Jump to content

do husbands change once baby comes?
afraid we wont be able to offer our son a loving environment


  • Please log in to reply
62 replies to this topic

#1 Wildence

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:17 PM

might be in a wrong forum,

but just wondering.

do partners change??

my partner is super stubborn and loves playing his PC games, if i ask him to do something for me while he is playing, ill get nasty replies and eye rolling.
he is just not reasonable when he is playing his xbox (this is how he spends ALL his free time)

i feel super bad and guilty for bringing a child into this world when there is so much unnecessary bickering and shouting.

he ends up helping me, but the process to get there, is just so painful. once he starts being rude to me, i cant help myself but I start crying and start feeling extremely guilty for the little one..

every time i want to be a biatch, i always try stop myself, putting the baby first. if i am stressed, i believe they can feel it, and i love him too much already to make him feel that bad.

but yet my partner finds it fine, to bicker, and argue with me, knowing that unnecessary stress is not good for a little one. or does he just forget that i am carrying his son?

please no flaming.
and we do love each other, and we don't argue often, but when we do. it makes me feel guilty for bringing a child into this world.


#2 jayskette

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:33 PM

A child adds a new dynamic to a relationship. It does not change the person.

#3 sandoz

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:35 PM

Mine also went from sharing all the housework to playing games all the time and not helping, or sighing and complaining about it so much it was faster to just do it all myself...we're divorced

#4 Suz01

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:38 PM

Agree jayskette, my partner loves our kids, yet still works 6-7 days a week
Its just life for us.

Mothers in my opinion realise quicker the impact a baby has and sucks it up. Men, are so much slower (in our relationship at least.)

#5 it'stime

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:42 PM

Mine stayed the same.

He always was good with housework, cleaning and general tidying anyway.

I have noticed that he is more understanding and open towards others. Probably due to the love one has for their own child.

I don't think having a child completely changes anyone. My DH still has some annoying habits that have always been there (as do I, I am sure!)

Good luck OP.

#6 bonnybabe

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:43 PM

I think you'll need to have a chat about the split of responsibilities, what is expected of each partner when the baby comes, before the baby comes.  If he doesn't put limits on when he plays games, you'll just get the same eye rolling crap about changing nappies, or giving you a break so you can have a rest.  Good luck.

#7 Unatheowl

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:46 PM

I don't think it changed either of us.  Having a newborn especially is extremely stressful and any problems that were there are amplified by the lack of sleep etc that is associated with that phase.  It certainly was a tough time for us.  It has settled somewhat now, but in my experience it was a negative for our relationship, something we got through

#8 poss71

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

You've got me thinking of the old saying, "A man marries a woman hoping she never changes. A woman marries a man looking to change him".

Set your expectations now, while you're not too tired/worn out/heavily pregnant/sleepless from newborn to put your POV forward. You can't change him but you can have a say in your relationship.

#9 BetteBoop

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

QUOTE (jayskette @ 01/12/2012, 04:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A child adds a new dynamic to a relationship. It does not change the person.


I changed a lot when I had DD. I would say I'm almost unrecognisable to who I was beforehand.

Maybe your basic personality doesn't change, but your behaviour can and does change with big life events.

And sometimes that's enough.

#10 Ice Queen

Posted 01 December 2012 - 04:47 PM

They stay the same.

#11 Natttmumm

Posted 01 December 2012 - 05:44 PM

I think things usually get worse once a bub arrives as behavior doesn't change much but you add tiredness and exhaustion to it.
We found the first yr tough onour relationship for each child. The only  thing that changed was we were more tired and cranky with each other. We got on really well previously.
We are expecting number 3 and DH is super cranky and picky. I try to remind him to be more positive so far it hasn't helped. It worries me


#12 FeralLIfeHacker

Posted 01 December 2012 - 05:51 PM

They say a Women becomes a Mother from conception a man doesn't become a father til the baby is born.  (or something like that).

So he could change, my dh I know is the sort of guy that leaves everything to til the last minute, doesn't feel the need to stress, prepare, help etc unless it's the critical minute.  I remember harping onto him all through my  pregnancies about the things that needed doing (ie setting up cot, putting in carseat etc) he'd delay and not want to do it as he was 'busy' watching tv but when the babies were born he always came around and did what was needed and is a real help.

#13 kadoodle

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:07 PM

My DH matured a lot after we had DD1.

#14 FeralRebelWClaws

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:17 PM

DF said his ex wife changed after they had children, not for the better... that's why he doesn't want more children... he's afraid it would have the same effect on me.

