Jump to content

do husbands change once baby comes?
afraid we wont be able to offer our son a loving environment


  • Please log in to reply
65 replies to this topic

#1 Wildence

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:17 PM

might be in a wrong forum,

but just wondering.

do partners change??

my partner is super stubborn and loves playing his PC games, if i ask him to do something for me while he is playing, ill get nasty replies and eye rolling.
he is just not reasonable when he is playing his xbox (this is how he spends ALL his free time)

i feel super bad and guilty for bringing a child into this world when there is so much unnecessary bickering and shouting.

he ends up helping me, but the process to get there, is just so painful. once he starts being rude to me, i cant help myself but I start crying and start feeling extremely guilty for the little one..

every time i want to be a biatch, i always try stop myself, putting the baby first. if i am stressed, i believe they can feel it, and i love him too much already to make him feel that bad.

but yet my partner finds it fine, to bicker, and argue with me, knowing that unnecessary stress is not good for a little one. or does he just forget that i am carrying his son?

please no flaming.
and we do love each other, and we don't argue often, but when we do. it makes me feel guilty for bringing a child into this world.


#2 jayskette

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:33 PM

A child adds a new dynamic to a relationship. It does not change the person.

#3 sandoz

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:35 PM

Mine also went from sharing all the housework to playing games all the time and not helping, or sighing and complaining about it so much it was faster to just do it all myself...we're divorced

#4 Suz01

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:38 PM

Agree jayskette, my partner loves our kids, yet still works 6-7 days a week
Its just life for us.

Mothers in my opinion realise quicker the impact a baby has and sucks it up. Men, are so much slower (in our relationship at least.)

#5 SaintJoe

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:42 PM

Mine stayed the same.

He always was good with housework, cleaning and general tidying anyway.

I have noticed that he is more understanding and open towards others. Probably due to the love one has for their own child.

I don't think having a child completely changes anyone. My DH still has some annoying habits that have always been there (as do I, I am sure!)

Good luck OP.

#6 bonnybabe

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:43 PM

I think you'll need to have a chat about the split of responsibilities, what is expected of each partner when the baby comes, before the baby comes.  If he doesn't put limits on when he plays games, you'll just get the same eye rolling crap about changing nappies, or giving you a break so you can have a rest.  Good luck.

#7 Unatheowl

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:46 PM

I don't think it changed either of us.  Having a newborn especially is extremely stressful and any problems that were there are amplified by the lack of sleep etc that is associated with that phase.  It certainly was a tough time for us.  It has settled somewhat now, but in my experience it was a negative for our relationship, something we got through

#8 poss71

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

You've got me thinking of the old saying, "A man marries a woman hoping she never changes. A woman marries a man looking to change him".

Set your expectations now, while you're not too tired/worn out/heavily pregnant/sleepless from newborn to put your POV forward. You can't change him but you can have a say in your relationship.

#9 BetteBoop

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

QUOTE (jayskette @ 01/12/2012, 04:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A child adds a new dynamic to a relationship. It does not change the person.


I changed a lot when I had DD. I would say I'm almost unrecognisable to who I was beforehand.

Maybe your basic personality doesn't change, but your behaviour can and does change with big life events.

And sometimes that's enough.

#10 Ice Queen

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

They stay the same.

#11 Natttmumm

Posted 01 December 2012 - 05:44 PM

I think things usually get worse once a bub arrives as behavior doesn't change much but you add tiredness and exhaustion to it.
We found the first yr tough onour relationship for each child. The only  thing that changed was we were more tired and cranky with each other. We got on really well previously.
We are expecting number 3 and DH is super cranky and picky. I try to remind him to be more positive so far it hasn't helped. It worries me


#12 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 01 December 2012 - 05:51 PM

They say a Women becomes a Mother from conception a man doesn't become a father til the baby is born.  (or something like that).

So he could change, my dh I know is the sort of guy that leaves everything to til the last minute, doesn't feel the need to stress, prepare, help etc unless it's the critical minute.  I remember harping onto him all through my  pregnancies about the things that needed doing (ie setting up cot, putting in carseat etc) he'd delay and not want to do it as he was 'busy' watching tv but when the babies were born he always came around and did what was needed and is a real help.

#13 kadoodle

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:07 PM

My DH matured a lot after we had DD1.

