in the wind from the force of this fart and it was so loud I'm certain that they heard it in the unusually quiet waiting area.

So his eyes went wide  oomg.gif but he was so professional he just acted LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!!
Then I was like OMG what do I do?! Should I apologise- of course I just farted IN THIS GUYS MOUTH practically. But he was ignoring it- should I ignore it also?! This convo happened in my head (totally normal...) in a matter of moments, I ended up apologising profusely and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

He still acted like it was nothing and the whole thing was SO excruciating I felt like I wanted to burst out laughing and crying. He finished up after that- can you blame him? And as I was getting dressed I got the biggest case of the giggles. I was trying to stifle my laughter and my whole body was shaking because I kept thinking he would see me laughing and think what kind of SICK FREAK farts fresh and directly into someones face when they are 2cm away from their bunghole and then LAUGHS about it?!!!?!?! This awful awful experience lasted another 5 minutes which might as well have been 17.5 hours to me, I want to die thinking about it!

I have had fertility treatments and three babies vaginally- dont get me wrong I have had more than my share of people look up my clacker but there is a difference when your fart is directed right up your doctors nostrils.

Thank God it didnt smell thats all I can say!


roll2.gif   oh, I have tears rolling down my face.  I'm only surprised you didn't get the giggles straight away.  Think I would have...  ph34r.gif

#20 lynneyours

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:00 AM

My most recent funny:  

We took DD's to the swimming pool a few weeks ago, and went into the family change room in the middle afterwards, surrounded by all the other single change rooms.  We've changed and showered together many times, this is not new.

So, DH is having a shower, and DD1 (4.5) LOUDLY exclaims "Daddy - your bottom isn't the same as Mummy, Taylor or me!  Your bottom is like a snake!"
roll2.gif  
cue snorts, sniggers and stiffled laughter from surrounding cubicles and me bent double with tears rolling down my face laughing, whilst DH is preening going "hear that? snake!" and nodding his head.  
Cue more sniggers and snorts, especially from me.

When we exited, there were a few people lingering who looked DH up and (rather especially) down.  roll2.gif  perhaps they wanted to see old trousersnake ph34r.gif

#21 **Xena**

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:19 AM

snortle your story reminded me of this one:
QUOTE
It was about five years ago.  I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs.  That’s when I met my husband, Rob.  On our first date, he booked the next two.  He liked me.  I liked him.  Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked.  I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry.  Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing.  Was this love?

That’s when it happened.  Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying.  I thought I was dying.  Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it.  The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.  Then I realized …

My God, help me.  I have a horrendous fart on deck.  I’m in trouble.  Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs.  I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad?  What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me.  There was nothing I could do.  As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands.  Slowly, it eeked out.  The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door.  However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound.  I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip.  Ok, maybe I got away with it.  Maybe I’m home free.  Then it hit me.  Not an idea, a cloud.  A horrific, fart cloud.  Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way.  More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked.  “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it!  UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him.  I could see it in his eyes.  Was it surprise?  Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!”  As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably.  I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped.  Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos.  We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire.  We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.  We both gulped in fresh air.  I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home.  Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it.  Rob’s voice.  Right.  Outside.  My.   Bathroom.  Door.

“Anna?  You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open.  Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry.  Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there.  I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re …”

“I’m fine!  Get away from the door!”

This man!  I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away.  I thought that was the last I’d hear from him.  I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did.  A couple days later, actually.  Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs.  You saved us.  You saved our destiny.

Edited by **Xena**, 02 December 2012 - 12:19 AM.


#22 Cretaceous

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:31 AM

OMG I have tears streaming down my face. Priceless.

#23 lynneyours

Posted 02 December 2012 - 12:31 AM

Xena.   roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif roll2.gif    
can't see, can't breathe.  OMG. funniest thing I've read on the internet. Ever.

#24 Glowworm80

Posted 02 December 2012 - 02:31 AM

Well my story is not as funny as Xena's, I mean how can one top that?!

A couple of weeks ago I was at the international airport to pick up someone. So while I was waiting I see these two women (looked like mom and daughter)  walk/run excitedly up to this recent arrival saying hi, how are you?! How was the flight? Big hugs and mouth kisses follow Passenger smiles warily, says fine, makes chit chat for about a minute.

Then i think it dawns on the duo that the arrival's not overly friendly. Daughter says Karen..? You are Karen...right? Recent arrival says no...Daughter says did you get off the flight from South Africa? Passenger says no, Bali!

Mother and daughter go beet red, mumble apologies, passenger looks a bit bewilded but gracious enough to say oh I have one of those faces. Mother and daughter blend (quickly) back into the waiting crowd (who are trying to hold back laughter, and look away)

A few minutes later I hear them argueing amongst themselves. The daughter is saying to her mom and teen daughters, I am not the only stupid one here, you hugged and kissed her! And they look so much alike! Don't you think so Mom?

I was very curious to see what Karen would look like. She was at least 10kg heavier and 15 years younger then the poor arrival. And to be honest except for the blonde hair they didn't alike at all!




#25 Praetor VitaeChel

Posted 02 December 2012 - 02:47 AM

Thank you Snortle and Xena - I needed those giggles! biggrin.gif




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Wondersuit heaven: Bonds & Disney launch exclusive collection

Bonds and Disney fans with babies to buy for will be celebrating this news. Bonds and Disney have just released collaboration Wondersuits.