I am sure he changed too... children do change your life. I'm not even their mother and DSDs have changed my life. But DF managed to be a Dad and still retain some of him (e.g. he loves playing computer games and he used to still play when DSDs were babies, he's just have them laid in one arm while he played, as they got older he played after they went to bed.)

Edited by PussyDids, 01 December 2012 - 06:18 PM.


#15 Cath42

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:38 PM

[quote name='PussyDids' date='01/12/2012, 07:17 PM' post=%2

QUOTE (PussyDids @ 01/12/2012, 07:17 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
DF said his ex wife changed after they had children, not for the better... that's why he doesn't want more children... he's afraid it would have the same effect on me.

I am sure he changed too... children do change your life. I'm not even their mother and DSDs have changed my life. But DF managed to be a Dad and still retain some of him (e.g. he loves playing computer games and he used to still play when DSDs were babies, he's just have them laid in one arm while he played, as they got older he played after they went to bed.)


What?

I suspect he retained his ability to play computer games for hours because he didn't change, thus forcing his wife to become the responsible person. And then he didn't like who she became, and he couldn't see that he'd played a role in that. I know so many fathers who say that children "changed every aspect of their lives" when the reality is that their lives really are exactly the same as they were BC (Before Children).

If your partner is telling you that he doesn't want more children because he doesn't want you to become like his ex-wife (who he once loved), the only thing you have to decide is whether or not you want to have children of your own. Believe me, if you have children of your own you'll become like his ex-wife because he'll give you no choice.



#16 Pull Up A Beanbag

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:41 PM

I don't expect DH to give up his World of Warcraft habit PC (post-cihldren).

I also dont plan on giving up my OWN WoW habit.  Or choir.  Or performing in eisteddfods.  

I do expect us both to *modify* those habits.  But if Dh wants to game with baby in a sling, or in a bouncer, then by all means.  As long as he remembers to change the nappy and feed the kid, why should he have to give up a long-established hobby?

#17 bakesgirls

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:43 PM

I don't think my DH changed as such. I think we both changed to some degree. Our relationship gets better the more kids we have. He became a much better husband to me once we had our first. He seems to get better at being a father too as the years pass and as we add to our family. He's much more resposnsible and no longer self absorbed like he used to be.

#18 kpingitquiet

Posted 01 December 2012 - 06:47 PM

It really depends. My husband went from frequent gamer and general layabout happy to work a "meh" job forever to only gaming in the wee hours of Sunday mornings before everyone else is up and after the dogs have been fed, building shelves for kiddo's room, building me a raised bed veggie patch, now planning a degree in civil engineering, etc etc. He's currently in the playroom coloring with kiddo before he bathes her and puts her to bed, like every night.

Our friend had a WoW-playing, do-next-to-nothing, cooks-occasionally husband employed in a crap job before their baby came. She has the same thing now, plus the baby (now toddler).

Strangely, she's happier with her marriage than I am with mine. Perhaps I need a re-think on that lol

#19 Feral-as-Meggs

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:02 PM

QUOTE (NapCat @ 01/12/2012, 07:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't expect DH to give up his World of Warcraft habit PC (post-cihldren).

I also dont plan on giving up my OWN WoW habit.  Or choir.  Or performing in eisteddfods.  

I do expect us both to *modify* those habits.  But if Dh wants to game with baby in a sling, or in a bouncer, then by all means.  As long as he remembers to change the nappy and feed the kid, why should he have to give up a long-established hobby?


This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.

#20 Pull Up A Beanbag

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:07 PM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 01/12/2012, 07:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.



well, we're only having 1, unless I get very unlucky with twins!

I game with families who have 5 kids and a bigger WoW habit than I do.  things can get held up by the kids, but since our raiding doesn't start until 7/730, one can hope by the time bubs turns into destructobot, they'll be in bed ninja.gif

#21 Kat255

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:10 PM

DH has changed since he became a Dad, as have I since I became a Mum. Though it didn't happen overnight. I think it is the general process of maturing that has changed us rather than any one single event.

DH still plays lots of computer games (28+ hrs / week). However, whereas before he'd play MMORPG (games where he is playing with lots of people counting on him and where a seconds lost concentration could mean failure) he now plays single player games which can be played with one hand, and have plenty of save points. Even though he spends a lot of time playing, he is available within seconds to help out with a cuddle, feed, nappy or anything else really.
As I type this, he has DD (1 yr old) draped over his shoulder. She is happiest in her Daddy's arms and is currently fast asleep.

If your DH doesn't see an issue with the way things are now (ie, finds it fine to argue and bicker) then he may not see a reason to change.