#14 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:17 PM

DF said his ex wife changed after they had children, not for the better... that's why he doesn't want more children... he's afraid it would have the same effect on me.

I am sure he changed too... children do change your life. I'm not even their mother and DSDs have changed my life. But DF managed to be a Dad and still retain some of him (e.g. he loves playing computer games and he used to still play when DSDs were babies, he's just have them laid in one arm while he played, as they got older he played after they went to bed.)

Edited by PussyDids, 01 December 2012 - 06:18 PM.


#15 Cath42

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:38 PM

[quote name='PussyDids' date='01/12/2012, 07:17 PM' post=%2

QUOTE (PussyDids @ 01/12/2012, 07:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DF said his ex wife changed after they had children, not for the better... that's why he doesn't want more children... he's afraid it would have the same effect on me.

I am sure he changed too... children do change your life. I'm not even their mother and DSDs have changed my life. But DF managed to be a Dad and still retain some of him (e.g. he loves playing computer games and he used to still play when DSDs were babies, he's just have them laid in one arm while he played, as they got older he played after they went to bed.)


What?

I suspect he retained his ability to play computer games for hours because he didn't change, thus forcing his wife to become the responsible person. And then he didn't like who she became, and he couldn't see that he'd played a role in that. I know so many fathers who say that children "changed every aspect of their lives" when the reality is that their lives really are exactly the same as they were BC (Before Children).

If your partner is telling you that he doesn't want more children because he doesn't want you to become like his ex-wife (who he once loved), the only thing you have to decide is whether or not you want to have children of your own. Believe me, if you have children of your own you'll become like his ex-wife because he'll give you no choice.



#16 désir d'amour

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:41 PM

I don't expect DH to give up his World of Warcraft habit PC (post-cihldren).

I also dont plan on giving up my OWN WoW habit.  Or choir.  Or performing in eisteddfods.  

I do expect us both to *modify* those habits.  But if Dh wants to game with baby in a sling, or in a bouncer, then by all means.  As long as he remembers to change the nappy and feed the kid, why should he have to give up a long-established hobby?

#17 bakesgirls

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:43 PM

I don't think my DH changed as such. I think we both changed to some degree. Our relationship gets better the more kids we have. He became a much better husband to me once we had our first. He seems to get better at being a father too as the years pass and as we add to our family. He's much more resposnsible and no longer self absorbed like he used to be.

#18 kpingitquiet

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:47 PM

It really depends. My husband went from frequent gamer and general layabout happy to work a "meh" job forever to only gaming in the wee hours of Sunday mornings before everyone else is up and after the dogs have been fed, building shelves for kiddo's room, building me a raised bed veggie patch, now planning a degree in civil engineering, etc etc. He's currently in the playroom coloring with kiddo before he bathes her and puts her to bed, like every night.

Our friend had a WoW-playing, do-next-to-nothing, cooks-occasionally husband employed in a crap job before their baby came. She has the same thing now, plus the baby (now toddler).

Strangely, she's happier with her marriage than I am with mine. Perhaps I need a re-think on that lol

#19 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:02 PM

QUOTE (NapCat @ 01/12/2012, 07:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't expect DH to give up his World of Warcraft habit PC (post-cihldren).

I also dont plan on giving up my OWN WoW habit.  Or choir.  Or performing in eisteddfods.  

I do expect us both to *modify* those habits.  But if Dh wants to game with baby in a sling, or in a bouncer, then by all means.  As long as he remembers to change the nappy and feed the kid, why should he have to give up a long-established hobby?


This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.

#20 désir d'amour

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:07 PM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 01/12/2012, 07:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.



well, we're only having 1, unless I get very unlucky with twins!

I game with families who have 5 kids and a bigger WoW habit than I do.  things can get held up by the kids, but since our raiding doesn't start until 7/730, one can hope by the time bubs turns into destructobot, they'll be in bed ninja.gif

#21 Kat255

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:10 PM

DH has changed since he became a Dad, as have I since I became a Mum. Though it didn't happen overnight. I think it is the general process of maturing that has changed us rather than any one single event.

DH still plays lots of computer games (28+ hrs / week). However, whereas before he'd play MMORPG (games where he is playing with lots of people counting on him and where a seconds lost concentration could mean failure) he now plays single player games which can be played with one hand, and have plenty of save points. Even though he spends a lot of time playing, he is available within seconds to help out with a cuddle, feed, nappy or anything else really.
As I type this, he has DD (1 yr old) draped over his shoulder. She is happiest in her Daddy's arms and is currently fast asleep.

