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do husbands change once baby comes?
afraid we wont be able to offer our son a loving environment


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#1 Wildence

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:17 PM

might be in a wrong forum,

but just wondering.

do partners change??

my partner is super stubborn and loves playing his PC games, if i ask him to do something for me while he is playing, ill get nasty replies and eye rolling.
he is just not reasonable when he is playing his xbox (this is how he spends ALL his free time)

i feel super bad and guilty for bringing a child into this world when there is so much unnecessary bickering and shouting.

he ends up helping me, but the process to get there, is just so painful. once he starts being rude to me, i cant help myself but I start crying and start feeling extremely guilty for the little one..

every time i want to be a biatch, i always try stop myself, putting the baby first. if i am stressed, i believe they can feel it, and i love him too much already to make him feel that bad.

but yet my partner finds it fine, to bicker, and argue with me, knowing that unnecessary stress is not good for a little one. or does he just forget that i am carrying his son?

please no flaming.
and we do love each other, and we don't argue often, but when we do. it makes me feel guilty for bringing a child into this world.


#2 jayskette

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:33 PM

A child adds a new dynamic to a relationship. It does not change the person.

#3 sandoz

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:35 PM

Mine also went from sharing all the housework to playing games all the time and not helping, or sighing and complaining about it so much it was faster to just do it all myself...we're divorced

#4 Suz01

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:38 PM

Agree jayskette, my partner loves our kids, yet still works 6-7 days a week
Its just life for us.

Mothers in my opinion realise quicker the impact a baby has and sucks it up. Men, are so much slower (in our relationship at least.)

#5 pratique

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:42 PM

Mine stayed the same.

He always was good with housework, cleaning and general tidying anyway.

I have noticed that he is more understanding and open towards others. Probably due to the love one has for their own child.

I don't think having a child completely changes anyone. My DH still has some annoying habits that have always been there (as do I, I am sure!)

Good luck OP.

#6 bonnybabe

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:43 PM

I think you'll need to have a chat about the split of responsibilities, what is expected of each partner when the baby comes, before the baby comes.  If he doesn't put limits on when he plays games, you'll just get the same eye rolling crap about changing nappies, or giving you a break so you can have a rest.  Good luck.

#7 Unatheowl

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:46 PM

I don't think it changed either of us.  Having a newborn especially is extremely stressful and any problems that were there are amplified by the lack of sleep etc that is associated with that phase.  It certainly was a tough time for us.  It has settled somewhat now, but in my experience it was a negative for our relationship, something we got through

#8 poss71

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

You've got me thinking of the old saying, "A man marries a woman hoping she never changes. A woman marries a man looking to change him".

Set your expectations now, while you're not too tired/worn out/heavily pregnant/sleepless from newborn to put your POV forward. You can't change him but you can have a say in your relationship.

#9 BetteBoop

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

QUOTE (jayskette @ 01/12/2012, 04:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A child adds a new dynamic to a relationship. It does not change the person.


I changed a lot when I had DD. I would say I'm almost unrecognisable to who I was beforehand.

Maybe your basic personality doesn't change, but your behaviour can and does change with big life events.

And sometimes that's enough.

#10 Ehill

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

They stay the same.

#11 Natttmumm

Posted 01 December 2012 - 05:44 PM

I think things usually get worse once a bub arrives as behavior doesn't change much but you add tiredness and exhaustion to it.
We found the first yr tough onour relationship for each child. The only  thing that changed was we were more tired and cranky with each other. We got on really well previously.
We are expecting number 3 and DH is super cranky and picky. I try to remind him to be more positive so far it hasn't helped. It worries me


#12 Mummytoyou

Posted 01 December 2012 - 05:51 PM

They say a Women becomes a Mother from conception a man doesn't become a father til the baby is born.  (or something like that).

So he could change, my dh I know is the sort of guy that leaves everything to til the last minute, doesn't feel the need to stress, prepare, help etc unless it's the critical minute.  I remember harping onto him all through my  pregnancies about the things that needed doing (ie setting up cot, putting in carseat etc) he'd delay and not want to do it as he was 'busy' watching tv but when the babies were born he always came around and did what was needed and is a real help.

#13 kadoodle

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:07 PM

My DH matured a lot after we had DD1.

#14 RebelWithoutAClaws

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:17 PM

DF said his ex wife changed after they had children, not for the better... that's why he doesn't want more children... he's afraid it would have the same effect on me.

I am sure he changed too... children do change your life. I'm not even their mother and DSDs have changed my life. But DF managed to be a Dad and still retain some of him (e.g. he loves playing computer games and he used to still play when DSDs were babies, he's just have them laid in one arm while he played, as they got older he played after they went to bed.)

Edited by PussyDids, 01 December 2012 - 06:18 PM.


#15 brangisnotaword

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:29 PM

Well, people change over time I think.  But if the basic goodness is there, it'll stay.

#16 Cath42

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:38 PM

[quote name='PussyDids' date='01/12/2012, 07:17 PM' post=%2

QUOTE (PussyDids @ 01/12/2012, 07:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DF said his ex wife changed after they had children, not for the better... that's why he doesn't want more children... he's afraid it would have the same effect on me.

I am sure he changed too... children do change your life. I'm not even their mother and DSDs have changed my life. But DF managed to be a Dad and still retain some of him (e.g. he loves playing computer games and he used to still play when DSDs were babies, he's just have them laid in one arm while he played, as they got older he played after they went to bed.)