#22 kay11

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:12 PM

QUOTE (meggs1 @ 01/12/2012, 08:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This may work up to about 6 months.   After that you have to play with them or the house gets destroyed. Or the big one kills the little one.


Yep. Your kids will be playing with you - or trying to...

Like how they try to type on the computer when I'm on it, stack the dishwasher when I'm doing it and it's a race to see whether my husband and I can get the ornaments on the Christams tree faster than the 18 month old can pull them off.

You might have time when they're asleep. As long as they actually sleep and you're not too wrecked and you're happy enough with the state of the house etc and have made any calls that you can't make during the day because junior is screaming in your ear to grab the phone.

I'm hoping I'll have hobbies again in another year or 2s times - when the youngest is around 4 or so?

#23 Pull Up A Beanbag

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:18 PM

QUOTE (kay11 @ 01/12/2012, 07:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yep. Your kids will be playing with you - or trying to...

Like how they try to type on the computer when I'm on it, stack the dishwasher when I'm doing it and it's a race to see whether my husband and I can get the ornaments on the Christams tree faster than the 18 month old can pull them off.

You might have time when they're asleep. As long as they actually sleep and you're not too wrecked and you're happy enough with the state of the house etc and have made any calls that you can't make during the day because junior is screaming in your ear to grab the phone.

I'm hoping I'll have hobbies again in another year or 2s times - when the youngest is around 4 or so?


I was a terrible sleeper, so I'm really hoping kiddo takes after DH.  DH and I are both very relaxed housekeepers, so I can't see that being a major issue during the week.  

I know our lives are going to change after kids.  But I have no intention of putting my needs completely to one side.  And I need time and space to indulge my soul!

#24 Kat255

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:20 PM

QUOTE (NapCat @ 01/12/2012, 07:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I game with families who have 5 kids and a bigger WoW habit than I do.  things can get held up by the kids, but since our raiding doesn't start until 7/730, one can hope by the time bubs turns into destructobot, they'll be in bed ninja.gif

I thought I'd end up very similar. Being able to keep up playing WoW even with kids. I found though, that my priorities shifted, and I slowly found it harder to make time for it.

Now, if I get a spare few mins, the last thing I want to do is log on. I fully plan to get back into gaming once they are old enough to play too.

However, like you, I know other couples with young kids who play regularly and are still enjoying it. It can happen, and it does happen.

#25 Cath42

Posted 01 December 2012 - 07:23 PM

Okay, I'm showing my age here and going off on a tangent. But are there really men out there who play computer games for 28+ hours per week? 28 hours or more per week? Presuming these men actually have jobs and work 40 hours per week, that's 68+ hours per week they're unavailable to their partners and children.

I think of computer games as something my 11-year-old son would spend 28 hours per week playing if he was allowed to (which he isn't, and never will be), not something that grown men spend hours engrossed in. Doesn't anyone else find it bizarre that grown men spend hours playing "Doom" or something similar?

There must be something wrong with me.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

 

Childcare Survey

Win a $100 Coles/Myers gift voucher by completing the 5 minute childcare survey.

Kelly Clarkson shares first photos of son

Kelly Clarkson has shown off the first photos of her son, Remington Alexander Blackstock.

5 childbirth myths that need to be busted

Birth is an unpredictable, mysterious process that intrigues us all, and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

Mum of three fatally shot by toddler while driving

A US mother has been shot by her toddler while driving on a highway in Wisconsin.

All you need is one minute to work out

The seven-minute-work out is old news. Research shows the effectiveness of going hell-for-leather for just one minute.

Pregnant women needed to join diabetes study

Pregnant woman in country Australia will help Adelaide researchers figure out why cases of type 1 diabetes have doubled over the past two decades.

Just announced: the Mountain Buggy Unirider

It's the perfect solution to combat those toddler meltdowns when they no longer want to be in a pram but can't walk long distances.

Authorities euthanise dog that fatally bit a newborn baby

A pit bull mix that fatally bit a 3-day-old infant last week has been euthanised, authorities said.

The push for Medicare to fund lactation consultants

While meeting with a lactation consultant can make an enormous difference to a new mother, it's not a service that is available through the public health system.

Why it's perfectly natural to dislike other people's children

Members of a popular forum are fiercely debating whether it is acceptable to dislike a friend's child.

Woman gives birth on plane, names baby after airline

A pregnant woman who unexpectedly gave birth on a flight has named her new baby after the airline, Jetstar.