If your DH doesn't see an issue with the way things are now (ie, finds it fine to argue and bicker) then he may not see a reason to change.

#22 kay11

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:12 PM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 01/12/2012, 08:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.


Yep. Your kids will be playing with you - or trying to...

Like how they try to type on the computer when I'm on it, stack the dishwasher when I'm doing it and it's a race to see whether my husband and I can get the ornaments on the Christams tree faster than the 18 month old can pull them off.

You might have time when they're asleep. As long as they actually sleep and you're not too wrecked and you're happy enough with the state of the house etc and have made any calls that you can't make during the day because junior is screaming in your ear to grab the phone.

I'm hoping I'll have hobbies again in another year or 2s times - when the youngest is around 4 or so?

#23 Cat People

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:16 PM

If the relationship is not good to begin with, it's highly unlikely to getting better with a child.  Sorry OP but I think it's unlikely he's suddenly going to get involved and helpful after the baby.  He sounds like he's got an addiction problem with the PC games.

#24 désir d'amour

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:18 PM

QUOTE (kay11 @ 01/12/2012, 07:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yep. Your kids will be playing with you - or trying to...

Like how they try to type on the computer when I'm on it, stack the dishwasher when I'm doing it and it's a race to see whether my husband and I can get the ornaments on the Christams tree faster than the 18 month old can pull them off.

You might have time when they're asleep. As long as they actually sleep and you're not too wrecked and you're happy enough with the state of the house etc and have made any calls that you can't make during the day because junior is screaming in your ear to grab the phone.

I'm hoping I'll have hobbies again in another year or 2s times - when the youngest is around 4 or so?


I was a terrible sleeper, so I'm really hoping kiddo takes after DH.  DH and I are both very relaxed housekeepers, so I can't see that being a major issue during the week.  

I know our lives are going to change after kids.  But I have no intention of putting my needs completely to one side.  And I need time and space to indulge my soul!

#25 Kat255

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:20 PM

QUOTE (NapCat @ 01/12/2012, 07:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I game with families who have 5 kids and a bigger WoW habit than I do.  things can get held up by the kids, but since our raiding doesn't start until 7/730, one can hope by the time bubs turns into destructobot, they'll be in bed ninja.gif

I thought I'd end up very similar. Being able to keep up playing WoW even with kids. I found though, that my priorities shifted, and I slowly found it harder to make time for it.

Now, if I get a spare few mins, the last thing I want to do is log on. I fully plan to get back into gaming once they are old enough to play too.

However, like you, I know other couples with young kids who play regularly and are still enjoying it. It can happen, and it does happen.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

An open letter to Tony Abbott: please salvage our super

We face financial ruin, but most of us don?t realise it. If we don?t act together to salvage our superannuation, I have no doubt the new GFC will be the Girls? Financial Crisis.

'I'm happy to know I'm changing lives': surrogate mum of two

I know that once the baby is born, I will focus on the gift I have given, and watch the parents with their new child. I can't wait for that day.

Birth trauma and the issue of informed consent

There is a perception that women should just be happy they have a healthy baby in their arms. But for women who experienced birth trauma, there's a lot more to it.

Tips for managing pollen allergies and hayfever

They're simple tips, but they can have a big impact on those who suffer from hayfever and pollen allergies.

Ada Nicodemou shares tribute to her stillborn baby

Just over one month since Ada Nicodemou and her husband lost their second son, the Home and Away star has shared a touching poem for her baby.

Mum causes stir breastfeeding on train

?To the woman breastfeeding her kid on the train. Seriously! On the train?" began the letter of complaint.

10 things they don?t tell you about being pregnant

As I slowly waddle my ever-changing pregnant body towards the finishing line of my due date, it?s becoming increasingly clear there are a lot of things they just don?t tell you about pregnancy.

Overcoming a fear of the dark

A toddler's fear of the dark is very normal, but there are ways parents can help children through this stage in their development.

Kids, TV and movies: how young is too young?

It seems you don't have to throw the TV and iPad out the window - it all boils down to moderation, supervision and interaction.

Video: Baby's first birthday is a special day for mum, too

?A baby?s first birthday is also mum?s first birthday.?