Town welcomes first baby in 28 years

Since the 1980s, the Italian town of Ostana had not seen the birth of a single baby.

Great-great-grandma delivers great grandchild in her own home

''I've delivered calves, lambs, dogs and cats, but nothing like this.'' This 'Super Gran' calmly peeled the amniotic sac over her great-grandson's head before discovering the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck ... twice.

How to start teaching your kids road safety

It's something that can be taught as early as possible and reinforced as they get older and more mobile - even from toddlerhood.

Just announced: Bugaboo Cameleon³ Classic+ Collection update

Meet the brand new understated chic model from Bugaboo.

The emotional moment a mum hears her late son's heartbeat

It's been two and a half years since Heather Clark's seven-month-old son Lukas passed away.

Nine reasons why you have 'brain fog'

One minute your productivity is skyrocketing and the next you're sitting there trying to focus – just like that you draw blank, your brain, mush.

I had a caesarean and it was beautiful

Guess what? Despite not pushing him out, I cried, and my heart skipped, and I felt the rush of love and pride when I saw him for the first time.

Microcephaly still a mysterious condition around the world

For parents, having a child with microcephaly can mean a life of uncertainty.

7 baby firsts you won't see on milestone charts

Here are a few 'other' baby firsts you may not have been expecting, but you'll want to be ready for.

Why it's important to vaccinate on time

My son was born on the 1 July 2014. It's a fabulous birthday, don't you think? Not only does the first of July ring in a new financial year, but it also means we've hit the year's half way mark.

Naturopath treatment allegedly left baby "days from death"

A naturopath whose treatment of a baby boy allegedly led to the infant being severely ill has pleaded not guilty to charges against her. 

Andy Murray's emotional speech to pregnant wife after Australian Open

A teary-eyed Andy Murray promised pregnant wife Kim he'd be on the next plane home after his turbulent two weeks at the Australian Open came to an end.

This toddler and his duck BFF will melt your heart

A small boy in the US has struck up a quacking good friendship with an unlikely companion ... his pet duck. 

Great news for coffee drinkers - caffeine is good for your heart

Researchers have found that, contrary to prior belief, caffeine does not cause health-threatening heart palpitations.

I always wanted children - but I've found other ways to be maternal

I've always been one of the most maternal women I know.

When only one parent wants to know the gender

For some couples you either both want to know the gender of your unborn baby, or you don't. For others, it's not that simple.

'No jab no play' could hurt disadvantaged children, experts fear

Tough new "no jab no play" laws could hurt children who have not been immunised due to family dysfunction, poverty, or poor access to medical support, experts warn.

Zika virus: Airlines offer refunds to pregnant women

Airlines and cruise companies across the world are offering refunds or travel credits to pregnant women who are scheduled to visit countries struck by the devastating Zika virus.

#meditateonthis: Mums fight back against PND ignorance

Not all women will require medication, but many will. And there isn't and shouldn't be any shame in that.

 
Advertisement
 
Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Penny Wong

'The most hurtful argument in the marriage equality debate'

Labor frontbencher Penny Wong is used to to hearing arguments against same-sex marriage. But for Australia's most prominent gay politician, one hurts more than others.

Does exercise have to be fun to work?

Some things in life are inherently served with a big scoop of fun: balloons, bubbles, cupcakes to name but a few, but exercise?

Hair dye gives woman second-degree burns

She wanted a fresh colour for 2016, but instead she got chemical burns.

Kelly Slater saves mum and toddler from 'freak wave'

A Perth family has thanked US surfing "legend" Kelly Slater after the star saved a mother and a young toddler from "a freak wave" in Hawaii.

Apple recalls millions of power adapters

Tech giant instigates massive international recall of power point adapters due to risk of electric shock.

Toddler's adorable alphabet goes viral

It's impossible not to share this little boy's excitement  about the alphabet.

Tot's nighttime waking saves family's life

Like all tired parents, Monique and Kyle Ruppel were looking forward to the day their 15-month-old daughter Celia would start sleeping through the night. 

Australian mum gives birth to quintuplets

An Australian mum who has shared the ups and downs of carrying quintuplets has welcomed her five babies into the world.

Dad of four girls faints at gender reveal for fifth baby

It was all too much excitement for this dad.

The simple way you can help your baby's language development

The way parents respond to their child's babbling can shape how their infants communicate.

Zika virus is 'spreading explosively': WHO

The World Health Organization announced that it will convene an emergency meeting about Zika.

National database recommended for child protection cases

Baby Ebony was repeatedly failed by the agencies tasked with her protection before her horrific death at the hands of her father, South Australia's deputy coroner says.

Hospitals put babies at risk by ignoring policy on elective caesareans

Thirty-eight weeks or 39? Non-medical factors are pushing women to have elective caesareans earlier than official guidelines - and hospitals are playing along.

Police help deliver baby on busy roadside

Two police officers delivered more than a traffic fine by the side of a busy Melbourne road yesterday.

1D's Louis Tomlinson shares first photo of baby

One Direction's Louis Tomlinson has posted the first picture of his baby boy, Freddie, on social media.

 

FREE TICKET

Free first aid demonstrations daily

Get your free ticket to the Essential Baby & Toddler Show and save $20 - register online now!

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.