Heartwarming photos show the joy of adoption after foster care

Children living in foster care can feel like their future is less than clear. But that uncertainty disappears the day they are adopted by their "forever family" 

'Oh my god, it's a baby!' Mum shocked to give birth

When the cramps started to kick in, Klara Dollan just assumed a painful period was starting.

Mum's Facebook plea: 'Help me find my daughter's father'

Kerryn has a unusual present planned for daughter Imi's 13th birthday celebrations - she hopes to be able to be able to give the soon-to-be the teenager her first ever photo of her dad.

Is it possible for your house to be too clean?

Our houses are cleaner than ever before. But how clean is too clean? Could a sterile home be putting your family's health at risk?

Millions of Monkeys: puzzles that grow with your toddler

Here's a puzzle that grows with them; the Puzzle Grow Pack by Millions of Monkeys.

Baby names from Britpop

If you grew up in the 90s you might want to look to the genre of Britpop music for baby name inspiration.

What to eat and drink when you have gastro

When you catch a bug that causes acute infectious gastroenteritis (gastro), your stomach and intestinal tract become inflamed, causing diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramping and pain. The last thing you probably feel like doing is eating.

'To this day, I owe her my life'

Would I have survived if I hadn't crossed that street?

Why baby Sonny needs you to vaccinate your children

Caitlin is a firm believer in the importance of immunisation to protect children from harmful and deadly diseases.

Five-year-old's photo captures beauty of motherhood

There is no make-up or special outfits and hairdos, but the five-year-old boy who took this picture captured the essence of motherhood as well as any professional photographer.

Babies know whether you are naughty or nice

Studies have shown that infants in the first months of life try to avoid dealing with social wrongdoers - for example, sharing less with them and helping them less - and they expect others to, too.

 
Advertisement
 

Top 5 Articles

Advertisement
 
 
 

What's hot on EB

Childcare Survey

Win a $100 Coles/Myers gift voucher by completing the 5 minute childcare survey.

The babies who are one in 70 million

Bethani Webb was excited to find out she was pregnant, but the first time mum did not realise she was carrying four babies not one.

Cafe offers breastfeeding mums a free cup of tea

A Sydney cafe is offering breastfeeding mums free cups of tea in a bid to show support for the right of women to nurse their babies wherever they choose.

To snip or not to snip? When the decision is not clear cut

Jamie Oliver, who considered a vasectomy, is to be a father again. A fellow dad reflects on his own decision 11 years ago

Doctors stunned by rare twins born almost six weeks apart

To everyone's surprise, Kristen Miller "kept doing better each day", keeping her second baby safe.

Baby book ideas for modern parents

Before my son was born I was given a lovely baby book full of blank pages waiting to be filled with weights and heights and first words.

The adorable smile of a baby seeing his mum clearly for the first time

There is no doubt seeing their child smile for the first time is an unforgettable moment for parents everywhere.

Mum tells how toddler 'nearly hung himself' in cot mishap

When Alison Johnson put her 18-month-old Caleb down for a nap, she had no reason to believe her son was in any danger.

Babies are still switched at birth? Yes, it can happen

All my panic and tears aside, my biggest question looking back is about the kind of security measures used in the maternity ward.

Doctors slammed for taking selfie with newborn

Everyone who visits a mum in hospital in the days following childbirth wants to get a photo with the new baby.

ergoPouch Twosie Sleepsuit for winter breastfeeding

Finally, there's a way to keep warm while breastfeeding through winter.

Health check: How long does sex 'normally' last?

What to do with this information? My advice would be to try not to think about it during the throes of passion.

When breastfeeding sucks: fixing common problems

From niplash to tight boobs, biting to milk supply issues, Pinky McKay looks at common breastfeeding issues and how to solve them.

10 things I've learnt in my first six months with twins

Six months on we're all still alive, and the more we get to know each other the easier the days become.

Mum's loving kiss leaves baby fighting for life

Kirsty Carrington thought nothing of giving her newborn son a kiss, little did she know it would leave the baby fighting for life.

When doing chores is your new 'me time'

After children, 'me time' looks a little different.

Get going: 14 travel strollers for families on the move

A stroller can make or break travelling with a baby or toddler. Here are 15 great single travel stroller options.

10 ways toddlers are terrific

It always pays to remind yourself of how terrific toddlers can be - they're little like this for such a short time

 

ENTER NOW

Do your kids love bananas?

This is the comp for you! We have $800 worth of Myer gift cards and boxes of Australian Bananas to be won. Entry is simple: just post a pic of your little one enjoying a banana in the comments of the FB post to enter.

 
Advertisement
 
 
Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.