The day Supernanny came to tea

Prince William's favourite celebrity child trainer Jo Frost puts Bryony Gordon and her toddler through their paces.

Tales from the homefront

When you're at work you sort of assume that your house is basically just sitting there quietly doing nothing until you return. However, since spending my days at home, I've learned this couldn't be further from the truth.

The words I hated hearing as new mum

It was less than a week after my son was born that I first heard it - from my mother.

To the pharmacist who sold me baby formula

On the rare occasion I catch sight of you at school, or around town, I think back to our earliest exchange. I?m sure you have no recollection of it at all.

Babies may benefit from autism therapy

Children showing signs of autism don't usually receive early intervention until well into toddlerhood or later, but a new study suggests infants with symptoms of the developmental disorder might benefit from therapy from as early as six months.

Knatalye and Adeline born with an everlasting bond

Knatalye Hope and Adeline Faith are a lot like any other identical twin girls, but there is one dramatic difference: they're joined at the chest and shares several internal organs.

The question this dad wishes he'd asked his wife

I should have seen that my wife wasn't the same person I'd fallen in love with, but we were both too focused on simply trying to get by.

Why we should talk about the deaths of the Hunt children

The deaths are too horrible even to think about. Yet we owe it to the children - Fletcher, Mia and Phoebe Hunt - to think long and hard about it all.

Baby dies of meningococcal weeks after vaccine application denied

A six-month-old girl has died from meningococcal disease just weeks after an application for government funding of a vaccine for the most deadly strain of the virus was rejected.

Finding the right balance when playing with your kids

Being too involved in our children?s play and not allowing our kids enough free time for unstructured activities can mean our kids miss out on the value that play offers.

Creative DIY light shades

The Pop Light light shade comes in a flat pack already made - it's up to you to design it as you'd like.

The battle of iParenting versus imagination

Have we forgotten how to be imaginative, resourceful parents?

Why movement is so important for your baby's growth

Letting your child move as much as possible in the early years ? using all senses, engaging in the real world, preferably outside ? will help them grow up healthier, smarter, calmer and stronger.

Download now: Essential Kids Activity Finder app

Got bored kids? Quickly find the best activities for kids wherever you are in Australia with the Essential Kids app.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Special offer: The Baby & Toddler Show 2014

At The Baby & Toddler Show, you?ll find everything you need to get ready for your new arrival and guide you through the early weeks and years of parenting.

Losing yourself to motherhood

While watching your baby grow into a unique little person is exciting and wondrous, the intensity of meeting everyone else?s needs can ever so sneakily overtake your own needs for self-care.

Tearing during delivery: the facts

Almost all women will experience bruising, grazing or tearing after a vaginal birth. Depending on the degree of tearing, there are various treatments available.

6 tips for a day out with a baby and toddler

Outings can be lots of fun with the kids, but there are inevitable challenges. Here's some information about days out to help you be a little more prepared.

Why I invited a dozen people to watch my son's birth

I sent invitations on burgundy scrapbooking paper stamped with a field of poppies, and told each person why I wanted him or her there. I warned that there would be nudity.

Getting labour started: tips for a natural induction

When your baby?s due date comes and goes without so much as a pop - let alone a bang - it can be disheartening. Mums and a doula share their stories of natural inductions.

7 mistakes old hands make with new babies

As I sat across the table from my friend ? me, a seasoned mother of three; her, a brand new mum ? I thought of all the mistakes an old-hand parent can make when visiting a newborn baby.

That's my boy: a dad's diary of the first 4 months

Unbearable anxiety, unspeakable joy, constant exhaustion and bouts of frustration ... The many shocks of first-time fatherhood resound in a dad's diary of his son's early months.

One of the most important things a new mum can do

Finances may not be as cute as a newborn, but with many women?s working arrangements changing post-baby, monetary matters need attention too.

Baby survives five days alone

He lay with his mother for up to five days after she died of a suspected drug overdose - and survived.

Personalised baby gifts

We've scoured the internet to find gorgeous personalised keepsakes and nursery decor to record baby name and dates. They make great gifts for christenings, name days and birthdays! (All prices in AU.)

 

Reader offer

2 FOR 1 TICKET OFFER

For Shopping, For Advice, For Baby & You. Enjoy a special day out with fabulous shopping from over 200 brands, leading parenting experts offering advice on a range of topics, and amazing children?s entertainment

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.