What?

I suspect he retained his ability to play computer games for hours because he didn't change, thus forcing his wife to become the responsible person. And then he didn't like who she became, and he couldn't see that he'd played a role in that. I know so many fathers who say that children "changed every aspect of their lives" when the reality is that their lives really are exactly the same as they were BC (Before Children).

If your partner is telling you that he doesn't want more children because he doesn't want you to become like his ex-wife (who he once loved), the only thing you have to decide is whether or not you want to have children of your own. Believe me, if you have children of your own you'll become like his ex-wife because he'll give you no choice.



#17 Frazzled Cat

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:41 PM

I don't expect DH to give up his World of Warcraft habit PC (post-cihldren).

I also dont plan on giving up my OWN WoW habit.  Or choir.  Or performing in eisteddfods.  

I do expect us both to *modify* those habits.  But if Dh wants to game with baby in a sling, or in a bouncer, then by all means.  As long as he remembers to change the nappy and feed the kid, why should he have to give up a long-established hobby?

#18 bakesgirls

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:43 PM

I don't think my DH changed as such. I think we both changed to some degree. Our relationship gets better the more kids we have. He became a much better husband to me once we had our first. He seems to get better at being a father too as the years pass and as we add to our family. He's much more resposnsible and no longer self absorbed like he used to be.

#19 kpingitquiet

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:47 PM

It really depends. My husband went from frequent gamer and general layabout happy to work a "meh" job forever to only gaming in the wee hours of Sunday mornings before everyone else is up and after the dogs have been fed, building shelves for kiddo's room, building me a raised bed veggie patch, now planning a degree in civil engineering, etc etc. He's currently in the playroom coloring with kiddo before he bathes her and puts her to bed, like every night.

Our friend had a WoW-playing, do-next-to-nothing, cooks-occasionally husband employed in a crap job before their baby came. She has the same thing now, plus the baby (now toddler).

Strangely, she's happier with her marriage than I am with mine. Perhaps I need a re-think on that lol

#20 meggs1

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:02 PM

QUOTE (NapCat @ 01/12/2012, 07:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't expect DH to give up his World of Warcraft habit PC (post-cihldren).

I also dont plan on giving up my OWN WoW habit.  Or choir.  Or performing in eisteddfods.  

I do expect us both to *modify* those habits.  But if Dh wants to game with baby in a sling, or in a bouncer, then by all means.  As long as he remembers to change the nappy and feed the kid, why should he have to give up a long-established hobby?


This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.

#21 Frazzled Cat

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:07 PM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 01/12/2012, 07:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.



well, we're only having 1, unless I get very unlucky with twins!

I game with families who have 5 kids and a bigger WoW habit than I do.  things can get held up by the kids, but since our raiding doesn't start until 7/730, one can hope by the time bubs turns into destructobot, they'll be in bed ninja.gif

#22 Kat255

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:10 PM

DH has changed since he became a Dad, as have I since I became a Mum. Though it didn't happen overnight. I think it is the general process of maturing that has changed us rather than any one single event.

DH still plays lots of computer games (28+ hrs / week). However, whereas before he'd play MMORPG (games where he is playing with lots of people counting on him and where a seconds lost concentration could mean failure) he now plays single player games which can be played with one hand, and have plenty of save points. Even though he spends a lot of time playing, he is available within seconds to help out with a cuddle, feed, nappy or anything else really.
As I type this, he has DD (1 yr old) draped over his shoulder. She is happiest in her Daddy's arms and is currently fast asleep.

If your DH doesn't see an issue with the way things are now (ie, finds it fine to argue and bicker) then he may not see a reason to change.

#23 kay11

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:12 PM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 01/12/2012, 08:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.


Yep. Your kids will be playing with you - or trying to...

Like how they try to type on the computer when I'm on it, stack the dishwasher when I'm doing it and it's a race to see whether my husband and I can get the ornaments on the Christams tree faster than the 18 month old can pull them off.

You might have time when they're asleep. As long as they actually sleep and you're not too wrecked and you're happy enough with the state of the house etc and have made any calls that you can't make during the day because junior is screaming in your ear to grab the phone.

I'm hoping I'll have hobbies again in another year or 2s times - when the youngest is around 4 or so?

#24 Great Dame

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:16 PM

If the relationship is not good to begin with, it's highly unlikely to getting better with a child.  Sorry OP but I think it's unlikely he's suddenly going to get involved and helpful after the baby.  He sounds like he's got an addiction problem with the PC games.

#25 Frazzled Cat

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:18 PM

QUOTE (kay11 @ 01/12/2012, 07:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yep. Your kids will be playing with you - or trying to...

Like how they try to type on the computer when I'm on it, stack the dishwasher when I'm doing it and it's a race to see whether my husband and I can get the ornaments on the Christams tree faster than the 18 month old can pull them off.

You might have time when they're asleep. As long as they actually sleep and you're not too wrecked and you're happy enough with the state of the house etc and have made any calls that you can't make during the day because junior is screaming in your ear to grab the phone.

I'm hoping I'll have hobbies again in another year or 2s times - when the youngest is around 4 or so?


I was a terrible sleeper, so I'm really hoping kiddo takes after DH.  DH and I are both very relaxed housekeepers, so I can't see that being a major issue during the week.  

I know our lives are going to change after kids.  But I have no intention of putting my needs completely to one side.  And I need time and space to indulge my soul!




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